The Month Of October, Bring On The Pain and Heartache

october was such a great freaking month for me last year, why should i have thought that this year would be any different? i have no idea. i do know that i have already gotten dumped, so if we go according to last years schedule we are actually ahead of time on that one. and then i went to the doctor this morning, i missed work again today and called in because of how crappy i felt, and he said that i have an upper respiratory infection, and put me on two different medications. wonderful. then i am walking in the drugstore today to pick up my medication, and i slip and fall and land on my butt. freaking october. then my supposed husband tells me today that he is probably going to be short on the rent this month because he is only working like 24 hours this week, and of course the first paycheck of this month he saved no money out of it, and he blew it. so i told him that especially being that i had missed these 2 days, and was already making up for the money that he was shorting me every month that i couldnt help him, and that this couldnt continue like this anymore, that i couldnt handle it, and financially we were obviously going to lose the apartment. i called a couple of places in our immediate area to see how much they were because our rent is going up as of dec 1st to 1025, and for a 2/1 bedroom i got prices of 1095 (we have a 2/2) and for a 2/2 with cable included i got a price of 1195. then for a 3/2 i got a price of 1500 with cable and internet. which is incredible. i have no idea how we would do that, it just wouldnt happen. i can sum that up in one word. eviction. i am ao depressed and upset about everything right now that is going on. i cant even begin to describe it. i deleted the guys number out of my phone, and after one year of having it in my phone, i deleted HIS number from my phone too. i kept them in my email in case i ever need them, but who knows maybe this will be a step in the right direction, that i am not seeing their names or numbers everyday. the last time that i have spoken with HIM was the end of june, and he supposedly went sober the beginning of july. so it has been 4 months since that has happened and 4 months since i have heard from him. so i guess that is why. freaking october month. i really hope that nothing else happens this month, because i honestly dont know how much more that i can take. i already feel like i am teetering on the edge. everytime that i have been going online since sunday night, which has been tonight and last night, i have been invisible. i just dont want to have him see me online, i dont want to talk to him, or anything. because i am pissed and hurt and upset. i am just so pissed that he originally said that it wouldnt bother him that i had kids and couldnt go out whenever the heck that i wanted and now he is saying that he has a major issue with that. and then of course there are so many other reasons that i am hurt and upset with him that i dont even want to start that. i could be typing for a very long time. and now because he had said that he would go with me i have 2 freaking tickets for a concert that i am not going to go to by myself, that we had made plans to go to together. and i have to try to see if i can find someone else to go with me. i have a month to do that. freaking month of october. maybe next october i should somehow try to stay in my house in bed all month, and not have any contact with anyone. nah, that wouldnt work i could still have a hurricane come and destroy my house, after all it was done last year. destroyed my things, my home, and life as i knew it. oooohhhh, this depression is getting really bad, what is bad is that i can feel how bad that it is getting, but i either cant pull myself out of it, or i dont want to or care to. i dont know which one it is, or maybe it is all three. flashback to almost a year ago.....HE told me that he couldnt raise my kids, not that i ever asked him too, and the weird thing was how good he treated my kids and how much he loved my kids. and then i had this guy saying that it was over because of the kids i wasnt free to come and go as i please. what is it with freaking men and kids? freaking month of october. i just want to crawl into bed, pull the covers over my head and not come out. but i cant i have to somehow drag my sick, depressed, hurt self to work, and try to make it through the day for the next 3 days. i really hate my life.