More Dreams...

i had a dream it wasnt last night it was the night before last, and HE was in it again, and i dont remember all of the details again. all i remember again was that i was so incredibly happy. i just wish that i could have such a feeling in real life, that would be wonderful. i am officially an employee at my job now, official 2 days ago on tuesday, and it is a good feeling, and i am also happy knowing about the benefits that will be soon to come, and when i will be starting to receive them. so that is something that makes me happy. i was incredibly sick last night, fever, no energy, chills, etc and my stomach was killing me. my daughter was also sick during the day yesterday, and she threw up. she was with her dad at the time, so he was the lucky one that got to do clean up. so i guess that we had a touch of something, i am just happy that during the night my fever broke, and i felt a little bit better today. that was very good. especially being that reading my companys handbook that i was just given, it seems that their absence policy is stricter then my old companies. which is making me very nervous, especially being that i have a son who is 3 and in daycare/preschool and if he is sick they wont take him, and i would have stay home with him and miss work. so that isnt good. i have to have my manager explain it to me better, because i dont think that i explain it. it does have me a little worried though, because the way that it sounds it sounds like something that will be very difficult for me adhere to with having children. i have been thinking about HIM a lot lately, probably more then usual because i had to drop my rent check off and when the office is that i have to drop it off at is where my old apartment is. they are still repairing and no one lives there yet, but just seeing what is left of it, and what they are rebuilding and the neighborhood and everything gets me upset big time every time. i was actually thinking of emailing him to see what is up, but i dont think that i want to start talking to him again so that i can be reminded of what i dont have again, i think that it will make me feel worse. i really dont know what i should do. i was also thinking of just waiting until he calls at his usual time in the beginning of the month in the middle of the night, and try to talk to him. but i dont think that i want to do that, plus that is if he even calls. his pattern has been that he calls either the first or the second weekend of the month, late saturday night early sunday morning, and then hangs up with no message, it has been 3/4, 4/8, and 5/6. which means that following this pattern it would be either this coming weekend or the following weekend when i will be in another state on vacation. but what i should really do is just push him out of my mind, it is just bugging the heck out of me that i cant do that. everything reminds me of him and what happened and the good times and the bad, and the things that i did and that he did. it is just a constant memory lane. and i should be happy, i suppose, that i still have someone to be with and to help take care of me, no matter what an a*s that he is at times, but i am not. me and my husband have been together on and off for over 4 years. we were living together for approx 7 months, then we got married and were together for about 1 year and 3 months, then we were seperated for almost 2 years. (which is when i was with HIM for a year and 3 months of that time) now we have been back together again since october which would be almost 8 months now. so that is it, counting together we have been a total of about 2 and a half years, because for the other 2 years we were seperated. it is just so hard. he just really doesnt act like he cares about me or anything else at times, and it hurts so much.

Cause I'm Dreaming......

i had an interesting dream last night, from what i remembered He was in it, and i was with him, and it seemed to me that we were back together and i was just soooo happy about it. i also remember that i broke a nail and that got me upset in my dream, but i just remember being with him and being happy. that is what i mainly remember. and i woke up, and i wasnt upset because it wasnt an unhappy dream, but i just wished that it was real life. i wish that i could have that type of feeling of such happiness. that would be something i want to have. but it seems like i dont have it. well things in july are supposed to be really improving, going by what is supposed to be happening with my job and insurance and everything like that, so i really hope that it does. i need everything to start going my way, so that i dont have to by getting upset about everything. and lets keep our fingers crossed that everything with my husbands job keeps going okay, because this month i had to "help" him out with over 100 dollars so that i could make sure that the rent got paid. i just dont know how much more i can take of this. every month it is always a certain amt that i need to "help" him with. it is starting to get really annoying and cost me money. this month he is supposedly giving me the money that he is "borrowing" from me back, i really hope that he does. because instead of saving my money in case of emergencies that money has been going so fast. that if this keeps up and something happens i dont know what i am going to do. yes, it is only money, but the problem occurs when you dont have any money, and something occurs that you need money for. i just hope that if something is going to happen that it doesnt happen until i am able to get back on my feet. because i am having a really hard time right now making everything happen. that is probably why i am so stressed out and upset is because of that, hopefully everything will calm down soon. i really hope so because i dont know how much more of this i can take. also hurricane season has all started and we all remember what a great experience last hurricane season was for me, i know i cant go through all of that all over again.

The Art Of Not Giving A Crap

that story should be written by my husband. to let you know what has been bugging me so much that i have to write about it here. i had a very uncomfortable illness that occured suddenly, so i wanted to go to the urgent care center after i got off work last night. so when i told my husband that, he didnt want me to go, because he was supposed to be riding his bike. so i quite generously said that i would give up my day at the gym the next day so that he could go for a long bike ride then. he was still not happy with that. so i of course had to go the doctors, and he spent the whole night being upset with me. and then today, which was supposed to be my gym night i didnt go to the gym, and instead stayed home just for him to literally go for a bike ride for 5 minutes. can you believe it!!!??? all that for a five minute bike ride. i just cant stand how selfish he is, i even said like what if it was you that had this, this, and this symptom and described them for him, and his answer was, well i dont. i am so tempted constantly just to run away from all this, and not come back. i really dont want to come back to any of this, i dont want to deal with this. him constantly being short on the bills every month, me always having to worry about paying everything when he works too, and having to hear him complaining about everything. i hate it. i was actually listening to a song today about how someone died and the wife was devasted that he had died, and it occured to me that i wouldnt be devasted that he had died because i would miss him, i would just be upset because i would now have to figure out how to pay for everything on my own. isnt that horrible? i really dont think that i love him. why am i with him anyway? i dont know, the only reason that i know of is financially. i cant do it on my own. that is all.

i did get good news today, everything went okay with me getting hired with my job and as of tuesday i will be officially there employee. that is a huge weight off, and makes me very happy. i think that i needed that piece of good news to make me feel better about everything.

A Break In The Complaints?

i really have to wonder if it is possible, i feel like i have to pinch myself. me and my husband have been actually okay with each other over this weekend. after we had a huge fight which included name calling insults dredging up the past. we have somehow reached a truce. i am sure that it is temporary, but i am trying to enjoy it while i can. the whole reason for the fight was that i asked him to get something down from the closet for me, and he then said that i was nagging him and to leave me alone. so long story short i tried to ask him again nicely, and he got pissed, and threw the things onto the floor from the closet breaking several of my momentos from christmas. which got me really upset/pissed/depressed. i dont know, somehow from there we reached a truce. hopefully it will last for a while i really hope so. this truce has been since thursday night. i have to take my test for work tomorrow, and then as soon as the results are back from that, then i will be hired with the company officially and get all the money and perks that come with that, so i really hope that my test and everything else goes okay, because i really want this to happen asap. well since i have been working out at the gym, which i started doing that and watching what i eat on may 10 i have already lost 4 lbs, and it hasnt even been a whole 2 weeks yet, so that is awesome! i was really sick yesterday sneezing no energy runny nose, but i feel a little bit better today, still just dont have much energy. but i did have a nice afternoon today, while everyone was napping i went to the pool in my complex by myself and two guys that live in the complex were there. one of the guys i didnt really know and me and him were being nice to each other and just talking but i thought that he was looking at me like he was interested, so when he finally went home (after a while) the other guy said to me you know he was really looking at you right? (like interested in me) so i said i thought so, but i didnt really pay attention because he has a girlfriend that just isnt in another country right now. so he said oh no he definetly was. and then i said so, guys look at me thats okay. (cause he asked if it bothered me) so then i said you look at me too, and he said yeah i do sometimes, i was definetly looking at you when you were wearing (and then he actually described one of the outfits that i wear). and he said i just cant help myself, but i try not to look when your husband is around cause he would probably try to kill me, and i said yes he probably would. and then he also asked if i had dated black guys before, and i said that i had. (he is black) and that was the end of that. interesting conversation. made me feel very attractive, the whole experience did, it was nice to know that men still find me attractive.

