Maybe This Is Payback

i was thinking today about all of the bad and/or heartless things that i have done, and the mean and crappy way that i had treated HIM for a little while before he just never came back, and i was thinking that me being with my husband now, and being basically stuck with him (that is the way that i view it) and the way that he treats me this is just payback or karma for all of the things that i have done. for example tonight, he has been treating me so awful yelling at me if i speak to him and telling me to leave him alone, and i didnt even do anything. i had to go to a open house for my daughters school and after the incident that occured last week, i really wanted to go. so i went there, and when i came back this was what i had to put up with. it is like punishment or something. i was also thinking today and getting sad about my grandfather about how that is one more person that i am not going to get to see again. and then for some reason, it crossed my mind that if i had been pregnant when HE had went on vacation and we had lost our apartment, he wouldnt have left me like that, he would have came back. but that wasnt meant to be i guess. i guess that i need to think of all the bad things that he did, and the things that used to upset me about him. it is just hard to remember them, because i am just so unhappy now. there are so many things that are going on right now that are making me unhappy and depressed, i am also having guilt about not going to see my grandfather 2 weekends ago when my dad went. but i had my kids, and he was in a hospital it just wouldnt have been good to bring them, and i didnt have anyone to watch them, so i didnt go. and now i didnt have a chance to speak with him or say goodbye like everyone else did. which is giving me guilt. well, i guess that is it for now, i am just feeling bad.