"If you see him, tell him that i wish him well"

"how am i doing, sometimes its hard to tell. I still miss him more than ever, but please don't tell."
lines from If You See Her --duet sung by Brooks and Dunn & Reba McEntire

well to be honest i am doing crappy. my stress level has exceeded the maximum that is usually at. lets see, where to start. ----
well, there are two major things right now, and they are one i have kept my vow, i havent called him and surprise of surprise he hasnt called me either. okay, okay, that was sarcasm. he is probably to busy f**king his new girlfriend. okay, okay, so maybe i am a little jealous. okay more like pissed and jealous. its not her though, it is him. i am not calling him, i am sure that he will be calling me in about a week or two, if not sooner, to make sure that i am not. even though it hurts right now, i keep trying to tell myself that this is best, because i am just hurting myself by prolonging the torture. he doesnt want me anymore, i just wonder why i cant let go of this.

and then of course the number two stressor is my husband, who is now reminding me more and more everyday of why we were seperated for so long and why i never wanted to get back together with him. he has had two jobs for about 2 months, which i have been so proud of him about, because we really need the money, and he has so many things that he wants to accomplish that is what he has to do right now. so anyway, they were going good until he told me that one of his jobs told him to stop working yesterday and punch out and go home. because he was being to slow. and he was really upset about that because he was doing the best that he could, it had just gotten so busy that he couldnt handle it. so anway when he was punching out he said to them am i still working on tues which is his next day that he is scheduled to work, and they said that they would call him and let him know. and they havent called him. so he said that he was just going to go there. it is just making me nervous because given his past history with losing jobs and not trying to get more that isnt good. on the good side, he did pay his share of the bills today, whining and complaining about it the whole time. but at least we have a place to live for another month. and of course there is the fact that he never pays attention to me, offers me no affection, never wants to make love, soi that aspect of our relationship is non existent. and then on the rare once every 2-3 weeks that we do, it sucks it is like he isnt really trying. i dont know. i really dont think that he wants to have us be a couple like he says. it is just like we are still seperated but we live in the same house. that is how he treats it, so that is how i am starting to view it.

and then there are the other stressors that i have, which are the kids not lisitening, well i should rephrase that, my daughter listens okay, my son has been acting very bad lately. doesnt listen at all, i yelled at him so much over the weekend that by sunday afternoon i was losing my voice. well it was probably because of the yelling and maybe also partially because i think that i am fighting some kind of a cold or virus.

and then my grandmother is in the hospital and has been on and off for about a month, they are doing a biopsy on her now to make sure that she doesnt have cancer. and my best friend just had a gastric bypass done on thursday, and even though the surgery went well, evidentally she is not recovering well. she is in a huge amount of pain. so i keep calling everyday to check on her.

and with all this, i wonder why i am so stressed. someone was looking at my manicure today, and i held my hand up to show them, and my hand was shaking horribley. no wonder.

MY VOW

i was going to add this to the post that i just finished for today, but this one is so special that i am wanted to make one just for this.

my vow is that from this minute forward i am vowing not to call HIM, and i am also vowing to try to stop obsessing and thinking about him so much. because that chapter is OVER. and i need to deal with that.

if he wants to call me now, he can, i am NOT calling him.

that is my vow

"There's a reason why people don't stay where they are, sometimes love just ain't enough"

Well just a vaguely ordinary day for me. was with the kids all day, i yelled at them all day because they werent behaving and they were driving me nuts. my voice is actually hoarse from yelling all day. HE hasnt called me since whenever it was that i wrote yesterday that i talked to him last, i am sure that he will be calling me sometime soon, but definetly i know that he will be calling me in about a week and a half to make sure that i am not pregnant. and then after he finds that out i am sure that will be it for him calling me. which i think that i am going to try to do anyway. it would probably be best for me if that is it. because i really do think that me talking to him all the time like i was really torturing me. it will bother me in the beginning i am sure, but this is what has to happen. that chapter in my life is closed and i need to stop obsessing about it.

As for loving the one that you are with when you cant have the one that you love, i am finding it harder and harder to do that. i am married and do have a husband right now that i am living with, but our relationship is ridiculous. we hardly see each other, because he works so much. which is good, because we really need the money, especially with me missing all the work that i have been. that is not what i am complaining about, what i am complaining about is that on the rare occasions that i do see him or talk to him, all he does is complain, whine and yell. he yells about some of the housework not being done when he thinks that it should be, he complains about my driving, about not having money, about working so much, and about the way that i look. because i am not as conservative or motherly as he would like me to be. and now he is really stressing me out even more because he is having trouble at his jobs. that he just got about 1-2 months ago. he is saying that they arent that happy with his performance. and also he always doesnt have money which doesnt make sense, because between working full time at both jobs, he should have a shit load of money, i just want to know what he is blowing it on, i hope that he isnt falling for the same thing that he was before, he claims that he isnt though. but then again last time he wasnt exactly honest with me either. i am just not happy with our relationship, we never have sex unless i beg for it, and then it stinks. the last time that we did, neither of us came, it was a very unsatisfactory experience. and then when it has been awhile, like 2-3 weeks, then he whines about it, and basically blames it on me, and finally cant take it anymore and practically jumps on me. and the cycle then starts over again. when i tried to break the cycle like i did last time, it sucked, like stated above. i am just not happy with him or the way that he has been treating me, and i really dont think that this second chance is going to work, i really think that it is going end again, and this time there will be no more chances this was it.

Poem---Romance Novels and Life

Why can't life be like a romance book?
In a romance book, the couple always end up together,
happily ever after.
They might have their issues,
but at the end they end up getting resolved, and stay together.
When the man says that he wants them to be together forever,
they are.
And the woman never has anyone chasing after her that she is not interested in,
she already has the one that she wants.
And that one that she has,
only wants her to and only says i love you to her.
Instead of reality, which is the one man that she really and truly wants,
won't be with her for whatever reasons.
He had asked her to marry him several times,
and she had always accepted.
But in the end, they didn't end up together.
Why is that?
He decided, even though he has admitted that he still loves her,
that he won't be with her.
Whether it is because he likes his new life, girlfriend,
or the family that he has up there more, she doesn't know.
But what is strange is that she knows (because he still tells you and acts like it),
that in cares for you, and yet for whatever reason he won't be with you.
If it was a romance novel, they would have ended up together no matter what.

In a romance novel,
the one that you would have ended up with would have made you happy.
You wouldn't be with someone that you weren't sure about.
Even though this person says that they love you and wants to be with you,
you seem to be making yourself be with this person.
They are just not the person that you are longing for or dreaming about.
Its not that this person is treating you horribly,
they are just not what you are used to.
You were used to being treated like a princess,
whatever you wanted would have been brought.
You got used to having attention paid to you when you wanted it.
You were used to being complimented and someone being affectionate towards you.
Instead now you are trying to get used to being ignored,
and only being told something that is a complaint.
Now you also have to basically beg for attention.
Why can't life be more like a romance novel?
Instead of when the guy and girl see each other after a while of being apart,
they hug and kiss, and can't get enough of each other,
but they don't end up together at the end of the story.

"How We've All Been Doing Since You Broke Our Hearts"

the title is a line from a song sung by SheDaisy titled "Lucky For You, Tonight I'm Just Me"
well since i last wrote in here, not that much has been going on that is interesting and worth writing in here. HE called on thursday night, and we didnt talk for very long he said that he was in the middle of playing this computer game that he has always been into, and he asked how everything was. i said fine, and i guess i didnt seem very social either, but i was still upset from the last conversations that we had. and he apologized for them, but that didnt really make me feel better. because it was just another thing that knocked over the head how he really felt. but then he said that he had just said all of that because he was freaking out, and that he didnt mean any of it. but i know that he meant some of it. he also said that he wasnt freaking out about the whole me being pregnant thing, because of how slim of a chance that it was because of all the factors. i am not really concerned with it either, because it would be something that would bring me and him together in one way or another, being that he had said that he wouldnt want to give up rights, and i know that nothing is going to happen to bring us together, maybe it is just my negative outlook who knows. i just dont feel pregnant, and i really dont think that i am. so anyway at the end of our fairly short conversation he said that he would call me tomorrow which would have been friday, and i said okay. and today is saturday and i havent heard from him, which i think is good i need to start distancing myself from him. this constant contact with him is making it worse i think. for example during the short conversation that we had on thursday he for some reason felt the need to tell me about the dishes and silverware that he had just bought for the new apartment that he will be moving into with his brother. like i wanted to know about that. in approx 2 weeks i should know for 100% if i am or not, and once i find out that i am not i am going to start trying to distance myself, cause i really do feel like i am torturing myself. well on other subjects, i went to my second therapist appt on weds, and it went well, we talked mostly about my husband who i was seperated from for two years and have just recently started living with again, notice i said living with not back together with, cause we are having our major issues. so we mostly discussed that, and she taught me a breathing technique for relieving stress. so i am going to start trying to do that. it is pretty easy. just put your feet flat on the floor, breath in as deep into ur stomach as you can get it, and hold it for 5 seconds, and then release it slowly through pursed lips for 7 seconds, i have been slacking off on it and not really doing it, i need to start it again. and on the health front, tomorrow morning is my last antiboitic bill and i really hope that this is it. i have been on and off antibiotics for around a month and a half and the past 2 times (this is the third medicine) it has come back once the biotics have been finished. so i really hope that doesnt happen this time.

"I Don't Just Lay Awake At Night Asking God To Get You Off My Mind"

or do I? i had such a strange dream last night that it was disturbing. i dont remember all the details anymore of course because they fade, but when i woke up it was so vivid. and the stranger thing about it is that lately (probably in the past at least 3 months) i havent been remembering any of the dreams that i have been having. this dream was about HIM of course, and somehow he came knocking on my door, and i answered it, and he was there. and he said that he wanted me back. and i agreed, but said that he would have to hide for awhile because i didnt want my husband to know. and he said well why dont you kick him out and have me live here, and we can be together here instead of looking for another place. and i said because the rent here is too much for us to both afford together. so then he said well we will talk to the landlord then, and ask them to lower the rent, and if they dont want to then they will just have to kick us out, and we can find another place. and then i remember my relatives sitting on the couch in this mobile home which is where i guess i was living then, and them telling him that they really dont want me to be with him, because they want me to be more taken care of then that, and not to have to be so tight with everything. and another thing that i remember in the dream was his truck that he had and still has sitting out front of the mobile home while all this was going on. have i been trying not to think about him so much that my subconcious is pushing him into my dreams? how weird.

Lines from my #2 favorite song

This from I May Hate Myself In The Morning sung by Lee Ann Womack

"Ain't it just like on of us to pick up the phone and call after a couple of drinks,
and say hey how you been i was wondering if maybe you been thinking about me."

"And somewhere in the conversation, an old familiar invitation always arrives,
and i may hate myself in the morning but i'm going to love you tonight."

"Everyones known someone that they can't help but want,
and even thought we just cant seem to make it work out the want to lingers on."

"So once again we wind up in each others arms pretending that its right,
and i may hate myself in the morning but i'm gonna love you tonight."

"I know its wrong, but it aint easy moving on, so why cant two friends remember the good times once again?"

"Tomorrow when i wake up i'll be feeling a little guilty, a little sad,
thinking how it used to be before everything went bad."

"But i guess thats the way it is"

Whatever

HE had called me last night, he said just to check on how i was feeling. i said that i was okay, and we just casually chatted for a few minutes, and then he said that he was going to sleep and i said that i was too, and then we hung up. but then at 6:30am this morning, he texted me on my phone from his computer and said i have to admit i am worried about this whole u might be pregnant think :( so i texted him back in 3 different texts you shouldnt be worried it is just a slight chance, see i knew i shouldnt have told you, and its okay i just told you to tell you, you dont have to have any responsiblities. so he didnt respond, and instead calls me at about 5:30pm and said that he had read my texts and what did i mean by that. so i said that if i was that he didnt have to have any responsiblities and that he could sign away his rights. so he said something like that was crazy, he wouldnt do that, but then in the next breathe he said something about me always being opposed to abortion. and then he was saying something like oh if i was his life would be ruined, so i said that mine would be too, and that i would be homeless and everything else. then he just kept carrying on and on so much and stressing me out that i was like i have to go, call me back after 8pm when the kids go to bed so that we can talk more if you want. so i talked to him again at like 8:30 pm and he first he blamed me saying that i should have looked into any medications that the doc gives me further and that the doctor was a moron. and then he also said that i shouldnt have taken advantage of him when he was so drunk, and that he never would have done it if he hadnt been so drunk. he also said that this was going to ruin his relationship with her, and that he was going to have to tell her (if i was) and then she was going to break up with him. and that this was going to cause him to lose her, and then he was said something that really upset me, he said that if i wasnt pregnant that he was going to ask her to marry him, because all of this was making him realize how much he really loved her. so then i said oh yeah i could really tell that you loved her that night. and so he said that it was because he was drunk and it was me. so i said well did you ever cheat on me when you were drunk and he said no, but that he cheated on her he guessed because of who i was, or something like that. and then he was going on and on about how it was a mistake and he regrets it so much this was gods way of punishing him, and all sorts of things like that. and then he asked why i didnt regret it and i said evidentally which is true i dont feel the same way about my significant other as he does his whatever she is. and then he said that he didnt really mean that, he was just freaking out. and he was sorry that he said it. so when he saw that i was getting upset he said oh i didnt mean to upset you i am sorry that i was reacting the way that i did. and i you know i love you right? it is just that i like it so much here, and i dont want to lose this. so whatever. earlier in the conversation he had said that he would never let me homeless, and that he would take care of that, and that i could move to georgia or some other state, so then i said why so that you can see the kid every other weekend or something. what is the point in that. and i dont want you to change your mind or anything regarding any of ur decisions just because of this. so then at the end of the conversation he was calmer about it, because i again impressed on him that there was only a slight chance because a) it says it may decrease the birth control, b)i was still taking my birth control the whole time and c) i did have my period at that time also. so that is what i said to him. so i said wow from the way that you were really freaking out, you must really love her huh? and he was said something like i just dont know or something like that. whatever to that. so anyway, he had said that he was going to call me tomorrow and then i said that i had doc appts, which is true, so i told him to call me on thurs and he said that he would. i have given up on him being with me, i really hope that i am not pregnant that would be horrible. it is so obvious that he never wants to be with me again, i dont want this to make him do something that he didnt want to do before. and also he was apparently diagnosed with high blood pressure, and because of that they told him to cut down on his drinking, so he was ranting and raving (in the beginning) about how his blood pressure was probably through the roof and now he couldnt drink like he usually did when he was stressed. i really dont want to be, i really really dont, i had those xrays done (even though i just read on several websites that if you are pregnant and dont know it an have them done, that it isnt good, but that there isnt that much of a chance that something could happen), and also there is all the medication that i am on. and then there is of course the other major factor that HE took a while to understand earlier, he asked me whether i wanted to be pregnant, so of course i said no, and he asked why because i had always said that i wanted a third child, so i said that was correct that i did, but not like this. i said that i wanted to be pregnant when i had a man that i was in a relationship with to stand by me, not be in another state and not be in a relationship with me, and have the child be from the one last fling that we had. i think he understood that, who knows. all of this is definetly knocking me over the head with the fact that HE DOESNT EVER WANT TO BE WITH ME. now i have to keep moving on from that, no matter what happens with this whole thing.

Getting Weirder and Weirder

okay, today was definetly a very weird day. HE called tonight, he said to check on how i was doing, and we were just talking. and somehow i was in a really weird mood (i blamed it on the drugs that i am on) and he was drunk so it made for an interesting conversation. and he said that he had been diagnosed with high blood pressure and that because of that he is cutting down his drinking to only on the weekends, and that he was looking for ways to relieve his pressure. so i said that he could screw his girlfriend, and then we just had this weird conversation. about how our sex was good that we had just had. and then he was trying to get me horny (i guess) by talking about what he was wearing (underwear). and then he said that he had to go and would call me right back. so he calls me back and we continued talking, and that he was saying that i was going to marry this great guy and that i needed to find someone blah, blah. so i said that even though i was financially okay right now, it didnt make me happy. and he was telling me something about him moving in his new apartment on i think it was the 17th, and that it was a 2/2 and that it had a fireplace and everything. he seemed really happy about it. i told him about what i was worried about with the birth control and the antibiotic but he didnt seem worried. he said that we had been through this before, and that i hadnt been, which is true. so then i also reminded him that i had also been once, and that i had lost the baby. and he said that he remembers, that he doesnt like to think about it, because it still hurts or something like that. so then that was that, he said he had to go and was going to get to sleep. then not even a minute later he calls back and said that he just wanted to make sure that i was going to fall asleep thinking about him, then he said just joking, i actually wanted to make a suggestion on how to fall asleep if your back is still hurting you. so then he said that, and i said you still love me, you still love me in like a teasing voice. and he was like alright i'm hanging up now, i said okay thats alright i know how you really feel even though for some reason that isnt what you choose, i respect your decision, or something like that. and i left it at that. and we said goodbye and he said i'll talk to you later. and that was that. weird stuff. i am getting better though, this isnt bothering me as much anymore, i still dont like thinking of his new whatever she is, that still bugs me how he slept with her within 5 days of everything, but that is really the only thing that bothers me now. he is done with me, and has made his decisions, now i have to start living my life. i am done with him in that way. and i have to start living for me, and living that way.

i also had more male attention than usual today. my daughter's father was trying to be all over me today, but that is nothing new. what was weird was that this waiter at this restaurant that i go to sometimes with my daughter's father had me on the side cause he was helping me with something and he said you know i just want to let you know you get more beautiful everytime that i see you. and i didnt know what to say, so i just said thank you. and then he said i'll bet he never tells you that. meaning her father. so i said no, which is true, he is always trying to get some from me, but he never says anything flattering about me. he just says what he thinks is wrong with me, or what i shouldnt do. so again he said well you are a very beautiful women, and i will have to talk to him about telling you that more often. very weird. gee maybe i should dye my hair more lighter colors and do my nails with acrylics more often. weird.

My New Favorite Song----Quotes from it

my new favorite song is by Brooks and Dunn "It's Getting Better All The Time"

"I just don't lay awake at night asking god to get you off my mind,
it's getting better all the time."

"i got to work on time this morning, this old job is all that i got left.
and no one even noticed that i'd been crying,
but at least i dont have whiskey on my breath."

"i think i'm gonna make it, cause dont make a mountain i cant climb"

"god i hope your happy, i wish you well, i just might get over you, you cant ever tell."

"i always thought that i'd do something crazy, if i ever saw you out with someone else."

"i could have said a million things, but all i did was keep it locked inside."

Yet Another Fun Day

well today was yet another fun day in the life of me. i took my car to the mechanics today, and it was there almost all day, so i was basically stuck and didnt get that much done. but i had to be out all day, because i had no way of getting home, because the mechanics is far from my home. it was okay, i guess i am just hoping that i dont have to bring it there again for a while (knock on wood). HE called me today, for just a minute or two, he said that he was on his way to work, but that he wanted to see if i was feeling any better from the accident. so i said that i wasnt feeling that much better, and he tried to offer me a pointer or two on how to feel better, not that i want his advice. so i just yeah, yeahed him and then he said that he had to go because he was at work, and that he would talk to me later. so i said that i appreciated him calling to check on me, and he said well if i dont who will. and then he said bye. and you know what? it isnt quite hurting as much as it used to, maybe i am doing better with getting over this. in about 3 weeks i will really feel better i am sure, if i am not pregnant cause that would cause way to many problems. i didnt tell him that it was something that could have happened either, because i dont want him flipping out on me and bothering me and stressing if there is nothing. so i am just going on a wait and see. i really dont think that i am though, with my son i almost immediately just knew someh0w that i was, now i dont. so that is good. tomorrow should be yet another fun day, grocery shopping. laundry. ah, more fun in my life. i need to go out and have some fun. last weekend me going out wasnt really that much fun, it was more confusing then anything. it was definetly the strangest friday the 13th i have had.

Your New Life

You say that you can't be in a relationship with me again,
and that you have a new life.
Is the new life that you have worth what is lost?
I really hope that it is,
and i wonder if you think about all that you are missing.
The lives that you have changed because of the decisions that you have made.
Are you happy now my love?
I hope that you are.
How can you just walk away from us?
The plans, the dreams, the hopes.
Now I just exist, an empty shell,
trying to get by from day to day.
You say that you want me to be happy,
and that I will find someone new.
But when you are told that I would be happy with you,
you say again that you have a new life and a new start.
But your new start doesn't include me.
You always said that if we split up,
that I would miss you.
You were right, I miss you and what we had.
You said when you left, that you would come back.
You didn't come back, you lied to me.
And that is something that I will never forget.
Now I have to try to deal with all of this and the
aftermath of what was left behind.

----le finir----

? que' es su opinar?

Things I Have Learned Lately

1. You can't always get what you want.

2. If you can't have the one that you love, love the one your with.

3. The grass aint always greener on the other side.

4. Better to have loved and lost, then never to have loved at all.

5. You dont know what you have until its gone.

6. I may hate myself in the morning, but i'm gonna love you tonight.

Getting Over It--Poem

You have to try to reach a point, in your life,
when you have to try to deal with it.
You need to handle your life and the things that are wrong with your life,
even though it may seem impossible at times.
It may seem like just when everything may be getting better,
something happens that brings you down.
And you try to do everything possible to make yourself happy,
but you are unable to.
I suppose that this is part of life, always overcoming hurdles,
but it seems easier for some than others.
You see people whose lives seem so much easier than yours,
and you wonder is the grass really greener on the other side?
But i guess that is another thing that you have to try to get over.
There are probably regrets that you have,
of things that you think that you shouldnt have done.
But i suppose that everything in life is a learning experience,
what you learn from it is the important thing.
Because, you have to realize your mistakes,
learn from them, and then start to move on.
You can't keep being stuck on the same issues, problems, or regrets.
That, i suppose, is something that you also have to learn how to do.

----le finir----

? que' es su opinar?

The Art of Confusion

the last time that i posted anything, i had posted that he hadnt called me like he had said that he was going to. well he called me probably like 10 minutes after i posted that, and said that he was in town, (mind you he lives in another state, so that was startling), and asked what i was doing and said that he would like to meet me. so i said okay, and i met him outside a bar, where we were supposed to go inside and hang out with his family and friends that were already there. instead as soon as he saw me outside, he picked me up hugged me and was swinging me around, and then he started french kissing me, and then all the sudden he stopped. so he said sorry, so i of course said dont be sorry, i was just wishing that you would do it again, so we kissed for like 10 minutes straight. so then he called everyone in the bar that was with him, and told them that we werent going inside, and that we would meet him at home. so then we went somewhere to talk, and he was explaining how he loved me a lot, but that he had a chance for a fresh start there and had a new life there, and that he couldnt be with me again. so i accepted that, i suppose, because that is what he was always saying. so then we were kind of hugging, and then we somehow started kissing again, and one thing led to another, and he asked if i would be his for tonight, and i said yes. and we were, then we stopped cause i had to go the bathroom, and i think that he started to feel guilty because he was like this is wrong, she (the other girl he is with) loves me, so i asked if he loved her, and he said yes. and he said that he loved both of us. so i was like whatever if you dont want to thats fine, and then we started talking again, and then somehow we started again. and he was like this is the last time, this is goodbye. blah, blah. so that was it. it was good though. and so i brought him back home, and right before he got out of the car, we said i love you to each other, and he confirmed with me that it was it his final decision. that was friday, he called me briefly on saturday, and then all day sunday we played phone tag, and then i talked to him monday, and he said yeah the other night was cool, and we both agreed that it was good. and then he asked if i was up to date on my birth control, and i said that i should be okay, but the only thing is that i dont know that. and then he said that he was going to talk to me on tuesday. because yes i am on birth control but one of the medications that i am taking u are supposed to use something else with it because it can decrease the effectiveness of it, and we didnt. so i hope that i am not, cause that would cause such major problems that it wouldnt funny. and the other thing now is that i had a car accident yesterday, i was stopped at a stop sign and someone smashed into the back of me going at least 30, and my back hurt so i went to the hospital. and i had to have some xrays done which if i was pregnant wouldnt be good for the baby. you arent supposed to have xrays done if you are pregnant, so i really hope that i am not. he never called me on tuesday, so i just called him and asked him if he still had the spare key to my car, because i had to have work done on my car because of the car accident. and we talked for a few minutes. i asked him and he said that he isnt feeling guilty or having any regrets about what happened the other night, because he said that he had left it on such bad terms, that this was better. so i asked him again, because i said that being that his situation was different than mine, if he had any regrets and he said no again. so that is good. for him i guess. he also said that him and his brother have found an apartment just for them and that it is close to his job and they are going to moving into it soon. so that is that, that is the final. and he said that he would call me later in the week. (i think) (or he said that he would talk to me later in the week, i dont remember anymore) not that he had ever left me with any impression that it was going to be any different, or that he was going to change his mind, but i guess it was just wishful thinking on my part. oh well. there goes that. i really hope that i am not pregnant for the major reason that it would be very bad because he has his own life and there seems to be no way that he is coming back to me, thats not an option and i have to get out of my head that it is, so if i was pregnant either i wouldnt tell him, cause i dont want him to seem like he is pressured into being with me, or if i did tell him, it would just be to tell him, because i dont expect anything out of him or want anything out of him, because i take responsibility for this. its my fault for not realizing that the pills had interactions. dont even know if i would tell him. and if i was pregnant that would ruin the life that i have right now, because i would have a lot of major decisions and problems that would come about then. and to make matters worse i had the xrays done, so i dont know if the baby would even be okay. and i wont know if i am pregnant for about another 4 weeks. aaaaggggghhhhh!

The Past-Poem

The Past

There are times in your life,
where you can't help thinking about the past.
You try to see the future,
but you can't think through what has happened.
You may think that you are starting to get over it,
but then something may happen that may make you remember again.
But maybe the problem is,
you only remember the good times and everything that you shared.
You don't remember the bad times,
or what caused the problems that you had.
You try to remember all the bad things that have occured,
and the reasons why what was said, was said.
But somehow it is all forgotten,
and the only thing that you remember is the good.
You try really hard to remember the bad,
because maybe that will ease the feelings that you have.

Then, just for one time, you get the one thing that
you have been missing and wanting.
You get that person back, just for this one night,
for a brief time.
So what should you do during that time?
You don't spend that time talking about the future,
because you have both established that there will not be one for both of you.
So you talk some about the past, and that person asks if you will be theirs,
just for tonight.
Of course you agree, because you would be stupid to decline what it is you have
been wanting,
even if you know it will be just for a short time.
But you make sure that there will be no regrets from the person who asked you that.
That is agreed upon, and the night continues.
But even though you probably won't have any regrets,
you know that afterward it will set you back in getting over this person.
Because during that night, when you were just each others,
without any other thoughts or concerns,
you are reminded of everything that you have lost and can't have back.
The hard part is that before all this happened,
you had come to terms with that.
Now you have to work on doing that again.

So now you have to go through the whole process again,
of trying to get over it,
the regrets, the pain, the heartache, and the rejection of knowing that,
in the end, someone or something was choosen over you and your love.
All this night proves is that all the feelings that he claimed that he had for you do exist,
and yet the confusing thing is that, beyond this night,
he won't honor those feelings.
Instead he would rather just end it now, again,
stating that this is the last time,
and that he has made his final decision.
So now that is something, again,
that you have to accept and move on with.
And you just hope that this time it doesn't hurt as much,
or take as long as it did last time to get over it.

----le finir----

Interesting Developments

Well he called me monday night at like 10:30 pm and of course i already had my phone turned off. and the message that he left was so weird it was just call me. so i was like okay, and i called him back the next day (tues) at like noon. and asked him what was up. so he said that he couldnt really talk right then cause he was at work, but that he wanted to let me know that he wouldnt be able to talk to me that night because he was doing some dinner thing with his family cause of this issue that they are having, and that he wouldnt be able to talk to me that night. so i said fine, you can call me on friday then. so he said okay. but then at like 8pm, he called me and we talked for a few minutes, then i said that i had to go, and he said okay. then not even 5 minutes later he called me back again, wanting to talk. so i said whats up, and he said nothing, what are you doing. so i said wow, you really must miss me huh. and he didnt answer me. so i said that i was busy and he said well let me let you go, i dont want to disturb u, so i said oh u could never disturb me. and he said oh how sweet. and then i said okay i'll call u tomorrow instead of you calling me like you said that you would. so i called him that day (weds) and he was at work, so he said he would call me later that night, so i said dont bother i have docs appts weds, and thurs, i said call me friday night, which is tonight. and he hasnt called yet, but i really dont care anymore. he probably got drunk or whatever, who knows.

as for my health, i am getting more and more frustrated with it. i went back to the doctor because i am still not getting better, and she didnt do anything for me right now. she just is running a test and sending to the lab, and said that i will have to wait a couple of days for the results before we see what the next steps are. so now i have to wait with all these symptoms, ugh. so now i have to just wait and see.

The End---Poem

this is a work in progress.....it still hasnt been edited and checked over.....

The End

When the end is final,
it seems so lonely.
Like you have no one to talk to,
and no one wants to hear you.
Alone, all alone,
feeling like no one loves you.
And you wonder if it is even worth it,
for you to keep existing.
You start to search for the meaning,
and the reason for living.
And you wonder why you are unable to find it.
Because there is just a horrible feeling,
once you lose something that you once had and
took for granted.
It is hard to explain,
it is such a devastating feeling.
That is the feeling that you must cope with,
along with regretting the decisions that you have made.
But there comes a time of acceptance,
when you understand that there is nothing that you
can do to change what is done.
And that this is your life,
and you need to accept it.
There is no point in fighting what is,
because it wont help.
What you can do is embrace what it is you have,
and appreciate all that things that you have around you.
Because if there is one thing that should be learned from this,
its that you dont know what you had until its gone.,
And that can be a very painful lesson to learn.

Conversation Postponed (Supposedly)

well HE called on time as promised (i was very suprised that he called so early, i was expecting him to call later in the night) and he said that he knew that we were supposed to be having our conversation tonight, but he asked if we could postpone because he was having a sort of family crisis at the moment with his family, and i said that was fine. and then he said (i didnt ask) that the family crisis was that his mom and his stepfather were going to be getting seperated (or divorced i cant remember) but anyway, he said that they were all talking about it, so he was wondering if he could call me on another day in the week. so i said okay, either on a tuesday or friday, and he said okay, so lets see what happens. watch him come up with another excuse then. who knows. i am pretty certain that i know what the conversation is going to be, so i guess that it doesnt matter how much he postpones it or if we ever have it, because either way i am am pretty sure that it is going to be him not getting into a relationship with me again. like he already said. so what is the point in even having the conversation anyway? probably none.

and now, to make things even better i feel like, in addition that what is already wrong with me, that i might be getting like a virus or something cause i am feeling even worse then i was feeling before. so that is just great. i wonder what his mom and stepfather getting seperated or whatever will mean to me, in relations to a possible relationship with him, probably nothing, cause he already made how he felt abduntly clear. now even more he probably wouldnt want to leave, because now his mom wont have his stepdad. whatever. i wish that me and him had been able to have that conversation today and get it over with, but now i am going to be thinking about it. at least if we had the conversation i would have been able to get it out of my head. and work on getting him out of my head, cause i am sure thats where the conversation would have went. well, again, we will see what happens on tuesday or friday. if anything.

Getting Better All The Time

well my mood definetly seems to be improving daily, i am not snapping as much at my children, i dont yell as much about anything, and i dont get upset as easily. things just dont upset me or easily depress me like they used too. so that is good. the real test for me came today when i had to go back to the doctors due to a health issue that i had that i thought had went away that came back. it is unfortunately very annoying and is painful. sure enough the doctor said that i had it again, and gave me medication to take that should make it go away. about two weeks ago, i would have gotten so depressed that this had came back, and that i wasnt feeling well again. but instead i took it very calmly, got the medication at the pharmacy and have been starting to take it and have been working on doing what i have to do to get better soon (hopefully). i also have been taking the time to care more about myself, my appearance, and have also been doing things a lot more with my kids. i bought my daughter an easy bake oven for christmas and she hadnt gotten to use it yet, so i opened it today with her and we started baking a three layer cake. (which is very time consuming using this thing). so we completed baking the cake (i even let her stay up a 1/2 hour later then her bedtime to make it) and now we will frost it tomorrow, and eat it of course. my son i talked to a lot today, for being a two year old (he will be three in a few months) he has a lot to say if he knows that you want to listen to him. so me and him had a lot of interesting conversations today. as for the medicine and how well it is working, i am sure that the ultimate test will be tomorrow when HE is supposed to call me, and when i have to hear the same stupid excuses again about why he doesnt want to get in a relationship with me again. but i think that i am just going to tell him, if he starts carrying on about it, and upsetting me, that if he has made his mind up that is it, i already told him everything that i had to tell him and i made all my points to him, and that if this is his final decision then there is nothing left to say. and there will never be any going back no matter what. i really dont want to drag this along anymore then it already has been, if this isnt what he wants, which it definetly doesnt seem like it is, then i need to start moving on. i am also supposed to be seeing a therapist next week in the mid of the week, i got the whole babysitting thing straightened out, so that is good. i wouldnt say that i am looking forward to it, because i am sure that it will just bring up old memories, that i have been trying to forget, but at least it will be making me on my way to hopefully going back to normal.

Love---Poem

This is a work in progress.....poem.....

What is love exactly?
I used to think that love was an emotion, a feeling,
but now I think that it is more than that.
Love can be physical too,
because it can hurt you deep inside.

Love is more than emotion,
it can be pain and agony,
for example knowing that the one you love wont be with you.
For whatever reasons.
Or when the one that you love leaves you,
it can be the agony that follows when you realize
that they are never coming back to you.

Love is can also be an emotion,
like the happiness that you feel when the one
that you love says that they love you too.
Or the joy that you can feel when you say i do
to the one that you know that you want to spend
the rest of your life with.

But then it can be a very sorrowful emotion,
when that relationship doesnt work.
And the misery of knowing that you have
failed at something.
You might also feel sadness at knowing that
you may not ever have that person again
or that happiness again.

............Work in progress, will add more and edit it soon...................

I Was Right

well i was right about him not wanting to get back into a relationship with me. i was actually brave enough that i told him how i felt, first i asked if he was still with the girl that he had been with and he said yes, and i asked if he was happy, and i could tell the way that he answered me that he wasnt. so then i told him that because he never came back i never told him that i wanted us to not be on hiatus/apart whatever, and that i loved him and realized that i did truly want to be with him. and he was like oh i feel so bad that you didnt get to tell me. and then he said and i love you too, i think about you every day, we had such a good relationship, i will always love you, and there will never be anyone better than you. so then i said well come back to me, i want to be with you still. and after getting my hopes up by saying all that instead he says, oh i cant come back to florida. so i asked him why and he wouldnt tell me, he said that he couldnt think of a reason. so then through the rest of the conversation he spent that time trying to convince me on how i could get better than him, and how he was an alcholic and he had so many problems, and he didnt have any money, and how he didnt deserve me. and i tried to convince him that i didnt care about money, that i loved him and all i wanted was to be with him. so finally after about 45 minutes of going back and forth, unfortunately with me crying and blowing my nose the whole time (i had told myself i was going to do that, but i couldnt help it), he said oh i am drunk and i have to go pass out, and you put a lot on my plate and gave me a lot to think about, and i have to go. so then he said i will call you soon, and we hung up. so when we hung up i had a really good cry (i think for like at least an hour to an hour and a half) and then i thought to myself that there were so many things that he had said that i could have said something too, because they werent true or whatever. so i emailed him the next morning (which was on weds) and told him like that he didnt have to come to florida, that we could go anywhere (even where he is because i really dont care about where i am anymore), that i was sorry that i had laid that all on him at once, but that i did because that was the way that i felt, and that i hoped that he was really thinking about what i had said. so he then emailed me back an email and it basically said that he does have a lot to think about, but that one thing that he knows for certain is that he cares about me and my kids, but he could never go back into a relationship with me, and the major reason that he gave was that he isnt ready for the responsiblities of raising kids, and the major reason that he gave for that was that he drank too much, and that it made him harsher then he should be. and then of course he carries on with you will find someone else better blah, blah, blah. so i emailed him back (by now this was on thursday morn) and i said that i didnt know what he was thinking about, because obviously he had already made his mind up, and that i wasnt asking him to raise my kids, there fathers and myself were able to do that. i also put in there that his drinking never was a problem, unless of course he is drinking more which would probably mean that he is unhappy. i also wrote that i couldnt understand why he would say that he loved me and then say that he cant be with me, the way that i felt for him, if he called me and said that he wanted to be with me, i would do everything to be with him. but i guess for some reason that he doesnt feel that way. so at the end of my email i put that i wasnt going to discuss/argue it with him anymore, and that if that was his final decision then that was it, there was no going back, and that he had to let me know when it was final, and that i was hoping that he would consider all the information that i had just said. so he answered me back a very short email and said that this was something that was best not discussed on the internet and that he would call me on sunday. and added on the bottom was i'm sorry if i hurt you, i never meant to. so that was that. on sunday i am pretty sure that he is going to say the same lines that he said before. i have resigned myself now to the fact that i am never going to be with him again. now i just have to start trying to move on.

on a different note, i also went to the doctor on wednesday and got medication to help me with my mental issues that i have apparently had and have gotten worse because of everything that has happened in the past two months. she also recommended that i see a counselor which is something that i am working on getting situated now, due to having kids and no one to watch them. i actually made an appt for next week but have no one to watch my kids, and i had to ask my mom if she could help. she said that she would let me know in a day or two. i really hope that she will. i need to do this. well, anyway the meds the first day didnt seem to do nothing except make me very drowsy, but today my second day i was a lot more awake and active, and i also saw my mood get better. maybe my mood is also getting better because i finally feel like the above situation is done. he is never coming back, and that is that, there is nothing that i can do about it now, so there is no point in getting upset about it. i think the medication is majorly helping also though.

I am so nervous

I am so incredibly nervous right now, i am supposed to be calling the ONE, (who left me, sort of, i am sure in his view that he didnt), in about an hour and a half and i am going to talk to him. my plans are just to get everything out in the open (how i felt, how i still feel) and see what he says. i am sure that the response that i am going to get is going to one of him basically nicely blowing off what i tell him, and i cant totally blame him because he has another life now, one that doesnt include me. his life has is in another state fairly far away (about a 12 hour drive). he now has his car in that state, a job in that state, and as of a month ago (when he told me, i didnt want to ask again) someone that he was starting to get slowly involved with (his words). so where does that leave me? when i tell him everything, he is probably going to be like yeah right, like i am going to leave the life that i have been building/am still building for myself, and my plans that i have for my future here to be with you. no, i dont think that is going to happen. so why you may ask, am i going to tell him how i feel? i really dont know to be honest with you, but everyone has been telling me that to get over this i need to tell him how i feel, and that once i do that, if his reaction is the reaction that i am looking for, then i of course would be getting what i want. and (this is what i think is going to happen and what i am afraid of) if his reaction is bad, then i will probably even be more upset then i am now, but i wont be dealing with the what ifs. and they said that once that is out of the way, that i will be able to get over this. but i dont know, i am afraid that if he is reaction is bad (to me) then i will feel even more upset then i do now. that is what i am really afraid of. i thought when all this happened to me over 2 months ago (to be exact it was losing my home (stupid hurricane), all my belongings in the home, my dog, and my boyfriend leaving me, i thought that i would be having an easier time coping with it by now. but i am not, i actually am worse at times. then there are those people in my life that say i should be over it by now, and that they are sick of hearing about it. and then there are the other people that say that they understand why i am still upset about it, because of everything that i have went through at once, and so suddenly and unexpected. (maybe in their heads they are thinking that i need to get over it, but they are just to nice to tell me that, who knows). what i do know is that my life has changed so dramatically, that i am not the same person that i was 2 months ago, i am so different. i am like a shell of that person. i talk, walk, and basically function, but i am just not the same anymore. i even look different, probably because of all the stress. well i am going to start getting everything ready in the house so that when it is time for me to call him, i wont have anything to think about except how the heck i am going to word what i am going to say, and preparing for the hopefully not coming rejection. i think that i am going to start by asking him if he wondered why when he told me that he for sure wasnt coming back to me, that i started to cry and yell at him. i want to see what is response is do that first. i am also probably going to ask him if he is doing well with the new person, because if he is doing really good then why am i even going to bother telling him how i feel?

The Day After New Years

Okay, so i got drunk last night (like really drunk because i dont normally drink, so for me to have almost a full bottle of wine by myself is me getting really drunk) and i called the person who helped me have all this misery. Because I wanted to come clean with him and tell him that i am miserable (he doesnt know he thinks that everything is fine, because that is what i always made him think) and tell him why I am miserable. I was all ready to tell him that i am miserable because when he had told me that he wasnt coming back, i was ready to beg him to come back to me, and that i loved him so much and i didnt want to have him stay away. but i didnt do any of that. see what happened that caused all this, was i wasnt happy with my life (and with him at times) so i told him that i wanted a break. (we called it a hiatus, like basically that we were seperated but we were still living together, but just as friends, or whatever you get the picture). so that is how we were when he left on a vacation that had planned for a couple of months in october. but before we left we kissed and hugged and told each other that we loved each other, and he promised me that he would be back. well, while he was gone, the hurricane came, and we lost our home, and the building got condemned and all our belongings got destroyed. i called him up and told him all of this, and asked him what he was going to do, and asked him when he was coming back. for a week i called him or he called me, and everytime i asked him what he was doing and when he was coming back. and he would never answer me. so then finally at the end of that week, i called him up and forced him to stop being a baby and tell me if he was coming back. so he told me that he had transferred his job up there, and that he wasnt planning on coming back. and i was so upset, i started crying and yelling at him at the same time. and he kept trying to talk to me, and then he finally said why do you want me to come back? so i said to him what difference would it make, would it change his mind? and he wouldnt answer me, he just told me to stop playing games with him. so i didnt say anything, because i wasnt going to plead if it wasnt going to make any difference. so now he writes me (and i write back of course) and tells me how good he is doing. and i email him back and tell me the good things of how i am, but i dont tell him anything else. i dont tell him how majorly depressed i am, or how much i miss him, or how i think of him constantly. he is even in my dreams. i think that it bothers me even more, because while he was gone before the hurricane, i had made the decision that when he came back that i was going to tell him that i didnt want to be on hiatus with him and that i loved him and wanted to always be with him. but i never had that opportunity. so i guess the morale of that is never to take for granted what you have. so anyway, in response to my drunken call last night he called me back today (he wasnt there last night) and asked me what was up. so i said that i couldnt talk (which i really couldnt) and asked if i could talk to him tomorrow night, and he said okay. i will call him tomorrow night, but what the hell am i going to say? and without being drunk i am probably not going to have the courage to just say everything. i am sure that there is not even any point in telling how i feel and everything, because he has a new life states away from me, and he was (i dont know if he still is) involved with someone, so i am probably just wasting my time. so should i tell him how i feel, and risk getting shot down? or worse getting really bad rejection or my feelings made fun of, so that i get even more upset? that is the decision that i have to make before tomorrow night.