More Dreams...

i had a dream it wasnt last night it was the night before last, and HE was in it again, and i dont remember all of the details again. all i remember again was that i was so incredibly happy. i just wish that i could have such a feeling in real life, that would be wonderful. i am officially an employee at my job now, official 2 days ago on tuesday, and it is a good feeling, and i am also happy knowing about the benefits that will be soon to come, and when i will be starting to receive them. so that is something that makes me happy. i was incredibly sick last night, fever, no energy, chills, etc and my stomach was killing me. my daughter was also sick during the day yesterday, and she threw up. she was with her dad at the time, so he was the lucky one that got to do clean up. so i guess that we had a touch of something, i am just happy that during the night my fever broke, and i felt a little bit better today. that was very good. especially being that reading my companys handbook that i was just given, it seems that their absence policy is stricter then my old companies. which is making me very nervous, especially being that i have a son who is 3 and in daycare/preschool and if he is sick they wont take him, and i would have stay home with him and miss work. so that isnt good. i have to have my manager explain it to me better, because i dont think that i explain it. it does have me a little worried though, because the way that it sounds it sounds like something that will be very difficult for me adhere to with having children. i have been thinking about HIM a lot lately, probably more then usual because i had to drop my rent check off and when the office is that i have to drop it off at is where my old apartment is. they are still repairing and no one lives there yet, but just seeing what is left of it, and what they are rebuilding and the neighborhood and everything gets me upset big time every time. i was actually thinking of emailing him to see what is up, but i dont think that i want to start talking to him again so that i can be reminded of what i dont have again, i think that it will make me feel worse. i really dont know what i should do. i was also thinking of just waiting until he calls at his usual time in the beginning of the month in the middle of the night, and try to talk to him. but i dont think that i want to do that, plus that is if he even calls. his pattern has been that he calls either the first or the second weekend of the month, late saturday night early sunday morning, and then hangs up with no message, it has been 3/4, 4/8, and 5/6. which means that following this pattern it would be either this coming weekend or the following weekend when i will be in another state on vacation. but what i should really do is just push him out of my mind, it is just bugging the heck out of me that i cant do that. everything reminds me of him and what happened and the good times and the bad, and the things that i did and that he did. it is just a constant memory lane. and i should be happy, i suppose, that i still have someone to be with and to help take care of me, no matter what an a*s that he is at times, but i am not. me and my husband have been together on and off for over 4 years. we were living together for approx 7 months, then we got married and were together for about 1 year and 3 months, then we were seperated for almost 2 years. (which is when i was with HIM for a year and 3 months of that time) now we have been back together again since october which would be almost 8 months now. so that is it, counting together we have been a total of about 2 and a half years, because for the other 2 years we were seperated. it is just so hard. he just really doesnt act like he cares about me or anything else at times, and it hurts so much.