My Day Today

well, to start things off with, last night my boyfriend didnt contact me past like 8:30pm, which isnt like him because he is usually online at like 9 or 9:30. usually somewhere around there. so at like 10:30 i got aggravated and tired and said that i was going to go to sleep. so i signed off the computer and laid down in bed, i was just getting comfy and falling asleep, when he texted me, saying hi, so i said hi back, and he asked me what was up or something like that, so i said that i was going to sleep now. and he asked me what was wrong, so anyway, long story short, he texted me a couple more times after that, i wasnt to friendly back, because by that time i was tired and just wanted to go to sleep. so anyway, i was probably bordering on rude, which i didnt intend to be, i just wanted him to leave me alone so that i could get some sleep. so anyway, i felt bad this morning when i woke up, and i realized that i was really rude or mean to him, and i didnt really mean to. so i texted him like two times, saying hi and then saying i'm sorry, and he didnt answer me right away. he didnt answer for like 2 hours and i was worried that he was upset with me or something. but he finally answered me back, and we talked for a little while, i said that i was sorry, but that i was tired, and that i didnt mean it like that, and he said that he forgave me, and that was really that for that part of it anyway. we talked on and off today, and everything seemed to be back to normal with me and him, which was good.

so other things that happened today were that one of the girls that i work with that i have worked with for a while, comes up and says to me while we were talking, are you pregnant? and i was like umm no, why. she said oh your stomach looks like you are pregnant, and i was upset about that, so later on i said to her why would you say that i am so upset about you saying that, so she said oh i think it was the way that you were standing, you were like slouched over, and you were glowing all day and smiling. (well at least i know why that was anyway). so i said oh okay i guess so, but i was still really offended about that. then today one of my friends from work, the one that i am the closest too, when i made a comment about when she is going to dye my hair for me, because she had said that she would help me with, said something like yeah i agree i know that you have to get it done, because i saw one today. i was like oh my god, you saw one, auughh. so she said dont worry it wasnt that obvious, i had to look really hard to see one when were talking about it. great, i look pregnant, i have my gray hairs. geez. i am doing really good with compliments from people today, just great.

and then to make things just even greater (better, whatever), when i got out of work today, and was driving to go get my kids, i hit the brakes on my car like i usually would of course, and heard the loudest screeching, grinding noise that i have ever heard come from a car, so i got worried about it, because that is the first time that it has done that. took it to the mechanic that it was at last week, and they said that it was the brake shoes in the back, and that they were mistaken about how long the car could last with the brakes that it has on now, because apparently the car doesnt want to last the month or two that they were saying that it could. and then they were saying that i basically have to have it done right away because the way that it is, it could lock on me at any minute, and that my car would then go into a spin, and crash if i cant stop it and there are other cars around me, you get the idea. so anyway, that meant that i had to get it fixed like now. so i asked my parents if they could help me for tomorrow, who werent that happy with it, but they agreed that they would pick me up at the mechanics bring me to work, and then pick me back up at work, and bring me back to the mechanics. so hopefully that goes okay tomorrow. and doesnt cost me that much money either, because i just spent 650.00 on it last week. geez. i told him to do all the brake work on it now, and get it done, and done right, cause i dont want to bring it in again for the brakes for a long time again. so because it is going to be at the shop tomorrow, i am probably going to have to cancel my physical therapy appointment for tomorrow, because i dont think that i will be able to make it there, which means that i would have to cancel it. then i was supposed to go shopping with my friend today, which as i had suspected didnt happen, i was at the mechanics shop for a little while, not that it really mattered though because we played phone tag with each other until about 7pm. and we both had things going on so that was okay. assuming everything goes okay with fixing the car and everything, which i am keeping my fingers crossed that it does, then we are supposed to be going to shopping later on tomorrow. so i hope that happens, and that i dont have any issues with getting a cute nice, not that expensive of course, outfit to wear for friday night. and maybe even one for saturday night. that would be really good. cause even if we arent doing anything with her for her birthday on saturday, then we (me and my boyfriend, wow it is so weird to be using that word) are going to be doing something ourselves on saturday.

well, my supervisor didnt say anything to me about the guy or anything like that, so hopefully either he didnt say anything, or it wasnt that much of an issue or she isnt making it an issue. i really hope not. they are getting ready to be moving me to my new location within the office for my new job, which is starting next monday, and i am getting anxious about it, i am thinking about it, hoping that it goes okay, thinking about missing the people that i work with now, i am just getting myself upset and depressed about it i guess. i am worrying for nothing i suppose, because worrying about it just wont help.

then my husband did a halfway dumb thing today, he walked out of his night job, because they were bitching at him too much, and he said that he quit. but then for some reason like maybe a half hour later, he came back and finished working. so hopefully he still has the job, i dont know why he feels the need to do these things. i dont know why he just cant keep his mouth shut and hold on to a job like the rest of us do.

I Love My Job, I Love My Job

so i went to work today, and stayed basically the whole day until i left a 1/2 hour early due to having my physical therapy appointment today. so anyway, about 15 minutes before i left, a patients husband called, started off with a real attitude so i helped him the best that i could, considering that he kept interrupting me, and wouldnt let me speak and was very irate, even though i proved to him that he did really owe my company the money and it wasnt our fault, he still said that he wanted to speak with my supervisor because the other times that he had spoken with me i had been very abrupt and unhelpful, so this should be fun. i just hope that my supervisor doesnt say anything about it, or making a big thing of it, especially being that i am starting with the new position and the other part of the company next monday. but after that little conversation that she had with me about watching my tone with patients, blah blah blah, i am sure that she wont be too happy about this. on the up side though, what he was saying was basically that today he had no issues with me, and just that in the past he had, supposedly. the past times were i think at least a month or two ago, so i could always say that was after the talk that we had had. but what a jerk, instead of being happy that i had resolved it for him, and solved his issue, he was going to complain about things that i had done in the past. ugh, whatever. i am not going to worry about it, because that isnt going to solve anything.

anyway, on other subjects, my sons father, has, pulled the money for the rent from his butt. so to speak of course. he was going to be short on the rent, and was asking me if i could help him, and i of course answered, ha ha, thats funny i dont think so. i can barely pay my bills because i am missing work, and am therefore missing money from my paychecks. so that is definetly not going to happen. i also wanted to add but didnt, that if he had saved all his money or at least most of it instead of blowing it, that he wouldnt have this problem. but i restrained myself from saying that. and therefore at least avoided an argument. so anyway, he pulled the money from his butt by filing for his taxes, and managing to basically get back enough to pay for the amount that he was short for the rent. which was like 300-400 dollars, not even a little amount that he was short. he is sooo irresponsible. it is really getting bad. i cant believe it. so now he is having them rapid refund him his check, so then he can get it back on weds, with our rent being due on thursday, talk about cutting it close. but at least it should be able to get paid. and i was telling him that we were going to have to then run around weds night to cash his refund check, get the money order to pay the rent, and all of those things, but i just remembered that supposedly i am supposed to be shopping with my friend if we dont get everything that we need tomorrow for her 30th birthday things that she is having (he is sleeping, so i will mention it to him tomorrow).

but the thing is that i dont even know for sure if we are going tomorrow or not anyway, because i tried to call her yesterday and she didnt answer so i left her a message, and of course she didnt call me back. which is of course completely normal for her. so i called her back today, and she answered the phone for like a minute, and said that she wasnt talking to anyone on her phone because she was trying to study for a test which was why she hadnt answered her phone. so i said that i was calling her to find out about tomorrow, and she said something about needing to study that she thought that we were still going shopping or yeah we were i dont know which and that she would contact me tomorrow about it. yeah right, i am not going to hold my breathe on that one, knowing her and how she calls people. so who knows what is going to happen tomorrow. if we are shopping, i just hope that the kids are good, because i am going to have to bring them too with us. cause his father is working, so i dont have anyone to watch them while i go, not that i am really concerned about it anyway, cause if we dont go shopping, either i will have to try to locate something that i already own that i can wear, or just go shopping on my own and try to come up with something, whatever.

nothing new really with my boyfriend (wow that was interesting to say and type out, i dont really say that or type that out much). he has been a little less talkative today then usual, usually in the morning he texts me which he didnt, so i texted him in the afternoon, saying hi, and he did answer me back, so i was saying oh i missed your good morning text, and he said that he was busy this morning but was thinking about me. and we texted a little bit back and forth for the rest of the day, definetly not as much as usual at all, and then the last text that he sent me was at 8:30 and i answered him back, and then didnt hear anything from him since. which is strange for him, he hasnt even been online all night that i have noticed, which is very strange for him, usually he is on at some point every night. hmm...well i am not going to chase him now, i contacted him today first, when i didnt hear from him, i am not going to chase him around now, and keep contacting him first. let him do it next. this is very strange for him though, i just hope that nothing is up. because this is really seeming like deja vu, and i dont like that at all. making me a little nervous. i am probably just being dumb though right? okay. anyway, what i said is it, let him contact me in some way next. that is that. i just hope that my deja vu feelings arent right.

The Night

okay, so last time that i wrote on here i was paranoid and thinking about last night, and what was going to happen. and he was frustrating me a little bit with what he was saying, and i was also wondering if it was going to be any good or night. so here is the details of the night and you can see what you think about it. we had been talking throughout the day yesterday, and in the end i had said that when i was leaving my house at 7:45 that i would call him, but that i would be at the hotel where we had agreed to meet at 8pm. and he said that so he would be able to get there at 8pm that he would leave his house at 7pm, cause he wanted to take his time and drive there slowly because he is now babying his car after everything that was fixed and everything. so i did as i had said, actually left my house on time, and called him at about 7:49 and asked him where he was, expecting him to say that he was around the corner from the hotel or something, instead he says that he is at home studying, and his house is at least 30-45 minutes from the hotel. so i was like thats just great, why are you still at home, and he basically said that because i had been a few minutes late (never 45 minutes or an hour though) that he had decided to wait until i had called him to leave his house. which makes absoluetly no sense. so i said to him fine, i am not going to sit in front of a hotel for like 45 minutes to wait for you, just call me when you are getting close because i am going to be going shopping. so i went to a clothes store that was close to the hotel, and went shopping, and then when he finally got there, about 45-55 minutes late, we went in to the hotel and got the room. (i, by the way, looked awesome if i have to say so myself, i was wearing a halter dress, open of course in the back, low in the front, short but not too too short, and it was black with high heeled sandals, and my hair was down of course)(he thought i looked awesome too) so we finally got the room, and walked in the room, and got a surprise, we had gotten the cheapest room that they had, which was basically you know bed, tv, bathroom, kitchen table, and thats it. when we walked in, we saw that they had given us a suite. so he like got upset and was like oh no, this isnt what we are supposed to get, blah, blah. he didnt know what to do. so i quite calmly called, and asked them about it at the desk, and they said that we had been upgraded which was really awesome, we ended up getting a hotel suite, which had two full bathrooms, living room, fully equipped kitchen, two double beds, it was actually two rooms put together, it was nice. it would have normally cost 80 dollars more then what we had gotten. so we were pretty impressed and happy about that. so, so far, so good, other then frustrating me by being late, he didnt really phase me that much or aggravate me. so we are just standing in the hotel room, and just looking at each other. ugh, it was awkward and weird. so finally i just looked at him, and said you are nervous arent you? and he admitted that he was a tiny bit, so that made me feel better because at least i wasnt the only one that was nervous. then he was saying that maybe we should eat dinner first, and i was thinking honestly, even though i dont think that i said it, lets do it know and get the nervous part out of the way. so anyway, we ended up having a long session at that time. he isnt really that big or wide, but he made up for that in skills in other ways, i dont think that i have ever had foreplay that lasted quite that long that at one point, i was ready to go crazy if i didnt have it in me, well you get what i am saying. so anyway, we did it, and it was good. i did have an orgasm which i was surprised by, because with protection and someone new that your bodies dont really know each other that well, it is usually hard. so i had one during that session if you want to call it that. he said that he had gotten close but he wasnt able to inside of me it seemed. he had to pull it out, and basically do it himself, which was a little strange. the amount of body strength that he has was amazing to me, he literally was lifting me up and holding me up for a while. so okay, anyway after that we were both satisfied and okay, so we took a shower together. nothing really happened in there, except for the fact that he started talking. and ended up majorly sticking his foot in his mouth really far. and getting me really upset. and almost ruined the night. he started saying first that he would be ready to move from where he is and into another place, with me he was saying, in about three years, and that he was going to pay 1/2 the bills, and i would pay 1/2 the bills, and of course have to pay to take care of my kids. so i said that yes, i would be able to do that, and i could pay 1/2 the bills, but that it would be extremely tight for me. so then he was saying something about how if he moved in with someone, meaning me, that he would want them to either be close to having an associates degree or to have it already. so i said that for me i wouldnt be able to have that right now, because of money babysitting issues, that sort of thing. it was something that eventually i want to do, but that it just cant happen right now, i have enough going on right now. and yes i could make more money once i had that, but i just cant now. and he went on and on, acting like basically he was afraid of having to support me and the kids and that it was a requirement, and that how it would be convenient to have someone living with him to take care of the bills with him, and not making it like he wanted someone he really cared for to be with him. so by this time, i was getting really upset. he had to ruin it all by talking, and going on and on and not shutting up. ugh, men are so clueless. so anyway. i got out of the shower, put my clothes on, basically not speaking to him, and said i dont think that i am the one for you, because i dont have what you are asking for in a woman. and so after i said that he was basically saying that he didnt really mean it like that, but that it would be nice if i had it, but that he just wants me to have the ability to make a lot of money too. and not just be him making a lot of money, and me struggling. so i said that was fine, and eventually i would get one, but it could take me 10 or 15 years, or even more, and would that be an issue, or stop him from moving in with me or taking it further with me, and he said no. so basically he took back everything that he said. about the it taking him 3 years thing for him to move out of his parents house, i made a comment to him saying that i didnt think that my present situation was going to hold out that long. because not only do i not think that i can stay with my sons father that long without killing him or losing it, but also lord knows if he can keep a roof over our heads for that long either, i seriously doubt it. he had issues last month with paying our rent. and this month now he is saying that he is going to have issues too, which isnt good, i already warned him that i couldnt help him this month at all, because of all the time off that i have been having to take because of the accident and everything, i am going to short pay most likely, and that isnt good already. but that is a different subject completely. so to get back to this subject, it basically ending with him saying that he didnt mean it like that or that he didnt mean it, and whether i have a degree or am getting one, or am not even trying or not, that it wouldnt change the plan or when the plan would happen. the "plan" being moving in together once he has finished with class, and he is saying that he has 6 more classes to go and then a test and then he would be done. and then get a teaching job and establish himself in it, which would hopefully be no more then 1-2 years, and i am really hoping that it wouldnt be more then that, one year more might be pushing it. for my situation that i am in. i mentioned that to him before, and he just said something about when that time comes, we would see what would happen, blah blah. so okay, anyway, after that little talk and him taking everything back, but me not really feeling all together assured, we went to dinner at a dennys. and i was a nice dinner, we were both starving, the waitress gave us good service, and we discussed first the tip that he/we (being that we were splitting everything) would leave, their was only one moment at the restaurant where he was going to act, it looked like anyway, a tiny bit weird with giving the waitress her tip, but i handled it, and gave it to her instead of him. so that was that. driving home, for some insane reason, probably because he brought up the subject of how well put together i seemed, and how i seemed so in control of myself so long story short on that i ended up telling him about my little issue that i have that comes up occasionally when i am really upset and get the urge. he didnt really get freaked out about it or anything like that, which maybe was what i was thinking that he would, he didnt seem that concerned at all. him and that calm personality. i swear nothing seems to get to him. he basically didnt even react at all, and walking to the room, i made a comment about okay now i am not going to hear from you again, you are going to run, but he was like no, it takes a lot more then that, you have nothing to worry about, so i was like yeah okay. then we went back to the hotel after dinner, and we were supposed to be "resting", but we ended up starting to play again, one thing led to another again, and i swear he is like the foreplay king, i havent seen anything like it. and once again, i had another orgasm, amazing two in one night, cant remember the last time that happened. he, again, couldnt come inside me (well inside condom, inside me), and pulled out took condom off and made himself come again. which i thought again was a little weird but more on that in a little bit. so then we fell asleep at maybe 3am laying next to each other cuddled up (awww, so nice), i woke up at 6:30am, left and got back home, and went to sleep and didnt wake back up til noon. so at least i got some sleep. but anyway, i did hear from him today, so there went me thinking that because i had said that, that i wouldnt hear from him. i actually called him first, seeing if he had checked out of the room and everything was okay, because i left him sleeping, he said yes he stayed til like 11:30 or something like that, and he got some good sleep. which was good for him, but my sleep wasnt that bad either. so anyway, we talked for a while that time, and i mentioned it to him and he said that it didnt really phase him he didnt even think about anymore. so then he called me like 2 or 3 more times after that, and we have also been talking online for almost an hour now. he said that the reason that he couldnt come inside of me was because he is so used to taking care of it himself now that he has to get back used to having a woman. so i guess that is a good explanation. so he said that he should get used to having a woman again, and that he should get used to it again. i just hope that it isnt another 3 weeks til the next time. ugh. so in a recap of the evening, thinking back it was pretty good. yes he was late, and did frustrate me by not keeping his mouth shut. and keep talking and digging himself deeper and deeper. but then again, he is a man, and is also not perfect. so there was that. but there was also the whole night in general which was good, i orgasmed twice which was amazing to me that happened, and he came twice, which was good, and he liked it too i could tell. i also got a bruise on one of my shoulders, not that he did it on purpose at all, i liked it though so that is okay. :) so that was the night. we are not supposed to be seeing each other for a few days now. we are so used to seeing each other several times a week, every two or three days for at least lunch. but this week, and what he said that was from now on, it is only going to be thursday and friday lunches, so from last night (early this morning, but i dont consider that) that makes 4 days that we wont be seeing each other. thursday would make the 5th day. but we are supposed to be having lunch that day. and then friday night is my friends 30th birthday blow-out, and possibly something on saturday night too, which he is going with me for as well. well on friday night she is having a dinner which is guests only, so he cant come, but he is supposed to be meeting me at the club that we are all going to afterward. and then i dont even know if she is still planning on doing something on saturday night or not, but if we are then he is definetly coming to that too, at least that is what i am intending anyway, i dont even know if we are doing anything or what we are all doing, but i do know that he needs to be able to come too. i am getting really really attached to him now damn it. i want to spend time with him. ugghhh. i didnt want to get attached like this, because of the fear of getting hurt, and now i am attached. me and the girls at work were talking about and agreed to a girls night out on the 10th of next month, which is a saturday night, and if i go, that would be the first saturday night (other then the one with the car issues which was neither of out faults) that we werent able to go out. sniff, sniff. i dont know if i really want that. maybe if i met him afterward or something depending on what we are doing. damn i am really attached now. crap. not that i mind really that much, because i am happy with him, but still, you know what i mean. anyway, we said goodbye online now, and he said that he woud talk to me tomorrow, and now i am going to go to sleep.