More Of The Same Bulls**t

more of the same stuff, just a different day it seems. i got good news about my job today, not only are they making me permanent but i am also supposed to be getting a 2 dollar an hour raise. yeah! that is awesome news. so you would think when i told my husband that he was thrilled. right? sort of. his reaction actually was, oh that is good that means i can start paying less towards the bills because you are going to be making more right? so i said wrong, and the usual argument was on. it seems like he always has to argue with me about something and he is always telling me that i am acting snotty or like arguing. which isnt true. and he is always snapping at me and acting like an a**hole. i have been so ready to just get rid of his a** lately, at many different points that it is starting to scare me. he actually (this is a miracle) left the house for about a half hour today, and it was beautiful. i really wish that he would like find something to do on the other 5 nights a week that i am not at the gym that would make me soooo happy. or at least 2 or 3 of those nights. something. i miss being home by myself it so much more peaceful and quiet, i dont have to hear him whining about what i am doing, when i am going to bed, etc. so anyway i am really excited about the whole job thing, this is really good news. because i have been so short of money per month, i have been having to dip into my savings, so it will be good when this happens that i wont have to do that anymore. so this is way good news. i cant wait until it all becomes official and happens. i havent seen my therapist anymore, i joined the gym and i have been going to the gym 2 nights a week for about an hour and a half (two hours with travel time) and also the other 2 weekend mornings a week the same amount of time. so with my husband complaining (severely) and being aggravated with me for not being home for those times, so i just havent been going to the therapist. i have gotten my insurance straightened out so far, so i could go if i wanted to, but i havent, mostly because of the husband reason. i had a dream last night that i was going out apartment hunting and i was looking at all different ones, but i wasnt able to see who was with me, i know that someone was with me and that he was male. that was all i knew. with the way that i have been so happy with my husband lately i am sure that it wasnt him. i havent heard from HIM lately, if he keeps following his usual pattern i am sure that i wont hear from him again until the beginning of june. i guess that we will see.

My Husband, The A*s

well something that has already long been established in my mind has just recently been reestablished for me, and that is the above. my husband is a real a*s. i wanted to have sex last night and he didnt want to, he actually laughed at me and said that he was tired and that if i wanted i could do everything and he would just lay there for me. gee thanks, that really helps. and then i have been feeling really bad about myself (as i am sure that you can tell) so of course everything is making me unhappy. one of them is my body. so in a really depressed statement i said that from the side i was so fat that it looked like i was pregnant. so instead of saying that i didnt, or reassuring me, he just started laughing. HARD. so i finally decided to join the gym again that i used to belong to, and they even gave me a great deal of not having to pay any fees and i just had to pay my monthly fees. which was good. so now he is whining about not being able to spend every night of the week (and weekend) with me sitting around doing nothing. its like i jsut cant win, i can never seem to make myself happy and everyone else, no matter what i do someone is always pissed off or upset with me.

"I Have Been Known To Cause A Few Breakups"

from "Alcohol" sung by Brad Paisley

i have been really depressed today, i have been thinking so many stupid things. i have been thinking of how much i miss HIM. which is a pretty stupid thing to do, because before the hurricane happened to me/him/us i was actually considering going back to my husband because i wasnt happy with him. and it was probably that whole grass greener on the other side thing. because now that i am back with my husband, i wish that i had never asked him for a break. and i want him back, and i am kicking myself. but i have to remember that i was unhappy with him, definetly not as unhappy as i am now, that is for sure, but i was still a little bit unhappy. i am sure that he still has the same issues and mentality that caused me to be unhappy with him. i dont know what it is. i guess that i am just so unhappy right now, i am just looking for anything. i dont know. me and him probably would have still seperated and split up anyway, when we lost our apartment because of the hurricane. anyway, like i said i have been having some stupid thoughts like while i am visiting my friend in the beginning of next month, going to see him. that is a stupid thought on so many levels. the first dumb thing would be that it would take me 4 hours one way to get there from my friends and then another four hours to get back. so that would be 8 hours driving time. and then there is the other factor that i am supposed to be visitig my friend and my godson so that would be pretty rude. and then finally there is the question of what would we end up doing? we would either talk and he would tell me awesome his life is, or what happened last time might happen again. which was that we talk about the old times and he tells me that he misses me and still loves me and we end up having sex, it is so moving and wonderful and then i am without him again. so either way would probably stink. if the last time which was only about 2.5 months after we broke up that happened, why would anything different happen when we were broken up 6.5 months? nothing different would happen. i already know the answer to that. and then finally i dont really want to cheat on my husband, not that he is that great or making me feel good at all about myself, or even acting like he gives a crap about me at all lately, but i dont want to cheat on him. i am sure that i would feel really bad about that afterward. not to mention that, as stated above, it wouldnt make any difference. everything is just depressing me lately. i dont know what it is, probably the fact that i am not taking medicine or seeing my therapist. at all. for like the past month. this is not good. i can feel myself going lower and lower. i want so many things that i cant seem to have, number one is that i want to be happy (in general), then of course with that being first, i want to have another be able to stay home with my kids and take care of them instead of paying other people to do. there are tons of other things too. it just seems that everything is not making me happy, and i really dont care about anything more, and at the bottom of the list of things that i dont care about is me. i care least of all about myself. i was considering emailing HIM and just seeing what he wants, but what is the point? he only calls me when he is drunk, and if we have a sober conversation he will just be telling me how great everything is going for him and make me more upset (if that is possible.) and then if we have a conversation with him being drunk, then he will still get me upset because he will be saying how much he misses me and still loves me, just like he has numerous times in the past. i dont know. things are just not going well. at all. i am getting those urges back again too, really strong. i am just so unhappy. everything sucks.

