The Card

this is word for word what the card said that my husband had made and handwrote for me:

The Front:

happy mothers day
for the most special woman i've ever had in my life and best mother

Inside:

i just really wanted you to know i love you with all my heart. and no card in the whole world can have the words i want to express my love for you. i apologize how i dont express my emotions often if ever. but i just want you to know my children have the best mother a child can ever have in every way. and i truthfully mean it from the bottom of my heart not just because its mothers day i know i havent been half as good of a father as you are a mother and i just wanna tell you i love you for every thing you do. and then though you think the way ive been living my life hasnt been the way that a perfect father should it got me where i am today and tomorrow and every day forth will improve for the best. i know you have heard it a billion times over and i am greatful for all your support but you will see for yourself in the next few weeks to come and im making a true effort to better all our lives i love you very much and always will forever. with all the love i can give.
happy mothers day.

----so okay, i read this and one hand it is definetly the sweetest thing that you have ever read, and i immediately felt guilty and upset about the way that i have been living my life, and what i have been doing, because no matter how i look at it we are still legally married, even though he doesnt act like we are, treat me like we are, etc etc. and anyone reading this card would say that he really does want to change and that he is going to be making the effort and getting it done. but the problem is that i have heard all of this over and over so many times that i just cant believe any of it anymore. not even that i cant, even if i really really really tried to, i am just not able to. it isnt even like i am stopping myself from believing i have just heard all of this so many times that i am just immune to hearing and believing it anymore. so now i just need to push past the guilt that this card, and the banner that he put up is giving me. well the card is mostly giving me the banner really didnt give me any guilt. or i have to figure out why i feel so guilty, is what i have been doing that wrong? would it really be considered cheating, when you dont really have any feelings for your "husband" and your husband treats you like crap, is immature, irresponsible, etc. but then he does one really sweet thing like this for you that he hasnt done in probably over a year. i dont know, i do feel pretty bad right now though. guilty bad, upset bad, just bad. then he said to me when he a few minutes ago, if i wanted to have sex with him for mothers day. i basically said no, i am just too tired. i just really dont want to, it holds no attraction to me whatsoever. not interested in the least bit.

i talked to my friend today who the guy stays with, and asked her if i was coming over tomorrow, because i knew that i had mentioned it to her before about me coming over tomorrow night, and she hadnt really said anything. so i mentioned it to her again, and she said are you asking me or telling, so i said both because it is your house and not his. i dont remember what she said, but i think that it was like she didnt care. i think. for the second or third time in like the past two days, she was warned me though about not getting to attached or anything like that because, men from their country are dogs, will turn on you screw you over, cheat on you, etc etc. and she was like and you never know if he has a women in his country who he is with or anything like that. i know she doesnt know about him having anything like that because she would have told me that, but her keep saying it is making me feel really uneasy. like i dont know. not that i want to really fall for him or anything like that, but it is making me want to distance myself even more because i am afraid that i will fall for him and then get burned like she was saying that i would. so more to be scared of now, like i havent been burned or hurt enough in the past, she is basically saying that if i get really attached or fall for him that is definetly what will happen, she is making it sounds like it isnt just a possiblity it will happen. ugh.