the financial update

well, as much as this sucks to put it on paper like this, and i know that i have mentioned it before, but here it is on paper because i just sat down and figured it out. with reducing all the bills that i would have to pay to a minimum, i would only have 440.00 dollars left per month for rent. and of course, that would be impossible to find a place that is that cheap for rent. at the rate that everything is going, it is getting more and more impossible to find a place to rent that is a 2 bedroom for under 1000 dollars. of course, i would probably be able to just barely scrape it by if i knew that my sons father (husband at this time unfortunately) would be give me the child support that the courts ordered. which i from what i have been figuring out should be around 600 dollars. so then i would be able to make it. except for the fact that considering the fact that he is so lazy and irresponsible that he cant even hold on to a job, or work enough hours to pay the bills like we agreed on now, do you really think if we are not together he is going to be responsible and do that? yeah right. so i cant even think of depending on that, which then translates into i am screwed. so i am stuck with the same crap and same bullshit that i have now. i told my husband today that he was going to have start doing something different with his job because my job has hired 2 new people and there just isnt going to be the overtime anymore like it used to be. it isnt that anyone has told me that, i just know. i see it coming because already we are running out of extra work to do because they are doing it all. we will see if i will even have any extra work to do next week. i might not even be able to do any extra work next week. so i told him that today, and told him that he was going to have to figure something out, and he said well i guess that i am going to have to get a part time job. (which he of course has been saying for a couple of months now, but just hasnt bothered looking, or puts in one application every few weeks and then says that he isnt having any luck.) so we are going to see what happens with that. i said to him today that i didnt want to sign another lease when our lease is up the end of november. so he called me up later after i said that and asked if he would be moving with me. and i didnt give him the impression that he wouldnt be, it is just that i really wish that he wouldnt. and with all that he is so irresponsible etc, you would think that he would have at least one good quality that i could think of that would at least make up for everything a little bit. but i cant think of anything. he is angry all the time, screams at the kids, me, but the kids almost all day, which then gets me stressed out, treats me like crap, is never affectionate towards me, and never wants to have sex. and i am sure that if i took more time, i could go on more and more about it. it is getting to the point that everyone that i talk to keeps telling me to toss him to the curb, look and get someone else, etc. but isnt that easy, i cant just toss him to the curb without having my butt tossed to the curb too. it is so bad that even my dad said that i am wasting my life and time with him and need to get rid of him and look for someone else. so i reminded him that i couldnt look for someone else without having him around right now unfortunately for financial reasons. and he said oh well, screw him then, do it while you are still with him. which shocked me because my dad isnt like that. but that just goes to show you how much crap that i have been through and what my husband puts me through, and what a piece of dirt that he can be. for example, when we were arguing he promised me that his paychecks were going to get signed to me, he hasnt done that once yet. so when i got pissed off about that, he then promised me that he would give me 300 dollars the next 2 paychecks. this paycheck he claimed that he only got 300 dollars, do you think that he gave me the whole thing to put towards the rent? of course not, he gave me 260 dollars, and then made up some crap about why he didnt give me the whole thing. so i got mad at him because he never keeps to what he says, and he told me that he was going to sign the whole thing over to me his next paycheck. yeah right, i dont believe him anymore, and i know that he isnt going to do that. then that guy that i was i'ming hasnt been really contacting me. i got an i'm that he snt on weds night at like 11pm saying that he had internet at the hotel that he was staying at. i was of course not online at that time, so i got it the next day which would have been thursday. so i'med him back saying that was great that he had it, and that i was sorry that we were missing each other and hopefully we would meet online too. that was yesterday that i sent that to him probably at around 8:30pm or so. i havent heard anything from him after that. you know what it is? it just seem like everyone is disappointing me or upsetting me lately, even people that you dont expect to. anyone, we will see what happens with him. i mean he is on a business trip staying in a hotel he has never been at, in a state that he has never been in, so i guess that i understand. whatever, i am not really that worried about it anyway, if he doesnt email or i'm me again or contact me, it will stink cause i was curious to meet him, but at least that will be one less thing for me to worry or get upset about. because it seems like every guy that i have had in my life in the past 4 years, almost 5 years now, has just upset me, hurt me, and broken me. i feel numb inside most of the time, and sometimes i just get to the point that i just dont know how much more that i can handle. so if he doesnt contact me again, at least that is stopping the possible severe hurt that i would feel if something happened between us. great attitude huh?