The Honeymoon Is Over

i dont know, it is so hard to explain. on one hand he really annoys me at times, and then at other times i really like him because he is soo sweet and caring, and thoughtful. for example, probably due to his issues with his car, and the large sums of money that he had to pay to fix it, he is running low on money at this time. supposedly anyway, that is what he is saying. so he was really annoying me about tomorrow that we have planned, he made sure like 10 times or more that i was going to be giving him the money for my "half" of what we have planned, then he was also saying that i would definetly need to pay half of the dinner that we are going to have out as well. so i responded that i had no problem paying for my half of what we had planned, but that if i was going to have to pay for some of dinner, then we might as well just have the check divided and each pay for what the other one eats. then he was saying something about me making something for us instead, i shot that one down immediately, i am not about to cook and home and bring something, that is not going to happen. saturday nights are for me to relax if i am going out, not to be cooking. so hopefully he comprehended that wasnt going to be happening. and he understood that i will pay for what i order at dinner. earlier today when we came to meet me for lunch at my job, like we have been doing several times a week, he annoyed me again. we see each other 2-3 times a week for lunch, with him meeting me at my job for my lunch break. and i almost always make us lunch at home, and bring it for us. so he was requesting what i make him, what he drank, what snacks he had, you get the picture. so when i told him that i didnt have them, he said that i should buy them, so i said that i would think about it. but then in almost the next breath he says to me that he was thinking of buying and bringing lunch for us on monday of subway. so i said oh that sounds good, and he asked me if what we had last time was good for me, so i said yes. then in the next breath he asks me if i am going to give him half of whatever i spent. so i looked at him and without thinking about it, said yes as long as i have them money. then i thought about it and said wait a minute i pay for all the ingredients that you want and ask for, and the lunches that i make for you, so if we are splitting what we are eating for lunches then you owe me some money. so it took him a while to even see what i was saying and he never really agreed to it, this is just an example of the couple of things that have been happening to just make me say hhhmmmmmm. not that they are really annoying me and upsetting me, he makes me really happy at times too, i dont know, maybe i am reading to much into this. one of my friends keeps saying to me that i just need to shut up and stop thinking about it so much, and just enjoy it. and she was saying for me to just enjoy being taken care of and spoiled. now i would understand that to mean to just relax and let him pay for everything and spoil me taking me out. right? but that isnt happening anymore, that is done now. he was telling me later today that whatever we did on the weekends that we were going to have to split, and that he had to start watching his money, blah blah. so basically that means, more money that i dont have that i would have to spend, which isnt that good for me. so, so much for getting treated and taken care of at least in the financial way of going out and everything. i dont know, maybe it is just me, and i need to just stop thinking about all this and just go with it. the plans for tomorrow night are still there, i have been looking forward to it, i suppose, no, i know that i have been looking forward to it, maybe that is another thing, after all this anticipation and thinking about it wanting it, and build up towards it, i am thinking what if it isnt good, what if i dont like it, what if he doesnt like it, i am thinking about all these things. but of course the smart thing to do is not to think about it at all, and let whatever happens happen. cause if i am nervous about it, and with it, that is probably not going to be good.

No One Is Perfect, No One Is Perfect......

that is what i am starting to repeat to myself, because maybe that is my problem. maybe i have been trying to find the perfect guy, which as we all know doesnt exist. and i know that just as the perfect girl doesnt exist, i know that i am not perfect. i am far from it. i know that i have my issues and problems, and i have a lot going on in my life. so why is it that i am so critical of his issues that he has, and the little things about him that seem to bother me. not that they really annoy me anymore, but just that they are very noticeable to me. what is interesting is that almost everytime that i see him or talk to him (which is basically every day) he is talking about the near future, with graduating college, and having a job teaching at school with tutoring on the side, and getting his own place. and me moving im with him, each of us paying half the bills, and all of that stuff. and he is always talking about how happy he is with me, how i take care of him, he said i love you a couple of times, and i had to have the conversation with him about how i wasnt going to say that right now. which he seemed okay with. he makes sure that we talk every day in some way or another or all the different ways. he is really what i have been looking for in a man; someone who is educated, wants the same thing in the future that i want, will have a fairly decent job that will make okay money, has goals in his life, doesnt mind my kids (or the idea of them since he wont be meeting them for quite a while from now), and even sometime in the future would like to have at least one child of his own. so what the hell is my problem? i really dont know. i have been just trying to go along with this whole thing, and not think about it or dwell on it too much, but it is hard for me. not that i am not really happy with all of this and the way that he treats me (for the most part) but that maybe it is that i am scared of letting myself get hurt, because damn it i am already getting really attached. he is already attached, i would think anyway, planning future with me and everything, not that it is a bad thing, because the same thing that i want for my future is what he wants for his, but still. i dont know, i just seem to have a fear of getting hurt now (not that you could blame me from everything that i have been through, but still). i need to work past that fear. and he has been such a nice and sweet guy ever since i have even started talking to him never mind met him that i guess that i need to deal with it, and just let it come as it comes. and just like go with the flow, so to speak. he gave me today (when we saw each other for lunch at my job) a little box of chocolates that he said was supposed to go with the rest of my valentines day presents and also he gave me a little boxed set of lotion and body wash that he said was from his mom for valentines day, as a way of saying welcome, or something like that. that was another thing that made me want to run, and was like ahhhh crap, mother runnnn. which i suppose was dumb, again i just need to take one day at a time. he made a reservation with his credit card on his own for saturday night, after quite a little while of going back and forth about it, and we said that we would split so i will have to make sure that i have the cash for that at that time. i have actually been battling a sore throat, and also have been losing my voice on and off all day today, so i am really hoping that i am not getting sick, or am already sick. i took a vitamin, and am also going to take some of that airbourne and see if that helps maybe prevent it or something, because i dont need this right now. especially with him making that reservation, ughh. i am worried about that now. especially being that i have been looking forward to it, a lot. i mean really a lot. i mean really really really really a lot. i am sure that you get what i mean by that now. i left work early today for my first physical therapy appointment for my knee and ankle, which i am supposed to be going to 3 times a week for the next 4 weeks. so that should be interesting especially some of the times that i am probably going to have to bring the kids with me for them. the tomorrow i have to leave work early to take my daughter to her dentist appointment to start filling one of the five that need to be done. so i just really hope that she is good through the whole thing, so that we dont have any problems with him not wanting to do them. cause other wise i cant pay the 1000 that the other dentist would have wanted to do them. then on friday i also have to leave work early because i have to go to the regular doctor that i have to go to because of the accident for a followup, not that it is going to do anything, because i was just there last week, and nothing has changed, it still feels the same way, and i have only been to one appointment with therapy which was today basically for an evaluation so there was really nothing done. so that is the rest of my week that i have scheduled. i am sure that my daughters father is going to try to bother me tomorrow, because for some reason he was saying that he wanted to come with me and my daughter to the dentist, and i said that he didnt have to because me and the other lady would be in there with her, but he insisted saying that was what he wanted to do. so i guess that we will see what happens with that. i am starting to get upset and worried now, my throat is getting really sore, my voice is really going in and out now, and also something that is really not good is that my ears are starting to hurt when i swallow too. oh i really hope that i am not getting sick. ahhh. it could be that there is something that my daughter might have had a touch of too, because she was sleeping last night, and then at about 11:30 just as i was getting ready to go to bed, she woke up out of her sleep and threw up all over her bed, her pillow, her sheets, the wall, you get the picture, what a mess. and then after that she seemed to feel better no fever nothing, which was very weird to me anyway. the only thing that i could thing of was either that she was fighting some type of bug or something or the only other thing that i could think of would be that she ate something that was bad and/or upset her stomach. my sons father (technically my husband) has been annoying me tonight for some reason, i dont know why, it is almost like he gets joy out of it or something, for example, one thing that he was going to do was start with me about how much i pay to have my nails done every two weeks, which is also what i had done tonight, and yes i will admit that it isnt something that needs to be done, but it is really the one (or one of the few) things that i do for myself, just for me. so i said to him you know what, you dont even have room to talk, how much have you spent this week for what you get yourself. and he had no answer for me, and dropped the subject. and then he tells me that i need to pay my bills after the rent is supposed to get paid, so that if he needs the money he can use that first. so i told him no, i am not going to be late on my bills that are in my name and ruin my credit just because you cant pay the rent. i will be able to pay my bills, you should be able to do the same. and that was the end of that conversation as far as i was concerned anyway.

