Confusion And Starting To Resign Myself

i have resigned myself to the fact that it just seems like i am not going to feel better any time soon. i just feel so crappy lately, and i just cant seem to feel better. i was getting so upset and frustrated at work today, because i felt so bad that i started to cry, luckily not obviously so that people could see me, but a little bit til i got a grip on myself. health wise i felt so bad this morning and early afternoon that it was so upsetting, it seems like whatever this is it just wont leave me alone. even with all the darn medicine that the doctor gave me to take. which is horrible that even all that wont help. then i went to my sons school tonight and hurt my darn finger/nail and that hurts, and was bleeding. not that i really mind the pain, cause pain like that doesnt really bother me, it just aggravates me that it looks stupid, hopefully i can go fix it on wednesday night, and that works out okay, and they can even fix it, cause i dont know with the way that i broke it and hurt myself and everything. i just dont want to look dumb for christmas but then again to a point, i dont really care as much about the way that i look. i just dont really seem to care as much about anything anymore. one of my old on again off again sort of friends, you know the ones that you hear from for special occasions of like every 6 months or so, has been calling me for the past week on and off to try to get me to go to her baby shower this weekend, on sunday, and normally that would be something that i would be really happy and excited about going to, but instead i dont want to go and am not going to go. because not only is it about 45 minutes or more away, and i would have to bring the kids by myself there, but i also just dont want to go and deal with it, i dont want to be around happy people who are all excited about babies and how great everything is going for them, because right now i am just miserable with everything that is going on. i just feel most of the time like just curling in a ball and staying there. and doing that doesnt take away the urge for very long, because it is back already. to a point though i just dont care about anything anymore, i know that i have put in a few pounds in a couple of months, and that i dont take care of myself as well as i did before, or take much pride in what i wear or the things that i do, but i just dont care anymore. i really dont. this thing with the guy was helping me before, and i guess giving me something else to focus on and the attention and affection that he gave me started making me care about things again, but not anymore, i guess that i have resigned myself to the fact that i dont know if we are going to still be together, or last, or how much that we will last. if he really wants us to be together and stay like we were, we could but i guess that he needs to figure that out for himself. he texted me earlier today, this afternoon really, and said that he was going to have to do the family thing today, and that he would try to talk to me when he got back, so i was online, and he was online and we i'med for maybe 30-45 minutes, it wasnt much of a conversation of anything that interesting, he is working at night this weekend, which we knew already, and is supposed to be talking to the guy about the weekend job tomorrow. so lets see how that goes, i guess, he doesnt seem that confident about it though. i jokingly asked if he missed me and he said that he missed me all day. then we were talking about saturday and how awesome that it was for both of us, we did that for a good part of the conversation, one of the comments that he made was that sex with me was beyond amazing and that being with me was great, and i basically said the same thing back. so finally all this talk prompted me to say i think that we would be really stupid to end this, and then i also added sorry just being honest, and then he said yeah i agree, and then he ended the conversation by saying that his brother needed to use the computer, and that he would try to talk to me at some point tomorrow, so i said okay, and then he said love ya baby (just like he has been lately) and i said love u too, and that was it. i meant what i said, i think the way that we get along sexually and personality wise that it would be dumb for this to be ended. and i am sure that he would be the one to end it. but i have said it before and i will say it again, i will never beg a man to stay with me or not leave me, if that is what they want to do fine, so if that is what he decided to do, then there would be nothing that i can do to change that. and i am trying to resign myself to the fact that it could very well happen easily. because that is the direction that i have thought that this was headed in for a while. so lets see what happens, if he does end it though, i meant it that would be really dumb i think, and i am sure that he would regret it just like he did last time.