Get A Job, Please Get A Job

i really dont know how much more of this that i am going to be able to take, i am seriously ready to lose it. i can feel it, i felt it a lot at work today, because i always feel veery insecure there because i really have so much more to learn, and i guess that i am insecure about how much that i dont know. and of course the fact that i have to ask for help on how to do things every five seconds doesnt help. so there is of course that, and the fact that next tuesday if he doesnt have a job by then, which i pray that he does, will make a week that he is unemployed. i dont know how more of this that i can handle. i am so used to having my 4-5 nights a week after i put the kids to bed at 8pm to myself, now i have my husband up my butt asking me what i am doing or whats going on every five minutes. on thursday i didnt come right home from work because i had to pay the rent, stop at the bank, and return something to the mall, so he called me like every 1/2 hour to one hour asking me where i was and when i would be home. and not like he wanted to make dinner for me, because he didnt. i guess just to check up on me. i dont mind him being home that much, i am just really stressed out over him not having another job yet. this is making me very upset. the other night that i was curled in a ball, and out of control, it took a lot to pull myself out of it. who knows if the next time that it happens, i will be able to pull myself out of it. i reached the point that night where i just didnt see the purpose to me being here anymore, i just lost that will. and it took a lot not to do something about it.

here is something that i think is very interesting, not counting the brief time that i spoke with him and he was drunk, or us playing phone tag, or the hang up on st. pats days, which is typical, the last halfway conversation that i had was on feb 28 when he was stinking drunk and got me so upset. that has been about it, that was a month ago. i have been trying to do a lot better with not thinking of him, or what was, but what i really miss is the security that i had before. i knew that no matter what happened, his share of the bills would always be paid on time every month. that was something that never had to be worried about. i was doing a little bit better, i saw the improvement, but then when i was driving to work this morning i discovered where the job that he had told me about having before he met me was. and it really got me upset. i just really cant believe that it is taking me so long to get over all of these things. just when i start to get better, something sets me back again. thats my life and the way that it seems to me at times i suppose though.

"Theres Nothing Left Here To Remind Me, Just The Memory Of Your Face....."

"you coming back to me is against the odds, but thats what i've got to face."
from "Take A Look At Me Now" sung by Phil Collins

okay here is a really quick update on how much stinkier my life has gotten since i last wrote. (which was definetly not that long ago). my husband was home waiting for me last night which he wasnt supposed to be home, he was supposed to be at work, and he said that his boss had fired him and that was it. he also said that the other job that he was supposed to have had fallen through, and they had said for some reason that they had someone else, and that they didnt need him right now. so he is now completely unemployed. so i am of course flipping out, because i am thinking that we are going to be getting evicted if he cant pay the rent. (which is, of course, a very good possibility of something that could happen.) no money=not able to pay rent. and unfortunately without him paying the rent, i cant help out but maybe a 100 or 200 dollars, which when the rent is almost 1000 doesnt do much good. so that is one thing. the other thing is that he was so upset and aggravated last night, that we got into a huge argument, which under normal circumstances wouldnt have been a big deal, but because of everything i guess that was going on with him. he lost his temper, and lost it. he didnt touch me or any other living things, but you can use your imagination. so i got upset with him and locked him out of the bedroom, and fell asleep sobbing and basically getting within like a hair of having a breakdown. i'm talking curled up in a ball, oblivious to everything. so anyway, i fell asleep like that, and eventually let him back into the bedroom. and now he is constantly apologizing and saying that he is sorry, but that i egged him on and got him like that. with him you can never get a complete i'm sorry, it is always an im sorry but ..... he always finds a way to blame someone else, so all the blame is never on himself. i dont care what the situation, that is always the way that it is. i am trying not to stress out to much about the him not having a job thing, because he did just lose it yesterday. so he can still bounce back as long as he gets a job relatively quickly now.

about my job, it is getting better. i am getting a lot more training, both in groups and by myself, and am starting to get some understanding about the programs that i am using. also, me and my ex are seeing what is going to go on regarding this timing watching thing with my daughter, and how most likely my schedule will be changing in 90 days, if i go permanent with the company.

oh, and tyn if you are reading this, i am sorry that i didnt call you last night, but as you can tell things are crazy or should i say that i am crazy, and i will call you as soon as i can.

"I'm Learning To Live Without You Now, But I Miss You Sometimes"

from "The Heart Of The Matter" sung by Don Henly

it seems like i dont really write about HIM anymore, i guess because there isnt really much to write about anymore. he hasnt called me, or attempted to call me since st patricks day, which was on the 17th of this month. so that has been over 2 weeks, almost 3 weeks ago. so that is maybe why i am not writing about him anymore, there isnt much to say. but i do know that i miss something, i am coming to realize that is probably not him but the security that i felt with him and the way that he treated. there are a lot of things that i dont miss about him, namely the facts that he was/is an alcholic and also how easily he left me and hooked up with someone 3 days later. so he really loved me a lot, like he said that he did. so anyway that is it about him, yes i miss him (i suppose) but i know i miss a lot of things involving that i lost. but they are gone forever so i suppose that is all the thought that i should give him. maybe another reason that i am not thinking about him that much is because i have sooooooo many other things going on with me. this is a semi recent picture of me:

so in case anyone was wondering what i look like, there you go. i look a little bit different now though. this was from about 3.5 months ago.

Interesting Prospects

well he didnt come home last night, and he didnt get fired. he said that the head person who was telling him all those things wasnt there last night, and that he was on the schedule to work this week, so maybe that means he is safe. with the way that everything has been going, nothing is safe it seems. he also said that he was just walking around near his job yesterday and someone else asked him if he knew anyone that was looking for work, and he said that he was. and that they offered him a job doing something completely different then what he is doing now, and the good thing about it is that he can do it, and the job that he currently has. they can go around each other. so that is good. he is supposed to be starting tomorrow. so hopefully that goes well, because he (and we) can definetly use the money, so we dont have to worry about how the darn rent is getting paid or how we are buying groceries. i really hope that this goes okay, and that this is the positive thing to happen that we need.

my first day at my new job went okay today, everyone was really nice and friendly which was good, and for now i have no problems. but i may have scheduling problems in about 90 days, if what comes of it does like i am hoping. and as usual it seems like everyone is only willing to help me to a point, and then after that who cares what happens. (i am speaking mainly about my family). and i know that they mostly, sort of, do a lot for me already but come on. this would just be something small that i would be asking. so i guess i will have to just deal with it as it comes. if it comes, and happens. also, the job seems like it is a lot to learn, and i have to wonder if i will be given an adequate amt of time to learn it all in. because right now, due to the type and issues with the training i have been receiving, i havent learned that much. but then again, it is true that today was my first day. hopefully tomorrow will be better.