The Mechanic Update

well today was the big mechanic day, i took the car to the mechanic, and left the car there, with my ex picking me up and bringing me to work. then he picked me up after work, and brought me back there, and paid the bill for me, which i of course will be giving back to him out of my tax return. the bill was 630.00 which i paid 25.00 at this time, but being that i am not getting my child support for this month either this is going to hurt me, i am probably going to have to use a lot of the savings that i have remaining which is hardly anything now. to make up for that. they fixed the water pump, timing belt, changed the oil, checked the brakes (which need to be done in two months, which is rotors, pads, everything so that would cost a good amount of money), and they also hopefully fixed the a/c, they said that they checked the lines and that they had finally found a hole in one of the hoses and had replaced the hose, and put freon back in it. and right now it is blowing cold like ice cubes colder then it has ever blown before. so i just hope that it stays like that, and also that i dont have any more issues for a while. i know that i have to do the brakes and everything in 2 months, but i just hope that nothing before that, and nothing major. so anyway, i got my car back and am very happy about that. it is making a weird whirring noise in the back sounds like from the brakes but my sons father said that i shouldnt worry about that because it is just from when they took everything apart and put it all back together. so hopefully that wont be an issue.

the guy i have been seeing got his car back tonight, turns out i guess that it was major, but not major enough for him to get a new car. so he said that it cost him 1600 to fix the car, and that he had kept the same one and just fixed it instead of paying a lot more for a new car. he also said that his parents paid half and that he paid the other half, so he had to pay 800.00. which isnt that bad. he would have had to pay the whole thing, but his parents paid the other half. which was nice i suppose and i am sure that he could have done it on his own, but i wonder if has ever handled any major situations without his parents help. probably not. but okay, getting off that subject. i have my car back, he got his car back tonight just like me, so everything car wise should be going back to normal. so he was saying that we were going to have our lunch on wednesday that we have together, and on saturday, with much discussion, annoying of me, and questions he made reservations at a hotel. which he hopefully wont change his mind and cancel with how unsure that he was about doing it in the first place. i should talk more about it tomorrow i am just way to tired right now.

Time Away Can Bring Revelations?

okay so today seems to have brought some time away from the guy so far. it almost 10pm, and not one text, phone call from him, instant message or anything. which is very unusual for him, but that is okay. i am sure that if i had tried to contact him in one way or another today that he would have responded or answered but i didnt even try. i felt just taking a step back, which is exactly what happened. and he didnt try to contact me today either, at least so far. which is fine with me. because i really wanted this time away. and to step back and really think about everything that has been going on and what he has been doing. not that i am saying that the car engine going thing was his fault and maybe i was a little less nice about that then i could have been, i am sure that i could have been nicer and more understanding, my mom made me see that a little bit today, i guess that i was blaming him a little bit for his engine breaking, which wasnt anything that he could have forseen and controlled, and fine some people when there car is on its way out dont want to drive their car. but what was really bothering me was the immaturity level that he was showing, with him going with whatever his dad said and his grandmother immediately jumping and bailing his butt out. of course there are other examples of his immaturity that were showed last night, like his not being able to figure out what to do with the reservations and then not knowing what HE was going to do about HIS car issues. like hello, its your issue, but he is doing just what my ex used to do, and depending on his family for everything and not doing anything by himself. and that used to drive me nuts cause he is a grown ass man, just like he was. the funny thing is that when i have always been so impressed with how responsible that he is, it always seemed like he was. but it took me a while to realize that he seems very immature, and i dont need someone immature, i have two kids already and a dog, i dont need another child to take care of, i need a man. so i dont know, lets see what happens, so far today i havent heard from him, and i am not planning on making any moves to contact him. let him contact me. it is strange that he hasnt contacted me at all today, but who knows maybe i was so drunk last night that i offended him and i dont remember doing that, i do remember that i was very annoyed and frustrated with him, so maybe i did who knows. i dont think that i was that drunk that i wouldnt remember what i said. but maybe i was, i dont really remember. i didnt have that many i know that much. i am going to let him contact me though, cause i really want to take a step back right now, who knows maybe he wont contact me again. and then i wont contact him either, thats fine with me right now, let him make the decision for me about it then. i doubt that will happen though, especially from the comment that i made about who knows what will happen in a month, and him wondering if i was going to be breaking up with him. but then again who knows. i guess we will see with that one. (i take the not contacting thing back as i was writing this he went online and instant messaged me, so we will see what he has to say now)

well today was an okay today, my kids aggravated me at certain points because they didnt clean up their room like i asked them too, but what else is new with that. that didnt surprise me any. tonight i took them to yet another birthday party this one was at chuck e cheese's and they had fun, this one was for the son of a girl that i work with. it was nice, except for me there wasnt anyone that we work with there, there was a good amount of people but it was all family and friends. but unlike other parties that i have been invited too where they treat you like an outsider and dont include you, here she really made us feel welcome. so that was very nice, i was very impressed with that. the kids had a really nice time, they ate a lot of food, pizza, wings, fruit from my salad bar plate, and birthday cake (and of course anything else that they could find). there appetites have been amazing lately. they did other things other then eat of course, they played a ton of games and got some pretty cool prizes there too. and when it came time that they do the dance up on the stage with chuck e, and they ask who wants to go up and dance with chuck e, my son had to go up and dance with everyone, it was so cute. the birthday boy was so cute too, he had turned 2 years old on thursday and they celebrated his birthday today. then of course today was my godson's birthday who turned 2 years old today, happy birthday james! i wish that i wasnt so far from you that i couldnt see you for your birthday today. but hopefully i will be able to see you soon. and your mommy, my best friend tyn of course.

i was trying so hard tonight to not mouth of to my ex and piss him off because he is helping me out a lot tomorrow, from bringing me to and from work, to paying for everything up front for them to fix my car, so i am trying not to aggravate him. but he is calling me up and saying the dumbest things, like how do i know what is wrong with it, what is wrong with, telling me to make a list of what is wrong with it for the mechanic, reminding me for the millionth time where the mechanic is geez. so anyway, i humored him enough while hopefully not pissing him off and then said that i had to go, because he was aggravating me and i really didnt want to piss him off right now. i can piss him off after tomorrow but not tonight or tomorrow thats for sure, my car has to get fixed. so i am keeping my mouth shut.

