Once upon time I was falling in love, now I'm only falling apart, there's nothing I can do, total eclipse of the heart."

"Once upon time there was light in my life, now there's only love in the dark"
from "Total Eclipse Of The Heart" sung by Meatloaf and Bonnie Raitt

my husband was treating me very nice on saturday so i was really happy about that, he went grocery shopping with me, cooked me dinner, we watched a movie together, and we even went for a walk to the store with the kids, and i was cold and he actually volunteered and gave me his jacket. so that i could be warm, and he was very loving and nice to me. so that was nice, we had a really nice night. but then this morning, he was acting like a real pain in the butt. he started out nice this morning, even let me sleep in and watched the kids while i did that. but then when i woke up he started yelling at me, and was getting really cranky. we started to snip at each other, and were yelling at each other. so finally i got him to be quiet and i said that i loved him, and didnt want to fight, and we both just let it go. so that was that, but still i cant take it when he starts being like that with me, he is just looking for a reason to argue with me. and now that he knows that i am getting some money back from my taxes (i am not stupid enough to tell him how much that it is , but he has an estimate in his head of how much it is)his latest thing is that he keeps saying that if he cant pay the rent this month or next month that i can just help him out, so i keep telling him that the money is just for emergencies, but then he keeps saying that isnt paying the rent important, and i say yes it is but you are working a full time job why cant you pay it. you make enough money too, and that was what we agreed upon. so he always has some kind of comment to say about that. i dont know what i am going to do if it comes down to that, i really hope that it doesnt. but the thing is that i would have 2 choices i can bail him out, and he will then keep expecting me to always bail him out like he always does, or i will be without a home. with my kids, homeless like i almost was last time because of that darn hurricane. i dont know. i am sure that i would have somewhere to stay, as people have been telling me, but i just dont want to go through all of this again, i just hope that it doesnt come to this.

as for HIM, i have been talking to people about the situation, primarily my best friend, and what i have come to the conclusion is that i am going to TRY not to call him. one of the things that she said to me when i spoke with her was that calling him isnt going to solve anything, it is going to bring everything up. and maybe this whole thing with him not calling me is a good thing, like it is meant to be this way. because he is just probably going to keep hurting me, and i am going to keep allowing myself to be hurt. and even though this is hurting now, in the long run hopefully this will be good. i hope. this was what i wanted to do before anyway, i wanted to give myself sometime away from him, whether temp or permanent, and see what happened. so i guess this is that happening. it is just killing me not to pick up my phone and call him.