"Dont It All Seem To Go, That You Dont Know What You've Got Til Its Gone."

from "Big Yellow Taxi" sung by Counting Crows

so my husband didnt come home yet from work, so i guess that means that he is still employed. which is good i guess, i just hope that he still doesnt do anything to screw it up now. because he was ranting about how he doesnt want to stay there because he is unhappy there, and he is going to tell them off. so i really hope that he doesnt do that. i have been trying to drill in his head that he needs to get another one, before he leaves the one that he has. so lets see what happens. i really hope that it works out, because i dont want to bail him out. i cant pay the rent for him, and leave myself without money. and then when he does it again, i will have nothing. and as i said to him, if he screws this up then i am filing for divorce and that is it. we are over.

"I Won't Pay, I won't Pay, Ya No Way, Why Don't You Get A Job?"

sung by Offspring

more of the same stuff going on, especially with the husband. speak about your mood swings, and your issues with what is going on. he comes home i think that it was on friday night, and says that his boss was praising him and saying that he was doing really good. and then he says that the boss was then saying that if he kept up like that that he would have no problems. then last night he comes home from work and says that he did horribly, and he blames it on the fact that there was someone else that was messing him up. and he cant understand why i am telling him that i am not going to pay the rent for him next month. he just cant comprehend why i am not using the tax return that i worked so hard for a year for, when all he has to do is make sure that he pays the one bill that i ask him to pay, which is the rent. our rent is only 950 dollars a month, that is all is ask of him. all the rest of the bills, and even most of the groceries and things that we need for the house i buy, because he almost never gives me money for it like he says that he will. now mind you my share of the bills per month is approx 1418 dollars per month, and i make less at this time per hour then he does. isnt that interesting? but what he always says to that is that i got my car which i pay for the car and with the insurance 465 per month when i wasnt with him, while we were seperated. so it was a decision that i made without him, but also lets keep in mind that without my car i wouldnt be able to go to work because its not like he has a car that i could use or borrow. so not counting the car bills, that would make us about even.

so anyway, getting off that subject for right now, all he was talking about this morning was how he was going to go into work tonight and that his boss was going to fire him and send him back home. so i will probably now if that happened in about an hour, because that is probably about how long it will take him to get back home if that happens. so then i said okay if for some reason you get fired from this job, it would be like the fifth job that you are fired from, then just quickly get another one. the issue is that he keeps saying that he doesnt want to stay in this same career, which it would be easy for him to get a job in. i keep telling him that he should just take what he can get if he is unemployed, and then while he has that job, then start looking for something different. but i dont think that he is lisitening to that. so it seems like my time is limited again in this house. and i will have to start trying to figure out where my homeless self and kids will be living again. i have already told him that if we get evicted again, i am filing for divorce. i will never be with him again. i can only give him so many chances.

and as if i dont need any more stress, i am starting my new job tomorrow, god i hope that it goes okay. i dont know what i will do if something happens or if they fire me or i dont keep the job. or i dont do good at the job. i will probably flip out, i really dont know how much more stress that i can handle. i have been thinking about HIM more and more this weekend than usual, i guess just missing the way that it was. i had other things to worry about with him, but i never had to worry about getting evicted. he always made sure that his share of the rent was paid, and he made sure that other things that had to be taken care of were, and i loved that about him. but i know that regretting things that have happened in the past arent going to change anything today. what is done is done. and he has made it clear (when he was sober, which is the only time that you can really believe him) that he wont ever get back with me again. so that is it, i cant keep wishing for something to come back that is gone forever. and it is because of the way that he has set his mind and/or the decisions that he has made that have made that gone forever. it is not because of me anymore, i tried to tell him how i felt but it didnt change things the way that i thought that it would. it just changed other things that didnt help.

"I Miss You, I'm Not Gonna Crack; I Love You, I'm Not Gonna Crack"....my latest rantings

sung by Nirvana

i was trying to write everything down yesterday but i didnt have the chance to, my annoying husband came home early yesterday from work. he said that it was slow and that they had sent him home. now mind you he was also about 2 hours late to work because it was raining and he doesnt have a car, so he didnt want to ride his bicycle in the rain. so he was that late to work. and considering that apparently he is under consideration by his boss right now, i am sure that wasnt good or in his favor. also when he got home he said that he could just tell that he didnt do good for the short time that he was there.

so anyway today was a half good day, half majorly depressing day. yesterday was my last day at my old job. and monday i start my new job, so i took today for myself to do some shopping for clothes for my new job. not that i think that i had to get new clothes, but i decided that i should and wanted to. so i did. but then at about 3pm, the day started to go down. and i got upset. my husband calls me and starts with me on how his cell phone wasnt going to be able to be paid, and how it would be shut off tomorrow, and he doesnt have the money to pay it. and then he is saying how he should have near enough money for the rent this month, then he adds to that sentence i think and hope, and that in almost the next breath he says you know the way that things are going, i am pretty sure that i am going to lose this job, and get fired, and i am going to have a hard time finding another one. and i am not going to take just any job, because i dont want to be working, and then still not have enough money for everything, i would rather just sit at home and do nothing. and then he says, so what we are probably going to have to do is take the money from your tax return next month (mind you we are already talking about a month from now, how does he know all this already) and pay the rent with it. and i will give it back to you when i get it. (which means i would never see it, just like all the other times he has said that and i have actually given him the money. he is the type of person where if you lend them something or money, count it gone) so basically what he is telling me to do is to take half of my tax return and pay the rent for a month, in addition to paying my share of the bills. (which is more than his by the way). so i basically told him that there was no way that was going to happen, to which he replied well then i guess that you would rather just get us evicted then, which is what you will be doing. and then he basically hangs up on me. and then to make my night even better, the food that i took it from the freezer to cook for dinner he threw in the garbage, because he thought that it was not good. so there went dinner. i had to cook something really quick for the kids and i basically ate nothing. i am still hungry right now, i just really dont feel like getting up. i dont feel like doing anything lately. i know that i have been gaining some weight slowly because i havent been taking care of myself. i just dont care about anything anymore. i am constantly living in limbo wondering if this will be the month that i wont have a roof over my or my childrens heads. i have gone full circle, this is where is was approx 3 years ago, when i then got evicted twice, but then my life got better again. i am now back where i was, nothing has changed. i am not even smarter, otherwise i would have prevented myself from being in this position. but in this case, i had no choice. the hurricane took my home, and left me scrambling for a place to live. it is just so depressing, everything that i worked so hard for, for about 2 years, is gone. and now it seems like everything that happened before is starting over again. i just cant bail him out if he cant pay the rent, this is something that was done before by his sister one month, his mother one month, me one month, and then when everyones money ran out he was still not able to pay the rent, and we got evicted. it would be stupid for me do something like that, because he doesnt seem to have changed. every conversation that i have with him, has been said years ago. he is 30 years old, for gods sake, why cant he get it together. i have had it together for about 2 years, and i am 5 years younger than him. i already told him something that i mean, and this is true, if you screw this up again, i will never be with you again, and we will be over. this is the umpteenth millionth chance i am giving you, and then after this, i am done. we are done.

