Caught? and Happy Birthday To Me

so yesterday was my birthday, i got four phone calls total, which is pretty sad actually considering the amount of friends and family that i have. it is depressing to me. two of my friends called me, my mother called, and my aunt called. then i called my daughter since she is still in another country, and talked to her, she remembered my birthday and so did my ex (her father). so go figure, my ex husband and my seven year old daughter remembered when other people didnt. hmmm. anyway, i did have a nice birthday friday and saturday (my birthday was actually saturday though) but my boyfriend treated me well. he had already given me my birthday present early, which was a ipod (the one that is $250, i forget how many gig it has), and on friday night he took me to dinner at cheesecake factory and we went to the movies. then on my actual birthday saturday we didnt do that much, but i didnt cook a meal, either he cooked or we went out. (same thing with friday) and he also bought me a new necklace for the pendant with necklace set that he had bought me for christmas, because as much as i love it (it is a gold heart with diamonds) the chain is a little thin so we discussed it and decided that being that i have a habit of breaking chains unintentially of course, that we needed to get a stronger one for it. and he also bought me a nice armoire, i think that is how it is called, it is a jewelry box that stands on its own, and has legs. it is very nice.

on friday, we went to the paralegal, and i finished signing everything and getting everything done. it is supposed to be submitted to the courts this week, she said tuesday, but being that it is new years day, i bet that it will be either weds or thurs. and that is it, that starts the process of the divorce. he is going to get served the papers, and i am sure that he isnt going to agree with what is in the papers, especially being that even though it says that we each have custody it is also saying that he has to pay me over $400 dollars a month, so i am afraid that this is going to be just the beginning of a fight, which i really dont want to go through. but being that the two major things that he is going to fight me for, at least that is what he was making it sounding like, was the being the primary residential parent, and if me and him cant agree him being the deciding factor and making that decision. and for the welfare of frankie, i would have to fight for those myself. i dont want him to screw up frankies life like he screwed up his own, i mean look at where he is at now, he is gping to be 32 years old, and look at his life. ugh, dont get me started. the funny thing is that now that i think about it, what about my boyfriend? yes he has held down a job for about 13 years, and he does have a car that he makes payments on, which is something that frankies dad doesnt have, but other then that, what does he have to show for his life? and he is five years older then frankies dad. but then again, he did serve in the navy for six years, so i guess that is like putting your life on hold right? i dont know. once i gave her all the papers to submit to the courts and it was all down, i just felt so sad. and still am some. because when you get married, at least for me this time anyway, i wanted it to be forever, and i was so in love with him, and then what happened. other then getting my son out of it, i feel that i wasted all these years of my life by being with him. what did i get out of it? except for him making me broke, by taking all my money, and making me miserable. and then never mind that it makes me scared to get married again, which is something that i know that my boyfriend wants, he makes it no secret that he wants that. but who is to say that i dont get married, and then it doesnt work and i have to go through all of this again. and that would be marriage number three. oh my goodness. and i just turned 27 years old. and i am going through my second divorce now. or am going to be starting to go through it anyway. go figure. then like today we had a little disagreement (me and my boyfriend) about basically nothing, and when it is done i have to wonder, and think about marriage and whether i really want to do that. because that makes me even scared even more. i just dont know, even though he said something about not pushing me into it, i know that he really wants it, and he doesnt make it a secret that he does, so then what. what if i never get over my issues to get married again, is he going to be around still, if i dont marry him. and then the fact that right now everything is under him and i have nothing comes into play too, cell phones, cars, you name it, i have nothing of my own right now. so what if he ever left me and i wasnt married to him. i dont know.

then something that didnt help my trust in him occured on friday morning, my boyfriend's nephew vacuumed and cleaned his car out. and his nephew calls me while he is doing this, to ask if an earring that he found in the car is mine. and describes it to me, so i say that i dont think that it is, but to leave it in the car and i will look at it. so my boyfriend brings it in the house and shows it to me, and there is no way that it is mine. so i started asking him questions. but i cant let myself get to much at him about it, because he hasnt had the car vacuumed since he got the car in march (trust me you can tell), and we didnt start being together until june, so i cant really get upset at him about it, but it still got me going, what if he is cheating on me, what if he was, you never know. so that got me going. his reasoning behind it was that from march until now, his mother, his sister, the salesgirl, and also a few girls from work that he gave rides home too were in the car, and it could be any of theirs. so basically what i said to him was that i wasnt going to carry on about it too much at this time, but that if anything like that ever happened again, he was going to be in trouble. so he made a comment about what if he had a good explanation, and i said that it didnt matter, because i have no doubt that any excuse that he came up with would be good, and that i wasnt going to listen to it. i am not going to claim innocence and say that in time that i have been in this relationship with him and living with him that i didnt think of being with anyone else, or come very close to it, but i never actually did. and that means something. and i am of course very happy that i didnt, so that there was no issues with whose baby this is. that would have been serious drama. beginning with me not having a place to stay because i am sure that he would have kicked me out. but luckily that never happened. because i never made it happen, even though i had plenty of opportunities trust me.

i had lunch with my mom today, and she was frustrated with my dad as usual. and somehow it came to me to ask her if she had money if she would still be with my dad, and she said probably not, and that she was pretty sure that she would have left him a long time ago. now dont get me wrong, my dad has a lot of mental problems, and not many people would have stuck with him through them, but that wasnt even the reason that she gave, she said that it would be because being married is supposed to be two people looking out for each other, and my dad never worries about "them" or "her" he only worries about himself. so that really got me going about marriage, if it wasnt for the fact that she cant afford to live on her own at all, not even close, my parents would be divorced, just like a lot of other parents. just like i will be again. and my parents have been married for like almost 30 years i think that it is. wow. i dont know what made me ask that, but i guess that i really already knew the answer that i was going to get. it really makes you think.



btw-------i put up new pictures on my space page if you want to check those out.

Forgot To Mention

my last checkup visit for the pregnancy, which i believe was on the 12th, we got to see the babys heartbeat and also see the baby on ultrasound because when the midwife was trying to hear the babys heartbeat on the doppler, the baby kept moving and the midwife couldnt get it, so we got to see the baby on ultrasound and see the babys heart beating, and while we were watching the baby was doing flips and moving around a lot, it was great. i loved seeing that. and then on the 14th, i went back for a problem visit, you really dont want to know what for, but i got medicine for it, and i finished taking all my medicine so it seems to be gone, at least for right now, but who knows, because it is something that i have been told is very common in pregnancy. but anyway, that time the midwife didnt try to hear the heartbeat i guess because i had just been there. but then i had to go back again on the 17th i think it was because the runny nose sneezing thing i had was getting worse, and that time the doctor that i saw, used the doppler and we got to hear the babys heartbeat on that, which was awesome. he said that what was causing the sneezing and runny nose was viral, and that there was no medicine for it, but two days later i wasnt feeling better, i still had a low grade fever too which i had been running on and off, so i called back the office and talked to the midwife and she called in an antibiotic for me saying that i most likely had a nasal infection, and i just finished taking those, and i am feeling better. not completely 100% back to normal, but at least significantly better then i was. that is for sure, which is a great thing. i also dont think i mentioned before, but i got approved for medicaid, yeah! and so did the kids, we didnt get anything else though. we got denied for food assistance and cash assistance because we make too much money, which i thought was amusing, as compared to who i want to know. so basically we are in the same position with being able to pay our bills and not have any money left over for food or gas for the cars every week, but at least we all got health insurance, especially me because the kids already had some form of health insurance, so that is a load off for me anyway. it does make me feel more relieved at least knowing that i have that. so anyway, just wanted to mention all of that because i didnt think that i had mentioned it before.

