Get A Job, Please Get A Job

i really dont know how much more of this that i am going to be able to take, i am seriously ready to lose it. i can feel it, i felt it a lot at work today, because i always feel veery insecure there because i really have so much more to learn, and i guess that i am insecure about how much that i dont know. and of course the fact that i have to ask for help on how to do things every five seconds doesnt help. so there is of course that, and the fact that next tuesday if he doesnt have a job by then, which i pray that he does, will make a week that he is unemployed. i dont know how more of this that i can handle. i am so used to having my 4-5 nights a week after i put the kids to bed at 8pm to myself, now i have my husband up my butt asking me what i am doing or whats going on every five minutes. on thursday i didnt come right home from work because i had to pay the rent, stop at the bank, and return something to the mall, so he called me like every 1/2 hour to one hour asking me where i was and when i would be home. and not like he wanted to make dinner for me, because he didnt. i guess just to check up on me. i dont mind him being home that much, i am just really stressed out over him not having another job yet. this is making me very upset. the other night that i was curled in a ball, and out of control, it took a lot to pull myself out of it. who knows if the next time that it happens, i will be able to pull myself out of it. i reached the point that night where i just didnt see the purpose to me being here anymore, i just lost that will. and it took a lot not to do something about it.

here is something that i think is very interesting, not counting the brief time that i spoke with him and he was drunk, or us playing phone tag, or the hang up on st. pats days, which is typical, the last halfway conversation that i had was on feb 28 when he was stinking drunk and got me so upset. that has been about it, that was a month ago. i have been trying to do a lot better with not thinking of him, or what was, but what i really miss is the security that i had before. i knew that no matter what happened, his share of the bills would always be paid on time every month. that was something that never had to be worried about. i was doing a little bit better, i saw the improvement, but then when i was driving to work this morning i discovered where the job that he had told me about having before he met me was. and it really got me upset. i just really cant believe that it is taking me so long to get over all of these things. just when i start to get better, something sets me back again. thats my life and the way that it seems to me at times i suppose though.