The Day After New Years

Okay, so i got drunk last night (like really drunk because i dont normally drink, so for me to have almost a full bottle of wine by myself is me getting really drunk) and i called the person who helped me have all this misery. Because I wanted to come clean with him and tell him that i am miserable (he doesnt know he thinks that everything is fine, because that is what i always made him think) and tell him why I am miserable. I was all ready to tell him that i am miserable because when he had told me that he wasnt coming back, i was ready to beg him to come back to me, and that i loved him so much and i didnt want to have him stay away. but i didnt do any of that. see what happened that caused all this, was i wasnt happy with my life (and with him at times) so i told him that i wanted a break. (we called it a hiatus, like basically that we were seperated but we were still living together, but just as friends, or whatever you get the picture). so that is how we were when he left on a vacation that had planned for a couple of months in october. but before we left we kissed and hugged and told each other that we loved each other, and he promised me that he would be back. well, while he was gone, the hurricane came, and we lost our home, and the building got condemned and all our belongings got destroyed. i called him up and told him all of this, and asked him what he was going to do, and asked him when he was coming back. for a week i called him or he called me, and everytime i asked him what he was doing and when he was coming back. and he would never answer me. so then finally at the end of that week, i called him up and forced him to stop being a baby and tell me if he was coming back. so he told me that he had transferred his job up there, and that he wasnt planning on coming back. and i was so upset, i started crying and yelling at him at the same time. and he kept trying to talk to me, and then he finally said why do you want me to come back? so i said to him what difference would it make, would it change his mind? and he wouldnt answer me, he just told me to stop playing games with him. so i didnt say anything, because i wasnt going to plead if it wasnt going to make any difference. so now he writes me (and i write back of course) and tells me how good he is doing. and i email him back and tell me the good things of how i am, but i dont tell him anything else. i dont tell him how majorly depressed i am, or how much i miss him, or how i think of him constantly. he is even in my dreams. i think that it bothers me even more, because while he was gone before the hurricane, i had made the decision that when he came back that i was going to tell him that i didnt want to be on hiatus with him and that i loved him and wanted to always be with him. but i never had that opportunity. so i guess the morale of that is never to take for granted what you have. so anyway, in response to my drunken call last night he called me back today (he wasnt there last night) and asked me what was up. so i said that i couldnt talk (which i really couldnt) and asked if i could talk to him tomorrow night, and he said okay. i will call him tomorrow night, but what the hell am i going to say? and without being drunk i am probably not going to have the courage to just say everything. i am sure that there is not even any point in telling how i feel and everything, because he has a new life states away from me, and he was (i dont know if he still is) involved with someone, so i am probably just wasting my time. so should i tell him how i feel, and risk getting shot down? or worse getting really bad rejection or my feelings made fun of, so that i get even more upset? that is the decision that i have to make before tomorrow night.