To The Left, To The Left

from that beyonce song of course, irreplaceable, cause that is what he thinks, that he cant be replaced, i have such news for him, i can soooooo replace his dumb butt. more on that in a minute. what i was saying yesterday, about the gym, i am getting frustrated about my weight, i weighed myself the other day, and found out that i have gained 14 pounds in 6 months. and i can tell you why, i have been eating whatever the heck i want, and havent been doing any exercise, it still sucks though, cause i know people that can eat anything, not exercise and still have perfect figures. oh well, no point in dwelling on that, cause i know that i will never be like that. thats for sure. i am at the same weight exactly to the pound that i was at last time that i started working out again and joined the gym, so anyway i went to the gym for the first time in those 6 months, and did my normal work out routine, which includes 45 minutes of cardio, and amazingly enough, i am a little sore, but even close to being as sore as i thought that i would be, which is a good thing. my problem is that when i get stressed out, aggravated or depressed i get the overwhelming urge to eat, just stick something in my mouth, and keep shovelling it in, it takes such supreme willpower not to do that, i know that other women have that problem too, it is apparently a very common problem, i wonder what some of their secrets are. but even though i was incredibly stressed out tonight, i did manage to control myself and just eat my low fat dinner and that was it...yeah! i am determined to do this, watching what i eat, and exercising, and make some changes in myself both physically and mentally. not only do i majorly want to lose some weight, but i know that exercising will make me healthier and hopefully feel better physically but mentally too, to help with stress and stuff. my husband told me late last night that he had borrowed some money from someone and also worked something out so that by friday night he should have the money for the rent, short like 25 or 50 dollars, which i said that i should be able to come up with. so that was agreed on, so we will just be a few days late with it, and he said that he would give me the money sometime between friday and sunday so that we can drop off the money order (which i will have to get) to pay the rent on sunday night. so that resolved that, supposedly? i hope so. lets see. cause tonight we had a huge argument, it all started when last night i came home from work and found his wedding ring sitting in the middle of my papers on my desk, right near the computer and webcame of course, so i confronted him about that and he said that he had just taken it off cause his hand was swollen, and it had nothing to do with what i was saying that it was, which was that he had taken it off cause he didnt want someone that he was talking and messing with on the webcam to see that he was married. and he also took money out of wallet without telling me i think that it was sunday night, same thing didnt tell me that he took it or ask me if he could, just took it and didnt say anything to me. and then last night (or this morning depending on how you look at it) when my cell phone was ringing with him calling me at 1am, he tried calling me three times, woke me up out of my sleep hearing it, but i didnt answer and i fell back asleep. but then he was pounding on my bedroom window outside trying to wake me up. so i finally got up and had to let him in the front door of the house because he was claiming that he had locked himself out of the house. then when i woke up in the morning he tells me that he took the last bit of money that i had out of wallet 20.00. so i got upset and told him that i needed it, and he got an issue, and said fine then, just take it out of the money that i had given to you for the rent, and i will just have to try to work extra hours to replace it. then i think that the final straw was when i came tonight and the sinkful of dishes that were in there since monday that he had agreed that he would wash because i busted my butt cooking were still sitting there. and he wouldnt wash them. so i got upset with him about that, and we started arguing, there were so many things that were said that i am not even going to go into them. the end outcome was that it was a huge argument, and he said that he wasnt happy with me or the way that i treat him and that i was always nagging and complaining about everything, and that i didnt treat him well at all. he basically turned the whole thing around like it was my fault. so i said well if you arent happy and i am not happy we should probably just call it quits. which set him off saying that i always said that, i always wanted to end it, so i said well i am not happy with you, this doesnt seem like a marriage. so first he said that he wasnt going to leave and be the one to look for a place to stay, so i said that i wouldnt be either, and then a little while later he said that he was probably going to leave, he didnt know when or he was 100% sure yet, but that at least that meant that he could get away from me. so i told him to give me a months notice, and he laughed at me, so i dont think that would happen. he made a comment to me about not wanting to have sex with me, cause all i ever did was bitch and complain, so i said oh i guess that is why you fall around with those girls online then, and he didnt even deny it this time, or argue it, he said you are right, at least i dont have to hear them annoying me. so i called him a cheat, and he just shrugged didnt even care. i am soo ready for him to go, i dont care, good riddens, the only problem would be the rent and that i cant pay it by myself, something has to give though, something has to change, cause i cant keep going on like this, i gotta figure out a way out of this situation. i cant deal with this anymore. anyway that was it with him so far at least anyway, because after all that, he went to bed at like 7pm, and has been sleeping since. i am going to try to settle down now and get some rest, i didnt have a chance to say what happened at my daughters dentist appt, so maybe i will be able to post about that tomorrow.

No Wonder I Have Been Getting Chest Pains

Relieve my stress? ha that is a laugh. that is so freaking funny, i doubt if that will ever be something that will happen. here is what happened today, and then you will know why i have chest pains that are caused by stress. first i get a message from my husband saying that i was going to have to find a preschool to put him in that was close to my job where i have my daughter, because he had an issue with the owner of the school. then i get called for the second interview, with like an hour and a half warning, cause it was snt yesterday when i had already left work. so i went to the second interview, and because of my dumb husband and the message that he had left saying that i was changing his preschool, when the director asked i said that there wouldnt be a problem with staying til like 5:05 or 5:10 because i was changing my sons preschool. and she seemed like she really wanted me to have the job, i would be very surprised if i didnt get it. she said that i should know something probably within a week of what is going on with that. then i get another message from my husband saying that he was going to be a few hundred dollars short on the rent. so i finally got to call him back and speak with him, and he says that the daycare thing hopefully got resolved and that i didnt have to worry about switching him right now, which wasnt good because i had already told the director that it wouldnt be a problem, and he also that he still hadnt figured out how he was coming up with the couple of hundred towards the rent, and was asking for me to help him. so i basically said that i didnt think so and yeah right. that i didnt have it anyway. so that didnt go over to good, i told him that i could give him the phone number for the landlady and that he could talk to her and tell her what is going on, and see what she says. cause it is his responsiblity and he needs to deal with it. but if he ruins my credit by any of this i will be soooo upset it wont even me funny. then my direct supervisor, who is like one step above me, had a talk with me, not me really being in trouble or on the books or anything, but i guess sort of helpful things to me because i was trying to get the other job, about how she wants me to start taking less calls because i am rushing and missing things, so she wants me to take my time more and pay more attention to the accounts, and also watch the time i am not available for a call, which she said that she was going to be talking to everyone about though, and also that i needed to watch my tone, cause she had one complaint about that personally with me today about that. so that was just great, even though i wasnt in trouble or anything, it isnt good to hear that you arent doing things well at work. then i went to the gym today for the first time in six months, and that actually went okay. which was the one thing today that made me happy. i had to of course bring my kids with me, and leave them at the childcare location, and they were both really well behaved. which made me soo happy. i was worried about how they would act. i got an okay workout in 45 minutes of cardio, and another maybe 30 mins of weights and other exercises. i am of course, sore right now but that is okay, at least i know that i can do it, and have hopefully gotten back into the swing of things, i am tired and am going to go to bed now, so probably more about that, and the rent issues tomorrow.

Not As Much Ranting, Just Acceptance

i am accepting everything that is going on in my life, and i have to try not to stress myself out or get myself as upset about them anymore. i went to my doctor today, and she said that i need to not be that stressed out, because my stess is what is causing my headaches and chest pains, i could go into complete details of the medical reasons of why that is occuring but the short version is that i need to not be as stressed out anymore, because it is bothering my health. the doctor did do an ekg and as far as that goes it came out normal. my lungs with regards to my coughing are okay, she said that the coughing is probably just from my asthma and allergies because she doesnt hear anything else going on. so i guess that was one piece of good news, even though the cough does bug me at times, at least it isnt as bad as it was before thats for sure. these chest pains are killing me though, they hurt really bad at times. she gave me pain pills to take but they can make you drowsy so i dont want to take them during the day, maybe at night. speaking of things that i am trying not to let myself get stressed out with but is happening anyway, my rent is due in like 2 days i have to drop it off in the office, and now my husband is starting that bullshit saying that he doesnt think that he is going to have enough to pay the rent, and that i might have to take some money out of the bill money to help him and then he would have to pay it back. so i ended that right then and there and said that i didnt have any money saved for the bills, cause they already got paid, he didnt have any response that one. except to say that he really hoped that he was going to make it because he didnt know how much his paycheck was yet from the day job cause he didnt pick it up yet, he said that he was going to cash it tomorrow. so there you go, how am i not going to get stressed out about these things, even though i try so hard not to let it bother me or get stressed out about it. and then he had said that he was going to be using the cash that he was making from his night job to help pay for the rent cause he was knew that the day job check wouldnt be enough. so he worked today and instead of bringing hom 75 dollars like he should have he brought home 30 to give to me to hold for the rent. absoluetly ridiculous. well, lets see what happens tomorrow with the check.

Caution..Ranting Follows

if you dont want to read a blog which is going to be basically be filled with me ranting and nothing else, then please dont read this. save yourself. cause i need to rant and just get it all out. so here goes....my husband is really bugging me, irritating me mostly, and i have vowed to not let him get to me, and not to really let him piss me off, and i have been doing really good at that. but i am going to let loose here with all of the things that he has been going lately that are bothering me. today i went grocery shopping, spent the day with kids, and cooked for hours, i made a huge spanish dinner, with a seven layer dip, enchiladas, mexican rice, flan, and arroz con leche which is rice with milk translated, it is a version of rice pudding. so between all of those things, that i made, which all came out really well, i was cooking for hours. he got home at about 4pm, and i warned him not to get full on beer and to make sure that he had an appetite, i had also told him what i was making while he was at work too. instead at 6pm when it is dinner time and all the food is done, he takes two bites and says that he is full, cause he was snacking all day at work. mind you he also had three beers between 4 and 6pm. so that pissed me off. all that work and he didnt even eat any of it. and he knows that every sunday night i make a big meal, and he eats all day at work leaving no room for the food that i am busting my butt making. then he says to me do you mind if i use the computer, after he takes the two bites of food, so i said fine go ahead, just for a little bit NOT all night. so what does he do, at 6:30 he goes on and doesnt leave the bedroom until 9pm when i told him to get his butt off so that i could use it. so he is on all night, and doesnt do shit, spends no time with the kids at all, except to yell at them which is nothing new. it has gotten to the point with the kids, not really my son, cause he hasnt said anything yet, but my daughter really, when she finds out that he is home or that he isnt going to work she gets unhappy. she has actually asking him before, are you going to work tonight, and he says no, and she is like aww man, and is unhappy that he is going to be home. so that says something when your kid doesnt want the man who has acted as a father to her on and off for the past 5 years to be home when she is. that is really something. and then of course the fact remains that tomorrow is the 29th, my rent is due on the 1st, and he doesnt have a dime towards the rent saved yet, he is supposed to be getting a 2 week check from his day job tomorrow that he is going to be supposedly signing over to me, lord knows if he will really sign that over to me, and how much that will be. so i said to him will that and the money that you make from your night job that you are supposedly going to be getting soon be enough and first he said yes, and then he said hopefully i will. which doesnt seem that definite to me. so he of course had to make the comment of well if i hadnt given you the money for your teeth, but the thing is that after he gave me that money he had like 300 dollars left that he didnt save he kept it for himself and blew it, and then of course all the money that he makes from the night job, he doesnt save any of that either, so there you go, it would be his own fault. okay i am done ranting for the night, lets see what happens tomorrow with my doctors appt and also with his check.

Auugggghhhh Men

men have been getting on my nerves today. my daughters father called me up a few times, potentially just for nothing but to ask me several dumb things that didnt even really make any sense. and probably just to annoy me, but i didnt mind that as much cause he was saying that he was going to give me the child support for next month on monday, which a few days ahead of time, and is also the day that i have to leave work early to go to my doctor, and i would need some money for my copayment with the doctor and for my prescriptions so that is okay.

today the big thing was my husband, as usual. he annoyed me by calling me like three times when i was on my way home, and he had gotten off work and had beaten me home. and was asking me where i was, what i was doing, etc. and he had to do this like three times in a half hour. then i get home, i promised my kids a party with me if they cleaned up their room nice, so they did, and so we had our party. the only thing that my husband did for it was get a pizza (which he just walked like a block to get and they gave it to him for free). everything else i did, i played games with the kids, made a gingerbread house with them, everything. what he did was stay in the bedroom on that webcam website talking to girls and doing god knows what with them as usual. he keeps acting like that, not respecting that i told him that it bothers me. and that is cheating in my book. he just keeps doing it anyway, whether i am taking care of the kids while he does it, or sleeping, or out he still does it. and also today is the 27th my rent is due in couple of days, and he has not a dime for it, i dont know if he is going to be able to come up with that much money in a few days, i know that he has a 2 week paycheck coming up from one job and he has maybe another week pay coming from the other one, so i dont know, i know that i am not going to help him out this time. let him deal with it himself. i am just not doing it anymore, i have taken a step back from everything lately. he took 20.00 dollars out of my wallet a couple of days ago without asking me or telling me, so out of the money that i had for him that i was holding to pay his cell phone bill i took that money, so when it came time to pay his cell phone bill he was short money and i didnt pay for it. so it was turned off until he came up with the money to give me so that i could pay for it, i am just not messing around with it anymore, if he is short on something because he is blowing his money on things that i am not going to talk about here, then i am not going to cover for him anymore, i am done. i am also done trying to even pretend that this is a marriage, he doesnt want to spend time or do things with the kids like a family, he doesnt treat me like his wife he treats me like dirt, and he is still "cheating" on me, so he is just doing whatever the hell he wants to do, so i am going to do the same thing. i am really done with him.

i hadnt heard anything about the results of the interview from my job, but what my decision on it was that if i got called for the second interview with the director of the division, that i would tell her about my five o clock problem and see what she said, and if it was still the same thing that there was no way that i would be able to be guaranteed to leave at five, then i wouldnt be able to take it. but being that i havent even heard anything right now anyway, then who knows if i am even in the running for the job. oh well, i am not worried about it at all, cause i probably cant take the job anyway.

i dont know if i have mentioned him before, but i have been talking to this guy online, we have been instant messaging online every day or every other day for like the past probably month and a half or so, and now of course it has been going to the next level of talk of meeting and everything. he is two years younger then me, lives with his parents cause he cant afford to live on his own right now (which i can understand), and he is a tutor/substitute teacher and is still in college. he said that he should be done with college this year. we seem to get along okay, and have been talking a lot. and i had originally agreed to meet him on the 3rd of next month but i had forgotten that i had already planned to go out with the girls that night, so i asked him if the 10th was okay, and he said yes. so as it stands now, we are going to meet. i have all sorts of different feelings about it, i am not getting pushed into meeting him so it is nothing like that. i know that one of the feelings is being scared that i am going to get hurt. which of course just one meeting wouldnt equal that, i just need to try to take it slow and not get that attached that fast, cause i dont want to get burned again. i am scared of that. so i am trying my best to take this and make this as slow as humanly possible.

More Issues To Try To Deal With

like i really needed more issues to deal with and try to handle. isnt that great? my daughters father took my daughter to the dentist on wednesday, and they did her cleaning and xrays and told him that she had 5 cavities, i was of course at work, so i wasnt there to say anything. but supposedly she has all the cavities in her adult molars, so those arent baby teeth, and she needs them, so they have to get filled. which wouldnt have normally been a problem if she had normal dental insurance, but hers isnt normal. they only cover silver fillings, which like no offices do anymore, they only do white. so because that office only does white, the whole thing would be not covered, and total with a discount for all the fillings it would be 950.00. which is incredible, that isnt something that i can afford, even if my ex paid half of it which he would. the only way would be for me to wait and take it out of my tax return and then there goes the money that i save for emergencies and unexpected things. so i spoke with her insurance, and they said that she has up to 800.00 per year in benefits, after that they cover nothing (and with the cleanings and xrays that probably used at least 300.00 which would mean that she probably has 500.00 left). so i found a dentist that does carry both silver and white fillings that covers her insurance, and that "sometimes" does silver fillings, and i made an appt with him for weds and i am leaving work early so that i can take her and deal with it, cause i am not leaving it up to my ex to do this time. and i guess that we will have to take it from there and see what happens, they said that she gets another 800.00 the beginning of july cause that is how the year runs, so i dont know if i am going to have some of it done now, if he will even do the silver fillings, and then have some done after july. i havent figured out what i am doing yet with that. i am not that happy about making her have cavities in her mouth til july, when the insurance gives her more money. i am just going to have to wait and see what happens. now i am concerned because i dont even know how she could have gotten 5 cavities and she is 6 1/2 years old, she isnt even 7 yet. and i dont give her candy, cakes, or cookies, very rarely does she get anything like that to eat. and i make sure that she brushes her teeth, and i go over it after her. so i dont know. i do know what i wasnt that good with her getting her teeth cleaned every 6 months or whatever it is cause she didnt have insurance for it, but i wouldnt think that would do it. oh well. i am going to have to start getting better with her and my son about it as much as i can. my son needs to go to a dentist and have his teeth cleaned and everything, so i tried to call his insurance and find out where i could take him, and i was given another number to call to get dental providers, and i called that number and was put into someones personal voice mail to leave a message. it seems like nothing can ever be easy for me. geez. so now i am sure that i am have to go chase them down to try to get a dentist for him to go to. and i have to get myself in to a dentist too, i am trying to locate an office that has saturday hours, so that i dont have to take more time off work. i need my cleaning and i would like to have xrays done off my mouth, cause i am sure that i have more things wrong with me, cause i still have pain in my mouth on and off which stinks. i am taking a lot of time off work as it is, i am leaving early this monday afternoon, so that i can go the doctor and have this cough and lungs thing that wont go away checked on again and also of course i am leaving early on weds to take my daughter to the dentist. but what am i going to do? i have no choice. i tried to find a dentist that had saturday hours for her, but i couldnt find one that had saturday hours, took her insurance, and still carried silver fillings. so what else could i do? my daughters health comes before everything for me, same with my sons of course.

Lesson Learned---Always Read Your Bills

i learned a lesson over the weekend about not doing what i have done for over a year, which is not looking that carefully about certain bills, like my cable bill which is what i am talking about, and just paying them without really paying attention. i actually looked at my bill, and i mean really read it when i got it, and i discovered two things about it. they billed me for a service that i didnt have, some digital music thing for 10 months at 7.95 a month, and i never ordered that. and then they were also billing me starting october for another digital box which i have never had. so i called on saturday and disputed that with them, and called back today to followup on it, the extra digital box i was told was taken off the account yesterday (not that they called me and told me that) and that i would be credited, even though he wouldnt tell me what the amount of that would be. regarding the music thing, which if you add it up is what i totaled the most, almost 80 dollars, he told me that someone would call me within 7-10 bizs days about that (yeah right, they are going to call ME), so i am going to have to wait and see about that. i am sure that i am going to end up calling them about it. so that is my lesson, always read your bills, even if it is just your electric or cable bill, cause you never know what they are going to try to bill you for that you didnt ask for.

today was a stressful day at work, i was supposed to have my interview tomorrow in the morning and instead today at noon they emailed me that they were rescheduling it to 2:30. so i answered back that i wanted to let them know that i wasnt dressed for an interview (i was wearing jeans) and also that i didnt have my resumes or anything. so they said fine, not to worry about it, and i went. and it was a long 45 minute interview, they asked me everything that you could possibly think about customer service, and they answered some of my questions too. regarding me having to leave at 5pm, that isnt something that can be guaranteed and they cant make me be that way, and no one else be. if there are calls left i have to get them, they said that doesnt usually happen, and that usually by 5:05 or 5:10 you are out of there, for the latest or usually 5:00 but that you never know. also the other thing was that they are even more strict then i thought they were, with lisitening to your calls, you having to follow scripts, them always knowing what you are doing if you arent on the phone, so it is a lot different too. which isnt that huge of a deal, because the company i worked for before this one was like that, even though i hated them being like that, the after 5:00 is a big deal for me, i really dont know about that. if i am late to pick up my son that is real issues. so that is not even an option i cant be late to pick him up. i dont even know yet if i have the job or anything yet, it is between me and two other people for it, and i was told that they should be conducting second interviews for it this week, so we will see if i get called back for one. so i am trying not to even think about a decision of if i want the job yet or not cause i dont even know if i have it yet. so i am going to wait and see what happens.

speaking of my sons preschool, i was actually a few minutes early today, and i tried to slip in and get my son and slip out again, but the director/owner caught me and started with me. i usually try to leave really quick because sometimes she gets in moods where she seems like she always has something that she wants to whine about. and because my husband does work for the school, and we dont really pay them it isnt like she can whine and i can tell her to kiss my you know what, because we pay you to watch my kid. cause we dont, or at least we havent in months anyway. so anyway, i cant tell her off like i want to when she starts in on me, all i can say is that i will tell my husband, and that he will talk to her about it. like tonight for example, she started in on me saying that my husband cant keep bringing my son there late, and that it is throwing off his schedule at school, and blah blah, she just started carrying on about it. so i said that i would relay the message to my husband cause i leave the house early in the morning, and she just kept going. so finally i raised my hands up in the air, and said again all i can do is just relay the message. and i finally left. finally. geez. i wish she wouldnt bother me about it, and would just discuss it with him, it isnt like she doesnt see him 5 mornings a week when he brings my son there. geez.

Work Today

work today was nothing that was that interesting really, just a tiring busy day at work. which is nothing new cause mondays are always busy, and tuesdays usually too, and then it starts to slow down more and more (hopefully) as the week goes on. i have my interview on wednesday morning, which even though i am not sure if i am even going to take the job if i get it, and i really want the other position which i am not sure even is open right now, i have decided that i am going to give it my best shot and see what happens. i have the outfit picked out already, the shoes, the hairstyle, the attitude, which is going to be one of determination. and i have decided that i am going to be completely honest, and tell them that i have to leave exactly at 5pm, and also that i am interesting in the other position as well. (if it even exists) and see what happens. i am not that sure about this anyway right now, so i wouldnt be upset if i dont get it, cause i will think at least i tried and gave it my best shot, and now i know. but i am definetly going to give it my best. there is of course other people that are going for that job as well (the one that i am actually interviewing for), so i have competition too. so we will see what happens.

My Weekend

my weekend was very tiring, i got up at 6am on saturday, worked from 7:15-11am, i would have worked more but my ex who was watching the kids for me, said that he had to go to work. so i left at 11am, but at least that should help me out a little bit on this paycheck. so then after that, i took the kids to burger king for lunch, met my parents there, and let the kids play on the playground. then after that did my shopping at walmart, after that i just got really tired, came home didnt even have the energy to cook, my husband went and got us a pizza. i helped my kids clean there room for like 2 hours. and then i felt so incredibly tired that i laid down in bed at like 8:45pm and didnt wake up again til this morning at 7:30am. so i guess that i really needed some sleep. i dont know. i felt better when i got up this morning though, which was good at least i didnt still feel tired. then today was cooking and errands day, i cooked breakfast, lunch, dinner and dessert, did 5 loads of laundry, and all the dishes. so i am tired now too.

and now i have to work 5 days starting of course tomorrow, and i am going to have to try to get in as much overtime as i can because i dont want to (nor do i think that i will be able to) work another saturday morning. and i really need the money. so that is what i am going to have to do. it is just so hard to pull myself out of bed at 6am. but i am going to have to do my best, and go to bed as early as possible too, so that i can get myself as much sleep as i can. well, i have my interview on weds for the other division of my company, and i am going to mention something to them about how i have to leave at 5pm everyday to pick up my son and see what they say. my stupid husband doesnt think that i should say anything now until i have the job, but i dont want to take the job, or say that i want it, and then have that problem. i was also told by someone (who isnt manager so that doesnt mean that this is true) that there was another position open in that division for a job, and that job would have me leaving at 5pm or earlier everyday. so i am going to mention that i am interesting in that job too, if it isnt open of course, but i have no experience for that job, so i dont know if i would even get that job. oh well, i guess it is all worth a shot, i still havent even figured out what i wanted to do about all this yet. i have picked out my outfit that i am going to wear, one of my business suits, the only one that really fits me nice, and looks good on me. of course, it is tighter then i used to be (which i am not even going to try to think about) and it is missing a button now, but luckily it still looks really good. my husband agreed that it looks good on me, so hopefully that means that it really does.

my husband has been on my pissed off at list, which is of course nothing new for him, but still. he is having issues at his daytime job, which is the one that pays all his share of the bills, and everything else that needs to be paid. and he got upset with them today, and basically walked out. so lets see if he even has a job left now. i am not even getting upset about it anymore, i honestly think that anything that he does wouldnt surprise me anymore. he still has his night job, which he said that he is going to work at like 5 nights a week or so, which is aggravating me also, because as it is as soon as he gets home from the day job when he isnt working at night he ignores everyone and goes on the computer. my computer. and talks to women and fools around with them, while i am dealing with the kids, eating dinner with them and everything else. and he isnt respecting my issues about it either, i told him that i didnt like him doing that. if he is going to do whatever he wants and not listen to me, and act like we arent married, then i am going to start doing the same thing again too. i havent done it in a little while, but i am most likely going to be starting again. it isnt really aggravating me that he is working, i am all for him working, but what is bugging me i suppose is that when he is here, he ignores the kids. and doesnt do crap, lets me do everything with them, and in the house. and only sits on the computer, doing lord knows what these women. well i do know what i just want to not think about it. i am not really concerned about like my going out or getting my nails done (my every two week treat to myself) cause he said that i could just tell him so that he would not work that day, it is just all the other things. i dont know, it seems like a lot of people have been annoying me lately, i think it is partially just me lately too. i have been having mood swings a lot, maybe it is hormonal. people that dont usually annoy me have been annoying me too, which is strange. so it is probably hormonal like i was thinking.

i have been very casually talking to HIM on my space, just idle chat really, nothing major which is good, i dont even want to think about him like that anymore, cause i know that there is no future there. havent heard from him a couple of days, which i really dont care about either way, cause like i said it is just idle chat, and now that i know he is alive whatever. a little while ago, his profile was changed back to in a relationship, so i guess something got changed or figured out again, who knows.

The Work Update

I turned in my resume and my application for transfer today to my manager, who signed off on it, and then told me to give it to the manager over the department that I am applying for. So I gave it to that manager and within minutes was given an interview time and date, which is Wednesday morning. I am definitely going to go the interview and give it my best, even though I haven’t even really decided if I want the job or not. Another bad point that I realized about it is that I probably wouldn’t be able to leave at 5pm like I do with the job that I have now, because they don’t get to leave til like 5:04 and that is if there are no calls waiting to be answered. If there is they have to stay until they are gone and answer them, which would be a problem for me. Cause now as soon as it hits 5 I am gone, and the managers don’t usually say anything about. There has been issues before, and who knows there might be again, that is why I said usually, but as of now there isn’t any. So anyway. That would be a major problem because I have to pick up my son by a certain time and if I am not out exactly at 5 then I am almost always late. So I like I said if they did offer me the job I would have some decisions to make and things to figure out. Well we will just see how everything goes. I may work for a few hours on Saturday we will see what happens, because I need to really make up the hours that I used, and I need the money. That and I have a huge stack of work that has been piling up on my desk that I need to start getting down. I asked my daughters father and he said that he would watch both of my kids while I worked for like 3 hours. So tomorrow I am going to make sure that there is going to be a supervisor there tomorrow so that I can work, and as long as there is going to be one, I am going to work as long as everything goes okay with my ex and watching the kids and everything.

My lungs have been feeling better, which is a good thing. I just started the medicine that she prescribed to me today, which involved me taking 6 pills today,and then tapering down 1 pill every day, til I don’t take them anymore after like a week. And it seems to be making me feel better already which is a good thing. Hope that keeps up and I start to really feel like my normal self again. That would be nice, I haven’t felt like that in a really long time.

Here are the pictures of my daughter with no top front teeth, I think that she looks very cute:

No More Teeth

while i was at work today my daughters father brought my daughter to the dentist, for what i thought would be a exam and cleaning, because she hasnt had one of those in a while. i am not even going to say how long because i feel ashamed of that fact. but anyway, she went to the dentist, and instead of what i thought was going to happen happening, the dentist pulled out of her front teeth. now yes i do agree that it was on the verge of coming out, and yes it was extremely noticeable crooked because the one next to it had already came out. so it looked really bad. however, my ex (daughters father) told me that not only did they numb her up and get everything ready to pull it without advising him of how much it would be, but then they pulled it, and told him that they didnt really have to do it because it would have came out on its own in a week or two. now i dont know how likely that is due to the fact that it was loose for at least a month, but why would they pull it and then tell him that. why now just wait to pull it and see if it came out on its own first. and then with her insurance, they still charged him 30 dollars without even making sure that was okay with him first by giving him an estimate like they gave me before they did my work. and with the insurance that she has, i dont think that we are supposed to pay anything, so that is something that i am going to have to look into, if i remember or have a chance. she looks very cute and funny without both of her front teeth and just a gaping hole where they both were, i forgot to take a picture of her and she is in bed now, but i will try to take a picture tomorrow and put it on here. she was happy because the dentist gave her the tooth that they pulled in a bag to put under her pillow for the tooth fairy, so once she falls asleep the tooth fairy is going to have to remember to go in her room and leave her something under her pillow.

i also had a trip to the doctors today, i had to ask to leave work early to go to the doctors today, because i have a cough that is just not getting better, and is getting really bad, i cant breathe and it feels like it is in my lungs. so i went to my primary care doctor this time, and sure enough i have congestion and fluid in my lungs, so she gave me a steriod to take (pill form) and also to take my steroid rescue inhaler every 6 hours, and that should start breaking it up so that i could get it all out of me. so hopefully that will help, the stinky part though is that all those steroids are going to make me so shaky and hyper it is going to be incredible, i hate that, the other bad part is that it isnt going to stop me from coughing right away because it is going to help me to bring all of that stuff up. but hopefully will all of this i will start to feel better soon. i had an issue with my insurance too today, a prescription (the inhaler) that i used to pay 6 or 8 dollars for with my insurance came up to 24 dollars with my insurance because they changed it so that it could protect the ozone layer, which is just great for the ozone, but sucks for people like me who need that medication so that they can breathe and function everyday. they said that there was a way around it, if my doctor called me in something else, and that if not, i would have to get that. so i called the doctor, left a message, she of course didnt call me back today, and for now i am going to use what i have, i think that it should still be good. i hope.

also today at work one of the supervisors in my department asked me if i had applied for the postition that is open with the other part of my company and i said no, that i was still thinking about it, so she said that i should go for it, and that if i dont go for it today or tomorrow that i wouldnt be able to. she also said that if i tried to get it, and got it, and then decided that i didnt want it, that i could just say that i had changed my mind, and that it wouldnt be an issue, i would still be in the same position that i am in. she was saying that i should put in my paperwork today to start the process, but i said that i couldnt because my resume isnt ready. so she said that i should turn everything in tomorrow, so tonight i updated my resume and printed it out and it looks good, and i am going to start the process tomorrow. as far as i know, the process is that you give your transfer request form and resume in to your manager, who approves (or denies it i guess) and then she gives it to the other division of the company. they then set up for an interview with them, and depending on how that goes, even a second interview, then you wait and see what happens from there. so i dont know yet, if i get it, i am not sure if i would take it, cause it has its good points and its had points of taking it. the good points would be that i would still have a job, making the same money that i have now, same benefits (with insurance) that i have now, and also i think that i would be able to have my one year review/raise? (if they thought that i deserved one). the bad points are that they are different, more stricter, and numbers oriented then what i have now, and that if they dont like me or i dont like them and i no longer work there, then i would lose the one month extra of pay that i would get by staying with the company til the end and then leaving. so i dont know what is going to happen yet, i am going to wait and see what happens with and after the interviews and everything if they even want me for that position.

Finally A Little Good News

i got a phone call from the doctor today, and when i finally got a hold of him, after playing an agonizingly painful game of phone tag with him, he gave me my test results. it was good news, better then i was thinking that it would be. the doctor said that the test results were "okay" and that in another few months i need to come back there to get retested again, and see where i am at basically. so as of right now, nothing further needs to be done. and that is it for that right now. the next time that i have to go back for my recheck i might not have insurance anymore, because that may fall when i have lost my job and to continue the insurance with cobra is 400 dollars per month which just cant happen. so i dont know what i am going to do yet about that, i was trying to look into getting a insurance with a private company on my own and have so far gotten just general quotes based on my age and the plan of 170 per month, and 260 per month, and i dont think that they cover much i have to look into that and see i guess. my job has just one opening in a position equivalent to mine in another part of the company that i could try applying for, i just still havent decided what i want to do, becuase there is only one position there, and by doing that if i got it and took it (which is a big if), if anything went wrong like i didnt like it there, which i dont think that i would because they are a lot more strict and different from what i am used to, or if they didnt like me and fired me, then i would lose the package that i am being offered by leaving when my time is up which is about a months worth of pay. i dont know it is just something that i am thinking about. if i left the company when my time is up i would be able to be rehired within the company but that is if they have something that i can be rehired for and also if they would want to rehire me once i got all that money for leaving. so i dont know, i am trying to think about all of these things. my husband did something really nice for me today, i asked him to go to the store and get some medicine for me, and amazingly enough he did, didnt whine about it or anything, or ask me for the money back, when i got home from work the medicine was sitting there waiting for me. which was very nice, i have to wonder why though maybe he was feeling guilty about something who knows. but anyway at least he did something nice for me, that and giving me the money that he said that he would two nice things for me that he said that he would do. amazing. my son fell in the house today, smashing his forehead against the corner of the wall, and gave himself a huge bump that immediately swelled up and turned black and blue. he was of course crying hysterically for a while until he finally calmed down and wanted a band aid on it, whenever he gets hurt, he wants a bandaid no matter what happened to him. the weird part was that he wanted my husband to take care of him and cuddle him and not me, and only when my husband told him that he was doing something and was busy then my son came to me, and not before. and he was still asking for my husband when he was with me. which was weird because no matter who is there, i have always been the one that my son runs too. i wonder why the difference now. oh well, the main thing is that he is feeling better now, he also still awake and hasnt fallen asleep yet and his bedtime is normally at 8. but at least i dont have to worry about him having a concussion and falling asleep with it now. so i just have to watch him a little bit now once he falls asleep.

The Pictures From Sat Nite

these are two pictures of me, taken of course by my friend. i also took pictures of her, but every single one that was taken she said didnt look good, and was deleted. which they looked fine, but anyway. here are the pictures of me:

My Day

well, today was an interesting day. apparently people took seriously the poem that i had posted, and thought that i was going to commit suicide. i guess next time if i like something or write something like that i should put an explanation of why i am posting something like that first. which as i stated in the post after it, was just because i am worried about my health issues that i am having and the results that i am waiting for, and was just putting that on there because that is how i want people to think and remember me if something should happen to me not that i was going to make something happen to me and commit suicide. that is totally the wrong way to take that. and if i was ever to think that way, i would get myself help first i wouldnt do that. so thank you to the people that were concerned about me, but that isnt something that i am thinking of doing, cause if i have never considered it with all of the shit that i have been through in my life, why the hell would i consider it now. anyway. enough on that subject, that subject is now over in my opinion. i had a nice time when i went out on saturday night, me and my friend went out and had a nice time. i was really proud of myself, because i went all out dressing up, really nice hot outfit, hair done, makeup done, perfume on, the works. it was just us, the other girls that we usually hang out with werent able to go for various reasons, which is what we had figured would happen, so we were prepared for it. we went to dinner and then went to the billards club again, and had a nice time. i had one or two guys eyeballing me at dinner, but it wasnt that big of a deal. then we went to the billiards club, and when we were leaving i had a guy yelling out his car window at me. how classy. then on my way home from everything, i had a guy at 7-11 trying to hit on me, he was eeewwww yucky to me, so i just said that i was married so that he would leave me alone. it worked too. but here is a question. when you are a guy, and you are trying to hit on a girl by saying hey whats up, and they answer by saying nothing much and keep walking, why would you say to them whats wrong dont like black guys? like that is the reason that she wasnt interested, and not any other reasons, so for that i just responded, i am married and left it at that. but honestly though, what kind of question is that. had it ever occured to you that black or white the girl just wasnt interested? geez. some men are just ridiculous. i am trying not to worry to much about my test results, especially being that the doctor had said that from what he saw everything should be fine, and that he would be very surprised if it came back bad. so hopefully that is true, it keeps haunting me though, and i keep trying to keep myself busy so that it isnt in worrying me to much. i am not feeling that great still either, i still have this cough weird drip thing that isnt going way, related to the upper respiratory thing, i was coughing so bad at some points today that my husband was like wow that doesnt sound that good, and i said yeah it doesnt feel that good either. like duh. you can see how concerned that he was about it. on the plus side, he actually gave me the money that he had said that he would, paying for my teeth to be pulled and giving me the extra money to help me out with the groceries for the next 2 weeks. of course he had also said that he would give me extra money in another 2 weeks again for those groceries, and now he is saying that he doesnt know, but at least he gave me the money that he had promised me now, because i really needed it. i am just so happy that he stuck to something that he had said especially something that was this important. because my bank account was getting so low that it was scary. and now also another thing that has been worrying me is that the other side of my mouth is hurting, and the there is a part on my gums near my tooth that is really hurting which probably signifies an infection. so that is great. i just hope that it can wait a little while before i deal with it, cause i have too many things going on right now, and definetly not enough money.

Regarding The Last Post

i didnt write that poem in the past blog, it was something that i read and thought was meaningful so i typed it in and posted it. i am not considering committing suicide nor have i ever given it more then a minutes worth of thought in my whole life. if i was ever to give serious thought to doing something like that i would get myself help first. so everyone who was worried about me because of my last post, thank you for your concern, but i am not suicidal. honestly my thoughts behind copying that poem and putting it in my blog were that if anything was to happen to me because of the health issues that i have going on (and not because i was going to commit suicide, which was not crossing my mind at all) that is what i would want my friends and family to think. that was meant to go along with my phrase that i have posted in most of my profiles "live every day like it was your last because you never know if it will be." not that i would take my life and make it be my last. i know that my mood may not at times be that great, and i may be upset at times but that doesnt mean that i would do that.

"Remember Me"

"Remember Me"

"Remember me always, but do not grieve for me too long. I have tried always to comfort you in times of sorrow, and have made every effort to add joy to your life. I never wanted to cause you pain. Peace for me is certain now, and I suspect I will have eternal sleep in the earth that I loved so well.

Please, after your period of grieving for me, make room in your heart for another. You are the kind of human being that should always have a friend like me to love. Your kind and gentle heart should not be wasted on my memory for too long. Give your love to another. I know your new friend will never take my place, because we had something very special.

It may not be quite the same, but a new and devoted companion will in time, become special in their own way. You loved me very much and I loved you. My spirit will always be with you, and no matter how deep that I sleep, my grateful heart will always remember you."

Author Unknown

My Interesting Thursday

my last thursday was incredible, it cant even describe it except to say that it wasnt a good day. i woke up with a splitting headache/migraine, that was so bad that i could barely pull myself out of bed, i had to lay in bed for like an hour, so that i could finally get myself out of bed and go to work. then all day i was at work, i was in pain with my head and felt so bad that in the afternoon i just wanted to go home. and there was no supervisors available for like an hour and a half or two hours, so i started to get really upset because of how i felt and the amount of stress that i am under and everything and i started to cry and didnt stop for like an hour. and couldnt stop myself in the middle of my job and everyone saw me, which wasnt great. i of course said that the main reason for me crying was because i was in a lot of pain, which was one of the reasons. but amazingly enough, i felt a whole lot better after i finally got a grip on myself and stopped crying. anyway, i finally left work 2 hours early, and leaving fell and landed only on one knee outside on the gravel scraped and banged up my knee really good which today being monday still freaking hurts. i also went to the urgent care, where i was diagnosed yet again with a upper respiratory infection, and was put again on antibiotics. so that was my great day. if i keep getting those infections i am going to have that looked into further with my primary doctor, because that isnt normal. i get one of them like every month.

I Am So Aggravated And Upset

i am so aggravated and upset right now that i just have to let it all out and rant some about it because maybe this will help. i really hope that it does. i am upset because i found out that the cobra insurance to let me carry insurance after i no longer have my job because they are making me give it up because they are relocating, is going to be 400.00 per month. and there is no way that i can pay for that per month. but how good is it going to be for me to be without insurance for any amount of time. lets see, i am waiting for the results from the biopsy back, because i could have that "c" word, either now, or in the future would have to be taken care of. and hope it can be taken care of in a way that isnt a big deal to my future or having kids in the future. and now after all the freaking things that i had done with my mouth over like the past 2 weeks, a filling, extraction, i am still having pain again, and it isnt oww i just had my tooth pulled pain, cause that is a different pain and that had went away. this is oww it seems like there is something wrong again. which is upsetting me, cause not only does that mean more money to fix it that i dont have, but oww more pain and crap to go through again. and then there is of course my annoying husband who seems to have gone out of his way to upset me today, or maybe he was just in a bad mood and acting like a you know what who knows. first of all he hasnt been on my good list because he has been having cyber sex seeing naked women on webcams and showing himself on webcam lately, he has also been talking and seeing naked women (and probably having cyber sex to) for months that i havent even known about til now. so that right there is bothering me, because it is on my computer first of all, and i thought that our relationship was getting better and now he is doing or still doing this, of course it is going to wreck our relationship. heck with that as far as i am concerned right now there is no relationship if he is doing that. because what kind of relationship is that, and in his mind even though he knows that it is bothering me, he thinks that it is no big deal and that it is comparable to going to a strip club, i definetly dont think that it is. and knowing that it bothers me and him still doing it, means that he is just doing whatever he wants, so i am just going to do whatever i want then screw him. i dont care anymore. i need to find someone that will take care of me, love me, and treat me with the respect that i deserve to have, not just good when they feel like it or want something from me. i came home from getting my nails done. which i only do once every 2 weeks, and he jumped down my throat about where his jacket was, which i have been borrowing/using for like the past year. so i replied that i had it, and left it at work today, and he flipped out about it, and said that i better bring it back tomorrow, because it was his. never mind that he hasnt cared about it for the past year or so. so that was one thing, then the other thing was that he told me that i might want to get some quarters so that we could do laundry, and so i said to him what happened to the roll of quarters that i just bought on saturday night for our laundry, i know that we only did 2 loads out of which is 4.00 and there is now 1.50 left, so that leaves like 4.50 unaccounted for, which by the way is basically the amt of a pack of cigarettes so he said dont worry about it, just get some more quarters so i said oh, i bet that you would worry about it if it was your money that bought those quarters, and he didnt have anything to say, just started yelling at me some more. just to spite him i am not going to get any more quarters let him worry about how he is going to wash his clothes, which should be interesting being that he has to work both jobs for the next 2 days, and then sat and sun at one job, and he only has 2 pairs of pants that he can wear there, and he cooks so he is bound to get them dirty. i have a reserve of quarters that i have saved just for when he pulls something like this, so i know that i will have clean clothes, i will just wash them when he isnt here so he doesnt know. hopefully he just wont find the quarters, cause i really want to try to teach him a lesson, he has pissed me off so bad with this.

My Face Today

it isnt that bad which is definetly a good thing, especially being that i have to go to work tomorrow. which i am not that happy about because i am still in pain. i am going to try to do my normal job with talking on the phone and everything, and tell them that i am going to try but if i get in to much pain that i might have to stop and get off the phone and do something help. i dont know how happy that they will be about that but what am i going to do. hopefully i can get through the day doing my normal job as usual. my face doesnt like as bad as it did yesterday which is good. here are a few pictures from it today:

so at least it looks a little bit better. here are some pictures that i didnt put up from yesterday. the kids were getting restless so i took them and met my parents for lunch at burger king, then took them to chuck e cheeses, then to toys r us. here are a few pictures from them on a giant rocking horse ride that was so cool at chuck e cheeses:

My Beautiful Face!!!!

okay so i went to to both of my appointments on friday , one with the obgyn for my procedure/test which luckily wasnt quite as painful as i had imagined that it would be. it was very uncomfortable and some pain for a minute or two, but then it was done. he made it quick which was good. he said that from what he saw he would be very surprised if the test didnt come back okay, but that he was of course going to do the test anyway, and that in 2 weeks i could call him to get the results. that test wasnt that bad. and the aftermath of it was about like he said, very light spotting and a little very light cramping but not really that big of a deal. up until a few minutes ago when the spotting got really bad for a minute, i am going to have to keep an eye on that now, cause i dont really know how bad it is supposed to get. the dentist that i saw was really nice, pulled out my tooth so fast i didnt even know that he had done it til he told me. and of course being completely numb from the 3 shots that he gave me really helped too. but it was good that he was fast, he had it out probably in like 2 minutes the most. which was good because at least he didnt have me suffering too long while he was trying to take it out. so once that was done, he gave me all the care instructions and everything like that, and my parents were nice enough to follow me home (with my dad driving my car for me) so that i didnt have to worry about driving my car or how to get myself home. yesterday seems like it was the worst day the pain got pretty bad, that regular tylenol didnt even help, and i ended up taking on the of the pain pills last night so that i could sleep. which helped so that was a good thing. this morning it of course didnt hurt as much but there was a bruise on my face. i was putting ice on it today and of course yesterday. this is what my face looks like right now:

Nothing Seems Like It Can Ever Be Easy

yes i know that part in the song that says "no one said that it would be easy" but the next line in the song is "no one said it would be this hard." which is true, but it seems like things just cant be easy for me, i always have to have something to get upset or even more stressed out about it seems. i called the dentist office that i am supposed to be going to tomorrow, to confirm my appt with them for tomorrow, and the receptionist confirmed my appt but informed me that there was no guarantee that the dentist would be able to pull out my teeth because he is only a general dentist, so there are some teeth that he doesnt pull. the examples that she gave was teeth which infections or ones that are impacted. the bull you know what part is that when i made the appt last friday i wasnt told that he might not be able to pull it, i was told that he would look at it and give me a price, and then if i was ready we would do it right then and there. i wasnt told any ifs ands or buts, that was all i was told. so this is upsetting me right now, i have suffered in pain for a week, and the pain is getting worse and worse every day, and now he might not be able to pull my tooth? i dont think so. i have my parents going with me tomorrow and everything, i am ready to get this done. if i go there tomorrow, and he says that he cant pull it, then he better get me an appt with someone who can, and he better make an appt for me with them that day, otherwise i am going to show them just how really upset that i am. because i am in really bad pain, worse then a week ago, and it is getting worse, and i have been suffering for a week. i am ready mentally and physically to get this shit done. so lets do it. i need to get this tooth out cause it is killing me. so that is what is upsetting me right now, not only do am i having the procedure with the obgyn in the morning but now i am freaking about this dentist thing. i just want to get this done now. thats all. is that to much to ask geez. and then my husband was saying that he was going to give me the whole 50.00 tonight, and now he is bailing on me again, and saying that he will give me 25.00 tonight and the other amt of money tomorrow. it just seems like he cant keep to what he says that he is going to do, it is starting to really bother me now and aggravate me now. he just got home from work and gave me 20.00 instead of the 50.00 that he had told me that he would. which stinks, but i guess i should have expected it with the way that he has been acting lately. he claimed that he didnt get that much because they were slow and couldnt pay him but that they would pay him tomorrow, and that he would give it to me tomorrow. i really hope so cause i am starting to get frustrated with him. i just hope that everything goes okay tomorrow now not only do i have the obgyn procedure in the morning but now i am worried about if they are going to be able to pull my freaking tooth or if i am going to have a problem with trying to get someone to do it tomorrow, cause i really want to have it done tomorrow. i need to have it done tomorrow from the way that i have been feeling.

New Years Day Pics (a few)

True Colors, And It Figures

well, my husband upset me a little bit last night, like the last blog said, because instead of keeping to what he had said in the beginning which was that he was going to give me the whole 50.00 that he had borrowed from me, he said that he was going to give me half last night, and then the other half on thurs night. so he comes home from work last night, and gives me 24.00, not exactly half but okay, at least it was close right? so stupid me doesnt hide it like i usually hide money that i get or that he gives me (because he had a habit of taking money out of my wallet without telling me or of telling me when i am sleeping and cant hear or answer him) but he hadnt done that in a while, so i didnt think of doing that. so anyway, i noticed my gas tank was on empty this morning, so on my way to the gas station, knowing that i had the money that he had given my wallet and i was going to use that, i look and the 20 dollar bill is gone and the only thing that was left was the 4 singles. so i called him and he said that he had taken the 20 out of my wallet, didnt say why and wouldnt say. just said that he was sorry (didnt sound like he was) and that he didnt know that i needed gas, and that he was sure that i would figure something out. and that he would give me the whole 50.00 back on thursday, yeah lets see, i really hope so or i am going to be even more pissed. which of course i did, and had to take a 20 out of the child support money that my ex had given me and now i will have to put back but still that isnt the point. the point is that he gave me money i put it away in my wallet, and without telling me he went in my wallet and took it out. so that made me really upset with him, and then when i got home he didnt even act like he was sorry or cared anymore about what he did, made dinner, which was nice (but it is something that he is supposed to do being that he gets home about 2 hours before me) but he left the kitchen a mess and then went to sleep at 6:30pm leaving me with the kitchen to clean up and with the kids to deal with. which being that i deal with the by myself on the nights that he works it would be nice to have a break from it. so that is why i am upset with him now. and now i am worried about if he is going to give me the 50.00 like he said tomorrow, and also if he is going give me the money for the dentist and the money for the groceries like he had said also. he should me giving me on his next paycheck which would be on the 15th. i am just getting nervous about this now, cause he is starting to act irresponsible again, like his old self. he is also starting with the job pattern thing now too, his day job which is the steady 40 hour a week paycheck which pays the rent and everything else that needs to be paid, he said that he is having a problem with, because they have been bothering him, he made a mistake a few times, and also that he has been telling them things about what he wants to work and that he is only going to do certain things. so that isnt good, you dont just tell your job what you are or arent going to do. so i am hoping that this isnt the start of trouble, because i cant deal with that especially this month when i need the help with money.

The Updates

well last night i had my webcam on for the first time with my yahoo messenger, and the amount of guys that were talking to me at once was amazing, i think i had at least 6 at once. it was funny. tonight i had it on for a while and just had 2 guys at once, then just one. the one that i have been talking to tonight i have been talking to for a little while, he seems nice and everything but who knows. i dont really like men and am pretty much scared of them totally of them hurting me now. my ex didnt come through as much for me with money like he said that he would he only gave 60 dollars more then usual for the month, but at this point i guess that i should be thankful because any little bit helps right? i am just hoping that my husband comes through like he said for money to help me with the groceries for the month and with the money for the extraction. i also have of course my appt for the procedure with the obgyn in the morning on friday, and i have to pay my copayment for that too. and i am sure that isnt going to be very pleasant either. he borrowed money from me yesterday and told me that he was going to give me back all of it today, and now he said that he is going to give me half today and the other half on thursday. i dont know why he cant just keep to what he says i hope that he isnt starting back with his old ways again. cause right now i cant take that. my parents problem with their car wasnt fixed, but luckily they said that because they had said that they would help me out and drive me home that they still would on friday after the dentists so that was nice at least hopefully that works out. havent heard from HIM in a few days, he wrote me then i wrote him back on 12/31 havent heard from him since, his my space does say that he was logged in on 1/01 and the interesting thing is that his relationship status got changed from single to in a relationship. weird. it is almost like he cant make up his damn mind. or maybe everyone (friends, family) saw me as a friend on his my space and said that he shouldnt be talking to me again anymore, who knows. i am just so anxious about friday that i cant stand it, i am having that procedure in the morning with the obgyn then in the early afternoon i have the appt with the dentist/oral surgeon to have my tooth pulled. and i am in pain with my tooth so bad, i had a hard time falling asleep last night. and it hasnt stopped, this pain, sometimes it gets worse and sometimes it gets better, but it is always there, a nagging annoying pain at times, really bad at others. i told my boss what was happening and that on friday that i was going to have to have the wisdom tooth pulled, and i didnt know how i would be on monday, like if would be able to talk on the phone of anything like that. so she said something like we would see and figure it out or something like that, so i dont know, all i know is that if it hurts really bad to talk or i am really swollen and cant talk i am not going to try to. and i really hope that she wont have a problem with that, cause i guess that is the way that it is going to have to be.

2006 In Retrospect

Well, my new years eve last year i was very depressed and drunk, and wasnt happy at all. so this year was at least better for me, yesterday night was spent playing with the kids with fireworks, i had one wine cooler (wasnt even near being drunk), had a little fun with my husband (if you want to call it that, cause after a while i got bored), saw the new year in, and then fell asleep. so it wasnt anything exciting but at least i was depressed or upset about anything, i was actually in a fairly good mood which was nice.

But anyway as I promised here is 2006 in retrospect:

In January, I admitted to him that I still loved him and had feelings for him, he told me that we wouldnt get back together, that he couldnt be with me again, and rebroke my heart again by telling me that. Then about 2 weeks later the most, he came down here on a trip, saw me for a few hours, we said our final "goodbyes" which broke my heart again saying goodbye, cause it was so nice being with him. I also got some medication for my issues with depression that I wasnt on for that long, because it didnt make me feel well. We were still talking for the rest of this month, thought i was pregnant from what we did that night, but I wasnt. Also started seeing a therapist for my mental issues, which didnt really help that much. Very unhappy with my relationship with my husband right now too.

In February, my dog did massive destruction on the blinds in the house, he seems to have issues with storms, and hearing them. But amazingly husband didnt flip out that much about it. Relationship with husband isnt that good, he isnt mantaining a job, and is barely paying the bills, or his throwing a fit about paying them. Got 2 more ear piercings in each ear, and am still talking to HIM. Went on a mini vacation with the kids to Orlando, and saw my best friend and my godson, hadnt seen him in about a year, so it was great to see him, he was soooo cute. We celebrated his baptism and first birthday while we were there. Me and the kids had a nice time, and it was nice to get away for a little bit. Still trying to get over HIM.

In March, I was still seeing a therapist, not sure how much that it is helping though. Also still talking to HIM, not able to really get over him since he keeps having drunk conversations with me making me think that he still loves me. My husband has still been upsetting me, with the job things and his attitude, so nothing really that new there. I got and started a new job, which ended up working out well, even though I was really scared about doing that and what would happen.

In April was my husbands 30th birthday, I took him out and we had a nice night out. I spent a ton of money, but what else is new with that. Husband was driving me nuts, whining and complaining a lot, so what else was new with that too. For Easter took the kids Easter egg hunting and to some little activities like that and they had fun. Didnt really hear from HIM this month.

In May celebrated my sons 3rd birthday, and he looked so big. It really made me feel old how big that he is getting. Stopped seeing my therapist because she was annoying me about me paying her, with my insurance issues. My son also started preschool this month, again making me feel old. Joined in a gym in an effort to start losing weight, did good with that for a while, then ended up not going cause didnt have the time. Husband being an ass. HE has been just calling and hanging up on my phone, but doesnt leave a message or anything like that, and it has been in the middle of the night.

In June still working out at the gym, still having the time to go. Went on vacation with the kids to South Carolina to see my best friend and godson, he got so big that it was amazing, and is still adorable too of course. Spoke with HIM a little this month, had a few very upsetting and him being very drunk calls. Husband being a butt and really annoying me with his jobs and everything else.

In July my husband was having job issues with paying his bills and getting everything paid that he had to, which is nothing unusual but it was really upsetting to me. Spoke with HIM either one or two times this month, he called me several times, and this was the last time that I heard from him for a very long time. Later found out that he was in rehab, and had alot of things going on. He also changed his profiles from no answer to being in a long term relationship which felt like I was stabbed throught the heart. My daugher also turned 6 this month, also making me feel very very old.

In August getting very upset with my husband, would have left him if it had the money too, but I didnt so I ended up sticking with him for the moment anyway. Getting sick of being treated like I didnt exist. Resolved though to try to concentrate on the good things that my husband is doing instead of the bad, and not want the one that I cant have, but love the one that I am with.

In September, made arrangements to have a babysitter to watch the kids while me and my husband went out, ended up very unhappy with him because he kept being in a rush for the night to be over. Very unhappy in general with everything about him. My grandfather also passed this month, and I was very upset about that as well. I didnt get to see him before he passed like almost everyone else in my family did. Went out with my friend and got my nose repierced (I had taken it out last November), we both had a nice time. Met a guy on the internet the very end of the month, and we really hit it off. That was on Sept 27th. (More about that next month.)

In October, went out with the guy two more times, if you want to call one of them going out. He upset me a few more times, but I still got a little attached to him. Then on Oct 8th he dumped me, blaming it on the fact that i had kids and wasnt free to go out whenever i wanted. And that upset me very much. Husband and me still not well at all, acting really like we are roommates just living in the same house. Had to threaten him with divorce in the hopes of that making him get his act together. Which didnt really help because he was still short about 400 dollars for the rent this month.

In November, still arguing and not getting along very well at all with my husband, had a pap smear come back abnormal, and freaked out about that. Then ended up going back for another one and having that one come back abormal too, am now terrified of the "c" word. Went to concert with one of my friends of brooks and dunn then we ate dinner out afterward, that was really nice, we had a good time. I was supposed to go to that concert with that guy but he had broken up with me. He contacted me on the 10th and was basically asking me to take him back, so eventually I ended up giving him another chance (dumb move). But anyway, we went out again on the 18th, and then every saturday night after that this month.

In December, he broke up with me again, the last time that we went "out" (in a hotel room that was) on the 9th, then he broke up with me officially on the 26th after basically not talking to me since then. or telling me things that were bull. Didnt really bother me as much as I thought that it would, I thought that I would be really upset. I guess it was because I expected it though. I dont know. It is upsetting but that not that much. Me and my husbands relationship still has its ups and downs but it is a little bit better. Lately he seems like he is changing. Which is nice. So lets see.

My goals for this year:

Try to lose some weight, or at least start watch what I am eating enough so that I dont gain more weight.

Ultimately I would like to start going to the gym again, being that I have a membership that I pay for every month and dont use.

Be thankful for the things that I have in this life, instead of being unhappy with things that have happened in the past.

Try to not get as depressed and upset about everything, not to let things bother me as much as they used to.

Live each day like it is going to be my last, because you really never know what is going to happen.



I just hope that my health starts to improve, and that everything turns out okay, and that I have the good health to be able to accomplish all of the above.

New Years Eve Pics

Here are some pictures of new years eve, when we went outside and shot off some fireworks with the kids: