Would Haves, Should Haves, And Could Haves

okay so i know that i havent written in a few days, and i have just been busy and involved in several things, that i havent had a chance too. i have been really worried about thing lately, it is really weighing on my mind. for the past like week and a half, or more, my boobs have been hurting me. and i dont mean aching hurting, i mean ow ow owwwww hurting. which is unusual for me, i dont usually get that feeling. so now i am doing the whole oh god, could i be pregnant thing, oh no, shoot me, that would be like one of the most horrible things at least this month and cycle. because i havent you know, only been with my husband this month. i was only with him like once i think, maybe twice, once i had established in my mind that me and the dominican guy were done. and i didnt have sex with them on the same day, or even in the same few days. i didnt even really want to have sex with my husband period, but hey what can i say. primal needs kicked in. so anyway, i ended up having sex with them both the same month. so now i am freaking out about this. i have been taking my birth control every single day this month, didnt miss a day, and also didnt take any medicine that would have messed up how effective that it would be. so i dont really think that i could be pregnant. but i am wondering if i am not pregnant then why this is happening to me. that is the only reason that i can come up with. i wouldnt mind as much being pregnant, under any other circumstances, but under these circumstances, i cant be, i just cant. that would be way too much drama, cause then it would be opening up a huge issue, with parentage, me being possibly homeless that sort of thing. so lets keep our fingers crossed that i get my period in the next couple of days like either tomorrow or wednesday so i can stop thinking about this. and next time, i am going to be a lot more careful and think about what i do first. and also not sex with two different guys the same month. so if i come out of this okay, i will have learned a very valuable lesson. especially being that me and the guy arent even talking to each other anymore, not that we were really talking much then but anyway. i could just see me having to call my friend, and tell her to tell him that i am pregnant and it is his. oh god, that would be horrible. i did talk to that friend the i think it was yesterday, and she was asking when i was going to come over and see her and spend time with her again. i think that she is getting lonely. she said that she started working again which is good. she said that i didnt have to come when the guy was there and see him, that i could come when he wasnt there during the day, like on the weekends when she isnt working. so we said that i was going to go there on this coming saturday morning watch her kids, or at least one of them while she went to work for a few hours, and then we were going to hang out in the afternoon. hopefully my kids are pretty well behaved, because they are of course going to be with me too. but that sounds nice. okay, so about what i was talking about last time. the 40.00 that my husband lent his friend never did get paid back. as i figured and had a feeling that would happen. the friend never did come back with the money that night to give it back to him, and he never did show up to work the next day he actually got fired for stealing. and of course the guys phone was disconnected, he never called him back or anything, and the 500.00 check that he had given him when my husband tried to cash it, the account was closed so there went that. so there you go. i could have told you that. he did end up giving me the 100.00 that he said that he was going to, so that was good. never did end up doing the hotel thing with that guy, i told him friday morning like he had told me that i could, that i was going to be able to do it for saturday night, so he said okay that he would get the hotel room. so i didnt hear anything from him after that. i contacted him that night cause i didnt hear from him, and he said that he was looking for the room. so i went onto the hotel room site that i had been to once or twice before, and they had them available and werent that expensive. so i texted him again and told him about that and how much that it was, and that they had rooms available. so he never texted me back that night at all, and never even answered me. so anyway, that saturday afternoon i texted him to say that if he didnt let me know what was going on, i was going to make other plans, so he texted me back that all the rooms were booked, so i texted him back and said even the one i told you about, and he didnt answer and that was it. i know that place had rooms available, so he was just making excuses because something came up, or he didnt want to anymore whatever. i am done with him, he has frustrated me enough with all this crap, i dont want to even bother anymore. well i did a lot this three day holiday weekend, to make a long story short, on saturday morning i went to my ex's house did some stuff for him (no not that stuff, eww) then we went for lunch with him, then went to walmart and bj's and did some major shopping. then saturday night, i wasnt able to get anyone to go out with, so i went to the movies by myself (that was pathetic, but i didnt want to stay home), then brought home mcdonalds, and ate with my husband then we went to sleep. then yesterday me, my parents, and the kids went to the zoo, and that was nice. didnt get to that much there because we got lost on the way, and it was really hot, but we were there for like three hours and the kids had fun. then when we got home i took them in the pool to cool off, then my friend came over and we dyed our hair and hung out for a little bit. then today, we went to publix did some shopping, then came home and barbequed and had a lot of food. then i got incredibly tired all the sudden, took a little nap, then took the kids to the pool again. so they had fun in there too. i am not going to put up the pictures from the weekend yet, cause it is getting late but i will put them up maybe tomorrow, if i have a chance.

I Knew It, I Just Knew It, I Told You So...

you get the picture, that is what, on and off, i have been saying to my dumb butt husband all day. because, as i had figured the friend that he said that he was lending the 40.00 to, never came back and gave it back to him. he also hasnt answered the phone when he has been calling him last night and today, and he hasnt responded to the messages that he has been leaving him. this is a supposed friend from that he works with, the guy also gave him a blank check for 500.00 that has a note in the memo section that says gift that is dated for this friday. and he said that when he talked to the guy yesterday he had said that he would have the money in his account on friday, and that he could cash it then, but then again he also said that he would give him the 40.00 back last night, because he knew that it was for the bills that he had to pay right away. so i dont know. the whole situation is just aggravating to me, because i had a feeling that something like this was going to happen. so anyway, he said that the guy should be at work tomorrow when he goes to work, and he is going to see what happens then. it annoys me even more because of the feeling that i had that something like this was going to happen, i didnt want to give him the money. he is saying that is going to take the check on friday and cash it, so lets see what happens with that. lets see how that goes. ugh, i am so frustrated with him and the choices that he makes. it is like he keeps getting himself deeper and deeper down. he also said that he got a call today from the night job saying that they didnt have him on the schedule anymore, and that it didnt seem like things were working out, so they didnt want him there anymore. and that he could pick up his check on saturday. he did say that he would give me 100.00 out of that paycheck, he was first saying that if he could wait til the next week, so i put my foot down and said no, because he was supposed to have given me the money for my sons birthday party (some of it to pay me back) a few days ago, so i dont intend on waiting anymore. so he called up the other night job that he had before this one and they said that he could work tomorrow night, and that they would talk about a schedule or something like that. so i guess that they are going to take him back, and he is going to have a job there. so that should be good anyway, at least it is something. hopefully that happens. i told him that i want him to have this saturday night off there (at this new old job) and also that i want him to have off saturday nights from there like before. so he said yes, that he would try his best to get that and that he would let me know tomorrow night after he is done talking to them. the guy that broke up with me twice, you know the one, texted me today, and asked what i was doing sat night because he had found a hotel that was cheap, and wanted to know if i was free. so i said that i thought so but that i would have to let him know tomorrow. so he said okay. then he at one point he said unless i could come out tonight or something like that, so i said that i didnt know it depended on what time and details like that, so he said that he was thinking, and i texted him back let me know when you have thought of something, and i havent heard from him since, that was at 5:45pm. whatever i am not worried about it. he is so ridiculous with making plans and not keeping them, i probably wouldnt hook up with him on saturday night even if my husband was going to be home, i would probably go over my friends house for us to have our hair dying party, instead of rescheduling her until sunday. which i would then have to do if i hooked up with him on saturday night. i dont know if i want to go through that and do that with him. i just dont know. and knowing him and the way that he keeps plans, he would probably just cancel on me anyway. then again, he would have to reserve the hotel and put up his credit card, so he probably wouldnt do that now that i think about it. who knows with him though. and his record for making plans and then cancelling them. i am happy that i didnt hear anything at my job today about that whole incident with the "special" doctor and his patient. i hope that i dont hear anymore about it, and that it just gets taken care of. i know now something that i didnt know before. i have only been with them for not even three months, i dont know everything yet, i only know what people tell me or what i come across and have to ask about, if not then i dont find out about it. oh and on a interesting note to end on...my boobs have been killing me for the past few days, dont know why but it is really starting to upset me. they really hurt, hurt to the touch, hurt in my bra, hurt when i walk without a bra and they jiggle, they just freaking hurt. augh! one more thing for me to be thinking about now. just great.

