Another Job? Maybe? Could It Be?

well, my supposed husband told me that the job that he was trying to go to, called him into today to have some checks background and stuff on him and that he would hear from them on tuesday of next week, and that as long as they came back okay he was hired. of course the bad part is that the shift that they have available that he would be hired for would be from 6am-2pm, so that means that i would have to bring my son to school, which means that the overtime that i have been earning in the morning before work would end because of that. and that is what i was doing to make up for the money that he wasnt giving me for groceries. so i told him that, and he said that he would give it to me. but knowing him i am just scared that isnt going to happen, and then i am really going to be screwed. but i guess i cant really get upset about it right now, because we dont even know if he definetly got that job. and you know how i was saying yesterday about me being negative and why i am like that? well, i called the subsidized housing complex that was like 2 blocks from me which would have been perfect and that linked me to the county housing authority which informed me that the program has been closed since 2005 because of bush and using those funds for the war that we are having that is pointless. so because of that the program has been closed, and they dont know when it will be reopening it could be in a few days or a few years they have no clue. which is helpful, but still do you see what i meant about being let down? i am trying really hard to not get depressed right now, even though things are getting me there. for example, the fact that my "husband" is saying that he is going to be short at least 200 dollars on the rent this month (because he blew his first 2 paychecks without even saving a penny out of them) and is asking me how i am going to come up with the money. umm, hello? this is really your problem not mine. you caused this on yourself. but the thing is is that he knows i am going to figure something out and bail him out of this somehow because i am not going to see my kids homeless or have to deal with something like that just for 200 dollars. so of course i am going to bail him out. i am just not going to tell him anything until the very last minute. i want him to freak out about it first, because it isnt fair that i have to bail him out, and i want him to get stressed out about it first. before i take the money that i have been saving, which has been going faster and faster, to bail him out. i wish that he could be like me responsible hold on to a job and always make sure that the bills get paid. why cant he do that too, before this job my job that i had i was at 1 year and 11 months, and i didnt leave there until i had this job. i only had one day between jobs. that was it. and it was definetly a smart move too. that is one big thing that i have done that i dont regret. it was a good decision. as i get closer and closer to the 24th and 25th the memories regrets you name it, it is all coming back to me and upsetting me. i am trying to push it out of my mind but it is hard. i remember things, every day as it gets closer and closer they all keep coming back into my mind. and then this guy hurting me and using me doesnt help it is just making me feel worse about myself and question myself and if i did something wrong. even though he blamed it on the fact that i had the kids and couldnt come and go as i wished, but still. i did have a nice night with the kids tonight, because my daughter was really good in school this week, i told her that we would have a little party tonight (with my son of course) so we played candy land (the only problem being that my daughter is a very sore loser) and had chips, crackers and cinnamon rolls which i baked. so it was nice except for my daughter being a sore loser. i have been eating like a pig lately, because i am just at the point that i really dont care that much anymore. i am stuck in a cycle though because at one point i dont care what i look like because i am just so frustrated and depressed and then the next minute i will look at myself in the mirror and think to myself that i am gaining weight and that i dont look as good as i used to anymore. and that of course adds to my frustration and depression too. i just dont have the self control that i used to have, i guess because of my current state of mind. and the ironic thing is that i have a gym membership that i pay every month for it is automatically taken out of my credit card, that i of course have to pay for, and i havent been to the gym in probably at least 4-5 months. geez. i am a mess. well, at least tomorrow is friday, so once i get through tomorrow i dont have to worry about going to work or waking up early for two days then there we go all over again in that wonderful cycle. and next week should be even better (that was sarcastic) because next week is the week of the 24th and 25th. great, more to look forward to.