And The Other Shoes Drop

not even one shoe, shoes. more then one shoe. the shoes are that of course, HE hasnt responded to my email. that isnt really one of the shoes though because i wasnt really expecting him too, that was more of a last ditch effort and now i am done. i am going to get him out of my freaking mind and that is that, i was just curious to see what was going on, because that was something new that i had saw, but that is that now. the big shoe right now is that ever since saturday night, my contact with the guy has been limited. ever since he left in the morning at like 3am, he hadnt contacted me. when i logged in tonight to my instant messenger there was a message from him that was there at about 10:40pm and said that he had just gotten back from softball and that he would look for me online today. so today i went online and at about 9:02pm he was there, and we have been talking, and he said that he wasnt working friday night, but that he might have to do the family thing. and that he wasnt sure yet about that. so i said well why dont you let me know when your schedule gives you some time. and the answer was that it was going to be really busy with him working on weekend nights but that he couldnt afford not to , and that he really didnt see an end in sight. so i said with your schedule and everything what does that mean, and the answer that i got was let me see how it goes for a week or so. basically the end of the conversation was that he said that we'll give it a week or so, and i guess see what happens with the scheduling and everything, but that we wouldnt let it drag on if it looked like we would never get to see each other, so i agreed that there wouldnt be any point in that, and he said that he was hoping that it didnt get to that, and i said that i hoped not too, and that was really it. he said that he was tired and was going to go, and that if his team didnt win something, that he might be on tomorrow at 10pm, and that if not he would text me tomorrow. and that was that. honestly. i saw this coming, once he was saying that he had the second job and that he would be working at night on the weekends, it was just a matter of when it would happen. i am pretty sure (it could just be me being negative though, who knows) that this will be it for me and him. i shouldnt have even spent that damn 71.00 on that night, but whatever, i guess at least it was over with a bang anyway. it was good while it lasted. it just sucks thats all. on mon and weds i am free from like 8pm on, but he has a game he plays those days. then on sat and sun nights i am free again from 8pm on but he has to work. then on the other days which are tues, thurs and fri, i cant usually get out til 10pm because no one to watch the kids, are those are usually the days that he has available. but whatever, i mean at least i would be avail those days, just not til 10pm, but that doesnt seem to be the time that he would want. i am just so upset right now nothing seems to be going right. and i swear if i am pregnant i will probably jump off the highest thing that i can find, that is how bad that would be right now. then one of the other shoes was that my asthma and lungs were so bad today that i couldnt breathe to the point that i had to ask my manager to leave work early (luckily she said okay and didnt seem upset), i had to go to the doctors and get some more medicine, she said that i seemed like i had a post nasal drip and gave me some medicine for that, she said that it and my cough might be caused by a virus that i might be fighting. so thats great, i am back to feeling even more crappier then before again, not only mentally but physically too. and the great thing of course is that the crappier that i feel physically, it just makes me get more and more upset mentally. so that is great. i am running out of money for christmas, had to already start dipping into the savings, almost have nothing left in there already, and i am not close to done yet. and then my stupid husband had to tell his mother about my issues last night with the cancer and everything, and she asked to talk to me, she had went through something similar to it, and was trying to give me some suggestions. but what got me upset and had me very close to crying at the end is that she told me at several times that if i needed anything to call her and also that even if i just wanted to talk about it just to call her and that she would like to talk to me about it. right now i just at the point so desperately that i just want to be done with this whole life, this experience, i just want to be done. i am tired of dealing with all the crap, everyone always says that you have to get through the crap to get through the good stuff, but i cant honestly remember that much good stuff since oct of last year. im still waiting for it. i am just so discouraged with everything right now, it just sucks. i dont even want to talk about it anymore.