"I Won't Pay, I won't Pay, Ya No Way, Why Don't You Get A Job?"

sung by Offspring

more of the same stuff going on, especially with the husband. speak about your mood swings, and your issues with what is going on. he comes home i think that it was on friday night, and says that his boss was praising him and saying that he was doing really good. and then he says that the boss was then saying that if he kept up like that that he would have no problems. then last night he comes home from work and says that he did horribly, and he blames it on the fact that there was someone else that was messing him up. and he cant understand why i am telling him that i am not going to pay the rent for him next month. he just cant comprehend why i am not using the tax return that i worked so hard for a year for, when all he has to do is make sure that he pays the one bill that i ask him to pay, which is the rent. our rent is only 950 dollars a month, that is all is ask of him. all the rest of the bills, and even most of the groceries and things that we need for the house i buy, because he almost never gives me money for it like he says that he will. now mind you my share of the bills per month is approx 1418 dollars per month, and i make less at this time per hour then he does. isnt that interesting? but what he always says to that is that i got my car which i pay for the car and with the insurance 465 per month when i wasnt with him, while we were seperated. so it was a decision that i made without him, but also lets keep in mind that without my car i wouldnt be able to go to work because its not like he has a car that i could use or borrow. so not counting the car bills, that would make us about even.

so anyway, getting off that subject for right now, all he was talking about this morning was how he was going to go into work tonight and that his boss was going to fire him and send him back home. so i will probably now if that happened in about an hour, because that is probably about how long it will take him to get back home if that happens. so then i said okay if for some reason you get fired from this job, it would be like the fifth job that you are fired from, then just quickly get another one. the issue is that he keeps saying that he doesnt want to stay in this same career, which it would be easy for him to get a job in. i keep telling him that he should just take what he can get if he is unemployed, and then while he has that job, then start looking for something different. but i dont think that he is lisitening to that. so it seems like my time is limited again in this house. and i will have to start trying to figure out where my homeless self and kids will be living again. i have already told him that if we get evicted again, i am filing for divorce. i will never be with him again. i can only give him so many chances.

and as if i dont need any more stress, i am starting my new job tomorrow, god i hope that it goes okay. i dont know what i will do if something happens or if they fire me or i dont keep the job. or i dont do good at the job. i will probably flip out, i really dont know how much more stress that i can handle. i have been thinking about HIM more and more this weekend than usual, i guess just missing the way that it was. i had other things to worry about with him, but i never had to worry about getting evicted. he always made sure that his share of the rent was paid, and he made sure that other things that had to be taken care of were, and i loved that about him. but i know that regretting things that have happened in the past arent going to change anything today. what is done is done. and he has made it clear (when he was sober, which is the only time that you can really believe him) that he wont ever get back with me again. so that is it, i cant keep wishing for something to come back that is gone forever. and it is because of the way that he has set his mind and/or the decisions that he has made that have made that gone forever. it is not because of me anymore, i tried to tell him how i felt but it didnt change things the way that i thought that it would. it just changed other things that didnt help.