My Work Lesson

well, i went to work today, as i am supposed to. ugh. and i really wished that i had stayed home, not that i can, but anyway. my big boss at work came up to me and said not that you are in trouble or anything, but i want to know what happened when you spoke with this patient yesterday. turns out, something i didnt know, is that with certain patients that are from this certain doctor you have to basically kiss their butt and do whatever they say. so even if it is something that you wouldnt do for any other patient if it is with this doctor, you have to do it. which is ridiculous why should this doctor be so special, but anyway, apparently he is. and i didnt know about it. so apparently the patient got upset, and then called her doctor, who called this doctor. who got in contact with my big boss, and now there is a little stink going on. so my direct manager asked me about what happened, i told her the same thing. and apparently i didnt handle it correctly, not that i am in trouble or anything (yeah right) but anyway. i felt like i was in trouble, because apparently i didnt do what i was supposed to do or handle it the right way. i guess i wasnt helpful enough. yeah okay, even one of the other girls that i work with said that anyone else would have handled it the same way that i did, but that because it was that doctor they might have handled it differently. oh well, i dont know. sometimes it just seems like whatever you do, you did it the wrong way. i have been with this position for over 2 months, the beginning of next month makes almost three months. and the last day of this month (i think, or the first day of next month) makes a year that i have been with this company. for some reason i just have the weirdest feeling that something is going to happen to me with this job, so i just really hope that i make it at least until i have officially been there a year. that would be good. well other then that nothing much more interesting is happening here. my husband had given me that 200.00 to hold for the rent. well that was nice, but as of this moment there is 110.00 of it left (technically) because he has to pay his 60.00 cell phone bill which is due on the 24th and then he lent his friend 40.00 which his friend is supposedly supposed to give back to him tonight. which i really hope happens or i am going to majorly pissed off at both of them. so isnt that great? thats how he always is with his money it seems, he cant just keep a hold on it. he always spends it on something. i am curious to see if his friend is going to come through with the money like he claimed that he would. lets see.

Just Another Day

well today was okay, i suppose, it could have been worse. it can always get worse right? i was woken up several times during the night by my husband tossing and turning violently in his sleep, talking and screaming in his sleep at someone, and then finally to top it all off. he had a coughing fit at like 6am that was incredibly loud shook the whole bed, and woke up the kids in the other room. so after that i was up for a little while, by the time i finally fell back asleep it was time to get up for work. so of course i was incredibly nasty and depressed and aggravated about having to get up for work this morning, about going to a job that i already cant stand, you get the picture. so anyway, i made it to work on time, and got my daughter to school on time, two good things being that i didnt want to get up and out of the bed when it came to do that. so anyway, i got to work and everything was annoying me, probably because i was in a rotten mood to begin with. my husband was being a complete jerk/asshole with such an attitude all day, it was incredible, he claimed that it was because he was stressed out. whatever, like that is an excuse, but anyway, he started to act a little better after a while, and then he started it back up again. but what else is new. anyway, he kept to what he said today about giving me the money that he had borrowed from me (from my money to pay my bill) and from the grocery money too. so at least he did that. he also gave me money to buy us dinner from wendys tonight for all of us (he also commented it was so that he wouldnt have to cook). he also only have me 200.00 to pay towards the rent, so that will still leave 200.00 due from this months rent that he didnt pay, plus now the next months rent will be due on the 1st. sigh. sigh. sigh. but then when i got home from doing all of that, he was resting in bed and said that he didnt feel good all day, and had done absoluetly nothing around the house. hadnt cleaned a dish, picked anything up off the floor. nothing. so i didnt do anything either other then make the kids pick up the mess of toys they had left in the living room. because the bullshit part is that when yesterday before i went to bed, i made sure the house was pretty clean, the kitchen was clean, and there was not one dirty dish in the sink. now it is trashed and the dishes are piled up, i am done cleaning, let him do some. i could see if i wasnt working but i work just like him. so what is his excuse.

Sigh Sigh Sigh Sigh Sigh

never a dull moment that is how it seems that it is. always something new or something going on, never just a relaxing day is how it seems. i felt better about the whole my working not spending with the kids thing, and actually had a fairly relaxing and good day. i was in a good mood for most of the day, and me and the kids had a pretty good day. we watched movies, played outside for a few minutes, went grocery shopping, and my daughter finished her work to turn in at school tomorrow. which is good, i am happy that she finished all of it, she did whine and throw a few fits but other then that it was okay. it all got done, and we had a pretty good day. i am even more broke now because i of course had to go grocery shopping and my husband had borrowed that money out of the money that i had saved for groceries, so i didnt get a few things that i wanted, and then the other things i had to get out of my personal money, so now i am down to 7.00 of my own personal money too. sigh. when he came home from his day job, we discussed the money situation and the fact that he is still behind on the rent by like 400.00 and also that he owed me the 75.00 that he had borrowed which he said that he would give back to me tomorrow and also the money that he said that he would help me out with because i had missed the days of work because i was sick the next week. i forget to mention the money that he had said that he would help me with for me to put up for my sons birthday party too. but anyway, he said that it wouldnt be a problem, that the two jobs that he has would be able to take care of it without a problem, and the great thing about them is that they alternate weeks, that they pay, so he actually ends up getting a paycheck for a full two weeks of pay every week. but all that is up in the air now, because he came home very early tonight from the night job, which he hasnt had for very long at all now, probably not even 2 weeks, and said that they had basically sent him home because they werent happy with what was happening tonight, he claimed that the guy that he has been working with tonight on his station (he is a chef) was messing him up on purpose and not getting things ready for him to cook. he claimed that it is because he doesnt want him there because he is so good that he is worried that he will be replacing him. he said that he tried to explain that to his boss but that either his boss didnt want to hear it or didnt believe what he is saying. so he asked if he wanted him to come back on his next day to work which is tuesday, and he said that he didnt know or something like that. so who knows now if he even has this job anymore, this job that he was so excited about having, and that was also supposed to get him out of this hole with not being able to pay our rent or his bills that he had dug himself into. he is saying that he is going to talk to the boss tomorrow and ask him for a chance to work on his own and prove himself to him, but who knows if they will give him that chance, or even want for him to work for them again. so the way that it looks now, he might not have that job anymore. and he tried to call the other job that he had before this one at night, which he also wasnt at very long, and he left them very suddenly and not made them happy, but he said that they didnt answer their phone, so who knows. knowing the way that he had left them, they probably wouldnt want him back either. sigh. sigh. sigh. i just want him to get back on his feet, and stop flipping me out by him being so behind. it is really upsetting me. as of right now he is 400.00 behind on the rent, and the rent is going to be due again, which is another 1025.00 on the 1st which is only 12 more days from now. sigh. so i mentioned to him that my friend is probably coming over on saturday night, just to let him know, so he asked me why i was telling him, so i said just in case he was home, and he said that now wasnt a good time to mention that. well whatever, i just wanted to tell him before i forgot all about it. my daughters father called me several times today, to check on my daughter and her progress with her schoolwork and all of that, never once did he apologize for the way that he had acted yesterday or treated me, instead he wanted to know when i was going to be coming over to clean his house again, because supposedly i still owe him 2 more cleanings from the money that he gave me for the orlando trip (which was only 100.00), i remember the agreement as being only 1 more cleaning for a total of 2 cleanings, but anyway. then he mentioned if i wanted to buy his house that he was planning in selling it next year, and moving back to his country because he doesnt want to deal with any of this anymore, because being aggravated and dealing with all of this was a danger to his health. blah. blah. no apology to me he just started whining. so anyway i said no, i didnt want to buy it because it was too small (it is only a 2 bedroom) and the next that i moved or bought something it would be a 3 bedroom or bigger. so he really dropped the subject from there, and i didnt pursue it. what i didnt mention was that if he moved back to his country he wouldnt get to see his daughter, but maybe for once or twice out of the year, for vacations and that would be about it. but i am sure that he knows that. he wouldnt expect me too send her to another country to live with him. that would be insane. i just hope that everything works out with what is going on right now, even though i was complaining about the fact that he was going to be work on all the nights that i could be going out, i didnt want him to not have the job before he at least got caught up on everything. and then of course for the even slight possiblilty for me to eventually be able to stay home and take care of the kids, he would have to have the two jobs so that wouldnt happen with him having only the one job too. sigh. sigh. sigh.

