Some Thoughts

i am getting so frustrated with kayla's teacher and her school situation and the fact that she isnt doing what she has to do in school. and then also the fact that the teacher just doesnt seem to care at all. i wrote the note in kaylas planner advising the teacher that i cant do 7:30am on any morning due to having the two kids that are school age presently that need to be ready and get to school every morning, and asked if she could give me another time that she is available so that we can settle on a time that is convenient for both of us. uh-huh, subtle huh? meaning it cant just be convenient for her. so we will see what she has to say about that. i also wrote her in that same note, about the fact that she had written on the planner that there was no signature and no homework from yesterday, well first of all duh how do you expect me to sign it if i dont have it because it was left at school, and the second thing was about the homework, kayla had claimed that she didnt have any, and yet in her planner it said that she had to write her spelling words 5X each. so i asked kayla about that, and she claimed that she didnt know what the spelling words were, and that she had never been given them. so i wrote all of that to the teacher too, so lets see what the response is to that. i really dont know what to do about kayla either though, because it just seems like she doesnt care or want to care about doing good in school, and she doesnt want to do what she has to do either. i tried punishing her all weekend last weekend, by just making her stay in the house and do schoolwork to get herself caught back up, she had no fun at all, just sat at the table all day and did work, or read books which is also part of her schoolwork. but i dont know, i guess that didnt do anything to her, because then yesterday she didnt bring her planner home, and then there was also the no homework incident too. i really dont know. i dont even care about having a meeting with the teacher because i know that isnt going to do me a bit of good, because i have already had a meeting with her once, and you could tell also from what she has written home before, she just doesnt give a you know what. i will tell you one thing though, like i had said before, if she doesnt have any other options for times to meet that are good for both of us, then i am going to have to call the asst principal back and discuss this with her. because it is just fine if she wants me to meet with the teacher, and see if it can be resolved with her, but if she isnt being flexible about when we can meet, then what am i supposed to do? sigh i am getting so seriously frustrated with this whole school, teacher, kayla, asst principal situation, it isnt even funny.

my boyfriend did it to me again this morning, the same thing that he had done on sunday morning, except for one even more frustrating difference. he was just working towards what he wanted, so he came very well in like three minutes probably, and then of course the heck with me. so that was very frustrating.

I Knew It, Sympathy, Annoyance, And Stinking Schools

well, sure enough i had frankie's dad pegged correctly. i knew that it was nothing within his personality that would have him getting served the divorce papers and to not say anything to me about it. sure enough, after i wrote that blog on saturday he called me up yelling at me that he got served my divorce papers on friday night and that there was no way he was going to pay me $480 a month in child support, he just doesnt have it, and especially being that he is a month behind in his rent right now. which i think is interesting especially being that he told me that his girlfriend was so awesome and that she was paying all his bills for him. well, evidentally she isnt doing a very good job of that, if he is still behind on his rent. but anyway, i didnt think to say that at the time, which stinks because that would have been a very good comeback. and then he was saying that there was no way he would pay that much money and that they could take him to jail, he didnt care. which if the judge did order him to pay (because there is nothing set until the judge orders it) and he didnt pay, eventually he would get taken to jail, and then he would still have to pay for all the time that he was there. and then he also tried saying that he was disabled, and i said where does it say that legally, and he of course doesnt say anything, and his answer for that was that he is going to file to be or something like that. which not only does that take forever, but i looked it up to make sure, he would still have to pay child support even if he was, the only thing that would change is that the amount in child support that he would have to pay would be changed, it would be then based on how much he was getting per month in disability. so he thinks that he is so slick, but all the things that he said to try to get out of paying child support dont seem like they are going to work for him. and then finally the last thing that he had to say was that he wanted to settle it out of court again, and that he wanted to sign the paper that i had been showing him orginally the one that he was saying before that he didnt want to sign. of course the reason that he wants to sign that one now is because that one says that he would only have to pay like $130 a month in child support and that he would have frankie half of the time. but of course, that is all changed now, now that i stopped working and also now that i had to file everything with the courts and have him served and everything else. so if he thinks that i am going to have him sign and agree to that now, he has something else to think about. because that isnt going to happen. it looks like now the court is just going to have to decide. which is going to piss him off even more. oh well.