Disney Movies, And Other Depressing Things

i went out last night with one of my friends, and we went to dinner and the movies. and we had a really nice time. we watched the disney movie enchanted, which was a good movie dont get me wrong, but like all disney movies it has the ending of happily ever after, where the man and woman fall in love, they end up together at the end of the movie, and they are sooo happy. it doesnt show all the other things, like the man cheating on the woman, or spending all their money on drugs, or anything like that. and the thing about watching these movies, is that they always leave you depressed, because you know that in the real world this just doesnt happen, which is what happened to both me and her after we watched the movie. so at least i know that it wasnt just me either.

i also talking to her (my friend) again about how i had wanted to run, and not wanted to do any of this anymore, i was just sooooo serious, there are just times i want to take my kids, leave it all behind, and just go, i am just so tired of dealing with all the bs from everyone i really am. except my kids, because that is different, they dont bother me. everyone else does, because they are grown adults, and they sooo should know better. so anyway, i mentioned that to her, and she basically said that if i ever felt the need, i could stay with her until i got a grip on myself, which i am sure wouldnt be long, because not that i think that i would want to stay away forever, i just need some time to be myself. i think, maybe that is what it is, i dont know. i really dont.

so i get home after watching this movie, and talking to her, and it is at least 1am if not later, and i go to lay down in bed, and my boyfriend is already in bed sleeping, so sound asleep it isnt even funny, and he is taking up the whole bed, and we have a queen so he was completely sprawled out, and he has all the pillows under him and the blankets all wrapped up under him and on him, and i knew without even trying that he wasnt going to be moving, so i didnt even try to move him or to get into bed, i went to sleep in one of my kids rooms, being that neither of them were there that night. (my son was with his dad, and my daughter is out of the country with her dad, and i miss her so much, and she has only been gone since tuesday morning, so she hassnt even been gone a week yet.) he must have gotten up in the middle of the night to see where i was, and he saw that i was in the other room, but he didnt even bother to move me or anything, just left me right where i was, i think that if it was me, and i saw him like that, i would tried to get him up to come to bed with me. oh well. whatever. i have been weird with him lately. and i know that, i just cant help it, i am just not feeling affectionate towards him that much lately, i dont really know why, maybe with all of the pressure that i feel that i have been under, i am not sure.

then my boyfriend has now caught whatever it is that me and the kids have been fighting it seems, because he left work today with a really high fever, and i had to take him to the emergency room, so that he could get some medication, because he knew that he couldnt see a doctor tomorrow, with it being christmas eve, and he has to work tomorrow, and it is very important that he work tomorrow. so anyway, we went to the emergency room, and i felt so bad for this poor older man there, he reminded me a lot of my grandfather, before he passed. he was probably about the same age, very thin, and he had cancer and was waiting to get seen in the emergency room. and he was in such pain that he was crying, and asking for someone to shoot him just to put him out of the pain. i felt so sorry for him, and i thought of my grandfather too, and how much he must have suffered, and i got soo sad, i started to tear up, and really had to keep myself from crying. poor man.

tomorrow is going to be a busy day for me, i am having christmas over my house, and my parents, my boyfriends parents, my boyfriends nephew (who lives with his parents), and of course me, my boyfriend and my son, are all coming. so that should be interesting by itself, for everyone to be in the same house together, because my parents and his parents alone arent that alike, and my dad isnt a big fan of my boyfriend or his dad. but anyway, tomorrow is going to be a big day for me because i am going to have to grocery shop, being that i havent been able to do that yet, i am going to get started on the cooking, and i have to clean too. well i am going to try to go now so that i can maybe get some sleep.

The Urge To Run

i have had the urge to run lately, just to grab the kids and go. kayla is already out of the country, she went to trinidad with her father, and she is going to be there for three weeks. so i wouldnt even have to grab her, and of course the babyattorney to represent him in the divorce. i dont know what bullcrap story that he told his grandmother about what i am doing, maybe he said that i was trying to get full custody of frankie or something like that, who knows, but that isnt true though. who knows if he is even telling the truth or not about his grandmother giving him that money, knowing his family though, if they had the money, which i believe that she does, i wouldnt doubt it, because they never let him stand on his is inside me at this time. i have frankie half of the week, from weds afternoon to saturday afternoon. but the thing is that if i run i am not coming back. i guess it is because i have been under a lot of stress lately, that is the only reason that i can think of that i have been feeling that way. frankies dad claimed that his grandmother had given him or was going to give him $10,000 towards hiring an own feet, they are always there to bail him out. i remember that he had made a comment to me once when i said that, and he said that i was jealous, but no i am not, my family would always make sure to the best of there ability that i had a place to stay and something to eat, but they wouldnt help me out financially. and that has made me feel good about myself, that i have always stood on my own two feet. anyway, add the fact that he has been stressing me out about this attorney crap, and then add that when i went to my boyfriends parents house (without him) for dinner, because i was invited, me and his mom had a long talk about marriage and about how that was what he really wanted. and blah, blah, blah. the idea of marriage scares the hell out of me, and i wish that someone would really understand that. the quickest way to make me want to turn and take off in the other direction right now is to mention marriage to me.

My Reflections

i am sure that this is going to be a long blog, so i am not saying that it is going to get done today, but i am going to get it started today. i have been thinking back a lot about my past, and a saying that i had heard. they say that people are put in your life for a reason, so that has gotten me thinking. there has been a lot of friends that i have had in my life that have came and gone, and that arent there anymore. i had one friend for part of middle school and the part of high school that i was actually in public school for. and we hung out like constantly, in whatever classes we had together and between classes, she was basically my best friend, but then when i left high school we lost contact, basically because my parents thought she was a bad influence which she wasnt i would say that it was actually her older brother and his best friend that were. then when i started working there was someone i worked with who basically became my best friend, she was a few years older then me, and we were friends for a few years, she was there with me through the end of my teenage years, she was my savior through a lot, and my confidante, if it wasnt for her i probably wouldnt have went anywhere, and she was also there through my marriage to my first husband, what lead up to that, my pregnancy with kayla, the birth of my daughter, and then the end of my marriage with my him. she was also there towards the beginning of my marriage with my second husband and my pregnancy with frankie but not as much, we stopped being really close probably towards the time that i gave birth to my daughter, but we still stayed in touch. i know how to reach her now, and talked to her maybe 6 months to a year ago now, but last time i talked to her she was acting weird, ranting and raving how god was the answer, and that instead of medication an ailment that i had like depression could be solved by faith in god, and that was it, that it was only in your head. so that basically did it for me with her, i havent heard from her or talked to her since. as of right now i have my best friend who i have known since my daughter was probably 5 months old, and we have been through a huge amount together, my daughter is now about 7 years and 5 months old, so that should give you an idea of how long. it sucks that she lives so far away, in another state, but hopefully we live near each other soon. i have other friends right now too, but none as close to me as my best friend, or that i have known the longest. one of my other friends, i have known for maybe 5 and a half years, we havent been through quite as much possible, we havent been close really, just friends and acquintances, and she now lives about 2 hours away, and we also didnt talk for like 2 years or so, because we lost touch when she had some issues. i have another friend who i have known for probably three and a half years, and she is the type of friend who you call each other when there is something going on that the other one is invited to, or when she needs something lately, because not that i dont feel bad for her, because she had a very bad car accident and isnt mobile anymore, but she asks for me to drive her from her place about an hour from me, to another place like a half hour from here, and not that i dont have the time for that, i just dont have the gas money. then i have another friend who we talk every once in a while, and get together occasionally, but we arent really that close then i have another friend that i used to work with at the job that i just left, i have known her from the day that i started that job, which i think would be like a year and nine months ago, and we have been friends pretty much ever since, we have been fairly close for a while, but now that i left the job, things are a little different, i guess because we dont see each other as much anymore. we are supposed to be going out this coming saturday night, but of course if i still keep feeling this bad, then i dont know if that is going to happen.

me lately

me lately is woman who screams and sleeps a lot. the kids have been driving me insane lately, they havent been lisitening to me worth a crap, and especially the big one have such incredible attitudes that it isnt even funny. asking them to do something simple like cleaning their room is cause for a huge argument and me losing my temper with them because of the way that they act. i have been feeling sick since last night, and have of course not felt like going anywhere which is probably another reason for them to be acting like this, is because they are going stir crazy in the house, but still it isnt like they dont have a lot of space to play in, they each have their own rooms. anyway, i have had runny nose, sneezing, headache, and just not feeling good at all. ugh. a good thing is that yesterday i just found out that i got approved for medicaid along with my children, so at least i dont have to worry about medical bills or if something happens how i am going to get medical care without having the cash to pay out for it. i didnt get food stamps or cash assistance they said that we made too much income. and not that i am not grateful for the medical only assistance that i did get, but i was really hoping to get more help then just that. the problem with how they figure things out is that they only count certain bills, and certain debts, and they dont count everything. like they dont count loans or credit cards, and we have to pay them every month, and they add up to a lot a month, which sure if we didnt have to pay them we wouldnt need help with food or anything like that, but unfortunately we have to pay them. but they dont see it that way. i was going to this one place that is associated with children and families, as long as you are pending with food stamps or approved for food stamps they give you two bags of food either every two weeks or month, but now that i was denied for food stamps that stopped too. so except for the medical, which dont get me wrong i am happy that i got, because at least that is a relief of a lot of bills, in the past and future of course, i am in the same boat that i started out with for food and gas for the cars, which is especially important considering that my boyfriend needs to go to work to make money for us to barely squeak by like we are. which is just barely being able to pay all of our bills, and having nothing left over for groceries and gas for the cars at all.

So I Got Frustrated With Him

okay i went to church today with my daughter, who was whining the whole time that she was cold. but other then that she was okay. i hadnt gone to church in a long time, at least a church of my religon too, because the last time that i went to church was of my boyfriends faith, and it wasnt an enjoyable experience at all. so anyway, i had already sort of discussed with my boyfriend the baby being baptised, and i had said something about it being okay with me if the baby was baptised into his religon and not mine, because i didnt really think that hard about it, and i was just thinking as long as the baby gets baptised, but i didnt think about a lot of facts about that decision. so i am thinking that i am going to have to discuss this with my boyfriend as soon as possible, maybe tonight. i am sure that he is going to be upset about this, but the thing about him and getting upset is that it gets me even more annoyed with him usually because instead of arguing with me or fighting with me or anything like that, instead he starts to cry. but i just dont know what else to do, i was baptised catholic and so were the two kids before this one. so what else can i do? i really want the baby baptised catholic. so that is what is going to upset him when i discuss it with him i am sure.

but as for what he frustrated me about today, i talked to him to ask him which account to take money out of for groceries, and he basically said that he didnt know because there was no money for groceries. so i was asking him what happened to the money that he was just telling me that we would have this month for groceries, and he said that was if we sold the old furniture that his parents are storing for us, so i was upset that he was counting money that we didnt have, and then i got even more upset because we had like 65 dollars in the account that we could have used for groceries this week, but instead he had used it at sams club to buy bulk things, which wouldnt have gotten me that upset, but instead of using the money to buy food, he bought things like garbage bags, toilet paper, and paper towels, which wouldnt really be a bad thing, but i would have bought little packages as it was needed, and save that money for groceries. in the end he said that i could take up to a certain amount out of the other account, and that we should be okay if that was done, but i was already frustrated at that point. i did apologize to him afterward because i was more abrupt and annoyed with him then i probably should have been, but i couldnt help it. so i did apologize but i just felt that he didnt make a good decision when he spent that money at sams club. and then two nights ago he came home from work with a case (12) m&m's tins, not even to give out as gifts or anything, but just to fill up in this machine that he has, which is so unnecessary it isnt even funny. and they were 1.99 each, so times 12 is like 24 dollars. that is probably what is irritating me, is that i am questioning what he is spending his money on, and you know what is funny, is i just caught myself saying his money, and even though he is the only one working, shouldnt it be technically our money? i thought so, oh well, i dont know. i am going to go so i can start cooking dinner now.

Not For The Squeamish To Read

okay so i wrote a little while back that i had been diagnosed with a bacterial vaginal infection in the emergency room, which they supposedly diagnosed me with by taking a swab from me and sending it to the lab for testing. and that is what the doctor told me that i had, and gave me a prescription for a medication that was verrrryyyyy expensive that i had to pay for out of pocket at walgreens. i didnt have any symptoms at that time that i thought were strange, and when i looked up the symptoms of that diagnosis, i didnt have any of those symptoms that i could tell. now here is where i am going with this, when you read the normal definition of discharge for early pregnancy, which i still am, because i am in my first trimester still, it says something different then what i have been noticing for the past couple of days. i am not hugely concerned at this point because there is no bleeding or spotting or anything like that, and i also have an appointment with my doctor on wednesday anyway, so i am going to mention to her that i was diagnosed with this a couple of weeks ago, and just want to make sure that it has went away, because i am still having discharge that isnt what is described in pregnancy, and i think that it was the same discharge that i didnt think was weird when they told me that i had this vaginal infection a couple of weeks ago. so okay, i have my appointment with the doctor on wednesday and i am going to mention it to her, and she is going to check me and that is it, sounds simple right? well, my boyfriend is supposed to be going with me to my doctors appointment, and i have always felt weird discussing things and issues that can occur or are occuring down there in front of a guy or to a guy. and i am sure that he will be in there with me the whole time. so that is going to be really awkward for me. and i know that he has been looking forward to going with me, especially with me being diagnosed with the tear in the placenta, i know that he is going to want to know first hand what the doctor has to say about it. and i know that i have to mention something to the doctor, and make sure that everything is okay with it. what i am probably going to do i guess, is remind her that i was diagnosed with that (i say remind because they have my medical records in my chart from my emergency room visit), and ask about doing a followup test to make sure that it is all gone away, and see what she says. if she doesnt seem like she wants too, then i guess that i am going to have to bite the bullet, gulp, and just mention that i had noticed ....... and tell her about what i had just said, in front of my boyfriend. double gulp. that will be awkward for me. but i definetly want to make sure that everything is okay, and also if it isnt normal and it gets worse, especially being that i dont have insurance at this time, i dont want to have to go back to their office, and spend more money that we dont have. so yeah, gonna have to grow a set of balls. ugh.

Well They Actually Did It

i got a letter in the mail today from my former employer, they finally just completed the form that children and families had requested and they mailed me the copy back as i had requested. it says on there that they had also mailed a copy to children and families and also faxed a copy to theml. but just to be on the safe side i am going to probably go there on monday and bring them a copy of my copy, just to be 100% sure that they have it, and then this should be it, they should have all the information that they asked for, because i followed the list that they had given me originally and i made sure that i gave them everything that they asked for, so this should be it now. so i really hope that this is out now, and that i get a response from them now. because it has been quite a while now, and i havent had insurance since the 14th of november. my appointment with my doctor is this coming wednesday which means that we are going to have to pay them cash, or put it on a credit card, if we dont have the cash. and when i had asked one of the people that works in the office how much it would be she said that it would be 70.00, which is fine for this visit, but we cant keep paying that, we just dont have that money. i dont really know what i will do if i am not approved for medicaid, i guess i will have to look into other things, like maybe if there is some type of clinic or something like that in the area. and if i dont qualify for medicaid, lord knows if i would be able to get that either. well, if what the girl at the desk said was true, the first day that i turned in paperwork was the 30th and that was everything except that one form filled out, so 5-10 days from then would be the 5th-10th which would be this monday. but then 5-10 days from the date that i turned in the letter saying that my employer isnt complying, which was the 5th, would be the 10th-15th, and then the date it says on the form that it was faxed to dcf from my former employer i think it said was the 6th, which would then be the 11th-16th, and then if they go by the latest date that i could possibly think of that would be monday, when i am going to bring them a copy of it, to make sure that they have received it, that would be the 9th, which would make it the 14th-19th. i really hope that this gets done soon, as i am sure that you can tell. i just looked online at my case status and it is still listed as pending. so, as i said before, i really hope that this gets done as soon as possible, especially being that as of right now, i dont even know if they are going to be giving me anything. which i really, really, really, need the help. i guess that we will see, i just hope that i dont have to wait too long for an outcome.

More Sleep

i have been really tired lately it seems. i went to bed last night at a somewhat decent hour, or at least i thought that it was decent anyway, it was 11pm. got back up this morning to put my daughter on the bus, and drive my son to school, and by the time i came back home i think that it was maybe 9:15am. i walked in the house, my boyfriend was still in bed sleeping (which was okay because he had to work from noon-11pm tonight), so i crawled into bed with him, not intending on falling asleep at all, and next thing i know i feel him getting out of bed, and asking me if i ate breakfast already, i managed to mumble that i had already eaten, and i guess that is the last thing that i remember, because next time i opened my eyes it was almost 11am! that has been happening to me a lot lately, i just close my eyes or lay down for a minute and next thing i know i have been sleeping again. whenever you hear people telling you that they are pregnant and they are always so incredibly tired and just want to sleep, make sure you believe them, because omg it is sooo true, all i ever want to do is sleep and when i am not sleeping i am so lazy and i just dont want to do anything. well, i am going to go now, will try to update more later.

Information Received

okay so i went to children and families early this afternoon and dropped off the letter that they had requested, i spoke with a person at the reception desk and explained to her that i was dropping this letter off for them, and the reason why and what the letter had in it, and that i had applied on the 19th and still hadnt received a response yet, and i asked what would happen next after i dropped this letter off to them. i basically asked her if they would hold up everything because my former employer hadnt provided information that they had requested, she said that they would probably call me and try to contact the employer and that if they still didnt respond to them or give them any information that they would just give up on that and let it go and move on. and the way that i understood that was they wouldnt hold up my case because of that, so that is good news anyway. i also told her that i was pregnant and had no insurance, and she said that she would give it to a worker today, so that is good too, at least i know that it wont be sitting somewhere on a desk. she said that after paperwork is turned in that it takes 5-10 days to be processed. so that was good news because at least i found out that they wont hold up my case because of that one thing.

my boyfriend called up a loan that he had paid some money on, and worked it with them that they took the money that he had paid towards the amount that he owed per month, and made it so that he owes 70 dollars a month less to them, so that gives us 70 more a month to use. i was mistaken though. i was thinking for some reason that we didnt have any money per month for groceries only, apparently i was wrong, we didnt have any money for groceries and gas, so that 70 ahead that we are that i thought could be used directly for groceries, will have to be shared between gas with two cars too, so basically in my mind we are back the same place that we were. and then for some reason, he has to mention to me that we have to figure out how we are going to come up with 1000 for car insurance by april, and then another 1000 in another six months from then. i really hope that i get help from children and families, i need all the help that i can get. i have an appointment for myself with wic on the 18th unfortunately no one else is eligible but me, because i am pregnant. the cut off for kids is five, and my son will be five in may, so i was told not even to bother with him ,and my daughter is of course seven way to old. and of course they dont help men. so that is it, just me for that. i suggested to my boyfriend selling back the car that we had just gotten a couple of months ago, but he knocked down the idea saying that then we would end up owing them a couple thousand which we would have to pay right then and there, which we of course dont have, and also that then we would have issues with transportation. i dont think that we would have transportation issues, because i am not working and we could share the car, but owing them money that we dont have right now just doesnt sound like it would work. i am really trying to think of things to help us though. i am doing everything that i can possibly think of. within reason and that is legal of course lol.

then i speak with my sons father, who i am still technically married to, who i had given a marital settlement agreement to look at and let me know what he thought, and if he agreed sign it so i could file for the divorce with the courts, and not have to worry about it being contested or us arguing about it. he has had the papers for probably 2-3 weeks, and he is now claiming that he is going to show the papers to his lawyer and get his opinion on them, especially being that he said that two of the things that it says in there that he isnt happy about is one that i am the primary parent that the child will reside with and also that if me and him cant agree on a decision regarding the child, i am the one to take over and make the decision. so he doesnt like those two things, and those are two things that i am not going to give up. so i told him that if he wasnt done with the papers by next week, i am going to file them with the courts without his signature, and then i guess we are going to have to argue it out. i really hope that he hasnt gotten a lawyer, because that will just make things more difficult for me, considering that i dont have one, and i am sure wont have any money to get one to defend myself.

i also received a certified mail/return receipt from a towyard who was saying that they had my car in their impound, and that i needed to come and pay them and get my car out, and that if i didnt it would possibly effect me being able to get a tag or register a car in my name in the future. being that i dont currently own any cars, my car was traded in when we got the new car a couple of months back. i found this not very likely. it was of course the car that i had traded in, somwhere there was a mess up and the car didnt get taken out of my name. so i called the dealership and long story short in order for them to fix it i have to go down there tomorrow (at least a half hour each way out of my way, what a waste of money for gas) and sign a paper, and have them fax that with some proof to someone i think the county to get it fixed. so more crap for me to do, and more gas for me to waste.

Bills Getting Paid....What About Food and Gas For The Car?

i am really depressed right now, i guess that is really the only emotion to describe it. there are other emotions too, but i guess that is the best one. me and my boyfriend were talking and i guess that i didnt think that our food money situation was as bad as it really is. it seems like we have maybe 100 dollars if we are lucky for food, and then after that, that is it. because all the money that is coming in is to pay bills, and there is no money left over after all the bills are getting paid. and he was asking me about the a food bank or pantry or something like that, yes those do give you some food, but it is like canned vegetables, fruits and rice and macaroni and things like that. what about other things that we need to eat a balanced diet, i mean if it wasnt that i was pregnant i wouldnt really care as much what i ate, but i have to eat balanced meals for the baby of course, and my two children also have to eat balanced meals too. i guess why i am so depressed is it isnt like there is an end in sight right now, where it is just like okay get by for the next month on the 100 dollars, and then you will get more money, it isnt anything like that at all. so i am depressed right now, i wish that we had never gotten my car, because that added another payment of 260 a monthonto the bills that we already have. and we could have used that money to be able to buy food without any problems. i am not depressed because i am pregnant, far from it, that is the one thing that is making me happy right now. i am just depressed because i have been in situations like this before, and i had sworn that i wasnt going to ever get into a situation like this again, where i didnt have any money, and didnt know how i was going to be able to feed my family. and now i am at that point again.

department of children and families is not being a huge bunch of help right now at all, i turned in everything that they had asked for on friday, except for a form that they said my former employer had to fill out. i gave that to my former job the day after my appointment there, which was on the 20th, and i was told that they would fax it to them, they have still not faxed it to them, and i called them on the 30th and was told that they had forwarded it to someone else in another department, wasnt given the persons name or number, and they wouldnt even say when it would be completed. so i am worried that is what is holding up the process now, i dont even have insurance right now, never mind no money for food or anything else, but the bad news is that they might not even give me food assistance, because based on just my boyfriends income, without taking into account the huge amounts of bills that we have, it looks like we are doing well. which after all the bills are paid, we are left with nothing left over at all. so i dont know. i asked someone in the dcf office yesterday what i can do because obviously my former employer isnt complying and filling out the form like i had asked them, and the person at the front desk told me to put that in a letter, along with the former employers name, address, and phone number, and give it to them. she didnt say what would happen after that, i really hope that isnt holding up my case any longer then it normally would take, i just dont know what else to do. tried calling the person that i gave the form to at my former employer this morning, she didnt answer her phone, i didnt even bother leaving a message because i am sure that she wouldnt be helpful so i am not even going to bother leaving her one for her to call me back. i am going to go now, going to take a quick shower and then drop the letter off at the dcf office, i really hope for the best with this, i hope that they process everything quickly and that this form not getting turned into them, doesnt slow down or stop the process.

my pregnancy ticker for today

i wasnt putting it on my space profile that i was pregnant, or any information about it right now i was going to wait a while longer, but my boyfriend put a message on my space page, which if anyway who had a brain read it they would realize that i was, and also that he was the father from what he said, so i got a pregnancy ticker, and put in on my page, which i will have to of course keep going to the site and update, and put in on myspace page. i thought that being that the cat was out of the bag now, i just changed my profiles to say that i had two children, and another one on the way, and also put the ticker up too. so this is the ticker that it gave me for today, i think that it is sooo cute.

Take It Easy, No Lifting Anyhing Over 10 Pounds, and no .....

i went to the doctors on thursday just like i was planning on too have them fill out the form stating that i couldnt work. i spoke to the nurse show her the form, and she said that she didnt get any medical records from the hospital, and that they dont do that, i have to actually get the records from the hospital, and bring them to their office so that they had them. i told her what i was diagnosed with, which is a pregnancy with a tear in the placenta, and she had no problem filling the form out saying that i couldnt work for the rest of my pregnancy, and 6-8 weeks after delivery. she also said that i couldnt lift anything over 10 pounds, to rest and take it easy, and also not to have sex until speaking with the doctor on my next appointment which is on the 12th. all of that just made it so much more serious for me then the emergency room doctor, because he didnt tell us any of that, and he was making it sound like it was really nothing to worry about. so after hearing all of that i started to get worried again. so now i am paranoid about not lifting anything that might be to heavy, i am not having sex, which is making my mood wonderful, and i am sure that the hormones that are going around inside of me isnt helping either. and i am not working. which i wasnt before, but there goes any ideas of getting a part time job to help us out financially. even for a few hours a week. not that i am complaining about all of this, i am very happy that i am pregnant, and i just want whats best for the baby to make sure that nothing happens and that the baby is okay. so i brought the paper that the doctor filled out back to workforce alliance like they had stated, and they gave me the paper to give back to children and families, but they advised me that in 10 days i would get an appointment with them i had to still go to, and still fill out forms with them, and also that every month i have to bring some sheet to my doctors office that they will mail me to keep them updated with my condition and treatment. so surprise, surprise, my dealings with them arent done. it figures, why did i think that it would be that easy to just get a form filled out and i wouldnt have to have any dealings with them for like the next 8-9 months or so, i should have known better. but anyway.

on friday i called my old job to make sure that they had completed the form that i had given them from children and families, mind you i had given it to them a week and a half before this, and it had to be turned in with all the rest of my papers on friday. i talked to the same girl that i had given it to, which is in human resources, and she said that she had sent it to someone in payroll, so she called her and called me back and said that she still hadnt done it yet, and didnt know when it would be completed. so that is just great, i really hope that this doesnt hold up my getting approved for benefits, especially medicaid, because i dont have any insurance right now, and that is the benefit that i am most concerned about and that i feel that i need the most right now. i am going to give them another few days, and then i am going to call the girl in human resources and get the number for the girl in payroll and find out what the issue is, because it is just a simple form, i dont see why it should be this complicated.

my boyfriend and i went to look at more new housing complexes today, and i guess that silly me, i had thought that it was a possibility that we could actually get one at some point in the near future, and that was why we were looking at them. but when he talked to me about it further, he explained to me that without help from the first time home buyers program and getting one of his loans paid off, we wouldnt be able to make the monthly payments. the first time homebuyers we were told by someone in a sales office for homes that it can take at least 6-8 months to get through with, and the loan probably wont get paid off for at least another 3 months or so. so i wanted to know why he was making me look at these beautiful townhomes, that we cant get any time in the near future, because there is no way that we can possibly afford them. so that got me discouraged, there was this beautiful 3 story townhome that we saw today that i really loved. and they are of course running a special on them now, they hugely reduced the prices of them. but there is no point in even thinking about them, because there is no guarantee that they will be available whenever the heck we can do it, and even with the home buyers thing and the loan paid off, the exact way that things are right now, i dont think that we would still be able to do it, unless somethings changed financially. for the better of course. sigh.

You Gotta Love The Government

okay so that was incredibly sarcastic, as i am sure that you realize. i went for this ridiculous waste of a time orientation with workforce alliance this morning, because i was informed that in order to get cash assistance through dcf that i had to attend this, and that is of course assuming that i am approved for cash benefits, who knows. so i went to this orientation, and i of course cant work, i am so tired and it is an effort to move a lot of the time, and never mind the back pain that comes and goes and when it is there, like at this moment, it is not very comfortable, the only thing that seems to help it sometimes is laying down, and even then that doesnt even seem to help. so they told me that the only way to be excused from this bs program is to have my doctor fill out this medical form, and in order for me not to have anything to do with them at all, and still be able to get cash benefits if i am eligble, the doctor would have to fill out the form saying that not only am i not able to work at all, but i am also not able to participate in any of these work activities that they have which also entail you to be sitting for certain periods of time, getting up and down, etc. so needless to say i am probably bringing this paper to my doctors office tomorrow, along with a note asking them to please fill out it out this way, and the medical reasons why, and hope that they do, because if they dont, there is no way that i am going to be participating with this program and doing what they require, which is basically you actively looking for a job for 30-40 hours a week, and getting a job. which is something that i cant do, and not even to mention the fact that i dont have anyone of course watching my daughter anymore after school, and since i put her in school near my home, no one that i now is local enough to even do it anyway, so that means i would have to pay the costly price of aftercare. which wouldnt make sense, never mind the fact that i dont think i could handle a full time job again, that is why i had to leave the one that i had before. so of course needless to say i am seriously keeping my fingers crossed that my doctors office will fill out that way, the way that i need them too. because if not then i am just not going to be able to get cash assistance through the government because i cant participate in this program. from what i was told today, assuming that it was correct, because you do never know, from what person says to what another one says, that i would still be able to get medicaid and food stamps if i didnt participate with this program i just wouldnt be able to get the cash assistance. i really hope that is true, if my doctor doesnt fill out the form the way i need, then at least i would hopefully be getting those, assuming i am eligible for those, considering i havent been told what if anything i am getting at this point or not.

i had called my old job and was told by the human resources person that they cancel your insurance on midnight of your last day of employment with them, so basically i am seriously hoping that i do get that it goes back to then for me, otherwise i am going to be stuck with a 1115.00 laboratory bill that there is no way that i can pay. of course not getting medicaid would also bring up a lot of problems too, like not having insurance or being able to pay for medical care. so i would have to figure out another way to get medical care, i dont even know about any clinics or anything around here, because i only moved to this area around 5 months ago. i am keeping my fingers crossed that i get medicaid at least to cover my medical, past and present. (and future of course). i am just going to have to wait and see what happens.

my boyfriend got me a little nervous yesterday because he was acting weird and stressed out, and i finally pulled out of him what was wrong. he is still very happy about the baby, that didnt change but he was thinking about the costs of the baby, and the fact that he will be responsible for another person, and he is already responsible for himself, my kids, and me, so it is five then with the baby. and i think that he was also thinking about how good of a father he is going to be, so we talked about it, and he was feeling better about everything when we were done talking. i am trying not to think too much about what the doctor said, about the tear, especially since he was saying that it really wasnt anything to worry about, and it was something common in pregnancy. so i am trying not to worry about it, but it is hard. i am scared that something is going to happen to the baby. which is of course natural when you are pregnant, i am worried that something is going to go wrong or something is going to happen to the baby.

i was going to blog about more today, especially about a couple of my friends and the things that they have been going through, and i know that i have not been there for them like i used to be or been as social as i used to be with them, i just have so many things going on myself, and i am limited in my cell phone minutes that i can use too, i am on a plan and only have a certain amount of course that i can use per month, but i am not going to use any of that as an excuse, i dont know why i just havent been feeling very social with a lot of people. i dont know why. i guess i am being moody. i need to work on it though, becuase i need to be more there for my friends like they have been there for me.

No More Wiles "sniff"

we had to give Wiles (the dog) away, we gave him to a humane society, animal shelter type facility, we would have tried to find him a home with a private owner, but we didnt really have time. the place that he was brought to was informed that he wasnt good with small children. what happened was my daughter was with him on the couch, and i guess she had her face in his face and he didnt want to be bothered and he was growling at her and showing his teeth, and she didnt stop bothering him, so he got upset with her and bit her on her lip and cheek, left pretty good marks to and she was gushing blood. so me and my boyfriend decided that we had to get rid of him because we didnt want to see anything like that ever happen again, or any one else get hurt, even though you never know no one might have ever gotten hurt again and he might not have ever done it again, but it had to be done. we didnt want to take that chance, especially with the baby coming too. i am upset about it, but i am getting better about it, probably because everything has been going on, it isnt on my mind as much, but my daughter of all people is extremely upset because she said that it wasnt his fault she should have left him alone, and that she deserved to get bit. and she keeps saying that she really misses him.

here is one last picture of him:



you are very missed wiles, i really hope that you find a home with people that will take care of you and treat you well.

Stay At Home Mommy (and updates)

i know that i havent made a real actual post here in quite a while, i have just been so busy with everything and then had things going on too, so anyway, i am going to post now as much as i can possibly think of to catch things in here up. due to how i had been feeling in the morning, and also throughout the day too while i was at work, me and my boyfriend figured out everything on paper and figured out that with the way that everything looked i should be able to stay at home and not work, and he should be able to pay all the bills on his own with just his pay. that is of course just the bills, that doesnt include any medical expenses, food, household needs, etc. you get the picture. i left my job on the 14th of november, which also so happened to be my appt at the obgyn for a checkup, where everything seemed to be normal at that point. even though i formally resigned on the 14th, i actually hadnt been to work since friday the 9th because of how bad i had been feeling. so i started to try to apply for government assistance, food stamps, wic, medicaid, that sort of thing, and of course there are so many hoops that you have to jump through and so many things that you have to get done, so i have been trying to get all of that done, and i have to have everything completed and turned in to them by the 30th. then yesterday i was having pains in my lower back, a low grade fever, and also was peeing a lot, so i called my doctors office to ask for their advice as to what to do, and they told me to go to the hospital to get checked out. so i went to the hospital, which is the hospital that they specified to go to, because that is the hospital that i will be delivering at, and that hospital is about 30-45 minutes away from the house. so i got there at like 3pm i believe and i didnt leave there until at least 8pm. i got diagnosed with a bacterial vaginal infection, yuck, and the surprising thing is that i didnt have any symptoms at least of that i could tell anyway. from what i have read though it is not unusual for the woman to have no symptoms and i was told that it is common in pregnancy, and for those of you who dont know, i was also told and read that it is not an std. and i made sure that my boyfriend who went with me to the er yesterday, and was in there with me the whole time, also heard that it wasnt an std. so anyway, i was given a prescription to treat that, which unfortunately when we had it filled was 80 dollars. because my wonderful job that i used to work for has already cancelled my insurance, and being that i am in the process of applying for medicaid, and havent been approved yet or anything like that, because it is still pending, i have to pay for everything out of my pocket. i also had an ultrasound done, to make sure that the baby was okay, and we got to see the baby moving its arms and legs, heard the heartbeat, and saw the heartbeating, and also were told that as of yesterday i was 8 weeks and 6 days along, and my due date was 06/30/08. so that only changed the due date that i had originally been given by one or two days. so the doctor came back in the room, and told us at first that the ultrasound and the baby were just fine, but then he came back a little bit later, and said that he had reviewed the ultrasound a second time just to make sure, and that this time he had noticed a small subchorionic tear, but he was saying that it was nothing to really worry about because it was common in pregnancy and it would reattach itself. he was saying that the only reason that he was mentioning it was because he had noticed it and therefore had to mention it. he also said that i might have a little spotting because of it, but i might not because the tear was so small. i was so happy that my boyfriend was there with me, that way he heard what the doctor was saying too, that way when i start getting worried about it, he reminds me of what the doctor was saying that it was nothing to really be worried about. i called my obgyn's office this morning and told them that i was at the doctors office yesterday and what i was diagnosed with and also what the doctor found in the ultrasound, and asked them to get the records from the hospital, which they said that they are going to get, and that the doctor is going to be reviewing all the records and that if the doctor needs to see me regarding it, that they would call me for that. so far hadnt heard anything from them, so that is a good thing. as i mentioned before i dont have insurance right now, so i was told when i asked last time that i was there expecting this to happen, that it would be 70.00 per visit for me to go to the doctor. i also just looked on my insurances website and it appears that the labwork that i had the day after i quit my job, which totals about the amount of 1116.00 was denied as me not having coverage. i want to know how they could have possibly cancelled my insurance that quickly. i am going to have to make a phone call tomorrow and see how that happened, and why they did that. i really hope that i get approved for medicaid because except for medications, i believe that they should go back and pay that bill, and also the bill for the hospital visit from yesterday too. i am trying to do everything that they are asking me, and get them everything that they are asking for, i really hope that they dont give me any issues.

Halloween Pictures

My Rant On People

Since none of my clothes will fit around my stomach (or are very uncomfortably tight) I knew that I was going to have to buy some clothes to wear, both for work and for weekends. So instead of going and buying more clothes that were a few sizes to big, and then having to buy more and more clothes after that the bigger that I got, I bought (or had my boyfriend buy being that I couldn’t afford it at the moment) about 5 outfits of maternity clothes, and they are awesome. Nice and big and roomy, and comfortable. I love them, I really do. The only thing that has been upsetting me, is especially at work people have been coming up to me and going your pregnant aren’t you, saying this because I am wearing maternity clothes, and I have a stomach. So I say yes, and then they say how far along are you? And either they try to guess, and say about at least 3-5 months I have been getting, or they are shocked when I tell them that I am about 5 weeks at this time. What can I say? I was overweight when I got pregnant I am not going to lie, but come on, their responses annoy me. What should I say, nah I was just fat when I got pregnant, so that is what I look bigger then most people that are as far along as me. I am not other people. So that is one thing.

The next thing is that my sons father who I am still technically legally married too, figured out this morning that I am pregnant, mainly because I was wearing maternity clothes, cause other then that I don’t think that he is that smart to figure it out. Amazingly enough he wasn’t as pissed off as I thought that he would be, I honestly thought that he would be screaming and cussing at me but he really didn’t, he said that he wanted a divorce. No duh. So I told him to file it whenever he wanted to, yeah right, I doubt if he ever would. And he also something about poor guy, meaning my boyfriend, and that now I have three kids with three different fathers. Which I guess he was trying to hurt me, I don’t know.

Then my boyfriend said today, which he has been saying for a while, that when we file for divorce which is supposedly going to the end of December if everything goes okay, that I should file for full custody on the grounds that his dad cant keep a job for more then two weeks at a time. But if that was true at the time, and still held true from what is going on now, then I would be in for a big custody battle and that would stall the divorce, because he wouldn’t just agree to that without a fight. So I really don’t think that I want to do that. I just don’t know.

Then I have been so tired at work lately, that it is all that I can do to keep my eyes open, never mind focus on my work. And sure enough today a mistake that I had made that was caught, I processed a payment for about 400 dollars more then it should have been. And it was definitely my error, no question about that. not that it wasn’t anything that couldn’t be fixed, but still I have to be careful, or my job isn’t going to be too happy with me. Especially being that I can hardly focus on my work, I cant make mistakes like this, or I am sure that it will only be a matter of
time, which is making me nervous. And also the fact that I was informed, if I have another time from probably about now til December that I am in late to work, or have to call in without having it approvedfirst, then I am going to be written up, which will go in my file, and is basically the first step to being fired. It is also comes in their attention and counts against me during review time.

Then I have been worried that something is going to happen to the baby. And I love it and want it so much. And from the way that my boyfriend has been talking and acting, he does too. So that is something else that has been on my mind. This weekend I was wanting to go to the mall, too look for more maternity clothes, because other then the five outfits that were just bought, and one other outfit that I put together with a shirt that I bought, and a pair of pants that I had, and a couple of other things that are really too big for me right now, that is all that I have.

Men...Men...Men

They can be such wonderful beings at time and make you so happy and content and then other times you just want to oooohhhhh. I swear. So to start it off with I had to go back to the doctors office on Tuesday afternoon because I was having the symptoms of a yeast infection, which I just had one last month too. So I called them to ask them because I am pregnant if I can use the same over the counter treatment that I always
do, and they said no to come in so that the doctor could see me. So I went there and saw the doctor and he said that he wasn’t sure what to give me during the first trimester, and he went and consulted with 2 midwives and I think he said two other doctors and he told me to use the exact same thing that I always use. (and this was before I had told him that is what I always use). He also basically said that because I am normally prone to them and I am pregnant now, that I am going to be even more prone to them. He also only had one suggestion for me to prevent them which was not to sit in a wet bathing suit which I don’t do anyway and I told him that, and the other suggestion was to maybe try yogurt. And that was it. So that wasn’t that many suggestions. During the exam I think that he was trying to be funny, even though he didn’t actually smile while saying it, and he said (after I told him that one of the reasons I thought I had a yeast infection was because during and after sex it burned) so he said why was I having sex now anyway, we already accomplished our goal and got me pregnant, to which I of course responded cause I enjoy it and I also made a comment about having two other kids. And then he saw the book that I was reading and said if you have two other kids already why are you reading a book on pregnancy. So yeah, I guess he was trying to be funny, but he said it with such a straight face that it really leaves you wondering if he was joking or not. So from that night (Tuesday) to tonight being that last night now, I have had to use the wonderful feeling yeast infection treatment, I am so happy that
tonight will be the last night for that. Ugh.

So okay, on the boyfriend subject, who is what the subject line is about. The first thing that he did that perturbed me was something that we were discussing. I asked him if we weren’t getting married, and hadn’t had that discussion and weren’t married
before the baby was born if he would have wanted the baby to have his last name, and he said that yes he did. Which was fine, I had thought about that previously anyway, and I would have given the baby his last name without any issues. Then I mentioned to him what I am planning which is once I file for divorce going to back to my maiden name (the last name that I had from birth). And I asked him if he would mind if when we got married I kept that last name and didn’t take his. You would think that I had shot a puppy from the look on his face, he even started to almost cry,
his eyes filled up. I even mentioned that I would have kept the middle and then hyphenated it with his name, but then it would have been so long. So he made a
really bad comment which made him sound like a complete you know what which was that once I was able to bring in a six figure income that I could keep my own name. which was such a wrong comment. Then on Wednesday night I went to sleep at 9:15pm because was so tired, and he called me while I was sleeping at like 10pm, so I tried to ignore my phone ringing, but he called me three more times after the first time until I finally answered the phone only to ask me a question that could have waited until the morning. So that annoyed me, even though later he said that if he had known that he wouldn’t have called me but he didn’t think that I would be sleeping that early. Then last night he said that he had off this Sunday which is a very rare occurrence for him, unless he requested it ahead of time, it is very rare for him to get the actual day off, so he was asking for us to go to his church. Now I am not the most church going person at all, very far from it, so asking this of me at all is something, never mind the fact that he had already asked me to come with him for thanksgiving day mass, and really wanted me to go for that, and I was actually considering going for that, so now this I don’t know. I am not sure if I want to go, and also then if I don’t go, then I know that it will cause him to be unhappy I am sure. I don’t know, I personally don’t know whether I want to go or not. At least if I do go, I know that I will just have my daughter and not my son and my daughter, because Sundays are his fathers day to have him. I don’t know. so that is something else on my mind.

Hormonal and pregnant

well, as we have already established i am pregnant. and with being pregnant comes hormones, and if i remember correctly major hormonal changes. well that seems to be true today because wow have i had some mood swings. i couldnt fit my waist into some of my clothes, okay almost all of my clothes today, so that got me unhappy. then my daughter was annoying me today so that made me annoyed with her for a lot of the day, because she just wasnt lisitening and had such an attitude. and then one my friends called me and we talked and were laughing and that was good. then i cooked dinner for about 45 mintes, my boyfriend came home from work at 7:30pm (i hadnt seen him since about 8:30am this morning) and we ate the dinner that i had made, he didnt even get to finish his food when his mom called and said that she had to bring his dad to the hospital becuase he was having chest pains, and could he drive them to the hospital. so he of course said yes, and they came and picked him up to take them there, because they go to a special hospital that is like a 1/2 hour from here. so he was home for maybe a half hour and then left, and i know that he wont be back for a long time. so i started to cry after he left, i just felt so alone, it seemed like he was never around, and that i was pregnant without him being there for me. not that i would love this baby any differently even if i was completely alone, but still i felt so without him. he is fine with the financial aspects of things and figuring them out, but when it comes to the emotional support, forget it, it is like pulling teeth to get a emotional reaction out of him, unless it gets to be too much for him, and then he starts to cry and wont tell you why still. so that was my range of emotions today. oh, and last night i agreed to marry him when he came home from work. i had thought about it more and more last night after i wrote this, and i asked him if it meant a lot to him if we got married before the baby was born, and he said that it did, but that he hadnt pushed the subject because he didnt want any conflict between us. so anyway, with all the thinking that i had been doing, about having limited to access to things that are his, and about the fact that even before i had found out that i was pregnant we had been talking about getting married at some point in the future, so why not do it sooner rather then later? so i told him that i would marry him, at some point between the time that my divorce is final and the baby is due, and he was happy, or seemed happy with that, it is so hard to tell with him because he doesnt really show his emotions. i am going to end this now though, cause i am getting tired, and i have to wake up early for work tomorrow.

Attempt On The Pictures Posting

The pregnancy tests:
(one that i purchased and took early in the morning, and one from the doctors office):



The pictures of the new car:





Pictures from my dads birthday:

(on Oct. 14th)






A closer picture (it was edited) of my boyfriend and I:



And finally a picture of my doggie:

My Big News

well all i can say about the last post is i am soooo happy that i didnt cheat on him, and do that, and that my conscience wouldnt let me do it, because i just couldnt do that to him. cause guess what?

i am pregnant!!!!!!

i found out on thursday (of this week) that i am about 4 weeks pregnant, i actually found out before i was supposed to have my period. i had been really really hungry constantly, and my boobs really really hurt. so i took a first response test that i had in the house (long story, not now) and it came up with the line after about a minute that said that i was pregnant, granted the line wasnt really dark but it was there. so i told my boyfriend, who was happy and excited about it, and then i called in to work and said i wasnt going to be in the morning, and went to my obgyn. so i had another test there, and again it took it a minute or two to come up, but then it came up a little light but it was there. and the doctor examined and felt me and said that i seemed about four weeks, which went with the last date of my period. so i am pregnant!!!!!! with baby number 3. i am of course a little nervous now about the risk of miscarriage, as every woman is, because you just never know. i want this baby so bad, and i am so happy, i really hope that nothing happens. my parents seem happy about it, it took them a minute or two of shock but then they are happy for me, as long as i am happy. and there was even mention today of babysitting a few days a week, nothing definite but definetly a positive discussion about it which is good. his parents on the other hand, i dont know if they are happy for him or happy about it or not, all i know is that i have just been hearing him saying something about them saying that it happened in the wrong order, and your supposed to be married first. his sister had one and wasnt married, and besides what is the big deal, as long as you are together and care about each other and the baby (which we do), and take good care of the baby, then what does it matter. but i guess they are annoying him about it, which isnt good. and then he is also looking at the financial and money aspect of this, and trying to figure out the best way for the money to work. so not that he isnt happy (he still says that he is), he is just stressing out too. then i have my issues with being afraid that he is going to leave me and the baby, and that i am going to have to do it all by myself. not that i wouldnt, i have done it before with my two kids, i could do it again with three, and would and dp love this baby and take care of it just like the others, but still, it gets me upset just thinking about it. maybe what it is is because i have been left before, and maybe in a back part of my mind i am not married and pregnant and havent done that before. i have always been married. and i guess that in my mind it is easier to walk away when you arent married versus when you are. not really though, i dont know. i am just not used to being "single" and not married to the father of the baby i am carried. first i need get divorced, which the way that we are planning it we should have the money the end of december to file. so i have to get divorced before i can marry someone else of course, but once that happens, i dont know, do i want to get married now just because i am pregnant? i wasnt planning on marrying him now thats fore sure, i was scared of marriage, still am, and wasnt thinking about doing it anytime in the future to him. but then again if i really love him, and was thinking about doing it anyway, why not do it now. i dont know, it is so confusing to me. i am happy that i am pregnant, and excited about having a baby, and that is what i am trying so hard to only focus on right now.

well i was going to put up the picture of the pregnancy tests that i had taken with the results showing on the screen :) but it isnt letting me it is giving me an error message. so i will have to do it another day. i was also going to put up the pictures of my new car that i got, but that will have to wait too. until another day.

The Cheating Blog

here is a quote that i came across that i thought was interesting first:

"Women are more likely to cheat than men, finds
report."


Women are more likely to cheat on their men to gain
sexual satisfaction because of their growing
assertiveness and their equality in the workplace, say
marriage counselors. Cheating husbands, in contrast,
are increasingly looking for emotional fulfillment and
may actually mean it when they tell their secretaries
that their wives don't understand them.

Dr. Bonnie Eaker Weil, a New York marriage counselor,
said, "We're seeing the pendulum swing. Men used to
behave like jocks -- macho men who were only
interested in sex -- but now women are behaving the
same way."

and some other interesting information that i came across when all i typed into ask jeeves is why do women cheat on their husbands.....i found at least one website, i am sure that there are more though, that offers basically a service for married people who want more then just their spouse and are looking for a hookup too, and i also found some more interesting percentages which basically said that 14-40% of all married women have cheated at what time or another. those are amazing percentages to me, i cant believe the amounts of people that are cheating, and women too, generally it is men that you hear that are cheating. for example i know of two girls that i work with, who several years ago their husbands have cheated on them and actually gotten the girls that they cheated on their wives with pregnant, and then the women had the babies. i dont know which is more disturbing the fact that the guys cheated, didnt use protection, or also the fact that the girls got pregnant and then decided to keep the babies and have the guys be involved in their lives, i mean hello do you have any shame? and then the other interesting things are that one of the two girls that i know from work, she caught her husband cheating again and she is still with him. i wonder what makes people stay after they catch the other person cheating over and over again? and the other interesting thing is that the excuses that the men gave that were caught cheating or admitted that they were cheating was that they werent getting any love from their wives, they werent spending time with them, or acting like they cared about them, or having sex with them. so that seems to be trend of the reason why people these days are cheating. i asked my boyfriend if he had ever cheated on anyone that he was with, and he of course said no, which doesnt mean anything, even if you had, would you honestly admit to the person that you are with right now? probably not, because that is really something that you want to admit, and then the other person would be paranoid that you would do it again. so anyway, he said that he never had and never would, and then of course he looked at me like i was crazy for even asking that, and wondered how that subject had come up with me i suppose. but anyway.

i am not saying that i havent considered doing it, i am not even going to say that i havent thought about it lately. i had a dream a couple of days ago about having sex with my son's father, who when you get down to it is my technical husband. and it was good and seemed that it was everything that i wanted. because when you get down to it, my boyfriend isnt the greatest in bed that i have ever had, which really sucks for me. he doesnt last very long at all, generally 3-5 minutes a shot. so it makes it really difficult for me to have a "o" because i dont very long to have it in. and i cant "o" from just foreplay alone so it is really really really frustrating for me. for example yesterday morning me and my boyfriend had sex and he lasted a little longer then usual, and he did a lot of foreplay before hand, and even though he had still came really quick, he was still able to keep it going after that for a little bit so that i could get mine. and it didnt take me long too because there was a lot of foreplay and i was so turned on ahead of time. so that was a good experience, the first one that i had with him in a little while. but then to ruin things last night we got kind of hot and heavy, more with me messing with him and him being not very hands on with me, and it was new and exciting because it was somewhere other then the bed, but then we moved to the bed, and it was the same thing again, and he came really quick, and left me in the cold, and was done, so that really sucked for me. i was so disturbed that i had to pull something out of the closet to take care of myself, and i did it without him knowing because i really didnt want to draw attention to that fact. and then the other issue that i was having with him was that he didnt seem that interested in having it as much as i was, he was also saying that he was tired had to get up early for work the next day or blah blah. and it was even like i was asking for it a huge amount of time, just maybe 3-4 times a week would have been good with me. but i wasnt getting it that much, not even close. i did talk to him about all of this that i am naming and even though i have to say that quantity has been getting better, the quality still isnt making that much of a difference, it is like once he enters me it is very short lived, and i have never had to deal with that like this, and it is bothering me. so now that i have described my issues that i have been having with him and having sex, is it any wonder that i had a dream like i had? of course not. i actually talked to my sons father who was who the dream was about, i guess i was trying to feel him out about the whole thing and see if he would be interested in having sex with me still, and he of course was, and wanted too. he even understood that he would have to wear a condom in order to do that, and he was okay with that too. but i just didnt want to do that, i mean dont get me wrong one part of me really wanted too, still does, but the other part of me who sees how my boyfriend takes care of me and the kids doesnt want to do that too him. for example, yesterday he just said that he was going to be taking my car to the mechanic to get the oil changed, which would be like 25.00 and he gave me his car to take to work, i come back home from work, and see that he has vacuumed my car, scrubbed it with chemicals, bought me new floor mats, changed my wiper blades, and my air filter, and also that he had them look at my a/c and refill it with freon so that it would work better. so its like even though he has his bad points he has his really good points too.

so in short i know at least one main reason that makes women cheat on their man, husband, boyfriend, whatever they are. and that is sex, needing good sex, just wanting to have a good you know what, cause you are just not getting it at home. and then the fact that you know someone who is able to give it to you better then you are getting, is available and more then willing to do that for you. so that is a huge tempation. i am trying to seriously cope with that temptation, because even though one part of me wants to seriously just do it, and feel so much better afterward, the other part of me knows that it would be wrong and that i would have such serious regrets and guilt afterward because of how well that he treats me. so i am trying to seriously handle this temptation and not give into it.

And One Last Picture

More Pictures (From Sept 15th and 16th)