here are some pictures from today:

this is a picture of my dog, who crawled in my closet among all my dirty clothes,that needed to washed, and laid down. (this is something that he does whenever there is clothes in their on the floor)

these are the pictures from chuck e cheeses:

No Hangover Which Is A Good Thing

so i woke up this morning without a hangover, and after all i drank last night that is definetly a good thing, i am honestly surprised that i dont have any form of a hangover in the least bit. the guy that i was seeing annoyed me to no end last night, with changing everything on me, going back and forth and just generally not knowing what the hell that was going on or what was going to happen. if it was me that had happened to, i would take the car to a mechanic or ask one of the friends of my ex who are mechanics find out how much it would be to fix the car, and then if it wasnt worth it, i would get another car and that would be the end of it. i wouldnt be going back and forth with it and not knowing what would be happening. the reason that he doesnt know what is going to be happening is because it seems like he isnt the one that is running the show and making his own decisions about this, it is his dad. and of course he still lives with his parents. so right now with all of this that is going on, this is definetly not looking very good in my eyes about him. because now that something like this has happened he went running to daddy (and his grandma too apparently) for them to tell him what to do and help him with it. instead of handling it himself and making his own decisions. which is reminding me very strongly of HIM, that was a big argument that i used to have with HIM almost constantly, was that his parents had full say over everything that happened in his life, and even over his finances. whenever something happened or went wrong, he always went running to his daddy to help him fix it, and they always did and bailed him out of whatever situation that he was in at the time. and it seems like this is the same way. and even when HE moved out of his parents house, and moved in with me, i had thought that it would change and he would get less dependent on his parents, but nothing changed and it was still the same. i hated that, and this seems like it is the same way with him and his parents. except even worse, is that he has never been living out of his parents house, and he is 24 years old already, and he has no plans to move out any time soon. he said maybe another year or year and a half, when he graduates from college with his teaching degree and starts teaching. so by that time he will be at least 25, and will be living there for all those 25 years, and will not have any experience of living on his own. ugh. i remember a conversation that we had, about bills that you have when you live on your own, and he had absoluetly no clue how much a typical electric bill, cable bill, or rent payment was. i mean no clue, he was guessing and he wasnt even close. which just tells you a little something about him and that situation.

as far as my car and the situation of fixing it and everything, hopefully this is what is going to happen, assuming that my ex isnt pissed off with me, because ever since this morning early at like 9am when i was still sleeping, he has been calling me and annoying me about my car and fixing it and what i need to make sure that i do for it. what is hopefully going to happen is that i am going to drive to a mechanic that he knows that is near his house, which isnt that far from my job, call my ex when i get there, i am going to leave the car there for them to fix, and then he is going to bring me to work. then when i am done with work, he is going to pick me back up at work, and then bring me back to my car. and it should be done by them. my ex is annoyed with me even more because i had spoken with the mechanic and asked him if he could also check my a/c because it isnt cold at all anymore and also if he could check my brakes because they are squealing and squeaking really bad. and also i told him that we definetly need to change the oil because it needs to be done, it is about time. so my ex is annoyed with me because that means that it will cost more then the original 500.00 that he was quoted from this mechanic to just fix what needs to be done which was the water pump and with it the timing belt. but it isnt like i am not going to be paying for it eventually because my ex said that the money that he is lending me to fix it will be coming out of my child support for this month, which is 250.00 so that will be completely done, and also my tax return money that he was going to give me some of. so not only will i not get any child support for this month, but also my tax return money that i wanted to save in case of emergencies or i needed it, will be used and lord knows how much i will have left. probably not that much. which isnt good. there goes money that i was counting on saving in case i needed it. well, what else is new, it seems like what happens is that once i get a little bit of money, it always goes because something happens. you know my aunt was saying that this is enough bad things that are happening to me, that good things need to start happening and i need to start thinking positively. so i responded that i had been thinking positive lately and that i hadnt been negative in a little while, and that this had still happened. so go figure then right.

i just realized that i never put the update of what happened with my sons preschool. me and his father, with my son of course had went there, and spoke with the teacher and the owner, who both of course denied that it had happened. and at one point they owner said that it definetly hadnt happened which she of course doesnt know cause she wasnt there, so that was upsetting us. and then the teacher, who has always been very old and grumpy, lost her temper with my husband and started shaking her finger at him and screaming at him. so he lost his temper and started screaming and yelling and cursing and stood up and i swear i thought that he was going to knock her out. he almost did is what he said. so to make a long story short the owner was basically saying that it didnt happen and that my son was lying which isnt something that she would know because it wasnt there, and the teacher was saying that it didnt happen. and the owner wasnt going to get rid of the teacher, which is what i had figured, and she was saying that she could put frankie in another class, but was basically saying that she couldnt guarantee that the teacher wouldnt be near my son because she was still going to be employed there. and then she was saying something about watching my son in class, instead of saying that she was going to watch the teacher. so end of the story is basically that being that the teacher is still employed there, and because of the way that the whole situation was treated, my son isnt going to be going there anymore. as it is now my mom had said that she would watch him 3 days a week, and his father would then have to watch him the other 2 days. so lets just hope that his father can get those days off work, because as of right now he is scheduled to work on one of those days and they havent given it to him off work. so that isnt good. because i have to work i cant get that day off work. i hope that everything goes okay with my mom watching my son too, because last time she had to stop because it got to be too much for her and she got stressed out and upset. so i just hope that this lasts as long as i need it too. i know that in august he can start (as long as i am able to register him for it and register him for it) with the program for 4 years old that they have, which once you register him for that instead of paying the full price which is like 125.00 a week, it is only 60.00-65.00 a week which is a big difference, that is about half. so maybe if anything she can watch him until then, but that is still at least 6 months from now, which is a long time. so i dont know.

To The Left, To The Left?

maybe it is this guys time to be pushed to the left, and kicked to the curb by me i dont know. i know that i am getting more and more frustrated with him, and that depending on my mood he really annoys me at times. so i dont know. maybe it is just his time to go. today makes two weeks to the date that we have been "seeing" each other, and yes it has been good most of the time, and he acts like the perfect boyfriend. i hear from him every day, we talk a lot basically or almost every day either online on the phone or by texting. and he is a really sweet guy and actually seems to care. but then there is all the other things about him, that he still lives with his parents, therefore no privacy or going to his house, no my house is out too, the way that he depends on his parents, the way that they seem to control him to a point it seems at times, and then there is this whole car thing and everything with that. what we were supposed to do tonight that got cancelled, first he was saying that he was going to reserve it and do it for next saturday night, then he was saying that he didnt think that he would be able to cause he might not have enough money cause of getting a new car, then he was saying something about fixing maybe the car that he already has that the engine went on, and then he asked if i could pay for it and he would give it back to me and i was like uhh no, that is a hell no, not only do i have to pay for my car and come up with the money for that which i am borrowing (but also i am not going to do that anyway, i just didnt say that last part). so he said okay, but that with getting the car and everything he might not be able to do it, so he didnt reserve or do anything now like he was going to for next saturday, he changed his mind. so then he was saying maybe the saturday night after that, and i said no cause that is my friends 30th birthday party weekend, which there are plans for her that have been in place for over a month. which he is supposedly even coming to the friday night of that weekend, at least. so then he said okay what about the following weekend, so i said that because of that monthly thing that you get every month which i will have, that is a no. so then he said well fine then the weekend after that, so i said okay, a month from now, lord knows what could happen. so then he got worried about me saying that, and thought that i was going to break up with him, so i said that i didnt mean it like that, but that you never know what can happen. it is something that i have been considering though, not that he has any clue i dont think. this privacy thing for one is really getting to me, it is one thing to not be able to bring the person home, then it is another thing to not find a private spot if you know what i mean, but then to say oh maybe it will be a month before we can do the reservation thing, yeah okay, that doesnt sound okay to me. so that is majorly frustrating me too. who knows what is going to happen, supposedly he should be looking at cars tomorrow and monday and see how much it will cost, if he is seeing about fixing the one that he has or what will happen with that, then he should know how much money that he has left over. so lets see who knows what will happen, and how more frustrated that i am going to get and what happens with that and me. and how well i handle it and how much i am willing to put up with. who knows.

And The Perfect Get A Little Less Perfect

okay definetly not perfect thats for sure, that was sarcastic. me and the guy that i have been seeing had plans tonight, and they got cancelled. at first i thought that i was going to be the one to cancel them because when i walked out of my house this morning there was a big puddle of antifreeze underneath my car, so i got upset and brought it took a mechanic by my house who said that my water pump was going and would be completely gone very soon and that i needed to get it replaced as soon as possible. so i asked him if it would last me the weekend to do what i had to do, and he said that it should just to keep an eye on it to make sure that it doesnt overheat. and he gave me an estimate of 550 to fix it. which is not good at all. so i called up my daughters father to ask him if i could borrow some money in advance of like my child support or something and he said yes, but he suggested that i use a mechanic near him so that i could leave the car there, and he would drop me to work and then pick me back up and bring me back to the mechanic on monday morning, so i said okay. and he will handle paying them and everything which at least i wont have to worry about. they said that when they looked at it that they would go over everything and make sure that there wasnt any other issues that needed to be looked at, and i mentioned if he could change the oil, and check the brakes that are squeaking and the a/c which isnt really cold anymore. so i am sure that that will add on a lot more money then the original estimate of the 550. that the other place had given me and not even this one. so there goes something else for me to worry about, and i am sure that there goes some of my tax return money because i am going to have to use that for the child support that i wont be getting because of this and him lending me the money. great. just great. and i have to be careful now driving the car that i am not going to overheat it, and the mechanic said that if it looks like i am going to, that i would have to pull off the road and sit there for like a half hour until it cools down. so hopefully i wont have to do that because that would suck. that wasnt the reason that tonight got cancelled though, tonight got cancelled because of the guy. he has an older car, like at least 10 years old, and it was really running bad, and supposedly his engine went on him, and he found this out this morning. so he said that even though it was still running he didnt want to take the chance of driving it and having it break down on him. so we ended up not going and doing our plans tonight, and our plans was something that i was really looking forward to and thinking about, i mean really really really really looking forward to and thinking about. so anyway, there went that, he cancelled on me. i am not really mad at him, cause its not like it was anything that could be helped but still. it still sucks and is disappointing. so this is not a point in his favor. right now it is annoying. he is supposedly going to be getting another car, and looking for a newer used car tomorrow because someone is giving him some money to help with it, so who knows if that would even be enough or not. it is just an annoying situation with him right now, not that he really has any control of it or anything, but still. it is still annoying me, and then his family bailing him out of the situation not that is bad or anything either, just shows how dependent he is on his family. he is also annoying me even more now because he was saying that i could just reserve what we were going to do myself and that he would give it back to me, with the way that he has been acting especially today with the car and everything, there is no way in hell that i am going to be putting up my credit card or anything to reserve anything and see when he gives it back to me, no freaking way. i would have to be stupid or out of my damn mind. i dont even care anymore personally, i am just getting frustrated with all this crap. well today i didnt really do that much, other then freaking out about the car and bringing it to the mechanics and dealing with that, i went to do my walmart shopping mostly getting the presents for the two birthday parties that i have to go to this weekend, and then came home and wrapped them. then i took my kids to the birthday party for today (there is another one tomorrow) which i was at for a while, i was there for about 2 1/2 hours which was plenty of time, and the kids had a lot of fun there, which was nice. they had hot dogs and fries, played laser tag, and got to play all the games there, which was good, they were saying when we left there what a good time that they had. so at least they got to enjoy themselves today. so we went home, and i, having no where to go, came home and got myself nice and buzzed. not really drunk cause i am still functional, but i am pretty good right now. when i first started drinking it felt good, made me forget about a lot of things that i needed to forget about, but now that i reached that point and stopped drinking i am remembering it all again and getting annoyed, frustrated, stressed out, you name it, i am there. so now that the alcohol is wearing off i need to deal with it in my own way. and try to cope with everything as usual.

The Rest Of Valentines Night And Other Crap

well, the rest of my valentines night wasnt like lunch was, and as enjoyable as it was. it wasnt that great at all actually. i had found out that my sons father was going to watch the kids, and i was talking to the guy and he was saying that he didnt have a specific time that he had to be home because he didnt have to tutor til 2pm the next day. so i said that i could stay out for a while too because i didnt have to go to work the next day just running errands all day, taking my son to the dentist, and being off from work. so we met at the restaurant and he says that when he was leaving his mom asked him to be home for midnight because he had to work and had school the next day and also because she worried about him when he wasnt home and she needed to get some sleep. so with the introduction and me thinking that he is a mommas boy and not being able to believe that he is 24 years old and has a curfew, which is sooo amusing, that started out the night. we went to our dinner, and not that he was rude to the waitress but he was very demanding and annoying, and then he left her a tip but it wasnt that much, and considering that she was pretty good he should have left her at least 15% which he didnt even leave. so there was that. so then we go in his car, and are sitting talking, and we started to make out, touching, kissing, grabbing, all with clothes on but you get the drift. so time goes by, we dont have sex or anything but we are enjoying ourselves. i am of course getting really hot and bothered knowing of course that nothing can come of it because he lives with his parents, and obviously he couldnt come back to my house, and it seems that he hasnt mastered the art of finding a dark parking lot, dead end street or something like that, so anyway. i am getting annoyed because i am getting really hot from all this, and i know that there wont be any satisfaction coming out of it for me, cause of our situations and his inability to find a area for that. so anyway, i am getting frustrated with that, and then i look at the time and it is like 11:50 and he had said that he had to be home for midnight, so he wasnt worried about the time, and said that if he was late and his mom was concerned that she would call him. so then it gets to be midnight then it is like 12:15am, and i am getting aggravated because of the big deal that he made with having to be home at the time, so finally i as nicely as i could asked him to just take me to my car so that i could go home because i should get home too cause i gotta get up early tomorrow. so anyway he took me back to my car without a fuss, and that was it for that. he was texting me on the way home, and i was telling him that it was frustrating for me (sexually) because he got me soo incredibly turned on and then nothing else happened. i even tried using a toy that i have, and it helped at the moment, but then a little while later i was getting fruestrated again, so it didnt really make that much of a difference. so we talked to each other online last night as usual, cause we talk to each other every night and some interesting things happened last night. the first thing was that i adjusted my my space page and my yahoo profile and put that i was in a relationship and also that i was just looking for friends and that was it, and that if anyone was interested in anything else shouldnt bother even contacting me. so he saw that and adjusted all his stuff basically the same way with saying that he is in a relationship and also that he is just only looking for friends too, but he also went a step further and put in both of them that he has a girlfriend that he is really happy and said a lot of other stuff too. so all i did was just in addition to everything else that i had said that i did with my profiles, all i did was just add a little note in their about having a really sweet boyfriend who i look forward to spending time with. he was also saying i love you several times until finally i responded back that i just wasnt ready to say something like that right now, and he seemed to understand that, and wasnt offended, at least i hope not, because that wasnt my intention. i am just not ready for that at this point. because , so anyway, we had made plans to see each other for lunch today, even though he had frustrated me and upset me to a point, i still saw him today for lunch. and it was okay he was nice and brought lunch for us, and it was good. quick as usual because i only get a half hour of lunch during work, but it was okay, we talked and joked around quickly and then it was time to go. so that was that. then at the very end of the lunch, he asked me throw something away for him, so i said geez is there anything else that you want, and he said sex. so i gave him a filthy look, said dont remind me, and got out of the car and went back in to work. so he texted me and somehow we got on the subject if me being sexually frustrated because it doesnt really seem to be bothering him very much...and he was saying that soon that would be resolved. or something like that. i will say more about that later, probably tomorrow or sunday.

The Start Of My Valentine's Day

here are a couple of pictures of the gifts that i got for my valentines day today, nothing of course from my dumbass husband, not that i had even expecting anything from him, but still. no, these gifts are from the guy that i am seeing, i guess that sums it up, right? maybe? i never know how to define relationships or what to call them, to everyone that was commenting about these presents that they of course saw me with on my desk, i told that it was my friend, just to save me from saying more, which generally worked for most of them, but he is definetly more then a friend, and he is soooo sweet too. well here are the pictures:

the bears are too cute, they are hallmark bears, and when you make them kiss with their noses together they make kissing noises, and the wings flap on the red bear. it is soo cute. and then of course the roses are a dozen roses, which i eneded up taking out of the plastic as you can see, and putting them in cup filled with water. and all of this came with a card from him that i cant remember the exact wording of but it said something about the past 3 months being great, and how he enjoys everyday with me and he is happy that i am in his life. i was like awwwww. so he gave all of this to me when he met me for lunch while i was at work today, so of course after lunch i had to go back to work and i brought everything that he had given to me into work with me, which is how everyone that i work with saw everything. the reason that we had met for lunch was because i had said that i wasnt going to be able to get a sitter, because when i asked my stupid husband if i could go to a "party" he said no, but that he wasnt going to be doing anything with me, just sitting at home, and doing nothing, and i had asked him if i could go on sunday or saturday night. so out of nowhere when i got out of work today, he called me up and said that he would watch the kids so that i could go. which was very strange and out of character for him, but i wasnt going to question it. i just went along with it, and called up the guy and he said that we could still do something, and the funny thing is that he had said that he was actually just getting ready to text me and make sure that i still couldnt get a sitter for tonight. so that is nice, so now i am supposed to be going out tonight with him. which makes me very happy. cause at least i dont have to be stuck at home with my annoying ass husband. who i shouldnt even call my husband, i should call him my sons father, because that is all he really is to me. he is definetly not a husband, thats for sure, he hasnt been one in a while. i am a little suspicious of his motives for saying that i could go, especially since i hadnt said anything about it in a while. i am just going to be careful, make sure that no one is following me and all of that stuff, cause you never know. i am just not trusting his motives. he is saying that he thought of it, and because he is not going to be doing anything with me, and he is tired and is probably going to be going to sleep early that i might as well go out. my theory personally is that if he isnt trying to be slick and pull something like either trying to have someone follow me or sneaking a girl in the house when i am not here, then he is really doing it because he is feeling guilty. and he would be feeling guilty because of the fact that he didnt do absoluetly anything for me today for valentine's day, no kiss, no hug, no card, no gifts, no dinner, nothing. and then last night my friend was over for a little bit because we were looking at outfits on the internet for what we are going to buy and wear for her 30th birthday party weekend that is coming up and he came home early from work and she was of course still here, and stayed maybe a half hour more, and he was pissed off and making comments about how long she was going to be here and everything while she was still here and could hear what he was saying, so i think that is why he feels guilty because i have been really cold and angry with him all day today. but who knows. at least i get to go out tonight and have some fun and not be stuck at home with him and lisitening to him whine.

i have something that just came up a few minutes ago that made me very extremely upset, i am doing all that i can to contain myself. my son, who is going to 4 years old in the beginning of may, so he speaks very well and is very expressive, came up to me and told me that today while he was at school one of the teachers there was running after him because he was running in school, and that she caught him with her hand around his neck, and sure enough he has at least two scratches around his neck. so i am of course livid, about this, i am actually even beyond livid about this i am so upset, and his father tried to call one of the owners of the school cell phone number, but of course they arent answering their phone. i am so beyond upset right now, i cant even explain it, no one puts their hands on my son. i trust this school to take care of my son, and not to put their hands on him, and this is what they do. i am so upset, that his father doesnt even want me to handle this, he said that he is going to speak with the school, and do everything that needs to be done. i have to get going to get ready to leave, i dont even really feel like leaving though cause i am so upset about what happened with my son.

So Much To Say

okay, well i know that it has been a long time since i posted here last, but things have been busy and crazy as usual but what else is new with that right? well, lets see i found out that i was offered the position that i had been interviewing for, and i also found out that i have to have physical therapy 3 times a week. which i just realized that i didnt mention for what, i have to have physical therapy because i was clocked out and was just walking down the stairs at my job to leave work, and i slipped and went falling down 4 of them, and hurt myself very badly. i banged up and hurt a lot of various parts of my body, but the one that is really bad now is my knee. so anyway. i went to a doctor, a workers comp doctor, after my job giving me some issues with it because i was clocked out, and that doctor on my second visit with him said that i need to have physical therapy 3 times a week for the next 4 weeks. so now i am going to have to of course miss a lot of work to go there, and from previous conversations that i have had with my big supervisor i was told that they wouldnt pay for any time that i missed because of appointments with the doctor. so that stinks that would mean that every time 3 or 4 times a week that i would have to leave for therapy or doctors appointments wouldnt be covered, which wouldnt be good at all. so that is one thing that i am not happy with right now. the other thing is that i found out about me being offered the job on friday, so then i took the weekend to job and today i responded saying that i wanted to accept it, but wanted to make them aware that i had to go the doctors once a week and also the physical therapy, and would have to leave work early for those. so the big manager answered back and asked what the times would be that i would have to leave for them, so i said hopefully no earlier then 3pm but that i was in the process of trying to get them scheduled and everything, and i sent that as my response, and i didnt get an answer back and no one told me anything about it either verbally. so i dont know. i am going to talk to the lower manager there tomorrow, and casually be like oh so i was just making sure that i am definetly starting on monday cause i didnt get a response from the manager, and then see what she says to that, cause i need to know what the heck i am doing. i am sure that i am going to be starting next monday like the original email offer that i received said about the job. so i should be finding out for sure tomorrow lets hope anyway. so thats it for that so far anyway. lets see what i find out tomorrow about that.

the guy thing has been going go, too good to be true sometimes i think. we had lunch together three days during the week last week and then we went again last saturday night that just passed. so i am over the height thing, it didnt bother me as much, as it was before, i am actually getting over it, i am also just not wearing my higher heels i am trying to wear shoes with as low heels as possible so that it isnt that much of a difference, and i dont give it the chance to bother me. his breath wasnt kicking anymore, so maybe that was just a one night thing or something who knows, or maybe his chewing gum a lot helped, cause i have noticed that he has been doing that a lot more now. the talking a lot thing has also went away a lot, maybe it was either because he was nervous or maybe because i wasnt talking that much, also the stuttering issue that he had also went away lot, so maybe that was also nerves, he still talks a lot more then i am used to guys talking, and also stutters a tiny bit but not that noticeably anymore. he is still what i had the impression on of him in the beginning which was that he was really sweet and nice, and also doesnt seem afraid to say things that other guys dont like too, like about feelings or thoughts or things like that. he even will bring it up occasionally, and say like that he really is enjoying himself being out with me or something like that. and no i havent had sex with him yet, but the sparks are definetly there now, thank god. i was getting worried about that, i thought that it was strange, but i was starting to feel a little something at lunch on some of the days that we had lunch which were weds, thurs and friday. but then saturday night was amazing, mind blowing even. the way that we were attracted to each other, it was like sparks flying everywhere. first we went to the drive in movies, which i hadnt been too ever, which was amazing, cause like everyone has been to one, but me. so anyway we went there, it was good, we watched the movie, made out a little bit, he grabbed a little something and that was about it for that. so i was starting to feel some sparks already from that, then we went to dinner, and sat and talked and that was nice. then we went to a club, which i hadnt been to before, and the sparks really flew there, rubbing, close dancing, feeling, you get the drift. so we drove back to my car, and we were near my car in his, and the sparks were flying so much the car almost blew up, the attraction was amazing. we made out, did a thing or two, not that i could have done that more then that cause i had my damn period. so no sex. not that i didnt want it, and that it wasnt headed in that direction, but it didnt happen. which was good in a way because i am mostly happy that it didnt, let that wait a little while longer. not that i didnt really really really want it, cause i am really freaking sexually frustrated cause it has been way too long since i have had it. and getting me all worked up like that on saturday just really didnt help it just made it worse. auuuggghhhh.

The Guy Continued

so okay where i left off was that i went to sleep at 3am, and got up at about 10am, i would have gotten up later but the kids were getting restless and starting to be loud, and i also had to meet my mom to joing up at a wholesale club with her and also go out to lunch (with the kids of course). so somehow i pulled myself up out of bed, and got going. knowing that i was probably going to bed up late, i hadnt scheduled anything for sunday except that. so anyway, i did that, and i came home and watched the super bowl, and i didnt hear from the guy all day and night. so i was thinking that maybe i had offended him or something by leaving cause of my stomach, even though i did stick it out til like 2am. cause i am used to hearing from him basically every day. so i texted him this morning saying hi and that i was sorry about sat that i had hoped that i hadnt offended him and he answered asking if i had a nice time, and that he had loved it and that were on for next saturday night. he came online tonight too and we were basically talking along the same lines that we are going to go out on sat night again, and he was saying that he really had a nice time and seems like he really likes me. well, not really really likes me like in love with me, which would be auugggh way scary but you know what i mean. i am mixed about him though, i guess that i am just being cautious which is good.

The Previous Dentist Appointment/And The Guy

the dentist appointment that i forgot to write about, which was on the 31st actually went pretty well. she was unfortunately not lisitening to me, but at least when they were in their dealing with her or talking to us she was behaved. what they said was the same thing that the other dentist said which was that she does definetly have 5 cavities, they said that one of them were in one of her baby teeth, and they also said they said that they ran it through her insurance and that it was only going to cost us about 13 per tooth for a total of 65 dollars, versus what the other dentist office said which was that it would be 950 dollars total for all the teeth, so 65 versus 950 that is a huge difference. the only thing is that they are a regular dentists office, and not a childrens dentist office, and they said that they dont usually work on children as little as her, and that they would normally refer them to a childrens dentist. but that they were going to try her and see how she was. so that means that in order for them to do it, she has to sit still, listen and not whine or yell. which i really hope that she does. because if they refer back to the childrens dentist, then i will be back to the 950 dollar quote like before. which i just cant do there is no way. so they didnt do any fillings or anything except the xrays and exam on her that day, and they said that they will only do one filling per visit, so that means that i am going to have to bring her back there 5 times. and she has to be good all those times. the office manager who seemed to like kayla and was talking to her said to make the appointment for a thurs so that she could sit with kayla too and talk to her. so the soonest appointment that they could give her was on the 22nd, so i had to request to leave work early to take her. and i resorted to bribing her too, and told her that every time that she went to the dentist and was really good that as soon as we left there that i would take her right to the store and buy her a toy. so hopefully that helps too. i of course also threatened her telling her that she would be punished for a very long time if she didnt. so hopefully both of those things work. we will soon see i suppose. and then the thursday a week before her appt which is on the 15th i was finally able to find a dentist and get an appt for my son, so that should be interesting. i have no idea how he is going to react to the dentist. and to the whole appointment thing. i guess we will see.

well, the going out with the guy on sat night was definetly interesting, it was weird. too start with when about two hours before i left, i got that feeling, and discovered that i had a female infection which really sucked and was a bad thing, so that made me uncomfortable right there. i bought the medicine to use at the drugstore, but the crappy part is that to use the medicine you have to be sleeping and laying down for hours to use it, so i of course had to wait until i came home and everything was over and went to sleep to use it. so i had to basically suffer the whole night with that, which i didnt mind as much as i normally would have because in my mind i knew that with that there was going to be no sex happening no matter what, even though as it turned out i didnt have to worry about that, he was really a gentleman, which was amazing considering almost every guy that i have been out with has been nothing like that. anyway, the night started off with me meeting him at a restaurant. then we went along the beach for a little while, and then we went to a country music club (which was his suggestiom) and were going to go in but my stomach was hurting so bad that we didnt go inside, we just stayed outside and walked around and everything. (with one of my friends knowing where we were going and everything just in case). he was really nice and sweet didnt try to do anything bad or inappropriate we kissed a few times. that was about it for that part of it. i didnt feel like huge sparks or anything like that, the earth didnt move like i have felt a tiny amount of times, but i wasnt really expecting it too. i didnt get a little turned out, like a tiny bit, so at least i guess that would be good for the future if i wanted to go that route. he was extremely, nice a real gentleman, i said i was cold he gave me my jacket. the bad points would be that he talked a lot, and i think more because i wasnt feeling good it was getting on my nerves at one point that he was talking so much and telling all these stories and wouldnt be quiet, and then there was the two facts that i think is the major reasons that even if i wanted to i couldnt have felt those sparks, the first one would be that his breathe wasnt nice, it was bad to a point, i gave him a mint and it faded away after a point and didnt help, and also he is only a half inch taller then me and i was wearing little heels in the boots so with those i was taller then him, and for those of you who dont know this, i have a thing about guys, they have to be taller then me at all times or i get upset, i hate it when they are shorter then me. and with the heels he was shorter then me. so i dont know. i mean talking to him he seemed like he wanted the same things that i wanted, he made a comment about in another year that he would have his degree and be doing a lot better financially and that cld be able to get a place himself, and that if i was with him cld have me and the kids with him share the bills that sort of stuff, also talked about in far future a baby, and that sort of stuff, so he is definetly thinking with what i want for my future, getting out of this situation, being with someone who treats me well, having a life with them. so he wants to settle down. which is good, cause that is what i want too. so i dont know. my stomach ended up hurting really bad, and at like 2am i told him that i had to go, and go home so that i felt better, and he seemed okay and understanding about it. when it first started hurting, he was even trying to rub it and everything (and not in a sexual way) to make it feel better. so finally i had to leave because of my stomach and i went home and finally fell asleep at like 3am. more in the next post. this one is way too long right now.

Weird Stuff

well, my husband is still making me incredibly unhappy which is nothing new, after that huge fight that we had the next morning he said that he was sorry, and that he would act better and get himself more together blah blah not that it wasnt anything that i hadnt heard from him before. so i was like yeah yeah whatever. so anyway that was the day after the argument, and everything was okay, and not that bad for a little while. but then when we got his paycheck it turned out that he was going to be 75 dollars short on the rent even with borrowing money from someone he works with and other things. so he said that i was going to have to help him and that next week he would give it back to me. so i of course had to say fine that i would help him because what was i going to do, let us be that much short on the rent, and have that then cause problems. so i took the cash that he gave me for rent, and the money that i had to contribute to the rent, and i hid it in the house until he cashed his paycheck and we went and got a money order for it and dropped it off this weekend. so anyway, i hid it knowing how he is, and i went out last night. (more on that later). so i didnt get home until maybe like 2:30 in the morning, and when i get home he basically meets me at the door and says that i am going to be mad at him, and tells me that his friend came to the house who he had borrowed money from and that he had to give him the money. so he ransacked my bedrooom guessing that the money was in here, and found the money, and took 60.00 out of it and gave it to his friend. this is the story that he gave me anyway. so i was hugely pissed, and then not only that, he also supposedly went and cashed his check, and it cost him 20.00 to do that, yeah right. so anyway by the time that he was done with everything he was another 80.00 short with the rent, and i am so beyond pissed with him that it isnt even funny. he expected me to go up with that 80.00 to make up for him doing that and screwing up (this is in addition to of course the 75.00 that he had gotten from me, and then 100.00 that he had borrowed from his friend at work) so i said no, i dont think so, i dont have it, and he ended up just paying the rent short the 80.00 and writing them a note stating that we had financial difficulties and that he would give them the rest of it next week. so number one hopefully he stands by what he says and also number two hopefully they dont make a big deal out of it or give us late fees or anything like that. i am so done with him right now i swear. if i could leave him right now, or kick his ass out and not have a housing issue i would right this second. and of course he was handing me the same line about how this was going to be the last month that this was going to happen and that he is going to get everything straightened out and follow a budget blah blah. so yeah right. lets see if that happens. so i just said oh yeah thats good, and didnt say anything else, and he was whining that i wasnt supporting or encouraging him, i didnt even answer that one, cause my answer wouldnt have been nice, it would have been that i had supported him the past 10 times that he had said that and that i wasnt going to say anything anymore. so that is that now, he owes me 75.00. which who knows if i will see, some guy that he works with he owes 100.00 and then of course he still owes the landlord 80.00 and being that we were already late with it because we didnt drop it there til today, lord knows how they are going to react to that.

on a different subject, i was supposed to go out with my friends (girls) on saturday night (which was last night) but i wasnt able to because the girl that i really hang out with the most out of them, which is the one that we always go no matter what if the other girls dont want to go or now, pulled her back out, and was in really bad pain and not able to really walk or stand, anything like that. and so she couldnt go, so we said that we were going to reschedule for maybe another two weeks from then and see what happened at that time. dont know if i remembered to write it down here, but i had been talking to this guy for about two months online who is a tutor and will be a teacher (with degree) in a year, he is 24 years old. so anyway we had been talking for that long, hadnt exchanged phone numbers or anything like that for that whole time, and then he said that he would like to meet on the 3rd and i finally agreed to it. then like the next day i remembered that i had made the arrangements with my friends first, and asked him if we could change it too the 10th, and he said okay. so then friday night when i was online and was talking to him, i slipped and said to him that i wasnt going out with the girls after all that we had to reschedule, so he was asking if i wanted to have like a little pre-meeting on the 3rd then the original planned thing on the 10th. so i finally ended up saying yes, gave him my number and everything. and we ended up meeting last night. i told one of my friends where we were meeting and as many details as i knew in case something went wrong which nothing did, and everything was okay with that, but i did that just in case. it was cold and rainy last night, so i couldnt really dress up or anything, i just ended up wearing jeans, boots and a nice top. and that was it, i didnt mess with make up or anything. right before i started getting ready, i felt uncomfortable and everything, and figured out that i had a female issue that some of us get sometimes that really sucks and sure enough i did. so that sucked and made me really not in the mood to be meeting someone for the first time like that, but i went. i am going to go now, cause i am really getting tired and not feeling well, i have also been having stomach issues since yesterday too, i will try to put more on here tomorrow about everything that has been having especially with yesterday and the guy.