kayla's dad was being incredible today. i went over to his house, at his request of course, to help him with his diabetes. to make sure that his blood sugar was okay, check what he was eating, etc. of course, surprise, surprise, to me he tries his very hardest to get me in bed with him. i mean his hardest. give me a break. i am over there trying to help him because he asked me too, and i am trying to be nice to him, and he doesnt care. all he wants is to get laid, by me. come on. i am obviously pregnant, he knows that i am pregnant, knows that i have a boyfriend, who i live with, obviously we are having sex. and yet he still wants me. i honestly hope that i am never like that, wanting someone that bad who doesnt want me. i felt sorry for him, i really did. not sorry enough of course to have sex with him, or do anything with him, but i did feel sorry for him. i even told him something that i thought was going to piss him off, which was that the letter that he wanted me to write for immigration for him to get his papers, stating that he has been giving me child support every month for the past over 6 years, was going to be written my way and not the way that he wanted me too. he wanted me to write that he had been giving me the full amount of what was ordered every month, which is 526.00, he has only been giving me 250.00 a month, due to an agreement that we made when he lost his job that he had before, that was paying him really good money. so i told him that i was going to write it this certain way, and instead of really pissing him off like i thought that i would, it didnt even really bother him. i think he was just concerned with trying to get me to have sex with him, so i guess at least i picked a good time to tell him that, so i didnt have to hear him yelling at me.

my boyfriend and i actually had sex on sunday morning, i got him when he woke up in the morning, and he was all you know.....before he went to work. it would have been pretty good, especially being that we used ky jelly and it didnt even really burn, maybe a tiny bit, but nothng like it had before in the past. so yeah, ky jelly. i am happy that i had lisitened to the midwife about the ky jelly, and that it helped like she had said that it would. and it is a good thing that i brought it out to use it because the position that he choose to do it in (i told him that he could pick) would normally have probably burned because it isnt a position that is very good for me to be moist in. of course the other thing about that position is that in the years that i have been sex i cant come in that position, i never have been able to. i can get really turned on and ready to, but i never have been able to in that position. so of course i didnt have an orgasm, not that i was mad at him over it, because i did tell him that he could pick whatever position that he wanted to do it in. and he did pick, so i couldnt be mad at him. what i thought was interesting though, was that afterward he actually asked me if it was good for me, and i mumbled something, i just dont know why he would have asked me that when he knew that i didnt have an orgasm. i know that he could tell, because i dont make it a secret when i have one. men, who knows? then he aggravates me last night, when i was watching something on tv, by changing the channel right in the middle of me watching it, and not putting it back to what i was watching. that was rude.

Kayla's school, well not exactly the school in general, more of the assistant principal and kaylas teacher, have been really upsetting and annoying me lately. kayla wasnt turning in her homework or schoolwork in school for about two weeks, and i just found out about it, instead of like three days going by and then them telling me that she hadnt turned in her work, they wait two weeks to tell me. and then i notice that kayla isnt up to where she should be with the work, she doesnt seem to know what she is doing, and also she is writing a few of her numbers and letters backwards and also confusing two letters together. and then on friday she was on the bus and a few other kids were throwing candy in the bus, and it got in her hair, which got me even more upset, because the bus driver doesnt seem to have any control over them at all. so i call the assistant principal up this morning, asking her to set up a meeting, so that i can discuss all of my concerns with her, and i basically get brushed off, with her saying that i need to have a meeting with the teacher first, and then if i dont get any satisfaction then we can all have a meeting together. and when i told her about kaylas problems with her work, and asked her if there was tutoring available or if she could switch kayla into a teacher's class who has less students i was told that tutoring isnt offered because there is no funding for it, and also that there is no other class that has less students. so i was basically completely brushed off by the assistanct principal. then the teacher called me (per the asst principals request) to set up a meeting with me and her regarding kayla. i didnt answer my phone at the time. so the teacher leaves a message on my phone saying that she would love to have a meeting with me, but that the only time that she is available is in the morning at 7:30am before school starts, because she does something else after school. thats it, no other options. never mind that i have things to do before school, like getting two kids ready for school, and to school, but no, i need to do it when it is good for her. and she says to write a note and put it in kaylas planner, saying what morning would be good for me. can you say none of them? so then kayla gets me annoyed because there is no planner in her backpack tonight, she claims that it was in her backpack, but then i guess lord knows what happened to it. hopefully it is still at school. i really hope so. so i am not able to write the note back to kayla's teacher saying that i cant do it at all at 7:30am today, so from the discussion that i had with kayla today, i really hope that she remembers to bring it home tomorrow. and then i am going to write the note to her teacher explaining that in the mornings i have two children to to get to school, and that will never work for me, and what other options are there. i cant believe that the teacher is that inflexible that she is just giving one time that she is available and that is it. she wants it at her convenience and i am sorry that just isnt going to happen. if we cant settle on a time, that isnt that early, then i am just going to have to call back the asst principal and tell her that i tried to have a meeting with the teacher but she is being totally uncooperative and then see what she has to say. sigh.

well, i guess that i ranted and went on and on enough, there was just so many things that went on and are going on, i wanted to put them down here while i have a chance.

Sex? Try Nonexistent.

okay so lately i have been getting really sexually frustrated, which you would think really shouldnt happen if you are living with someone of the opposite sex, especially a man. men are supposed to be really horny right? wrong. not this one. he doesnt seem to care about having sex. i tried to talk to him about it and he doesnt even act like he wants to talk about it. is it me? am i really unattractive to him or something? he was standing by the excuse yesterday that he was just so tired from work, and that the same thing that happened to him the other night that he fell asleep on me would happen again because he was soooo tired. that was tuesday night, he hasnt even made any attempts towards it since, not one attempt. i dont get it. i even made a smart ass comment to him about trading him for a younger model, one that could actually keep up with me being that he cant, and he just said that look what happened with the younger model that i had. and my reply was yeah, but i never had any issues getting sex or having sex with him. (i wasnt referring to frankie's dad, i was referring to matt) he didnt make any further comments, but he also didnt make any moves towards me or seem remotely interested in it either. what is with me? this is the second guy that i have had in a row (frankie's dad being the first) that just seems like they dont care whether they have sex or not. and it isnt even like i want to have sex every day, or two or three times a day, i would settle for at least twice a week. come on. is that too much to ask. and if we arent having much sex now, what is going to happen in upcoming years, if we even make that long that is. because the longer that you are together, the less sex usually that you have. so is that what is in store in my future? less sex then this, it wont exist at all.

then somehow we got on the subject of marriage, which i tried to avoid the subject. i told him what i had told his mother a little while ago, in response to her saying to me oh well, once mike explained that it wasnt that you didnt want to get married now, it was that you couldnt because of not being divorced yet, and i said to her that to be honest even if i was divorced right now, i wouldnt have married him anyway because i was not ready for it at that time. so then he wanted to know if i was ready now, and i dont remember what i said or did, but i somehow changed the subject and didnt bring it up again. my thinking though is if i am already having issues with him (like the one above) then what would the future hold for us?

Kids Say The Darnedest Things?

so me, Frankie, and Kayla were sitting at the table this morning, eating breakfast that i had cooked, with potatoes and eggs, and i got the idea in my head to ask him what he eats at his dads house for breakfast, and he told me that his dads girlfriend cooks him breakfast and not his dad, and that he eats pancakes with no syrup for breakfast and that is it. and that for dinner he eats either pizza, chinese food, hot dogs, or sandwhiches. pretty balanced huh? then i asked him what he drinks at his dads house, and first he said soda, then he said orange and purple milk? huh? i have no idea what he was talking about then. after all of this i was really curious so i asked him if his dads fridge was full like mine or empty and he said that it was empty and that his dad said that the reason why was that once he got his brothers car (frankies uncle) that he would then be able to go to the grocery store and get groceries, and that right now he couldnt. which is not a good excuse at all, how do other people who dont have cars get groceries? they use a bus, ask a friend or family member for a ride, that sort of thing. more and more i really want to get everything done with custody of frankie, and i really want his dad to only have him maybe two days a week (the most if not one day a week) of having him, i dont want him to have the same amount of time that i have him which is 50/50. and then he can also give me the child support that i deserve, and if not he can have his butt thrown in jail, and if that happens i wont shed any tears. he isnt giving him balanced meals at all, he has no food in his house for the kid to eat, which even though frankie does have a tendency to lie or exaggerate i am sure that he isnt lying about that, because that sounds just like his father, and when he was living on his own before. and then of course there is the issue with him not feeding him lunch, and also with the three of them living in that small little one bedroom house and the kid not having any room or space to call his own, which every kid needs. even when him and kayla had to share a room, he at least had an area to call his own, and his own bed that no one else would sleep in but him. and now he doesnt share a room with anyone, he has his own room, and even after the baby is born he is still going to have his own room, because the baby is going to be in kayla's room with her. if i wanted to i could try to get full custody and have him be with me all the time, and just see him maybe once a week or once every two weeks with supervised visitation, but i dont want to take it that far. i dont want to try to get his father out of his life, i just want to make sure that frankie is well taken care of, and i feel that whenever he is with his father he isnt. i feel that it is in the best interest of frankie that the time that he spends with his father be limited.

i was told by the paralegal/document person that i had work on the divorce for me that he was supposed to be served with the divorce papers on thursday the 17th, and that the reason that she knew that was because the server had called her that morning and told her that he would be serving him that day. well, needless to say he hadnt mentioned anything to me about being served, and being that he doesnt know that this is coming, i am sure that he will call me up cussing and screaming about the fact that i had him served and that it says in the paperwork that i am asking for over $400 a month in child support and also the other things that it says in there. and he hasnt mentioned a word to me about anything. which to me means that he hasnt been served. and other people that know him and his personality agree, he would be yelling at me at the top of his lungs, once he got the papers. so i called the same paralegal person back this past wednesday (the 23rd) to make sure with her that he had been served, and she said that he had definetly been served because she received the paperwork back from it. she thought that it was sometime around that thursday, friday or monday (monday being the 21st) she said that she didnt have the paperwork right in front of her at this time. so being that i dont think that he has been served, and also since there is no mention of it on the county clerk of courts website (it says everything else, but not that he was served) i am planning on calling her back up on tuesday of this coming week, and ask her for the exact date that he was served, and then also tell her that i want to come by the next day to pick up a copy of what he signed. or the proof that they have that he was served. then if something happens with that, and she doesnt have that information, then i know that he wasnt served. and then we are going to have to see what has to happen from there.

To Anyone Who Reads This Blog

just wanted to post this here, even though i am sure that anyone who regularly reads this blog, would realize by now what i have been doing. my "real" blog postings, personal ones that i dont want everyone to read, are all on this site. instead of putting pictures and blog postings on here, my pictures are now on my space page. the only blog postings that are on my space arent personal ones they are general ones or surveys or something like that. so to sum it up :) ----------

my space page=all recent pictures, no personal blogs
this blog=all my personal blog, no recent pictures

