Entry From Friday Morning (Computer Was Still Not Working)

This is the note that I should really send to him but I am not going to because I am really upset and aggravated with everything and I am sure that whatever I would put in this letter at this time would be in anger, and even though he probably deserves the anger that I am directing towards him, I really don't want to be like that. I just wonder if he realizes how much he hurts me by calling me up (drunk or not drunk) and then saying those things to me. Somewhere in the back of his drunk mind, doesn't he realize that him saying those sorts of things are upsetting to me?So this would be my letter. I wonder if you care how you make me feel when one night you are completely wasted and are telling me that you still love me and that you miss me and all of those things. And that gets me to thinking a little bit, but then a couple of nights later when I talk to you about it you say that you were saying those things to me to try to get me to find someone new. Please tell me how this makes sense to you? Don't you realize that this is hurting me? When you are sober I am sure that you have to realize how not good what you are doing to me is. But I think that the problem is that you are hardly ever sober lately, so you don’t really think about what you are doing. Then you don't even seem to remember anything that happens when you are drunk, it seems that you constantly have blackouts (that is what I was told it would be called). So when you tell me something like how you feel (which is lies because you are drunk, and apparently it is something different when you are sober), or when you tell me that you are going to call me at a certain time or day you don't do it because apparently you don't even remember that you told me that. I am getting so sick and tired of having to deal with this, it is so upsetting to me. I am frustrated, aggravated, and very very hurt. This is something where you say all the things that I have been wanting to hear you say and it all seems like lies. And then when I said something to you about you saying all these things to me, you made a comment to me to stop mooning over you. So I said (which is truth) that I am not mooning over you, and I was almost completely over everything what had happened but that you had then set me back by telling me all these things.