Depression, My Old Friend?

it seems that depression keeps coming back to me, with all of the things that are going on with me. i had to leave work early yesterday, i left at 1:30pm for an appointment that i had made with my doctor that morning. so i missed 3 1/2 hours of work, because i was getting worried about the symptoms that i was getting. so i went to my appointment and he said that he couldnt find anything at this time or see anything right now, but that he would send everything to the lab to analyze it and make sure that there wasnt anything that they could find either. he also said that regarding me having the "c" word, that he wanted me to come back next month (i though it was december, but maybe this all moved it up now) and that he wanted to repeat the test, and that if it came back the same way that he would need to do a biopsy and that would need to be sent to the lab and analyzed. so that is wonderful. apparently the cells that i have are the ones that arent cancer, but arent normal either, they are the ones that can lead to cancer. or something that that affect. so it is no wonder that i get depressed at times. at lot of times it seems lately, my emotions have been yo-yo ing really bad lately, and i dont know why. maybe it is my freaking hormones who knows, i do know that something has been out of wack lately. i am trying to fight everything so far, and try to be okay and not depressed but i just feel that i am fighting a losing battle, because like what happened yesterday things just bring you down. i have to wait now and see what the results of all the testing are going to be, i should have those results either on thursday or friday. if i dont have a call by friday, i will call and see if i can find out. just one more thing for me to flip out about. as i figured the guy i have been seeing for the about a week now, called me last night and said that he was still working and that he wasnt going to be back home until like 11pm or so. so that was a no for us seeing each other or going out last night. so hopefully the next time that we are going to go out is going to be friday night, at least so far that is what it seems like. hopefully something else wont come up, especially when i asked him he made a comment like it looks good as of right now or something to the affect. he can never be freaking definite it seems, it is starting to really bother me. or you know what? it is probably just me, i think that everything is starting to freaking bother me lately. it just must be my mood and attitude. and then my so called husband was rubbing on me last night, and asking me if i wanted to have sex, i completely ignored him, and he finally left me alone. like i was going to let that happen. hell no. especially when i told him about everything and that i might have to have the biopsy and his only response was, well i guess i should have as much sex with you now as i can. and i gave him a look like screw you. and i told him that he was an ass. so anyway the guy that i have been dating (i guess) i do talk to everyday, it seems that he does make it a point for that to happen, which is a good thing i guess. he said something else that bugged me though, when i asked him if he any ideas for what he wanted to do on friday, and he said that he wasnt sure yet that it depended on his paycheck, and that he should be receiving it in the mail he hoped. or something like that. it is just this never being definite thing. like i said though it just seems like everyone is annoying me right now, so i should definetly say that is my mood and not those people. i am sure that i have been acting a lot lately that i dont really care about anything with him, or at least i think that i have been acting that way with him. and it isnt that i dont like him, cause i do, it is just that maybe i am trying to step back a little because i am getting freaking attached, and i am getting scared of that. because i have been hurt so many times, that is the only thing that i can think of. i dont know. like when he said that he couldnt meet me yesterday night, i was just like okay, we are still on for friday right, and he said yeah, and i was like okay then, and that was it. i didnt let on anything. and the same thing when i talked to him tonight and he said that he had to go do something, and i was like okay, and he said i'll talk to you tomorrow and i said okay again, i wonder if i am acting like i dont care too much. i dont know, i guess that i am just scared. who knows, maybe i am acting like that to much now, and i am going to push him away just like HE said that i had pushed him away and that was why he never came back to me, and left me. boy that brings back great memories. i am doing really good tonight. and then i have my so called husband not acting like as much of an ass as usual, and actually trying to be slightly affectionate towards me, and care, which is scary, maybe he senses that things are different and that he is losing me. i dont know. i am just really upset right now. it seems with everything and everyone. i could list so many things about so many different people, so i know that it has to be my mind screwing with me. maybe. i dont know.