Scary Dreams

i had a really horrible vivid dream last night, i dreamt that my house was burning down and there was nothing that i could do about it. i also dreamt that there was a fire extinguisher there, but i didnt even try to grab it or use it. i just looked at it and let everything burn. it was really scary, it reminded me of the hurricane and how quickly that you can lose all of your belongings and the things that you love. it just made me feel worse, about everything and myself. today at work i had a scare, i asked to make sure that they were aware of the days off that i had requested and that it was okay, and apparently they werent aware of it. so that wasnt good. the agency that i am technically employed through didnt tell my job, or didnt tell the right people. luckily it ended well though, because my supervisor approved it. i was getting really nervous and upset though. the director asked me today how much the agency was paying me and which agency that it was, and told me that she was submitting my application, so now i suppose that i have to wait and see what happens. i really hope that everything goes okay with that. i think that the next step is that once everything goes through, i have to sit down with the big managers and they make me an offer. i am really nervous about this know, i like the job, and i want to have it. that would be a relief to me. my husband made me happy today because he cooked dinner and watched the kids while i got my nails done tonight. but then he got me upset because i mentioned to him that he might have to help me for about a month to a month and a half giving me extra money to have someone watch my daughter who will be out of school. so instead of saying i will try or something like that he basically said no it is your problem. and you know what? i said to him it isnt just my problem, you tell me that you want me to work and that i have to work, well then it is your problem to. because if i dont have the money to pay someone to watch her then i cant work. he didnt have an answer to that. i already know that he isnt going to help. it is just bulls**t. it isnt like i am working because i want to, or that after bills i have hardly any money left over. things like this are supposed to be both of our problems, and not just mine. but it seems like that is always the way that it is, when it comes to money he just gives me what is agreed upon (if i am lucky) and that is it. after that he doesnt want to know nothing. i am finding it harder and harder to cope with everything that is happening. i have so many things that are going on, it is horrible. i am just so unhappy, it seems like i am happy for a brief moment and then i am miserable again. i was talking to my friend who occasionally watches my kids overnight for me, and she had said that she would be able to watch them for me not this weekend but next weekend either friday or saturday night, but at this moment i am not even sure if i want to go. because i am going to end up paying for most of it, and my husband is not making me happy at the moment. it just seems like not much makes me happy anymore. the only thing that i have really been looking forward to lately is going to visit my best friend in the beginning of june. that is it. i really am not looking forward to anything else. i have like no money, i can barely pay my bills, i am maxing out the credit cards and money that i am supposed to be saving for emergencies because i need things, groceries, etc, and for example my sons birthday. i had to throw him a party, and i of course had no help. what am i going to do. so instead of looking forward to things, for example like mothers day, when i am supposed to be taking my mom out to lunch, instead i am thinking about how much that it is going to cost, and knowing that it is just going to be taking out of the money that i am supposed to be saving. i could go on and on. it seems like i am just not happy at all anymore. or if i am it is just for a brief fleeting moment. then it is gone again.