My Real Age

Here is the update on everything.

So far I have been succeeding in resisting the temptation to contact HIM because I am establishing that there is just no point in doing that. Amazingly enough he has not contacted me any further then the times that I have mentioned. Which the last time was last Friday night which he didnt leave me a message and he called me very late. So apparently if he didnt leave a message he didnt need or want me to call back. But even though I am not contacting him he is still with me. He is with me in my dreams, last night I know that I had a dream with him in it, I just cant remember what the dream was about. Which is probably a good thing, because if I remembered it would probably just have made me more depressed.

I cant figure out the reason why this is still so upsetting and depressing to me, the only thing that I can think of is that my life sucks at least in my mind, isnt that great. One of the major factors is my husband, if he acted like a normal husband, where I didnt have to worry about his employment, paying the bills, or him treating me bad. Because even though he has never touched me, the way that I am treated with him is horrible. Dont get me wrong there are random moments where he is nice to me, but those are very few and far between. He was so bad on Sunday that I just found myself asking him a lot, why do you have to be angry all the time, and why are you always yelling and finding something to be upset about. his answer is always because i am under a lot of stress. so am i, but i dont act like that.

I took a life age test today at http://www.realage.com/ where they tell you how old you really are from you answering a lot of different questions. They told me that I was at least 5.5 years older then I really am, and that if I didnt change my lifestyle that was going to get worse. I am going to get to be even more older then I already am. Which I find very horrible. so knowing everything and the way that it usually goes for me, i am sure that by time i am 30, then it will say that i am like 40 or 45 because of my life is. so as if i dont usually feel old enough, i have something confirming for me that i am older then i really am. wonderful.

The usual drunk call

Well I think that the last posting that I made was where I was complaining that HE hadnt called me back from when I had called him back. Well I think on Friday night (st. patricks day) he called me at 11:45pm, which is very late for him to be calling me. He knows better than that, so what I am pretty sure happened was that he was drunk (especially being that it was st. pats day) when he called me. Which wouldnt be surprising because that is the state that he usually calls me in. he didnt leave me a message either, I just had the missed call on my phone when I woke up the next morning. That is interesting because usually he would leave me a message if he knew that he was calling late. I dont know what is up with him. I havent called him back yet, I guess because I have been realizing that there is really no point in it, it is always the same thing with him. I am considering emailing him, and start it off by asking him if he had called me on Friday night. But is there really any point in me contacting him? probably not. He is just either going to be drunk and tell me more lies that are evidentally things that he doesnt mean, or he will be sober and just tell me that he was telling me those things because he was drunk. I dont know what I should do. I am so upset and confused about everything that is going on in my life, I just dont know how to handle anything anymore.

my husband was home all weekend---auuggghhhh!

Okay I am going to start this off with an apology, because I am usually really good with keeping this updated, but so many things have been happening that I have not been able to. One of the major things that has been going on is that my husbands work pulled the same you are moving to slow thing, and they made him turn right around on Saturday and go back home, and they also told him not to come in on Sunday. And I guess that they told him that he could come in on Tuesday (today) and that they would be giving him 5 days to straighten out (I guess to get faster). Or he is fired. So this is not good. Considering that this is the fourth job (or fifth I think, I lost count) that has told him that he is too slow, he is realizing now that there is an issue. He is claiming that he is doing the best that he can, but apparently it isnt good enough. So it remains that either he isnt moving fast enough because there really is something wrong with his health as he is claiming, or that his mind is just rebelling against him because he doesnt want to his occupation anymore. The problem is that if this job fires him obviously it doesnt make sense for him to get another job of the same occupation, just to have it for a couple of weeks, and then lose it again. And all he has ever done is this same occupation. He could just take something to have something, but the thing is that he probably wouldnt be able to pay what he has to pay with that salary. What is upsetting me is of course if he doesnt have a job, he cant pay the rent, and then we are in the street again, and I will have to figure out what I am going to do. Because I have went over my bills many times and I just couldnt get more than 200-300 dollars my cutting and reducing my bills, and that would be the only money that I would have per month for rent. So that wont get me anywhere. So I dont know what I will do if I lose another house. I will probably lose my mind, and flip out like I got really close to doing when the hurricane took away my apartment. Another thing that is really worrying me is that he was so depressed last night, it was like he had given up. He was just resigning himself on losing the apartment, and us getting separated again. Not that I really care about us getting separated again, I feel like we already are. And however mean that might sound, I cant help it. He is constantly angry and yelling at me, he is soooo unpleasant to be around. I am really worried about losing another home, and if it was just me I wouldnt care. But I dont want to put my kids through this again. They have already been through so much. And I know that regarding my mental state, I will probably flip out. I dont think that I will be able to handle it again.

