I Got Through Another Friday The 13th

well, i lived through this friday the thirteenth, there was only 2 friday the thirteenths this year, the other one was in january. and that is the famous night that was wonderful, and hugely heartbreaking. that was the last time that i saw HIM, he came down here, and was visited, and it was nice, and he just reminded me of what i lost and that i couldnt have it or him back. so yesterday was definetly a wonderful trip down memory lane because of that. other then that, yesterday wasnt that bad, it was pretty eventful. i had more crazy people then i usually do that i had to talk to at work, and my stomach was very painful, i guess because of that darn medication that i am on, but other then all of that, like i said at least i lived through it. i am just so miserable right now, it is horrible. my so called husband, who hasnt touched me for a very long time (like so long that i dont even remember when the last time was), informed me last night that i might have to help him with the rent this month. his idea of helping him is about 150 dollars or more. of course i told him that where does he expect me to get the money from, i already have to work overtime to make up for the money that he doesnt give me anymore. and he said that he didnt know but he was going to need it. of course, if he hadnt done whatever with his first 2 paychecks this month which were probably at least 150-200 dollars each paycheck, then he would be fine and wouldnt be short. i am just so tired of this, and so miserable with everything. my mom used to tell me that once you set your mind to something, that you can do it no matter what it is. but that isnt true, at all, and i think that i have proved that wrong because she doesnt say it anymore. i had set my mind that i was going to get HIM back in january, and i got him back for one night for a few hours, and then that was it. and i have set my mind a few months ago when all of this starting getting worse and worse with my so called husband that i didnt want to be with him and i was going to do whatever i could do be done with it, but financially i just cant. i have figured it and figured it, and i am just screwed. it is just so frustrating and depressing. i just cant get out of this situation that i am in, i am stuck. i think that it is bugging me even more now, because this is the month that everything happened last year, and i life wise nothing has changed since last year, i am still miserable as hell, probably as miserable as i was last year after everything happened. which by the way is coming up soon, it happened on oct 24th and HIS birthday is on the 25th. which was the reason that he wasnt here for what happened, and then decided just not to come back. i am sure that his family influenced him, but that is beyond the point. i did treat him like crap before he left, say that i didnt think that i wanted to be with him anymore, and also push him away. so i accept almost all responsiblity, the only things that i place on him is that he didnt come back to settle everything, and that he hooked up with his little girlfriend like 2 days after that. i know that another reason that everything is affected me right now, was what happened with the guy i was dating, or whatever you want to call it. and interestingly enough i think that he was only on for a couple of days since sunday night, and but for the last few days i havent noticed him on, at least when i was on. so that is interesting. i know that he mentioned that because of his job he had found out that he was going to be away for some of the rest of this year, and some of next year. so maybe he left again. who knows. i have been going available, maybe because i dont see him online i feel safe, i dont know. i dont think that he is going to try to talk to me anyway, maybe he knows that he hurt me, then again he is a guy so he probably doesnt. but the thing that i think is really affecting me about that whole thing is that he made me happy, he made me forget about everything that was happening, and the major thing is that he gave me hope. my hope that i felt is gone now. i have no hope, i just feel stuck. and i dont want a guy anymore, i am done with that. i think that he ruined it for me. i have been hurt and let down enough. i dont want to deal with it anymore. which is why on my yahoo profile it still says single, not looking, and on my space it says in a relationship. unfortunately both of them dont offer an option of been hurt by to many guys, dont want to deal with at this point anymore.