I Was Right

well i was right about him not wanting to get back into a relationship with me. i was actually brave enough that i told him how i felt, first i asked if he was still with the girl that he had been with and he said yes, and i asked if he was happy, and i could tell the way that he answered me that he wasnt. so then i told him that because he never came back i never told him that i wanted us to not be on hiatus/apart whatever, and that i loved him and realized that i did truly want to be with him. and he was like oh i feel so bad that you didnt get to tell me. and then he said and i love you too, i think about you every day, we had such a good relationship, i will always love you, and there will never be anyone better than you. so then i said well come back to me, i want to be with you still. and after getting my hopes up by saying all that instead he says, oh i cant come back to florida. so i asked him why and he wouldnt tell me, he said that he couldnt think of a reason. so then through the rest of the conversation he spent that time trying to convince me on how i could get better than him, and how he was an alcholic and he had so many problems, and he didnt have any money, and how he didnt deserve me. and i tried to convince him that i didnt care about money, that i loved him and all i wanted was to be with him. so finally after about 45 minutes of going back and forth, unfortunately with me crying and blowing my nose the whole time (i had told myself i was going to do that, but i couldnt help it), he said oh i am drunk and i have to go pass out, and you put a lot on my plate and gave me a lot to think about, and i have to go. so then he said i will call you soon, and we hung up. so when we hung up i had a really good cry (i think for like at least an hour to an hour and a half) and then i thought to myself that there were so many things that he had said that i could have said something too, because they werent true or whatever. so i emailed him the next morning (which was on weds) and told him like that he didnt have to come to florida, that we could go anywhere (even where he is because i really dont care about where i am anymore), that i was sorry that i had laid that all on him at once, but that i did because that was the way that i felt, and that i hoped that he was really thinking about what i had said. so he then emailed me back an email and it basically said that he does have a lot to think about, but that one thing that he knows for certain is that he cares about me and my kids, but he could never go back into a relationship with me, and the major reason that he gave was that he isnt ready for the responsiblities of raising kids, and the major reason that he gave for that was that he drank too much, and that it made him harsher then he should be. and then of course he carries on with you will find someone else better blah, blah, blah. so i emailed him back (by now this was on thursday morn) and i said that i didnt know what he was thinking about, because obviously he had already made his mind up, and that i wasnt asking him to raise my kids, there fathers and myself were able to do that. i also put in there that his drinking never was a problem, unless of course he is drinking more which would probably mean that he is unhappy. i also wrote that i couldnt understand why he would say that he loved me and then say that he cant be with me, the way that i felt for him, if he called me and said that he wanted to be with me, i would do everything to be with him. but i guess for some reason that he doesnt feel that way. so at the end of my email i put that i wasnt going to discuss/argue it with him anymore, and that if that was his final decision then that was it, there was no going back, and that he had to let me know when it was final, and that i was hoping that he would consider all the information that i had just said. so he answered me back a very short email and said that this was something that was best not discussed on the internet and that he would call me on sunday. and added on the bottom was i'm sorry if i hurt you, i never meant to. so that was that. on sunday i am pretty sure that he is going to say the same lines that he said before. i have resigned myself now to the fact that i am never going to be with him again. now i just have to start trying to move on.

on a different note, i also went to the doctor on wednesday and got medication to help me with my mental issues that i have apparently had and have gotten worse because of everything that has happened in the past two months. she also recommended that i see a counselor which is something that i am working on getting situated now, due to having kids and no one to watch them. i actually made an appt for next week but have no one to watch my kids, and i had to ask my mom if she could help. she said that she would let me know in a day or two. i really hope that she will. i need to do this. well, anyway the meds the first day didnt seem to do nothing except make me very drowsy, but today my second day i was a lot more awake and active, and i also saw my mood get better. maybe my mood is also getting better because i finally feel like the above situation is done. he is never coming back, and that is that, there is nothing that i can do about it now, so there is no point in getting upset about it. i think the medication is majorly helping also though.