You Cant Always Get What You Want

and then the next line to that of course is "if you try sometime, you just might find, you get what you need." but do you really get what you need? i dont know. do you really get what you need. or do you just have to deal with what you get and make due with it, because that is all that you are going to be able to get? i dont know. i had a nice night with the guy last night, i suppose, it had its ups and it downs. overall if my mood was better i probably would have really completely enjoyed it, but there was some things that were bringing me down. for example, the fact that this new job that he got he had to take a pay cut of like a thousand dollars a month, and with the two jobs is going to make enough to pay the bills that he has now living with his parents and have a tiny bit left over. and he said that getting on his own again, or even with a roommate was going to be in the very distant future because he just cant afford it, with the amount of money that he told me that he was going to be making right now that sounds about right. he said at least another year, which i was just like oh okay. and didnt say anything else, because we all remember the reason that i started keeping my options open about finding a guy that i could have a good relationship with and eventually move in with, but i dont think that i was thinking that it would take that long. i dont know. it was different when he had his own place, now it is just a pain in the butt most of the time. cause we cant really be alone if you know what i mean. i mean we figure out ways but i dont know it just isnt the same. maybe if i hadnt seen how it was before, then i wouldnt miss it as much now, i dont know. last night was good, i had rented a hotel room, and paid for it, 71 dollars, and we went at it like 5 times i think was the end number, it was good, loving at times, rough others, so it was really good to me cause that is how i like it. and in the month that it has been since we hooked back up, i finally had what i hadnt been able to have. which was great. i was like thank you god. so that part was good. we were talking and he said that probably right now fri nights would be good for us to see each other with his work schedule and everything so i guess that we will see how that goes. then i asked him if i couldnt have sex for like 2-6 weeks how that would be, and he said that it wouldnt be a big deal, that isnt all that he is about with me, and he asked if i had to have surgery i said maybe something like that, and he said okay, and that was that. he also said that he would contact me today which he hasnt. he also couldnt sleep in the room, supposedly couldnt fall asleep, and left at about 3:00am, he did ask me like three times if it was okay, and i said yes, what was i going to say. so i stayed and finally fell asleep at about 3:30am ,got back up at 6am left came home, got back up at 8:40am gave the kids breakfast and fell back asleep and slept til noon. so at least i got some rest. he had said when he was leaving that he would contact me at some time today, which he of course hasnt yet. i suppose that i should be used to him doing that by now. i am just getting more and more unhappy with myself and the situations that i have right now. i am getting depressed about everything. i had hooked up with him in the beginning because i was looking for a way out of my situation, it doesnt look like this is a way out of my situation at all. i mean i do like him, a lot, i am falling for him most likely, but i am trying not to let myself do that. cause i really dont want to end up getting hurt, and i just dont see if this has a future. if it does i just cant see it. i guess when i made that comment yesterday about the sex, i was thinking that was going to push him away, and i was thinking let him be pushed away now if he is going to be, that is less attachment i would have, only i dont think that it did push him away. unless he thought about it, and it is affecting him now, who knows.

my husband, who has been not bothering me or wanting sex for the past probably month a half, was bugging me for sex today, and i was of course no i dont think so. now you freaking want it nice try. its just weird though, and now he is thinking that something is wrong, cause i never used to turn down sex. even if i wasnt with the guy right now, i still probably would have turned him down, because it just pisses me off how it it has to be on his terms.

i broke down and sent an email to him this morning, didnt say that much just said hi, and that if he didnt want to respond to the email that he didnt have to, but that i hadnt heard from him in a while and was wondering if he was okay. and also that i had changed my number and that wasnt a working number anymore if he had tried to call me. he hasnt responded yet, and who knows he might not, but i just wanted to send it, i dont really know what the major reason was. maybe being that it said single i wanted to see if he was miserable i dont know. i probably miss him a little bit, i never really have gotten over him i suppose.

cold metal on my skin,
how i long for you to go through my flesh,
and let me see my blood flow,
just a few cuts is all it would take,
to get this urge out of my system.
no major damage would be done,
just enough to take the pain away,
and replace it with a different pain.
a pain that depending on the mood that i am in,
feels really good.
how i long to feel that metal on my skin,
can i keep fighting this urge?
and if i can for how long,
i know that given my mood now,
it will only be a matter of time before i give in.
and then it will be done,
and the urge will be gone and i will relieved.
the only thing left that i will feel is guilt,
for doing something to myself that i know isnt good,
but feels like it is something that i need.

(this is a poem that i just wrote, and describes perfectly how i am feeling right now)