I Am Glad That I Have Friends

i know that i can complain and whine about my friends and my life and how i dont really have much of a life or even have that many people that i get alongn with. and also when i get in one of my moods i dont really want to be bothered by anyone, and taht includes my friends. but sometimes i have to say that i really appreciate my friends, and am very grateful that i have them. i had a not good day too, and got very upset, frustrated, and majorly depressed. to start with last night my daughter brought home a packet of about 7 pages of math problems front and back that needed to be done and returned by monday said the note from the teacher because she didnt complete them in class all week. so i asked my daughter why she didnt do it in class, and she claimed that she didnt understand how to do them, and when she had asked the teacher for help the teacher had said for her to figure it out for herself. so i dont know if i completely believe what my daughter said or not because i have caught her in many lies before but regardless of the situation why would the teacher have waited for 5 days of work to pile up and then to give it to her to do, and have returned in two days over the weekend when people have plans to do things. so last night i just left it because we didnt get home until later and me and her were both tired. then this morning i had to take my son to the doctor to get his four year old checkup, and get a shot and everything else there. and they didnt of course take us for an hour of us sitting in the waiting room, me and both of the kids there, and they of course starting to get antsy because we were there for so long, and then they started driving me nuts. so finally we got finished there, met my parents at mcdonalds, and had lunch, the kids were starving because they didnt really have a big breakfast. so we ate there, i told them to take a nap and lay down, which they did lay down, wouldnt fall asleep and just got right back up. so me having a splitting headache since i woke up, laid down and maybe got an hour and a half or two hour nap, woke back up, started to make dinner. so we pulled out her pages of math, and started to work on them, she was incredibly cranky and irritable kept throwing a fit whenever i would tell her that one of her answers were wrong and try to go over it with her, she would argue with me saying it wasnt wrong. it was a nightmare. so at one point i called her dad, to ask him to talk to her, so instead of helping. he was saying that i was a bad parent, i didnt take the time with her, i didnt help her,i was more concerned about everything else other then her, etc. he really went off on me, and made me feel like the worst mother ever. i only have an hour and a half from the time that i get home from work during the week until the time that she goes to bed, i have to make them dinner, they have to eat dinner, get them ready for bed, etc. what does he expect. so anyway, he went off on me and off on me, all night really upsetting me, calling me back, irritating me, and making me really depressed. and what made it even worse was that i told him and i was hysterical crying that he was making me really upset and depressed and he just kept right up, he didnt even care. so next time that he says that he loves me and cares for me, yeah right, kiss my ass. not like i ever believed him anyway, but still what a jackass. so anyway. as for my daughter and her stupid freaking homework, the way that she was acting and how she was working, we only got one complete page done, so now there are still 6 more to go. that i am going to have to try my best to have her get done tomorrow, so there goes my nice relaxing sunday and weekend. ohhh, i cant stand her teacher for piling it all up and then giving it to her at once. so anyway, finally i gave up and put her to bed, with her screaming for about 2 minutes until she fell asleep, because i suppose that she was overtired. (i know why she was overtired, she for some reason woke up with my son, or woke him up too i dont know, at 5am this morning, playing and making a lot of noise, and then she wouldnt go back to sleep or take a nap today). so anyway, i put her to bed. and then her dad was still calling me and harrassing and upsetting me, that is when i was crying almost hysterically asking him to just stop and leave me alone. he was saying so many horrible things to me like everything i said above, and then also that it was my fault that everything was like this, this was how i chose to live, and also that i coudld just sign over my rights to her and let him have her. so after all of that i got really worked up and depressed, especially being that i had already been upset before about the fact that i am not able to stay home with them, and i really feel that i need to, and then he is going and saying all of these things, really made me feel bad. one of my friends (the only one that came to my sons birthday party, but i am not really close to her, and she is a stay at home mother so like she would have understood) texted me during this, and was trying to talk to me and ask what was wrong and if i wanted to talk, but i told her that it was okay, i would be alright. even though i wasnt but i didnt want to talk to her about it. then another one of my friends (who i am closer to, the one from work that i would go out with on my girls nights out, which the way things are now lord knows when i am going to be able to have another one of those, but however, we did agree that being that we both need our hair dyed again that she was going to come over my house on saturday night and do our hair and everything, i really hope that does happen, but being that this is the first time that she would be over my house, i dont know if it will.) honestly even if i would have had a sitter or someone to watch the kids i probably still would have wanted her to come over to my house, because she is like at least a half hour away, and i have always gone down to her to go out for the night, go to her house and dye our hair, or something like that, she has never come up to me. and the same with other friends of mine, but that is another subject, not for right now.) anyway, this other friend from work send me a cute picture of her pet with a squeaky toy which was soo cute and funny. so i called her to let her know that i had gotten it, and she started asking me what was wrong, and we talked for a while, like maybe 20 minutes and she made me feel better, saying that was untrue what he was saying, and how dare he say that anyway, and when i was getting upset he should have stopped. she just made me feel better telling me that i shouldnt worry about it, and that it wasnt true. she completely helped me change my mood some. which i needed. i mean i am still a little upset about it, but nothing like what i was. so that is why i said that i am glad that i have friends. and what is funny is that when i was really upset i was going to call her originally but i didnt want to bother her with my problems and she said that next time i should call her, and talk to her, because that is what friends are for. so that made me feel better too. so after we were done talking, and she didnt get off the phone til she made sure that i was better, my other friend the one that i had said that i didnt want to talk about it, texted me a funny forwarded message, saying that she thought that it would make me feel better. which was nice too. so now tomorrow i am not looking forward to at all, i am sure that her father is going to call me, and i really hope that he is going to not harrass me anymore, he hung up on me after yelling at me the last time and didnt call back thank god. then i also have to finish those 6 stupid pages of her work with her, go grocery shopping, do loads of laundry, so it doesnt sound like it is going to be a relaxing day that is for sure.

about what i was saying earlier, about how i dont want to travel to anymore, i think that it is everyone else's turn now. i have been spending way to much money in gas, and putting way to much mileage on my car doing it all, always going to everyone elses house, and i dont want to do it right now, i have had my turn now it is all of theirs. i hadnt heard from my friend that the guy was staying with for a few days, so i texted her to say hi and see what was going on. she said that her car was fixed but that her husband kept taking it and she didnt know where he was going, but that it wastnt to work because he doesnt have a job. oookkkkayyyy...anyway. so that is probably the reason why i hadnt heard from her in a few days was because the car was fixed, and she didnt need me to give the guy a ride from work or anything who knows. if happens to ask (on his behalf) when i am going to come over again, i am going to just say that i dont have the gas (or money) to make the trip and see what they say. probably nothing cause he doesnt have a car, and besides what would happen once they got up here, its not like me and him could do anything up here, cause that is the one thing that i dont do, is shit where i sleep so to speak. and anyway, i dont think that i want to do that. in my mind i am pretty much done with him i suppose, i guess that it was just a fling, i cant imagine it continuing anymore, i guess it is over in my mind now. it was good while it lasted i suppose, and he was awesome, but unfortunately there is more then just sex. i sort of regret hooking up with him, because other then the actual time that i was there being good, nothing else came out of it. as for what made me hook up with him, i suppose that it was looking for love or loving, or affection that i just wasnt getting from anywhere else. that is the only guess that i can come up with. who knows. anyway, as far as the travelling thing, the same thing goes for the other friend, that i would go out with on my girls nights out, and i would always pick her up and drive us around, and also when we dyed our hair i went to her house. so i think that it is her turn now, which is when we were talking about dying our hair next weekend, and she said something about me coming over her house, i corrected her really quick and told her that she could come over to my house. because her husband only works like one night a week now, so it isnt like she wouldnt have a car that she could use as long as he didnt have any plans. so i dont know, i just dont want to be driving all over anymore, i am just getting tired of always being the one to do that. and i cant afford it either. so we will see what happens with how all of that goes.

Just A Quick Update

just a quick post to say that nothing really that interesting went on today, i went to work, no one said anything about me being out or anything. i mean i know that doesnt mean that it isnt still going to be written down and counted against me, but at least i hopefully wont have to hear anything about it right now. my boss just asked me whether everything was okay, and what had happened so i said that everything was okay and that hopefully the car was fixed. and what i had been saying was that the car wouldnt start. today after work, i was leaving my exs house after picking up my daughter, tried to start my car twice and i could swear that it wouldnt start. then it started and the rest of the night it was fine, so i really hope that what i said isnt coming true now, that wouldnt be good at all. that would be very bad. work was relaxing today, our system was down for the whole afternoon, so basically all i did all afternoon was talk to the girls that i work with and read my book that i had with me, which made me very happy that i had brought it. my husband when i talked to him today, out of nowhere said to me that he hoped that i wasnt going to be staying over anyones house any time soon anymore, because he didnt like that. so i didnt really answer him either way, and then he said well you arent going to are you, and i said probably not. so he said something about how i better listen to him, and i basically told him to kiss my butt. but that means that i cant really do that right now, because i really dont want to hear his mouth about it, and besides like yesterday for example i could have gone but i just didnt want to go. i dont know, something is up with it, i guess that it is wearing off, and certain things, like the fact that he doesnt speak english and also that he lives at my friends house, and has no money are aggravating me. who knows. maybe it is just the mood that i am in, and it will change and i will get better with it, and i will start to miss him i dont know. but now with not being able to stay the night, that would make things more complicated and stressful on me if i went there to see him, because where he is is 30 miles away from me one way, which is a long distance when you think of making that distance round trip total would be 60 miles. so that is it really, i am going to do other stuff around the house now and then go to sleep.

Lucky, Lucky, Lucky Me

last night i know that i forgot to mention it here, but my daughter got a flyer in her backpack advertising this tutoring service and saying that they were offering free services for her school. (you know because of the no child left behind act). i thought that the name looked familiar but i wasnt sure, and i wanted my daughter to have tutoring so i called the number, and the lady was saying all about it, and that we needed to fill out a letter that my daughter would have gotten in the mail, so i said that we hadnt gotten one, and she was saying that we had to fill it out, and that people were saying that they hadnt gotten one and i wasnt the first one. then i happened to say did ---- (the one before this guy that i have been going out with now, the one with the living with his parents depending on his parents, dumped me and was really mean and insulting about it one) work for you, because i think that your name sounds familiar. she said that he did, but doesnt anymore, so i said good, because i wouldnt want him to tutor my child, so she said why, and i just said that we went out and didnt have a friendly break up. then she said that he wasnt with her anymore, because he had done something that was unethical, she didnt say what, and i wanted to ask her, but decided not to. she probably wouldnt have told me anyway. the end of the conversation was that she took my name and number and said that she would call me back later on that night (which she never did) to let me know about the letter that was supposedly already sent to us regarding the free tutoring. i havent decided if i am going to call her back regarding it or not, because my daughter does need tutoring in math and reading especially but i dont know if i want to get mixed up with her again, even if he doesnt work for her anymore.

then i woke up this morning, fully intending on going to work, but when i woke up i was having the most incredible intense stabbing pains in my lower stomach, and i couldnt hardly move, i was completely doubled over in pain, and couldnt bring myself to straighten up and have more pain. so i dropped my daugter off to school, hoping that it would ease up, and still wanting to go to work, but it still didnt, if anything i think that it got a little worse. it was so bad at one point that i was sweating. so finally i decided that i wasnt going to go to work today i just couldnt. so i called in and said that it was the car issue again, because the way that their policy works is that if you are out two days or more in a row for the same reason, then it only counts against you one time, instead of once for each day. so even though i missed work today, and lost another whole days worth of pay, at least it will only count against me once, which was the same one that i had no choice but to get yesterday because i would have been 10-15 minutes late to work if i had gone. so anyway, i went home and laid down from like 8:30am-10:30am in my bed which had my husband in it also sleeping because he was home with my son, becuase today is one of his days (mondays and wednesdays) that he stays home with him. so anyway, i woke up with him at 10:30am, and it was the pain was starting to feel better. then by like 11am it starting to really feel better, still there but at least i could deal with it. and as the day went on it started to get better, and better. my only guess is that it was my bladder issues that i have acting up because i am not taking my medicine for it anymore, because i cant afford them. so anyway, my husband took us out to lunch at denny's we had a nice lunch, then went home rested a little bit more, and then i took my son with me to go pick up my daughter. went to pick her up, went to the dollar store (with 5.00 that my husband gave me to spend), let them each pick out a toy that they wanted, got myself some nail polish and also got my dog a new squeaky toy. he looks so cute with it, it is a hamburger shaped designed toy. two pictures of him with it are below. so that was about it. me and my husband cooked dinner together tonight, so that was nice too. then a little while ago, he gave me some money to get myself a coolata drink at dunkin donuts, man do i love those drinks. so he has been really nice to me lately, especially today, and the other day. why is this? he also said that he would help me as much as he could with the money that i was going to be making myself short today too by staying home. he wasnt really happy about it, but he said that he would help. which was a good thing and a pretty big surprise too. he has been acting different, a lot better, maybe what he has been saying is true maybe he is trying to change and be different, he seems to really be putting forth an effort. i really hope so, for all of our sakes. cause things cant continue the way that they have been that is for sure. one thing that i did realize is that after all was said and done with all of the jerks who have hurt me and/or abandoned me over these 5 years that we have been married, he has always been there. he was also there to get me out of my daughters fathers house before we even got married. then he was there to give me for me and my kids to live in with hurricane came and that jackass never came back and left me. he was also still there when mr.dumper twice dumped me twice, and then he was also still there when the most recent dumper dumped me while saying just cruel and hurtful things. he has always been there for me, maybe that counts for something. when the going has gotten tough he hasnt left me like it seems like everyone else has. and what the hell is up with the past three guys dumping me, why couldnt i have dumped them first, geez. great for my self-esteem right.

well after how i wasnt feeling good this morning and didnt go to work today, that made up my mind for me that i wasnt going to be going over my friends house to see him and/or stay the night there. and i hadnt heard from him yesterday and all day today until 7pm when she called me tonight, asking me what i was up to. so i said nothing that i wasnt feeling well, and that my husband was home. she said that the guy didnt have anyone to pick him up at work again tonight, and that he was very upset about it and had been crying and was asking if i knew anyone. i said that i didnt know anyone, and that i hadnt been feeling well today. and that i hadnt been to work yesterday and today, and partly because i hadnt been feeling well for today, and partly because i would have been late to work yesterday because the alarm hadnt gone off that he had set. she didnt even comment on how i had said that i hadnt been feeling well, it was like either she didnt care, or something i dont know, she said that she didnt know that we had been late that he hadnt even said anything to her. so i said that i was surprised that he hadnt because i was pretty upset about it, and she said that no he didnt. and that was about it for that conversation, she said that she had to go because her battery was dying on her cell phone and she was still trying to find someone to pick him up from work and bring him back home. she said that hopefully her car should be fixed tomorrow, and she shouldnt have this problem anymore. so after tonight i wouldnt be able to see him again until next monday, because i am not going to bring the kids there anymore. i think this break is good, i need to figure some stuff out, he doesnt speak hardly any english, i speak hardly any spanish, my friend that he is staying with lives 30 miles from me, and i of course have to keep driving over there, because he doesnt have car. he doesnt even really have any money either, he does work, making like 7.00 an hour, and has no money saved so as soon as he gets paid it goes, and he actually just got this job a few days ago. even though my friend was saying that his family has lots and lots of money, it doesnt really effect him though because he refuses to let them help him and he does it all on his own. which is very good to hear, at least he isnt a momma or daddy's boy but still, he is also completely flat broke. and he is also only 22 years old. which compared to me and all the shit that i have been through, even thought that is only a 4 year difference it feels like an eternity. so anyway, now you see why i have a lot to think about. and now i have to go to work tomorrow, and i really hope that i dont have to hear anything about my not being there for the past two days, because that will really upset me, and the way that i have been lately, i dont know how i will deal with it. probably just burst into tears in front of everyone which wouldnt be good.

here are the pictures of my third baby with his new toy:

I Think I Need A Break

okay, so i went over his house last night. well actually my friends house, who he stays with. and i dont know, it was just a weird night. so anyway, i go over my friends house, and he was there of course. so we were there for a little while and we were sort of cuddling, and then he went his room, and laid down and i guess that he went to sleep. so then my friends husband (if you want to call him that) went in the room and said to him that he has a guest and that he shouldnt be sleeping. so he came back out, but then i got really frustrated because him and his cousin (my friends husband) were sitting there talking and laughing in spanish for at least a half hour and i was completely left out of the conversation. my friend of course wasnt out of the conversation because she understands and speaks spanish and english. so i got so frustrated that i went outside and went for a little walk and when i came back they had finally stopped it some. it was getting ridiculous. and then what was frustrating me even more is that my friend wasnt translating for me, or even saying anything to me about what they were talking about. so anyway. that was that. i know that i forgot to mention earlier that i believe that it was friday night we talked with my friend translating about my situation and everything else, because he wanted to know the details about how i was married, unhappy, sort of seperated that sort of thing. so i started at the beginning and finished at the end, so now he knows everything about what happened. so at least that did make me feel a little better about it, because now i know that i am not keeping anything from him. so anyway, we both went to "sleep", first we had sex of course, which is always so good, sooo soooo soooooo good. he is so skilled and well endowed it really makes for a good combination. okay you get my point. anyway,i turned my cell phone off because it kept beeping and annoying me, and i asked him to set his alarm for us. so he set it for 5:30am because i had to bring him to work too, and then come home get my kids, drop them off and then go to work. so anyway, i dont know what happened but all i know is that i slept really really really good and soundly, and didnt wake up once in the middle of the night like i usually do when i sleeping over there, and then next thing that i know i wake up and their is light streaming in the window. so i jumped up and looked at my phone when i turned it back on and it said that it was 6:30am, so got him up and we rushed out of the house. i was trying not to be really mad at him because i am sure that he didnt do it on purpose, but it still got me upset, because it really sucked for me. i dont know if he noticed that i was upset, or if he will just think that it was because i was really stressed out and rushing. got him to work, i came home in time to not make my husband late to work to get the kids from him, but by the time that i had dropped my daughter off at school and would have dropped my son off at my mothers, i would have been late to work. and my company has a dumb policy on how whether you are late by a few minutes, or you miss the whole day it counts against you the same way. so anyway, because of that i ended up just saying screw it and not going to work. because if it is going to count against me the same way, then why the heck am i going to go? the crappy part is that you are only allowed 4 of these in 6 months (they are so strict it is ridiculous i mean honestly what do they expect shit happens) before you get written up. and today was my third one in like a month and a half or so. oh well, guess we will just have to see what happens. i talked to my husband and he said that if i stayed home, cause i really wanted to get a lot of stuff done (i got a lot done, i did 5 loads of laundry, cleaned the house, scrubbed the kitchen, did the dishes, cooked dinner, registered my son for PREK), that he would help me out in like 2 weeks by giving me 50-60 dollars towards the bills, so that was good. i really hope that he does it, or i will be in a hole, but oh well, i am not going to worry about that now. now with the oversleeping thing alarm thing (which i am sure that he didnt do on purpose), then the me getting frustrated with not understanding what they were saying for a long time, and them talking literally right in front of me when they were doing that, and then with my friend constantly saying about not getting to attached men are dogs from that country and all of that stuff, and then also with my husband seeming to get his life a little more on track then before with him working two mostly full time jobs, and saying that he would help me and treating me better, i am thinking of taking a break. i havent really decided yet. what type of break, how long, or even if i want to do that. i just dont know anymore. i do know that my husband only has off monday and wednesday nights, and i saw him last night so the other night this week that i would be able to see him would be tomorrow night and that would be it for the week. so if i dont see him tomorrow night, then i would have to wait until the next monday night to have a babysitter, so it would be a week of him not seeing me. (and yesterday he was saying something about how i had abandoned him because he hadnt seen me in a few days, so imagine what he would say if it was a week). and i dont want to bring the kids over there again like i did on friday night, and stay the night with them or anything like that, because that was just too weird, and i was trying to hide the fact from them that me and him were in bed together (with clothes and everything but still, and then everything else) so that is a no, i dont want to do that again, the poor kids have been through enough drama. i dont want them to need therapy too. luckily i dont think on friday that they realized that he was in bed with me or that anything was up, because that havent mentioned anything to me, and i was being really careful about it but still. i dont want to do that again. honestly i dont feel like i want to go over there tomorrow night, so i dont think that i am going to. i just dont know anymore. i think i know why i feel like this, because of my husband and how he seems to be changing, then me getting frustrated with the language issue, the alarm me sleeping late and missing work thing, and also how my friend keeps telling me about being careful, geez, she is making me like paranoid too. this i think is all why i am thinking that i need a break from this, even if it is just a few days to a week. i havent decided yet what i am going to do about it though. if anything, i need to make a decision though.

