A Quick Day Before Halloween Post

this is going to have to be a quick post because i have to get things ready for tomorrow. i am making goodie bags for both of my childrens classes in their schools, one child (my son) has 13 kids in his class and my daughters class has 21 kids, so i have to get those ready and get everything else ready for tomorrow. today was an okay day, i had a busy day at work, then i came home ate dinner, we took the kids for ice cream, then i took my shower. now i am sitting in front of the computer, and i have to get off soon so that i can make the goodie bags. i also am trying to get everything else ready for tomorrow, because i am going to be dressing up for tomorrow for the day (including work) and what i am going to be doing is going to take me a little bit longer than usual. because i am going to be wearing makeup and doing my hair which i never really do. the reason that i had before that i was going to be dressing up was because they were having something at my job like a party with food, cake, and prizes for the best costume and things like that. i am leaving at 2pm from work tomorrow so that i can get the kids ready and pick them up from their schools and everything. what really stinks is that i just found out at my job today that everything that they are having is going to start at 3pm. so i am going to be missing it, which is going to stink. oh well, i am still going to dress up though just for fun. my "husband" gets off work at 4pm tomorrow and said that he should be home at 4:30pm, so hopefully after he gets ready we will leave at 5pm. and we are going to take the kids to the mall to go trick or treating, which will be nice. we are going to eat dinner there too, mostly not even because i want to, even though it is nice that we are going to, but because we have to. because of the times and everything. i am sure that the kids are going to have a nice day tomorrow. it stinks that my daughter they dont let them do nothing for halloween and my son they are, he gets to have a little parade outside and get candy in their playground, and wear his costume all day at school. and my daughter except for the goodie bags that i am sending that i really am not supposed to be, doesnt get to do anything at school. oh well. terrific public school, what do you want. i doubt if i will get to post tomorrow, but i should have lots of pictures and things to say to the day after.

The Sunday Update

today was a busy and tiring day, it was fun though.the did few errands really quick, then we went to the mall, met my parents there, had lunch and i did some shopping. i had to get a few things at the mall and at the walmart near there because it is starting to get colder and my kids have like no pants or warm clothes,and i really dont either. while we were at the mall the kids played on the playground in there, and i tried on the costume that i came up with that i am going to be wearing to work because they are having something there, and also probably to take the kids trick or treating. i am going to be a goth (gothic) girl. which for me isnt that far of a stretch at all. i actually only bought a pair shoes which i will wear with other outfits too, that was it everything else i already owned. so like i said it isnt that far of a stretch, i already really lean that way anyway with my piercings and tattoo. the kids also watched the movie that i got for them yesterday and my daughter lik edit, my son wasnt really that interested. i accidentally scared the crap out of my son today though. i am making goodie bags for his school and iam putting the plastic vampire fangs that you put on your teeth in there, so i put them on my teeth and went in their room where they were playing. and he started screaming and crying and ran to his dad. he wouldnt come to me for a while, and when i tried to show him that the teeth were toys he wouldnt even go near them, and almost an hour later he is still talking about them. i just hope that i didnt scar him emotionally for life, and that he doesnt have nightmares tonight. i honestly had no idea that it would bother him like that, because he is always talking about how he is going to beat up monsters or shot them. so this was a surprise to me. on another subject, my husband started his new job today, ands aid that he liked and that everyone was nice to him which was nice. he also said that he had asked the head chef about the paycheck, and that he had told him that he was going to be getting his first paycheck on the 13th and that it would be for a full 2 weeks. and then of course the next one would be on the 27th. i think that is surprising that the first paycheck would be a full 2 weeks, but even if it doesnt as long as that one is for a week, and the second one is for 2 weeks, he will be able to pay all his bills. which is good, and is a load of my mind. now all i have to do is hope that he keeps the job and everything goes good with that, and that he signs his paychecks to me like he has been saying that he will be.
Here are a few pictures from today:

me dressed gothic (seeing how it will look for halloween, we are dressing up at my work if we want to and having a contest and everything and also i am of course taking the kids trick or treating)

i know these pictures arent that great, i had to take them in the mirror with my camera phone, because i wanted to show them to someone to get their opinion, which i did. so hopefully on halloween, i will get someone to take my picture dressed like this so it will be a better picture.

More Pictures From Saturday

here are more picture from today:

Saturdays Occurences

well, to make a really long and frustrating story short, the job that he found out that he had, he decided not to take and to take another one that was offered to him. he said that they told him that he would work 35-40 days per week, they offered him 2.00 an hour more then the other one that he was going to take. and the hours are better for him, something like from 8am-4pm. which would be better because as long as their is still overtime offered at my job, i can still work it and he can still keep bringing my son back and forth to school. so that was good. on the other unhappy hand, he was short 360 dollars on the rent (his share of the bills) and i of course had to take that out of the money that i was saving, so there goes more money from that. i told him that i wasnt going to take that anymore, and that from now on, if he didnt sign his paychecks over to me, he would find his stuff and himself outside because i couldnt and wouldnt deal with it anymore. and he said that he understood. i told him that it wasnt something that i wanted to do, but it was something that i had to do, because it seemed like he couldnt manage his own money. so he agreed to that. so i guess now we will see what happens. today we had a pretty good day and busy day with the kids. but we had fun. first we all went to walmart and did some shopping. then we went to mcdonalds and let the kids play. then my "husband" had to go do some work, so while he did that i went to publix. i rented click for me, and garfield and the tale of two kitties for the kids. then we came home and stayed home for a little while. then we all went to dinner and had pizza, went to the dollar store where i bought a toy for each of the kids. then we went to home depot. so we were definetly very busy today, but at least the kids had fun and did some things today. after the kids went to bed we watched the movie click, and it wasnt the type of adam sandler movie that i thought it would be. it was sad in some parts and i was crying and sobbing in two parts. here are some pictures from today:

Good New For Like A Minute

then as usual, the good news gets cancelled out by the bad news. so today wasnt that busy it was busy as heck, i had to deal with several not nice people, one of which being someone that i work with who will remain nameless. but i dealt with them well, i killed them with kindness as usual. so i got through the day. my so called husband was getting on my nerves about if i figured out about paying the rent, and i told him that i was going to borrow from the money to pay the cable and electric bill and that it would need to be paid back within a week and a half after the rent was paid. and he was happy about that, so at least he got off my back about that. and stopped bugging me on how we were going to pay it, and that he was hoping that i had came up with something because his one idea didnt work (that was asking his dad to borrow the money). big surprise there that his dad said no, after all the times that he has asked his dad for money. the good news i am talking about is that my husband got the job in the morning working from 6am-2pm which means that i am going to have to drop my son at school in the morning at 7am and that is going to take away from the overtime that i was getting, so my husband is then going to have to give me the money for groceries which is 300 dollars a month that i was replacing with my overtime pay. which he had agreed that he would do. so anyway we were all happy that he got the job, me especially he just called me and told me today at like 4pm when they told him, and then he is saying how he is going to keep the job that he has and that it is going to be good having 2 jobs and 2 paychecks and he is going to get back on his feet really quick. so i am really happy because this is what he needs. so he went into his night job tonight, told them about cutting back his hours and only scheduling him at night because he has the other job, and he said that they said okay and it wasnt a big deal. but then he calls me about 15 minutes ago and says that he just quit his job, because the manager was getting in his face about something and that he wouldnt let anyone talk to him like that, and he said that she said that she was going to write him up and then he quit or something like that. at least that is the version that i got from him who knows if that is really what happened. so when he just called me and told me that i said to him i dont know why you did that because now you are going to be in the same position that you were before, not having any money. so he said whatever i guess i will have to find a little part time job just paying a little bit of money like at wendys or something. so here we go again, i am not going to hold my breath. i just hope that he can hold on to this one job that will pay the bills enough or barely and the grocery money now that he is going to have to give me, lets not forget about that. and then of course to make things even better, tomorrow is the one year anniversary of the hurricane that made all of this possible, and yanked my life out from under me. and then of course the the next day, wednesday the 25th is HIS birthday. just wonderful. i was talking to my mom and she couldnt understand why i was so upset about those things, especially about the hurricane. i am so upset because compared to how i was last year, aside from having a better job with pay and benefits, i am definetly not where i want to be. at all. last year i had options, dreams, this year i have nothing. i had a lot of options and i was weighing what i wanted to do, then when the hurricane came, yank, all of that got pulled away and i got stuck in what i have now, a life with absoluetly no choices. i feel so trapped that is why i feel so bad, i dont feel that bad anymore about the items that i lost, the apartment that i lost, or even losing HIM. amazingly losing HIM doesnt hurt as much anymore, or make me cry, and the dreams have definetly eased up a lot. i think that i what i miss is how i felt when i was with, so safe loved and taken care of, which is something that i havent really felt since HIM. i also never felt like i was trapped i always felt that i had options, and most of the time when i was with him, i didnt care if i was trapped. i was happy with him. so i think that i have summed it up, i dont really miss him as a person anymore (maybe every once in a while, but not that much, very rarely). no what i miss is all of those feelings, and not feeling like i am in a circle, with no way out, and no end in sight. that is how i feel. well, as of right now it looks like i am not going to be alone wednesday night (which is his birthday) like i thought that i would be, so hopefully i wont be that depressed. tomorrow night i already knew that he was going to be home cause it was supposed to be his night off from work. now that he is going to be home at night, i just hope that he doesnt bug me too much being home, because whenever he is home i cant do what i want when i want, because i always hear him making comments or bugging me about something, like for example the amount of time that i spend on the computer or the who i am talking on the phone too. wow, he just admitted that maybe he did act like a little irrational, and that he was sorry. that is a miracle, he hardly ever admits when he is wrong, and he never apologizes for it. lets see if he has anything else to say, i better get going.

An Okay Sunday

today wasnt as relaxing as i had hoped that it would be, but it was definetly better than yesterday. no day is going to be that relaxing, considering i have a 3 year old and a 6 year old, and they love to fight with each other and get on each others nerves. but today was better though. first we went to publix, cause i had to get 3 things that i forgot there yesterday, returned the movies that i had gotten, then i took the kids to the park to play for about an hour and a half. and they had a lot of fun there. then we went home, i cooked dinner (i actually cooked all three meals today, that was exhausting), and then after that we had went for ice cream. came home and then we played games and watched tv until it was there bedtime. so they had a nice time today. i was in a pretty good mood yesterday, but tonight i am feeling off. maybe because today is sunday and i know that i have to work 5 days straight next week til i get any time off or a break in getting up at 6am. or maybe it is because i know that tuesday the 24th is the anniversary of the day that my life as i knew it got ripped from me without any choice on my part, or the fax that i know that wednesday the 25th (which i also happen to have a conference with my daughters teacher that day) is HIS birthday. which is going to bring back all sorts of memories. so this, memory wise at least, is going to be a bad week. and the silly thing is that even his phone number (or the other guys) are no longer in my phone, i still keep looking at my phone every morning when i wake up to see if he has called me, if his phone number is on the screen of my phone as a missed call. dumb huh? i think that if so much time has gone by that i havent heard from him or that he hasnt called me (it is almost 4 months) that i should just let it go, and not contact him like i was thinking about for his birthday. i know that he is alive and well, so if he is not contacting me there has to be a good reason for that. and that is, he doesnt want to. the longest after everything that happened that we didnt contact each other, was probably about a month and a half. the most. so like i said if he isnt contacting me now there is a good reason for that. and i need to get that through my head and just let that be. even though my daughter bugged me today, after not mentioning his name for a while, she had to mention his name and ask why he had left us. darned if i didnt have a good answer for her either. i just told her not to talk about him in front of my son, who doesnt seem to remember him anymore. i guess that he was too little. which is a very good thing. well, i guess when every other guy lately (or within the past year at least) has been kicking me to the curb, i guess i should just worry about the one that i have right now. cause he definetly gives me a lot to worry about that is for sure. like the aggravation if him blowing his paychecks, and having to take money out of my savings (that luckily he doesnt know that i have, even though it is dropping more and more rapidly especially after this) and pay his share of the bills. which we had agreed on originally that he would pay. one thing i really miss about HIM was how he would give me the money every month for his share of the bills, and i wouldnt have to worry about it, he always had it with no problems. that was great, i miss that. but there is no use in getting upset about that i guess, because he is not coming back. he seems to be way too happy sharing an apartment with his 2 brothers, one of them being his twin, and having a girlfriend who he has been with for a year now, (who he of course cheated on once with me, but anyway) and she seems to be looking forward to the time that they move in together. so yes, it is pretty damn serious. unlike me and my three night stand, i guess that you could call the guy who so wonderfully dumped me. she is only a baby compared to him, she is 5 years younger then him so maybe one of them will come to her senses, probably her first, because i am sure that she is the more mature out of them two of them, and probably will eventually end up wanting a man that is going somewhere and has goals, which unless something has dramatically changed with him that is something that he never had. anyway, enough ranting about him. my so called husband has hardly been around lately, or at least has hardly been around when i am which i suppose is good in some ways because i get to basically be single with my kids, because he is only home 2 nights a week when i am, and other then that either he is sleeping in (like in the morning on the weekends) or he is at work at night when i get home from work. i only see him for like 20 minutes before he leaves for work. which like i said has its good points, but it also has its bad points. because being alone, especially after my kids go to bed, and i am completely alone, is very depressing to me. i hate being alone, if it wasnt for my dog, it would be even worse, if that is possible. and this week he is going to have basically the same schedule again, and memory and emotional wise, this is probably going to be a really bad week for me. so that is really sucking right now. something interesting that i have came across, the guy (you know the one who basically blew me off) has taken every one of his like 6 pictures of his my space profile, even though he keeps logging into it everyday, and 2 days ago he updated his yahoo profile and erased every single thing that was on his profile, so that there is absoluetly nothing about him on there, no pictures of him either. weird, that is so weird is all that i can say. i have no idea what made him do that. unless what he was saying about how he didnt want a girl because he didnt want to put them through him never being around because of his job. there better not have been anything wrong with him like any diseases or anything or i swear i will flip out. i know i will, that is all that i need to add to my list of things that are making me want to flip out. never mind that some of them can kill you. aaaauuughhh. well, i figured that it was about time to change both of my profiles to single or seperated, not that i am looking for a guy at all, cause right now i am really frustrated and upset with them, but for some reason that i really cant define right now i want to put it that way. but anyway, i better stop ranting or i could be here all night, which i dont want to do, because i have to get up for work as usual tomorrow morning at 6am. here are some pictures from today:
these are pictures of the kids at the park:

then at home after dinner, while getting ready for to leave and go the ice cream shop: (dont know why the first one came out so fuzzy)

and here are 2 from outside the ice cream shop:

The Day's Activities

today was a pretty good day with the kids, they had a good day. i am of course exhausted from everything that was done today. but that is okay i guess. first we went to publix and did the grocery shopping for the week, then we went home and put all the groceries away. then we went to walmart and did the shopping for the week there. then we went to mcdonalds and i bought us lunch, and they got to play on the playground. then we went home from there, (i did 2 loads of laundry between all of this) and they got to watch a movie that i had rented for them that just came out that they loved, over the hedge. i am going to try buying that for them, they really liked it. i just have to see how much i can get it for, i am going to try checking ebay. probably right now on ebay, i might not be able to get that much of a good deal because it just came out. we'll see. i am trying to see if i can get them the incredibles, because they used to have that movie before the hurricane and they really liked it, especially my daughter. so hopefully i can get it again. i just dont want to pay to much for it though, so i am trying to watch the bidding and see what happens. here is some pictures from today, these are from mcdonalds:

these are at home watching the movie:

so that was today, busy and got a lot done, but at least the kids had fun too.

None Ranting Blog, I Promise

okay i writing this about other things that i am not going to rant about, i promise. i had a weird and scary dream last night, i dreamt that i was pregnant which would have been good, because i do want to have another baby, just one more, and then when i will be perfectly content and will tie my tubes. the scary part was that the father of the baby appeared to be my so called husband which is definetly not something that should happen now. not that i dont want it to happen, because i desperately want another baby, and with my health i really want to have one while i still can, because i dont know if i will be able to be soon. so i really badly want a baby, but with the way that things are going it just wouldnt be a good time. so as if that didnt make me kind of upset (and sad because i wish that things were right, and i could have a baby right now with no worries), one of the girls at my job's sister in law went into labor today and she was only 7 months pregnant, which just got me kind of weirded out, concidence? weird.

changing the subject, i have been hearing a lot about childrens deaths lately, one of the occasions i actually spoke to a man who had just lost his 4 year old to health reasons. this has made me make a vow about my children, i have vowed to try to be more patient with them, and do more things with them and participate instead of just watching or being a referee which i usually i am with them. because it has really made me realize that you never know what is going to happen, even with me with all of my problems, i never know what is going to happen. (especially what is going to happen next month). so that is my vow, to sum it up it is to be more patient with them and to more things with them (participate). not that i was really a bad mommy before, not at all, i tried to do as many fun things on weekend as possible to make up for the things that i cant do with them due to working. but i am just vowing to try to be better, because there is always room for improvement right? so that is my vow. last night because my daughter was good in school for the week, i had promised her that we would do something special. so said that we were going to have a game party, and we played several games of candyland, and had snacks while we were playing. both of the kids liked that a lot. then tonight because she was good today and last night, and mostly just to have fun, we had movie night, i rented a movie for them curious george, which was cute, and made some quesadillas and gave them some cookies for snack foods, and they had fun watching the movie and having those snacks too. amazingly enough, my son even stayed fairly still to watch the movie. i really have no plans this weekend, other then my usual grocery shopping and the other store that i go to almost every week, so i guess that we will see what happens.

A Man----Some Rantings That I Need To Get Out

i was brought up thinking that a man was someone who took care of you, and any issues that came up, woud help you with. i was also brought up with the thoughts that you could depend on your man, and that he would be responsible and take care of you. it seems that no matter what I do, I cant find a man that will stay (and not dump me) who i want. the one that i have now, i am sure that no matter what i do i wont be able to get rid of him, short of filing for divorce. which would be good that i cant get rid of a man, after the issues that i have had with them ditching me, but unfortunately not only can he not afford to take care of me, and not have me worry about anything, but he cant even pay his share of the bills, which is dramatically less then my share. what happened to all the dreams that i had when i was little? the dream of a man that really loved me and acted like he did and treated me like a princess. treated me like a princess, i had that and lost it. so instead now i am stuck with an irresponsible man who blows all his money, and cant pay his meager 1/3 share of the bills that we had originally agreed to. mind you in about 2 and a 1/2 years i have always paid all my bills, never late once. and he doesnt even give me affection or show love. very rarely he does, so rarely as a matter of fact that when he does i have to wonder what is going on. such a wonderful life i have.

in case you are wondering what brought on this ranting, it is because originally he was saying that he was going to be about 160 short on the rent. which i wasnt that thrilled about, but i could have handled it. that was with him having 300 from his paycheck today, 240 from the money i am paying towards the daycare (long story, he does work for them), and then 300 from his last paycheck this month. so what happened today was that instead of not cashing his check and signing it and handing it to me like he said that he would, instead he cashed it, claims that it was only 220 and that he now has 200 dollars from it. so okay, am thinking now we are going to have to come up with 260 for the rent that we are going to be short. about 2 hours later he calls me and tells me that he had counted it at the store that he had cashed it at and that it was 200 there, and now that he got home and recounted it now he has 160 dollars. how insane is that, you mean to tell me that you somehow lost 40 dollars on the short walk home. i dont even believe that lie. i know that he spent it on something and i am just not hoping that it is what i am suspecting. so anyway, now that means that if his next paycheck is 300 dollars, which with the amount of hours that he has been putting in lately, might be unlikely, he will be short 300 dollars. big jump from being short 160 to being short 300 right? that is why i am so upset right now. and that is if he gets his next paycheck being 300 dollars. if not he will just be short more money. that is just wonderful. i was going to try to go to work tomorrow morning to get a few hours of over time but i cant because he has to go do some work at the daycare and somone has to watch the kids. oh well, i can use the r and r anyway i suppose. i just could have used the money more.

Another Job? Maybe? Could It Be?

well, my supposed husband told me that the job that he was trying to go to, called him into today to have some checks background and stuff on him and that he would hear from them on tuesday of next week, and that as long as they came back okay he was hired. of course the bad part is that the shift that they have available that he would be hired for would be from 6am-2pm, so that means that i would have to bring my son to school, which means that the overtime that i have been earning in the morning before work would end because of that. and that is what i was doing to make up for the money that he wasnt giving me for groceries. so i told him that, and he said that he would give it to me. but knowing him i am just scared that isnt going to happen, and then i am really going to be screwed. but i guess i cant really get upset about it right now, because we dont even know if he definetly got that job. and you know how i was saying yesterday about me being negative and why i am like that? well, i called the subsidized housing complex that was like 2 blocks from me which would have been perfect and that linked me to the county housing authority which informed me that the program has been closed since 2005 because of bush and using those funds for the war that we are having that is pointless. so because of that the program has been closed, and they dont know when it will be reopening it could be in a few days or a few years they have no clue. which is helpful, but still do you see what i meant about being let down? i am trying really hard to not get depressed right now, even though things are getting me there. for example, the fact that my "husband" is saying that he is going to be short at least 200 dollars on the rent this month (because he blew his first 2 paychecks without even saving a penny out of them) and is asking me how i am going to come up with the money. umm, hello? this is really your problem not mine. you caused this on yourself. but the thing is is that he knows i am going to figure something out and bail him out of this somehow because i am not going to see my kids homeless or have to deal with something like that just for 200 dollars. so of course i am going to bail him out. i am just not going to tell him anything until the very last minute. i want him to freak out about it first, because it isnt fair that i have to bail him out, and i want him to get stressed out about it first. before i take the money that i have been saving, which has been going faster and faster, to bail him out. i wish that he could be like me responsible hold on to a job and always make sure that the bills get paid. why cant he do that too, before this job my job that i had i was at 1 year and 11 months, and i didnt leave there until i had this job. i only had one day between jobs. that was it. and it was definetly a smart move too. that is one big thing that i have done that i dont regret. it was a good decision. as i get closer and closer to the 24th and 25th the memories regrets you name it, it is all coming back to me and upsetting me. i am trying to push it out of my mind but it is hard. i remember things, every day as it gets closer and closer they all keep coming back into my mind. and then this guy hurting me and using me doesnt help it is just making me feel worse about myself and question myself and if i did something wrong. even though he blamed it on the fact that i had the kids and couldnt come and go as i wished, but still. i did have a nice night with the kids tonight, because my daughter was really good in school this week, i told her that we would have a little party tonight (with my son of course) so we played candy land (the only problem being that my daughter is a very sore loser) and had chips, crackers and cinnamon rolls which i baked. so it was nice except for my daughter being a sore loser. i have been eating like a pig lately, because i am just at the point that i really dont care that much anymore. i am stuck in a cycle though because at one point i dont care what i look like because i am just so frustrated and depressed and then the next minute i will look at myself in the mirror and think to myself that i am gaining weight and that i dont look as good as i used to anymore. and that of course adds to my frustration and depression too. i just dont have the self control that i used to have, i guess because of my current state of mind. and the ironic thing is that i have a gym membership that i pay every month for it is automatically taken out of my credit card, that i of course have to pay for, and i havent been to the gym in probably at least 4-5 months. geez. i am a mess. well, at least tomorrow is friday, so once i get through tomorrow i dont have to worry about going to work or waking up early for two days then there we go all over again in that wonderful cycle. and next week should be even better (that was sarcastic) because next week is the week of the 24th and 25th. great, more to look forward to.

My Negative Self

i know that i am a very negative person, i am very aware of this fact. and i am aware that when i really dont feel like doing something i constantly have an answer for everything, just because i dont want to do it. here is an example. i have a list of subsidized housing apartments in my area that i can call, (assuming that i have the time), to see if they have any openings. then if they do, you go and apply with them and it is a low income community. so they base your rent on your income. which would be good for me. but i am so full of excuses that it isnt even funny. like my credit is bad, and they always base accepting you on your credit for apartments. and would they accept me saying that i am seperated and just include my income, or would they want my supposed husbands income too? because if i move he isnt moving with me into that place. and are they going to accept dogs? because i really dont want to be seperated from my dog again. but the major thing, and this isnt really an excuse, this is something that seriously upsets me, is that there are 10 places listed in the county that i want to reside in, and all of those 10 places are in seriously bad areas that even with the dog i would definetly not feel safe. they are not areas that i would want my children to live in, i would be scared to go to sleep in. so that isnt really excuses that is a serious thing for me. there is one place that appears to be pretty close to where i am living now, that place i will try to call and find out about, because i dont live in a bad area. so that place is the exception, the other places are all in bad areas. so okay, i am going to try to call the one that is in my area, but the others i dont want to live in those areas, so i dont think i am even going to bother with them. when i say that they are in a bad area, i mean a really bad area. i know that the reason that i am negative is because i have been through so many things and gotten let down an incredible amount of times that i am afraid that i am going to be let down again. so i dont get my hopes up on anything anymore. because when i get my hopes up i get let down very easily, for example the guy just recently. i was really starting to like him, and he was treating me pretty good. on another subject, i asked one of my friends, the one that went with me to get my nose pierced, if she wanted to go with me to the concert that i got tickets for next month. and she said yes, and we are probably going to go out to dinner afterward. so being that probably means that i will be out really late, i asked my job for the next day off because it is a monday, and they gave me the whole day off. ironically enough it happens to be the day that i have my followup appt with my obgyn (which i am trying not to freak out about that "c" word)so i had already requested to leave 2 hours early so my boss just turned that into my having the whole day off. so that is great. that makes be a little happier at least. cause that was getting me upset. so hopefully it will all work out and we will go and have fun. cause the only thing is that she can have a transportation issue, because she shares her car with someone so i am really hoping that isnt a problem. so that is on my mind now, but at least i have someone who wants to go. she said thank you like 3 times too, so at least she is happy about going. and there is no doubt in mind that we will have fun, cause she is fun to be with. the guy (which is the reason that i bought the tickets and have the extra ticket) i havent seen online probably since the middle of last week, which was of course when i was invisible and he didnt even know that i was there. the last time that we actually talked or im'ed was that wonderful sunday. but evidentally he was online today because he updated his myspace. not that i really care what he is doing that much anymore, it just stinks because i feel so used and hurt that it isnt even funny. feeling used overpowers all the feelings that i feel when i think of that. i thought we really could have had something, and the way that he was talking about how he really liked me (this wasnt when we were doing anything, so dont think that it was because of that) i thought that he thought that too. i dont know, the more and more that i think about it, the more and more i keep remembering that men suck. and the more upset and depressed i get about it. then of course like it isnt bad enough that this month is bringing me enough memories about what happened last year with HIM and of course tons of regrets about that, now he is haunting me in my dreams too. i dreamt about him a couple of nights ago, something about calling him to pick me up somewhere in his truck, and he picked me up. and we were doing really good then in our relationship. so it sucked when i woke up from that dream, and i was in this life. it brought back the hurt again. this month is just so hard for me to get through. at this time last month i was pushing him away from me, we were living as friends because i said that i didnt see where the relationship was going and that he wasnt bettering himself. the major thing that was causing me to say that was because he was an alcoholic and that was a big thing to him. he would say that he would slow it down, and he would just start back up again, and it caused lots of issues, i am not even going to go into them right now. too bad that he couldnt have gone into rehab, and gotten sober over a year ago instead of recently. that sucks. but anyway lets see, he left for his vacation that he never came back from at night on the 21st which was a friday night, the hurricane hit on a monday which was the 24th, then his birthday was on the 25th which was on tuesday. so i have all of those wonderful days coming back to have even more memories coming up to think about. i am soooo tempted to contact him on some way on his birthday just to wish him a happy birthday, basically just to send him an email and just have typed on there happy birthday, and that is it. but there really isnt that much point in that i guess. it has been over three and a half months since i have talked to him or he has called me, so i probably should leave it at that. that will probably be best for me and him. probably more like it is best for me, not really for him, because if he hasnt called me in that long of an amount of time, obviously he doesnt really give a crap about me anymore, like i think about him, and what was then. well, in a couple of months, or sooner depending on a few factors, i am probably going to be changing my phone number because i am probably going to be switching phone carriers. after being with the same company and having the same service for almost 3 years i will finally be out of contract and am probably going to get another company, that will be cheaper, and will then of course get a different number. so that should be interesting, cause i have had the same number for so long. it will save me a pretty good amount of money every month at least 40 dollars or a little bit more. speaking of HIM the weird thing is that i was just looking at old emails that i had and i looked at one from him and it said that he is online right now, and part of me was so tempted to just click the buttons and say hi. but i didnt so many different things stopped me. but one part of me really wanted to. but i stopped myself and i am not going to. he has my number he can call me, and i am sure that he still has my email address so he can email me, but he hasnt. so that tells me something. interestingly enough, me and my so called husband actually had sex last night, it was so amazingly quick that it was even funny and it was routine as hell, but funny thing, it wasnt that bad. actually it was pretty good. must be because it was starting to get to be a while for me and i was getting desperate. but anyway it wasnt that bad. just routine and boring in the end. but i guess at least it was over quick. maybe that was why it wasnt that bad. well, that is probably one of my longest posts but i just had so much to get off my mind today. i am trying to fight my depression, but it is hard, at weird times it just pops up on me and then sometimes i cant get it to go away.

The Night With The In-Laws

just a quick post because i just wanted to write how everything went last night. i should be able to write more tomorrow on everything. last night was okay, we went out to dinner with my so called husbands mother, his sister, brother in law, and his two kids. my kids and his sisters kids had a great time because they hadnt seen each other in a while, and they had a lot of fun playing with each other. they were of course fairly nice to me, except for a couple of occasions where what i was saying was basically ignored, but what else is new. they were all very wrapped up in my son and how cute he is. his mother was nice to my daughter, which she has always been and i very much appreciate because it isnt technically her granddaughter only through marriage. she brought her a present just like my son, and also took pictures of her grandchildren and made sure that my daughter was in every one. the same way that her other grandchildren were. anyway i should be able to write more about it tomorrow. here are a couple of pictures, some may be a little dark or blurry because it was dark outside:

On A Different Note

the kids were driving me insane today, because they were being incredibly hyper and not lisitening to me at all. my theory for that at the moment was that because we didnt do much today, other then basically stay in the house, the only other thing that we did was go to the grocery store, which they dont like in the first place. and i also did two loads of laundry today. so i decided to take them to the park near my house and let them run around and have fun, which they did for about an hour. which was good. it burned off a lot of their energy. and they fell asleep tonight rather quickly and without their usual fights and constant getting up. which was good for me, because i honestly dont know how much stress that i can take. here is a couple of pictures of them today at the park.

Visitors Are Coming, Ahhhhhhh!!!!

my husbands mother is supposed to be coming down, she actually should have gotten in today, and we are supposed to be going for dinner with her tomorrow. (with the kids of course) which means that i am stuck going. i really dont want to go, especially being that his sister will be there, and even though me and her used to be really close, we stopped that once me and him got seperated and after i waited over 9 months for him to get his act together and it didnt happen, i hooked up with someone else. so evidentally she has never gotten over there. or something. whatever. so anyway, i would really like to get out of going, but i think that i am stuck. unfortunately. being considering how i am feeling towards him lately, this might not end up that great at all. he actually tried to get me turned on to have sex with him this morning, and i just wasnt feeling it. so he stopped bothering me. i wasnt turned on in the least by him, and he was trying to do something that would have normally turned me on. it must just be the way that i feel towards him, i really dont feel love towards him. especially this morning, when this morning, he told me that he was probably going to be about 200 dollars short on the rent this month, and that i was going to have to help him. so i told him that of course he wouldnt be short if he hadnt blown his two paychecks, which of course he knows that. but anyway. he just doesnt care. so then i asked him how this got to be my issue. and he siad that we were married, and therefor it was my issue too. so i said okay, so if i am short on my bills next month, will you help me? he had no answer for that. of course he didnt, because he knows that i will always bail him out as long as i can. and even though i keep insisting to him that i am not going to bail him out, he knows that i am going to. and i know that i am going to. because 200 dollars of him being short is nothing compared to me having to pay the whole 950 dollar rent by myself, plus having to pay the whole 500 dollars of my sons daycare by myself. so i am stuck, in what seems like an endless circle, with no way of getting out of it. and as much as i run everything through my head, and think about it, i cant come up with any solutions other then i am screwed. which is no solution at all, it is just depressing. very depressing and upsetting. and frustrating. then my kids were being no help at all today, probably because they were picking up on my mood, who knows. they were just being bad today, and werent paying attention to a word that i said. and it went on all day. and didnt help my mood at all. hopefully they will be better well behaved tomorrow when we are supposed to be going out to dinner tomorrow night. that should be interesting. especially being that i dont want to go in the first place. and wish that i didnt have to go. i dont want to sit there and act like everything is okay, and you know what. i am not going to act like everything is okay, because it isnt it sucks. her son is still the same irresponsible piece of you know what that i seperated from three years ago, and if it hadnt been for that damn hurricane i would have wisened up and wouldnt have ended up moving back in with him or being with him again. and who knows maybe i would still be with HIM. maybe not though because of all the problems that HE had then, that apparently he has now decided to get help for, and couldnt have gotten help when he was with me and i kept talking to him about it. whatever. anyway, i am not going to pretend that everything is just freaking great with her son, because it isnt. i am not going to even try to talk either, unless i have to. i am really not in the mood to deal with his at all, and i wish that i didnt have to. but i guess that i have to. i'll try to update how well it goes tomorrow night as soon as possible. because this should be interesting. lets see how much i can bite my tongue. with the mood that i have been in lately, probably not that much. my life is just so depressing, frustrating, and upsetting to me lately that i can just feel myself hanging on by the tiniest thread that you have ever seen. and it is just a matter of how much pulling that thread can take before it snaps, and so do i. that is how i have been feeling lately.

Today's Activities Continued....

for some reason the first post wasnt letting me post any more pictures, so here are the rest of them:


this is a picture of after we got home from the party, my son was so tired he fell asleep on my kitchen floor near the front door:

and this is my daughter afterward:

and then later on in the day after we had eaten dinner, we went for ice cream at our favorite place:

Today's Activities

i realized that in my last blog that i put up it doesnt say anything about what happened today with the kids, and today with them at least wasnt a bad day. they had a lot of fun. i know that i have said this many times but if it wasnt for them, i wouldnt be here still. the idea that i have them has gotten me through many really bad times that i have had. i just hope that keeps getting me through, because i am going through a really bad time now. anyway, today was my dads birthday (which brought back memories, because last year when it was his birthday, me my kids, and HIM went for lunch to celebrate my days birthday, and had a nice time, and my parents were telling me for like the millionth time how great he was). okay, anyway, took the kids and went to my parents house, and we had a bbq outside by their house, and they had a good time. most importantly my dad seemed to enjoy us being there, which was all that really mattered. but the kids had a really nice time, running around, playing and eating. my son fell and got a cut on his elbow, nothing major, just him being him, he always has some time of a bruise or cut on some part of his body. he just loves to play rough and run around. here are some pictures of the bbq that we went to: