New Years Eve, And Stuff

well, some new and interesting things have occured lately, my husbands gift to me for my birthday was a webcam. i am beginning to wonder if it was for me or him, because he constantly wants to use the computer and the webcam now, which he didnt really use the computer that much before. at least i didnt think so before, but now i found out that he has been talking with women and cybering with them when i am not home. even though he claims that he never actually completed the operation while doing it i dont know if i believe him or not. but anyway that is a little weird to me. and the whats even weirder was that last night, well i am not going to go into detail, but lets just say it involved me and him naked, with the webcam, computer, and other people watching. which was strange for him, cause that isnt really like me. i could see that for me, cause i like most of that sort of stuff but not him. so i dont know. so that is that. then there is the fact that he has been nicer to me then usual, wanting sex more, and even agreed to help me out by helping pay for me to have my tooth extracted and also helping me with grocery money for this month, because i just havent been working the overtime or the hours for it like i was before, which is mostly because school is out and sometimes i cant drop my daughter off as early as i can when their is school. so he actually said that he would help me. which was shocking, i did get some maybe good news yesterday, i told my mom my predicament with the dentists office, and going there, and that i didnt want to drive myself home (which is about a 20-30 min drive) after having the tooth extracted, and she said that my dad would drive me home in my car, and that she would follow in theirs so that i wouldnt have to drive myself home. that is all based on something that they are waiting for with their car, so as long as that goes okay, my problem is solved. so i am crossing my fingers for that. i have been chatting back and forth with HIM on my space and we added each other as friends on there too. it is so funny, we are just chatting like acquintances like old friends who havent talked in a while, and so far we seem to be tip toeing around anything major, like ex's or his issues or anything like that. we have been talking about like christmas presents and stuff. which is fine, honestly i wasnt expecting nor did i want anything from starting to talk to him again, after everything i just wanted to see if he was okay, and now that i see that he is thats okay. i guess, this just feels weird to me, like we are strangers. oh well, that is fine with me, i dont want to get emotionally involved or attached or anything like that. because i really dont need that. my ex was pretty nice so far about the dentist thing, and because i didnt think that my husband would help me pay for it, since he usually isnt good when it comes to those things, he told me that he would give me an advance in child support, and instead of giving me the months worth that he would normally give me at this time, he said that he would give 2 months, which was nice, and would well cover the dental extraction if i needed it too. so that was good. it feels so weird that everyone is being so nice to me, i am used to fighting with everyone, maybe everyone just feels sorry for me.

Happy Birthday To Me 2006

well today i am officially 26 years old, more gray hairs, more issues, the usual for me it seems. i was in the dentists office all morning, spent over a 100 dollars, had one tooth with a cavity filled and was told that i had to come back and get one of my wisdom tooth pulled because it has two cavities in it, so that is just great. so next friday i had my appt for the biopsy with the obgyn, and now i have an appt with the dentist to find out how much it is going to be to have it pulled, it estimated at 200-300 dollars with my insurance, and then to have it pulled if i desire to do it at that time. which i might as well just get it done. so that was a great thing on my birthday, so now i am still in pain, and uncomfortable cant eat on side of my mouth, and have to go back next week for more things to be done, which is just great. i have never had a tooth pulled before, but from what i have heard it isnt very pleasant. well, other then that whole wonderful experience today, today was nice. i met my parents for lunch after that (with the kids, because they watched them today) them i went shopping for a few hours, managed to get a few pieces of clothing for myself, then i went to the party that my mom had for me. which was nice. she had a whole bunch of food there and it was fun. she also gave me a few nice presents, including a one of those three layer scented candles, and also some cookbooks because she saw me looking at them in the bookstore, which was really thoughtful. me and my mom had a lot of hard times up until i moved out at age 18 and we still have minor arguments now, but we get along a lot better now, and we have a good relationship. and no matter how much we dont see eye to eye on a lot of things, she is the best mother. she takes care of me, she does what she can, she is always there for me to talk to, and she is so thoughtful. when i need her help, i may have to hear about it for a while, but she always comes through for me. and she has made me the person that i am today by always being there for me, but letting me make my own mistakes and learn on my own. and then telling me i told you so. i hope that in many ways, i am the same way and will be the same with my kids when i need to be. i got a message on my space from HIM today, he answered ""wait, when did you try to contact me?!" so my answer was ""i sent you a message at your _____ address at yahoo. i think that it was about 2 or 3 weeks ago, or something like that." so lets see if he has something to answer to that. here are some pictures from today:

above are pictures of me and the kids at my party, now below is what two of the things that i bought for the kids on my shopping trip today, i couldnt go shopping for me and not get them anything of course....

I Must Be Crazy

i think all the pain that i am feeling in my mouth (more on that soon) has gone to my brain. cause i did something that i wasnt going to do. originally i sent him an email message to the last email address that i had for HIM, basically i said in it: you dont have to answer this if you dont want to, i just havent heard from you in a really long time, and wanted to know if you were okay. i changed my phone number, so i know that even if you had called me at a certain time, that number was disconnected. so i had sent that on the 10th and he hadnt answered, and being that i wasnt even sure if he still checked that email address because i know that is a very old one, i sent him a message on his my space today. which yes, that is the part where i am saying that i must have lost my mind, but i think what it is is that i want to know for myself that he definetly got that message, so know i know that he will get it, because he seems to check his my space all the time. the last time that he had checked it was christmas day which was a few days ago. so anyway, the message that i sent was: i had emailed you a while ago, and you didnt answer, so i just wanted to let you know that i got your unspoken message, and i wont try to contact you again. i wish you the best with everything. and that was that, so if he didnt get the message, this is making sure that he knew that i was trying to contact him, and if he did get the message then this is it, i am just letting him know that i wont try to contact him again, which i wont. so i guess i will see what happens, basically i just wanted to make sure that he got the message, so now i will know that he got it. not that i am even thinking of getting back with him or anything like that, because i have established by now that he doesnt want that, and evidentally he is a cheat, because this would make 2 times that he cheated on that girl, once being with me. and i cant stand someone who cheats when both them are acting like they are in a loving relationship and then there is supposdly nothing wrong with the relationship. (i am a different story then that). and apparently that was one of the reasons that they had broken up. so anyway, that is that, like i said in the message, after this i wont try to contact him again. maybe i just want to say to him haha because he is the one that ruined their relationship and made them breakup and she got hurt the same that i did, when she got with him only like 2 days after dumping me. so okay i am probably being evil but whatever. i dont honestly expect him to respond to the my space message that i just left, but thats okay. i actually feel a little sorry for the girl though, because he hurt her just like he hurt me. anyway, i am done with that subject. i cant really explain what possessed me to do it, when i try to analyze it i cant figure it out. i will just blame it on being in pain, thats all. so about the pain, i have been feeling a little pain when i ate something cold or hot, and it wasnt that bad and i could function okay, but then when i woke up this morning it was constantly hurting and wouldnt stop. so i made a dentists appt for tomorrow being that i already have the day off, and of couse tomorrow is my birthday so that is upsetting to me right now, that i have to deal with this and go to the dentists on my birthday. and then i have to tell the dentist that i need to be able to eat and not be in that much pain afterward because my mom has something planned for my birthday, she wont tell me what just that it is a surprise. but she has been saying for a couple of days that she has been preparing for it so it must be something, so because of that i need to make sure that i am not to messed up tomorrow after the dentists. it just sucks, it seems like i go through so much and deal with so many things, i know that other people have problems to, but i just wish that just once i could have a day like i planned and uneventful. for example for tomorrow, i had a nice uneventful relaxing just for me day planned, with shopping, me having a nice lunch out, and then after all of that then going to my moms for whatever i have planned, so now i have to go to the dentists in the morning, and i really hope that i feel okay afterward. and then next a week from tomorrow, i have the thing at the obgyn where i have to have the procedure/test done, which wont be pleasant either during or afterward, and then be on pins and needles waiting for the results to see what is going to happen next. i just wish that none of this had to happen to me, but i guess that is a dumb wish, because as i have learned from past experience, we cant change the past and what is going to be is going to be. my little ocd issues that i have been acting up, they strike every once in a tiny while, when i am getting really upset or stressed out about something. so like right now i am stressing about the dentist and the other appt that i have next week, and about every 3 minutes i keep looking in my purse to make sure that i have my insurance card, money, and stuff like that. and i just keep getting up and looking even though i just looked like 3 minutes ago and it was there. i hate it when i do this, it just something that i cant help sometimes. it happens very rarely. so i am trying to get over it, i showed my husband what was there that i kept making sure that i had, so that he could tell me that it was there if i tried to look for it again, but that isnt really helping me now that i think about it because i am not seeing it for myself that it is there. auughhh. i hate this, i really should seek professional help again for all of this stuff that i have going on. like the ocd, the being depressed almost all the time, and also the issue with my eating. even though i know that i have been eating a lot more then usual lately, and have been putting on pounds i just dont care (which i guess is linked to depression) and when i get depressed i just eat more. i dont even want to put here how weight that i have gained but it is not like one or two pounds i will say that much. unfortunately. i really hope that tomorrow goes okay with this dentist thing, that is weighing on my mind the most out of everything right now.

This Blog Is For You, You Know Who You Are

This was also posted on my space so that everyone could read it:

You complained about shallow bitches and how that only want certain guys who have money and certain material objects. You asked what about the nice guy, what did he get if he didnt have all of those things. The "nice guy" got a nice girl who liked him for him and didnt care that he didnt have any of those things, but evidentally that didnt mean anything to him, because in the end she was treated like garbage, and not like she deserved. So in answer to your question, you arent a nice guy, dont act like you are. Me, being the nice girl, got dumped by you once, and was dumb enough to give you a second chance and take you back and try it again with you. So I tried it again, and went back with you. and look what you did. You promised that you wouldnt hurt me, and would treat me like I deserved, This was not what I deserved, I deserved better than this. So you lied. Just like every other man that has been in my life, you lied to me and hurt me. You are one of those guys that claim to be a nice guy who wont hurt you, and then does. You give nice guys a bad name, and make it harder for all the actual nice guys because you make women afraid to get involved, because of the fear that they now have of getting hurt. Because what happens when they trust someone like you? This happens, not even once, but twice. But I have learned my lesson now with you. Your chances with me are gone, and you will never be back with me again. You got rid of a good thing, someone who actually liked you for you, and didnt want to change you. My guess is that the problem was the same thing as the last time that you broke up with me, which i believe i know the true reason of. And that was that you started to really like me and feel something strong for me and you got scared. Scared of commitment, scared of feeling something, just scared in general. And now look where you ended up now, all alone. Here is a final message for you, I believe in karma and how we all get what is coming to us, and that means that what you did to me and put me through will come back to you times ten when you are least expecting it. So watch out.

I Am So Upset With Men

well this is going to be a relatively short post, cause it is getting late and i am tired and aggravated, but i just wanted to post here how upset i am with men, the guy dumped which i figured that he would, but the way that he did it, and what he said was so upsetting and mean that it wasnt horrible. so now i am upset with that, it was just incredible the way that he did it, it was so heartless, like it was something that he had to do, and that was it, i will go more in detail maybe tomorrow i am sure, but it is just so upsetting right now i and i am tired i dont even want to. then my dumb ass husband walks in the door from work and says omg you didnt clean the house what did you do today. mind you i worked today, took care of my son, fixed dinner and washed the sink full of dishes, so i said to him dont you f;ing start with me, and he dropped it, and apologized for acting like that, i dont think that he was really sorry, and that he was just saying that, but after i reacted like that, he started doing some cleaning and picking up himself. i just hate when he acts like that, such an asshole. i learned something interesting today too, about HIM, i went on his my space because i was curious to see if he was alive, being that when i sent him that email, he didnt answer me. so anyway he is definetly alive, because his last log in was yesterday, and i was going to send him a message through there saying like i got your unspoken message i wont try to contact you again, but before i did that for some reason something made me not do that, and instead click on his girlfriends (or being that it says that he is single) ex girfriends profile, and on hers it sounds like he got drunk and cheated on her and that was one of the reasons that they had broken up, and that was in november that it was on there. so i dont think that it was because of me cause that was in jan, unless he just told her now which i find unlikely, so it had to not be that. so that means he cheated on her with someone else too, there was comments on there about his drinking and liver disease and how he needed time to himself to fix himself, and on how it didnt mean anything to him, and about how he was stone sober then and his dad knew. so i dont know, it looks they broke up because of him cheating though, or at least it looks like that was what caused it. so that was interesting and a little weird, i wonder what happened, that isnt like him at all. at least that wasnt how he was when he was with me, i think, lord who knows.

Christmas Pictures

Gonna Harden My Heart/Merry Christmas

i am not going to blog a lot about my issues or whine a lot today, because it was christmas. the reason for the title harden my heart of this blog, is because the guy of course didnt contact me today, which deep down i thought would happen, but couldnt believe that he would be that much of an ass. well he was, cause i havent heard from it today. and that is all that i am going to say about it today, i dont want to get into it, being that it is christmas. all that i will say is that i am just happy that christmas is over, i have been cooking and baking for the past three days. i had christmas at my house, my husband was home, my kids, and my parents came over. it was a nice day, the kids had a nice time, got a lot of presents, the food was really good, and everyone else had a nice time too, which was all that mattered. and me and my husband have been getting along okay lately, which is really good, he has been nicer and more loving then usual, which is weird. i am not questioning it though, i am just going with it, and hope it doesnt end. he has even been talking about what he is getting me for my birthday which is this friday. i have no major plans for my birthday, other then probably napping, and maybe doing a little clothes shopping by myself. my parents are going to watch my daughter as usual and my son special for me (cause he has no school that day too), i would have had to work but i had the day off work for my birthday because i had requested it. everyone that i know, friends family etc, has to work that day, so there is nothing i can do with anyone. and my present to myself for my birthday is to have some time to myself, with no kids, so that means that my parents would have to watch them, so i cant go out with them and have no kids. so i am choosing no kids, my mom said that she was going to have a little something for me when i got there at like 4:30pm to pick them up though, like dinner and a cake which is nice for her to do. if she didnt do that i wouldnt really have a birthday celebration. so that should be nice. i am to tired right now, or i would post some pictures from today, i will try to post them tomorrow.

Christmas Eve

well, i did go out last night with the girls, i went out with the one that is about my age, and the other one that made the comment about the way that i was going to dress and the miniskirt that i said something about. surprise, surprise, i found out last night that she is exactly my mothers age so maybe that is why she made that comment. but anyway, we had a really nice time, the three of us went out for dinner first, and were talking there for a while, and having fun, then the older one went home, and the one that is about my age (who i had picked up at her house) went with me to a billiards place (where i had one guy watching my butt the whole time that i was walking near him, and another guy that was trying to talk to me, but i really just wasnt interested so basically ignored him---which was a good feeling though, i felt like at least some guys find me attractive anyway, and they werent bad looking either) and we were shooting pool and talking there for at least 2 hours. and we had a lot of fun, which was nice, we get along well. we were talking on the way to her house, and making plans to do it again, we were talking about in 2 weeks on a sat night again because that would be right after we got paid again. i didnt realize though that would be the day after i would have had that procedure/test done, so i dont know about that yet. i didnt remember before, i do want to do it though so hopefully i wont be feeling that bad. then on that sunday i have a birthday party that i am supposed to be going to for one of my old friends daughter. so i dont know about that either. i hope that i am feeling okay, and that it doesnt make me not want to go anywhere because of how i would feel. making homemade candy yesterday, which took me so long, it actually took me like three and a half hours but it came out so good, i did it in six different flavors and colors. so that was nice. then today i spent about 6 hours making homemade cookies and snack bars, total i made six different kinds, so that was basically my whole day. and now i am taking a break from wrapping the tons of presents that i had bought for everyone, ok, not really everyone, just mostly the kids. so i am taking a break from it now, and my husband took over now. let him to do some, that is good. being that he didnt do any of the shopping that i did, let him take a turn. the guy is really upsetting me. i shouldnt even say that he is upsetting me, he is just making me more and more to the point of writing him and wanting to be done with him. because not only did he not contact me on friday like he said that he would, but he didnt contact me yesterday or today either. if he doesnt contact me tomorrow for christmas, then i am really going to want to be done with him and be trying to write him off in my mind. because that would be horrible if he didnt. the feeling that i am getting though is that he wants to be done with me and just doesnt want to say it, because what other explanation could there be for this and the way that he is acting, or his basic ignoring of me, and not contacting me. if he really missed me like he had said, i would think that he would try to find some way to contact me. lets see what happens tomorrow, because if he doesnt contact me in someway tomorrow, that is like the worst thing that i can think that he would do right now, to me that is him definetly trying to tell me something. my husband has been nicer and nicer to me lately, something that is making me more and more weirded out about it too, because it is very much unlike him. but at least it is nice for the holiday, for him not to have a major attitude or be grumpy. i have been thinking about it more and more lately, and at least for right now, being with him isnt that bad at the moment. he actually jumped on me last night when i got home from being out, which was weird, started it, initiated it, finished it. you get the picture, weird. that is so unlike him, and then when i was going out i asked him how i looked, and he said good, too good. i was like wow, that is so unlike him to give me a compliment. so anyway, at least being with him at the moment isnt that bad. and stupid as this may seem or be, i have actually been giving serious consideration that if i can and am given an okay, or am okay enough too, i am thinking when i get the results back of having a baby with him. that is of course if there is nothing going on with this guy, which at the rate that it is going, it doesnt seem like there will be. it is something i am thinking of, i guess because i so desperatly want another baby, and with all of this going i am scared that i may not be able to have one. so its like i hear that supposed biological clock ticking in my head. and it is telling me that i really need to hurry up. but i really dont know what is going to go on with this testing and everything, so i guess that i will have to wait and see.

Men Really Annoy Me

well this is going to be a very brief post, just wanted to say why men really annoy me. my husband hasnt been that bad lately, has been having really bad mood swings though, dont know if it is because he is tired or because of something else, but one minute he is nice to you then the next minute he snaps ur head off, and then the next minute he apologizes to you for yelling at you. so i dont know, he has been acting weird. i think that either he is really tired from working the two jobs or he is into something that he shouldnt be. i really hope that it is just that he is really tired. then the other man that is bothering me is the guy. i finally got aggravated enough that i texted him and said long time no hear do you have something that you want to tell me, and he said sorry i have had a crazy week, so i said okay just wanted to see if you had something to tell me, and he said no, just i miss you. and i said okay i miss you too, and he said i'll talk to you tonight and i said okay. which would have been great, except for the fact that it is almost 11:30pm and he still hasnt contacted me. either by calling me, texting, iming you get the picture. so that is really annoying me, because he just cant seem to keep to what he says. so i am really feeling that the i miss you crap was a pile of bullshit too, because if he did i am sure that he would have contacted me sooner, or at least tonight like he said that he would. and then tomorrow night supposedly he is going to be working, and i am supposed to be going out with the girls, so i dont know. i am just getting really frustrated and aggravated with the situation, i was really expecting when i contacted him this afternoon by texting him for him to say that it was over, he didnt have the time or whatever, but for him to say that he missed me and that he didnt have anything to say that really threw me. i wasnt expecting that. how much could he possibly miss me though? really. anyway, lets see what happens with this now, i dont want to be the first one to contact him again, because he said that he was going to contact me and didnt tonight. so i am really just getting fed up with this. i had an okay day at work, it wasnt that busy which was good, because every one had other things on their mind then calling us i suppose. which was nice for me. what upset everyone there was because they let basically everyone in the whole company go except us, we had to stay until our scheduled times which stunk. but after a certain point no one really did any work though, so that was okay i guess. so i picked up the kids as usual after work, and went to walmart and did some major shopping for groceries and other things. the end result was that we were there 2 hours, i had 2 shopping carts full and spent about 200. at least my husband was nice enough to let me use the 150 shopping card that his mom gave us, and there was another 37 dollars that was from my daughters father, so i only ended up spending 13.00 of my own money, but i am not done yet, i still have to go to publix at 2 more times before christmas day. i am doing a lot of baking, am hopefully making 6 types of cookies, cooking, and am going to try to make hard candy. this will be the first time that i have ever made candy before, so i dont know how it is going to turn out but it is worth a try. someone at my job made some for me, and it was so good, that is why i want to make it now too. as it stands now i am still supposed to be going out tomorrow night, with 2 of the girls that i work with, which i am mostly excited about, but one of them said something to me that upset me today, i made a comment about not knowing what i was going to wear that i was going to wear a miniskirt but that i wouldnt be able to bend over in it, but instead of just laughing or something she said something like oh you better now wear that, and something about being seen with her, and that if she wanted something like that she could have her daughter come too, and her daughter would definetly out dress me. so that comment bugged me, and i got offended by it, i mean obviously if her and my other friend are going to be dressing casually and not in something short or anything like that then i would dress more conservatively, but it was just the way that she said it, that i was going to be dressed like a slut or something like that, and then she also made a comment about not needing to dress to get a man because i already have one (meaning my husband) and she said well you are still married to him after all. her high and mighty attitude was really getting on my last nerves today. so i am going to probably call up the other girl and see how she is going to be dressed so that i can sort of match my way of dressing to her so i dont look odd but other then that i am going to dress the way that i want, and if she doesnt like she can kiss my ... .....you get the picture.

Just Weird/The Cruise

well my husband made me incredibly mad when i woke up in the morning yesterday and got into my car because i realized that he had driven my car, now for most people this wouldnt be that big of a deal for their husband to drive their cars, but my husband doesnt have a liscense, and also didnt even tell me that he is taking my car. because that is what it is, is my car, i wasnt with him when i got it, and i make the payments on it every month, therefore it is my car. so that made me mad, i knew that he had driven it because i noticed that things were different and out of place from the way that i always leave it, and also i noticed that my gas gauge was lower than usual. then when i started yelling at him for taking my car, he started it off my lying to me and saying that he didnt take it, then he finally admitted that he had taken it just to go for a ride. so of course the first thing that is going through my mind is that he used it to see a bimbo, which he of course again claimed that it wasnt true. so that was that, in the end he got mad at me that i was making such a big deal out of him driving my car, umm hello, of course i am going to. he didnt even tell me that he was going to take it, and then he tried to lie about it. so finally he started getting so mad at me that i just let it go and dropped the subject. he of course said that he wasnt going to take my car again, yeah right, whatever i believe that one. so when i got off work we went to kmart like we had said that we were going to, to do some shopping for our kids, his sisters kids, and his dads step kids, which was nice. and then when we were getting ready to leave, he said to me if i needed anything like 3 times, so i said no dont worry about it, and he was like come on come on i will get you something. so i said okay and found a pair of jeans and he bought them without me even trying them on. and amazingly enough they fit awesome i actually wore them today, and have them on in the pictures that are on here on this post. and then he said that i could get a shirt to, but i couldnt find a nice one so he said that he would buy me one in the next place that we went to or when i saw one that he would give me the money for it. i was shocked, because this is so unlike him. he always worries about himself and never spends money on others. and then he paid the bill at kmart with everything which was 160.00 and then bought us dinner too to take home and eat, so that was amazing. and then if that wasnt amazing and weird enough, when we went to bed last night, he was laying down like dead and was falling asleep so i said to him joking (which i do this a lot and never get a response from him, like i said it had been like 2 months) aww, guess ur not going to give me some tonight, huh. and he actually pounced on me, and we did. and it was really freaking good, i am talking that i didnt have to work for my big "o" i had it in like 4 minutes, literally. which is even more amazing because have had to work for it (especially on that sat night, even though it was good, it took me a reallllyyyy long time, and it takes me a while, this was incredible how quickly i got it. so anyway, that was another really weird thing, because i made that comment and he literally pounced on me, i dont know maybe i shouldnt be suspicious thinking that something is up all the time, maybe there isnt anything going on. it is just weird how different then usual he is acting. well lets see how he keeps acting, when he gets off work on saturday we had made plans to go to walmart and get a few things for him, and also to look for a shirt for me (all of this he would be paying for) he gave me 60.00 to hold for this last night, but now that his mom gave us a gift card for walmart, i will bet that he will want that cash back and use the gift card. he also (without a fight at all, which is very strange) gave me 50.00 for groceries last night, and 350.00 for the rent to hold for him, without any argument, i am telling you it is like a alien took over his body. not that i am complaining about it but still.

big surprise havent heard anything from the guy still, last time was friday night, i am sticking by my vow to myself that i am not going to contact him, let him contact me then i will start talking to him or whatever way that he contacts me i will respond, but i am not going to be the one to make the first contact again, today would make the fourth day that he hasnt contacted me and that is getting pretty bad now. it is getting to the point that i am so annoyed with the whole situation that if he lets too much time go by i might just tell him when he does contact me that i dont want any part of him. but probably not though, because if he wants to end it i want him to be the one to do that, that way i can tell him that i think that he is being really stupid and also that i wont take him back again, because that is true. if he breaks up with me again, i will be done. if he really wanted to be with me, i am sure that he could figure out a way. it will still upset me if he does break up with me, but with so many days so far that he hasnt made any contact with me at all, that is the direction that i am seeing that this is in right now. unless i am seeing it wrong, but honestly there are so many different ways that he could contact me just to say hi (cell phone, text, instant message, and email) and hes not so what does that mean? to me it seems like he is phasing me out, unless i am wrong. i dont know. i am upset about it, but i refuse to contact him, let him do his thing, whatever that is.

well on another note, i went on a sort of cruise today with my job, on a yacht. it was really nice, we left work at about 10:30am and got back to work at 3:30pm and they told us that we could go home, which was really nice to, because that gave us an hour and a half that we had gotten off work early. it was nice on the boat they took us on the intercoastal, it was open bar on the yacht, we had appetizers, then we had a nice sit down lunch, and dessert. and we took a chartered bus there and back. and i got to spend time with my friends from work who i sit with and eat lunch with everyday, those are the girls that i would say that i am closest too at work. so that was nice. me and 2 of the other girls (or at least one of them, the one that i am the most closest too) are supposed to be going out this saturday night, we arent 100 percent sure of what we are doing yet, but so far it sounds like a nice dinner, and then a bar for a few drinks and games of pool or something like that. which sounds nice, it doesnt even matter to me right now what we are doing, it just sounds good to get out and hang out with the girls and have a girls night out. i had a few issues today with my problem that i gave in to a few days ago, my daughters father noticed and instead of being concerned he acted very angry and was screaming which definetly doesnt help that type of situation, and then also one of the supervisors of another dept noticed and when i gave her my excuse she didnt believe me, and said like uhhuh okay, so i just hope that she doesnt say anything to anyone because i dont want anyone bothering me about it, that wouldnt be good. i just want to be left alone about it and handle it my own way. it isnt something that i am happy about, but it is something that i deal with and am trying to get a grip on my own. anyway here are some pictures from today:

A Short Blog On How Men Suck

this isnt going to be a long blog because i really dont have that much to say. my husband noticed that i had been in his phone and was upset with me about it. so i basically accused him of cheating on me and he claimed that he wasnt that was just a his friends girlfriend who was calling him to help his friend out, or something like that. i dont really believe him, i mean i guess it is an excuse and could be likely, but i really dont know, we havent had sex in like 2 months now, and his money disappears what else should i think. so basically that was that, he was claiming that i was crazy for even thinking that, and he was mad at me for looking at my phone. then my son later on at night, had to say something to my husband about my boo-boos and then he got all mad at me again, like it was really something that i could control, and not something that i cant. and he was saying that he was going to drag me to the therapist, he didnt want to be with someone who did this, blah blah, all threats, not anything that he would act on, because he doesnt care enough to. which is fine, cause i will deal with it on my own. just like i always have, he just doesnt understand it, and never will. which he also admits that he doesnt understand it. as for the baby thing with my husband, maybe it is just insanity but if i get an okay bill of health after this test is done that i can do that, and if the thing with the guy doesnt work out (see below) i am seriously considering doing it with my husband. honestly he will be a sperm donor and that will be how i will view it, because i dont expect him to really do anything for the baby, or take care of the baby financially just like he didnt take care of my son when we were seperated. i dont know it is just a weird thing, it is like i hear my biological clock ticking in my head, and i am thinking that i should have a baby while i still can. cause i am thinking that in the future i wont be able to. i do think that it is a dumb idea to have a baby with my husband, i dont know. it is probably insanity talking and i will kick myself in the butt soon for even thinking about it. and then i would have to actually have sex with his cheating self. at least i think he is anyway he is still denying it. like i said it is probably me just being insane.

then of course the guy hasnt contacted me since friday night which honestly doesnt even surprise me at all, i wasnt really expecting him to do it even though he said that he would. i am going to let him have his time, work, do whatever he wants to do, and i am not going to bring anything up, if he is the one that chooses to end this, and that is what he wants to do, that will be entirely his decision i am not going to bring it up. let him do his thing. and like i had said before the only thing that i will do is say that i think it is a mistake because of we get along and also that i will not take him back again. and that will be it, no begging or pleading cause i will never do that for a guy. i am going to let him contact me next, i am not going to contact him, let him start contacting me again, i am not going to chase him. so lets see how much time he is going to let go by, so far it has been 2 days.

Is He Cheating?

i am wondering now if my husband is cheating on me, and it isnt the fact of him having sex or being with someone else other then me that really bothers me, it is the idea that he must be spending his money on this person rather then spending it on me. because he has gone through over 200 dollars in the past 2 weeks, on basically nothing, except cigarettes and beer, which definetly doesnt cost that much. so that would mean that he is spending all his money on this women, which aggravates me, because he is always trying to get money out of me, and he doesnt give me and of his money or spend any on me. of course i cant be judgemental about the whole cheating and him thing, because of what i have done of course, it is just the money thing that bothers me, and also the fact that it is how he treats me, and is with me that has driven me to do what i do/did. and that there shouldnt be anything that i have done to drive him to it. now here is the reason that i am suspicious, i have of course been suspicious lately because of the money disappearing, but tonight he was home, went to bed to sleep at like 7pm, and i saw his phone sitting on the counter recently, and picked it up, it had 3 voice mail messages and one text. and the text said call me, and the three messages said what you dont return calls, then another one was like call me i am leaving work at this time, then the other one said something like call me so we can work something out. so i honestly dont know what to make of those, it is a female of course, who he obviously most know well because she didnt leave her name in any of the messages. so i honestly dont know that is the only angle that i can come up with for this. because it was a female and she wanted to get a hold of him really bad. i am not going to say anything to him, if he notices that the messages were lisitened to on his phone, and says something to me then i will probably say something, but other then that i am not even going to go there. because i guess that i really shouldnt be the first one to throw the stone either, it is just a little upsetting to me that is all. especially being that he is using all his money on this bimbo. i am sure that is what it has to be. what else could it be?

my kids drove me nuts today, didnt listen to anything that i said, were horrible, hyper, absoluetly incredible, they were getting on my last nerve, and i swear i was really ready to flip out. luckily when i got home (we went to kmart shopping, took them to mcdonalds for lunch, met my parents, and let them play, and also went to borders shopping) my husband was home, and i told him to basically start handling them, because i couldnt. so at least he took over for a little while and did that, that is until he went to sleep at 7pm, i am so glad that i was home tonight, for all that he whined at times the past couple of saturday nights that i went out, he sleeps on this one and doesnt even pay attention to me, go figure.

havent heard from the guy at all today, that is what i had figured that would happen though, it doesnt really surprise me anymore, i have been resigning myself to the fact that this will be happening lately, and that is that. if he really wanted for this to happen, he could make it happen, but the problem is that it isnt even his schedule or my schedule like he had said it was before, it is the fact that he had lost his place, and doesnt really have anywhere that we can just go and relax like we used to before. and that he doesnt have any money for us to go out all the time. at least that is what he said after he said about the schedule thing, so i think that is his really reason, and not the schedule thing, that could be worked around if he really wanted to. well, like i said before if that is his decision that is it, and their will be nothing that i can/ or will do about it. the only thing that i will do is let him know that the way that we get along that is an incredibly stupid decision and that once he does it, that is it, i will not come back to him again. i have a guy or two that has been after me on the internet, with i'm ing, trying to talk to me and everything, but honestly i am not really interested, if it doesnt work out with this guy, then i am seriously considering being completely with my husband and having a baby with him, not because i am happy with him at all, but if all this turns out okay for the moment with my health, i want to have another baby while i can, and then that will be it. it is probably a stupid idea, and it might not even happy now though with this whole cheating thing, cause i am not going to do him with him doing someone else that is for sure. i havent had sex with him in months, not since i got back with the guy anyway, cause that is one thing i wont do is screw more then one guy during the same time period, that is just wrong. i dont know, the more i think about the baby idea with my husband is a dumb idea, cause i am sure that we will end up splitting and then i will be left with 3 kids to take care of by myself, but i as long as i am able to have another baby, i want to before that option is taken away from me, and as long as my health checks out and this guy dumps like it is looking like will happen, then that option will be available. i dont know, right now i am a big jumbled emotional depressed anxious stressed out person. who wants really just to curl up in a ball, and not have to think or worry about anything.

Confusion And Starting To Resign Myself

i have resigned myself to the fact that it just seems like i am not going to feel better any time soon. i just feel so crappy lately, and i just cant seem to feel better. i was getting so upset and frustrated at work today, because i felt so bad that i started to cry, luckily not obviously so that people could see me, but a little bit til i got a grip on myself. health wise i felt so bad this morning and early afternoon that it was so upsetting, it seems like whatever this is it just wont leave me alone. even with all the darn medicine that the doctor gave me to take. which is horrible that even all that wont help. then i went to my sons school tonight and hurt my darn finger/nail and that hurts, and was bleeding. not that i really mind the pain, cause pain like that doesnt really bother me, it just aggravates me that it looks stupid, hopefully i can go fix it on wednesday night, and that works out okay, and they can even fix it, cause i dont know with the way that i broke it and hurt myself and everything. i just dont want to look dumb for christmas but then again to a point, i dont really care as much about the way that i look. i just dont really seem to care as much about anything anymore. one of my old on again off again sort of friends, you know the ones that you hear from for special occasions of like every 6 months or so, has been calling me for the past week on and off to try to get me to go to her baby shower this weekend, on sunday, and normally that would be something that i would be really happy and excited about going to, but instead i dont want to go and am not going to go. because not only is it about 45 minutes or more away, and i would have to bring the kids by myself there, but i also just dont want to go and deal with it, i dont want to be around happy people who are all excited about babies and how great everything is going for them, because right now i am just miserable with everything that is going on. i just feel most of the time like just curling in a ball and staying there. and doing that doesnt take away the urge for very long, because it is back already. to a point though i just dont care about anything anymore, i know that i have put in a few pounds in a couple of months, and that i dont take care of myself as well as i did before, or take much pride in what i wear or the things that i do, but i just dont care anymore. i really dont. this thing with the guy was helping me before, and i guess giving me something else to focus on and the attention and affection that he gave me started making me care about things again, but not anymore, i guess that i have resigned myself to the fact that i dont know if we are going to still be together, or last, or how much that we will last. if he really wants us to be together and stay like we were, we could but i guess that he needs to figure that out for himself. he texted me earlier today, this afternoon really, and said that he was going to have to do the family thing today, and that he would try to talk to me when he got back, so i was online, and he was online and we i'med for maybe 30-45 minutes, it wasnt much of a conversation of anything that interesting, he is working at night this weekend, which we knew already, and is supposed to be talking to the guy about the weekend job tomorrow. so lets see how that goes, i guess, he doesnt seem that confident about it though. i jokingly asked if he missed me and he said that he missed me all day. then we were talking about saturday and how awesome that it was for both of us, we did that for a good part of the conversation, one of the comments that he made was that sex with me was beyond amazing and that being with me was great, and i basically said the same thing back. so finally all this talk prompted me to say i think that we would be really stupid to end this, and then i also added sorry just being honest, and then he said yeah i agree, and then he ended the conversation by saying that his brother needed to use the computer, and that he would try to talk to me at some point tomorrow, so i said okay, and then he said love ya baby (just like he has been lately) and i said love u too, and that was it. i meant what i said, i think the way that we get along sexually and personality wise that it would be dumb for this to be ended. and i am sure that he would be the one to end it. but i have said it before and i will say it again, i will never beg a man to stay with me or not leave me, if that is what they want to do fine, so if that is what he decided to do, then there would be nothing that i can do to change that. and i am trying to resign myself to the fact that it could very well happen easily. because that is the direction that i have thought that this was headed in for a while. so lets see what happens, if he does end it though, i meant it that would be really dumb i think, and i am sure that he would regret it just like he did last time.

My Sons Holiday Party

Here are a few pictures from his holiday party at his school, it was okay, it would have been nicer if it wasnt so small inside, and if there werent so many kids and people crammed into such a small place. translation: i am very claustrophobic. but it was nice, and the kids enjoyed themselves, my son mostly enjoyed himself, my daughter whined a little because she usually has to try to be the center of attention, and she wasnt. but anyway, it was okay, the kids had a little bit to eat and some cookies, and my son sang a song with a couple of the other kids in his class, which was cute. i broke my nail on the way out the door, clean off my finger, and took some of my skin and real nail under it, so that hurts like hell right now, was bleeding before, and now it looks dumb with long manicured nails on every other finger, and on that one the only thing that is on there is a bandaid, it looks horrible. but enough about my nail right now, here are some pictures of today, some are of the kids before we left, and then the others are at my sons school with my son singing:

