The Things That I Want To Do But Shouldnt

there is one major thing that i want to do really badly right now but am restraining myself from doing, at least at the moment. right now i really want to send an email to my single (so his my space says, which is a change, because it always said before in a relationship, last update was end of november) ex, you know, HIM, and just say hi, and see if he responds. because i havent heard from him since he got sober in the beginning of july and evidentally went through this whole big thing. of course now my phone number is different, so even if he did want to contact me now he cant but that change was just made the begin of this month. so if he wanted to contact me he could have done so for the past 5 months, and hasnt. maybe it is just because it says single on there which it hasnt said before, maybe that is what is drawing me to contact him. i dont know. there is something really strong that is making me want to contact him. maybe because i am so depressed right now, and he reminds me of one of the many things that i have lost or didnt go the way that i had wanted. i really dont know. i do know, that i am trying to restrain myself from contacting him. on a different subject, the guy imed me this afternoon and basically just said hi, and he said that he would be on tonight. so we talked tonight for maybe 15 minutes the most, and then he said really abruptly that he had to go, and that he would be back. that was about 45 minutes ago, and of course he hasnt been back. then there is the thing now that he is going to be working 7 days a week, he has a day job working mon-fri, and then a night job that he doesnt get off until 12am on sat and sun. so i asked him what he was going to do about seeing each other or something like that, so he said that he was going to have to figure something out, and so i said are we going to keep seeing each other, and he said that he would do his best so that we could. whatever that means. so as of right now, i am just weirded out about that, because it wasnt like he said yes, we will definetly keep seeing each other, we just might have to work it out differently with our schedules, he just answered a little differently then i expected him too. which i am sure is nothing, i am just in a really weird ultra sensitive mood right now, so everything is upsetting to me. a website that i needed to go on wasnt working last night, and i burst into tears when i couldnt get on it. like hysterical tears, so that was great. well the extra special saturday night that is supposed to happen is still okay according to him, he said that the job was begging him to work and he told them no that he couldnt. because he thought that i would kill him. (not even because he really wanted to be with me wasnt what he said). which is true though, i would have probably killed him because i am spending a lot of money for this night, and him not being there would really ruin it. then today my boss upset me because i was standing up in a conversation right next to my desk with like 3 other people, and she picked me out to say can you jump back on the phone. and i am the person there that takes the most calls, i am not even bragging, it is statistically true, on all the reports that they pull. so that upset me, i didnt even say anything i just sat back down at my desk and started my work again. this whole thing that i have going on with my health is really upsetting me, not even upsetting it is really depressing me, now what i am thinking of is not only of the complications that could come with it, or what it means, or the recovery afterward, i am thinking of all that still, but i am also thinking of the cost with my insurance, and the fact that i really just dont have that money, and also about the how much time off work that i would take and how i can afford to lose that type of money. which i cant then i wouldnt be able to pay my bills. and it is just fine for me to say that if i cant work for a few weeks because of this procedure or my health, or if i have a hard time finding a job in june when i lose the one that i have, that my husband needs to step up to the plate and do what he has to do, especially being that i have done that, and taken care of his butt so many times. but the question stands would he actually step up and do that. i honestly dont know. i cant imagine him supporting the whole house by himself, probably because it has been so long since he has done that. and even then it was for such a short amount of time that he did it okay, before he got us evicted twice. so i dont know. i just have so many things going on right now that my head is crazy with all this crap flying around in it. i can hardly concentrate i am bursting into tears for no reason, then the next minute losing my temper. it is horrible. and yet another thing is that there is the slightest chance that i might have been really stupid and could have gotten my really dumb butt pregnant. thats great right, that would be a hugely horrible thing right now. see i was on an antibiotic (and my birth control to of course but the antibiotic can really weaken that) and i was caught in the moment and i freaking forgot about it, and realized it like 2 days later. so because i was starting to panic, i looked at a fertility calculator based on the my last period, and wouldnt ya know the day that i did it that time was one of the days in my fertile week window. so that is great. the chance of being pregnant is really slim though so i am not going to start flipping out about that now. it was just me being stupid.