lets see if i get what i wrote that i intend to have from a job

on wednesday i found out that i was hired for the job that i had interviewed for. it is to be making 95 cents more an hour (which is better then the same or less, so i am not complaining). i am supposed to be starting on the 27th there, i gave a one week notice to my job on thursday, and they gave me this little attitude, like oh you are only giving us a week. to which i almost responded yes and you are lucky that you are getting that after how you had treated me, but i didnt say that i was nice about it. and then i was told that because i was giving one week instead of a 2 weeks notice, that i wasnt going to be able to be hired back, so i said quite nicely though instead of sarcastically like i wanted to respond, well i guess that is just circumstances that i will have to deal with, because i have no choice. i am just nervous and stressing out about this whole thing now, because this is going to be a big change (and i hate change, it scares me to death), i was at the company i am leaving for almost 2 years, next month would have made 2 years. i am scared that i am making the wrong decision. even though looking at everything in writing, it doesnt seem like i am. i am going to be making more money, working the exact same hours, closer to where i need to be, so less travel time and gas money, not what i was doing before so wont have those same problems (i hope), same benefits (insurance, pto, etc), so looking at all of that it looks like i am making a good decision. especially thinking of the way that the company i am leaving started to really treat me in the end. i am just really scared and nervous and worried, and okay you get the picture. i just know what i had and i dont know what i am getting. on the interesting things to mention side, i was freaking out really bad about it the night that i found out that i had it, and my husband said to me that if i lost the job, that he would just get a second job until i got back on my feet again so that we wouldnt get behind in anything. and at the moment that did make me feel better, however of course with him most of what he says is just words, and he doesnt actually follow through if need be. so i am really hoping that if something did happen he would be there like he said that he would be. also i wish i had a tape recorder and taped him saying it, cause otherwise he also might deny saying it later. i know his tricks.

the update on HIM

(in case you hadnt guessed he still hasnt called me)

This thing with HIM not calling me has been driving me nuts. I just cant believe that he is just not calling me back, especially after the things that he was telling me. It is getting me really upset and angry at him. It is also, and I really hate even writing this because of how stupid that I sound, getting me worried about him. But yes it is is true that he is not the type of person at this time that I want to be in a relationship with, because all of the things (the major thing being
drinking) that I had called our separation/hiatus whatever it was for, he is still doing he has not changed. But in any case, no matter how I think of him at this time, or how I want him in my life, the fact still remains that I am worried about him because I havent spoken with him. and I dont know If he is okay. But the stupid thing is that I actually care. After all the stuff that he has put me through and is still putting me through by making me get over him and everything else, I still care for him. how much or in what way I havent established because I am angry at him too, very angry. I was/am considering sending him an email message just saying are you alive? Because that seems to be something that I am concerned about. After all he has done to be it is probably something that I shouldnt care about, but I do. I dont know why. I keep thinking that he was stupid like he used to be, and drove drunk and got killed or something like that. Because lord knows with him and his drinking. But then something is stopping me from doing that, that
thing in the back of my head saying that I should just leave him and this the way that it is, and not bother messing with anything of this. I should keep getting over this and him, talking to him again would just set me back. And being that he isnt calling me, why start him calling me again. If he calls me fine, but I shouldnt call him. so I guess that I have my brain telling me one thing, and my heart saying another. But one thing for getting over it, is that today is st patricks day and I am reminded of the way that he celebrated it last year with me. He bought beer (I dont remember how much was consumed, I am sure that it was a lot) and he added green food coloring to it, and he drank it. Which was how he spent every night (and day when he wasnt working). I am also reminded of how he would open a beer on the weekends as early as 9am, or earlier. I am also am reminded of the many times when he drank to much (but always claimed that it was because he had ate something that upset him) and was throwing up. I am also reminded of the times when I asked him not to drink that much when his friends were over, but he did, got plastered and passed out in bed and left me to deal with everyone and the mess afterward. Knowing that I didnt really like his friends either. So that was pretty crappy but usual with him because he seemed to have no control over what he did when he was drinking.And from the comment that he made to me somewhat recently about how I was a sound sleeper and how he used to drink more when I was sleeping, I am guessing that even when he told me that he was slowing down, he was really not, he was just sneaking it when I was sleeping.

Here is a recent pic of my doggie

isnt he cute?

"Not A Day Goes By That I Dont Think Of You...."

".......got a memory of you, that i carry in my soul" ......
from "Not a Day Goes By" sung by Lonestar

yes i still do think of HIM all the time even though i am so mad and really cant stand him right now. it is just unbelievable to me how he could be even more of a piece of s**t then i thought he was before, that isnt even calling me back. and then in the back of mind there is something saying what if something is wrong, what if he isnt okay and he cant call me back. and the thing is that it really upsets me to think that there might be something wrong. i still care. aauuugghh i dont want to care. cause it is so obvious through all of this, that he doesnt give two you know whats about me, so why do i still care about him? i dont know. i wish it was just like a switch that i could turn off because i would, i dont want to care anymore. i just want to be able to care the same way about him that he does for me. that is all. it is just so hard but if this is it, i can start getting over it. if he isnt going to call me, i just wish that he would never call me again. because this not calling me for a long time, and then calling me, and telling me all these things, and then not calling me, this is killing me. i cant handle all of this anymore.

well luckily with the husband and the job thing it seems that there wasnt an issue there, and the whole thing somehow got escalated for nothing. so as of now, everything seems okay with that, he is still employed with one job that isnt really cutting it for the bills or anything but it is better then nothing. but now, he said that they are going to be giving him some day shifts and night shifts, they had asked him if they could and he said yes. and he said that when he should get the second job that they said that they could always switch him back to just nights. but he was excited because it means that he will be able to spend more time with me, instead of him being at work when i get home. i just cant bring myself to be happy about this. i am happiest when i dont see him, or dont speak to him. because then we cant argue, he doesnt upset me make me cry or get depressed, and i dont have to worry about hearing his mouth about what i am doing. i can do whatever i want, i can talk on the phone and have a private conversation without hearing his mouth in my conversation, be on the computer, etc. you get the picture. so we will see how all of this works out. i really hope that he doesnt annoy me that badly. geez. there goes my private time to myself at night.

about the job thing, i went for the interview today. they said that if i get fired it would be for about fifty cents or a dollar more then what i am making now, but they offer the same things that i have now like insurance pto vacation time etc. so that is good. and they are closer to my home so less travel time. basically now it is just a wait and see thing, she said that i was definetly going to be a candidate for the position, so at least i know that i have a shot. that is good. i hope that i get it. not only was i an hour and 45 minutes late to work today, hopefully they wont make a big deal out of that. but also they are now starting to get on me about something else to regarding what time that i am logging out. so this is not good. like i didnt have enough problems they have to mess with me about something else. i guess that we will see what happens with everything that i have pending now.

What I Intend To Have From A Job

(okay this is because of my therapist, she said that it might help me focus better on what i want for a job, so here goes)

by the way the reason that i am doing this is because my job right now is intolerable and i cant stand it. i am looking for another one right now, and have an interview on tuesday morning. which is great. the bad thing is that to go to this interview i am going to probably be about 2.5 hours late to the job that i have. and they are already mad at me about my attendance which is unfair because going by their attendance policy i am okay, but they are deciding that my attendance has a pattern and that is what they are upset about. (and mind you of course, most of the days i missed were due to illness which i can prove, then 2 were due to a car accident, and then others were because my apartment got condemned because of damage from the hurricane.) so anyway they told me that if i missed a day this month that i was going to be written up and most likely that it would be my final notice. so i guess we will see what happens if i am late there. because i have to get out of this job, it is stressing me out so much that with everything else that i am always stressed about, it is unmanagable, and then on top of that they are really treated me (and some other people too) badly. i just hope that i dont get fired from this job without having another one. that wouldnt be good. especially considering that my "husband" just called me and told me that where he is working gave him 4 days off next week, so basically he is not on the schedule for 2 days that he should be, and considering that he is hourly that isnt good. and then he told me that apparently the boss was going to fire him (which he claims that he doesnt know why, cause he said that he doesnt do anything wrong) but that he had decided not to, and that is why he had only given him the 3 days to work. i dont know what to do anymore. this is the only job that he has, and he is barely paying his share of the bills with it. i am making myself completely broke, and taking money out of my savings just to buy groceries and things we need for the house. because he claims that he cant help me like he originally said that he would. and now this job is cutting his hours. i really dont know how much more of this i can take. i do know that if we get evicted because of him, we are done and i will be filing for divorce this is like his third, fourth, or fifth (i dont know i lost count) chance. this is it.

anyway, enough ranting again, my things i would like at a job:

a kind and understanding boss.

leniance with attendance

able to request time off and most of the time get it

privacy while working, not having everyone in your business

a view, able to look outside

NOT VERY BUSY OR STRESSFUL (very important)

at least 2.50 or 3 dollars an hour more then what i am making now

good location, close to where i need to bring my kids in the morning


that is what i can think of right now.

More Good News.....not

i did get the police report and called the other persons car insurance company, and great news it turns out that dumb girl who hit me wasnt listed on the insurance of the car that she was driving. so that is wonderful. i called her car insurance and made the report, but i dont know what is going to happen if they are going to cover it or not. they came out the next day and appraised my car, their estimate was almost the exact same as my car insurance, but now i have to wait the process to see if they are going to fix it or not. this whole thing is so ridiculous. if they are not going to cover it, i am probably going to say screw it, i dont feel like messing with this situation. i dont know. life always has to be complicated with me it seems.

I Am Starting To Really Dislike HIM

even bordering on hate, even though i really dont like to say that i hate someone. HIM telling me all of those things when he was drunk really got me going and got me all upset again. that was so cruel. and he just walked away like he has walked away from everything else that he has said or done to me, with no care or regrets. i was looking through my old picture album that i have that is from about the whole year and a half that we were together (and lived together) and looking back yes, i really miss him. but there is one other thing that is really upsetting other then him. it is the life that i lost when i lost him and my apartment. things were so much easier then. i had so much more money than i do now, i liked my housing better, and i had to worry about less. he always made sure that the all (and i mean all) the housework was done, dinner was cooked, even some nights he would bathe and put the kids to bed for me. if i wanted to go somewhere at night, he would stay home and watch them, and if i had to run errands he would keep them with him. he just always seemed to make my life easier. i guess i miss that and that quality about him. cause now i am with someone (if you want to call it that) who just doesnt seem to give a crap most of the time. dont get me wrong, he has been getting better. for example, for the first time in 4 months, he watched the kids for me for 2.5 hours so that i could go do something for me, which was getting my nails done. so that was nice. even still, i had to ask/beg him to do it for me. i really am starting to get very angry and frustrated towards him. because he walked away and left me with all of this crap to do deal with, and he just got away with nothing. and when i am starting to get better, it is almost like he purposely brings me back down again. and of course being that he drinks so much, he can use the alcohol for an excuse for anything that he does. and he always does use that excuse. oh i was drunk, i dont remember, i was drunk thats why i did it. you get the picture. i am really angry at him, and it is definetly bordering on hate. when he called me and finally (after me trying to get an answer out of him for a week) told me that he wasnt coming back, i hated him at that moment, and i told him that. i am really starting to feel like that again. oh, and in case you couldnt tell from my rantings that i have been doing, he hasnt called me back yet. (from my message on thursday)

Entry From Friday Morning (Computer Was Still Not Working)

This is the note that I should really send to him but I am not going to because I am really upset and aggravated with everything and I am sure that whatever I would put in this letter at this time would be in anger, and even though he probably deserves the anger that I am directing towards him, I really don't want to be like that. I just wonder if he realizes how much he hurts me by calling me up (drunk or not drunk) and then saying those things to me. Somewhere in the back of his drunk mind, doesn't he realize that him saying those sorts of things are upsetting to me?So this would be my letter. I wonder if you care how you make me feel when one night you are completely wasted and are telling me that you still love me and that you miss me and all of those things. And that gets me to thinking a little bit, but then a couple of nights later when I talk to you about it you say that you were saying those things to me to try to get me to find someone new. Please tell me how this makes sense to you? Don't you realize that this is hurting me? When you are sober I am sure that you have to realize how not good what you are doing to me is. But I think that the problem is that you are hardly ever sober lately, so you don’t really think about what you are doing. Then you don't even seem to remember anything that happens when you are drunk, it seems that you constantly have blackouts (that is what I was told it would be called). So when you tell me something like how you feel (which is lies because you are drunk, and apparently it is something different when you are sober), or when you tell me that you are going to call me at a certain time or day you don't do it because apparently you don't even remember that you told me that. I am getting so sick and tired of having to deal with this, it is so upsetting to me. I am frustrated, aggravated, and very very hurt. This is something where you say all the things that I have been wanting to hear you say and it all seems like lies. And then when I said something to you about you saying all these things to me, you made a comment to me to stop mooning over you. So I said (which is truth) that I am not mooning over you, and I was almost completely over everything what had happened but that you had then set me back by telling me all these things.

Entry From Thursday Night (Computer Wasn't Working)

i tried calling HIM back tonight, but he didnt answer as usual it seems lately. i am starting to get used to this and expect this from him. i wonder why he is being like this lately. he used to be pretty good at checking his messages and/or answering his phone, but lately it has gotten really bad, probably for the simple fact of him drinking so much lately that he keeps forgetting or not doing things, that would be my guess. this is just so much more upsetting to me, because here he has said things that have upset me so much and he is not speaking to me regarding it. and the one conversation that i did have with him regarding it was while he was drunk, so that wasnt of much help. i need to just start blocking everything like this out of my mind because there isnt any point. as the therapist said all those things that he said to me are lies, and it isnt really him saying them, because he is drunk. if he said them when he is sober it would be different. but the very few times that i have spoken to him when he was sober he has never said anything like this. lets see how long it takes him to call me back, i am not calling him.

This Message From Thursday, Computer Wasn't Working

i went to my therapist last night, and of course the thing that we
discussed the most was him and how upset all of this has made me. she said
a couple of things that were interesting to me and that i really paid
attention to. she said that first of all i shouldnt pay attention to
what he says when he is drunk because it is not the truth, and that if he
isnt saying it when he is sober it isnt true. she also said that
drinking can you make you feel depressed and melchanoly. she also said that
he is at a certain point in relationships where he is probably having
doubts about his new relationship, she also said that there is not going
to be a prince charming that will come and take me away (which i knew
already) and she also said that i need to analyze myself and think about
if he is what i want in a mate. a severe alcholic, where it is just
getting worse. which with the question posed like that, of course the
answer would be no. then she said that regarding him not calling me back
like he said that he would that he probably didnt remember that he said
that to me. and that alcoholics have blackouts where they dont remember
anything later. and he called me last night and proved that fact. (i
didnt answer because i was busy, so i let the voice mail get it) the
message that he left was hey stranger just me calling to say hello so going
from that message you would definetly think that is true that he really
didnt remember. i will call him back tonight, just to see what he has
to say. so we will see.

My Dream On Tuesday Night

i dreamt that i was in a car going through a drive-thru with HIS best
friends and one of us said lets not bring up that subject and argue and
then it ended up being brought up anyway. she said that it was my fault
because of what i said to push him away. then i said something like we
all now what happens when i see him. and that was all i remembered.

Better Picture Of My Godson

I'm So Happy That I Can't Stop Crying, I'm So Happy I'm Laughing Through My Tears."

"I'm So Happy That I can't stop crying" sung by Sting

this whole situation is upsetting me. really badly. i just can't believe that a week ago today, last tuesday night he called me up drunk and said all those things that upset me, and then i called him back on friday night, cause i said that i would call him and then i left him a message. i got mad when he didnt call me back and then called him and had yet another drunk conversation with him, where it basically didnt answer my major question which was why would you say those things to me. because the answer that he gave me, as far as i am concerned was not an answer that was ridiculous. and then that night, saturday night, he said that he would call me back the next day which would have been on sunday night, and he didnt call me back that day, and still hasnt called me. even though this whole thing is very upsetting to me, and frustrating, about how he could say these things to me and then not have a sober conversation with me about it, and not have the decency to call me back like he said that he would, i am trying to use this to make myself realize (yet again) what a jerk that he is. and why i am happy that we are over. this is hard though. i keep staring at my phone and like willing it to ring, because i have so many unanswered questions that yet again he has caused, and yet again that he isnt answering, or isnt answering with answers that make any remote amount of sense. i hate him right now, i really do. he is probably to busy being drunk to call me, or better yet because he was drunk when he said that he would call me, he probably doesnt even remember telling me that. i really do hate him right now, he is lucky that he isnt in the same state as me right now, that is all i have to say. and he is also lucky that i dont have more information about this "girlfriend" that he has, or i would give her information on what a wonderful guy that he really is. oooh, i can't stand him right now.

Life, Please Give Me A Break!!!!

i have been getting so upset about stupid things lately, i am guessing that is just the stress of everything that has been going on. i have been having issues with getting my car fixed, which was due to someone stupid person hitting me while i was stopped at a stop sign, and i called the car insurance company for the other person to try to file a claim against them to try to get my darn car fixed, and i gave them the policy number that i had and they said that they couldnt find that person. so i got so upset that i actually started to cry. i wasnt crying because of the dents in my car which are ugly as heck, i was crying because nothing with me can ever be easy it seems. it always seems like i have to jump through 90 million hoops and do so many things just to get things done that should be simple. so now i have to wait for my police report call them back blah blah blah. that is why i am so frustrated with everything it just seems like nothing is ever easy, and that with all things that i go through i just feel like someone is looking at me and laughing and saying okay she survived that lets see what else we can put her through. she seems to be getting over that ex-boyfriend who left her and didnt come back, lets have him call her up and upset her and set her off again, and then lets have him make it worse by not discussing it with her while sober.

and then of course there is always my husband who seems to get joy out of frustrating me and giving me things to get upset or aggravated about. his latest things to upset me about is saying that he hates the dog, and then listed all the reasons why he does and of course lets not forget my appearance, the way i dress, my tattoos, piercings, etc. and also another thing that he is on is not wanting me to go to visit my best friend in june, and he is very full of reasons why i shouldnt go.

and then of course there is my job situation, my kids, you name it, there is so many things that are spinning around me and it seems like if i blink or take my attention from everything that i am going to lose control of everything. i am getting to the point where i am getting so stressed and upset about everything that i am getting to the exact point that i was at when i first started writing in here. i am just wondering what the point is for all of this. i should definetly go back on those medications, but the side effects were so bad that i didnt want to take them anymore. i dont know, i just wish that i would just have a break from all of this.

i guess right now i am not following the intention that i am supposed to be trying to which was,
i intend to let go of the things that i cannot change.

yeah easier said then done.

The Nerve

well here is a big surprise, he didnt call me at all last night. really big surprise there. him doing this and being like this i think is making it easier for me to get over all this crap and him. because this is just proving the point that i made which is that he either doesnt remember what he tells you when he is drunk or he pretends that he doesnt. that of course and coming back to the irresponsible that he got so drunk that he fell down stairs and hurt his knee and when i was talking to him he was making it sound like it was hurt really bad so he didnt think that he was going to be able to go to work. so more responsibility for him, well that of course and the fact that he still has no goals or aspirations. but that is another subject. so that is such nerve, when he is drunk he calls me up and tells me all these things that are of course going to upset me and then doesnt follow up with me about it like he says that he is going to.

Something That I Have Been Discovering

i have recently discovered somethings that i wanted to quickly put here so that when i start getting upset about HIM and what happened, i can remind myself. First of all him drinking so much now, he admitted last night that he is drinking more then he ever has, is a very bad thing. and if i was with him right now, me and him would be having major issues. because i would be trying to stop him from drinking so much, and trying to find out why. he is drinking so much, that he was so drunk that he fell down stairs and hurt his knee. wonderful. so that is reminding me of the one major issue that he had that i couldnt deal with, it was the major reason that i had called a hiatus with him or whatever you want to call it.

the second thing that i have discovered is that i dont think to highly of him anymore as a person. i used to think that he had really good morals and everything, but i have now established, from past and lately conversations and certain experiences with him, that he doesnt. he is supposed to be in a relationship with this girl supposedly, and we all know what he has done and talks about with me. so....not a good person.

a third thing, which should really go under the first thing, but which is such a major thing is that his drinking and issues with it annoy me, and disgust me. and he doesnt seem to remember conversations that he has had when he is drunk (he claims). i am willing to be, that he isnt going to call me tonight like he said, i will be you that he completely forgets.

so the above are all things that i have been feeling lately, along with of course the hurt and pain and everything else. so who knows, maybe reviewing and thinking of these things, and of course adding more if i can think of more, will help me deal and handle this and get over this.

"You Can Crawl Back Home, Say You Were Wrong...."

"........Stand Out In The Yard And Cry All Night Long, Go Ahead And Water The Lawn My Give A Damn's Busted....."

from "My Give A Damn's Busted" sung by Jo Dee Messina

so interestingly enough last night at around 11pm he calls me, and said that he was calling me back to make sure that i was okay. he tells me that he is at home, in his bathroom, and it turns out that he is talking to me in his bathroom because his girlfriend is in the other room. and i asked him if he remembered what he had said the other night and he said not really. so i told him all that, and asked him why he would have said all of those things, and he said probably because i am on his mind. so then i asked him why i would still be on his mind, and he didnt answer me. he said that he was drunk and had fallen down stairs and hurt his knee, and that it was killing him, so i said wow you are really drinking a lot arent you, and he said that he is drinking more then ever. and i said why, and he really didnt have an answer just something like because i like it. so i asked about his blood pressure, and he said that he was going to get it checked on monday (tomorrow). but that was it about that. i didnt want to carry it on anymore, he said that his girlfriend didnt mind that he drank so much, so apparently he doesnt care anymore. i wonder how long it willt take her for it to start bothering her, like it did me. i told him about when he says those things to me, how it makes me feel, i even used the beer analogy, so he of course, said his ever famous line, oh i dont mean to hurt you. and he said that he was going to stop saying those things to me when he is drunk (yeah right). and then he said that when he left it wasnt like i cared for him at all anyway, and i said that wasnt true, and besides he didnt give me the opportunity to prove otherwise, he just never came back from his vacation that he was supposedly taking. and then he said that the reason that he says those things is that he would like for me to find someone else to be happy with, and stop mooning over him. or something like that. so i said first of all i dont moon over you, i was fine until you called me and said all that crap again. and secone of all in what twisted way do you think that you telling me that you love me and miss me is going to make me get someone else. that doesnt make sense at all. and i said third i dont want anyone. meanwhile, this whole conversation took like 20 minutes, while he is in the bathroom with his girlfriend in the other room, whatever. anyway he ended it by saying that he was going to call me tomorrow (which would be today) and i told him to call me after the time that i always put the kids to bed, and he said okay. so i asked him if he was working today, and he said something about supposed to be working but that his knee (which he did to himself because he was drunk) was really hurt. so i dont know, i think that all of these drunken conversations are reminding me of why i was getting frustrated with him before. he has gone back to the same way (if not worse) of how he was before with his drinking. so anyway that was it, lets see if he calls me tonight like he said that he would.

"I Still Want You By My Side, Just To Help Me Dry The Tears That I've Cried"

from "The First Cut Is The Deepest" sung by Sheryl Crow

because i am really upset about the fact that he didnt call me back after i left the message for him to call me back last night, i called him again tonight, and he actually did answer his phone and he said that he hadnt listened to his messages yet, so he didnt know that i had called him, and then he said that he was at a bar with his brother watching something and i asked him if he remembered anything about the conversation that he had with me on tuesday, and he said that he remembered some, and then he said something about being sorry if he was a jerk or something like that, so i said that it wasnt that he was a jerk but that he had done it again, and that considering that he was at a bar and their was a lot of noise and that he was drunk that it probably wasnt the time to talk about it. so he said true, and that he would call me tomorrow. so we will see if he does, with the way that he has been lately, he is probably not going to. if he does then i am going to tell him how upset that he made me by saying all of those things again. because it just isnt right. as my best friend put it, and i am really loving this analogy, it would be like if i dangled a beer right in front of his face and then waited until he almost had it in his hand, and then i snatched it away from him and said that he couldnt have it. it is that exact thing that he is doing to me. unless he wants to make something out of what he is telling me, which he has told me many times that he doesnt. so he is just slowly hurting me more and more.

My Dream During My Nap That I Somehow Managed To Take Today

i dreamt that i met someone that i really liked, and that they were really nice. his dad was mean though, and owned a bar. me and the guy were the same age, and we even talked about HIM and how he left me. and he talked about his problem that he had with someone else. i used the bathroom in their house, and then realized that i had to leave for a few minutes, but i was naked so i used a towel. and then i called my sister to tell her about it. (which was weird because i dont even have a sister.)

Picture Of My Godson

Isn't he cute?

"There's Always Something There To Remind Me"

so i was supposed to call him on thursday because i said that i was going to, but i didnt because i just didnt feel like handling it. i wasnt planning on an exact date to call him after that, because the last conversation that we had on tuesday had me upset, because he is telling me all these things, but there is no point to him saying them. because it seems that no matter what he says to me, and no matter what i say back or what suggestions that i say to him (like i even said that i would move across several states just to be near him/with him. and he still said no) it is still the same thing. so why is he even bothering to tell me these things, he is just killing me more and more. thats all. it is just hurting me more then i have already been, if that is possible. so when i was at work on friday in the morning, first i talked to someone who lived in the exact same city that he lives in now (which is odd because it is a small and rural city and this has never happened to me before) and then not even 20 minutes later i talked to someone with the exact same last name as him, spelled the same and everything. so i am like, thanks for reminding me of all the hurt and pain. so anyway later on at night when i got home, i decided to call him in the hopes that he wouldnt be drunk so that we could have the conversation that i have decided that i want to have which is going to be me telling him not to say these things to me anymore, because he is just hurting me when he says them and then does nothing about them. so anyway, called him and he didnt answer so i left a message and now he didnt even call me back yet. so that is great. he says all this crap and gets me so upset and worked up and then doesnt even freaking answer his phone or call me back. this has me so upset. all the times that i swore that i wouldnt let a man get me this upset. well look at me now.

The Intentions For Today And Yesterday

I wasnt able to write yesterday, but the intention for yesterday was:

---Today I will be who I am. If I am not yet sure of who I am, I will affirm that I have the right to that discovery.

The intention for today was more along a religious line, which isnt something that i have accepted or followed for a very long time. It said something about turing to that higher power for the source to all needs. And that is something that I am not very sure about so that isnt really going to help me right now. The one from yesterday is pretty good though.

My Daily Intention

my therapist gave me a book which gives you a daily intention to try to follow every day. the one that was actually todays is very fitting. it is:

---I will consider my feelings at work as important as my feelings at home or anywhere else. I will find a way to deal with them.---

very fitting considering all of the issues that i have been having with my job. so now i just have to find a way to deal with them.

"You Live, You Learn; You Love, You Learn; You Cry, You Learn; You Bleed, You Learn; You Scream, You Learn"

"You Live, You Learn" sung by Alanis Morrisette

i am so upset that all that happened on tuesday night, i wish that i hadnt even had that whole conversation. what was the point to it? i found what in my heart i knew and what was confirmed for me when he came back down here, and before that when we had the major drunk conversation, he still loves me and misses me horribly. i know that, everyone who heres the way that he acts and what he does, knows that. but the things that are stopping him from being with me, whatever they are, are killing me. i cant keep hearing this, when i know that even when i say i will go to wherever you are, being that you are saying that where you are now is so great, and he still says no or doesnt answer me. i cant handle this anymore. if he is going to keep calling me when he is drunk, and telling me the truth, because that is what he does when he is drunk, then i dont know what i should do. i just know that i cant keep dealing with this. i wouldnt mind if he was telling me all this, and making a point with it, but he is not accomplishing anything by doing this. i am here, he is there, and there are no changes to that in sight. because he doesnt want there to be any. so i guess that i am just the girl that he calls when he is drunk, flirts with, tells the truth too, and then once he is sober, the conversation never happened.

then i have all this going on with my job, i am very unhappy with my job and just started (last week) trying to look for another job. and now my job is telling me that if i miss anytime this month, that i am then going to be put on final warning, and then that would of course be it if i mess up after that. which stinks because i am one of their top employees which they never hestiate to tell me, but they have definetly not been showing it lately which is why i want to leave. and this is definetly reinforcing that for me. but the problem is that in order for me to go on an interview to try to get a job, i have to miss time from work, because they always only want to interview the same hours that i am working. so now i have an issue, because if i am going on interviews and missing work, then i am risking losing the job that i have that i dont like right now. i dont know. no wonder i have migraines thinking about all this garbage.

Here We Go Again

wouldnt you know it, about 5 or 10 minutes after i posted the last post on tuesday night, HE called me. and he was drunk. and basically it was a here we go again. because it was just the same thing all over again. he started the call of with telling me that the reason that he had called was because he missed me, so i told him that i couldnt call him because he hadnt called me back. i guess that he was so drunk that time that he didnt remember what we had said, so he apologized. anyway the whole conversation was with him being drunk the truth coming out on his side. he said that he loves me (like three times) and asked if i felt the same. i said that i did. and then we were talking (we talked for like a half hour) and he was askiing like what i was wearing and all of that, so i said if you are feeling this certain way that you are ho...y then why arent you talking to your girlfriend where is she and he said that she was away at school. so then i said again if you are saying that you love me so much, then when i said why didnt you want to be with me when we said so. and he said oh i love the city that i now live in. so i said well why didnt you want me to move closer to you like i offered and then you could have stayed in that city. i dont think that he responded to that. i was telling him about the problems that i was having with frank and the rent and everything and i told him that i might be homeless and that i had told him that i might have to stay with my friend in another state if i had no where else to stay and then he made the comment of i guess if you are so close to me (i would be like 4 hours away) that i am sure you will be calling me for like b...ty calls. so i said i dont know maybe would you except them? and he said it depends would you have something that you used to. and i said yes, and then he didnt answer me. and that was the way that he conversation went for about a half hour. basically the whole idea of the call was him telling me that he loved me, and was evidentally wanting me, and along those lines. but of course at no point was it mentioned that we were actually ever going to get back together. booty calls were mentioned by him of course, and not me. at the end of the call, he had said that he was going to call me the next day, so i told him not to because i had my appointments and things to do. so he then said well i will leave it up to you, you can call me when you are ready. and i had said okay, i will call you on thursday. i havent called him tonight, and i really dont feel like it so i am not going to. i have been having major issues at work, and also with the rest of my life. i also had a horrible migraine in the beginning of the day today so i am not going to call him. i just dont want to deal with the emotions that it brings out of me. he had me starting to cry when i was talking to him tuesday night.