The Guy Confusion Update

the guy is really confusing me, probably because as he admitted he is confused himself. he didnt text me yesterday or im me yesterday like he said that he would. he did i'm me tonight for a little while and it was a very strange/interesting/weird conversation. i asked him if he was doing the family thing tomorrow like he was saying that he might and he said that he didnt know but that it looked that way. then he said that he might have something different for the weekends working less time, like only during the day and making more money. so i said that was good, but then he said dont count on it that he wasnt getting his hopes up. so then i said well i guess we are back to that sucks then and he said yeah. he said that he would like it to work but that he has to work first and see whatever time that he can make and see if that works for us. i said that i sensed that he was pulling away and he said that it wasnt that but that we just couldnt hang out late like we did before, so i said that really had nothing to do with our schedules, and he said that he knew, and that he was confused about a few things, said that we could talk about them later, when i asked, and that he didnt feel like going there tonight, so i said just dont play with me and he said that he wasnt. and i said that him being confused confused me, and he said not to think into it too much. that was about it really, i basically got nothing else out of him. other then what i just said, the only other thing was that he agreed that saturday night was good, and that he was still recovering from that, and no sex this weekend (does that mean he plans on seeing me this weekend?, i have no clue) because i have me thing (which means that i am not pregnant) so then i said that i was looking forward to helping him, and he said like no, if you have your thing i am okay, and that was basically that. he ended it by saying that he had do some laundry (which he had said earlier) and that he might be on later, and that was that. i dont know, i wish that he would just say what is on his mind. i have decided one thing, if and when this thing ends with him, i am done with guys for a while, i might give my husband a chance to redeem himself, but that is about it, other then him i am done with all other men. and if i get through this thing with the cancer scare and dont have to have that big procedure/surgery done, and i of course am with my husband and no one else, and have no interest in anyone else, (so basically if this thing with the guy ends) i am going to consider and possibly try if i decide to, have a baby again with my husband. not because i want one with him, but i am realizing because of this that life is short and time is limited, and i really would want another baby if i get through this stage okay. and not that i really love my husband like at all, but at least i know that he makes beautiful babies, and also not that i think that i will keep being with him, but he is better then finding some random guy at least. well, that is it for tonight. i feel more relieved tonight, a little bit guilty because of that has been done, but more relieved, i just hope that the urge takes a while to return, the depression hasnt really lifted though.

The Christmas Performance

my daughters christmas performance was very nice, she did a really good job, she was of course with at least 50 other kids from her same grade level, but they were all good too. she looked really cute up there, and she was so happy that we were all there to see her. me, her father, and my parents were all there to see her, and that really made her happy. because not many other kids had that many people, or any people there to see them. here are a few pictures of her today:

My Attitude

my attitude, being frustrated and upset and depressed about everything, has of course lasted through yesterday and into today. things havent gotten better, i am not feeling better. last night i felt so bad that it took me about a half hour to fall asleep and then i woke up late because i had felt so bad that i forgot to set the alarm, which wasnt a major thing because at least i wasnt late to work (i just didnt get my overtime) and my daughter was late to school by 5 minutes. so at least it wasnt that big of a deal that i was late to work. i felt pretty yucky all day at work though, i was blowing my nose and sneezing all over the place. i have been thinking about whats going with this guy, and even though it incredibly saddens and depresses me it isnt like i couldnt say that i didnt see it coming, because i did. i always had the feeling that it wouldnt last and that our time was limited together, it was just a matter of when that is all. it really upsets me though because no matter how much i was trying not to get attached, i was and am. even though i was trying really hard not to be. so it is going to be very upsetting when it is officially over, which i know isnt a definite thing now, but i am just expecting it to happen due to everything that has been going on with him and the jobs and his schedule. health wise i am still doing about the same unfortunately, which is even more upsetting and depressing to me because it just seems like i am never well.

And The Other Shoes Drop

not even one shoe, shoes. more then one shoe. the shoes are that of course, HE hasnt responded to my email. that isnt really one of the shoes though because i wasnt really expecting him too, that was more of a last ditch effort and now i am done. i am going to get him out of my freaking mind and that is that, i was just curious to see what was going on, because that was something new that i had saw, but that is that now. the big shoe right now is that ever since saturday night, my contact with the guy has been limited. ever since he left in the morning at like 3am, he hadnt contacted me. when i logged in tonight to my instant messenger there was a message from him that was there at about 10:40pm and said that he had just gotten back from softball and that he would look for me online today. so today i went online and at about 9:02pm he was there, and we have been talking, and he said that he wasnt working friday night, but that he might have to do the family thing. and that he wasnt sure yet about that. so i said well why dont you let me know when your schedule gives you some time. and the answer was that it was going to be really busy with him working on weekend nights but that he couldnt afford not to , and that he really didnt see an end in sight. so i said with your schedule and everything what does that mean, and the answer that i got was let me see how it goes for a week or so. basically the end of the conversation was that he said that we'll give it a week or so, and i guess see what happens with the scheduling and everything, but that we wouldnt let it drag on if it looked like we would never get to see each other, so i agreed that there wouldnt be any point in that, and he said that he was hoping that it didnt get to that, and i said that i hoped not too, and that was really it. he said that he was tired and was going to go, and that if his team didnt win something, that he might be on tomorrow at 10pm, and that if not he would text me tomorrow. and that was that. honestly. i saw this coming, once he was saying that he had the second job and that he would be working at night on the weekends, it was just a matter of when it would happen. i am pretty sure (it could just be me being negative though, who knows) that this will be it for me and him. i shouldnt have even spent that damn 71.00 on that night, but whatever, i guess at least it was over with a bang anyway. it was good while it lasted. it just sucks thats all. on mon and weds i am free from like 8pm on, but he has a game he plays those days. then on sat and sun nights i am free again from 8pm on but he has to work. then on the other days which are tues, thurs and fri, i cant usually get out til 10pm because no one to watch the kids, are those are usually the days that he has available. but whatever, i mean at least i would be avail those days, just not til 10pm, but that doesnt seem to be the time that he would want. i am just so upset right now nothing seems to be going right. and i swear if i am pregnant i will probably jump off the highest thing that i can find, that is how bad that would be right now. then one of the other shoes was that my asthma and lungs were so bad today that i couldnt breathe to the point that i had to ask my manager to leave work early (luckily she said okay and didnt seem upset), i had to go to the doctors and get some more medicine, she said that i seemed like i had a post nasal drip and gave me some medicine for that, she said that it and my cough might be caused by a virus that i might be fighting. so thats great, i am back to feeling even more crappier then before again, not only mentally but physically too. and the great thing of course is that the crappier that i feel physically, it just makes me get more and more upset mentally. so that is great. i am running out of money for christmas, had to already start dipping into the savings, almost have nothing left in there already, and i am not close to done yet. and then my stupid husband had to tell his mother about my issues last night with the cancer and everything, and she asked to talk to me, she had went through something similar to it, and was trying to give me some suggestions. but what got me upset and had me very close to crying at the end is that she told me at several times that if i needed anything to call her and also that even if i just wanted to talk about it just to call her and that she would like to talk to me about it. right now i just at the point so desperately that i just want to be done with this whole life, this experience, i just want to be done. i am tired of dealing with all the crap, everyone always says that you have to get through the crap to get through the good stuff, but i cant honestly remember that much good stuff since oct of last year. im still waiting for it. i am just so discouraged with everything right now, it just sucks. i dont even want to talk about it anymore.

The First Cut

how i long to make that first cut,
to feel that relief that i so long for,
the urge is so strong.
to feel the cold metal on my skin,
would calm the urge that i feel,
and make it go away.
the only thing problem is that it would only be temporary,
because the depression will probably still be there,
and the urge will return.
and the guilt would be there after,
due to knowing that it isnt a good thing,
but it is so hard to resist.
i want to feel the pain,
and see the red that follows,
and have the sense of relief wash over me.
to just be able to forget about my problems,
for that brief moment in time,
would be wonderful.
the pain would be such a welcome distraction,
and satisfy the urge that i feel so strongly.

You Cant Always Get What You Want

and then the next line to that of course is "if you try sometime, you just might find, you get what you need." but do you really get what you need? i dont know. do you really get what you need. or do you just have to deal with what you get and make due with it, because that is all that you are going to be able to get? i dont know. i had a nice night with the guy last night, i suppose, it had its ups and it downs. overall if my mood was better i probably would have really completely enjoyed it, but there was some things that were bringing me down. for example, the fact that this new job that he got he had to take a pay cut of like a thousand dollars a month, and with the two jobs is going to make enough to pay the bills that he has now living with his parents and have a tiny bit left over. and he said that getting on his own again, or even with a roommate was going to be in the very distant future because he just cant afford it, with the amount of money that he told me that he was going to be making right now that sounds about right. he said at least another year, which i was just like oh okay. and didnt say anything else, because we all remember the reason that i started keeping my options open about finding a guy that i could have a good relationship with and eventually move in with, but i dont think that i was thinking that it would take that long. i dont know. it was different when he had his own place, now it is just a pain in the butt most of the time. cause we cant really be alone if you know what i mean. i mean we figure out ways but i dont know it just isnt the same. maybe if i hadnt seen how it was before, then i wouldnt miss it as much now, i dont know. last night was good, i had rented a hotel room, and paid for it, 71 dollars, and we went at it like 5 times i think was the end number, it was good, loving at times, rough others, so it was really good to me cause that is how i like it. and in the month that it has been since we hooked back up, i finally had what i hadnt been able to have. which was great. i was like thank you god. so that part was good. we were talking and he said that probably right now fri nights would be good for us to see each other with his work schedule and everything so i guess that we will see how that goes. then i asked him if i couldnt have sex for like 2-6 weeks how that would be, and he said that it wouldnt be a big deal, that isnt all that he is about with me, and he asked if i had to have surgery i said maybe something like that, and he said okay, and that was that. he also said that he would contact me today which he hasnt. he also couldnt sleep in the room, supposedly couldnt fall asleep, and left at about 3:00am, he did ask me like three times if it was okay, and i said yes, what was i going to say. so i stayed and finally fell asleep at about 3:30am ,got back up at 6am left came home, got back up at 8:40am gave the kids breakfast and fell back asleep and slept til noon. so at least i got some rest. he had said when he was leaving that he would contact me at some time today, which he of course hasnt yet. i suppose that i should be used to him doing that by now. i am just getting more and more unhappy with myself and the situations that i have right now. i am getting depressed about everything. i had hooked up with him in the beginning because i was looking for a way out of my situation, it doesnt look like this is a way out of my situation at all. i mean i do like him, a lot, i am falling for him most likely, but i am trying not to let myself do that. cause i really dont want to end up getting hurt, and i just dont see if this has a future. if it does i just cant see it. i guess when i made that comment yesterday about the sex, i was thinking that was going to push him away, and i was thinking let him be pushed away now if he is going to be, that is less attachment i would have, only i dont think that it did push him away. unless he thought about it, and it is affecting him now, who knows.

my husband, who has been not bothering me or wanting sex for the past probably month a half, was bugging me for sex today, and i was of course no i dont think so. now you freaking want it nice try. its just weird though, and now he is thinking that something is wrong, cause i never used to turn down sex. even if i wasnt with the guy right now, i still probably would have turned him down, because it just pisses me off how it it has to be on his terms.

i broke down and sent an email to him this morning, didnt say that much just said hi, and that if he didnt want to respond to the email that he didnt have to, but that i hadnt heard from him in a while and was wondering if he was okay. and also that i had changed my number and that wasnt a working number anymore if he had tried to call me. he hasnt responded yet, and who knows he might not, but i just wanted to send it, i dont really know what the major reason was. maybe being that it said single i wanted to see if he was miserable i dont know. i probably miss him a little bit, i never really have gotten over him i suppose.

cold metal on my skin,
how i long for you to go through my flesh,
and let me see my blood flow,
just a few cuts is all it would take,
to get this urge out of my system.
no major damage would be done,
just enough to take the pain away,
and replace it with a different pain.
a pain that depending on the mood that i am in,
feels really good.
how i long to feel that metal on my skin,
can i keep fighting this urge?
and if i can for how long,
i know that given my mood now,
it will only be a matter of time before i give in.
and then it will be done,
and the urge will be gone and i will relieved.
the only thing left that i will feel is guilt,
for doing something to myself that i know isnt good,
but feels like it is something that i need.

(this is a poem that i just wrote, and describes perfectly how i am feeling right now)

Scenes From The Mall

i took the kids to the mall near my house today, where santa read them a story while they had milk and cookies, sang songs with them, and gave them a new book for the used books that they brought in. so it was very nice, the kids had a lot of fun. the mall was decorated so beautifully it was amazing, it was almost enough to get me in the christmas spirit, at least for the moment while i was there anyway. here are some pictures from today: