The Lose Of More Trust

well i have been really feeling like i just cant trust my husband anymore. i have lost so much of that trust. because if he can hide and go out of his way to hide (like taking a shower as soon as he gets home when i am not home) something like smoking, then lord knows what else he is hiding or can hide. and if he can keep from telling me something like the fact that he started smoking again, then lord knows what else he isnt telling me or could not tell me. it just has me thinking now. i already know how sneaky that he can be from past experience, and this is just reminding me. so i said to him today, if you want to smoke that is fine, but the doctor said that if you keep smoking very soon you will be carrying around oxygen, and if you are carrying that around i am sure that you arent going to be able to work or it would be very difficult to find any. and i am definetly not (it is out of the question) going to support all of us by myself. so that would be it. so maybe that gave him something to think about. probably not. i seriously doubt if it made any difference.

then speaking of things to remind me, someone called today with the same last name as HIM, and the memories just came flooding back again. it is so crazy, how i just cant seem to get him out of my head. i believe (from what i have been looking back at) that the last time that me and him had a conversation (drunk or normal) was on march 4th which would be when we were having that conversation while he was in the bathroom. the last time that he called me (and it was very late at night/early in the morning, it was at 12:10am), he didnt leave a message or anything, just hung up, that was on the early morning of sunday april 9th. so it has been a very long time since we had an actual conversation, whether drunk or otherwise, and it has been a while also since he has called me and hung up when he was drunk late at night. it has been almost 2 months since we have had a conversation, and it has been about 2 weeks since the last hang up call late at night. so who knows maybe i will be getting another one of those soon. it always crosses my mind whenever i get one of those that i want to call him back, but i havent lately probably because i know that there is no point in it.

and yet more things to make me stressed about, i try to call today to find out more information about my ticket, and the clerk of courts who are the ones that handle it, told me that they had to be able to see the ticket in order to tell me how much that it was going to be, and that i would have to wait another 2 weeks and then they would be able to have it and be able to tell me how it is going to cost me. so that is great more anticipation. wonderful. and of course they also only give you 30 days to pay it in, so if you are using 2 of those weeks to wait for how much it is, you figure it out. but they did say that they understand that and they are willing to make allowances for you. and that there wont be any penalties. so hopefully that is true.