sung by Nirvana
i was trying to write everything down yesterday but i didnt have the chance to, my annoying husband came home early yesterday from work. he said that it was slow and that they had sent him home. now mind you he was also about 2 hours late to work because it was raining and he doesnt have a car, so he didnt want to ride his bicycle in the rain. so he was that late to work. and considering that apparently he is under consideration by his boss right now, i am sure that wasnt good or in his favor. also when he got home he said that he could just tell that he didnt do good for the short time that he was there.
so anyway today was a half good day, half majorly depressing day. yesterday was my last day at my old job. and monday i start my new job, so i took today for myself to do some shopping for clothes for my new job. not that i think that i had to get new clothes, but i decided that i should and wanted to. so i did. but then at about 3pm, the day started to go down. and i got upset. my husband calls me and starts with me on how his cell phone wasnt going to be able to be paid, and how it would be shut off tomorrow, and he doesnt have the money to pay it. and then he is saying how he should have near enough money for the rent this month, then he adds to that sentence i think and hope, and that in almost the next breath he says you know the way that things are going, i am pretty sure that i am going to lose this job, and get fired, and i am going to have a hard time finding another one. and i am not going to take just any job, because i dont want to be working, and then still not have enough money for everything, i would rather just sit at home and do nothing. and then he says, so what we are probably going to have to do is take the money from your tax return next month (mind you we are already talking about a month from now, how does he know all this already) and pay the rent with it. and i will give it back to you when i get it. (which means i would never see it, just like all the other times he has said that and i have actually given him the money. he is the type of person where if you lend them something or money, count it gone) so basically what he is telling me to do is to take half of my tax return and pay the rent for a month, in addition to paying my share of the bills. (which is more than his by the way). so i basically told him that there was no way that was going to happen, to which he replied well then i guess that you would rather just get us evicted then, which is what you will be doing. and then he basically hangs up on me. and then to make my night even better, the food that i took it from the freezer to cook for dinner he threw in the garbage, because he thought that it was not good. so there went dinner. i had to cook something really quick for the kids and i basically ate nothing. i am still hungry right now, i just really dont feel like getting up. i dont feel like doing anything lately. i know that i have been gaining some weight slowly because i havent been taking care of myself. i just dont care about anything anymore. i am constantly living in limbo wondering if this will be the month that i wont have a roof over my or my childrens heads. i have gone full circle, this is where is was approx 3 years ago, when i then got evicted twice, but then my life got better again. i am now back where i was, nothing has changed. i am not even smarter, otherwise i would have prevented myself from being in this position. but in this case, i had no choice. the hurricane took my home, and left me scrambling for a place to live. it is just so depressing, everything that i worked so hard for, for about 2 years, is gone. and now it seems like everything that happened before is starting over again. i just cant bail him out if he cant pay the rent, this is something that was done before by his sister one month, his mother one month, me one month, and then when everyones money ran out he was still not able to pay the rent, and we got evicted. it would be stupid for me do something like that, because he doesnt seem to have changed. every conversation that i have with him, has been said years ago. he is 30 years old, for gods sake, why cant he get it together. i have had it together for about 2 years, and i am 5 years younger than him. i already told him something that i mean, and this is true, if you screw this up again, i will never be with you again, and we will be over. this is the umpteenth millionth chance i am giving you, and then after this, i am done. we are done.
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