Some Things In Life Suck

okay at times it seems that a lot of things in life suck, and that very few things dont suck. for example, i was in an accident in january where i was stopped at a stop sign and someone rammed right in the back of me because they werent paying attention, well the exact same thing happened yesterday too. and like the last time there was now more damage to my car, and they didnt have insurance and were driving an old car. so what else is new. the car that i have so much pride in and love and have to pay on every month someone messed up. and with the deductible that i have, there isnt any point in filing it with my insurance. so basically i am paying for a dented car that i cant fix right now. as for my work i have just been getting like a bad feeling about it, i do know that i made an error before i left today and i filed something wrong, and i think that i did something wrong yesterday too. i just keep getting the feeling like i am not doing well. i dont know. when i go in on monday i will ask my supervisor about what i think that i did wrong, and if it was wrong what i can do to correct it. i just keep feeling like i dont know my time there is limited. maybe i am just being paranoid, i really hope that is what it is. and then from the accident that i had yesterday my back and neck have been really hurting the exact same way that they were from the last accident that i had. which really stinks because this sunday we are having a party for my sons third birthday. i shouldnt even really say we are having a party, i should say that i am having a party for him because as usual his dad isnt contributing anything. and i am doing and planning everything. not that i dont like planning everything but it would definetly be nice if he would give me some money for it. that would be really good. but i know that it isnt going to happen. and i just realized today from looking at him that he needs a haircut so i am going to try to have that done tomorrow, so there we go more money i am going to have to spend. well whatever one the money is gone it is gone and there is no more fun. and me doing everything. along the money lines, my husband was watching him 2 days a week, and not working those days, but now he (with my approval of the place) is most likely putting him in a daycare/preschool those 2 days so that he can work both of those days and make extra money. i really hope that it happens. because then he will have more money and be able to help me out more. he already told me that he will give me more money a month for groceries and everything so that wouold be good. i really hope that it actually happens though, knowing the way that he can be. i guess we will see.

My Job, And Some Good Feedback

well today was a pretty good day at work, it was busy and crazy as usual, but i can handle that. i am used to it from my old job, so it doesnt bother me. the good thing was that my direct sup put in a really good word for me with the highest supervisor in the building about how good it was doing and what should be done about that. so nothing has happened about that yet, but i am really glad that i found that out. because even though i havent heard anything negative from anyone about me, like what needs improvement or anything like that, i also dont hear much positive either. which is probably a good thing because usually in my experience companies only tell you something when they think that you are doing something wrong.

i talked to my therapist today, briefly, because she called me to ask me something about my insurance, and i told her about how it was getting switched the beginning of may and that my copay was going up and about changing the amt of visits per month, and she said something about talking about it when she saw me tomorrow, and working something out. so lets see what that means.

The Lose Of More Trust

well i have been really feeling like i just cant trust my husband anymore. i have lost so much of that trust. because if he can hide and go out of his way to hide (like taking a shower as soon as he gets home when i am not home) something like smoking, then lord knows what else he is hiding or can hide. and if he can keep from telling me something like the fact that he started smoking again, then lord knows what else he isnt telling me or could not tell me. it just has me thinking now. i already know how sneaky that he can be from past experience, and this is just reminding me. so i said to him today, if you want to smoke that is fine, but the doctor said that if you keep smoking very soon you will be carrying around oxygen, and if you are carrying that around i am sure that you arent going to be able to work or it would be very difficult to find any. and i am definetly not (it is out of the question) going to support all of us by myself. so that would be it. so maybe that gave him something to think about. probably not. i seriously doubt if it made any difference.

then speaking of things to remind me, someone called today with the same last name as HIM, and the memories just came flooding back again. it is so crazy, how i just cant seem to get him out of my head. i believe (from what i have been looking back at) that the last time that me and him had a conversation (drunk or normal) was on march 4th which would be when we were having that conversation while he was in the bathroom. the last time that he called me (and it was very late at night/early in the morning, it was at 12:10am), he didnt leave a message or anything, just hung up, that was on the early morning of sunday april 9th. so it has been a very long time since we had an actual conversation, whether drunk or otherwise, and it has been a while also since he has called me and hung up when he was drunk late at night. it has been almost 2 months since we have had a conversation, and it has been about 2 weeks since the last hang up call late at night. so who knows maybe i will be getting another one of those soon. it always crosses my mind whenever i get one of those that i want to call him back, but i havent lately probably because i know that there is no point in it.

and yet more things to make me stressed about, i try to call today to find out more information about my ticket, and the clerk of courts who are the ones that handle it, told me that they had to be able to see the ticket in order to tell me how much that it was going to be, and that i would have to wait another 2 weeks and then they would be able to have it and be able to tell me how it is going to cost me. so that is great more anticipation. wonderful. and of course they also only give you 30 days to pay it in, so if you are using 2 of those weeks to wait for how much it is, you figure it out. but they did say that they understand that and they are willing to make allowances for you. and that there wont be any penalties. so hopefully that is true.

And Some Of The Truth Comes Out

well well well big surprise. i caught my husband today smoking a cigarette and on further inquisition i found out that he has been smoking at least 1-2 per day. which isnt good considering that he had quit because it was taking away his energy and it was also hurting his lungs even more then they already are. a doctor already told him that his lungs were double in size and that if he kept smoking he would carrying around an oxygen tank. so obviously, this is not one of the most smartest decisions that he has ever made. this is definetly a very dumb one, when he lit up that first cigarette when he was doing so good. i am not mad at him, i am really not, i am just very disappointed in him, because he was doing so good. and the last time that he quit and started smoking, he did start off slow like this, and then he started back to his smoking a pack a day again. and i just realized that my son was trying to tell me that his dad was smoking again and i was thinking that it was from something before. (he is just turning 3, so it is hard to understand him sometimes). oh well, there isnt much that i can do. if he is going to smoke, he is going to smoke. i am not his mother, and i am not going to act like i am. if he wants to smoke, then whatever. i have enough stress going on with this ticket, going away, work and everything else. i am not going to worry about this. the only thing that i can say is that i was so proud of him because this was a real accomplishment for him, and it was something good for his health, and he ruined it. i am just so disappointed in him. that is all. very disappointed. it makes me very sad.

I GIVE UP

i really do, i give up. i surrender, i am waving my white flag, i want a truce i give up. i understand that my life is never going to be easy and something is always going to happen, but really does it have to be one thing after another? i can only handle so much, i am so ready to lose it, and then what do you think happens after how upset that i was last night? i got pulled over today and got a ticket. lord knows how much the ticket is going to be for, because it isnt listed with a price next to it. i suppose that i should be happy that i didnt get the other 2 tickets that he could have given me and i just got this one. but still, why does it always seem like it always happens to me. know lord knows how much this ticket is going to be for, and lord also knows how i am going to pay it depending on how high it is. and there goes me trying to keep points off my liscense too, because from what i have heard this certain offense carries 3 points. wonderful. and i have been trying to find out how much this is going to be, but because it is saturday everywhere is closed. i am just hoping that when i try to find out this information on monday that someone will be able to tell me, or you know what? probably with my luck i will be left in suspense some more and not know how much i am in for. and this time i didnt even play around with it either, i told my husband about the ticket and that i wasnt sure how i was going to pay it, and i said and if i cant pay it eventually they will suspend my license and i cant go to work. and he said (i dont know if it was sarcastically or seriously) well i guess i will just have to get a second job in a fast food restaurant to pay for your ticket. i really dont care what you do, but you are going to have to help me pay for it, if you want me to keep going to work everyday. because license suspended equals not being able to drive to get to work everyday. and being that he doesnt have a license it isnt like he could drive me to work.

and then if it wasnt good enough right now, i found an anklet that HE bought me on a special outing that we had all went on as a family for a special occasion. so i have been wearing it on and off which has been nice because i really liked it but it is also bad because it makes me miss him and everything that i had then and the way that it was then.

"Something With A Little More Edge And A Little More Pain"

"She's My Little Whiskey Girl, My Ragged On The Edges Girl."
from "Whiskey Girl" sung by Toby Keith

alright this sucks. it seems like this is how my life always is, whenever i look forward to something i never get it. or something goes wrong. or i have it and i lose it. something always happens. i am so upset right now. i was supposed to be going out tonight, which i have been looking forward to ever since like a week ago. i even got my nails redone 3 days early (last night) and got a pedicure last night (which isnt something that i usually have done, i usually do it myself). and then when i call my so-called friend today she says oh by the way you are going to have to drive here and meet us, because we arent leaving from my house and going in one car like i had said that we would. she claimed that it was because of she had a spare tire on her car, and didnt want to drive on it but still, it sucks. the other girl had a car, but she didnt want to meet me she just wanted to leave. so that was it. she said oh well just come meet us, she wanted me to drive over 50 miles (one way) , by myself in an area that i dont ever go to, that is also a bad area. i have only been in this area (with other people) like 4 other times, and 2 times out of that i have gotten lost. then i actually went near this area once by myself now that i think about it about a year ago, and i got lost for an hour. so i, of course, ended up not going. which my husband was of course thrilled about, because he didnt want me to go in the first place. (because heaven forbid i should have fun without him being right up in what i am doing.) so my night consisted of laying down in bed because i had a migraine, and then just checking my email and watching tv. oh! and lets not forget the ever exciting balancing my checkbook and paying some bills. so, all ranting aside, this was a huge depressing disappointment. so tyn, if you call me, and i dont answer my phone, it is because instead of being out having fun like i told you i would be, i am most likely sleeping because i have nothing better to do.

I Can't Get You Out Of My Head

i really wish that HE would just get out of my head. again last night i dreamt of him luckily (or unluckily i guess depending on how you look at it) i dont remember what the dream was of. but i definetly know and remember that it was about him again. two nights in a row having a dream with him in it or of him is starting to really get to me. i wish that i could just let it go, let it all go, and on the surface i am definetly doing a lot better with it, but i guess that deep in my mind i just cant really let it go. he is always there somewhere, and something always seems to remind me. it is really upsetting me, because if it isnt bad enough that there is always something reminding me when i am awake, now when i am sleeping he is there too. aauuuggghhhh!

I'm Dreaming...

last night i dreamt of HIM. i dreamt that he came back and he wanted to be with me and i was trying to decide who to be with either him or my husband. and my husband actually said something to me like i just want you to be happy i dont care who you pick, which i found really interesting because in real life he would probably be ready to kill if i picked someone over him and he knew about it. i woke up before i had made my decision so who knows who i would have picked. so that dream had be fairly upset and was on my mind all day. and then my daughter made it worse when out of nowhere she said to me that she misses HIM. so i was honest with her and i said that i miss him too but i told her about all the good things that we have in our lives now. (which trust me was really hard for me, because lately i find it really hard to find the good in anything). so that was it, and she left it at that. but you know what that tells me? it tells me that if my child, who isnt even 6 yet, is telling me that she misses him, it is no wonder that i still miss him. maybe i dont feel so stupid about still not being over him yet. i dont know.

Girls Just Wanna Have Fun

yes,yes, we all know what song that is from. sung by Cindi Lauper of course, song is that same lyric.

i did have an okay easter sunday, my parents came over, and me and my mom shared cooking the easter dinner. and we spent some time with them. then after they left we (me and my husband) took the kids outside to play and blow bubbles. they had fun, and better yet i got a clean car out of it, because while we were outside my husband washed my car. so that was nice. i am supposed to be taking the car to the mechanics on saturday morning and that is also the same morning that i have an appointment for son at his doctor for his checkup. and also i have been talking to my friends from my old job about going out one night, and unfortunately saturday night was out, and they want to go out on friday night and we have already made plans. so that means that i am going to be out really late on friday night (into sat morning) and i am have to wake up really early on saturday morning. oh well hopefully it will be worth it. i cant remember the last time when i had a girls night out. it would always be all the girls and then my ex-boyfriend. and one of their boyfriends. it was never just girls. so this should be fun. especially since the last time that i went out by myself was in january and we all know what happened then. i was supposed to be just going out with some friends then, and look what happened with me and my "friend". well that is not going to happen this time. the major reason of course being that HE is not here. (as far as i know, then again i havent actually spoken to him in quite a while, god knows where he is or what he is doing. ) but in any case, i am not going to be doing that. i just want to have some fun. for once, and not have to think about anything. that would be good.

not have to worry about the bills, or not having the money for anything. or about the fact that it seems that they are changing my cobra insurance so that my therapist appts are going to be costing me double. so they are going to be going from $15 per week to $30 per session (week). so i just cant do that. that would be going from 60 per month, to 120 per month. or i can stay on the same ins and pay 40 dollars more a month for it. which i really cant, i cant even pay the bills that i have now. so the only solution that i can come up with right now is to ask the therapist if i can see her every other week, i dont know how she is going to react to that. but i just cant afford it any other way. and that is just what i am going to have to tell her.

my husbands job seems to be going good (knock on wood) he came home on saturday night all excited saying that they had told him that they would like for him to stay later like a 1/2 hour to an hour and 1/2 every day because they liked him and he was doing really good and he was a good worker. so that is good, i really hope that this does start working out for him. the only problem that i have been seeing so far is that doing this he just doesnt make enough to really help me with everything, he just makes enough to barely pay his bills and that is it. so i guess we will just have to wait and see how it goes when the hours go up. (fingers crossed)

Here Comes Peter Cottontail.....

hopping down the bunny trail....yes i know easter is tomorrow, but i have all of those songs stuck in my head because i took my kids to an easter egg hunt this morning. and they did really well, my daughter even picked up a special egg to win a prize, and won a easter basket because of it. and yesterday my son won the coloring contest that they had at my job, and he won a huge basket because of that too. so they have been doing really well this easter so far. then after that i also took them to a spring festival, and they had fun there too. my daughter had a lot of fun during that, because my son is still little he didnt get to do as much as her, but he had fun too. so that was nice, that was about it for today, just trying to make sure that i have everything ready for tomorrow. me and my daughter also dyed easter eggs tonight. thats about it though.

"This Is How You Remind Me Of What I Really Am"

from "How You Remind Me" sung by Nickelback

i know that i havent updated this in a while. i have just been tired when i am coming home from work every night, and nothing really new and interesting has been going. my therapist was trying to analyze why my husband might be upset about me going on vacation out of state in june, and her theory was that he doesnt feel secure with me because he doesnt know that i really love him and he also doesnt know that i wouldnt cheat on him. well, gee i wonder why he doesnt know those things. so yeah. anyway. the job is okay, busy, but i am treated well, so i like that. it makes up for being so busy. i feel very respected here, which is a big deal for me. that and the location is good and the money is better, so that is good. my mom is getting on me about my son again, about saying that he has certain disabilities, mind you no one has ever said this but her. and he is still young, he will be 3 in a couple of weeks. who knows. i told her that he is still to young and that i wasnt going to pursue this until he got older, if he was still showing the same things that she claimed that she was seeing. that hasnt really gotten her off my back though, unforunately.

HE is always on my mind, which is really starting to upset me again, because just as i start to get better something happens to set me off again. i would consider changing my phone number just so that he cant call me anymore, but that is to much of a big deal, so many people have my number i have had the same number for about 2 to 3 years. so i dont want to do that. i dont know. it is like everytime my phone rings, in the split second before it clicks that it is someone else (because i have certain rings on my cell for certain people), i always think/wish? that it is him. that is horrible. i need to stop.

my husband is okay i guess he still has his times where he just gets in a really foul mood, and snaps at everyone. about the him getting the second job, he still hasnt heard anything back from the one that he was waiting for a response on, so maybe that means that he didnt get it. i really hope not, i really want him to get the other one so he can give me more time to me. also we reallllyyyyy need the money. with the job that he has he can just barely pay the rent, and nothing left for like groceries or anything else, which i need help with because i cant do it by myself. so i am still hoping on that.

More Stuff

well he still hasnt heard if he got the job that he was waiting on the response from yet. now he is claiming that they just told him that there was a background check that would be done, and he of course isnt sure if they will not hire him because of something from 10 years ago that will show up. so that is wonderful. there goes my hopes of having him out of the house for another extra couple of hours a day, well i shouldnt be so negative. maybe he will still get it. i hope so, not even for the him being out of the house, but also for the extra money that we need. (even though i am sure that i will barely see any of it, i am just hoping for money for groceries). he upset me again today, it seems like it is daily thing now, because i was getting upset about my car, and thinking that there was something really serious wrong with it. so i freaked out of course, about the money to fix it. and instead of saying something like, oh well lets see whats wrong well work it out or anything like that, instead he says oh well it is your problem, it isnt my car. so i of course got furious with him. it turns out it is probably nothing serious, knock on wood, but the point remains that it seems that at times when i need his support he isnt there to give it.

my job seems to be going well at this time, i really feel like i have a better grasp on what it is that i need to do, and how i need to handle everything. i also know that i definetly have a better grasp on the way that the systems work, which is a very good thing. i am not lost anymore. which is very good.

you know, regarding HIM, i wonder if he thinks about me and everything in the past as much as i think about him and everything. i can say that when i at work i dont really think about him, because i am so busy that i cant really think about anyone. but outside of work, he is never that far from my thoughts. obviously when he is drunk and calling me he is thinking about me, but i have to wonder if when he is sober he thinks about me too. probably not, he is probably to busy with his girlfriend, who he has now been with for about 5-6 months. because he hooked up with her not even 3 days after he left/broke up/abandoned (whatever you want to call it) with me. yes i am probably very pathetic because it has been so long and i still think about him a lot, but maybe it is mostly because i am thinking of the good times that were had, and not that i am mostly missing him. i dont know, i do know that i wish i didnt think of him so much or at all. i just wish that i could get him out of my head, and pretend that the year and three months that we were together and lived together didnt exist. but even if it didnt exist for me, my children especially my daughter would still remember. because every once in a while, she will make a comment about him. and then she will remind me again too. i just cant win.

As I Suspected

well there are a lot of things that have been going on lately that are as i suspected that they were going to go. the first thing was that, we did get to go out on friday night, which was nice. my son did throw a fit when i left him at my friends house so that she could watch him, but luckily he got over it rather quickly. also as i figured i spent a lot of money, over one hundred dollars on the night, with sitter and everything else. but it was a nice night, we didnt argue or anything. we went to dinner and then we went to a bar and had some drinks and shot a few games of pool. it was a nice night. but then of course the rest of the weekend had to be crappy to make up for the nice time that we had. it wasnt that the weekend was bad because of anything that i could do, it was bad because of his attitude and the way that he was all weekend. he bit my head of all weekend, snapped at me and yelled at me for everything. his only excuse was that he was in a bad mood. i did manage to get my nails filled this sat night, and he of course whined about that too. then this afternoon he had an interview with a place, and he had said that he wanted me to take him, and then i asked him if he really wanted me to take him and then he said not to worry about it that he would go himself, so then on the way home he fell off his bike, and got hurt and thought that he had broken his hand. and he actually blamed me saying that if i had taken him like he had asked me too that he wouldnt have gotten hurt. that was the way that it was all weekend, he was whining and complaining about everything. i couldnt do anything right. i had also told him that i wanted my parents to come over this coming sunday for easter, and he had said okay. and now he swears that he didnt say anything and that he is going to make sure that he isnt home because he doesnt want to see them. i really dont know what is his problem lately, he is so miserable. he hasnt gotten the second job yet, the one that he just interviewed for today, told him that they didnt need him for the hours that he was asking for, he still has another one that he is waiting on, he doesnt know if he has gotten it yet. i really hope that he does get one, he seems like he is getting worse and not better with the way that he is with me. he is also whining even more about how boring the job that he has right now is, so lord knows how long that is going to last.

as for my job, it is okay i guess. i may have a problem with it. on friday, i stopped doing the training that i was doing and actually just started taking the calls like is part of my job. which was good, in my opinion i think that i did well, i handled everything and asked for help as needed with things that i didnt know how to do. the problem could have came when it was 5pm, and it was time for me to go home. i had been told before that if there was still things to do i had to do them, and there was a lot of things to do. so many that if i had to do them i probably would have been there quite a while longer, but my direct supervisor just told me that i could go, so i left. but that is not something that he is supposed to do. and i dont know if he is able to/or is going to keep doing it. the problem is that the work load is so big, and there is just me and my supervisor doing it. so there may be a problem. i dont know. i just hope that they hire more help soon, and that should resolve this problem.

about the whole HIM situation again, i just find it odd that he would call me at a time that late when i am sure that he would know that i would be sleeping and then he would hang up without even leaving a message. the theory that i have, which i am sure is correct, is that he was drunk again and it was just the usual drunk call. and had i been awake or answered, it would have been the same thing as usual. it is just upsetting because it has been 3 weeks since the last call and hang up that he did. so just when i start to get him out of my head, or at least make a tiny drop of success with doing it, something happens to get him completely and totally on my brain again. it is driving me nuts. i am really considering just calling him, and asking him why the hell he keeps calling me and then hanging up. the one thing that is stopping me is knowing the answer to that question, it is because he is drunk and is having those feelings that he has when he is drunk. i dont know, part of me wants to call him so bad.

The Usual No Message Call

well luckily something told me to take my phone off ring and to put it on vibrate last night before i fell asleep, and when i woke up this morning there was a missed call on my phone with no voice mail. yep, you guessed it, it was from HIM. he called at 12:10am this morning. didnt leave a message though, i guess that it got to my voice mail and then he hung up. so the guess would be that if he called that late, he was drunk again. why cant he call me when he is sober? who knows. its probably a good thing that i didnt get the call because i am sure that he just would have had things to tell me while he was drunk that wouldnt have made me happy. and to top it all, i have been having really strange dreams, the other night i dreamt that me and him had a kid together and that we were discussing that he was bringing the kid back down here to me and i was happy that i was going to be seeing him. and then this morning before i became fully awake, i was thinking that he was laying next to me. i really wish that he would just get out of my head. this is getting pretty bad. i was so sure that i would be doing better by now, but probably because of the way that i am treated, i cant help but think back and wish for times when i was treated better. who knows, i am sure that is what my therapist would say. part of me wants to call him and tell him that i got the missed call, and talk to him. but the other part of me knows that there would be no point to that, because it isnt like he was calling me for an important reason. if he was, he would have left a message. i dont know, i hate these feelings.

His First Day Of "Work"

well today was the first day of work for my husband at the job that hired him on saturday. he said that it went well, that they commented that he had done a really good job, and that he had done the most that someone had done of a certain thing in one day. so apparently (from what he says at least) he has been doing really good. however, he always has to have negative things to say, like he said that he sees who this could get boring, and how towards the middle of the day it did get boring because he kept doing the same things. so i reminded him about how this was what he wanted, he wanted a job in a different profession then the one that he had always been in. and then he still had to keep saying about how boring it could be, and so i said well you do have the job though right? and he had to say, well yeah but i could go in there tomorrow, and they could tell me that i am fired. so i said well yeah, but that is with any job. so....he always has to be so darn negative.

A Night Out, Maybe (But Not Alone)

i spoke with one of my friends who used to keep my kids for my overnight and she said that she would watch the kids for me on friday night, and that i could bring them there after i got off work. the reason that i started looking for a sitter so bad was because friday is my husbands birthday and he is turning one of the big sets of numbers, 30! so we should be going out together for his birthday, as long as everything goes okay with the sitter. (fingers crossed). i am pretty sure that my son is going to be upset that i am leaving him there, and throw a fit which is something that he used to do, but being that she hasnt watched him in like 6 months, i really hope that it is not worse then it was before and that he can get over it quickly like he used to. i really would hate to cancel my night out because my son wont stop screaming. that would really upset me. so fingers crossed for everything. ever since around september, i have only been out a total of one time by myself. and that was jan 13th, and we all know what happened that night. other than that, that was it. me and my husband havent been out together without the kids since we have been together at all. so hopefully this will happen.

my job was okay in the morning today up until maybe around 2pm or so, when i had already done all of the things that i had been given to do that i could do with0ut needing assistance, then when it came to the things that i needed help with, and the help wasnt available, i started getting frustrated. today was only my 7th day there, (or a total of a week and 2 days) depending on how you look at it, and they are leaving me by myself to do things which i dont mind, but it seems like when i need help everyone is busy (through no fault of there own) and it is hard to receive help. so once again in the afternoon today, i started to get frustrated and depressed. maybe it is just me, and maybe that is why i am feeling like this i dont know. maybe they dont expect me to be that good, or to know that much right now, and i shouldnt even be worried about it. i dont know. i am trying to feel better about this, and just accept the whatever will be will be attitude, but it is very hard.

Ahh The Working Woman's Life

not that much new going on at this moment, just tired from work, mentally tired really not physically. unfortunately i started to get frustrated and depressed today while i was at work. because i am still so new, and know hardly anything, or so it seems to me and it seems that i keep having a lot of questions, and whenever i needed to ask them today, everyone was busy and i wasnt able to get many answers. so it was very frustrating, and then i started to get depressed probably knowing me wondering why i changed jobs and left what i knew. this job is nicer then the my old one though, one of the major reasons is that people arent yelling at you while you are trying to work. i am not talking about the customers, they are always going to yell, here it doesnt seem like they yell as much as at my old job though. i am talking about the managers, at my old job they would yell at us so that everyone could hear, it was horrible. and it wasnt like they did it to just a few people if like they were messing up or something, they did it to everyone. so that is something a lot better. i dont know, i really just hope that i am getting nervous about nothing. it is just frustrating and it was depressing too.

Another Day In The Life

nothing that interesting went on today. i tried to have conversations on the phone today, but all i got was annoyed. i had to call my daughters father back because he had called me twice, and my husband kept asking me who i was talking to, then i told him and he was making comments. then i called my mom to check on her and see how she was doing, and he was asking me who i was talking to, so i tell him and then after another few minutes he started bugging me to get off the phone because he wanted to use the phone. really annoying, i wish that he would get that second job that he was saying that he might get after he is at this new job for a couple of weeks. that way at least i can have some of my nights to myself again without him annoying me. i also took the kids to the park and let them play on the playground for a little while. then we went straight home, and i threw them straight into the bathtub because i swear they dont just play in the sand at the playground, it seems like they bathe in it. that was about it for today though, i just wish that my husband could not be as much in my business. i would probably not think that much of it if i did the same thing to him, but i dont. if i do ask him who he is talking on the phone to, he gets mad at tells me that it is none of my business. so i guess it is okay for him to do it but not me. how ridiculous.

Happy April Fool's Day

i really hope that what happened today wasnt all a joke, or i dont know how my nerves are going to take this. my husband got hired for a job today that is supposed to be starting for him on tuesday, and it sounds like it will be good for him. it isnt in the profession that he wants to get out of, it is something completely different, and he sounds really excited about it. so that is good. the money isnt going to be that great, but is should just pay him enough, if he doesnt work any extra hours (which he said that sometimes he might be able to if they have extra work for him to do), to just pay the rent. groceries is i guess debatable on if he will be able to pay for that. but at least right now he will have something so that i know that we will be able to pay the rent. eating right now, is questionable. but at least we will have a roof over our head, which is a very important thing. if they give him a few extra hours per month, then that would be good, because then he should be able to give me money for some groceries too. and being that he quit smoking now, he has been eating like crazy. but i am very happy because this is definetly heading in the right direction. i really hope that this all works out okay, i will be so upset if something goes wrong. this means that my husband is going to be home with me almost every night (unless they ask him to work later cause they have extra work, which is what i hope happens a lot) because he is working here during the day. so that means my private time will be severely reduced.

i took the kids (with my husband) to an easter egg hunt this morning. it was nice, they had fun. my son, who will be 3 in may, was with me and my daughter was with my husband in another section because they have to be seperated into different age groups. my daughter almost filled her bucket up with eggs, she did really well. my son didnt do as good, i wouldnt help him pick them up because i figured that he was old enough and would have an unfair advantage, but he did okay. my daughter got about double what he did. he would have done better but he was getting very easily distracted, he kept not picking up the eggs and watching the other kids and what they were doing. early signs of add? i hope not. anyway, we had a pretty nice day. me and my husband didnt really argue, or snap at each other like we are usually really good at doing, but let me not say anything because the day isnt over yet.