The Card

this is word for word what the card said that my husband had made and handwrote for me:

The Front:

happy mothers day
for the most special woman i've ever had in my life and best mother

Inside:

i just really wanted you to know i love you with all my heart. and no card in the whole world can have the words i want to express my love for you. i apologize how i dont express my emotions often if ever. but i just want you to know my children have the best mother a child can ever have in every way. and i truthfully mean it from the bottom of my heart not just because its mothers day i know i havent been half as good of a father as you are a mother and i just wanna tell you i love you for every thing you do. and then though you think the way ive been living my life hasnt been the way that a perfect father should it got me where i am today and tomorrow and every day forth will improve for the best. i know you have heard it a billion times over and i am greatful for all your support but you will see for yourself in the next few weeks to come and im making a true effort to better all our lives i love you very much and always will forever. with all the love i can give.
happy mothers day.

----so okay, i read this and one hand it is definetly the sweetest thing that you have ever read, and i immediately felt guilty and upset about the way that i have been living my life, and what i have been doing, because no matter how i look at it we are still legally married, even though he doesnt act like we are, treat me like we are, etc etc. and anyone reading this card would say that he really does want to change and that he is going to be making the effort and getting it done. but the problem is that i have heard all of this over and over so many times that i just cant believe any of it anymore. not even that i cant, even if i really really really tried to, i am just not able to. it isnt even like i am stopping myself from believing i have just heard all of this so many times that i am just immune to hearing and believing it anymore. so now i just need to push past the guilt that this card, and the banner that he put up is giving me. well the card is mostly giving me the banner really didnt give me any guilt. or i have to figure out why i feel so guilty, is what i have been doing that wrong? would it really be considered cheating, when you dont really have any feelings for your "husband" and your husband treats you like crap, is immature, irresponsible, etc. but then he does one really sweet thing like this for you that he hasnt done in probably over a year. i dont know, i do feel pretty bad right now though. guilty bad, upset bad, just bad. then he said to me when he a few minutes ago, if i wanted to have sex with him for mothers day. i basically said no, i am just too tired. i just really dont want to, it holds no attraction to me whatsoever. not interested in the least bit.

i talked to my friend today who the guy stays with, and asked her if i was coming over tomorrow, because i knew that i had mentioned it to her before about me coming over tomorrow night, and she hadnt really said anything. so i mentioned it to her again, and she said are you asking me or telling, so i said both because it is your house and not his. i dont remember what she said, but i think that it was like she didnt care. i think. for the second or third time in like the past two days, she was warned me though about not getting to attached or anything like that because, men from their country are dogs, will turn on you screw you over, cheat on you, etc etc. and she was like and you never know if he has a women in his country who he is with or anything like that. i know she doesnt know about him having anything like that because she would have told me that, but her keep saying it is making me feel really uneasy. like i dont know. not that i want to really fall for him or anything like that, but it is making me want to distance myself even more because i am afraid that i will fall for him and then get burned like she was saying that i would. so more to be scared of now, like i havent been burned or hurt enough in the past, she is basically saying that if i get really attached or fall for him that is definetly what will happen, she is making it sounds like it isnt just a possiblity it will happen. ugh.

All About Yesterday And Today

so friday night as we all know i slept over my friends house, left her house at 7:30am with my kids, dropped the guy at work, and then i went to my daughters fathers house, got there at about 8am, went to sleep and napped there (he left to run an errand) from about 8:15am-9:45am, so i had a little nap there. then my kids took me out for lunch with him paying of course, at a chinese buffet restaurant, which was nice. then we left his house, went to my house, i took a nap again for like another hour and a half, and then i did my grocery shopping and got mcdonalds for dinner (yeah i know health food) then came home and that was about it. here are pictures from yesterday:





then today i slept until about 10am which was nice, got up, got the kids and myself ready and went over my mothers house for lunch and to spend some time with her. it was nice because my dad cooked up a big barbecue lunch for us, with plenty of food and i really enjoyed it. the kids had a lot of fun too. the kids gave me cards that they had made me, and also a #1 mom necklace that "they" bought for me, my mom said that she helped them buy it too. then my mom gave me her gift which was two books to try to help me relax. lets see if that helps. and also i gave her my gift which was a bouquet of flowers in a vase. i got a big surprise when i woke up this morning though, my husband had put up a big banner last night (i guess) when i was sleeping that said happy mothers day with hearts on it, and then he also made me a card. which i will write down what was in it in another post, because it is really long so i thought that was really nice. surprising too. i took a picture of the banner and the card, and also i ended up buying myself a rose today because i really wanted one, so there is a picture of that too. the day ended on a frustrating note, my husband came home early from work, because it was really slow, so he asked me to go out and get him something, so i went out to get it for him and said that while i was out i was going to stop and dunkin donuts, cause i really wanted one of their drinks and sandwiches. so the one that i went to just closed basically as i pulled up. so i came home located another one a little farther away on the internet, called them made sure that they would be still open, and finally after searching for at least 20 minutes looking for them found them, only to find out when i walk in that the dumba-- had thrown away everything a few minutes before because he was getting ready to close and no one had been coming in there. so i was really frustrated about that, why wouldnt he have had said something when i asked when he was closing. and why would you throw all of your food away 15 minutes before closing, wouldnt you wait until you had closed. so i am still really pissed off about that. i wasted like an hour on that crap. anyway here are a few pictures from today:

Some People Have Issues

so the guy that dumped me twice, yes we all know which one that was, was chatting with me on thursday night online, and was really trying to get me to hook up with him. he said that he had the money for a hotel, and that he was available for saturday night, and that if i told him that it was okay, that he would book the hotel right now for sat night. so i said that i wasnt and that i was busy this weekend, and then i also told him that i was with someone right now, and told him that it had started like two weeks ago, or so. so he was asking me for details about it, which i wasnt really giving him. so i asked him why he wanted to know, and he said that he wanted to find out more information about the competition. and the he said that he didnt mind sharing me and then he said that he dreamt about our sex and how it was the best that he had ever had, so i said aww you really miss me huh, so he said yes i guess that i do. and then he said that you know that we'll probably wind up together eventually, so i said you mean not just as screw buddies and he said yes, that is the way that he sees it working out as, but that he has some things to work out first. and then he said you know i love ya, and so i said it back just like that, cause i wanted to see what he would say, because it wasnt saying i love you, it wasnt the same thing. so then he said i think i love you, but i am not quite sure yet. so i said why arent you sure and he said that is what he has to figure out. and then he asked if i loved him. so i said that i wouldnt answer if he doesnt know how he feels what is the point, so he said that he understood, and that was about that for the conversation, and the end of it he wished me a good weekend in case he didnt talk to me during the weekend. he was online tonight, said hi to me, then said brb then i didnt hear from him so who knows. he has such issues. i realized especially after this conversation that i would have to be insane to even consider hooking up with just for a screw never mind for a relationship. either that or i would have to be really desperate either one.

My Interesting Past Few Days And Today/Last Night

okay, so wednesday night i ended up going to my friends house, she ended up not having the money which was somewhat of what i had expected to happen. she did end up borrowing 5.00 from someone that she knew and giving it to me at one point during the night. and said that she would owe me the rest, she had borrowed 10.00 for me originally, and i think that if i hadnt gotten upset with her, and said that i didnt have enough gas to get home that she wouldnt have even given that to me. but i was a little upset with her because i kept asking her to make sure that she would have it, and she kept telling me yes even though she didnt have it. because i guess that she thought that she would have it or something who knows. so anyway, i went there thinking that he wasnt going to get off work until 11pm, but he actually got to her house (thanks of course to her picking him up since he doesnt have a car right now) at 10pm. so that made me happy, at the time. because i wasnt expecting to see him so early. so anyway, he got there, and it was nice, we watched a movie with my friend and her husband and brother in law, and the movie was in spanish with english subtitles so i didnt have to try to figure out what they were saying. then the movie ended at like 1am, and the guys that were there, including the guy that i am with starting arguing because apparently he had said before i had said that i was coming over that he would go with them to a club to get something, or something like that. so he didnt want to go, but they still wanted him too, because he had said originally that he would. so they all ended up going. they left at like 1am and came back at 3:30am. i ended up seeing him dressed up like i had never seen him dressed up before. omg, he looked sooo good. okay but anyway, so i stayed up with my friend until about 2am talking, and then i went sleep in his bed. he of course woke me up when he got in, and then we, okay i am not going to go into detail, but it was awesome like it always has been. so anyway, i left there at like 6am so that i could come home and get ready for work. so i didnt get much sleep that night, and the next day i was like the walking dead. it was worth it though, because i had a nice time. so that was wednesday night. so after i left there, not that i said anything about it, but i was actually intending on not seeing him until next monday night, because that was the next night that there father would have off to watch them, and i didnt have anyone else to watch them so that i could go out. but then yesterday after i got off work, my friend calls me and said that her car wouldnt start and that she thinks that it is the alternator again, and that he is at work, and will be getting off work at 9:30 and if i can come there to pick him up, and she also says that she has the money that she had borrowed from me plus some extra money for gas. so i said that i really couldnt because i had my kids and i didnt have anyone to watch them. so she said that she had tried and couldnt get anyone else to pick him up. so i ended up bringing the kids with me, putting them to sleep in his room that he is staying in my friends house, and then going to get him. then coming back to my friends house, and we all ended up sleeping in the same room together. and yes that was interesting dont even ask. i was trying to hide from them the fact that he was sleeping with me, with all of our clothes on and everything and not even really touching which was unusual for us but still, and i dont think that they realized it, and then of course there was not the usual activity from me and him that there usually was because they were right there, near us (not in the same bed as us but still), the funny thing about it was that we did start fooling around a little bit and very carefully of course with the kids, and i got mine and he didnt. which i am sure that he didnt think was very funny, but i thought that it was slightly amusing. not in a hysterical way, but i guess in an ironic way, cause i wasnt even really interested in it in the beginning like was. but anyway, on to different subjects now. the night brought a lot of interesting things, he checked me for a wedding ring, saw that i wasnt wearing one, and then with my friends translating, was asking me about the fact that i am married seperated whatever, how it all happened, why it happened, and everything like that, so i told him the whole great painful story, so now he knows everything. i asked him if made him think any differently and he said no, that he really cared for me. so who knows. i had to drive him back to work this morning with the kids in the backseat, if that doesnt chase him away with all of the other stuff, then i bet that nothing will. not that they were being bad they were just being themselves, and were hyper. so okay. anyway. what else. oh yes, he was also talking to his mother and sister last night, and told them about me and was talking to them about me, and he also told me that once he gets paid from his job, in like another two weeks or a little bit more, that he is going to take me out to a really fancy restaurant and treat me. so i was like ohh thats nice. i spoke with my friend today, and asked her if he was able to get home from work, and this was at like 11:30pm, and she said that he had just gotten home, she didnt know how because she wasnt able to pick him up cause her car still isnt working. and she also said that she didnt know how he was going to get to work tomorrow morning. i said that i was sorry that i couldnt help but that monday night i could pick him up from work, and that their dad would have the kids. so she said oh okay, and that was about it for that. then she got off the phone. she is funny sometimes she is so social and then other times she isnt at all. but i am sure that it is because of the huge amounts of issues that she has in her life going on right now. she did make a comment to me at one point last night about how men of is culture and from his country are nice to be with and whatever, but when it came to committment and that type of thing that they are such dogs. and that they cant really be trusted. and to be careful that i dont fall for him cause she doesnt want me to be hurt. i dont know if she is jaded because of what she is going through with her husband who is also from the same country or not, but it disturbed me. so i dont know what to think about that. here are some pictures from last night, there is one of me, one of my friend, and one of him.

My Parenting Style---According To Tickle Test

Type I parents are good at setting rules, making them clear, and seeing to it that their children stick to them. By doing this, you teach your children to value work, tradition, and respect for authority. While some parents allow their children's missteps to go unnoticed, you prefer to call them out with swift punishment. This way, your children learn to abide by and honor agreements, whether written, spoken, or simply understood. This is a valuable skill they will carry into their relationships with other people.

Yours is a very direct style of parenting, as opposed to a suggestive approach. By acting in this way, you establish relationships with your children that revolve around unwavering demands to comply with your requests. The suggestive approach might seem too soft to you. When you leave children to make decisions on their own, you might feel they are more likely to go astray. After all, they don't have the experience and knowledge that you do. That's why giving them rules and expectations as guidelines probably makes more sense to you.

All in all, your direct method of parenting is often highly effective. You, more than other parents, are likely to see more immediate results with your children since the boundaries you set are so clear. They know what to expect, so they know how to adapt their behavior accordingly.

Positive Effects of Your Parenting Style
Children of Type I parents tend to become capable, confident, and socially competent adults. They often have a strong sense of self and well-developed notions of personal boundaries. They tend to posses high levels of self-esteem, a positive outlook, and a high level of self-confidence.

As a result, they tend to naturally steer away from bad habits, such as destructive drug use and excessive drinking. Those behaviors in particular are socially linked to the search for identity and acceptance.

Cross-cultural research has also linked your parenting style with children who excel in academics. If Type I parents not only encourage their children to stick to the rules, but also to be creative, then this parenting pattern can further inspire motivation and competence in academics.

In fact, some research suggests that the level of parental demandingness is positively associated with levels of social assertiveness on the part of children. That is, if parents enforce a strict set of standards, then their children will likely internalize these standards and hold themselves to them as they grow older - even in situations where peers are acting in ways that violate these rules. Basically, many children reared by Type I parents are less willing to succumb to peer pressure, and are thus somewhat inoculated against taking part in dangerous behaviors. On a less dramatic level, this style of parenting can even lead children away from relatively minor infractions, such as skipping class.

Negative Effects of Your Parenting Style
The biggest red flag for Type I parents is to make sure their rules and emphasis on obedience doesn't overshadow elements that all children need to thrive — elements such as providing a nurturing environment, forgiveness, and acceptance. These ingredients are of equal importance in the parenting game. Strict standards coupled with harsh punishments can lead your children to follow rules when they are supervised. There is a risk that when unsupervised, children who feel too yoked in by rules will rebel. And this could have some unfortunate long-term results.

Also, if rules are applied inconsistently, with excessive emotion, or too severely, children might also turn their backs on them. Being a demanding parent is not a bad thing, but your children must understand the logic behind your demands. Think of the rules that you follow — even simple ones, like stopping at 4-way stop signs. You're compelled to stop not because it's the law, but because you understand the importance of being a courteous driver and the reciprocal nature of taking turns. You can apply the same logic while coaching your children on how to interact with others.

If you demand a lot from your child, be ready to return a lot. Attentiveness, open ears, and support must counterbalance your perceived strictness. Otherwise, your child might be compelled to follow these rules only in order to avoid punishment or to seek your approval.

The "strict discipline" approach to parenting, when not coupled with a warm and affectionate way of interacting with the child, creates a one-way parent-child relationship, wherein the parent acts as dictator while the child has no say in what goes on. In this way, this Type I parenting style can lead children to be less spontaneous, independent, and curious than their peers. It can also lead children toward being more socially withdrawn, with low self-esteem and low motivation for academic and intellectual performance. In these cases, obedience comes at the expense of a child's long-term creativity and competence — qualities a child obviously needs in order to succeed in future academic and business settings, not to mention personal relationships.

Suggestions:

Go to great lengths to make your relationship with your child a two-way street. Enforce your rules, but make sure you make clear the reasons behind them and the personal benefits that your child will reap by following them. Keep in mind, however, that research has demonstrated that the most effective punishments are moderate, rather than severe, and always associated with a positive reinforcement. That way, your children learn not only what they should not do, but what to do as well.

Punishment tells a child, "Do not do this." The vacuum created by a "Do not" must be filled with a "Do." Make it clear to them what they should have been doing at the time they were breaking a rule. That way, they will learn the "correct" behavior while simultaneously unlearning the "incorrect" behavior

Add At Least One More Person That Is Now On My Shit List

so i went to work today, and the girl that i had invited to my sons party was there today, and she gave me a big had to be pretty expensive gift for my son, and also said that she was sorry, so i pretty much forgave her and am over that. i, of course, was in such a hurry to get out of work today, that i forgot to bring the present with me and it is now still under my desk at work, and it is huge, so hopefully no one bothers with it, and hopefully i also remember to bring it home tomorrow. work today wasnt that great, my direct manager saw me talking to another girl that i work with, and she started asking me if i had to work to do, and basically saying without saying it to get to work, never mind that i sit right next to another girl in my same department too, that is constantly running her mouth and talking extremely loudly all day, why she doesnt bother her and not me who does a lot of work and basically minds her own business i dont know. then i had an incident at work today, where someone from another department noted something on an account that didnt make that much sense so i had to ask her about it, and she was incredibly rude and nasty to me, and i was upset by it. so i told one of the girls that i work with, that i am the closest to out of anyone in my department what had happened, and was also asking her opinion on what to do on the account, and she ended up asking my supervisor about it, so it turned into a thing where the girl it seems is going to get talked to and in trouble for it, because appartently this is nothing new for her. so the girl is on my shit list because of how she treated me, but now i am sure that i am on her i want to kill list, because i got her in trouble. oh well, i am sure that she will live.

then my parents didnt pick a good day to talk to me about getting more money to watch my daughter over summer break for the days that she wont have summer camp. they were asking for double what i give them now to pick her up from school and keep her, rationalizing it as they are going to be keeping her the whole day. it wasnt even the money, or the fact that i dont really have any, it was the fact that they are her grandparents, and it is ridiculous in my opinion that i have to pay my parents to watch their grandkids anyway, but i do give them money becuase they dont have hardly any money and they feed them lunch and dinner, and take care of them, but then when they asked for more money i got upset. and i guess that they could tell that i was upset, because my mom called me about 15 minutes after i had left, and said that her and my dad had talked about it again and that i could keep giving them what i give them, and not to worry about it. i dont know, that whole thing still aggravated me, even after she had called and said not to worry about it. my own parents who i already pay to watch their own grandkids asking me for more money, that really didnt help my mood. i didnt even mention it to my husband or my daughters father, because i didnt feel like hearing their comments about how they want money to watch their granchildren.

i did get to talk to my friend today (the one that owes me the money, and has the guy staying with her). i made sure that she still had the money for me, which she said that she did, and i also made sure that she was going to be home tomorrow at around 8 or 8:30pm, which she said that she would be. so being that she can be really hard to get a hold of, i just said that i would be there at that time. and she said that was fine. she said that i wouldnt be able to see the guy though because he doesnt usually get off from his job until 11pm, and because i have to work the next day she was thinking that i wouldnt be staying there too long. so i said joking well unless i sleep in my car until he gets there. and she said well instead of doing that you could just sleep in his bed until he gets there, because it isnt like he will be sleeping in his bed. so i actually thought about it for a second and i agreed and said that actually sounded like a good idea, and she didnt seem to mind either, she sounded serious when she had said that and when i agreed. so that is what i might do. get there at like 8 or 8:30 and then if he doesnt get home from work at a certain time (like at 10 or 11pm) just go to sleep in his bed and wait for when he gets home. who knows if any of this will end up happening, guess will just have to wait and see. i asked her when he is supposed to be going back home, and she said that it was the end of july or maybe even the beginning of august and that once he did go home that he was probably only going to go there for a month, and then come back here again. so that was different from i had though, i had thought that he was going home the beginning of june, so that makes it different. she also said that he was asking her about me a lot, asking if i was asking about him and what i was saying, and after his little declarations of affection on friday night, it sounds like he really likes me, but who knows, after all he is a man. she said something which i thought was very nice and caring, somehow it was brought up in the conversation that me and her had, and about medicine, and i mentioned that i had stopped basically taking all of my medications, and that i was having a hard time with my body and everything adjusting to that. and she, remembering the issue that i have, said that if i felt like that to call her and she would come over or we would talk it out on the phone until i felt better which i thought was very nice and caring for her to say. well, that is it for today, i am going to try to lay down and get some sleep.

I Forgot To Post This

about the guy that i have been seeing, hooking up with whatever. i am trying to keep repeating and reminding myself that it is just a fling, and cant be anymore then that. (even though he was expressing his affection for me on friday night with my friend translating) because he doesnt speak english, is 4 years younger then me, though thats not that much of an issue, and he is going back to his country i believe very soon. so i am just trying to remind myself that this isnt going to go very far. because i dont want to get hurt when it doesnt go far, or just ends at where it is now. because i am sure that is what is going to happen. so i need to keep reminding myself that this is just a fling, and to enjoy it while it lasts, or if it happens no more to just enjoy what was had. and then of course, i have to ask myself why i keep reaching out to guys and sleeping with them, and having sex with them, what is making me do this. lack of affection, a need to be loved, a desire to have more? be happy? okay this is getting way to deep, i am going to try to go to sleep now.

People Really Really Suck, They Are All On My Shit List

i really hate people, i have come to understand that. people arent good, they pretend to be your friend but they arent. and then there are people that are even supposed to be your family, either by relating to blood or marriage and they are bad people too, and deserve you to hate them. for example the friend from work that wasnt able to make it, and didnt bother telling me until i called her and still didnt even tell me for sure if she would be showing up, didnt even show up to work today, and she had said that she would be there and give me the present to give my son. but of course, she didnt show up for work today. then my sons grandfather (my husbands father) finally came by to see him and talk to him for his birthday (he didnt even bother even calling him to wish him a happy birthday) today, which was almost a week after his birthday (it was on the 1st) and then he gives him a really cheap gift, which he didnt even need anyway because he had already had one of it, which if he had bothered to call and ask us we could have told him that. so anyway, that was that. one family member i was impressed with was my husbands mother, who sent him a package with toys and clothes in it for his birthday, and she also called him on his birthday to wish him a happy birthday. then another person on my shit list is my husbands sister, who i used to be really close with a few years ago, but ever since we moved back into together havent been, that is another really long story though. not only did she wait until the last minute (the night before at 11pm) to say that she wasnt going to be able to come to the party, but then she didnt come to his party, didnt have a present for him (i guess) and she didnt even call or see him or talk to him for his birthday. which is b.s. so that is my rant on the family members. my mom and dad were awesome, they had a party for my son on his birthday. and my aunt sent him a card and money for his birthday. and that is all the family that i really have that is mine and not through marriage. i also have my grandmother, my one living grandparent left, but she lives in a far away state and she isnt doing very well. i could continue ranting about everybody that i am upset with, especially about my sons birthday, but i am not going to. they know who they are, slimy piece of crap people. there are a few that i excuse for not doing or saying anything for my sons birthday, and i dont fault them at all, and this isnt directed to them, but then there their are the other pieces of crap that i cant stand right now, and dont even want to talk to. i wouldnt even be talking to my friend that the guy is staying with, but for obvious reasons, like he only speaks spanish, and she speaks spanish and he is staying with her, i have been talking to her. that and the fact that she owed me money that i had lent to her, that she had promised to give back to me on saturday at my sons birthday party, which she didnt end up going to. so now she said that she had for me on sunday, but i said that i would go get it on wednesday. and she said okay, that she should be home so hopefully she is actually home and will still have the money. of course, it will probably cost me the whole amount that i lent to her just to get to her house, with gas prices the way that they are, and her living about a half hour from me. but when i lent it to her i didnt think that i would have to drive back to her house to get it back. honestly i dont even really care that much about the money, if it wasnt for the guy, i would just wash the money away and out of my mind, because i would want to be done with her right now. but instead because of the guy, i am even going to drive there on wednesday, dont know if he will be there or not, or what will be going on if anything, or if i can really see him see him, but i am going to drive there, and if i dont get to see him or whatever, hopefully after i go all the way there and come all the way back home, i will at least end up with like 3 or 4 dollars extra after i have to replace all the gas that i had to use to get there and back. i havent heard from him (or her) since sunday when i called her and she said that she had the money for me and i had said that i would be able to go over there on wednesday to get it.

my husband upset me today, which is something like what else is new. but this was really upsetting to me. he had been saying to me that once he got two full time jobs, and got back on his feet with being behind in the rent, that i would be able to stay home with the kids. now granted he didnt say how long that it would be until i could actually do that. but he did say that it would happen, that he understood why i wanted to do that. today he told me that he gotten the second job at night (which would replace the other one that he had recently gotten), so by the way there goes my nights out on the weekends i would assume. so i got excited and said oh that means that i would be able to do what we had discussed, but then he said oh no, that wasnt what i said, i said that it depended on what happened with that company taking your company over, and you having a job, and blah blah. so in other words it would seem that he was talking talking talking about nothing will come out of it as usual. it just makes me so miserable sometimes, because this isnt the life that i intended to have or wanted, and i seem to be stuck in it. my kids are the only things that keep me going, if it wasnt for them, i dont know what would happen to me.

well, luckily today at work they didnt say anything about my shoes, which was good because i am trying to let my feet heal and get completely better before i attempt wearing regular shoes. so today i wore the sandals, and they felt good. okay i am done ranting, at least for tonight because i am getting tired, and know that i need to get some sleep. i am sure that i will rant more tomorrow, because of the mood that i have been in lately.

Most People Are Not Good, They Suck

i remember reading something that said that most people in general are good people, i just wanted to say that most people arent they suck. the reason that i am saying that is because not including my 2 children, i had invited six children to my sons birthday party on saturday, and just one child showed up. and that was my friend that lives about an hour away, so she lives the farthest out of everyone that i had invited. she is also moving to somewhere that is about an hour and a half or two hours away on june 1st, which just figures even more. i knew that everyone else wasnt going to be going by saturday morning, but one person that i work with was supposed to be going with her son, and then this other friend that lives an hour away. so that would have been two kids out of the six. but she didnt go, didnt call me or anything ahead of time. i called her like 15 minutes after the party had started, and she wasnt there. and she didnt answer and called me back saying that she was stuck at some church rehearsal but that she was rushing to leave, and that she would call me in 20 minutes and let me know what was going on. she never did call me back. and what sucked even more is that i had to pay for her son even though he wasnt even there. (because the rule with where i had booked the birthday party was that you had to pay for a minimum of four children whether they all showed up or not. so that was what i had to do. which sucked. so anyway, she called me today (the day after the party) and said that she was sorry, that she got stuck there, it took longer then she expected, she was very sorry, blah, blah. and that she would give me the present that she had gotten for my son tomorrow, and again she was very sorry. so i guess that i cant really be that mad, because at elast she is going to still give my son the present that she had bought for him even though she couldnt make it. i guess. i am still pretty disappointed with everyone that didnt come. but at least my son had a really good time, that was all that mattered anyway. so who ended up being there was me, my husband, my son, my daughter, my friend, her daughter (who is about 4 months older then frankie), and her other daughter who is 7 months old. so there wasnt that many people there at all, considering the amount of people that i had invited and wanted to come. but again, oh well, i have to keep reminding myself that all that mattered was that he had huge amounts of fun. i am just more disappointed with everyone that i know, and that they didnt seem to put forth that much of an effort at all to come. but anyway, i am going to stop ranting about that right now. or at least try to stop ranting. i took a lot of pictures, so once i get them developed and put on picture disk i will post the good ones on here.

my friday night was interesting, i did end up going out with my friend that i had said that i was going to, and it ended up being fun and interesting both. we went for dinner first, at this fun mexican place where they had like bull riding and because it was the night before cinco de mayo and at midnight it because cinco de mayo they a promo going on there too, giving out beads and stuff. so that was fun too. right after we were done eating, my friend (that the guy i hooked up with stays with) called me and said that he had told her to call and translate. so he was asking where was i, so i said that i was out, with my friend who was a girl, and i said where i was. which was really close to where they were. so he was said something about whether he had given his permission for me to go out, and i dont know if he was joking or not, but i said something like i dont really care. and then he was saying something about caring for me, and really feeling something for me, and just getting really mushy. and he said that he wanted me to come over there right then, so i said that i couldnt then but maybe in a little while. so he said okay, just to call my friend when i was there, and she would let me in. so i said okay, but did make a comment about how i have my period, and basically therefore didnt want to, you know. so he said something about not wanting me only for that and that was it. so anyway. after that me and my friend that i was out with went to the club, which was her first experience being in this type of club so it was interesting for her. usually the whole time that i am out i have at least one or two guys hitting on me or looking at me, and of course this time was no different. i had one guy right when we first got there (just being out not at the club), i had another few guys in the restaurant, then of course in the club forget it. i had three guys dancing with me (one at a time of course) and one or two that i also saw looking at me when i was there. and one that was trying to talk to me when i was trying to leave and was trying to be funny blocking my way to get me to talk to him. and of the three guys was hugely unattractive but i was being nice and dancing with him anyway, until he was rubbing his thing all up on my leg, and it was hard. ewww. i stopped that crap really quick. anyway, my friend while we were in the club actually had a few guys trying to dance with her, which was nice. good for her. even though she kept turning them down, and didnt want to dance with them, at least that should have made her feel good. i would think. so after that my feet were killing me, and i had blisters on my feet. so we left, i dropped her off at home, and went to my other friends house. called her when i got there, and he met me at the door. and not that much happened. we cuddled and snuggled, i am know that he wanted more to happen, but with my period and everything else, i didnt want to, so dont know if he was irritated or not about that, who knows. i did warn him ahead of time though. then my husband called and he saw my phone and that it was ringing and who it was, and he asked in very good english who that was. so i answered him in bad spanish i am sure that it was my sons father. and he didnt say anything else. i asked if that was okay, and he said yes. not that it mattered if it was okay i guess, but still/ the cuddling and snuggling that we did was nice, i enjoyed it. he really likes sleeping with you, and snuggling with you. i had him set the alarm because i had to leave early to be back home, i had him set it for 6:30am. so when it went off i gave it back to him, said bye to him and left. but i guess that he didnt reset the alarm, because the next day my friend called me and asked me what time i left her house, i told her and she said she had asked because he was late to work. but that he wasnt really mad about it or anything. which was good, because he should have been responsible and reset the alarm when i handed it to him, instead of just turning it off. but anyway. then i talked to her very briefly today, and she said that she had the money that i had lent to her, so i said that i should be able to pick it up from her on wednesday. and she said okay that she should be home then. she also said that her long absent husband had just gotten home yesterday, and she sounded not to happy about that. so i asked if he would care if i was over there, and she said that she didnt really know, because even though she is married to him she doesnt really know him. yeah okay, that makes sense. i was asking that in case i end up staying there, and me and him end up you know, like we have been, that he wouldnt care, or if he would and say something or not want us to and get upset. oh well, guess that is a wait and see thing, if that even happened who knows. and now also with him home, i know that the kids were sleeping in bed with her before because it was just her, now i would imagine that he will be in bed with her, and that the kids would be in the other room with the guy. i would think, but then again who knows, i do seem to remember her making a comment about her husband being on the couch or something before. i think. when they werent speaking. i dont know, i know i have my issues. but so does she. i also know that the guy was going back to his country, i think for a little while, maybe a month? i dont remember if that was what it was, but i think that she had said that he was going to be leaving the beginning of next month. not that i think that this would develop into a long term relationship or anything like that, because the fact that he doesnt speak english, or hardly any english anyway, and i dont speak hardly any spanish is definetly an issue, among other things like the fact that he doesnt reside in this country, that is another one. so i know that this most this will most likely add up to is what it is now, just a fling i suppose. i am having a fling with a 22 year old incredibly hot bodied dominican, who is very well endowed, and knows perfectly what to do in bed too. wow, who wouldnt want that right? so why does this feel off to me at times? then again that could probably be because i am not medicated anymore. like at all. i stopped taking basically all of my medication. i finally got the prescriptions resolved for the asthma at least, the doctor called me in (correctly this time) two new medications that i have never been on before, which are supposed to equal the other one that i had been on. so at least this should keep me from having an asthma attack, so at least this is one less thing that i have to worry about. hopefully they work, and also hopefully i dont have any reactions to them. as for the other medications, i dont know what to do about them yet, i am trying to cope without them, especially the depression medication, but it is hard. i can even tell the difference in my personality, and in my opinion when i can even tell that there is a difference that is a problem. well, at least my feet and the blisters are feeling better, i had given them a pedicure, and taken care of the blisters, and this weekend i have been wearing sandals that i had to buy that wouldnt come near the blisters to rub on them, so they have been doing better. so now tomorrow for work, i am going to have to wear the same sandals that i have been wearing this weekend, and hope that they dont say anything, with their stupid dress code. i hope not, because i dont want to be in pain with my feet, just because of their stupid dress code. we will see what, if anything, happens with that tomorrow.