The Art of Confusion

the last time that i posted anything, i had posted that he hadnt called me like he had said that he was going to. well he called me probably like 10 minutes after i posted that, and said that he was in town, (mind you he lives in another state, so that was startling), and asked what i was doing and said that he would like to meet me. so i said okay, and i met him outside a bar, where we were supposed to go inside and hang out with his family and friends that were already there. instead as soon as he saw me outside, he picked me up hugged me and was swinging me around, and then he started french kissing me, and then all the sudden he stopped. so he said sorry, so i of course said dont be sorry, i was just wishing that you would do it again, so we kissed for like 10 minutes straight. so then he called everyone in the bar that was with him, and told them that we werent going inside, and that we would meet him at home. so then we went somewhere to talk, and he was explaining how he loved me a lot, but that he had a chance for a fresh start there and had a new life there, and that he couldnt be with me again. so i accepted that, i suppose, because that is what he was always saying. so then we were kind of hugging, and then we somehow started kissing again, and one thing led to another, and he asked if i would be his for tonight, and i said yes. and we were, then we stopped cause i had to go the bathroom, and i think that he started to feel guilty because he was like this is wrong, she (the other girl he is with) loves me, so i asked if he loved her, and he said yes. and he said that he loved both of us. so i was like whatever if you dont want to thats fine, and then we started talking again, and then somehow we started again. and he was like this is the last time, this is goodbye. blah, blah. so that was it. it was good though. and so i brought him back home, and right before he got out of the car, we said i love you to each other, and he confirmed with me that it was it his final decision. that was friday, he called me briefly on saturday, and then all day sunday we played phone tag, and then i talked to him monday, and he said yeah the other night was cool, and we both agreed that it was good. and then he asked if i was up to date on my birth control, and i said that i should be okay, but the only thing is that i dont know that. and then he said that he was going to talk to me on tuesday. because yes i am on birth control but one of the medications that i am taking u are supposed to use something else with it because it can decrease the effectiveness of it, and we didnt. so i hope that i am not, cause that would cause such major problems that it wouldnt funny. and the other thing now is that i had a car accident yesterday, i was stopped at a stop sign and someone smashed into the back of me going at least 30, and my back hurt so i went to the hospital. and i had to have some xrays done which if i was pregnant wouldnt be good for the baby. you arent supposed to have xrays done if you are pregnant, so i really hope that i am not. he never called me on tuesday, so i just called him and asked him if he still had the spare key to my car, because i had to have work done on my car because of the car accident. and we talked for a few minutes. i asked him and he said that he isnt feeling guilty or having any regrets about what happened the other night, because he said that he had left it on such bad terms, that this was better. so i asked him again, because i said that being that his situation was different than mine, if he had any regrets and he said no again. so that is good. for him i guess. he also said that him and his brother have found an apartment just for them and that it is close to his job and they are going to moving into it soon. so that is that, that is the final. and he said that he would call me later in the week. (i think) (or he said that he would talk to me later in the week, i dont remember anymore) not that he had ever left me with any impression that it was going to be any different, or that he was going to change his mind, but i guess it was just wishful thinking on my part. oh well. there goes that. i really hope that i am not pregnant for the major reason that it would be very bad because he has his own life and there seems to be no way that he is coming back to me, thats not an option and i have to get out of my head that it is, so if i was pregnant either i wouldnt tell him, cause i dont want him to seem like he is pressured into being with me, or if i did tell him, it would just be to tell him, because i dont expect anything out of him or want anything out of him, because i take responsibility for this. its my fault for not realizing that the pills had interactions. dont even know if i would tell him. and if i was pregnant that would ruin the life that i have right now, because i would have a lot of major decisions and problems that would come about then. and to make matters worse i had the xrays done, so i dont know if the baby would even be okay. and i wont know if i am pregnant for about another 4 weeks. aaaaggggghhhhh!