I Must Be Crazy

i think all the pain that i am feeling in my mouth (more on that soon) has gone to my brain. cause i did something that i wasnt going to do. originally i sent him an email message to the last email address that i had for HIM, basically i said in it: you dont have to answer this if you dont want to, i just havent heard from you in a really long time, and wanted to know if you were okay. i changed my phone number, so i know that even if you had called me at a certain time, that number was disconnected. so i had sent that on the 10th and he hadnt answered, and being that i wasnt even sure if he still checked that email address because i know that is a very old one, i sent him a message on his my space today. which yes, that is the part where i am saying that i must have lost my mind, but i think what it is is that i want to know for myself that he definetly got that message, so know i know that he will get it, because he seems to check his my space all the time. the last time that he had checked it was christmas day which was a few days ago. so anyway, the message that i sent was: i had emailed you a while ago, and you didnt answer, so i just wanted to let you know that i got your unspoken message, and i wont try to contact you again. i wish you the best with everything. and that was that, so if he didnt get the message, this is making sure that he knew that i was trying to contact him, and if he did get the message then this is it, i am just letting him know that i wont try to contact him again, which i wont. so i guess i will see what happens, basically i just wanted to make sure that he got the message, so now i will know that he got it. not that i am even thinking of getting back with him or anything like that, because i have established by now that he doesnt want that, and evidentally he is a cheat, because this would make 2 times that he cheated on that girl, once being with me. and i cant stand someone who cheats when both them are acting like they are in a loving relationship and then there is supposdly nothing wrong with the relationship. (i am a different story then that). and apparently that was one of the reasons that they had broken up. so anyway, that is that, like i said in the message, after this i wont try to contact him again. maybe i just want to say to him haha because he is the one that ruined their relationship and made them breakup and she got hurt the same that i did, when she got with him only like 2 days after dumping me. so okay i am probably being evil but whatever. i dont honestly expect him to respond to the my space message that i just left, but thats okay. i actually feel a little sorry for the girl though, because he hurt her just like he hurt me. anyway, i am done with that subject. i cant really explain what possessed me to do it, when i try to analyze it i cant figure it out. i will just blame it on being in pain, thats all. so about the pain, i have been feeling a little pain when i ate something cold or hot, and it wasnt that bad and i could function okay, but then when i woke up this morning it was constantly hurting and wouldnt stop. so i made a dentists appt for tomorrow being that i already have the day off, and of couse tomorrow is my birthday so that is upsetting to me right now, that i have to deal with this and go to the dentists on my birthday. and then i have to tell the dentist that i need to be able to eat and not be in that much pain afterward because my mom has something planned for my birthday, she wont tell me what just that it is a surprise. but she has been saying for a couple of days that she has been preparing for it so it must be something, so because of that i need to make sure that i am not to messed up tomorrow after the dentists. it just sucks, it seems like i go through so much and deal with so many things, i know that other people have problems to, but i just wish that just once i could have a day like i planned and uneventful. for example for tomorrow, i had a nice uneventful relaxing just for me day planned, with shopping, me having a nice lunch out, and then after all of that then going to my moms for whatever i have planned, so now i have to go to the dentists in the morning, and i really hope that i feel okay afterward. and then next a week from tomorrow, i have the thing at the obgyn where i have to have the procedure/test done, which wont be pleasant either during or afterward, and then be on pins and needles waiting for the results to see what is going to happen next. i just wish that none of this had to happen to me, but i guess that is a dumb wish, because as i have learned from past experience, we cant change the past and what is going to be is going to be. my little ocd issues that i have been acting up, they strike every once in a tiny while, when i am getting really upset or stressed out about something. so like right now i am stressing about the dentist and the other appt that i have next week, and about every 3 minutes i keep looking in my purse to make sure that i have my insurance card, money, and stuff like that. and i just keep getting up and looking even though i just looked like 3 minutes ago and it was there. i hate it when i do this, it just something that i cant help sometimes. it happens very rarely. so i am trying to get over it, i showed my husband what was there that i kept making sure that i had, so that he could tell me that it was there if i tried to look for it again, but that isnt really helping me now that i think about it because i am not seeing it for myself that it is there. auughhh. i hate this, i really should seek professional help again for all of this stuff that i have going on. like the ocd, the being depressed almost all the time, and also the issue with my eating. even though i know that i have been eating a lot more then usual lately, and have been putting on pounds i just dont care (which i guess is linked to depression) and when i get depressed i just eat more. i dont even want to put here how weight that i have gained but it is not like one or two pounds i will say that much. unfortunately. i really hope that tomorrow goes okay with this dentist thing, that is weighing on my mind the most out of everything right now.