More Things To Upset Me

well, the first thing to upset me was that my husband was more short on his share of the bills then he originally thought that he would be. he was actually 300 dollars short, as he is every month, because he now doesnt bother giving me any money at all towards the groceries like we had originally agreed on. he was also short another 40 dollars on the rent, the day that it was due which was yesterday, so i of course had to scramble around to locate 40 dollars of my money so that we could pay it. and then he is telling me not to get upset about it or make a big deal about it, because last night my friend did watch the kids and we went out. it took me 2 and a 1/2 hours to get from my house to her house to get the kids there and dropped off. and that whole time was spent in the car, and it isnt that she is that far from my house normally it would take me 45 minutes the most, but because of the weather, and accidents caused by it, it just took me so much longer. we went out to dinner, and then we went to a bar shot two games of pool and he had 2 drinks and then we went home. he kept saying that he was tired, and it seemed to me that he wasnt that thrilled about being out. even though he kept claiming that it was just that he was tired. i dont know. then my daughter got me very upset because she did something very bad in school yesterday, and that is just piling on the stress and me getting upset with her about it, and worrying about if any further action will be taken or if she will ever do anything like it again, and if she does what would happen then. our rent is going to be raised the 75 dollars a month if we sign another lease again, and we are supposed to sign the lease again the end of november for december 1st. i am just so scared about signing another lease, because he can barely pay the rent now, what is going to happen when it goes up another 75 dollars a month? i cant have another eviction on my credit, my credit is horrible as it is, i dont want it to get worse. and that is what i am scared of. my husband got me upset last night with the 40 dollars short thing, because the problem with him is that he cashes his check and within maybe an hour money disappears, he doesnt tell me how much disappears or how much his check was originally for. or he lies to me about it. and he also doesnt tell me where the money is going. after how upset i have been lately with him about that, he said that he was going to sign his checks over to me and let me handle them and put them in my bank. like all of the things that he has said that he will do and doesnt do, lets see if he actually does it. because i do know one thing i am reaching the end of my road, and i cant take much more of this. and if he wont change the way that he does things, then i am going to have to start changing things that i do. and i will tell you one thing, he wont like it. and one more thing, yes the sexual frequency was going up a little bit and it was a little bit better then usual, but the problem with that is that he has to want it and approach me about it. whenever i am feeling like i want it, and he doesnt want to deal with it, screw me, tough luck, i dont get touched. i get a raised eyebrow and an i'm tired. which i guess that i should be used to by now. i think that i need to find a playmate on the side. it doesnt have to even go anywhere, i just need more attention and affection then it seems that he will ever give me. who knows if i will ever do anything like that though. its one thing for me to be with HIM for example when i am living with my husband, i dont know if i would ever be able to keep myself from doing that. but it is another thing for me to start up something new with someone new, or a new relationship with someone. here is a recent picture of me, it isnt that great though:


i look like i am ready to kill somebody right? i didnt know that they were going to be taking the picture at that moment. oh well.

i will leave you with a not so recent but better one of me: