Wow!

so i did end up meeting him on monday night after all, and it was good. he was very late, like an hour and 15 minutes late, and we had an issue with me not telling me that he was going to be late for our date until i had already been there for about 45 minutes or so, and then i finally decided to try to i'm him myself from my phone and then he i'med me back that he was going to be late, because he got stuck at work and supposedly they wouldnt let him leave literally. so anyway, he finally got there, and we really seemed to hit it off. i felt almost instantly comfortable with him and was hardly nervous at all. which was amazing because the whole day and before he got there i was nervous as hell. so anyway, we just stood around for a while and talked and then...well never mind, we didnt have sex, exactly, but i will say that the amount of attraction that we felt for each other was incredible. he definetly does it for me that is for sure, and he treated me very well too, i was very impressed. he made me feel really good, appreciated, attractive, and comfortable. i also felt like nothing bad could happen to me while i was with him, which was so strange to me being that we had just met in person. the other thing that was weird was that we both just felt like we had known each other forever. it was amazing to me. ever since monday night, which i was out late, i didnt get home til like 2am, and didnt fall asleep til about 2:30am then had to wake up for work at 6am, we have i'med every day/night. we are supposed to be going out tomorrow night and meeting at the same place at 8:30pm, hopefully it goes okay with us meeting and everything. i guess that we will see.

i did get some good news this morning. i called the landlord to ask him about month to month, and he said that my lease would automatically go into month to month, and that i wouldnt even need to sign anything for that. so that is such a huge relief, he said that all that i had to do was just give them 30 days notice and then i would be able to move out after that. so i am sooo happy with that. well, now we will see how everything goes tomorrow night, hopefully everything goes good. i'll have to write and update as soon as i can after that.

Maybe I Don't Have To Be Nervous About It

when i spoke with the guy last night, when we i'med for around 5 hours, we left it where i thought that monday night would be fine, and he said that it would be fine. and i said that i would know tonight if that would be okay for sure, because i had to look at the schedule for this week and that i would be online at around 8pm. he said that would be fine, that he would definetly be home at that time. so we arranged to meet online at 8:00pm tonight to make sure that tomorrow was okay with my schedule. and it is right now 8:31pm and he hasnt been online yet since i first when on at 8pm. i dont know, he is just becoming irresponsible in my eyes. he really is. and irresponsible is just something that i cant have. the reason that he gave for not i'ming me for the past couple of days is that he was getting back to the hotel when i had already went to bed. which probably wasnt that complicated considering that he was in a state that is 3 hours before our time. so that i do believe. but i am wondering what the reason is that he isnt online now like he said that he would be. i dont know. i have already made a deal with myself that i will stay online and available so that he would be able to see me until 10pm, and then if he isnt on by then, i am signing out and going to bed. i will probably check my email tomorrow morning early before i go to work to see if there is any messages. and see what happens from there. this is annoying me and upsetting me though. because i was so sure that i would be going out that i made plans, made sure that my husband would be home to watch the kids, and i also told my best friend all about it, so that if anything happened she would know and also to call and check up on me tomorrow while i was out. and now i am just up in the air not knowing what is going on. and it is driving me absoluetly crazy that is the only way that i can describe how i am feeling right now. because i hate not knowing what is happening i like having everything planned. well, whatever though. he is losing out and then it will give me one less thing to worry about like i was worrying about everything. he might not have been online since yesterday though because when i looked on his myspace account, he hasnt logged in since yesterday, and normally i have been noticing that he logs in everyday. i am just upset about this, it just seems like i cant depend on anything in my life going smoothly. and you know, i was actually thinking last night that i should like get his phone number or something like that just in case something like this happened, like he couldnt call me because his internet connection went out, which i think that it did one day last week, or something like that. but i figured that i could get that today when we chatted. well, he only has another hour and 15 minutes, and then i am going to log off. i am definetly not going to stay online all night trying to see if he is going to show up. i take all of that back right now, i think that he just came online lets see.....he just came online and said hi, i asked him if anything was up, like.....why werent u on at 8pm, but i didnt say that he responded back and gave no reason, just said that he is here. whatever. so as of right now he is definetly not seeming like mister dependable or punctual that is for sure. so right now, my loser alert is blinking. and lord knows, that i have enough losers that i have to deal with and have dealt with. i dont need another one to deal with. and when i asked him if tomorrow night was okay, he said that it looked okay right now, and for the time he said that he didnt see why not. those just dont sound that definite. well, i guess that we will wait and see.

I'm Nervous

so that guy that i have been chatting with and i met online today again, and we have been chatting for like 5 hours straight. and we have arranged to meet next week, at a restaurant in our area, because we only live like 15 apart or so. i just have to tell him tomorrow night, he said that he would be online then, the definite date, it is between monday and tuesday night, depending on my husbands schedule which he should be telling me tomorrow night so that he can watch the kids when i go. i am incredibly nervous about this, i am scared that he is going to be a weirdo, or it isnt going to turn out okay, or anything like that. or maybe we will really hit it off, and then in the long run it wont work out and he will end up hurting me just like i have been hurt in the past. and i have been hurt sooo bad in the past, i am scared that will happen again. i dont know. and then what if he doesnt like me? well i guess that would be no tragedy because i already have a husband and also there are plenty of other guys out there. auuughhh. i am getting way ahead of myself here i am sure.

An Interesting Saturday

today was a busy, activity filled day for the kids. first we met my parents for lunch at a mcdonalds that had a playground so that they could play and enjoy themselves. which they did. here are some pictures from today:

the kids at the pool:

another picture of my son at the pool:

here is one of my daughter in the pool:

here is one of the kids leaving the house to go to the ice cream shop:

here is them at outside the ice cream shop:

here is another one outside the ice cream shop (i just couldnt get a good picture of the two of them at once:

here is my son in the ice cream shop, mmmm good ice cream:

and here is my daughter in the ice cream shop:

so the kids had fun which was really good. but then we had an incident at night about an hour before they had to go to bed where apparently my daughter threw a shoe and apparently it hit him in the lip, and split both his top and bottom lip open, and he was screaming and gushing blood all over. and she was screaming and saying that she was sorry, i dont know if it was an accident and she was sorry that it happened or if she was sorry because she meant to do it and that it had hurt him so bad. i still didnt get that information from both of them. so anyway it ended up with the bleeding stopping and his lip looking like this:

so that is great, i probably gained another 4 or 5 gray hairs in my head from that. so now my son looks like someone was beating up on him, and he has to go to school on monday. great, and i am sure that he will tell them exactly how he got this too, there goes that mother of the year award for not watching them every minute. not that it is possible too. anyway so that gave me a scare there. i thought for a minute that i was going to have to take him to the hospital to get stitches from the amount of blood that he was gushing. so thankfully i didnt have to do that.

the financial update

well, as much as this sucks to put it on paper like this, and i know that i have mentioned it before, but here it is on paper because i just sat down and figured it out. with reducing all the bills that i would have to pay to a minimum, i would only have 440.00 dollars left per month for rent. and of course, that would be impossible to find a place that is that cheap for rent. at the rate that everything is going, it is getting more and more impossible to find a place to rent that is a 2 bedroom for under 1000 dollars. of course, i would probably be able to just barely scrape it by if i knew that my sons father (husband at this time unfortunately) would be give me the child support that the courts ordered. which i from what i have been figuring out should be around 600 dollars. so then i would be able to make it. except for the fact that considering the fact that he is so lazy and irresponsible that he cant even hold on to a job, or work enough hours to pay the bills like we agreed on now, do you really think if we are not together he is going to be responsible and do that? yeah right. so i cant even think of depending on that, which then translates into i am screwed. so i am stuck with the same crap and same bullshit that i have now. i told my husband today that he was going to have start doing something different with his job because my job has hired 2 new people and there just isnt going to be the overtime anymore like it used to be. it isnt that anyone has told me that, i just know. i see it coming because already we are running out of extra work to do because they are doing it all. we will see if i will even have any extra work to do next week. i might not even be able to do any extra work next week. so i told him that today, and told him that he was going to have to figure something out, and he said well i guess that i am going to have to get a part time job. (which he of course has been saying for a couple of months now, but just hasnt bothered looking, or puts in one application every few weeks and then says that he isnt having any luck.) so we are going to see what happens with that. i said to him today that i didnt want to sign another lease when our lease is up the end of november. so he called me up later after i said that and asked if he would be moving with me. and i didnt give him the impression that he wouldnt be, it is just that i really wish that he wouldnt. and with all that he is so irresponsible etc, you would think that he would have at least one good quality that i could think of that would at least make up for everything a little bit. but i cant think of anything. he is angry all the time, screams at the kids, me, but the kids almost all day, which then gets me stressed out, treats me like crap, is never affectionate towards me, and never wants to have sex. and i am sure that if i took more time, i could go on more and more about it. it is getting to the point that everyone that i talk to keeps telling me to toss him to the curb, look and get someone else, etc. but isnt that easy, i cant just toss him to the curb without having my butt tossed to the curb too. it is so bad that even my dad said that i am wasting my life and time with him and need to get rid of him and look for someone else. so i reminded him that i couldnt look for someone else without having him around right now unfortunately for financial reasons. and he said oh well, screw him then, do it while you are still with him. which shocked me because my dad isnt like that. but that just goes to show you how much crap that i have been through and what my husband puts me through, and what a piece of dirt that he can be. for example, when we were arguing he promised me that his paychecks were going to get signed to me, he hasnt done that once yet. so when i got pissed off about that, he then promised me that he would give me 300 dollars the next 2 paychecks. this paycheck he claimed that he only got 300 dollars, do you think that he gave me the whole thing to put towards the rent? of course not, he gave me 260 dollars, and then made up some crap about why he didnt give me the whole thing. so i got mad at him because he never keeps to what he says, and he told me that he was going to sign the whole thing over to me his next paycheck. yeah right, i dont believe him anymore, and i know that he isnt going to do that. then that guy that i was i'ming hasnt been really contacting me. i got an i'm that he snt on weds night at like 11pm saying that he had internet at the hotel that he was staying at. i was of course not online at that time, so i got it the next day which would have been thursday. so i'med him back saying that was great that he had it, and that i was sorry that we were missing each other and hopefully we would meet online too. that was yesterday that i sent that to him probably at around 8:30pm or so. i havent heard anything from him after that. you know what it is? it just seem like everyone is disappointing me or upsetting me lately, even people that you dont expect to. anyone, we will see what happens with him. i mean he is on a business trip staying in a hotel he has never been at, in a state that he has never been in, so i guess that i understand. whatever, i am not really that worried about it anyway, if he doesnt email or i'm me again or contact me, it will stink cause i was curious to meet him, but at least that will be one less thing for me to worry or get upset about. because it seems like every guy that i have had in my life in the past 4 years, almost 5 years now, has just upset me, hurt me, and broken me. i feel numb inside most of the time, and sometimes i just get to the point that i just dont know how much more that i can handle. so if he doesnt contact me again, at least that is stopping the possible severe hurt that i would feel if something happened between us. great attitude huh?

A Short Update

here is a short update on everything that is going on. the married guy and us getting together to meet, i have decided that isnt going to happen. he is married and i am married, which is just way to complicated for us to both be married, and he has 2 kids too. so that is a no. and he just sent me some recent pictures of himself, and that is a definite no, yes he does have a profession where he makes a good amount of money but he isnt anything to look at so that is a definite no. dont think that i am like that with looks though, the main reason that it is a definite no is because he is married and has kids too. so that is a big no. there is a guy that i have been i'm ing almost everyday for maybe the past 2 or 3 weeks, i dont remember how long it has been now. but i know that i used to i'm him and then about 2 or 3 weeks ago, we started talking back again. i wasnt really logging into to my i'm like i used to. so anyway we started like seriously talking and everything and he wants to meet. and we were talking about how we were and everything. i am just doubting how dependable and responsible he is now. because first he said that he was going to send me an email and he didnt (this was a few days ago), then when i talked to him the next day he claimed that his internet was out. then he told me that even though he was going to out of the state on business starting today, i think until saturday that he would i'm me still. so i have of course been on since about 8:15pm, and he hasnt. however he is in a hotel, and his exact wording was that he would probably be able to, but he was 100% sure if he would be able to. or something to that effect. so whatever. i am not like heart broken or something about it. it isnt like we were involved or anything. i was actually planning on meeting him next week, so we will see what happens with that i guess. i am just feeling weird about it, cause first of all what if he is a killer or stalker or something. and then also i am not that attracted to his looks, i mean he is okay, just not the type that i usually go for. i dont know, with how he hasnt contacted me at all today or anything, we'll see i might not even have anything to worry about. that is it for now.

The Weekend Comes to An End

unfortunately it is now sunday night, and the weekend is coming to an end. which stinks. as usual it went by to quick, and i didnt get as much done as i would have wanted to. today i did get a pretty good amount of things done, i did laundry, went grocery shopping, took the kids to the pool, and took them for ice cream a little bit later after dinner. here is some pictures of them at the pool:

and my kids again. arent they cute. believe it or not this is the first time for a long time that they have been in the pool, even though we have one in our complex where we live and no one really uses it. they just dont keep it that clean, so every time i tried to use it has leaves in it. so it isnt really dirty, just messy. so the kids had a blast in the pool, hopefully i will have the opportunity to take them again.

I Am Exhausted

well, i went with the kids today and did what i had promised that i would take them to today. it was a promise that i made to my daughter that if she was good in school that i would take her. so i took both of my kids, and they had a blast my daughter had the best time of all because she is older then my son, she is 6 and this was more geared to kids her age and up. here is a picture of her, unfortunely the pics that i tried to take of my son all came out dark:


isnt she cute? you cant even really see my son in this picture, if i remember correctly i think that he was sitting behind her during this. at least i got pictures taken my a regular camera that should come out okay. thankfully, the car didnt really act up tonight which is very good. i am glad that it didnt, because i would have been so upset if what i was planning for my daughter i wasnt able to do because of my car.

Car Issues?

i was driving the car today, which is saturday of course, and one of the two days that i run my errands and do what i have to do. and it did that thing again, not as bad that i had to pull off the road, but bad enough that i tried to accelerate and did very slowly and it was shaking really bad. and of course even better now is the fact that i am supposed to be taking the kids somewhere in about 45 minutes which i promised my daughter that i would take her if she was good in school this week. which she was very good. so i am taking her, even though it is probably going to cost me about 100 dollars. at least. so being that this place is about 45 minutes to an hour total away from me, i am keeping my fingers crossed that i get there okay and that the car starts acting well. because i dont have the money or the time to worry about this. never mind the time, the only money that i have is the money that i have been trying to so desperately to hang on to "in case of" and if i use that then i dont have any money saved up. but on the other end of course i need a car to get to work every day, so i would have to spend that money. hopefully the car starts working okay. i am crossing my fingers.

Very Funny

very, very funny. i swear sometimes i really think that someone is really scewing with me in my life. and they are laughing at me when things happen. for example, remember that i didnt want to give him anything and that he only wanted it when he wanted it. well, i said to myself that i wasnt going to give it to him just because he wanted it. so anyway he wanted it last night, and i didnt give it to him. i gave him the excuse that i had that issue that i had, and that i didnt want to because of that. and normally i probably would have anyway, but i didnt. and i just gave him a little of something so he would stop bugging me. and he still whined a couple of times that he wanted it (like the whole thing) so i again used the excuse, and reminded him that about 2-3 weeks ago, and even a week ago i was ready and he wasnt. and now he was ready and i wasnt/couldnt. so i tried to make the point that it cant just revolve around his schedule. lets see if that point really sunk through his brain. the symtoms that i was saying that i had from that thing that i had have been slowly going away, not all better but thankfully a little bit better, so hopefully the way that it looks now i wont have to go the doctors for this, because i really dont want to deal with trying to take any time off work. my husband has been confusing me, i have been inactively cruising around testing the water a tiny bit online seeing what i could find. like for example i have been talking to this guy, not saying what profession that he is but he makes mad money, and he is older so would be more responsible. and he wants to meet after we have been talking for at least 6 months. sounds good right. just an innocent public meeting right? wrong. because he is married. so that is bad on that level alone, and he has kids. and so am i, and so do it. so i dont know. it is just leaving a bad taste in my mouth. i checked on HIS profile and myspace just to make sure that he was alive, because i was curious. and you want to know how long he has been sober since? july 5th, he claims that he hasnt had a drink since. so that would be why i havent heard from him since then. he sounds like he is really happy, good for him i guess. i wish that i was too. he is definetly alive too, by the way because the last time that he updated his myspace was today. oh well, i found out what i wanted to find out, i really dont want to know anymore right now. one thing i do want to think about and should keep reminding myself is that plenty of people have it worse then me. for example, one of my friends is pregnant already has a 2 year old and married the father just to marry him and she alternates between him living there and her kicking him out of the house. she ran out of gas yesterday and was stuck on the side of the road because she didnt have any money to put gas in her car. and it was her daughters birthday yesterday and she didnt have the money to even buy her daughter a cupcake never mind a present. so i guess that i should just try to remember that there are people worse off then me, and that i should be grateful for what i have.

More Stuff......

well, more things now are going on. what else is new? it always has to be something that is going on. something very annoying that happens to women has came back to bother me again. so i got the medicine that i had from last time, one refill left over filled, and took it last night. so lets hope that it helps and that i dont have to get time off work to go to the doctor. my husband has been alternating between having a bad attitude and being really nice to me. one thing that i have deternmined, it has been so long since we have had sex that i dont even remember the last time, i am sure that it has been over 2 weeks. the thing is that i just dont even want it anymore, and not even because of what i have going on with me right now, i just dont want to do that with him. he doesnt appeal to me at all right now, he has just been upsetting me so much lately. probably because he has been acting like such a loser lately. and the other thing that has been bugging me is that he only wants to have sex when he wants it and not at any other times. so now i dont want it. lets see what happens now. you know what the funny thing is though? he doesnt seem to want it either. some marriage right? oh well, we have already established that my marriage is anything but normal.

Never A Dull Moment

well, i did go out with my friend last night like i was planning on, and i got my nose pierced. amazingly enough, it didnt hurt as much as it did when i had it done last year, and i didnt feel like i was going to pass out like i did last year. (i had my nose pierced about a year ago, but i had to take it out because it got infected because i wasnt able to clean it that well because i didnt have power because of the hurricane). so anyway, i got that repierced, same side and everything, and it looks good. i like it. here is a side view of my face with it:

cute right? then me and my friend went out for dinner, and we had a really nice time there, we were there for like about 2 hours just talking and spending time. that was good, we are definetly going to have to do that again.

so you would think that after that nice night, i would have had a good nights sleep. right? wrong. i had a very bad nights sleep, i kept waking up. and i had this dream. it just figures, in real life he has been leaving me alone for about 2 and a half months now, but now he has to mess with me in my head. or maybe i should say that my head is messing with me. because i had this incredibly vivid dream last night, where me and him were at this hotel room in disney world (which ironically enough is where he always said that he wanted to get married) and we were in the hotel room, thoroughly enjoying ourselves, and i commented about his size, and when we finished it was like i couldnt believe how good it was. i also remember that he was lying to his family and so was i, and that we had planned to have this time together, and i think the next day too. and then his brothers came out of the closet, which is even more interesting because one of his brothers i have never met, and it also happens to be his birthday today, and we were very embarassed. i dont really remember them being mad or yelling i just remember them being like yeah it figures, like they had thought that was what was happening. so that was just so upsetting to me, to have that dream, and all of that in it. because it just reminded me, once again, of what i dont have and will not have again with him. so the whole today i was pretty depressed about that, and being reminded of all of that.

then to make things even better, my doctor called me to tell me that one of the routine tests that i had done, he had gotten the results for and that they are abnormal. he said that he wanted to repeat the same test in 3-6 months to compare and see what is happening. so that is wonderful, because that test if it comes back abnormal and keeps coming back like means more testing, and then they would have to find out what is causing it to be like that, because what that tests for is cancer. so now i am paranoid, heck with the 3-6 months, i am going to be there in 3 months to see what is going on. and that is just great that will be right around christmastime. so there is one more thing to upset me and worry me to no end.

Time Out Without My Husband?

well, that is definetly something that i need. because yes, once or twice a week i get the night to myself, but then i am stuck in the house with my kids. so i need sometime for just me. so tomorrow night, even though it is a sunday so i am not going to be able to be out too late, i should be going out for a while. my first stop is to a certain shop, to get a certain something done that my husband was saying for a while that he would get upset with me if i ever got it done again. but i guess over the past year he has chilled out some about it, and now said that if that was really what i wanted whatever, he wasnt going to get mad. i dont even want to say what it is until i have it done, i dont want to jinx it or something. anyway my friend is supposed to be going with me, and then we said that we are going to go somewhere afterward, dont know where yet, but hopefully that all works out okay, and it is a nice time. i am getting more and more upset with my husband, i told him today that i am not going to take more of this anymore, that he needs to get his butt straightened out. and he said, as he has many times, that he will. i am sure that you have now figured out that he didnt sign his paycheck to me and let me handle it like he was promising me last week. no, instead what he did was about the same thing, and he messed up the money again, and spent it all very quickly or did something with it who knows as soon as he got it the same day. i am so upset about that, that it isnt even funny. i just honestly dont know how to handle this anymore. he wont let me handle things so he keeps messing them up, and then he either just barely makes the rent (like last month he was short 40 dollars). this month if doesnt straighten up fast, he is probably going to be a lot more short then that. and i really cant/dont want to do this anymore. i just cant see the point in hm being around anymore, i dont love him, i am sure that i would feel differently if i did. i have been back with him and living with him for almost a year. october 24th makes a year, that is also of course the anniversary of the hurricane that changed my life. and during that almost year, i have been helping him out almost every month with various bills and everything else, he did it on his own maybe 3 or 4 months out of the 12. that is horrible, he just cant seem to hold on to job, and the ones that he can hold, dont pay crap or give him as much hours. i just dont know anymore. that is all i can say for today. that i and i am still upset about my grandfather.

Maybe This Is Payback

i was thinking today about all of the bad and/or heartless things that i have done, and the mean and crappy way that i had treated HIM for a little while before he just never came back, and i was thinking that me being with my husband now, and being basically stuck with him (that is the way that i view it) and the way that he treats me this is just payback or karma for all of the things that i have done. for example tonight, he has been treating me so awful yelling at me if i speak to him and telling me to leave him alone, and i didnt even do anything. i had to go to a open house for my daughters school and after the incident that occured last week, i really wanted to go. so i went there, and when i came back this was what i had to put up with. it is like punishment or something. i was also thinking today and getting sad about my grandfather about how that is one more person that i am not going to get to see again. and then for some reason, it crossed my mind that if i had been pregnant when HE had went on vacation and we had lost our apartment, he wouldnt have left me like that, he would have came back. but that wasnt meant to be i guess. i guess that i need to think of all the bad things that he did, and the things that used to upset me about him. it is just hard to remember them, because i am just so unhappy now. there are so many things that are going on right now that are making me unhappy and depressed, i am also having guilt about not going to see my grandfather 2 weekends ago when my dad went. but i had my kids, and he was in a hospital it just wouldnt have been good to bring them, and i didnt have anyone to watch them, so i didnt go. and now i didnt have a chance to speak with him or say goodbye like everyone else did. which is giving me guilt. well, i guess that is it for now, i am just feeling bad.

I Love You And Miss You Already Grandpa, RIP 08/1/28-09/03/06

i really dont have anything to say right now, which i know is probably a first. that was it. that is how i feel, completely summed up.

Life Can Be Sad Sometimes

well, today was a pretty sad day today. i found out that my grandfather, who my dad went up to see last weekend, and i of course wasnt able to see because i had the kids, died last night. i found out today, i dont know why my dad took so long to tell me. that is sad for me. it isnt like me and him were incredibly close, but i have a lot of good memories of him treating me good when i was little. he also came to my wedding, (the second one) to my now husband. (the butt head) i am telling you, what i really need to do is get some money together or figure something out so that i can get rid of him. he is getting on my last nerve today, i swear. he has been being mean to the kids, yelling at them constantly, and making my nerves shot because of how unhappy i am right now. but anyway, getting off that subject. my grandfather was a good man, he always treated me nice and was good to me. and my kids too. my kids were his first (and only, that i know of) great grandkids) and he was always sending them things for their birthdays and holidays. and he went out of his way to go to my wedding, and gave us a very generous wedding gift. which was nice. i guess i am even more sad that i didnt get to not only say goodbye, or even see him lately or talk to him, i guess that the other thing is that i only have one more grandparent left, which is my father's mother. and she is really not doing that good right now either. my mothers parents have been gone ever since i was 14 (my grandfather) and when i was 20 (my grandmother). and now my grandfather on my dads side now, when i am 25. and then of course my mother's brother (my uncle) when i was 23. i am just sad right now i guess, thinking about all of the people that i am never going to see again. and this is just one more person added to that list. i am going to try to look around for a good picture of him if i can find one, so that i can post it up here. i dont even know how old that he was, i am guessing that he was in his 80's, but i dont know exactly how old. i am going to try to find out. i have just felt so much loss, and then my husband made me feel even more wonderful by saying that death usually comes in threes, and who is going to next. and he offered me like no sympathy, you could tell that he really didnt give a crap. not even like he tried to act like he cared, he just let you know that he didnt care.

More Things To Upset Me

well, the first thing to upset me was that my husband was more short on his share of the bills then he originally thought that he would be. he was actually 300 dollars short, as he is every month, because he now doesnt bother giving me any money at all towards the groceries like we had originally agreed on. he was also short another 40 dollars on the rent, the day that it was due which was yesterday, so i of course had to scramble around to locate 40 dollars of my money so that we could pay it. and then he is telling me not to get upset about it or make a big deal about it, because last night my friend did watch the kids and we went out. it took me 2 and a 1/2 hours to get from my house to her house to get the kids there and dropped off. and that whole time was spent in the car, and it isnt that she is that far from my house normally it would take me 45 minutes the most, but because of the weather, and accidents caused by it, it just took me so much longer. we went out to dinner, and then we went to a bar shot two games of pool and he had 2 drinks and then we went home. he kept saying that he was tired, and it seemed to me that he wasnt that thrilled about being out. even though he kept claiming that it was just that he was tired. i dont know. then my daughter got me very upset because she did something very bad in school yesterday, and that is just piling on the stress and me getting upset with her about it, and worrying about if any further action will be taken or if she will ever do anything like it again, and if she does what would happen then. our rent is going to be raised the 75 dollars a month if we sign another lease again, and we are supposed to sign the lease again the end of november for december 1st. i am just so scared about signing another lease, because he can barely pay the rent now, what is going to happen when it goes up another 75 dollars a month? i cant have another eviction on my credit, my credit is horrible as it is, i dont want it to get worse. and that is what i am scared of. my husband got me upset last night with the 40 dollars short thing, because the problem with him is that he cashes his check and within maybe an hour money disappears, he doesnt tell me how much disappears or how much his check was originally for. or he lies to me about it. and he also doesnt tell me where the money is going. after how upset i have been lately with him about that, he said that he was going to sign his checks over to me and let me handle them and put them in my bank. like all of the things that he has said that he will do and doesnt do, lets see if he actually does it. because i do know one thing i am reaching the end of my road, and i cant take much more of this. and if he wont change the way that he does things, then i am going to have to start changing things that i do. and i will tell you one thing, he wont like it. and one more thing, yes the sexual frequency was going up a little bit and it was a little bit better then usual, but the problem with that is that he has to want it and approach me about it. whenever i am feeling like i want it, and he doesnt want to deal with it, screw me, tough luck, i dont get touched. i get a raised eyebrow and an i'm tired. which i guess that i should be used to by now. i think that i need to find a playmate on the side. it doesnt have to even go anywhere, i just need more attention and affection then it seems that he will ever give me. who knows if i will ever do anything like that though. its one thing for me to be with HIM for example when i am living with my husband, i dont know if i would ever be able to keep myself from doing that. but it is another thing for me to start up something new with someone new, or a new relationship with someone. here is a recent picture of me, it isnt that great though:


i look like i am ready to kill somebody right? i didnt know that they were going to be taking the picture at that moment. oh well.

i will leave you with a not so recent but better one of me: