the update on HIM

(in case you hadnt guessed he still hasnt called me)

This thing with HIM not calling me has been driving me nuts. I just cant believe that he is just not calling me back, especially after the things that he was telling me. It is getting me really upset and angry at him. It is also, and I really hate even writing this because of how stupid that I sound, getting me worried about him. But yes it is is true that he is not the type of person at this time that I want to be in a relationship with, because all of the things (the major thing being
drinking) that I had called our separation/hiatus whatever it was for, he is still doing he has not changed. But in any case, no matter how I think of him at this time, or how I want him in my life, the fact still remains that I am worried about him because I havent spoken with him. and I dont know If he is okay. But the stupid thing is that I actually care. After all the stuff that he has put me through and is still putting me through by making me get over him and everything else, I still care for him. how much or in what way I havent established because I am angry at him too, very angry. I was/am considering sending him an email message just saying are you alive? Because that seems to be something that I am concerned about. After all he has done to be it is probably something that I shouldnt care about, but I do. I dont know why. I keep thinking that he was stupid like he used to be, and drove drunk and got killed or something like that. Because lord knows with him and his drinking. But then something is stopping me from doing that, that
thing in the back of my head saying that I should just leave him and this the way that it is, and not bother messing with anything of this. I should keep getting over this and him, talking to him again would just set me back. And being that he isnt calling me, why start him calling me again. If he calls me fine, but I shouldnt call him. so I guess that I have my brain telling me one thing, and my heart saying another. But one thing for getting over it, is that today is st patricks day and I am reminded of the way that he celebrated it last year with me. He bought beer (I dont remember how much was consumed, I am sure that it was a lot) and he added green food coloring to it, and he drank it. Which was how he spent every night (and day when he wasnt working). I am also reminded of how he would open a beer on the weekends as early as 9am, or earlier. I am also am reminded of the many times when he drank to much (but always claimed that it was because he had ate something that upset him) and was throwing up. I am also reminded of the times when I asked him not to drink that much when his friends were over, but he did, got plastered and passed out in bed and left me to deal with everyone and the mess afterward. Knowing that I didnt really like his friends either. So that was pretty crappy but usual with him because he seemed to have no control over what he did when he was drinking.And from the comment that he made to me somewhat recently about how I was a sound sleeper and how he used to drink more when I was sleeping, I am guessing that even when he told me that he was slowing down, he was really not, he was just sneaking it when I was sleeping.