Caught? and Happy Birthday To Me

so yesterday was my birthday, i got four phone calls total, which is pretty sad actually considering the amount of friends and family that i have. it is depressing to me. two of my friends called me, my mother called, and my aunt called. then i called my daughter since she is still in another country, and talked to her, she remembered my birthday and so did my ex (her father). so go figure, my ex husband and my seven year old daughter remembered when other people didnt. hmmm. anyway, i did have a nice birthday friday and saturday (my birthday was actually saturday though) but my boyfriend treated me well. he had already given me my birthday present early, which was a ipod (the one that is $250, i forget how many gig it has), and on friday night he took me to dinner at cheesecake factory and we went to the movies. then on my actual birthday saturday we didnt do that much, but i didnt cook a meal, either he cooked or we went out. (same thing with friday) and he also bought me a new necklace for the pendant with necklace set that he had bought me for christmas, because as much as i love it (it is a gold heart with diamonds) the chain is a little thin so we discussed it and decided that being that i have a habit of breaking chains unintentially of course, that we needed to get a stronger one for it. and he also bought me a nice armoire, i think that is how it is called, it is a jewelry box that stands on its own, and has legs. it is very nice.

on friday, we went to the paralegal, and i finished signing everything and getting everything done. it is supposed to be submitted to the courts this week, she said tuesday, but being that it is new years day, i bet that it will be either weds or thurs. and that is it, that starts the process of the divorce. he is going to get served the papers, and i am sure that he isnt going to agree with what is in the papers, especially being that even though it says that we each have custody it is also saying that he has to pay me over $400 dollars a month, so i am afraid that this is going to be just the beginning of a fight, which i really dont want to go through. but being that the two major things that he is going to fight me for, at least that is what he was making it sounding like, was the being the primary residential parent, and if me and him cant agree him being the deciding factor and making that decision. and for the welfare of frankie, i would have to fight for those myself. i dont want him to screw up frankies life like he screwed up his own, i mean look at where he is at now, he is gping to be 32 years old, and look at his life. ugh, dont get me started. the funny thing is that now that i think about it, what about my boyfriend? yes he has held down a job for about 13 years, and he does have a car that he makes payments on, which is something that frankies dad doesnt have, but other then that, what does he have to show for his life? and he is five years older then frankies dad. but then again, he did serve in the navy for six years, so i guess that is like putting your life on hold right? i dont know. once i gave her all the papers to submit to the courts and it was all down, i just felt so sad. and still am some. because when you get married, at least for me this time anyway, i wanted it to be forever, and i was so in love with him, and then what happened. other then getting my son out of it, i feel that i wasted all these years of my life by being with him. what did i get out of it? except for him making me broke, by taking all my money, and making me miserable. and then never mind that it makes me scared to get married again, which is something that i know that my boyfriend wants, he makes it no secret that he wants that. but who is to say that i dont get married, and then it doesnt work and i have to go through all of this again. and that would be marriage number three. oh my goodness. and i just turned 27 years old. and i am going through my second divorce now. or am going to be starting to go through it anyway. go figure. then like today we had a little disagreement (me and my boyfriend) about basically nothing, and when it is done i have to wonder, and think about marriage and whether i really want to do that. because that makes me even scared even more. i just dont know, even though he said something about not pushing me into it, i know that he really wants it, and he doesnt make it a secret that he does, so then what. what if i never get over my issues to get married again, is he going to be around still, if i dont marry him. and then the fact that right now everything is under him and i have nothing comes into play too, cell phones, cars, you name it, i have nothing of my own right now. so what if he ever left me and i wasnt married to him. i dont know.

then something that didnt help my trust in him occured on friday morning, my boyfriend's nephew vacuumed and cleaned his car out. and his nephew calls me while he is doing this, to ask if an earring that he found in the car is mine. and describes it to me, so i say that i dont think that it is, but to leave it in the car and i will look at it. so my boyfriend brings it in the house and shows it to me, and there is no way that it is mine. so i started asking him questions. but i cant let myself get to much at him about it, because he hasnt had the car vacuumed since he got the car in march (trust me you can tell), and we didnt start being together until june, so i cant really get upset at him about it, but it still got me going, what if he is cheating on me, what if he was, you never know. so that got me going. his reasoning behind it was that from march until now, his mother, his sister, the salesgirl, and also a few girls from work that he gave rides home too were in the car, and it could be any of theirs. so basically what i said to him was that i wasnt going to carry on about it too much at this time, but that if anything like that ever happened again, he was going to be in trouble. so he made a comment about what if he had a good explanation, and i said that it didnt matter, because i have no doubt that any excuse that he came up with would be good, and that i wasnt going to listen to it. i am not going to claim innocence and say that in time that i have been in this relationship with him and living with him that i didnt think of being with anyone else, or come very close to it, but i never actually did. and that means something. and i am of course very happy that i didnt, so that there was no issues with whose baby this is. that would have been serious drama. beginning with me not having a place to stay because i am sure that he would have kicked me out. but luckily that never happened. because i never made it happen, even though i had plenty of opportunities trust me.

i had lunch with my mom today, and she was frustrated with my dad as usual. and somehow it came to me to ask her if she had money if she would still be with my dad, and she said probably not, and that she was pretty sure that she would have left him a long time ago. now dont get me wrong, my dad has a lot of mental problems, and not many people would have stuck with him through them, but that wasnt even the reason that she gave, she said that it would be because being married is supposed to be two people looking out for each other, and my dad never worries about "them" or "her" he only worries about himself. so that really got me going about marriage, if it wasnt for the fact that she cant afford to live on her own at all, not even close, my parents would be divorced, just like a lot of other parents. just like i will be again. and my parents have been married for like almost 30 years i think that it is. wow. i dont know what made me ask that, but i guess that i really already knew the answer that i was going to get. it really makes you think.



btw-------i put up new pictures on my space page if you want to check those out.