Birth Plans? The Birth of Cameron Michael

i was pregnant due on the 28th of june according to my doctors office calculations, and i was doing okay, dont get me wrong i had all the symptoms of being far along in the pregnancy, hardly any appetite, no energy, all of that, but i wasnt doing bad. and ironically enough my boyfriend ended up taking the time off work to go to the labor and delivery classes with me that were given by my doctors office. but you will see why that was so ironic after reading this. then the monday before i was due (the 23rd) me, my boyfriend, kayla, and frankie all went shopping at the mall, and several other places, even went out for dinner at a restaurant in the mall too. at one of these stores we bought a mat for the front door because it is tile in our living room where you walk in and we didnt have anything there to dry your feet with and it had been raining. so we get home from doing all of this, my boyfriend walks in ahead of me, with the mat that we just bought, and i walk in behind him, and the floor is nice and wet, and i slip and fall, landing on my butt with my left leg twisted under me. so when i am finally able to speak because the pain in my leg is so bad, i tell my boyfriend that we need to go to the hospital. not because i think i am in labor or am feeling anything from that area, but because i want the baby checked to make sure that he is okay and that the fall didnt injure him. (because lets not forget i am like 39 weeks and 2 days pregnant right now). so we go to the hospital, dropping kayla and frankie off first at my boyfriends parents house, and they monitor the baby for four hours, and determine that everything is fine with him in that respect from those monitors. they also determine that i am not in labor even though i am having some "uterine activity". they also check me and tell me that i am not dilated, i am only at like 1 cm which is nothing. they also did an ultrasound on the baby to check him in that way too. they tell me everything is fine they want to release me, and have me go to the emergency department to have my leg checked out, and that i can have an xray if needed. so i talk to one of the midwives in the practice before i am released, and she tells me that when they did the ultrasound of the baby, that they found a cyst or cysts on his kidney or kidneys, and that was something that was going to have to be followed up on immediately with a perinatologist with a higher level ultrasound. so now me and my boyfriend are very worried, and we still had to go the emergency room to have my leg checked. which is in horrible pain. so we do that, they xray it and tell me that nothing is broken and i have a sprained knee, and they give me a knee immobilizer to have it in, which is basically from your very upper thigh to your ankle and you cant bend your knee at all, they also gave me a walker to use. and no pain medication. you ever see an extremely pregnant woman using a walker. yeah, the amount of looks that you get from that are amazing. so i hobble around like this for a couple of days, in horrible pain, and miserable as hell. my boyfriend took some time off work, knowing that i couldnt be left by myself. okay so for the next few days i hobble around on my walker, in a lot of pain with my knee. then on wednesday i go to my obgyn appt (the 25th) and see my midwife. she consults with the doctor, who says that i am 2.5 cm dilated but that i am not ready to be induced or anything like that yet. she said that in her opinion i would probably go into labor on friday. (the 27th). so we left there, (the whole day and night kayla and frankie are not home) and my boyfriend gets his truck from his dad, and we go off roading (sort of), not that it was really an off road track or anything, but my boyfriend from several really bumpy locations. so he did that, trying to get me to go into labor of course. we also went out to eat for a nice dinner at cheesecake factory. the next morning, i wasnt feeling that well, i had a fever, and was starting to have pains. (which i thought could be contractions). so in the afternoon i decided that we better go to the hospital, so we took kayla and frankie (who had been dropped off for us in the morning) to my boyfriends parents house, and we went to the hospital. when i got there the nurse in the labor and delivery didnt seem to think that i was in labor, she kept saying that she thought that it was that i had a bladder infection and that was causing the fever and the pains that i was feeling was just from the uterus being irritated. so she called one of the doctors in my group of doctors (which also happened to be the doctor that had delivered kayla) and he said that he wanted me to be admitted, which then meant that one way or another i was having the baby then. so the nurse told me all this puts me in a private room, and tells me that the doctor will be coming to see me in a few minutes. so the doctor comes into the room (same doctor that delivered kayla) and tells me that it seems that i am having contractions, but that the contractions are doing nothing (i am still the same 2.5 cm dilated) and that if i was going to have the baby natural that i would probably have a very long and painful labor. and also that because i had the fever and that they didnt know why it could pass to the baby, or something could happen to the baby. he said that if my labor was progressing well that he would have let me have the baby naturally, but being that it wasnt, that it was best for the baby for me to have the baby now, by csection. so i said okay, its best for the baby then that is what i have to do. so in almost the blink of an eye, they got me ready for it, got everything ready for it. and i found myself on the operating table, getting a needle in my back to numb me from the waist down. and i was laying there, awake, and having a panic attack that is how scared i was. so then my boyfriend came in the room, and was sitting next to my head behind a screen. and then i heard them say the babys out, its a boy, and almost the same time i heard him crying. my boyfriend actually got to see him come out, i didnt get to see him at all, they took him to NICU and said that he would have to stay there for a few days because he was getting antibiotics because they didnt know what was wrong with me and werent sure if i had given it to the baby. so this was a shock to me, because not only did i get a csection but my baby wasnt going to be in the room with me. so i was in the recovery room for about an hour and a half or two hours, and finally they brought me upstairs to the mother and baby ward, and i got to see the baby in the NICU on my way to the mother and baby ward. and i got to hold him and everything. Cameron Michael, born 6/26/08 @ 7:01pm, 8 lbs 15 ozs 21 inches length. i couldnt believe how big he was. but then i had to leave him and go to the mother and baby ward. which was upsetting. but it was for the best for cameron, so that was that. the recovery in the hospital for me was really hard. i was in a lot of pain, amazing amounts at times it seems, so that i would try to stand up and start to cry. and then lets also not forget that i had the sprained knee that hurt also. i tried to see the baby as much as i could, but between having to wait for someone to take me in a wheelchair or trying to get there on my own, it was a challenge. i think i did pretty good though, usually every 3 hours to feed him, except for the first night, i was out of it. the first night i also had the bandage over the incision, an iv in with the pole that ran constantly, and also a catheter in. yuck. 24 hours after the surgery everything came out except the iv stint because i still had to have antibiotics. they did an ultrasound on the baby and said that one of the tubes from his kidney was enlarged (bigger then the other one) and they did another test and said that it wasnt going back into his bladder which was good. so on saturday night they said that they had finished giving him his antibiotics and also that they had finished doing the tests that they wanted to do on him, and that they wanted us to follow up with a pediatric urologist, and have them do another ultrasound on him and see it again. so they said that he could be released the next morning (on sunday). and my doctor had said that he would be releasing me the next morning too, sunday. my fever had went down and had stayed down for 24 hours, so they said that i could be released. the doctor then ended up doing my csection was the same doctor that had delivered kayla, and he was actually assisted by another doctor in the same practice. so i actually had the two doctors that i was familiar with do the surgery on me. so anyway, when they told me that the baby was done with his medicine and testing and that they were going to be releasing him in the morning, i asked if they could let him room with me in the mother and baby ward, instead of being in NICU without me. so they said okay, and at around i think it was 5 or 6pm that night, the baby came to room with me for the night, and then we both got released the next day in the afternoon. so that just goes to show you, there is no such thing as a birth plan, i had an idea in my head of how things were going to go, and how i wanted things to go, and nothing like what i had thought of or planned happened. the only thing that did was what mattered the most, and that was that i had a healthy baby. and me and him in the end were fine. we havent been to the pediatric urologist yet, i have a name and number of a doctor who does that, and i have to set up an appointment with them for the baby, i am hoping to have that done tomorrow.

Of Course.......

so okay, of course my boyfriend is a man, and i couldnt actually expect him to not have sex with me for more then a few days. he looked in the boxes that are remaining in our bedroom for the ky jelly, of course couldnt find it, but then he gave up on looking for it and decided to just go for it. so i let him, and of course it wasnt as comfortable at all as it would have been with the ky. so i bought it at the store, and gave it to him to put somewhere where it wouldnt be lost. the interesting thing is lately, i am not having orgasms at all with having sex with him, probably because of the limited positions that we can do it in, who knows. but he seems to want it more and more then usual. i dont know. and of course it isnt good for me like it is for him. at all. sigh. i hope that it is the position issue with us, and that is why i am not having orgasms, i hope that this isnt a problem different then that, because then once the baby is born we would still be having the same problem. well i guess that we will have to wait and see.

i had a consultation with the lawyers office that i was talking about in the previous blog, they got back to me the next morning, and we went and spoke with the lawyer in the afternoon. in short, the way that she is making it sound, is exactly what me and mike were saying before we spoke with her, which is that unless i get a lawyer the case is going to remain stuck in the same place that it is now. which is going nowhere. mostly because of frankies dad and his lack of doing absoluetely anything in the case. sigh. great, just great. so she said that it would be $1750 retainer fee for her. so she did say that she would accept a payment plan for the retainer fee, which is good, because there is no way i had that all at once. so i told her that me and my boyfriend would have to work that out, and that we would call her back in the morning with the plan of what we could do. so i called her back the next morning (friday) and told them that i could do $500 down and a $100 a month, so they said that they would draw up the papers for me. and that they would call me when they were ready. so i havent heard anything yet, but it has been the weekend, and tomorrow is a holiday. so hopefully tuesday i can sign everything, give them the down payment, and get this thing started. because i really need to. for a lot of different reasons. she also said that if things proceeded without complications and that frankies dad didnt fight, that she had done simple divorces where it was only $600 or $700 dollars, so hopefully that is the case, because that way whatever isnt used of the retainer is returned to the client. (i have to confirm that with her, but that is what the definition of retainer fee is). as it is, to pay the $100 a month to her as the retainer on the payment plan, it looks like i am going to have to not pay my credit card bills, and therefore default on all of them, so there goes the credit that i was trying to work towards getting better. but right now getting a lawyer to get this done is so much more important.

mike for some reason i have no idea why, brought up an interesting subject last night, he started it off with the sentence, that if and when we got married that we were going to need to save up some money before we did. so i said to him what do you mean if, and he said that he knew that i loved living with him, but that he wasnt sure if i ever wanted to get married to him. so i asked him if we never got married if it would really upset him, and he said that it really would. and that was about it for that subject. everytime i tried to bring up the subject after that, he would try to change the subject or fall asleep or say he was tired and it wasnt the time to discuss it. so i dont know what is up with him.

on another subject, i got good news a few days ago, my aunt and uncle, who have lived at least 4 hours away from me and also my mother of course for many years, probably from before i was a teenager, has been trying to sell her house for over a year. and she wasnt able to sell it, and her contract ended with her realtor, so she took it off the market, and i think that she basically resigned herself to the fact that she just wasnt going to move. which upset us, because we wanted her to move from where she was, because it will be better financially for her and my uncle but also because she wanted to move close to me and my mom too. well the good news that we just got was that she has a contract on her house to close in a month, turns out one of the realtors remembered that she was trying to sell her house, and had an interested client, and she called my aunt and asked if she still wanted to sell it, so my aunt said yes, the lady came and saw the house, and that was that. she got the contract on it to buy it. so my aunt was looking for a house to live, near my mom, and it turns out that she found a condo that she really likes which is 2.4 miles away from me, or something insane like that. the only thing is that she got it inspected and the inspector found a mold and mildew issue from a current leak that is in the bathroom, so my aunt of course told the realtor that she wanted it fixed by the owner or she wasnt going to take it. so she is waiting to see what the owner says, she said that it was owned by an estate, and being that they are paying every month on property tax and association fees, hopefully they will just fix it and she can buy it. we will see.

what final subject and then i swear that i will be done for the day......i have less then 5 weeks to go....i think that as of today i have 33 days until my due date according to the date given to me by the ultrasound. but what annoys me is when people come up to me and say ohhh wow look at you, when are you due, or something like that, and i tell them that i am due june 27th (using the same ultrasound date) and they say wow you are so big i thought that you were ready to pop anyday now. or the ever wonderful wow you are so big, is this normal for you? is this how you were the with the other kids too? i thought you were ready to give birth anyday. sigh. there has been times i have been so ready to say yes this is normal for me, it is because i was overweight when i got pregnant this time, and i wasnt the perfect size 6 or even size 10 at the time that i got pregnant. and i can probably guarantee you that i am not going to be a size 6 at any other points in my life, it will take lots and lots of exercise and dieting just for me to get to where i was before i got pregnant with frankie (the second pregnancy). so yeah i was overweight and most of it was probably in my stomach, which might be why i look so big right now, because i have the extra body fat plus the baby tummy. i dont mind people asking when i am due, but when i tell them please stop with the comments about me being big. geez.

the perfect man---warning

okay, so we have all established that the perfect man just doesnt exist. we all know this very well. but here is the question. what do you do when a man who seems to do good in most other departments just has a few other issues that dont work for you. i am not even going to go into the sex aspect of it right now, first i would like to say something else that really bothered me lately, you know aside from the fact that he was basically ignoring me whenever he was around. now dont get me wrong, i understand that he of course has to work to pay all our bills, that is fine, but when he is home a little bit of attention instead of absent minded uh-huhs would be nice. seemed the only time that wanted to touch me was if he wanted to have sex. (more about that in a little bit). then there is the fact that i had been asking him about going to a labor and delivery class with me, being that he has never been through it before, thinking that way he could know what to expect and also know what to do to help me. he took time off work for his nieces (goddaughters) confirmation dinner, and actual confirmation, and also said that he was going to try to take time off work for frankies graduation from preschool, which is nice....and good....but when it came to the labor and delivery classes, (which is only two nights total, and only for like three hours) he said that the way that things had been going with his work that he didnt want to take any more time off work. but yet he hasnt asked off yet for frankies graduation, and he himself voluntarily said that he would take that off work, he didnt even ask if he should go, or if i wanted him to go, or nothing like that. so what the hell. i guess that the classes that i wanted him to go to with me, just didnt rate? i really hope that when it comes down to it, and i am in labor that he is there for me. because i could just see him in a panic, not knowing what to do, and being all nervous and worried about it, because he isnt going to know what is normal or not normal, and then getting me upset because of the way that he is acting. and that is of course aside from the fact that he is supposed to be the one comforting me, not the other way around. and then there is of course the sex issue with him. i havent had an orgasm in i have no clue how long, because the one position that i can now have it in, and at the certain angle that seems to work for me, he whines that it is uncomfortable for him. so it has been a long time since i have had one because of him. i have recently took care of myself, because i was sick of waiting for him to give me something that just wasnt happening but that is enough about that. now dont think that just because i havent been having orgasms that we havent been having sex. oh no, he seems to be perfectly happy doing it the way that he wants to with me, which wont give me an orgasm because it doesnt hit the spot, and then of course there is the fact that it seems it takes him maybe 6 or a little bit more thrusts before he comes and is completely done. so he isnt even taking his time anymore, he is just doing that to finish himself off and feel good and that seems like it is all he is worried about. i put a stop to that though, at least for now, because it seemed that he was so not worried about how i felt about it that, he wouldnt even do much of anything to make me ready to start having sex with him, he just started to try to push it in regardless. and women, yes you know, that freaking hurts if you arent ready. so i told him that until he found the ky that we had a full bottle of, and it was used, that there was no sex for him. i think that it has been at least 2 days if not more since i told him that, and he hasnt found the bottle that i know of, nor has he tried anything either. but honestly, that doesnt really matter to me that much, because when we were doing it it wasnt good for me anyway, and i just didnt care about doing it, or want to a lot of times. i just wanted him to leave me alone. and he has been for the past few days. we will see how long this lasts. but back to my question------what do you do when the man you are with does pretty good with a lot of different things, but doesnt do good in other categories....like sex for example.....do you stay with him for everything good he does do, and just deal with the bad? do you do like some women do, and stay letting him take care of you, but get a man on the side to take care of you sexually? therefore basically cheating on him? a lot of women do that? what should you do? i have no doubts that i can find a man who i can have sex with, and just have him keep doing what he does for us. okay, so i would definetly wait until i wasnt pregnant anymore. but you get my point. i dont know, i just dont know.

the lawyers office did call me up today, late this afternoon, to let me know basically that the lawyer would take the case, and to tell me how much the consultation fee would be. so i tried to ask how much it would be for everything, and she said that i would have to discuss it with the lawyer, so i said fine, set me up for the consultation appointment. so she was trying to set me up for an appointment for the middle of next week, but we couldnt find a date that would go around both mine and the lawyers schedule, so she said that she would speak with the lawyer to see if they couldnt fit me in, and call me back. (this was at 3:30pm). she didnt call me back today. which i think is b.s. my boyfriend said that one of the girls that he works with gave him the number for a lawyer that she used, that was good and reasonable, so tomorrow i am probably going to call that one. because this one is giving me such a run around i feel. and it isnt like i am asking for something for nothing, i would be paying a lot of money for a lawyer i am sure. i spoke with my mom about what frankies dad was trying to do about sending him for a visit, and she completely agrees with me, not that i had any doubts that she would, but still. she feels that if he takes him, he will keep him, and said that i need to speak with the lawyer about it, and see what can be done, maybe have him bring in front of the judge know something saying that temporarily until the case is closed, that he is to remain in my care, and that any visitiation is my choice, and also that he is not to be removed from the state, or something like that, i dont know. lawyers are good at wording those things, but yeah, she also agrees with me about that being another reason that i really need a lawyer.

okay i think that is enough for tonight, i think that i vented and ranted for long enough.

Continued From Yesterday.....

the interesting thing is that my boyfriend is more interested in what is going on with the divorce then i think is normal. i would think that he would be a lot more interested in other things right now, but that is all that he has seemed to be interested in lately. i dont know why, the only thing that i can think of is because he just doesnt want me to be married to anyone else anymore, and then there is also probably the fact that i am not receiving any child support right now, because of course frankies dad wont send anything because he doesnt have an order saying that he has to right now. wonderful man right?

more on the divorce case thing, and how really really frustrated that i am with it:
i called the court regarding the last thing that i filed with them, and i was advised that they didnt see an answer to it, but that they were running late with everything and it was taking longer then usual. but it doesnt even matter, with the way that they have been doing everything that i have been filing, and denying them all, i am sure that they will deny this too. so i tried to call legal aid because someone suggested that i call them, and of course it was the same b.s. that i thought that it would be, with them saying that the only ways that they could help me was if i was the one served or if i was a victim of domestic violence, which i wasnt. and then what made it so much better was when they said that even if i was one of those things, they still wouldnt have been able to represent me, because the other party in the case had called them for help and they said that they couldnt help him, so therefore it would have been a conflict of interest. more b.s. so there went that idea so completely gone. then i tried to call a divorce lawyer to see how much they would charge to represent me, and get the case moving, and the secretary said that she would review it with the attorney and get back to me tomorrow. i hope that it isnt that expensive, and that they can just get it done from here. because i am so done with this whole thing. then i spoke with frankies dad tonight, which just annoyed and made me even more upset. as usual, he has that wonderful gift to do that to me. first he starts off by saying that frankie told him that he was told by my boyfriend that he could call him daddy, so he so completely flipped out about that. which made me really happy that i hadnt given him our actual home address, because that may have eventually let to problems. then he brought up the fact that all of the things that i have been filing with the courts have been being rejected, and that it wasnt going anywhere, so i quite nicely told him that if he responded that there wouldnt be any of these problems. which he said that he wouldnt do that right now, because he was afraid that if he did, we would get a court date immediately and then he wouldnt be able to fly up here that quickly. and then he tried something else with me. he asked me when frankie was done with school for the year and when he would be starting back up next year, so i told him, and he said that he wanted frankie to visit him for a few weeks in the summer. and i said that i didnt think that was a good idea, because i wanted the court case to be completed first, that way it was spelled out who had frankie when. and he didnt like that idea, said that probably when he came to bring frankie back then we could do everything with the courts, and he could respond. i just said that wasnt a good idea. i dont want frankie to see him without me having something from the courts in writing, saying who has frankie and when. because right now, no one has anything in writing, and i am soooo afraid that he would get frankie in the state other then this one that we live in, and then not give him back, and there wouldnt be much that i could say about it, because i have nothing saying that i am supposed to have him by the courts. and i am sure that he knows this too. so i really really hope that this lawyers office that i called today, does call me back tomorrow, and tells me that they will take the case, and also that it isnt going to be that much money, so that we could figure out a way to afford it. because honestly i really think that the only way that i am going to get anywhere with this now, because it is at a total standstill, is to hire an attorney and let them deal with it. it has been over four months and i have gotten absoluetly nowhere on my own. and the person that i spoke to at the lawyers office, looked at the case, and said that i had done absoluetely nothing wrong, and everything right. so i know that it isnt me, it is the court. geez. and now with frankies dad saying that he wants him to come out to visit after school is out, which is only in like two and a half weeks, that puts even more urgency into it for me, because i cant send him there without something in writing from the courts, i just cant. i am so scared that he would pull something and i would never see my son again. so again i really hope that the attorneys office i called today comes through for me, and we can get this going again. and then there is also the fact that i only have 38 days left until my due date, i really dont want to be called for court when i am in the hospital, or after i have just had the baby. so again, i really hope that this thing with the attorney works out tomorrow. the thing with the fifteen minutes for fifteen dollars with the attorney through the courts is nothing, it just seems that they give you legal advice, but that they dont do anything for you. and considering that according to the attorneys office i have been doing everything right, i dont think that there is anything different that they could tell me to do.

Update, Update, Updates

okay, so yeah i havent updated this in what seems like a really long time. okay so first of all, we moved into the house, even though it wasnt even close to being done at the time that we moved in, considering that it still didnt have any form of a kitchen at all. but we moved anyway, partly so that we wouldnt have to spend the extra money to stay where we were, and also because i dont care how good the neighborhood is, if someone gets the idea that you are fixing up the house and putting nice expensive things in it, and no one is there living it, something is bound to happen. well to this date, the house is definetly further along then it was when we first moved in, which was the end of april. it still needs something that is very important to a kitchen, which is a kitchen sink. so we cant cook in the house at all until the kitchen counters are put in, and then the sink gets put in at the same time. you apparently cant have a kitchen sink in without the counter, go figure. there are a lot of other things that are half done, including the doors on all the doorways which have been ordered and not received yet, all the painting downstairs, and a lot of other fixing mending and putting up things. which also have not been done. so needless to say all of that of course is frustrating me. and then there is the fact that my boyfriends dad comes over at least 3 full days a week (full meaning 9-5pm) to work on the house. and annoys me of course. because he interjects in me discipling the kids, which doesnt pertain to him, he is yelling at them to stay out of his way, which it is there house, sorry we have to live here while you are working. and then of course there is the fact that i have just been around his family too much lately, i see at least one of them way tooo much. and they get on my nerves a lot. because they are just too demanding and try to take over everything. which is nothing new, i have had that complaint about them for a long time.

then of course there is the fact that i filed for my divorce jan 11th, and am still not even close to being divorced. i have been given the run around so bad with the courts that it is horrible. they tell me to file one thing, i file that, they tell me to submit this, i submit it, then they send me a letter saying that request was rejected, then when i call them up asking why, they say that they dont know, they dont understand why it didnt get approved, and that was the next step of what i was supposed to do. so i am just getting so frustrated with it i dont know what to do, the only thing that i can think of is what was suggested to me by one person, which was to get one of the attorneys that they have there, for fifteen minutes is $15 to give me legal advice i guess, meaning telling me what to do. it is just so frustrating, he of course hasnt given me child support since we have been seperated this whole time, which is a year in the middle of july, and also in the month and a half now that he has moved to new jersey (a different state) he hasnt sent money at all for child support, being that frankie is living with me constantly and i am supporting him in every way. somehow of course this doesnt surprise me, but still i guess that i expect a little bit better from him, and somehow he always disappoints me. and then of course there is the fact that he hasnt talked to frankie in several days, all because he keeps calling frankie after he knows that it is his bedtime, which is at 8pm. last night he called at 8:30pm, and the night before he called at 9pm. hello? come on, what the hell is wrong with him? never mind i know what is wrong with him. doing too much you know what has rotted his brain. and the fact that i am still married to him annoys me as at is, then there is the fact that isnt required to pay child support right now because there is no order stating that, so hes not. augh. wonderful man right? i know how to pick them i guess.

So Lost.....

i just dont know how to reach kayla. that is how i feel right now. i have been asking her for probably the past two weeks to clean her room, and she was being stubborn and not doing it. so i told her that she wasnt going to anywhere fun or do anything that she wanted to do fun if she didnt do it. she then kept telling me that she didnt care, because its not like i would take her anywhere anyway. so for at least the past week she has been begging me to go to the carnival that they are having at her school today, from 10am-3pm, so i told her starting last night that her room had to be clean for her to go. and she did hardly any of it, which i didnt blame her that much for though because i knew that we were in and out of the house all day yesterday and she also had to go to school too yesterday. so this morning at like 8:40am i think it was, i told her that she had until 11:00am to clean her room, so after 11:00am i came to check on her and see how she had done, and there barely looked like there was any difference at all in her room, and she was busy playing with frankie, so i asked her why she wasnt cleaning and why she was playing, and she said that it was because it was now after 11am and that she wasnt done, so she knew she wasnt going anywhere. so i decided to be nice and extend the time that she had, saying that she now had another 20 minutes to clean her room. i then catch her and frankie eating out tic tacs off the table, which were very clearly not theirs, and they were mike's. so i am sure that he is going to be mad about that, considering that he had just bought them for himself. so i punish them by making them go in the corner, and again tell her that she has 20 minutes to finish cleaning her room. i then see her sitting on the floor of her room playing, and remind her once again tha she only has a little bit of time to get her room clean so that i can still take her to the carnival, and i also have told her before by this point that i really wanted to take her, and want her to have fun, but that she has to have her room clean. she says that she understands, but still isnt cleaning. then to top all of this off, i am in the other room, and i hear really loud banging noises coming from frankie's room. i go and see what is going on, and hear kayla say to frankie look i finally killed it. turns out she was trying to kill a spider that i guess was on frankies wall, and to kill the spider she was throwing shoes and anything else that she could find at the wall. so looking at the wall, there are now black scuffs and big dents and holes in the wall. and there is also writing on his wall, that i know that he couldnt have done, because it is the word "not" actually written on the wall. and i know that frankie cant spell. and to make the things with the wall even worse, we are supposed to be moved into the new place by next saturday. (the townhouse that i wrote about previously that we had really liked and he put the bid on and got the contract on, he closed on the 10th and now it is being worked on having a lot of things done to it, some that need to be done and some that really dont (in my opinion...but that isnt the point right now) what i am trying to say is that with the way that she screwed up the wall even more that is more things that would need to be fixed and cleaned up, before we could even hope to get back our deposit. so basically more work. and with less then a week before we have to move, and with nothing getting done here, like cleaning up or packing, right now everyone is concentrating on the new place. sigh. so that is why i am really upset right now, i am not even really pissed off or mad, i am just really sad and depressed, because i just cant seem to find a way to reach her, and she keeps doing bad things. or not lisitening. i just dont know.

What A Piece Of Crap--Part 2

copied from my space blog.....

To continue the piece of crap saaga with Frankie’s dad---here is part 2

He calls up last night suuposedly to say goodnight to him, doesnt even talk to Frankie yet, without starting b.s. with me. Yelling and screaming at me that he would have to fly down here from new jersey twice (because of the court case), and how is he going to be able to afford that when he doesnt even have a job yet there. How is any of this my problem? With him knowing that he has a court case pending involving his son, why wouldnt he have thought of this before? Because he doesnt think of things ahead of time. And then he tells me that he just might not show up for the things that he has to. Well, that is up to him. If he doesnt want to show up, for something involving him and his son, so be it. And then something I thought was really amusing was his threat with not paying me child support once it was ordered and becoming a deadbeat dad. Even though I didnt say it, which I should have, I just didnt think of it at the time, I already consider him a deadbeat dad. He doesnt give me child support for Frankie, no money to buy anything that Frankie needs, nothing. I dont see a dime from him right now. So what does that make him?

Also on the note of not having his phone number or address of where he is in new jersey, yesterday night he claimed that he had already given it to me, which was incredible to me, because there was no way in hell that he had. So then he starts to argue with me that he had already. Finally maybe he realized that he hadnt given it to me after all, and stops arguing with me, and then he still doesnt give it to me. What the hell? What is his problem? Wouldnt you think that you would give the mother of your child, who takes care of him day after day, at least your phone number so she can contact you in case of an emergency? Nope. Doesnt give it to me. Such a responsible father. I only hope that if he doesnt show up for court when he has to, that the court sees that, and takes that under consideration when it comes to Frankie and his father (regarding custody, child support, etc), and doesnt hold up the court case because of him not showing up too.

What A Piece Of Crap

(copied from my space blog)

most people who know me, know that frankie’s dad is such a worthless piece of garbage that it isnt even funny. but i think that he has sank to a new low. he decided to move to new jersey. he left on the 2nd (wednesday). so he calls frankie before he gets on the plane, and tells frankie that he would call him that night before he goes to sleep. so what happens? of course he doesnt call when frankie is awake to talk to him. frankies bedtime is at 8pm, and his dad didnt call until 9:45pm. and then i had to try to explain to frankie why i couldnt call his dad, which is because i dont have his address or phone number, because he didnt give them to me. so of course he was devasted, and fell asleep crying and sobbing into his pillow. and i couldnt make it better for him. i felt so bad for him, that his dad let him down like that. he did call last night to talk to frankie before he went to bed and wish him good night, but then he got into an argument with me because he didnt have the money that he had promised me for a bill that was due that he had incurred in my name. not a big surprise for me, he is such a piece of garbage. (i am saying this so i dont use any of the other names i would like to call him)



i think that it is so interesting that a man who can be so worthless for everything else, can help produce such a beautiful baby/child. i also think it is interesting that you can love your baby/child so much, and not be able to stand the father. i also think that it is interesting that he has always seemed to be willing to be a part of his life for the fun things like spending time with him and doing things with him, but never to be financially responsible for him.

i am just so thankful right now that frankie has right now two father figures that are willing to step up to the plate, and act as his role models, and then of course he has my father too, who has always been there for him. so i am thankful.

Wow It Has Been A Long Time

well, i just realized when i looked back that it had really been a long time since i had blogged in here, even longer then i thought that it had been. as it stands now with frankies dad, the last that i have heard, is that his flight to jersey to stay with his girlfriends family is on the 2nd of april. so that is that, supposedly. he has already given me all of frankies clothes and toys that he had there for frankie, he also has an eviction that is now pending with the court, they filed for it on the 20th. so it seems that he is definetly leaving. so i am going to have frankie full time constantly, and he is leaving. now he isnt saying anything about visiting once a month, because he is saying something about how much money that it would be, and he is saying something about maybe i can send frankie to visit on spring break and summer break, and that would probably be six months, and that i would have him six months. i informed him that wouldnt be six months, summer is usually two months, and spring break is only like a week or two, and so is winter break. so whatever. he is just trying to say that because he was probably trying to get out of giving me child support, even though he did say something about needing my address so that he could send me money for frankie. lets wait and see if that one happens. i do have news for him though, if he doesnt give me any child support, i am going to do everything in my power not to send frankie to see him, because if he doesnt want to be a father to support frankie financially why should he be a father to see frankie. it doesnt work that way. and especially being that we are in the middle of the divorce, and he still has to go to mediation and eveything else, lets see what happens if he doesnt show up. i dont know what they would do in that case. anyway, me having my saturday night where frankies dad has frankie are going to be over after this weekend. and it used to work out so well too because some saturday nights kaylas dad would have her, so i would have the chance to have the night to myself, either to go out with mike or to go out with one of my friends. so that is now going to be over, oh well, i guess it was good while it lasted. hopefully being that this is going to be the last weekend that i have it like that, i am hopefully going out with my friend, and we are going to have lunch, and shop or movies or something like that. i really hope so, that will be nice especially being that this is going to be the last time for this. and it isnt even like mike could say why am i not going out with him, because he is working until at least 8pm.

we saw a townhouse together i think it was on the 12th of this month, that we really liked, so mike put a bid on it to the bank, it is bank owned because it is a foreclosure. so anyway, he put the bid on it, and they accepted the bid, and he got a contract on it. so the next step was to have it inspected which he did, and the inspector said that he didnt see anything major wrong with it. then he got with the bank that had preapproved him for the mortgage, and they were saying something about it being a condo and that would be 15% down, and he was just planning on putting 5% down. and then they said that even if it got classified as a townhouse that the standards had gotten changed and that it was now 10% down, so he started to panic and get upset and had to contact his parents who were lending him the money, that he was supposed to be paying most of it from his stock that he has with his company, and they said that they could lend it to him for the 10%. so he had to call the bank again, and make sure that they would classify it as a townhouse, which there is no question it is at least in our minds anyway, and they basically said that they didnt think that it would be a problem. so hopefully that goes well, we still dont have a close date, the realtor said that she would be in touch with the title company (with the bank) to see if she could find out when it would be. the townhouse is a three bedroom, two and a half bath, upstairs and downstairs (of course) and it is almost 1500 square feet with a big patio in the front that is fenced in. it is really nice. and that is basically 500 square feet more then what we have right now, which is good too. so just keeping our fingers crossed that nothing else happens and that everything else goes okay.

Wow, it has been a really long time since I blogged

so i am going to try to get caught up as much as i can. first of all, frankies dad had an issue with frankies preschool because he wasnt doing any work for them or paying them, so they were getting upset with him and said that he could only bring frankie for the vpk program only (which is paid for by the state for all four year olds that enroll) which was from 11:30am-2:30pm, and i wasnt going to just bring frankie on my days for three hours and then have to drive all the way back to get him. and also kayla gets off the bus from school at around 2:20pm or 2:30pm so that wouldnt work either. so his dad told me basically to do what i wanted because he was thinking about moving to new york to live, and staying with his family, who he had discussed it with already and they said it was okay. so he basically told me to do what i wanted and do what would be easier for me, so i said fine that would be him getting pulled out of that school, and going to a school right near me for the three hours a day five days a week. so he said that was fine. so before frankies dad had him from saturday night-wednesday, and then i had him from weds to saturday night. and on weds, thurs, and fri he was in school all day. now all that has changed though, he is in school from 8:30am-11:30am five days a week, at a school that is like 2 miles away from my house the most. and i have him from sun night-fri afternoon and his dad can have him from fri afternoon-sun night. so far though his dad hasnt had him the fri night, the first friday was because he said no, he was tired or whatever, and then the other one was because i had an easter egg hunt that i wanted to take frankie too on saturday morning. but who knows if he is actually going to move to new york or not, if he does frankie will live with me, and he said that he would visit him once a month, and stay at his dads house or his sisters house while he saw frankie. but who knows with him because he is so good at talking and nothing happening so who knows. he still his girlfriend living with him, and the last time i heard the two of them were both not working, not that i am surprised about that about him, given his past history.

i am 25 weeks pregnant right now according to my doctors office calculations. i have been feeling the baby moving for a little while now/or a while now and i love feeling it. i went to the doctors office last thursday because i was feeling this itching feeling. so the midwife said that i had a slight yeast infection, i am sure that it is because of the bladder infection medication that i was taking a couple of weeks ago. i thought i might have had one, turns out i probably didnt because the tests said that i didnt have one, but i was told to take the medication to be on the safe side. so anyway, i was told what to do to hopefully take care of the slight yeast infection. i was also told to look for a maternity belt to help with my backaches that i have on and off. so i need to look into that too. i heard the babys heartbeat, just like i have been at almost all of my doctors visits, and the wmidwife said that it sounded good. i love hearing the babys heartbeat and feeling him moving around. we have decided on a name for the baby too, it is cameron michael. everyone who has been hearing about it has agreeing that they like the name too, which is nice, not that i care that much what other people think, as long as me and my boyfriend like it.

Just Deal With It?

i saw my parents today, for lunch, and i mentioned to them that this whole him having his name on everything thing was still bothering me. and i was really surprised by the way that they reacted to it this time. they said that being that there was nothing that could be done about it, just to leave it alone, and basically to stop thinking about it. and my dad started talking about how he was the one that seemed to treat me the best, and he was the most responsible, mature, and the best provider for us. (out of all the guys that i have been with) and that he really didnt think that he would be the one to leave me, because he didnt seem that he was the type. so then i said well what if years down the road we arent working and i want to leave him then, and my parents said something about how they have been together for 30 years, and that there are also a lot of couples who just stay together even though they dont love each other just so they dont lose anything. and i was thinking, is that what they think i should do if that is the case? stay with him, and just deal with it, if there are no feelings there? wow, that is the complete opposite of what it is that they are usually telling me. usually they are the ones that are saying to do what makes you happy, and that as long as you are happy that nothing else matters. so that was really surprising to come from them. i am still surprised. i was so surprised that i called one of my friends to ask her opinion on it, and she thought that maybe my parents just want to see me be settled down and not keep moving around and changing things, and that is why they were saying something like that. i guess so, it is still a surprise to me. but one of the things that my parents did say i can agree with, and that was that there was no point in getting upset and all about it, being that there is nothing that i can do to change it. it is the bank that is refusing to put me on a mortgage, not him. so that is that. there is nothing that he can do to change it, so there is no reason for me to be upset with him. even though i have been trying not to act upset with him, i have been trying to just be upset in general and not take it out on him.

The Other Post? Trust Issues

well, the last time that i put up a post i was intending on blogging a huge amount of things, but it turned out that i didnt cover as much as i intended too, dont remember if it was because i had ran out of time, or because i just got too tired and was falling asleep. but anyway, this post is going to be about what has been really bothering me lately, which is my boyfriend and the mortgage. not sure if i have posted about this before, but my boyfriend doesnt want to rent where we are for another year, and our lease that we are currently in now is up the middle of july. so he doesnt want to renew the lease at that time, he wants to buy a house/townhouse/villa, you get the picture. in the beginning, he wasnt going to put my name on the mortgage which upset me badly because he felt that if it came out in the divorce (which has been filed since the middle of january) that something might happen where it might be an issue. but being that the divorce was already filed in january and the house buying wouldnt occur until like june? july? we didnt think it would be an issue. we had looked at some foreclosed homes and one that wasnt one, in our general area, and in order to bid on a foreclosed home you need to be already approved with a mortgage company and have the letter proving that. which he didnt have at that time. so he called up a bank, to try to get a mortgage, with both of us being on the mortgage. and even though my credit has went up in the past months, from being in the 500's (poor) to being in the 600's (good), they refused to put me on the mortgage, and said that only he would be on the mortgage. all because of something that happened in 2004, that would still showing on my credit as me owing $6000 from a stupid medical bill which must have happened just before i got my insurance. which i think is ridiculous that they are going to fault me for something that happened that many years ago, and refuse to give me a mortgage because of that, which hasnt appeared on my credit since 2004. it isnt like they keep putting it on there, or that it has went to court or anything like that. so i am really annoyed about that fact. so he is of course going to go ahead and get the mortgage and it is going to be only under his name. so that will of course be yet another thing that is only under his name and not mine. just like the saturn car that i pay 250.00 a month on (which is my child support) and also just like the kia minivan. and then last night he gets me even more upset by telling me that once i am able to work after the baby is born that i am going to have to a few days a week, because we are going to need the money for bills. so that upset me even more, even though i havent said anything to him about it yet, because now that is even worse, he is telling me that i am going to HAVE to work, and that it is going to be used for the bills. so i am going to be working, busting my butt, to pay on things that arent mine, a car, a van, and a house. he did say that he was planning on adding me as the beneficiary to his 401K and his stocks that he owns with his company, so that would make me be okay if he died. but i am not even worried about if he dies, i am really worried about if me and him dont work out, and he decides to leave me, or i cant be with him anymore, and want to leave him, then i get absoluetly nothing, except for 30 days legally to move out of the house. i have no rights to anything. i will be left with no home, no money, and no car. nothing. and all of the money that i have been using over the past few months to pay on the saturn car payment, and all of the money that he wants me to make to pay bills after the baby is born will also be for nothing. because in the end, i would be the one getting screwed. and not that i am saying that i completely dont trust him and think that he would do that to me, but you never know. and the fact that every time i try to talk to him about this, he acts like he doesnt understand what i am saying, or acts like he is deeply offended by what i am saying, and then he starts to cry, makes me wonder even more. i dont know, so that is one of the things that has been really really bothering me lately.

the other major thing is of course kayla and her school issues, she had a really bad day yesterday with her homework and saying that she didnt know how to do it. she was up until 10:15pm trying to get it all done, because she kept saying that she didnt know how to do it. it seems she is having the most issues with math and spelling. reading she doesnt seem to be doing that bad in. today she didnt have as bad of a time with her homework, but then again she didnt have even close to as much homework as she did yesterday either. i actually made her study extra on her spelling words that she has this week today, because she has her spelling tests on fridays. and i gave her a little quiz when she was done with writing her words (studying them) and she did really good, only got one wrong. so i really hope that she does good tomorrow on her test. she had a performance tonight at her school, they did three little pigs, and she was part of the chorus, it was basically a musical, i took some pictures, so i will have to download them from the camera and put them on my space page when i have a chance and remember too. she did really good, looked really nice too.

frankie's dad still has his girlfriend who is living with him, and they are still living of course in the tiny place that he has. and it seems to me that he has to rub her into my face sometimes, i have no idea why, it isnt like i am jealous of her or anything and want him back. for example, yesterday he wanted me to go to this lecture at frankies school on add and a drug free approach to it, and i said i could probably go, and he said that if i couldnt or wouldnt go that he would be sending his girlfriend, because he wanted to know what they had to say. so i got annoyed and said that i was his mother, and that i would be the one to go, and that i would go. i dont know if he does it on purpose or if i am just sensitive.

So Many Things To Post About......

i am probably going to end up doing at least 2 or more posts because there is so many things to post about and so many things that arae going on right now it is incredible. first of all, as for frankies dad and the whole divorce thing, he had 20 days to respond from the date that i had him served which was jan 25th, and 20 days from that date was valentines day which was feb 14th. so he decided to wait for the last minute until the 14th to go to the courthouse to respond, only to be told that it was 40 dollars to respond, and he didnt have that money at that time, so he filed a request to extend it, and he was told that if approved he would have another 20 days from that date to respond. so who knows if he was approved or not, i am trying to log into the clerk of courts for my county website, and pull up the case, but for some reason it isnt pulling up the case. so who knows if he was approved for the extension or not, i am sure that he is, so that would put him at march 5th as being his last day to respond. i already told him several times that i dont even care how much money that they would give me for child support, that all that i cared about was having frankie the days that i wanted him for which is sunday night through friday night, that way i would get him back and forth to school with kayla (because he is starting kindergarten next year), and i want to make sure that he is getting his homework done every night and not having any issues with getting back and forth to school each day either. and as far as i am concerned that doesnt have to start until school starts in august, it doesnt have to start right away. we could keep things the way that they are right now until school starts if he wants to. i told him that i would even agree to the least amt of child support that the court would allow as long as i got that with frankie. and he didnt actually agree to it, but he sounded like he might be okay with it. so we will see, that is something that will have to waited on and see what happens. his vpk program that he is in right now ends on june 6th, so from then until when school starts i dont know what he is going to be doing with him. i had talked to the owner of the school that he is going to now, and she said that it would be 150.00 a week for summer camp 5 days a week, or 90.00 for a half day of camp 5 days a week in the morning, and i told his dad that and he thought that was very high, and that he wouldnt pay that. so who knows, i know that i am not going to be able to afford to pay that, and that there would be no need for me to pay that anyway, because i am going to be home anyway. so why would i pay anything? if frankies dad wants him to be in camp because he has to work, let him pay for it.

kayla is still having trouble in school, aggravates me almost every day when she comes home with homework to do that she says she doesnt know how to do. and when i ask her if the teacher explained it to them, she says that she didnt know how to do it, because she didnt understand the teacher. i am talking about mostly math homework here. i have never been good in math, and i am sure that i never will be, so as far as teaching kayla how to do it myself, i cant do that. i am lucky to check her papers and tell her if she got something wrong. so like today, she comes home with math homework that she has no idea how to do, and i have no idea how to teach her to do it, and then she doesnt even make matters any better because she whines at the top of her lungs, is very obnoxious and annoying and rude, and mouths off constantly. it is incredible, it really is. and then she keeps not doing things in school like she is supposed to, like writing down her spelling words off the board, instead of writing the 13 words that she gets every day, she wrote down either 5 or 6 of them today, and told me that she didnt have enough time to write all of them off the board. and then because she didnt write them all down, she cant complete the other part of her homework today which was to write her spelling words 5x each. so that is what i am dealing with her, she has been incredible.

Well He Made Up His Mind About Something

i have to give him a huge amount of credit, he did something very surprising to me. not only did he make up his mind about something major that we had been discussing for a while (which was getting a minivan and trading in one or both of the cars to do that) but he actually did what he decided to do also. we went to a kia dealership near us yesterday, to see what they would offer us to trade both of our cars in, and get one minivan. therefore of course bringing us from two cars to one car which would have stunk. so we went to the dealership, looking at the kia sedona (which is kia's minivan) and we started talking to them about trading the blue saturn (which was mike's) in and getting the minivan. we were looking at 2006 sedonas, there were about 6 of them on the lot, and they all had about 23,000 miles on them, or around that. and the salesperson told us that we would have the balance of what was left on the warrantys, which is 60,000 miles or 5 years, so us having whats left, would give us 3 years or 37,000 miles on it, which is warranty that made me happy, that is a bumper to bumper warranty. and considering that it is a pre-owned vehicle that is good. so anyway, about 5 hours later, we ended up making a deal with kia to trade the blue saturn in (therefor keeping the silver one that was mine, which my boyfriend will now be driving, and i will be driving the minivan) and they did a good deal for us. they paid of the loan on the blue saturn, and then some, and i felt that they gave us a good price on the sedona. my boyfriend was paying 300 a month before on the saturn, and this only made it go up to 337 a month, which i didnt think was bad at all. especially considering that the other dealership that we had went to previously had wasted our time completely, telling us that we were owing to much on the saturns to do it. so of course, i am very happy that went to kia, and they were really willing to work with us, which felt very good. so i am now a minivan driving mommy again, it has been probably about three years since i have been one. i like it, the amount of room and space in there is great, and the fact that the third row seats fold down is awesome. it was really what we needed. i know that he did it for me, to make things easier for me, and i have to say that it changed the way that i have been acting towards him more. because even though it is really easy for me to get frustrated with him, and annoyed with him, all of the things that he has done for us, the kids, me, you get the idea, he didnt have to do, and yet he has. and he works while i stay at home. ever since yesterday, when i am starting to get frustrated or annoyed with him, i am trying to catch myself, because everyone does have their issues, and their things that they do that bother you, but he has a huge amount of good points too. he said that this minivan was my valentines day present, i made a comment to him about not getting off that easy though, and that a little something would still be appreciated, or something like that, i dont know if he is actually going to get me anything or do anything, but even if he doesnt, that is going to be okay with me too. because him doing this was a huge thing.

of course he had to say something funny too, or agree with something i was saying, i forget which one that it was. but something that i told him, and was going to stick too, was that being that he wants another child after this one, that i wasnt going to give him another child after this one, unless their was a minivan or large suv (one that seats at least 7) in my driveway first, before i even thought of conceiving another child after this one. so while we were getting the minivan, and finalizing everything, i said to him now dont think that just because i have the van now means that as soon as i have this one that i am going to get pregnant again immediately. and i also said dont make any comments while i am in labor either, and he was like oh darn i cant. i was like no, and i know that you would have too. and he completely agreed with me, because that is the sort of thing that he would have said too. to be honest, i always said that i wanted three kids, and that was it. after i had frankie, i always said that i wanted another one, and of course i am so happy that i am expecting #3 now. but as for having another one after this one, that would give me four kids. wow. that is a lot of kids. and you never know, if something happened where me and my boyfriend didnt work out, i wonder if he would be there for the kids, and help support them, and do what was right. or if it would be another thing like with frankies dad. i mean if he didnt support the kids, i would of course take care of them, and do what i had to do for them, the same way that i do kayla and frankie. and i wouldnt regret a minute of any of it. because if the father wants to be that way, that is their decision. and i would still love and take care of my kids, and never want to change anything or regret anything. it does make you wonder though.

Super Quick Post

i have been sitting at the computer too long, most likely, because now my back is starting to hurt. therefore, this is going to be a super short post. just wanted to say that i had my sonogram in the morning on wednesday, and the midwife, and the tech who did the sonogram (not sure if he was a doctor or not) both said that it looked good. and in the when i went for the sonogram, and i first got there, the girl taking my info asked if we wanted to know what sex the baby was. so i said yes, as long as we can of course. so then the tech (or doc not sure) also asked the same thing when he was doing the sonogram, so i gave him the same answer too, and my boyfriend agreed with me. so we did find out what sex the baby is, it is a boy!!!!!!! :) of course, it didnt matter to us either way what it was, as long as it is healthy. but it is nice to know now, so when it comes time for us to buy baby things, we know what we can get, like the color blue and boy stuff. we told kayla and frankie that the baby was a boy, and they got excited. then they asked how they knew that the baby was a boy, and then one of them said wait i know, you saw the baby's thingie. which is correct, i actually have an ultrasound picture of it. it amazes me sometimes how kayla and frankie are getting better and better each day at reasoning things out and being logical. anyway, thats all i am going to type for today, my back is starting to hurt, i need a more comfortable chair to sit in.

Make Up Your Flipping Mind

my boyfriend has been driving me nuts the past few days. last night especially. his parents came over, and his they, his father especially, have been trying to push mike into renting a place, i am assuming once our lease is up, instead of buying something, because they are claiming something about the market still going down, and also that he doesnt have the money for it right now too. but that isnt even the best part, the best part is that his dad really, has been pushing him to talk to some guy that lives like four houses down from them, and see if we can sign an extended lease (longer then a year) with him. and after how much my boyfriend has been going on and on about how he doesnt want to rent anymore, and that he wants to buy something, because he feels like he is wasting his money renting, that isnt what he has wanted. and i also said to him what is the point of us moving if we are just going to be paying basically the same thing in rent, and still be renting. why move then? it doesnt make sense to me. his father really pissed me off last night because he was really pushing for us to move right near him, and then when i tried to get into the conversation and say something, he talked down to me like i was a two year old. which is something that not even my parents do to me. so that pissed me off even more then the fact that my boyfriend was just sitting there, and not saying anything. i was so close to telling him off and saying something, it took every single ounce of my self control not to. because then it wouldnt have been pretty, because i would have just let him have it. and my boyfriend too. so when they left i put my foot down, and started going off on my boyfriend. i will not be signing a lease for more then a year, unless the option to buy is in there, and also unless it is a for an incredible price. which i am sure isnt going to happen, because those houses are going for $250k and i think that all my boyfriend could pay would be like 80-100k. so i dont see that one happening. and i told him that he was driving me nuts because he couldnt seem to make up his mind what he wanted to do. and his parents as usual, seemed to push him around. who knows how much of a difference that it made. he did call his dad up a little while after that, and tell him that he doesnt want to sign a long term lease, unless with the rent to buy in there, and for a good price, but who knows if that helped. or what. i am getting annoyed with these people trying to run his life, and also with them offering their strong "opinions" whether it is wanted or not. which i never want it. i make my own decisions and i come to my own conclusions. it was fine when he was single, if he wanted his parents to run his life, or try to, but now he isnt single anymore, his parents being like this doesnt effect just him, it effects me, and the kids too. so that cant happen. i doubt if his little conversation with his father will even make a difference, i am sure that he will be exactly the way that he was before.

tomorrow is my appointment for my sonogram, and then after that i am going to see the doctor. i hope that everything goes okay, and that they dont find anything wrong. i just want the baby to be healthy. everyone has been looking forward to tomorrow to find out what the baby is a boy or a girl, my boyfriend not really, but i think that other people have. and i dont mind if i dont find out what the baby is, i just want the baby to be healthy, thats it. i dont want them to find anything wrong.

i have outgrown most of my clothes, both the ones that we had bought during the beginning of the pregnancy, and the ones that i already had. i only have a few outfits that fit me. and i am getting frustrated because it isnt like i can walk into a maternity clothing store, and just buy whatever i want. because we dont have the money for that, right now we dont have even have the money for me to buy one outfit in a maternity store. the reason that i am annoyed isnt because i am pregnant and am outgrowing my clothes, that is definetly not it, i am happy that i am pregnant. i am just annoyed (with my boyfriend really, because he will spend his money on other things, like lunch, but not clothes for me) that there isnt any money for me to buy clothes. supposedly he was saying that maybe in a week or two weeks i should be able to get some, like $100 worth, which would be better then what i have now. so i really hope so.

I Knew It Part 2

well, for the past few days me and frankie's dad had been okay, we werent really arguing or getting on each other nerves or anything else like that. we were being civil towards each other, is i guess how you could put it. but i just knew that it wouldnt last. he wanted me to call up the paralegal/basically person who just types up the papers for you, and ask her if i could take it back from the courts so that he could just sign the original agreement that i had given him. so i told him no, that i couldnt do that. so he threw a fit, and started yelling and screaming at me and threatening me with all sorts of things, that he was going to get a lawyer, and that i should get one too, and that i was pregnant when i moved out and that he was going to mention that. which he can try that one all he wants because i wasnt, and i can prove that of course. but that wasnt the only thing that he was trying to say. he had all sorts of things to say. like it said in the papers that i had to have my correct address on the papers, and that if i didnt that was fraud, and also that he had received the papers that i had given him originally to review, which he had refused to sign, and that he had been served with these, so he was given two sets of papers. so that was fraud too. and he had all sorts of things to say, one thing that i said that i think pissed him off even more, was that i wanted frankie with me from sunday afternoon to friday night so that he could go to school near me, and have a set school schedule with who picks him up from school and everything, and that he could have frankie from friday night to sunday afternoon. so i think that set him off even more, but i was trying to tell him that it was for frankies best interest. but that of course set him off even more. finally he said i will see you in court, b**ch, so i said fine i will see you there. and then i hung up. that was i think wednesday. after that we have been civil to each other again. we just havent mentioned the whole divorce thing to each other at all. the only thing that he said to me last night was that he guessed that he was going to be going to the courthouse either monday or tuesday. so i was like okay, fine. i dont care, either he responds or i get everything listed in those papers, but i was sure that he was going to be responding. so anyway, that is the update on that so far.

as far as me and my boyfriend, i dont really know what we are like. we had sex like two more times after the last time that i mentioned, the first time he basically climbed on top of me, did we had to do in about five minutes, and was done. that time i could tell all that he was concerned about was getting his and that was it, because you could tell from the very beginning that he wasnt trying at all, all he was doing was rushing to make himself feel good. but that was the first time, the second time he was better, and i actually got to come too. but that isnt even why i was saying that i wasnt sure what we were like. the reasons are that lately he has gotten it into his head even more that he doesnt want to rent for another year, and that he wants to find something and close and move in before our lease is up. i am talking he is really determined. our lease is up the middle of july. so i guess that we will see what happens.

Some Thoughts

i am getting so frustrated with kayla's teacher and her school situation and the fact that she isnt doing what she has to do in school. and then also the fact that the teacher just doesnt seem to care at all. i wrote the note in kaylas planner advising the teacher that i cant do 7:30am on any morning due to having the two kids that are school age presently that need to be ready and get to school every morning, and asked if she could give me another time that she is available so that we can settle on a time that is convenient for both of us. uh-huh, subtle huh? meaning it cant just be convenient for her. so we will see what she has to say about that. i also wrote her in that same note, about the fact that she had written on the planner that there was no signature and no homework from yesterday, well first of all duh how do you expect me to sign it if i dont have it because it was left at school, and the second thing was about the homework, kayla had claimed that she didnt have any, and yet in her planner it said that she had to write her spelling words 5X each. so i asked kayla about that, and she claimed that she didnt know what the spelling words were, and that she had never been given them. so i wrote all of that to the teacher too, so lets see what the response is to that. i really dont know what to do about kayla either though, because it just seems like she doesnt care or want to care about doing good in school, and she doesnt want to do what she has to do either. i tried punishing her all weekend last weekend, by just making her stay in the house and do schoolwork to get herself caught back up, she had no fun at all, just sat at the table all day and did work, or read books which is also part of her schoolwork. but i dont know, i guess that didnt do anything to her, because then yesterday she didnt bring her planner home, and then there was also the no homework incident too. i really dont know. i dont even care about having a meeting with the teacher because i know that isnt going to do me a bit of good, because i have already had a meeting with her once, and you could tell also from what she has written home before, she just doesnt give a you know what. i will tell you one thing though, like i had said before, if she doesnt have any other options for times to meet that are good for both of us, then i am going to have to call the asst principal back and discuss this with her. because it is just fine if she wants me to meet with the teacher, and see if it can be resolved with her, but if she isnt being flexible about when we can meet, then what am i supposed to do? sigh i am getting so seriously frustrated with this whole school, teacher, kayla, asst principal situation, it isnt even funny.

my boyfriend did it to me again this morning, the same thing that he had done on sunday morning, except for one even more frustrating difference. he was just working towards what he wanted, so he came very well in like three minutes probably, and then of course the heck with me. so that was very frustrating.

I Knew It, Sympathy, Annoyance, And Stinking Schools

well, sure enough i had frankie's dad pegged correctly. i knew that it was nothing within his personality that would have him getting served the divorce papers and to not say anything to me about it. sure enough, after i wrote that blog on saturday he called me up yelling at me that he got served my divorce papers on friday night and that there was no way he was going to pay me $480 a month in child support, he just doesnt have it, and especially being that he is a month behind in his rent right now. which i think is interesting especially being that he told me that his girlfriend was so awesome and that she was paying all his bills for him. well, evidentally she isnt doing a very good job of that, if he is still behind on his rent. but anyway, i didnt think to say that at the time, which stinks because that would have been a very good comeback. and then he was saying that there was no way he would pay that much money and that they could take him to jail, he didnt care. which if the judge did order him to pay (because there is nothing set until the judge orders it) and he didnt pay, eventually he would get taken to jail, and then he would still have to pay for all the time that he was there. and then he also tried saying that he was disabled, and i said where does it say that legally, and he of course doesnt say anything, and his answer for that was that he is going to file to be or something like that. which not only does that take forever, but i looked it up to make sure, he would still have to pay child support even if he was, the only thing that would change is that the amount in child support that he would have to pay would be changed, it would be then based on how much he was getting per month in disability. so he thinks that he is so slick, but all the things that he said to try to get out of paying child support dont seem like they are going to work for him. and then finally the last thing that he had to say was that he wanted to settle it out of court again, and that he wanted to sign the paper that i had been showing him orginally the one that he was saying before that he didnt want to sign. of course the reason that he wants to sign that one now is because that one says that he would only have to pay like $130 a month in child support and that he would have frankie half of the time. but of course, that is all changed now, now that i stopped working and also now that i had to file everything with the courts and have him served and everything else. so if he thinks that i am going to have him sign and agree to that now, he has something else to think about. because that isnt going to happen. it looks like now the court is just going to have to decide. which is going to piss him off even more. oh well.

kayla's dad was being incredible today. i went over to his house, at his request of course, to help him with his diabetes. to make sure that his blood sugar was okay, check what he was eating, etc. of course, surprise, surprise, to me he tries his very hardest to get me in bed with him. i mean his hardest. give me a break. i am over there trying to help him because he asked me too, and i am trying to be nice to him, and he doesnt care. all he wants is to get laid, by me. come on. i am obviously pregnant, he knows that i am pregnant, knows that i have a boyfriend, who i live with, obviously we are having sex. and yet he still wants me. i honestly hope that i am never like that, wanting someone that bad who doesnt want me. i felt sorry for him, i really did. not sorry enough of course to have sex with him, or do anything with him, but i did feel sorry for him. i even told him something that i thought was going to piss him off, which was that the letter that he wanted me to write for immigration for him to get his papers, stating that he has been giving me child support every month for the past over 6 years, was going to be written my way and not the way that he wanted me too. he wanted me to write that he had been giving me the full amount of what was ordered every month, which is 526.00, he has only been giving me 250.00 a month, due to an agreement that we made when he lost his job that he had before, that was paying him really good money. so i told him that i was going to write it this certain way, and instead of really pissing him off like i thought that i would, it didnt even really bother him. i think he was just concerned with trying to get me to have sex with him, so i guess at least i picked a good time to tell him that, so i didnt have to hear him yelling at me.

my boyfriend and i actually had sex on sunday morning, i got him when he woke up in the morning, and he was all you know.....before he went to work. it would have been pretty good, especially being that we used ky jelly and it didnt even really burn, maybe a tiny bit, but nothng like it had before in the past. so yeah, ky jelly. i am happy that i had lisitened to the midwife about the ky jelly, and that it helped like she had said that it would. and it is a good thing that i brought it out to use it because the position that he choose to do it in (i told him that he could pick) would normally have probably burned because it isnt a position that is very good for me to be moist in. of course the other thing about that position is that in the years that i have been sex i cant come in that position, i never have been able to. i can get really turned on and ready to, but i never have been able to in that position. so of course i didnt have an orgasm, not that i was mad at him over it, because i did tell him that he could pick whatever position that he wanted to do it in. and he did pick, so i couldnt be mad at him. what i thought was interesting though, was that afterward he actually asked me if it was good for me, and i mumbled something, i just dont know why he would have asked me that when he knew that i didnt have an orgasm. i know that he could tell, because i dont make it a secret when i have one. men, who knows? then he aggravates me last night, when i was watching something on tv, by changing the channel right in the middle of me watching it, and not putting it back to what i was watching. that was rude.

Kayla's school, well not exactly the school in general, more of the assistant principal and kaylas teacher, have been really upsetting and annoying me lately. kayla wasnt turning in her homework or schoolwork in school for about two weeks, and i just found out about it, instead of like three days going by and then them telling me that she hadnt turned in her work, they wait two weeks to tell me. and then i notice that kayla isnt up to where she should be with the work, she doesnt seem to know what she is doing, and also she is writing a few of her numbers and letters backwards and also confusing two letters together. and then on friday she was on the bus and a few other kids were throwing candy in the bus, and it got in her hair, which got me even more upset, because the bus driver doesnt seem to have any control over them at all. so i call the assistant principal up this morning, asking her to set up a meeting, so that i can discuss all of my concerns with her, and i basically get brushed off, with her saying that i need to have a meeting with the teacher first, and then if i dont get any satisfaction then we can all have a meeting together. and when i told her about kaylas problems with her work, and asked her if there was tutoring available or if she could switch kayla into a teacher's class who has less students i was told that tutoring isnt offered because there is no funding for it, and also that there is no other class that has less students. so i was basically completely brushed off by the assistanct principal. then the teacher called me (per the asst principals request) to set up a meeting with me and her regarding kayla. i didnt answer my phone at the time. so the teacher leaves a message on my phone saying that she would love to have a meeting with me, but that the only time that she is available is in the morning at 7:30am before school starts, because she does something else after school. thats it, no other options. never mind that i have things to do before school, like getting two kids ready for school, and to school, but no, i need to do it when it is good for her. and she says to write a note and put it in kaylas planner, saying what morning would be good for me. can you say none of them? so then kayla gets me annoyed because there is no planner in her backpack tonight, she claims that it was in her backpack, but then i guess lord knows what happened to it. hopefully it is still at school. i really hope so. so i am not able to write the note back to kayla's teacher saying that i cant do it at all at 7:30am today, so from the discussion that i had with kayla today, i really hope that she remembers to bring it home tomorrow. and then i am going to write the note to her teacher explaining that in the mornings i have two children to to get to school, and that will never work for me, and what other options are there. i cant believe that the teacher is that inflexible that she is just giving one time that she is available and that is it. she wants it at her convenience and i am sorry that just isnt going to happen. if we cant settle on a time, that isnt that early, then i am just going to have to call back the asst principal and tell her that i tried to have a meeting with the teacher but she is being totally uncooperative and then see what she has to say. sigh.

well, i guess that i ranted and went on and on enough, there was just so many things that went on and are going on, i wanted to put them down here while i have a chance.

Sex? Try Nonexistent.

okay so lately i have been getting really sexually frustrated, which you would think really shouldnt happen if you are living with someone of the opposite sex, especially a man. men are supposed to be really horny right? wrong. not this one. he doesnt seem to care about having sex. i tried to talk to him about it and he doesnt even act like he wants to talk about it. is it me? am i really unattractive to him or something? he was standing by the excuse yesterday that he was just so tired from work, and that the same thing that happened to him the other night that he fell asleep on me would happen again because he was soooo tired. that was tuesday night, he hasnt even made any attempts towards it since, not one attempt. i dont get it. i even made a smart ass comment to him about trading him for a younger model, one that could actually keep up with me being that he cant, and he just said that look what happened with the younger model that i had. and my reply was yeah, but i never had any issues getting sex or having sex with him. (i wasnt referring to frankie's dad, i was referring to matt) he didnt make any further comments, but he also didnt make any moves towards me or seem remotely interested in it either. what is with me? this is the second guy that i have had in a row (frankie's dad being the first) that just seems like they dont care whether they have sex or not. and it isnt even like i want to have sex every day, or two or three times a day, i would settle for at least twice a week. come on. is that too much to ask. and if we arent having much sex now, what is going to happen in upcoming years, if we even make that long that is. because the longer that you are together, the less sex usually that you have. so is that what is in store in my future? less sex then this, it wont exist at all.

then somehow we got on the subject of marriage, which i tried to avoid the subject. i told him what i had told his mother a little while ago, in response to her saying to me oh well, once mike explained that it wasnt that you didnt want to get married now, it was that you couldnt because of not being divorced yet, and i said to her that to be honest even if i was divorced right now, i wouldnt have married him anyway because i was not ready for it at that time. so then he wanted to know if i was ready now, and i dont remember what i said or did, but i somehow changed the subject and didnt bring it up again. my thinking though is if i am already having issues with him (like the one above) then what would the future hold for us?

Kids Say The Darnedest Things?

so me, Frankie, and Kayla were sitting at the table this morning, eating breakfast that i had cooked, with potatoes and eggs, and i got the idea in my head to ask him what he eats at his dads house for breakfast, and he told me that his dads girlfriend cooks him breakfast and not his dad, and that he eats pancakes with no syrup for breakfast and that is it. and that for dinner he eats either pizza, chinese food, hot dogs, or sandwhiches. pretty balanced huh? then i asked him what he drinks at his dads house, and first he said soda, then he said orange and purple milk? huh? i have no idea what he was talking about then. after all of this i was really curious so i asked him if his dads fridge was full like mine or empty and he said that it was empty and that his dad said that the reason why was that once he got his brothers car (frankies uncle) that he would then be able to go to the grocery store and get groceries, and that right now he couldnt. which is not a good excuse at all, how do other people who dont have cars get groceries? they use a bus, ask a friend or family member for a ride, that sort of thing. more and more i really want to get everything done with custody of frankie, and i really want his dad to only have him maybe two days a week (the most if not one day a week) of having him, i dont want him to have the same amount of time that i have him which is 50/50. and then he can also give me the child support that i deserve, and if not he can have his butt thrown in jail, and if that happens i wont shed any tears. he isnt giving him balanced meals at all, he has no food in his house for the kid to eat, which even though frankie does have a tendency to lie or exaggerate i am sure that he isnt lying about that, because that sounds just like his father, and when he was living on his own before. and then of course there is the issue with him not feeding him lunch, and also with the three of them living in that small little one bedroom house and the kid not having any room or space to call his own, which every kid needs. even when him and kayla had to share a room, he at least had an area to call his own, and his own bed that no one else would sleep in but him. and now he doesnt share a room with anyone, he has his own room, and even after the baby is born he is still going to have his own room, because the baby is going to be in kayla's room with her. if i wanted to i could try to get full custody and have him be with me all the time, and just see him maybe once a week or once every two weeks with supervised visitation, but i dont want to take it that far. i dont want to try to get his father out of his life, i just want to make sure that frankie is well taken care of, and i feel that whenever he is with his father he isnt. i feel that it is in the best interest of frankie that the time that he spends with his father be limited.

i was told by the paralegal/document person that i had work on the divorce for me that he was supposed to be served with the divorce papers on thursday the 17th, and that the reason that she knew that was because the server had called her that morning and told her that he would be serving him that day. well, needless to say he hadnt mentioned anything to me about being served, and being that he doesnt know that this is coming, i am sure that he will call me up cussing and screaming about the fact that i had him served and that it says in the paperwork that i am asking for over $400 a month in child support and also the other things that it says in there. and he hasnt mentioned a word to me about anything. which to me means that he hasnt been served. and other people that know him and his personality agree, he would be yelling at me at the top of his lungs, once he got the papers. so i called the same paralegal person back this past wednesday (the 23rd) to make sure with her that he had been served, and she said that he had definetly been served because she received the paperwork back from it. she thought that it was sometime around that thursday, friday or monday (monday being the 21st) she said that she didnt have the paperwork right in front of her at this time. so being that i dont think that he has been served, and also since there is no mention of it on the county clerk of courts website (it says everything else, but not that he was served) i am planning on calling her back up on tuesday of this coming week, and ask her for the exact date that he was served, and then also tell her that i want to come by the next day to pick up a copy of what he signed. or the proof that they have that he was served. then if something happens with that, and she doesnt have that information, then i know that he wasnt served. and then we are going to have to see what has to happen from there.

To Anyone Who Reads This Blog

just wanted to post this here, even though i am sure that anyone who regularly reads this blog, would realize by now what i have been doing. my "real" blog postings, personal ones that i dont want everyone to read, are all on this site. instead of putting pictures and blog postings on here, my pictures are now on my space page. the only blog postings that are on my space arent personal ones they are general ones or surveys or something like that. so to sum it up :) ----------

my space page=all recent pictures, no personal blogs
this blog=all my personal blog, no recent pictures

A Quick Rant

okay so it is 1:30am in the morning and i am still awake? why am i still awake? because my boyfriend did something that he has never really done before. he came home, and was sexually agressive with me. (that is not what i am ranting about, that isnt the issue, i wish that he would do it more). he woke me up from my sleep after he came home from work, and basically teased me for like a minute or two, and then he removed one of my pieces of clothing (trying to keep this PG-rated here), and then he started to have sex with me. well, he was on top of me, braced off of me on his arms of course, and after a couple of minutes (not long) he said that his nose was running and that he had to wipe it or it would drip. so he got up off me, and went into the bathroom to blow his nose. so while he was up, i went to pee in the bathroom. i came back out and he is sprawled in the bed, looking like he is half asleep. so i tried to get him to "wake" back up, by using at least one tried and true method, mmm-hmmm, and that didnt work, he was still mostly out of it. so i gave up, and got up to get something to eat because now i was hungry. and about 2 minutes after i got up out of the bed, he was snoring. which i figured that he would be. so he does something different which was awesome, because he doesnt usually take charge like that, or do things like that, and then he has to go and mess it up. men right? just like a man for you. and i know that he didnt come, so he must have been really tired. but if he was that tired why start something in the first place? sigh. i wouldnt if i was that tired. i am trying not to be to hard on him and i am not really mad at him, because i understand that he does work hard, and he works 50 hours a week, and sometimes his schedule has him working 6 or 7 days in a row before having a day off. so i am fairly understanding. because i know that can be tiring. and he isnt a young man anymore either. hehehe. he is 10 years older then me. anyway, just wanted to rant about that for a minute.

Getting Worse And Not Better

so okay we all know that frankie's dad isnt the most responsible person that we have all heard of, that is for sure, that much is known. but there has never really came a time, at least anytime recently anyway, where i could say that his not being responsible has affected the health or welfare of my son, at least that i knew of, or could prove anyway. but then came last night, and this morning that are really telling me and showing me something. yesterday i went to pick up frankie from school as i usually do on a wednesday, and i picked him at 4:30pm. and he gets in the car, and immediately is saying, i should say whining loudly that he is hungry. so luckily we had actually been planning on getting him something to eat when we left his school anyway, so we get to the restaurant that we are going to eat at, and we sit down, and he is still whining and very upset saying that he is hungry, and i asked him if he had eaten lunch and he said no. so knowing that his father had him in the morning, and for some insane reason had decided to bring him to school late, at like 1pm, i asked him if his daddy had given him lunch, and he said no that daddy had given him only a lollipop and that was it. and then i asked him if he had eaten lunch at school, and he said no that he couldnt. so i was starting to get upset, called his father right then and there, and his father said that he had brought him to school and that he thought it was in time for lunch, and that frankie had probably eaten lunch at school, but that he wasnt sure. so now i am getting really upset, because i am sure that frankie didnt get to eat lunch at all. so i just let it go with his father at that time, because i wanted to make sure with frankies school that he hadnt eaten lunch there. so i talked to the owner/director this morning, and asked her if frankie had eaten lunch there yesterday. and she said that frankie hadnt because he had came to late for lunch. so i explained to her why i was asking her that and she said she didnt see why i didnt have full custody over frankie, and why frank had him the same time as me too. and that frankie needed a stable environment to be in, and that he wasnt getting that from frank. which everyone knows that. so anyway, i called his father and he was being a you know what, and claimed that he had asked frankie if he wanted to eat lunch and frankie had said no, so he hadnt given him any lunch. which isnt the way that it works at all, i always give them something to eat, and unless they are really sick, no matter what they say at first they always end up eating it and that is the way that it should be. so he said that he wouldnt do that, if the kid doesnt want to eat, he doesnt give him food. which is incredibly irresponsible. so i said to him well dont bring frankie to school at 1pm again, because he needs his education and also that way you wont have to worry about feeding him lunch, because the school feeds them lunch. so he said no, he would bring frankie to school whenever he wanted to. and that he didnt have to bring him there in the morning for school, so that right there is another thing, he isnt worried about his sons education or him eating or not he is just worried about himself.

after all of this i called the paralegal who had helped me draw up the papers for the divorce, and asked her being that it had in the papers that he is supposed to be served that it is supposed to be shared custody if i could still get like 75% custody and just let him get 25% or something like that, where he only sees him like 1 or 2 days a week. so she said that i could just explain to the judge that things had changed, and the things that i had been noticing, like this lunch incident and also the fact that he is living in a tiny one bedroom with frankie, himself, and his girlfriend, which is illegal it is only supposed to be two people per bedroom.

i also asked the paralegal about when frankies dad was supposed to get served the papers and she said today. (i talked to her this morning) she said that she had talked to the servers this morning and they had said that they would be doing it today. but i am sure that he didnt get served today because he didnt call me up yelling at me. so i wonder why they didnt serve him today. sigh, oh well.