The Usual Time, Usual Number

well i got the phone call that i was expecting to get at some point again last night (or early this morning depending on how you look at it). the call was last night (or early this morning) at 12:54am. so it was around the same usual time that it is, and it was on a saturday night which it always is either a friday or saturday night. and, also as usual, there was no message on my voice mail. just i guess let it ring and then when it went to my voice mail he hung up. i wonder why HE even calls me at night that late, why does he even bother? doesnt he know that i will be sleeping? he is probably so drunk that he doesnt even realize anything. it seems that he calls me every month, the time before this was about april 8th, and then i think that the time before that was march 4th. so the patterm seems to be about a every month. but the weird thing is that he never leaves a message so i guess either he doesnt want me to call him back or know that he is calling. i dont know. what is even the point in him calling me? i miss him sometimes though. i was going to say that i wish i would be able to talk to him, but i can very easily talk to him, if i call him, but yet i dont.

i had a very interesting and weird dream last night, i dreamt about me and my husband having sex, which is very odd because i havent dreamt like that about him since i cant even remember when. i remember that the sex was good and also i remember at some point after that being pregnant and getting ready to have a baby. so what does that mean? does that mean that is whats going to happen or what i want to happen? or is it that i want it to happen with someone else? at many different points in my relationship i wanted to have a baby with HIM and almost did, but fate lead otherwise. so what does all this mean? i am probably just being stupid even trying to figure everything out. who knows?

Scary Dreams

i had a really horrible vivid dream last night, i dreamt that my house was burning down and there was nothing that i could do about it. i also dreamt that there was a fire extinguisher there, but i didnt even try to grab it or use it. i just looked at it and let everything burn. it was really scary, it reminded me of the hurricane and how quickly that you can lose all of your belongings and the things that you love. it just made me feel worse, about everything and myself. today at work i had a scare, i asked to make sure that they were aware of the days off that i had requested and that it was okay, and apparently they werent aware of it. so that wasnt good. the agency that i am technically employed through didnt tell my job, or didnt tell the right people. luckily it ended well though, because my supervisor approved it. i was getting really nervous and upset though. the director asked me today how much the agency was paying me and which agency that it was, and told me that she was submitting my application, so now i suppose that i have to wait and see what happens. i really hope that everything goes okay with that. i think that the next step is that once everything goes through, i have to sit down with the big managers and they make me an offer. i am really nervous about this know, i like the job, and i want to have it. that would be a relief to me. my husband made me happy today because he cooked dinner and watched the kids while i got my nails done tonight. but then he got me upset because i mentioned to him that he might have to help me for about a month to a month and a half giving me extra money to have someone watch my daughter who will be out of school. so instead of saying i will try or something like that he basically said no it is your problem. and you know what? i said to him it isnt just my problem, you tell me that you want me to work and that i have to work, well then it is your problem to. because if i dont have the money to pay someone to watch her then i cant work. he didnt have an answer to that. i already know that he isnt going to help. it is just bulls**t. it isnt like i am working because i want to, or that after bills i have hardly any money left over. things like this are supposed to be both of our problems, and not just mine. but it seems like that is always the way that it is, when it comes to money he just gives me what is agreed upon (if i am lucky) and that is it. after that he doesnt want to know nothing. i am finding it harder and harder to cope with everything that is happening. i have so many things that are going on, it is horrible. i am just so unhappy, it seems like i am happy for a brief moment and then i am miserable again. i was talking to my friend who occasionally watches my kids overnight for me, and she had said that she would be able to watch them for me not this weekend but next weekend either friday or saturday night, but at this moment i am not even sure if i want to go. because i am going to end up paying for most of it, and my husband is not making me happy at the moment. it just seems like not much makes me happy anymore. the only thing that i have really been looking forward to lately is going to visit my best friend in the beginning of june. that is it. i really am not looking forward to anything else. i have like no money, i can barely pay my bills, i am maxing out the credit cards and money that i am supposed to be saving for emergencies because i need things, groceries, etc, and for example my sons birthday. i had to throw him a party, and i of course had no help. what am i going to do. so instead of looking forward to things, for example like mothers day, when i am supposed to be taking my mom out to lunch, instead i am thinking about how much that it is going to cost, and knowing that it is just going to be taking out of the money that i am supposed to be saving. i could go on and on. it seems like i am just not happy at all anymore. or if i am it is just for a brief fleeting moment. then it is gone again.

"Laying In My Bed I Here The Clock Tick And Think Of You...."

i still think of HIM like a lot, and it really bothers me. because every time that i think of him, it gets me upset again. because then i keep thinking of old memories. i cant believe that it has been so long since he has called me. i guess that in his mind he doesnt think of me anymore, or at least not as much. i havent seen my therapist in a very long time, several weeks and it is getting harder and harder to deal with everything. with all these issues with my insurance, she doesnt want to see me right now unless i pay her up front and then try to get reimbursed later. not that i absoluetly cant do that i just dont want to because i am afraid that i am not going to end up getting my money back. so who knows if i am going to see her again. i really need to see her, i am trying to handle everything, but it is so hard. i am happy about my job and the full time thing, once it happens, oh please let it happen, i will be saving about $136 per month on insurance. i really hope that everything goes okay with it. Yuck again....my husband is smoking officially now, he has a pack that he is carrying around and he isnt even bothering to hide it anymore. he will smoke right in front of me, and it is disgusting. and then he tells me that he wants to quit again and use patches to do it, but he isnt making any move to buy the patches instead he is buying packs of cigarrettes. yuck, yuck. today was my sons first day of daycare/preschool and he per the teachers information did really well. she said that he was well behaved, that he is very smart, and also that he speaks about a year above his age. so that was good. and he didnt cry or throw a fit when my husband left him there, the only time that he got upset was when all the other kids parents were picking their kids up and my husband wasnt there yet. so i am happy that it went well. when we asked my son if he wanted to go back again he said yes, so that is good. that way my husband wont have to drag him in there like we were scared that he was going to have to. good news, i found out about my ticket, it isnt going to cost that much at all, i have until may 24th to pay it, and it is a no points violation. that is a very good thing. i can afford to pay the amount that it is, and i am not going to get any points on my license. so hopefully my insurance rates wont go up. because i have to renew the end of june, so i really hope that they dont go up when i try to renew. i guess that we will see.

The Birthday Boy

today was my son's birthday (his is my little one). he turned 3 years old today. we actually had a birthday party for him yesterday, and he had fun there. i even had fun too. it cost me a lot of money but what else is new? he also got a cute haircut on saturday. here is a picture of him with his haircut doesnt he look so cute? being there with him on his birthday just brought back some memories though, it reminded me of his last birthday which was the same thing except for the fact that HE was there. and i was just thinking about all the things that happened since then. and then i was thinking about how three years ago today i had him, and what has happened since then in both my life and his. then today i had to pay my rent, and as usual i had to drop it off at the building next to the one that i used to live in that got severely damaged in the hurricane. and as usual what happens every month happened to me again, i get depressed thinking about everything that used to be and what everything used to be. and i probably shouldnt be thinking like that but i just cant help it. it has been a while since HE called me, and i miss him and i wonder if he is okay. who knows? maybe he got alcohol poisoning again, and he could have died this time. or maybe he is just happily loving being the complete and total alcoholic that he is and he doesnt even think about me anymore. probably making it worse is the fact that i havent seen my therapist in a while because of this whole insurance situation. she is saying that she will see me now, and that she can then file to my insurance once it is straightened out and get me my money back (hopefully) but that isnt something that i want to do, that doesnt make me happy. that makes me very uncomfortable. my job didnt make me that happy either, at least one girl that i know of that only started one week before me got hired on with the company and they didnt talk to me about it. i am just hoping that it is because we are in seperate depts and that it will happen for me too, because that i want to happen as quickly as possible, especially with all this insurance stuff. as soon as they do that, is the sooner that i get insurance through them. so i wanted it so bad, when she told me that they had hired her and that they were calling people into the office to do that, i wanted them to call me so bad and then they didnt. i hope that they call me. my husband is putting my son in daycare/preschool , he is supposed to be starting this wednesday. so lets see how my son does with that. the reason that my husband is doing that is because he will then be able to work 6 days a week at his job, all during the day. i was going to say that i wish that he would work at least one night a week, but maybe i dont. i have gotten so used to him being home every night, that i might get lonely after the kids go to bed, and i have to say it is a lot easier at night dealing with the kids with him helping me. i guess we just cant have everything that we want can we?