"Let Her Cry" sung by Hootie and the Blowfish
(i know, i know its old school, i like it though!!)
I of course havent heard from HIM, big surprise there, i was really surprised that i didnt hear from him over the weekend last weekend, considering that seems to be his favorite times to call me is on the weekends when he is drunk. enough on that subject, as you can see from the posts that i have already put about him today, i think that is enough about him for today.
on other subjects, i now have established another company that i can just see that i am going to have to start arguing with. i have completed the arguing with my cell phone company having received the cell phone and completed my end of what was said. but now it seems that i am going to have to start arguing with my car insurance company. i was stopped at a stop sign for about a minute or two waiting for an opening in traffic when all the sudden a car going at least 30 miles per hour smashes into the back of me. so okay, i did the correct thing and even though the stupid you know what who hit me was sobbing and telling me not to i called the cops. made a report called my insurance, the whole thing. so i get my car estimated by my car insurance as i am told that i am supposed to and they estimate it at like 590 and i have a 500 dollar deductible, so that means i am going to get 90 dollars to fix my car. yeah, thats going to get me really far. so i have to call them now and "discuss" this with them, becuase if someone hit me, i shouldnt have to pay my deductible, even the officer who came to the scene of the accident told me that if i had a deductible to tell me insurance to go after their insurance for it. so maybe then can do that i dont know. i have never had to deal with anything like this.
as for the husband, i suppose that we are okay. he was really nice last night and i was nice and we had a nice night. which felt really good to have. if only all nights could be like that, but anyway. him only working one job is getting to me though. he keeps whining that he doesnt have any money and that things for him are so tight, but he isnt even trying to look for a day job to replace the one that he got fired from. which is then ridiculous for him to whine about. and i also now have to hear that the rent might have to be late, because it is due tomorrow which is also the day that he gets paid from his job. so he was saying that he didnt know how he was going to be able to get it and cash it tomorrow. so i told him if he just got it and cashed it, to bring home the money for me and that i would do the rest. which means that tomorrow night, after i get out of my doc appt at 8pm i am going to have to go get money orders and then go drop the rent. which i dont mind doing all that, i am just stressing about all of that actually happening. i hate that he is so irresponsible that i have to worry about this stuff. i wish that i had a man that i said the rent is due, and about 2 days or even the day that it was due i didnt have to worry about it, i knew that it was in my hand with no problems. but i doubt if that will ever happen with him. i also dont like dropping off the rent at the office, because it is the bldg next to it that i used to live in that got destroyed and condemned in the hurricane and looking at all of that just reminds me of what i lost. so that will be more things to look forward to doing tomorrow.
Tuesday, February 28, 2006
All The Things That I Wanted To Say---Poem
I didn't have the opportunity to say everything that I wanted to say in the beginning,
then in the end when I did say it, it was too late.
Because due to your reasons, you heard what I was saying,
but didn't listen.
I wonder what would have happened if I had told you earlier?
If it would have made a difference,
or if the end result would have been the same?
I guess that is something that I will never know.
Because I even asked you that question one day,
and you said that you didn't know.
So if you didnt know the answer,
then I guess that I never will.
What I do know, is that for me,
this seems like it is unresolved.
You coming back just made it worse,
because you left again very quickly.
For you this seems completely closed,
you have a new life now that you are happy with.
I still think about what we had,
and I miss you horribly.
But you must not feel the same way,
or I wouldnt have to miss you like this,
because you would be here with me.
It seems that the only thing for me to do is let go,
because it seems like we will never be together again.
And people are telling me not to contact you anymore.
Because even though it hurts now,
they are saying that it will hurt even more in the end.
And I suppose that they are right.
So I am going to have to try to do what I did before,
block you out of my mind, and try to forget a lot of things.
It is very hard, because I always think about all the things that I wanted to say,
but didnt until it was too late.
then in the end when I did say it, it was too late.
Because due to your reasons, you heard what I was saying,
but didn't listen.
I wonder what would have happened if I had told you earlier?
If it would have made a difference,
or if the end result would have been the same?
I guess that is something that I will never know.
Because I even asked you that question one day,
and you said that you didn't know.
So if you didnt know the answer,
then I guess that I never will.
What I do know, is that for me,
this seems like it is unresolved.
You coming back just made it worse,
because you left again very quickly.
For you this seems completely closed,
you have a new life now that you are happy with.
I still think about what we had,
and I miss you horribly.
But you must not feel the same way,
or I wouldnt have to miss you like this,
because you would be here with me.
It seems that the only thing for me to do is let go,
because it seems like we will never be together again.
And people are telling me not to contact you anymore.
Because even though it hurts now,
they are saying that it will hurt even more in the end.
And I suppose that they are right.
So I am going to have to try to do what I did before,
block you out of my mind, and try to forget a lot of things.
It is very hard, because I always think about all the things that I wanted to say,
but didnt until it was too late.
No matter what, you're always in my dreams.---short poem
It seems that no matter what I do,
you're always in my dreams.
No matter how much much I try to get you out of my mind,
in my dreams you are always there.
It seems that my mind knows that I want you things to be the way that they were,
and to be with you and see you again.
So I always see you in my dreams.
What hurts is that when i wake up from these dreams,
you are no longer there.
And I am once again alone, without you,
remembering how you left me.
you're always in my dreams.
No matter how much much I try to get you out of my mind,
in my dreams you are always there.
It seems that my mind knows that I want you things to be the way that they were,
and to be with you and see you again.
So I always see you in my dreams.
What hurts is that when i wake up from these dreams,
you are no longer there.
And I am once again alone, without you,
remembering how you left me.
Top Reasons That I Am Vowing Not To Miss/Think About Him
- He was/is an alcoholic.
- He is/was very irresponsible at times.
- He has/had no goals or ambitions or plans for the future that were achievable.
- Never had any money.
- Evidentally, he didn't care for me like he claimed, cause he didn't come back and he replaced me very quickly.
- Then, came back and said he loved me and loved me, and then he left me again!
- Is addicted to computer and video games and would a lot of times ignore me or yell at me while playing them.
- Was stringing me along (apparently).
- Didnt listen to me about his alcohol issues for a year, and now he acknowledges them after he leaves me.
- He told me (when he was drunk) that he would call me back, but hasn't like said.
- HE DIDN"T COME BACK!!!!!
- He promised me that he would help me pay for my car when i got it when i was with him, and he isn't now of course. He left me with the payments.
- HE DIDN"T COME BACK!!!!
- He said that he loved me and wanted to marry me and be with me forever and that he would do anything to stay with me. EVIDENTALLY NOT!!!!
If I think of more that i havent written here, they will follow in other postings.
Monday, February 27, 2006
I'll be dreamin of you tonight......
because it seems like that this is only place that i am ever going to see you again.....
My dream last night was that i was watching a movie and in the beginning i saw HIS name in the credits, and then i saw him on the screen as an actor in it, and so i started taking pictures but the camera wouldnt work right, and i had to fix it/get another one, then i kept taking pictures of him in the movie.
....it seems that no matter how much i try to block him out of my brain when i am awake, he still stays with me when i sleep.
My dream last night was that i was watching a movie and in the beginning i saw HIS name in the credits, and then i saw him on the screen as an actor in it, and so i started taking pictures but the camera wouldnt work right, and i had to fix it/get another one, then i kept taking pictures of him in the movie.
....it seems that no matter how much i try to block him out of my brain when i am awake, he still stays with me when i sleep.
Sunday, February 26, 2006
The man in my life that really treats me good and loves me unconditionally
thats right you guessed it, it is ...... the dog. isnt he cute?
Once upon time I was falling in love, now I'm only falling apart, there's nothing I can do, total eclipse of the heart."
"Once upon time there was light in my life, now there's only love in the dark"
from "Total Eclipse Of The Heart" sung by Meatloaf and Bonnie Raitt
my husband was treating me very nice on saturday so i was really happy about that, he went grocery shopping with me, cooked me dinner, we watched a movie together, and we even went for a walk to the store with the kids, and i was cold and he actually volunteered and gave me his jacket. so that i could be warm, and he was very loving and nice to me. so that was nice, we had a really nice night. but then this morning, he was acting like a real pain in the butt. he started out nice this morning, even let me sleep in and watched the kids while i did that. but then when i woke up he started yelling at me, and was getting really cranky. we started to snip at each other, and were yelling at each other. so finally i got him to be quiet and i said that i loved him, and didnt want to fight, and we both just let it go. so that was that, but still i cant take it when he starts being like that with me, he is just looking for a reason to argue with me. and now that he knows that i am getting some money back from my taxes (i am not stupid enough to tell him how much that it is , but he has an estimate in his head of how much it is)his latest thing is that he keeps saying that if he cant pay the rent this month or next month that i can just help him out, so i keep telling him that the money is just for emergencies, but then he keeps saying that isnt paying the rent important, and i say yes it is but you are working a full time job why cant you pay it. you make enough money too, and that was what we agreed upon. so he always has some kind of comment to say about that. i dont know what i am going to do if it comes down to that, i really hope that it doesnt. but the thing is that i would have 2 choices i can bail him out, and he will then keep expecting me to always bail him out like he always does, or i will be without a home. with my kids, homeless like i almost was last time because of that darn hurricane. i dont know. i am sure that i would have somewhere to stay, as people have been telling me, but i just dont want to go through all of this again, i just hope that it doesnt come to this.
as for HIM, i have been talking to people about the situation, primarily my best friend, and what i have come to the conclusion is that i am going to TRY not to call him. one of the things that she said to me when i spoke with her was that calling him isnt going to solve anything, it is going to bring everything up. and maybe this whole thing with him not calling me is a good thing, like it is meant to be this way. because he is just probably going to keep hurting me, and i am going to keep allowing myself to be hurt. and even though this is hurting now, in the long run hopefully this will be good. i hope. this was what i wanted to do before anyway, i wanted to give myself sometime away from him, whether temp or permanent, and see what happened. so i guess this is that happening. it is just killing me not to pick up my phone and call him.
from "Total Eclipse Of The Heart" sung by Meatloaf and Bonnie Raitt
my husband was treating me very nice on saturday so i was really happy about that, he went grocery shopping with me, cooked me dinner, we watched a movie together, and we even went for a walk to the store with the kids, and i was cold and he actually volunteered and gave me his jacket. so that i could be warm, and he was very loving and nice to me. so that was nice, we had a really nice night. but then this morning, he was acting like a real pain in the butt. he started out nice this morning, even let me sleep in and watched the kids while i did that. but then when i woke up he started yelling at me, and was getting really cranky. we started to snip at each other, and were yelling at each other. so finally i got him to be quiet and i said that i loved him, and didnt want to fight, and we both just let it go. so that was that, but still i cant take it when he starts being like that with me, he is just looking for a reason to argue with me. and now that he knows that i am getting some money back from my taxes (i am not stupid enough to tell him how much that it is , but he has an estimate in his head of how much it is)his latest thing is that he keeps saying that if he cant pay the rent this month or next month that i can just help him out, so i keep telling him that the money is just for emergencies, but then he keeps saying that isnt paying the rent important, and i say yes it is but you are working a full time job why cant you pay it. you make enough money too, and that was what we agreed upon. so he always has some kind of comment to say about that. i dont know what i am going to do if it comes down to that, i really hope that it doesnt. but the thing is that i would have 2 choices i can bail him out, and he will then keep expecting me to always bail him out like he always does, or i will be without a home. with my kids, homeless like i almost was last time because of that darn hurricane. i dont know. i am sure that i would have somewhere to stay, as people have been telling me, but i just dont want to go through all of this again, i just hope that it doesnt come to this.
as for HIM, i have been talking to people about the situation, primarily my best friend, and what i have come to the conclusion is that i am going to TRY not to call him. one of the things that she said to me when i spoke with her was that calling him isnt going to solve anything, it is going to bring everything up. and maybe this whole thing with him not calling me is a good thing, like it is meant to be this way. because he is just probably going to keep hurting me, and i am going to keep allowing myself to be hurt. and even though this is hurting now, in the long run hopefully this will be good. i hope. this was what i wanted to do before anyway, i wanted to give myself sometime away from him, whether temp or permanent, and see what happened. so i guess this is that happening. it is just killing me not to pick up my phone and call him.
Saturday, February 25, 2006
"I cant make you love me if you dont, you cant make your heart feel something it won't."
"I can't make you love me" sung by Bonnie Raitt
well guess who hasnt called me? yeah, you guessed it. HE hasnt. so far it seems that the thought of everyone that i mentioned it to was that he was so drunk that night that he didnt even remember that we had that conversation, or that i said that. and before we had that conversation the way that we had left it was that he was going to honor my request for some time away, and that i was going to call him when i was ready to talk to him. so if what they are saying is right, that would be why i havent talked to him. whatever. i really dont know what i am doing about this anymore. i am miserable because i havent talked to him, but then again when i was talking to him i was miserable everytime i hung up with him because i was reminded that i wasnt with him anymore in the new life that he had built without me, and that i wouldnt be with him again. so i guess either way i am miserable. i am so tempted to call him, i actually stare at my phone (because i now have the number) and consider calling him. but i havent yet. i dont know what i am going to do about this.
well guess who hasnt called me? yeah, you guessed it. HE hasnt. so far it seems that the thought of everyone that i mentioned it to was that he was so drunk that night that he didnt even remember that we had that conversation, or that i said that. and before we had that conversation the way that we had left it was that he was going to honor my request for some time away, and that i was going to call him when i was ready to talk to him. so if what they are saying is right, that would be why i havent talked to him. whatever. i really dont know what i am doing about this anymore. i am miserable because i havent talked to him, but then again when i was talking to him i was miserable everytime i hung up with him because i was reminded that i wasnt with him anymore in the new life that he had built without me, and that i wouldnt be with him again. so i guess either way i am miserable. i am so tempted to call him, i actually stare at my phone (because i now have the number) and consider calling him. but i havent yet. i dont know what i am going to do about this.
Thursday, February 23, 2006
Getting Over You---Poem
It has been 4 days since I have spoken with you.
If I don't speak with you today it will make 5.
This is something that I realized that had to be done.
But why is getting over you so hard.
I had told you that if you didn't call me back and give me your number,
that you would never hear from me again
because through no fault of mine I didn't have your number anymore.
You had said that you would call me the next day.
You didn't, it has now been 4.
I found your number somewhere,
so I can now call you.
But do I really want to?
It is so hard getting over you.
It hurts so bad not to talk to you,
but I am not sure what hurts worse,
not talking to you and missing you,
or when I talk to you hearing about your life without me.
Some people say that I should just end all contact with you,
and then other say that because I care about you so much
I should keep in contact with you.
But the amount that I care about you obviously isnt returned,
because if it was you would be here with me.
Instead of hurting me like this,
by telling me about how good you are doing without me.
And I am sure that you are not hurting me on purpose,
you had said before that you never meant to hurt me,
but unfortunately that is something that you did and are still doing.
So what should I do?
It seems that either way that I choose hurts and will hurt.
If I don't speak with you today it will make 5.
This is something that I realized that had to be done.
But why is getting over you so hard.
I had told you that if you didn't call me back and give me your number,
that you would never hear from me again
because through no fault of mine I didn't have your number anymore.
You had said that you would call me the next day.
You didn't, it has now been 4.
I found your number somewhere,
so I can now call you.
But do I really want to?
It is so hard getting over you.
It hurts so bad not to talk to you,
but I am not sure what hurts worse,
not talking to you and missing you,
or when I talk to you hearing about your life without me.
Some people say that I should just end all contact with you,
and then other say that because I care about you so much
I should keep in contact with you.
But the amount that I care about you obviously isnt returned,
because if it was you would be here with me.
Instead of hurting me like this,
by telling me about how good you are doing without me.
And I am sure that you are not hurting me on purpose,
you had said before that you never meant to hurt me,
but unfortunately that is something that you did and are still doing.
So what should I do?
It seems that either way that I choose hurts and will hurt.
"There's a secrets in the life that I can't hide, somewhere in the darkness there's a light that I cant find"
"When I'm Gone" sung by 3 Doors Down
on the other hand there is my husband, and how wonderful he can be at times. he has been extremely mean and irritable lately, very snappy. he claims that it is because he has quit smoking, but then again thinking back to before he quit smoking he was that way to, just maybe a little less. he complains about the house, and how it looks. and how he never gets anytime to himself. hello, neither do i. the last time that i went somewhere (other then work) without the kids, was on jan 13th when i went out for like 3 hours late at night to meet HIM. and my husband gave me issues about that. and then when i went away on vacation he was giving me issues about that, and when i came back i mentioned that later on this year i wanted to go to the other state that my best friend lives to see her, and the baby again. omg, you would have though that i said that i was moving to another country instead of going to another state for a couple of days. so that is going to be a huge fight for me to do that. i dont know about him. it seems like he always wants to argue with me about something, for example we had a big argument/discussion about us filing our taxes seperately a while ago, due to the fact that we can get back more that way, and that it is perfectly legal to do that because for 10 months last year we were living separetly, and it was my right. to be honest my major reason was that i knew that if we filed together, he would insist on me handing him half of the money for himself, then before you know it, that money would be gone. like all the other years that we had filed together. so anyway today he filed his taxes and once again, started whining about how much he had gotten back. which was definetly very little yes, so i tried to remind him again that all the money that i was getting back was being saved for emergencies, so of course he had to say well because i lost my 2 jobs and i probably wont have all the money for the rent, i would consider that an emergency right? so i quite calmly said that wasnt an emergency, and it couldnt be used for that. mind you the rent is due in a few days. so he said do you have your tax return yet, and i said no, which is true, i really dont, but the thing is that next month i wont be able to lie because he is going to know that i have my money back, and i am sure that something is going to come back and he is going to want me to give him money probably for the rent. and what am i going to do? get myself evicted because he isnt/refuses to/cant pay the rent or am i going to keep bailing him out of his issues just like i used to? he never bails me out of nothing. as a matter of fact, per month i actually pay more bills then he does, and yet he makes more money per hour than i do. more issues, more issues. never a stress free moment with me.
on the other hand there is my husband, and how wonderful he can be at times. he has been extremely mean and irritable lately, very snappy. he claims that it is because he has quit smoking, but then again thinking back to before he quit smoking he was that way to, just maybe a little less. he complains about the house, and how it looks. and how he never gets anytime to himself. hello, neither do i. the last time that i went somewhere (other then work) without the kids, was on jan 13th when i went out for like 3 hours late at night to meet HIM. and my husband gave me issues about that. and then when i went away on vacation he was giving me issues about that, and when i came back i mentioned that later on this year i wanted to go to the other state that my best friend lives to see her, and the baby again. omg, you would have though that i said that i was moving to another country instead of going to another state for a couple of days. so that is going to be a huge fight for me to do that. i dont know about him. it seems like he always wants to argue with me about something, for example we had a big argument/discussion about us filing our taxes seperately a while ago, due to the fact that we can get back more that way, and that it is perfectly legal to do that because for 10 months last year we were living separetly, and it was my right. to be honest my major reason was that i knew that if we filed together, he would insist on me handing him half of the money for himself, then before you know it, that money would be gone. like all the other years that we had filed together. so anyway today he filed his taxes and once again, started whining about how much he had gotten back. which was definetly very little yes, so i tried to remind him again that all the money that i was getting back was being saved for emergencies, so of course he had to say well because i lost my 2 jobs and i probably wont have all the money for the rent, i would consider that an emergency right? so i quite calmly said that wasnt an emergency, and it couldnt be used for that. mind you the rent is due in a few days. so he said do you have your tax return yet, and i said no, which is true, i really dont, but the thing is that next month i wont be able to lie because he is going to know that i have my money back, and i am sure that something is going to come back and he is going to want me to give him money probably for the rent. and what am i going to do? get myself evicted because he isnt/refuses to/cant pay the rent or am i going to keep bailing him out of his issues just like i used to? he never bails me out of nothing. as a matter of fact, per month i actually pay more bills then he does, and yet he makes more money per hour than i do. more issues, more issues. never a stress free moment with me.
"All the miles that seperate, disappear now when I am dreaming of your face..."
"I'm here without you baby, but your still on my lonely mind,
I think about you baby, and I dream about you all the time,
I'm here without you baby, your still with me in my dreams,
and tonight it's only you and me."
"Here Without You" sung by 3 Doors Down
that about describes how i have been feeling lately. the cell phone issue got fixed, thankfully, and they basically overnighted me my cell phone and i received it last night, and got it all set up again. i actually went through one or two of my most recent cell phone bills and thanks to itemized billing, i located my best friends number (yes i know it is awful that i dont have it memorized, but i am speed dial spoiled, with it programmed in my phone i have never had to memorize any numbers). and yes while i was looking at the bills, i also located HIS number as well. maybe i was really trying to find his number, okay yeah i was, i wanted it. so now i have it, but the question is what am i going to do with it? he had said that he was going to call me back on sunday night with his number, because when he called me extremely drunk on saturday night i had told him that i didnt have his number anymore. but he didnt call me back sunday with the number, and he hasnt called me yet. and even though my other phone didnt work so that i couldnt see who was calling, my voice mail did work, so even if i had missed the call, he could have left a message. so basically it ends up with, he didnt call me. so do i call him after a while? i have already been getting the urge to call him, but i am also stopping myself from calling him, because i wanted to start getting away from him. i dont know what i am going to do. it is definetly a possibilty that he completely forgot that we even had that conversation because he was so drunk, and because of the conversation that we had a while ago, he is just giving me my time to myself. i dont know. from my friends and family that i have mentioned this to, i am getting mixed opinions too, my best friend keeps telling me to just let it go, it is done, if he wants to call me for something important he knows how to reach me. but that hurts really bad. and then on the other hand my mom surprised me by saying that if i care about him so much why wouldnt i want to keep in touch with him. but she also realized how much it hurts to keep hearing how good he is doing. i dont know what to do. i wonder what good keeping in contact with him is going to do me, if i just get to hear about how good that he is going after he dumped me. i really dont know what i am going to do yet. if i am just going to wait and see if he contacts me and if he doesnt then just work on really getting over all of it, or if he doesnt contact me in a while, contact him. i just dont know.
I think about you baby, and I dream about you all the time,
I'm here without you baby, your still with me in my dreams,
and tonight it's only you and me."
"Here Without You" sung by 3 Doors Down
that about describes how i have been feeling lately. the cell phone issue got fixed, thankfully, and they basically overnighted me my cell phone and i received it last night, and got it all set up again. i actually went through one or two of my most recent cell phone bills and thanks to itemized billing, i located my best friends number (yes i know it is awful that i dont have it memorized, but i am speed dial spoiled, with it programmed in my phone i have never had to memorize any numbers). and yes while i was looking at the bills, i also located HIS number as well. maybe i was really trying to find his number, okay yeah i was, i wanted it. so now i have it, but the question is what am i going to do with it? he had said that he was going to call me back on sunday night with his number, because when he called me extremely drunk on saturday night i had told him that i didnt have his number anymore. but he didnt call me back sunday with the number, and he hasnt called me yet. and even though my other phone didnt work so that i couldnt see who was calling, my voice mail did work, so even if i had missed the call, he could have left a message. so basically it ends up with, he didnt call me. so do i call him after a while? i have already been getting the urge to call him, but i am also stopping myself from calling him, because i wanted to start getting away from him. i dont know what i am going to do. it is definetly a possibilty that he completely forgot that we even had that conversation because he was so drunk, and because of the conversation that we had a while ago, he is just giving me my time to myself. i dont know. from my friends and family that i have mentioned this to, i am getting mixed opinions too, my best friend keeps telling me to just let it go, it is done, if he wants to call me for something important he knows how to reach me. but that hurts really bad. and then on the other hand my mom surprised me by saying that if i care about him so much why wouldnt i want to keep in touch with him. but she also realized how much it hurts to keep hearing how good he is doing. i dont know what to do. i wonder what good keeping in contact with him is going to do me, if i just get to hear about how good that he is going after he dumped me. i really dont know what i am going to do yet. if i am just going to wait and see if he contacts me and if he doesnt then just work on really getting over all of it, or if he doesnt contact me in a while, contact him. i just dont know.
Tuesday, February 21, 2006
She's like the wind through my dreams, she rides the night next to me."---my recent dream
"She's like the wind." from the Dirty Dancing soundtrack
my dream last night was very interesting.
i dreamt that i was talking to someone and i told them that i didnt know if i could continue to be friends with my best friend because she was with HIM and that it hurt so much to keep hearing about him. and i also remember being in a bathroom and talking to my dad (not on the phone but face to face).
(well this dream was not that far off, hearing about how good that he is doing really hurts me.)
my dream last night was very interesting.
i dreamt that i was talking to someone and i told them that i didnt know if i could continue to be friends with my best friend because she was with HIM and that it hurt so much to keep hearing about him. and i also remember being in a bathroom and talking to my dad (not on the phone but face to face).
(well this dream was not that far off, hearing about how good that he is doing really hurts me.)
"If you ever leave, baby you would take away everything good in my life."
"How Do I Live" sung by Lee Ann Rimes (among other people)
so i went away saw my godson for his first birthday and stood up to be his godmother for his baptism. so that was nice. it was also very stressful and i was very anxious most of the time, but at least i had a nice time. i got to see my best friend also (my godson's mother) who i havent seen in a year also. (even though we try to keep in constant contact). one night we were up til almost 2am just talking. but then of course something had to happen that upset me, my stupid cell phone's screens stopped working. so i couldnt access any of my numbers out of my phone, and of course i dont have most of the numbers memorized. and when i called the company about getting a replacement they informed me that it wasnt under warranty anymore and that it would be 65 dollars or more to get the same crappy one that i have that has been breaking every couple of months. so when i was finally able to talk to my husband about this, his response was well i dont have any money sorry. i didnt even ask him for money, and i never do, and he wasnt even offering me suggestions. so that upset me. and then he kept calling me up and aggravating me, one morning he called my phone so many times that the people that i was staying with told him i was out and that they would tell me that i had called. they were aggravating him that much. so the idea of that story is, who did i miss the most while i was gone:
so i went away saw my godson for his first birthday and stood up to be his godmother for his baptism. so that was nice. it was also very stressful and i was very anxious most of the time, but at least i had a nice time. i got to see my best friend also (my godson's mother) who i havent seen in a year also. (even though we try to keep in constant contact). one night we were up til almost 2am just talking. but then of course something had to happen that upset me, my stupid cell phone's screens stopped working. so i couldnt access any of my numbers out of my phone, and of course i dont have most of the numbers memorized. and when i called the company about getting a replacement they informed me that it wasnt under warranty anymore and that it would be 65 dollars or more to get the same crappy one that i have that has been breaking every couple of months. so when i was finally able to talk to my husband about this, his response was well i dont have any money sorry. i didnt even ask him for money, and i never do, and he wasnt even offering me suggestions. so that upset me. and then he kept calling me up and aggravating me, one morning he called my phone so many times that the people that i was staying with told him i was out and that they would tell me that i had called. they were aggravating him that much. so the idea of that story is, who did i miss the most while i was gone:
thats right, i missed my dog. cause when i got back, i really wanted to just turn around and go back away again. and take the dog and the kids and no one else. can you blame me? of course not. so okay keeping in mind that my i basically lost all the numbers in my cell phone, and because i cant see them to see what they are, i dont have hardly anyones number anymore. so that part of the cell broke saturday afternoon, and HE called me saturday night. and said i know that we had said that you would call me, but i decided to call you. so i said why, and he didnt answer. he was drunk and i said you are drunk arent you, and he said wasted. so then i said what about your blood pressure. and he says f**** my blood pressure. so i was like okayyyyy. and then i said to him give me your cell number because i dont have your number anymore because that part of my phone broke. so he said oh i dont have my number memorized, but i will call you tomorrow with it. (which was sunday). so then he said not that you want to talk to me because you hate me, so i said i dont hate you i just dislike you sometimes or something really smart like that. so then my friend said she might not hate you, but i do. (she said it low though, so i dont think that he heard her.) so then he said okay, kisses and hugs or something like that, and then said i will call you tomorrow. so guess what, he hasnt called me. and today is tuesday. well this is it, i am not going to call him now. not that i could even if i wanted to. unless i somehow find his number written down somewhere. which i dont know if i have it. even still, i dont know if i am going to call him. i did change my voice mail now so that if anyone calls me, i put in my message that i lost all my numbers and to make sure that they leave me their number in their message because i probably dont have it.
as for the cell situation that did get straightened out slightly, my husband really impressed me by calling them up and handling everything for me. he is getting me a completely different phone shipped to me, no charge to me at all, with a one year warranty, and shipped 2 day priority. so that was very good. but he took away all of that by being annoying for the end of the afternoon and evening (this was yesterday) and then he proceeded to lay down at about 7pm, and say that he was only going to lay down for a few minutes, and he fell asleep for the rest of the night. leaving me with no help for anything that had to be done. it figures.
Thursday, February 16, 2006
"Its to late to keep from going crazy, I've got to get away."
"The reasons that I can't stay dont have a thing to be with being in love. I understand that loving a man shouldn't have to be this rough. And you ain't the only one that feels like this worlds left you far behind, I dont know why you've gotta be angry all the time. I remember everytime that I said that I'd never leave, but what I cant live with is memories of the way that you used to be." sung by Tim McGraw "Angry All The Time"
well as i figured yesterday which was supposed to be so great would not turn out that good, maybe it was just my usual negative outlook or just a feeling that i had but i was right. it wasnt that good. it started off okay, but he was snapping at me and trying to rush me, and then i mentioned something stupid that i had done (or that had happened to me) when we were seperated, not thinking that he was going to flip out about it. but he did flip and i flipped because i couldnt believe that he was acting that way about it. so our whole night was ruined because he was so mad at me that he wouldnt do anything. we just argued and screamed for like 3 hours. that was the basis of the night. and with the issues that i have i wasnt even mostly screaming, i was mostly laying in my bed curled in a ball and crying for almost the whole 3 hours. so finally i said thats it i am leaving and got my purse keys and cell phone and opened up the door, and was leaving, and then he was like dont go, go lay down on the couch. so i said no, i want to leave you have made it very plain how you feel about me. so then as i was getting ready to close the door, he said i really love you so much, and you hurt me sometimes that is why i act the way i act. so i came back in the house, and had started crying again. and i guess that we worked through it after that, because we started talking it out. and also of course the make up you know what after was awesome. it wasnt even that, it was making love, and it was good. it actually felt like it meant something. i think (and hope) that we will be better now then we were before, i think that we needed to get all of this out in the open.
as for HIM since tuesday i havent heard from him, he had said that he was going to call me today and he didnt. (of course, big surprise there). that is fine, i am not going to call him. that is it. maybe if he doesnt call me in a couple of weeks or a month, i will call him, but i am definetly not going to be calling him right away.
i am trying to finish packing right now, i am going to be travelling to see my godson for his baptism and also for his first birthday. i am so excited to see him. i just hope my own little monkeys are good, i dont know how well my nerves are going to handle it if they arent.
well as i figured yesterday which was supposed to be so great would not turn out that good, maybe it was just my usual negative outlook or just a feeling that i had but i was right. it wasnt that good. it started off okay, but he was snapping at me and trying to rush me, and then i mentioned something stupid that i had done (or that had happened to me) when we were seperated, not thinking that he was going to flip out about it. but he did flip and i flipped because i couldnt believe that he was acting that way about it. so our whole night was ruined because he was so mad at me that he wouldnt do anything. we just argued and screamed for like 3 hours. that was the basis of the night. and with the issues that i have i wasnt even mostly screaming, i was mostly laying in my bed curled in a ball and crying for almost the whole 3 hours. so finally i said thats it i am leaving and got my purse keys and cell phone and opened up the door, and was leaving, and then he was like dont go, go lay down on the couch. so i said no, i want to leave you have made it very plain how you feel about me. so then as i was getting ready to close the door, he said i really love you so much, and you hurt me sometimes that is why i act the way i act. so i came back in the house, and had started crying again. and i guess that we worked through it after that, because we started talking it out. and also of course the make up you know what after was awesome. it wasnt even that, it was making love, and it was good. it actually felt like it meant something. i think (and hope) that we will be better now then we were before, i think that we needed to get all of this out in the open.
as for HIM since tuesday i havent heard from him, he had said that he was going to call me today and he didnt. (of course, big surprise there). that is fine, i am not going to call him. that is it. maybe if he doesnt call me in a couple of weeks or a month, i will call him, but i am definetly not going to be calling him right away.
i am trying to finish packing right now, i am going to be travelling to see my godson for his baptism and also for his first birthday. i am so excited to see him. i just hope my own little monkeys are good, i dont know how well my nerves are going to handle it if they arent.
I Surrender---Poem
I throw my hands up in surrender to my life.
The way that I live,
doesn't seem fair.
All I do is wait for something else to happen.
I used to have a fairly good life,
with not as many problems or issues.
But now it seems I just go from one issue to another.
It wasn't always like this.
But the life I had before was taken away one fateful morning.
Who knew that a natural disaster could destroy your life as you know it?
It could take away your home and most of your belongings,
that you had worked so hard to achieve.
Then with that your boyfriend, your dog.
It doesn't seem fair.
How everything can be taken from you so abruptly.
So now, you are left with the aftermath.
You are left with the job that you work at 5 days a week,
that just pays you bills and lets you barely scrape by.
You are left with a man that can barely hold a job,
and can't be depended on.
(Which is why you left him in the first place.)
You are also left with a life that is so hard to live,
you wonder most of the time is it worth it.
And you are left missing the things that you will never have back.
Things that were taken from you against your will.
The life that you had taken for granted before is one of them.
The other one is the man that you took for granted,
who is gone and in someone else's arms now.
But you can't have any of that back,
because it was taken from you and won't be returned.
It is very hard to accept that.
Life seems so worthless to you,
as you go through it day after day,
just trying to survive.
And it seems like you are just living to get through the day.
With nothing being looked forward to.
How can anyone survive like this?
It is difficult.
Which is why I throw my hands up in surrender,
just hoping that things will get better.
The way that I live,
doesn't seem fair.
All I do is wait for something else to happen.
I used to have a fairly good life,
with not as many problems or issues.
But now it seems I just go from one issue to another.
It wasn't always like this.
But the life I had before was taken away one fateful morning.
Who knew that a natural disaster could destroy your life as you know it?
It could take away your home and most of your belongings,
that you had worked so hard to achieve.
Then with that your boyfriend, your dog.
It doesn't seem fair.
How everything can be taken from you so abruptly.
So now, you are left with the aftermath.
You are left with the job that you work at 5 days a week,
that just pays you bills and lets you barely scrape by.
You are left with a man that can barely hold a job,
and can't be depended on.
(Which is why you left him in the first place.)
You are also left with a life that is so hard to live,
you wonder most of the time is it worth it.
And you are left missing the things that you will never have back.
Things that were taken from you against your will.
The life that you had taken for granted before is one of them.
The other one is the man that you took for granted,
who is gone and in someone else's arms now.
But you can't have any of that back,
because it was taken from you and won't be returned.
It is very hard to accept that.
Life seems so worthless to you,
as you go through it day after day,
just trying to survive.
And it seems like you are just living to get through the day.
With nothing being looked forward to.
How can anyone survive like this?
It is difficult.
Which is why I throw my hands up in surrender,
just hoping that things will get better.
Tuesday, February 14, 2006
Happy Valentine's Day (yeah right)
okay so this is what happened on my valentine's day. i spoke with HIM, see of course other blog previously posted about that. i worked, yea for me, and it was crazy at work with people yelling at me an awful lot and with us being short 2 people it was definetly a crazy place to be. i really hope that they appreciate the amount of work that i have done both yesterday and today because we were so short staffed, then again, they probably dont knowing the way that they are. my husband had to work tonight so when i came home he had of course already left, which was something that i knew would happen, we had already discussed it and agreed that we would celebrate valentines day tomorrow night when we were both off work. but when i got home i saw thrown on the counter a receipt from publix for flowers and a card. so first i was like okay he got the card today but he is waiting until tomorrow to give it to me. but then i started hunting for the flowers, because you cant really hide them. so i was like i wonder if he is cheating on me, and these are for her. so as all these thoughts are going through my head, i open the door to my bedroom and walk in and there are the flowers (which were my favorite sunflowers) in a vase on my desk. so i felt like a total you know what for even thinking that about him. and then i was like awwww he really did think of me. because for him to think of me is very unlike him at times.
and on last night he was very sweet to me also, he made me a homemade dinner that took him hours to make (on his day off) and watched tv with me, we snuggled, he really took an interest in me, and we also had some fun :) and amazingly enough, it was actually good fun. so this has all been very nice, but some part of me is just wondering what he wants from me. which is not nice i know. well we will see what happens tomorrow night, because that is the night that we are supposed to be celebrating valentines day. i am sure that we arent going out to dinner or anything because we dont have much money right now due to the loss of his jobs, but it is what we do, it is how i am treated in general that i will be paying attention to.
on a different subject i am supposed to be going away this weekend, (leaving friday afternoon and coming up either late sunday or early monday) because it is my best friend's son (my godson) 1 year birthday party and also his baptism. i have been planning on going for quite a while, so far everything seems set, but i am just hoping that nothing goes wrong. i have been looking forward to this for a while. she lives in another state with my godson and i havent seen him for a year, i only saw him when he was like 1 day old, and then i hadnt seen him since, or my best friend since, so i am definetly looking forward to it. i am bringing both of my kids with me, i just hope that they are good, because we are staying over someone elses house, and it isnt her house it is one of her relatives.
addition to what i just posted about the flowers and my husband, well i was impressed that he remembered which were my favorite flowers and made sure that they were included in the bouquet but he didnt remember. he thought that my favorite was tulips (go figure that one), which wasnt in the bouquet either. so i guess that i was just luck that my favorites were in the bouquet. ironically enough it shouldnt that hard for him to figure out what my favorite kind of flower is, i have a fairly large sized tattoo of it. oh well, i am still impressed that i actually got the cards and flower on valentines day and that he still thought of me.
and on last night he was very sweet to me also, he made me a homemade dinner that took him hours to make (on his day off) and watched tv with me, we snuggled, he really took an interest in me, and we also had some fun :) and amazingly enough, it was actually good fun. so this has all been very nice, but some part of me is just wondering what he wants from me. which is not nice i know. well we will see what happens tomorrow night, because that is the night that we are supposed to be celebrating valentines day. i am sure that we arent going out to dinner or anything because we dont have much money right now due to the loss of his jobs, but it is what we do, it is how i am treated in general that i will be paying attention to.
on a different subject i am supposed to be going away this weekend, (leaving friday afternoon and coming up either late sunday or early monday) because it is my best friend's son (my godson) 1 year birthday party and also his baptism. i have been planning on going for quite a while, so far everything seems set, but i am just hoping that nothing goes wrong. i have been looking forward to this for a while. she lives in another state with my godson and i havent seen him for a year, i only saw him when he was like 1 day old, and then i hadnt seen him since, or my best friend since, so i am definetly looking forward to it. i am bringing both of my kids with me, i just hope that they are good, because we are staying over someone elses house, and it isnt her house it is one of her relatives.
addition to what i just posted about the flowers and my husband, well i was impressed that he remembered which were my favorite flowers and made sure that they were included in the bouquet but he didnt remember. he thought that my favorite was tulips (go figure that one), which wasnt in the bouquet either. so i guess that i was just luck that my favorites were in the bouquet. ironically enough it shouldnt that hard for him to figure out what my favorite kind of flower is, i have a fairly large sized tattoo of it. oh well, i am still impressed that i actually got the cards and flower on valentines day and that he still thought of me.
I Will Remember You, Will You Remember Me? Don't Let Your Life Pass You By, Weep Not For The Memories."
from "I Will Remember You" sung by Sarah McLaughlin
okay, so HE called me yesterday and just wanted to talk, and then of course came the inevitable question, do you have it yet? so i said no, even though i did have it i didnt tell him that because i didnt feel like having that conversation at that moment. so i said to him you know you are just calling me all the time because you just want to see if have it. and he was like no, i am calling you the same amount that i did before all this happened. so i said well why are you calling me so much you call me like every other day or every 3 days, why is that. so he said that it was because he cared about me, and wanted to make sure that i was okay. so i told him that i was trying to decide if i wanted to talk to him anymore, because i couldnt handle talking to him so much, and i explained why. so he said okay, and i said i didnt know what i wanted to do, so he said that he would leave it up to me. so i said okay. so i said that once i knew something about my period that i would call him about it, and tell him what i had decided from there. so he said okay. so tonight at around 8pm i called him back and told him that i had it, and he said that he had just woken up because he was feeling sick and asked me if he could call me back later on tonight, and if not tomorrow, so i said call me on thursday, and he said okay, and asked about if it was okay because of what we had discussed. i said that it was fine, and that we could discuss it then. and he wished me a happy valentines day like 4 times, and then said that he would talk to me thursday and we hung up.
then he called me back like an hour later, and said that he was sorry that he had hung up so abruptly but that he had just woken up, and he said that he appreciated that i told him quickly and wished me a happy valentines day like 3 more times. and then he said that he was going to leave it up to me, and that when i wanted to talk to him that i could call him. so i said that what we had agreed upon was fine for thursday and that i would talk to him again at that time regarding that. so he agreed.
when i talk to him then i am going to tell him that i dont want to completely break off contact like i had said originally, but i am going to tell him that maybe he call me once every 2 or 3 weeks, instead of once every 2 or 3 days. and maybe that will make it better for me. because i just dont know if i can break contact off completely but what i do know is that it cant go on the way that it is. i have had several opinions on this, and it seems like the major opinion is that i should just stop talking to him all together. but i just dont know about that. it seems like whichever route i take that it hurts.
okay, so HE called me yesterday and just wanted to talk, and then of course came the inevitable question, do you have it yet? so i said no, even though i did have it i didnt tell him that because i didnt feel like having that conversation at that moment. so i said to him you know you are just calling me all the time because you just want to see if have it. and he was like no, i am calling you the same amount that i did before all this happened. so i said well why are you calling me so much you call me like every other day or every 3 days, why is that. so he said that it was because he cared about me, and wanted to make sure that i was okay. so i told him that i was trying to decide if i wanted to talk to him anymore, because i couldnt handle talking to him so much, and i explained why. so he said okay, and i said i didnt know what i wanted to do, so he said that he would leave it up to me. so i said okay. so i said that once i knew something about my period that i would call him about it, and tell him what i had decided from there. so he said okay. so tonight at around 8pm i called him back and told him that i had it, and he said that he had just woken up because he was feeling sick and asked me if he could call me back later on tonight, and if not tomorrow, so i said call me on thursday, and he said okay, and asked about if it was okay because of what we had discussed. i said that it was fine, and that we could discuss it then. and he wished me a happy valentines day like 4 times, and then said that he would talk to me thursday and we hung up.
then he called me back like an hour later, and said that he was sorry that he had hung up so abruptly but that he had just woken up, and he said that he appreciated that i told him quickly and wished me a happy valentines day like 3 more times. and then he said that he was going to leave it up to me, and that when i wanted to talk to him that i could call him. so i said that what we had agreed upon was fine for thursday and that i would talk to him again at that time regarding that. so he agreed.
when i talk to him then i am going to tell him that i dont want to completely break off contact like i had said originally, but i am going to tell him that maybe he call me once every 2 or 3 weeks, instead of once every 2 or 3 days. and maybe that will make it better for me. because i just dont know if i can break contact off completely but what i do know is that it cant go on the way that it is. i have had several opinions on this, and it seems like the major opinion is that i should just stop talking to him all together. but i just dont know about that. it seems like whichever route i take that it hurts.
This Ring---Poem
This ring that I wear,
should symbolize something.
It should symbolize a promise,
and a feeling.
It should symbolize love,
and devotion.
It should also mean an endless love.
Instead of that,
it seems like it is just a piece of jewelry.
Sure it is a beautiful piece of jewelry,
but what does that mean?
To you,
I don't think that it means anything special.
You don't make me feel appreciated or loved.
You treat me like I am invisible most of the time.
So what is the purpose of wearing this ring?
Or in honoring the promise that was made when we exhanged them?
Soon the ring may be removed,
because lately it seems that there is no point in wearing it.
Unless things change.
should symbolize something.
It should symbolize a promise,
and a feeling.
It should symbolize love,
and devotion.
It should also mean an endless love.
Instead of that,
it seems like it is just a piece of jewelry.
Sure it is a beautiful piece of jewelry,
but what does that mean?
To you,
I don't think that it means anything special.
You don't make me feel appreciated or loved.
You treat me like I am invisible most of the time.
So what is the purpose of wearing this ring?
Or in honoring the promise that was made when we exhanged them?
Soon the ring may be removed,
because lately it seems that there is no point in wearing it.
Unless things change.
Sunday, February 12, 2006
How Am I Doing----Poem
You call me at least once a week,
to ask how am I doing.
I want to know why you even bother to call.
If you really cared about me,
you wouldn't have left me.
Or you would have come back,
once everything had been discussed.
But you didn't.
Instead you are busy living the single life,
getting your own place next week.
All of this without me.
And you ask me, how am I doing.
How are the kids and the dog that you left behind.
And you say that I sound great,
and that I am doing okay.
I correct you and say that it is not that I am doing well,
but that I am just learning to accept what I can't change.
You say thats good,
you have been worried about me.
How could you say that?
When you cared so little about me,
that you hooked up with someone five days after you left me.
No matter what your state of mind was,
thats no excuse.
And it is definetly no excuse that you dont like to be alone.
Because if you hadn't left me you wouldnt have been alone.
Also you are still with that person,
so obviously it wasnt just because you dont like to be alone or because you were drunk.
Ironically enough your drinking was the one major conflict that we had.
You never acknowledged that you had a problem,
and I wanted you to realize that you did because it was causing problems.
Now you tell me that you have dramatically cut your drinking.
Why couldnt that have happened before,
then some of these problems probably wouldnt have happened.
We wouldnt have had the issues that we had.
But there is no use dwelling on the past right?
Because you cant change what has happened.
But everytime that you call, and ask how am I doing,
it hurts.
Because if you cared that much about me,
you would still be with me.
Once I get the strength, when you call I wont talk to you.
So you can keep wondering when you don't speak to me anymore,
how am I doing without you.
to ask how am I doing.
I want to know why you even bother to call.
If you really cared about me,
you wouldn't have left me.
Or you would have come back,
once everything had been discussed.
But you didn't.
Instead you are busy living the single life,
getting your own place next week.
All of this without me.
And you ask me, how am I doing.
How are the kids and the dog that you left behind.
And you say that I sound great,
and that I am doing okay.
I correct you and say that it is not that I am doing well,
but that I am just learning to accept what I can't change.
You say thats good,
you have been worried about me.
How could you say that?
When you cared so little about me,
that you hooked up with someone five days after you left me.
No matter what your state of mind was,
thats no excuse.
And it is definetly no excuse that you dont like to be alone.
Because if you hadn't left me you wouldnt have been alone.
Also you are still with that person,
so obviously it wasnt just because you dont like to be alone or because you were drunk.
Ironically enough your drinking was the one major conflict that we had.
You never acknowledged that you had a problem,
and I wanted you to realize that you did because it was causing problems.
Now you tell me that you have dramatically cut your drinking.
Why couldnt that have happened before,
then some of these problems probably wouldnt have happened.
We wouldnt have had the issues that we had.
But there is no use dwelling on the past right?
Because you cant change what has happened.
But everytime that you call, and ask how am I doing,
it hurts.
Because if you cared that much about me,
you would still be with me.
Once I get the strength, when you call I wont talk to you.
So you can keep wondering when you don't speak to me anymore,
how am I doing without you.
HE called
this morning to ask how everything was. i told him that i was going to the mall and getting more piercing, i just got 4 more holes this morning, so now i am up to 5 holes in each ear, plus of course the belly piercing and the tattoo. i am considering when i get my tax return back taking like 200 dollars out of that to get another tattoo, because all the time that i bust my butt, i get nothing out of it. i need to have some fun with some of that money. but anyway, not to get off the subject, the conversation was fairly short he said that he was at work and was just checking up, but of course he asked how are things on the period front, so i said not yet. and then i said what were you just calling me to see if i had it yet? and then my phone disconnected. so i dont know if he heard me say that or not. i just havent decided how to handle that, i guess i am just going to tell him i got it and then just let him go. because i am just torturing myself by continuing to talk to him, and it is going to hurt me, a lot, in the beginning when i dont talk to him anymore like it did last time when over a month went by, but towards the end of that month i was starting to deal with it more, so that is what i am going to have to do. it is going to hurt in the beginning but eventually hopefully i will get over it.
the husband has been getting even more on my nerves than usual, not only did he lose his jobs and is down to one job right now and keeps saying that he should be able to pay the rent on time, but that it is going to be close, and notice the SHOULD. but not only that, he has been telling me that he would be cleaning up the house because it was a disaster, and he has been saying that for like the past 4 days. and he hasnt done it. so the house has been looking like a tornado hit it, and he has been sleeping instead of doing anything. he hasnt been affectionate towards me, he basically acts like i dont exist. he doesnt even touch me. so he went to sleep this morning and told me to wake him up at 12pm, before i left to do what i had to do. everytime i tried to wake him, (it is now 1:30pm) he has cursed or yelled at me, saying that he doesnt want to get up right now. well, so much for us spending a little bit of time together. all of this is just pushing me further and further away from him, it is going to cause me to do something that will require a lot of thought first.
the husband has been getting even more on my nerves than usual, not only did he lose his jobs and is down to one job right now and keeps saying that he should be able to pay the rent on time, but that it is going to be close, and notice the SHOULD. but not only that, he has been telling me that he would be cleaning up the house because it was a disaster, and he has been saying that for like the past 4 days. and he hasnt done it. so the house has been looking like a tornado hit it, and he has been sleeping instead of doing anything. he hasnt been affectionate towards me, he basically acts like i dont exist. he doesnt even touch me. so he went to sleep this morning and told me to wake him up at 12pm, before i left to do what i had to do. everytime i tried to wake him, (it is now 1:30pm) he has cursed or yelled at me, saying that he doesnt want to get up right now. well, so much for us spending a little bit of time together. all of this is just pushing me further and further away from him, it is going to cause me to do something that will require a lot of thought first.
Saturday, February 11, 2006
"I Just Called To Say I Want You, Come Back Home.
"Picture" sung by Sheryl Crow and Kid Rock
you reminded me of brighter days, i hoped that you were coming home to stay
i cant understand why we're living life this way
i thought about you for a long time, cant seem to get you off my mind.
lord i wonder if i'll ever change my ways
i put your picture away, sat down and cried today.
well not to much to say about HIM, i have been dreaming about him a lot, he called me a couple of times and we had brief conversations, as i said i am not calling him and i am trying to distance myself from him. i cant handle it anymore. i did find out that i am not pregnant, i was happy that i wasnt, but part of me was also sad, because i do really want a baby. and it would have been part of him. but i dont want a baby that way, i want it with someone that i can depend on.
my husband, (told you this would happen), in the short period of about a week to a week and a half managed to lose both of the jobs that he had, and has just gotten one job at night that he just started. so now he is still short one job, and when i asked him about looking for another one, he said that it might be awhile cause he doesnt see himself doing the same career that he has been doing for the past sixteen years at both jobs. so that is wonderful. i suggested to him that he just take what he can get for now, and then he look for something else while he has that, but that didnt go over well. i can just see it happening, what happened before is going to happen again, he is going to lose his jobs not be able to pay his share of the bills, and we will be evicted again. this is like deja vu, all over again. i wont be able to handle it if it happens again, i will lose it. i do know that if it does happen that this was it. i had told him that this was the one and only second chance that he was going to get so if he screws this up, this is it. i will file my divorce papers very quickly after.
you reminded me of brighter days, i hoped that you were coming home to stay
i cant understand why we're living life this way
i thought about you for a long time, cant seem to get you off my mind.
lord i wonder if i'll ever change my ways
i put your picture away, sat down and cried today.
well not to much to say about HIM, i have been dreaming about him a lot, he called me a couple of times and we had brief conversations, as i said i am not calling him and i am trying to distance myself from him. i cant handle it anymore. i did find out that i am not pregnant, i was happy that i wasnt, but part of me was also sad, because i do really want a baby. and it would have been part of him. but i dont want a baby that way, i want it with someone that i can depend on.
my husband, (told you this would happen), in the short period of about a week to a week and a half managed to lose both of the jobs that he had, and has just gotten one job at night that he just started. so now he is still short one job, and when i asked him about looking for another one, he said that it might be awhile cause he doesnt see himself doing the same career that he has been doing for the past sixteen years at both jobs. so that is wonderful. i suggested to him that he just take what he can get for now, and then he look for something else while he has that, but that didnt go over well. i can just see it happening, what happened before is going to happen again, he is going to lose his jobs not be able to pay his share of the bills, and we will be evicted again. this is like deja vu, all over again. i wont be able to handle it if it happens again, i will lose it. i do know that if it does happen that this was it. i had told him that this was the one and only second chance that he was going to get so if he screws this up, this is it. i will file my divorce papers very quickly after.
Still Dreaming
my dream last night was interesting. i dreamt that i was working back at one of the stores that i used to work at, and that HE called me up while i was at work and that he called me and said that he was in this city that is like a 2 hour job from me, and he was asking me if i wanted him to meet him. so i said okay, that i would leave work as soon as i got off work and drive to meet him. and then at another point in my dream that i was a maid and i was cleaning and there was someone yelling at me to make the bed in my room. so yet another strange dream.
i thought that it was my medication that was making me have all these dreams, but i decided on my own to stop taking my medication because i wasnt happy with the way that it was making me feel. and i am still having my dreams, so i guess it isnt the medication. i guess it is my subconcious coming out.
i thought that it was my medication that was making me have all these dreams, but i decided on my own to stop taking my medication because i wasnt happy with the way that it was making me feel. and i am still having my dreams, so i guess it isnt the medication. i guess it is my subconcious coming out.
Sunday, February 05, 2006
"Destined to deceive her, he's the wrong kind of paradise, shes gonna know it in a matter of time"
sung by Trisha Yearwood "Walkaway Joe"
havent heard from HIM since wednesday night when i finally got tired of him calling and texting him 2 days in a row. not that i am surprised by that, i am trying to be happy about it, because that is what i need. (not what i want). what i want is for everything to back to the way that it was like in aug of last year, but that of course is never going to happen. even if me and him werent having problems when the hurricane came and blew away our house, he still would have been in another state on vacation at that time. and when he didnt have a house to come back to, i dont know what he would have done. he might have done the same thing that he did. i guess that i will never know now.
my husband has made me exceed the stress level that i had the yesterday because of him. now not only did he get fired from his night job on i think it was last thursday night. he supposedly has a new night job that he is supposed to be starting at this coming thursday which means that for his night job he is going to be short a weeks worth of pay. and now he said that his day job doesnt have him on the schedule again until saturday night. so that is very not good, because that means that he will be short a weeks worth of pay from that one too. so this is really not good. even though he said that the day job said that they might a scheduling error, and that they would fix it, and probably need him other days. i really hope so. ever since he came home tonight, he has been really weird. he said that it is just his back and head hurting him, but it is something more, i can tell. he is very hyper, isnt sitting still, then if he is still, he is laying down, not moving. so i kept asking what was wrong, and he finally said that he was a little stressed because he was working a lot slower then he used to, and he wasnt sure why. so i asked him if maybe it could be a couple of different things, but he wouldnt even let me finish. and just kept saying now i dont want to talk about it. and that was it, he wont talk about it anymore. which is so aggravating. if he isnt doing good at work, that affects me too, because not good at work=fired, fired=no money to pay bills. no money to pay bills=no home. again. i really dont want to play with that. why cant life ever be simple?
update on my grandmother, she is out of the hospital, i picked her up friday night, and drove her home, then today i went to the grocery store and bought her somethings and brought them to her. she doesnt have cancer like they were thinking, she just had a nerve issue. which is defnetly way better then having cancer. my best friend isnt doing that good, i called to check on her today, and her relatives said that she isnt doing good at all, she cant even drink water without throwing it back up, and she has been having chills and fever. evidentally she isnt recovering as quickly as she thought that she would from this gastric bypass. they said that they were taking her to the doctors tomorrow, so i will have to call tomorrow night and see what the doctor said. i will update tomorrow hopefully.
havent heard from HIM since wednesday night when i finally got tired of him calling and texting him 2 days in a row. not that i am surprised by that, i am trying to be happy about it, because that is what i need. (not what i want). what i want is for everything to back to the way that it was like in aug of last year, but that of course is never going to happen. even if me and him werent having problems when the hurricane came and blew away our house, he still would have been in another state on vacation at that time. and when he didnt have a house to come back to, i dont know what he would have done. he might have done the same thing that he did. i guess that i will never know now.
my husband has made me exceed the stress level that i had the yesterday because of him. now not only did he get fired from his night job on i think it was last thursday night. he supposedly has a new night job that he is supposed to be starting at this coming thursday which means that for his night job he is going to be short a weeks worth of pay. and now he said that his day job doesnt have him on the schedule again until saturday night. so that is very not good, because that means that he will be short a weeks worth of pay from that one too. so this is really not good. even though he said that the day job said that they might a scheduling error, and that they would fix it, and probably need him other days. i really hope so. ever since he came home tonight, he has been really weird. he said that it is just his back and head hurting him, but it is something more, i can tell. he is very hyper, isnt sitting still, then if he is still, he is laying down, not moving. so i kept asking what was wrong, and he finally said that he was a little stressed because he was working a lot slower then he used to, and he wasnt sure why. so i asked him if maybe it could be a couple of different things, but he wouldnt even let me finish. and just kept saying now i dont want to talk about it. and that was it, he wont talk about it anymore. which is so aggravating. if he isnt doing good at work, that affects me too, because not good at work=fired, fired=no money to pay bills. no money to pay bills=no home. again. i really dont want to play with that. why cant life ever be simple?
update on my grandmother, she is out of the hospital, i picked her up friday night, and drove her home, then today i went to the grocery store and bought her somethings and brought them to her. she doesnt have cancer like they were thinking, she just had a nerve issue. which is defnetly way better then having cancer. my best friend isnt doing that good, i called to check on her today, and her relatives said that she isnt doing good at all, she cant even drink water without throwing it back up, and she has been having chills and fever. evidentally she isnt recovering as quickly as she thought that she would from this gastric bypass. they said that they were taking her to the doctors tomorrow, so i will have to call tomorrow night and see what the doctor said. i will update tomorrow hopefully.
Dreams Dreams Dreams
i dont know what is with me and constantly dreaming and remembering my dreams which is something that i hardly ever did, but last night again i had a dream and i remembered a good amount of it. now of course i dont remember that much of it, it is a good thing that i wrote down a few good points from it, or i wouldnt have remembered any of it. i should start to keep a pen and paper near my bed like i used to for when i had a dream and wanted to remember it, or for when i remembered something that i needed to know. so anyway, my dream was again about HIM. my dream was HE called me, and said something about him having to leave, and that he had already been here a month, and that i had been warned that he would be leaving so i shouldnt be that upset about it. but i was crying, and i remember that my parents were somehow involved i was probably crying to them, and then i think his brother was in the background like telling him to hurry up or something. and then he said something about having balloons for when he went away, and he also said that he knew that it was a couple of days late, but he wanted to apologize for forgetting our anniversary. and that was all i remembered. i guess that even though i am trying to keep him out of my mind he is still in my subconcious mind. because all these dreams, and all of them being about him are starting to freak me out.
Poem---I'm Sorry
How many people in this world want to hear I'm sorry,
but never hear it.
They long to hear apologies for things that have been done to them,
or for things that they feel were wrong.
But they don't.
When you do hear apologies,
it seems like they are not the ones that you want to hear.
First, there is the apology, I'm sorry I never meant to hurt you.
Then there is the apology and promise,
I'm sorry, and I promise that it will never happen again.
Personally I am sick of hearing I'm sorry.
I have been hearing I'm sorries from certain people so often,
I am tired of it.
It doesnt mean anything to me when i hear it.
It is just words.
Because even though it is said, it isnt meant.
The same things keep happening over and over.
Some people are good at saying something,
but not meaning it.
It is just words, and it is not followed through.
I don't want to hear the words anymore,
I just want to see it happen.
What is making me very unhappy,
is that I am not seeing it happen.
And not seeing it happen,
is going to cause me to make some very important decisions.
but never hear it.
They long to hear apologies for things that have been done to them,
or for things that they feel were wrong.
But they don't.
When you do hear apologies,
it seems like they are not the ones that you want to hear.
First, there is the apology, I'm sorry I never meant to hurt you.
Then there is the apology and promise,
I'm sorry, and I promise that it will never happen again.
Personally I am sick of hearing I'm sorry.
I have been hearing I'm sorries from certain people so often,
I am tired of it.
It doesnt mean anything to me when i hear it.
It is just words.
Because even though it is said, it isnt meant.
The same things keep happening over and over.
Some people are good at saying something,
but not meaning it.
It is just words, and it is not followed through.
I don't want to hear the words anymore,
I just want to see it happen.
What is making me very unhappy,
is that I am not seeing it happen.
And not seeing it happen,
is going to cause me to make some very important decisions.
Saturday, February 04, 2006
The Destruction Update
well my husband came home from work, and luckily he wasnt that pissed. which was good. i think there was two major things that softened him up. the first thing was that he had never liked that pull up shade blind that was there anyway, because it never did work quite right. and also after i told him my daughter was there, and she said to him daddy why are we getting rid of the dog. and he said why do you want to get rid of him. and she said in like this little voice, no. so he said well i never said we were going to. so long story short, we arent going to get rid of him right now, but if he messes anything else up he is in serious trouble.
i have been having dreams again that i am remembering, and i havent woken up and remembered a dream in a long time. and what is weird is that the dreams are always along the same lines. this time the dream was where talking about when was the best time to move my things and i was talking to HIM and he suggested a day and i said no that wouldnt be a good day because my husband would be there. so we started talking about other days. the idea was that i would be moving in somewhere with HIM again. the last time that i talked to HIM was on wednesday night, and i am not planning on calling him unless he calls me first like last time. i am trying to distance myself from him. and i am pretty sure that from the way that our conversation was and the underlying tones that i had in my voice when i was talking to him, that he wont be calling anytime soon, which is good. i need to get some distance. and make us further and further apart. there is no point in torturing myself with something that he has time and time again told me wont happen.
my husband has a replacement 2nd job to replace the first one that he got fired from on thursday night. it is supposed to be starting for him on thursday. so that is good. i just hope that this one lasts. this morning he made a mistake, a pretty bad one at his only job that he has right now, and he thought that they were going to fire him. so he was getting ready to just quit. so i had to talk him into staying. and it turned out that his mistake was fixed, and it really wasnt that much of a big deal. i just am having such a hard time dealing with all this stress. i shouldnt have to constantly worry about making sure that he has his jobs and that his bills are going to get paid. that is something that i have never had to worry about before, i wish that i didnt have to worry about it now.
i have been having dreams again that i am remembering, and i havent woken up and remembered a dream in a long time. and what is weird is that the dreams are always along the same lines. this time the dream was where talking about when was the best time to move my things and i was talking to HIM and he suggested a day and i said no that wouldnt be a good day because my husband would be there. so we started talking about other days. the idea was that i would be moving in somewhere with HIM again. the last time that i talked to HIM was on wednesday night, and i am not planning on calling him unless he calls me first like last time. i am trying to distance myself from him. and i am pretty sure that from the way that our conversation was and the underlying tones that i had in my voice when i was talking to him, that he wont be calling anytime soon, which is good. i need to get some distance. and make us further and further apart. there is no point in torturing myself with something that he has time and time again told me wont happen.
my husband has a replacement 2nd job to replace the first one that he got fired from on thursday night. it is supposed to be starting for him on thursday. so that is good. i just hope that this one lasts. this morning he made a mistake, a pretty bad one at his only job that he has right now, and he thought that they were going to fire him. so he was getting ready to just quit. so i had to talk him into staying. and it turned out that his mistake was fixed, and it really wasnt that much of a big deal. i just am having such a hard time dealing with all this stress. i shouldnt have to constantly worry about making sure that he has his jobs and that his bills are going to get paid. that is something that i have never had to worry about before, i wish that i didnt have to worry about it now.
The Destruction
so i came home today from running a few errands, and i was only gone for about 3 hours, or a little bit less. and i walk in my door and my dog, has destroyed the pull up blinds that were on covering my sliding glass door in the back. why i dont know. he must have been trying to jump up and chew on them, and he pulled almost the whole thing down off the wall, and all the strings broke that was holding up the attachment. so now, i dont have anything covering the sliding glass doors in my living room, so anyone walking by can see inside my house. so my first thought is to replace and buy another vertical blinds for it or something like that, but then what if he destroys them again? considering that i dont even know why he destroyed them in the first place. 3 days a week i live him alone to go to work , and i am usually gone for like 11 hours. this time i was only gone like 3 hours, and this is what happened. i know that we did have a big storm while i was gone, maybe that upset him, i dont know. what i do know is that when my husband comes home from work he is probably going to flip out. he didnt like the dog in the first place, so this definetly is going to make that worse. i dont know what i am going to do about this. other than this, he is such a good dog. he just did something like this 2 times before this, and we couldnt figure out why. i have had him for a total of like 6 months, and he has done something like this 3 times. so like an estimate of every 2 months, he does something like this. i really dont know what to do. i know, like i said before, that my husband is going to flip out. i love this dog like he is one of my kids, he is such a lovable dog, it is just this one thing that he does every once in a while. maybe if i make sure that he has some bones to chew on, and buy that bitter spray that you can put on things to prevent the dog from chewing them. i dont know. just what i needed another thing to stress me out.
Friday, February 03, 2006
"When it comes to being lucky, he's cursed, when it comes to loving me he's worst"
sung by Sheryl Crow
well i am tired and ready to go to sleep, isnt that sad it is so early too! but anyway, just thought i would do a brief update now, and i will have a lot more to say tomorrow. my grandmother just got released from the hospital, i picked her up and drove her home. she didnt look well, i think being in the hospital took a lot out of her. that and she is about 75, so she isnt young anymore. thank god, she didnt have cancer though. my friend who had the gastric bypass who is like my best friend isnt doing that good right now, apparently she is having a hard recovery.
i did keep to what i said regarding HIM, i didnt call him. he called me twice on tuesday and i didnt feel like talking to him so i didnt answer my phone, and then on wednesday he texted and called me, and i finally called him back. and one comment he made in the beginning was i was worried about you i hadnt heard from you in a while, so i said you said that you were going to call me. and he said i didnt think that i did. and then he said well i guess i am just so used to you calling me from before all this happened. so then i said quite sarcastically and seriously well i dont call you cause i dont want to cause any problems with you and your girlfriend.
on another subject, i knew that it was going to happen. and it did. i knew that my husband who was working 2 jobs was going to lose one of them, i saw it coming, and sure enough it happened. he said that they fired him because he wasnt cut out for their company. or some stupid reason like that. more details tomorrow on all this. i gotta get some sleep.
well i am tired and ready to go to sleep, isnt that sad it is so early too! but anyway, just thought i would do a brief update now, and i will have a lot more to say tomorrow. my grandmother just got released from the hospital, i picked her up and drove her home. she didnt look well, i think being in the hospital took a lot out of her. that and she is about 75, so she isnt young anymore. thank god, she didnt have cancer though. my friend who had the gastric bypass who is like my best friend isnt doing that good right now, apparently she is having a hard recovery.
i did keep to what i said regarding HIM, i didnt call him. he called me twice on tuesday and i didnt feel like talking to him so i didnt answer my phone, and then on wednesday he texted and called me, and i finally called him back. and one comment he made in the beginning was i was worried about you i hadnt heard from you in a while, so i said you said that you were going to call me. and he said i didnt think that i did. and then he said well i guess i am just so used to you calling me from before all this happened. so then i said quite sarcastically and seriously well i dont call you cause i dont want to cause any problems with you and your girlfriend.
on another subject, i knew that it was going to happen. and it did. i knew that my husband who was working 2 jobs was going to lose one of them, i saw it coming, and sure enough it happened. he said that they fired him because he wasnt cut out for their company. or some stupid reason like that. more details tomorrow on all this. i gotta get some sleep.
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