"I Have Been Known To Cause A Few Breakups"

from "Alcohol" sung by Brad Paisley

i have been really depressed today, i have been thinking so many stupid things. i have been thinking of how much i miss HIM. which is a pretty stupid thing to do, because before the hurricane happened to me/him/us i was actually considering going back to my husband because i wasnt happy with him. and it was probably that whole grass greener on the other side thing. because now that i am back with my husband, i wish that i had never asked him for a break. and i want him back, and i am kicking myself. but i have to remember that i was unhappy with him, definetly not as unhappy as i am now, that is for sure, but i was still a little bit unhappy. i am sure that he still has the same issues and mentality that caused me to be unhappy with him. i dont know what it is. i guess that i am just so unhappy right now, i am just looking for anything. i dont know. me and him probably would have still seperated and split up anyway, when we lost our apartment because of the hurricane. anyway, like i said i have been having some stupid thoughts like while i am visiting my friend in the beginning of next month, going to see him. that is a stupid thought on so many levels. the first dumb thing would be that it would take me 4 hours one way to get there from my friends and then another four hours to get back. so that would be 8 hours driving time. and then there is the other factor that i am supposed to be visitig my friend and my godson so that would be pretty rude. and then finally there is the question of what would we end up doing? we would either talk and he would tell me awesome his life is, or what happened last time might happen again. which was that we talk about the old times and he tells me that he misses me and still loves me and we end up having sex, it is so moving and wonderful and then i am without him again. so either way would probably stink. if the last time which was only about 2.5 months after we broke up that happened, why would anything different happen when we were broken up 6.5 months? nothing different would happen. i already know the answer to that. and then finally i dont really want to cheat on my husband, not that he is that great or making me feel good at all about myself, or even acting like he gives a crap about me at all lately, but i dont want to cheat on him. i am sure that i would feel really bad about that afterward. not to mention that, as stated above, it wouldnt make any difference. everything is just depressing me lately. i dont know what it is, probably the fact that i am not taking medicine or seeing my therapist. at all. for like the past month. this is not good. i can feel myself going lower and lower. i want so many things that i cant seem to have, number one is that i want to be happy (in general), then of course with that being first, i want to have another be able to stay home with my kids and take care of them instead of paying other people to do. there are tons of other things too. it just seems that everything is not making me happy, and i really dont care about anything more, and at the bottom of the list of things that i dont care about is me. i care least of all about myself. i was considering emailing HIM and just seeing what he wants, but what is the point? he only calls me when he is drunk, and if we have a sober conversation he will just be telling me how great everything is going for him and make me more upset (if that is possible.) and then if we have a conversation with him being drunk, then he will still get me upset because he will be saying how much he misses me and still loves me, just like he has numerous times in the past. i dont know. things are just not going well. at all. i am getting those urges back again too, really strong. i am just so unhappy. everything sucks.