My Negative Self

i know that i am a very negative person, i am very aware of this fact. and i am aware that when i really dont feel like doing something i constantly have an answer for everything, just because i dont want to do it. here is an example. i have a list of subsidized housing apartments in my area that i can call, (assuming that i have the time), to see if they have any openings. then if they do, you go and apply with them and it is a low income community. so they base your rent on your income. which would be good for me. but i am so full of excuses that it isnt even funny. like my credit is bad, and they always base accepting you on your credit for apartments. and would they accept me saying that i am seperated and just include my income, or would they want my supposed husbands income too? because if i move he isnt moving with me into that place. and are they going to accept dogs? because i really dont want to be seperated from my dog again. but the major thing, and this isnt really an excuse, this is something that seriously upsets me, is that there are 10 places listed in the county that i want to reside in, and all of those 10 places are in seriously bad areas that even with the dog i would definetly not feel safe. they are not areas that i would want my children to live in, i would be scared to go to sleep in. so that isnt really excuses that is a serious thing for me. there is one place that appears to be pretty close to where i am living now, that place i will try to call and find out about, because i dont live in a bad area. so that place is the exception, the other places are all in bad areas. so okay, i am going to try to call the one that is in my area, but the others i dont want to live in those areas, so i dont think i am even going to bother with them. when i say that they are in a bad area, i mean a really bad area. i know that the reason that i am negative is because i have been through so many things and gotten let down an incredible amount of times that i am afraid that i am going to be let down again. so i dont get my hopes up on anything anymore. because when i get my hopes up i get let down very easily, for example the guy just recently. i was really starting to like him, and he was treating me pretty good. on another subject, i asked one of my friends, the one that went with me to get my nose pierced, if she wanted to go with me to the concert that i got tickets for next month. and she said yes, and we are probably going to go out to dinner afterward. so being that probably means that i will be out really late, i asked my job for the next day off because it is a monday, and they gave me the whole day off. ironically enough it happens to be the day that i have my followup appt with my obgyn (which i am trying not to freak out about that "c" word)so i had already requested to leave 2 hours early so my boss just turned that into my having the whole day off. so that is great. that makes be a little happier at least. cause that was getting me upset. so hopefully it will all work out and we will go and have fun. cause the only thing is that she can have a transportation issue, because she shares her car with someone so i am really hoping that isnt a problem. so that is on my mind now, but at least i have someone who wants to go. she said thank you like 3 times too, so at least she is happy about going. and there is no doubt in mind that we will have fun, cause she is fun to be with. the guy (which is the reason that i bought the tickets and have the extra ticket) i havent seen online probably since the middle of last week, which was of course when i was invisible and he didnt even know that i was there. the last time that we actually talked or im'ed was that wonderful sunday. but evidentally he was online today because he updated his myspace. not that i really care what he is doing that much anymore, it just stinks because i feel so used and hurt that it isnt even funny. feeling used overpowers all the feelings that i feel when i think of that. i thought we really could have had something, and the way that he was talking about how he really liked me (this wasnt when we were doing anything, so dont think that it was because of that) i thought that he thought that too. i dont know, the more and more that i think about it, the more and more i keep remembering that men suck. and the more upset and depressed i get about it. then of course like it isnt bad enough that this month is bringing me enough memories about what happened last year with HIM and of course tons of regrets about that, now he is haunting me in my dreams too. i dreamt about him a couple of nights ago, something about calling him to pick me up somewhere in his truck, and he picked me up. and we were doing really good then in our relationship. so it sucked when i woke up from that dream, and i was in this life. it brought back the hurt again. this month is just so hard for me to get through. at this time last month i was pushing him away from me, we were living as friends because i said that i didnt see where the relationship was going and that he wasnt bettering himself. the major thing that was causing me to say that was because he was an alcoholic and that was a big thing to him. he would say that he would slow it down, and he would just start back up again, and it caused lots of issues, i am not even going to go into them right now. too bad that he couldnt have gone into rehab, and gotten sober over a year ago instead of recently. that sucks. but anyway lets see, he left for his vacation that he never came back from at night on the 21st which was a friday night, the hurricane hit on a monday which was the 24th, then his birthday was on the 25th which was on tuesday. so i have all of those wonderful days coming back to have even more memories coming up to think about. i am soooo tempted to contact him on some way on his birthday just to wish him a happy birthday, basically just to send him an email and just have typed on there happy birthday, and that is it. but there really isnt that much point in that i guess. it has been over three and a half months since i have talked to him or he has called me, so i probably should leave it at that. that will probably be best for me and him. probably more like it is best for me, not really for him, because if he hasnt called me in that long of an amount of time, obviously he doesnt really give a crap about me anymore, like i think about him, and what was then. well, in a couple of months, or sooner depending on a few factors, i am probably going to be changing my phone number because i am probably going to be switching phone carriers. after being with the same company and having the same service for almost 3 years i will finally be out of contract and am probably going to get another company, that will be cheaper, and will then of course get a different number. so that should be interesting, cause i have had the same number for so long. it will save me a pretty good amount of money every month at least 40 dollars or a little bit more. speaking of HIM the weird thing is that i was just looking at old emails that i had and i looked at one from him and it said that he is online right now, and part of me was so tempted to just click the buttons and say hi. but i didnt so many different things stopped me. but one part of me really wanted to. but i stopped myself and i am not going to. he has my number he can call me, and i am sure that he still has my email address so he can email me, but he hasnt. so that tells me something. interestingly enough, me and my so called husband actually had sex last night, it was so amazingly quick that it was even funny and it was routine as hell, but funny thing, it wasnt that bad. actually it was pretty good. must be because it was starting to get to be a while for me and i was getting desperate. but anyway it wasnt that bad. just routine and boring in the end. but i guess at least it was over quick. maybe that was why it wasnt that bad. well, that is probably one of my longest posts but i just had so much to get off my mind today. i am trying to fight my depression, but it is hard, at weird times it just pops up on me and then sometimes i cant get it to go away.