"If you see him, tell him that i wish him well"

"how am i doing, sometimes its hard to tell. I still miss him more than ever, but please don't tell."
lines from If You See Her --duet sung by Brooks and Dunn & Reba McEntire

well to be honest i am doing crappy. my stress level has exceeded the maximum that is usually at. lets see, where to start. ----
well, there are two major things right now, and they are one i have kept my vow, i havent called him and surprise of surprise he hasnt called me either. okay, okay, that was sarcasm. he is probably to busy f**king his new girlfriend. okay, okay, so maybe i am a little jealous. okay more like pissed and jealous. its not her though, it is him. i am not calling him, i am sure that he will be calling me in about a week or two, if not sooner, to make sure that i am not. even though it hurts right now, i keep trying to tell myself that this is best, because i am just hurting myself by prolonging the torture. he doesnt want me anymore, i just wonder why i cant let go of this.

and then of course the number two stressor is my husband, who is now reminding me more and more everyday of why we were seperated for so long and why i never wanted to get back together with him. he has had two jobs for about 2 months, which i have been so proud of him about, because we really need the money, and he has so many things that he wants to accomplish that is what he has to do right now. so anyway, they were going good until he told me that one of his jobs told him to stop working yesterday and punch out and go home. because he was being to slow. and he was really upset about that because he was doing the best that he could, it had just gotten so busy that he couldnt handle it. so anway when he was punching out he said to them am i still working on tues which is his next day that he is scheduled to work, and they said that they would call him and let him know. and they havent called him. so he said that he was just going to go there. it is just making me nervous because given his past history with losing jobs and not trying to get more that isnt good. on the good side, he did pay his share of the bills today, whining and complaining about it the whole time. but at least we have a place to live for another month. and of course there is the fact that he never pays attention to me, offers me no affection, never wants to make love, soi that aspect of our relationship is non existent. and then on the rare once every 2-3 weeks that we do, it sucks it is like he isnt really trying. i dont know. i really dont think that he wants to have us be a couple like he says. it is just like we are still seperated but we live in the same house. that is how he treats it, so that is how i am starting to view it.

and then there are the other stressors that i have, which are the kids not lisitening, well i should rephrase that, my daughter listens okay, my son has been acting very bad lately. doesnt listen at all, i yelled at him so much over the weekend that by sunday afternoon i was losing my voice. well it was probably because of the yelling and maybe also partially because i think that i am fighting some kind of a cold or virus.

and then my grandmother is in the hospital and has been on and off for about a month, they are doing a biopsy on her now to make sure that she doesnt have cancer. and my best friend just had a gastric bypass done on thursday, and even though the surgery went well, evidentally she is not recovering well. she is in a huge amount of pain. so i keep calling everyday to check on her.

and with all this, i wonder why i am so stressed. someone was looking at my manicure today, and i held my hand up to show them, and my hand was shaking horribley. no wonder.