"You Live, You Learn; You Love, You Learn; You Cry, You Learn; You Bleed, You Learn; You Scream, You Learn"

"You Live, You Learn" sung by Alanis Morrisette

i am so upset that all that happened on tuesday night, i wish that i hadnt even had that whole conversation. what was the point to it? i found what in my heart i knew and what was confirmed for me when he came back down here, and before that when we had the major drunk conversation, he still loves me and misses me horribly. i know that, everyone who heres the way that he acts and what he does, knows that. but the things that are stopping him from being with me, whatever they are, are killing me. i cant keep hearing this, when i know that even when i say i will go to wherever you are, being that you are saying that where you are now is so great, and he still says no or doesnt answer me. i cant handle this anymore. if he is going to keep calling me when he is drunk, and telling me the truth, because that is what he does when he is drunk, then i dont know what i should do. i just know that i cant keep dealing with this. i wouldnt mind if he was telling me all this, and making a point with it, but he is not accomplishing anything by doing this. i am here, he is there, and there are no changes to that in sight. because he doesnt want there to be any. so i guess that i am just the girl that he calls when he is drunk, flirts with, tells the truth too, and then once he is sober, the conversation never happened.

then i have all this going on with my job, i am very unhappy with my job and just started (last week) trying to look for another job. and now my job is telling me that if i miss anytime this month, that i am then going to be put on final warning, and then that would of course be it if i mess up after that. which stinks because i am one of their top employees which they never hestiate to tell me, but they have definetly not been showing it lately which is why i want to leave. and this is definetly reinforcing that for me. but the problem is that in order for me to go on an interview to try to get a job, i have to miss time from work, because they always only want to interview the same hours that i am working. so now i have an issue, because if i am going on interviews and missing work, then i am risking losing the job that i have that i dont like right now. i dont know. no wonder i have migraines thinking about all this garbage.