A Quick Rant

okay so it is 1:30am in the morning and i am still awake? why am i still awake? because my boyfriend did something that he has never really done before. he came home, and was sexually agressive with me. (that is not what i am ranting about, that isnt the issue, i wish that he would do it more). he woke me up from my sleep after he came home from work, and basically teased me for like a minute or two, and then he removed one of my pieces of clothing (trying to keep this PG-rated here), and then he started to have sex with me. well, he was on top of me, braced off of me on his arms of course, and after a couple of minutes (not long) he said that his nose was running and that he had to wipe it or it would drip. so he got up off me, and went into the bathroom to blow his nose. so while he was up, i went to pee in the bathroom. i came back out and he is sprawled in the bed, looking like he is half asleep. so i tried to get him to "wake" back up, by using at least one tried and true method, mmm-hmmm, and that didnt work, he was still mostly out of it. so i gave up, and got up to get something to eat because now i was hungry. and about 2 minutes after i got up out of the bed, he was snoring. which i figured that he would be. so he does something different which was awesome, because he doesnt usually take charge like that, or do things like that, and then he has to go and mess it up. men right? just like a man for you. and i know that he didnt come, so he must have been really tired. but if he was that tired why start something in the first place? sigh. i wouldnt if i was that tired. i am trying not to be to hard on him and i am not really mad at him, because i understand that he does work hard, and he works 50 hours a week, and sometimes his schedule has him working 6 or 7 days in a row before having a day off. so i am fairly understanding. because i know that can be tiring. and he isnt a young man anymore either. hehehe. he is 10 years older then me. anyway, just wanted to rant about that for a minute.

Getting Worse And Not Better

so okay we all know that frankie's dad isnt the most responsible person that we have all heard of, that is for sure, that much is known. but there has never really came a time, at least anytime recently anyway, where i could say that his not being responsible has affected the health or welfare of my son, at least that i knew of, or could prove anyway. but then came last night, and this morning that are really telling me and showing me something. yesterday i went to pick up frankie from school as i usually do on a wednesday, and i picked him at 4:30pm. and he gets in the car, and immediately is saying, i should say whining loudly that he is hungry. so luckily we had actually been planning on getting him something to eat when we left his school anyway, so we get to the restaurant that we are going to eat at, and we sit down, and he is still whining and very upset saying that he is hungry, and i asked him if he had eaten lunch and he said no. so knowing that his father had him in the morning, and for some insane reason had decided to bring him to school late, at like 1pm, i asked him if his daddy had given him lunch, and he said no that daddy had given him only a lollipop and that was it. and then i asked him if he had eaten lunch at school, and he said no that he couldnt. so i was starting to get upset, called his father right then and there, and his father said that he had brought him to school and that he thought it was in time for lunch, and that frankie had probably eaten lunch at school, but that he wasnt sure. so now i am getting really upset, because i am sure that frankie didnt get to eat lunch at all. so i just let it go with his father at that time, because i wanted to make sure with frankies school that he hadnt eaten lunch there. so i talked to the owner/director this morning, and asked her if frankie had eaten lunch there yesterday. and she said that frankie hadnt because he had came to late for lunch. so i explained to her why i was asking her that and she said she didnt see why i didnt have full custody over frankie, and why frank had him the same time as me too. and that frankie needed a stable environment to be in, and that he wasnt getting that from frank. which everyone knows that. so anyway, i called his father and he was being a you know what, and claimed that he had asked frankie if he wanted to eat lunch and frankie had said no, so he hadnt given him any lunch. which isnt the way that it works at all, i always give them something to eat, and unless they are really sick, no matter what they say at first they always end up eating it and that is the way that it should be. so he said that he wouldnt do that, if the kid doesnt want to eat, he doesnt give him food. which is incredibly irresponsible. so i said to him well dont bring frankie to school at 1pm again, because he needs his education and also that way you wont have to worry about feeding him lunch, because the school feeds them lunch. so he said no, he would bring frankie to school whenever he wanted to. and that he didnt have to bring him there in the morning for school, so that right there is another thing, he isnt worried about his sons education or him eating or not he is just worried about himself.

after all of this i called the paralegal who had helped me draw up the papers for the divorce, and asked her being that it had in the papers that he is supposed to be served that it is supposed to be shared custody if i could still get like 75% custody and just let him get 25% or something like that, where he only sees him like 1 or 2 days a week. so she said that i could just explain to the judge that things had changed, and the things that i had been noticing, like this lunch incident and also the fact that he is living in a tiny one bedroom with frankie, himself, and his girlfriend, which is illegal it is only supposed to be two people per bedroom.

i also asked the paralegal about when frankies dad was supposed to get served the papers and she said today. (i talked to her this morning) she said that she had talked to the servers this morning and they had said that they would be doing it today. but i am sure that he didnt get served today because he didnt call me up yelling at me. so i wonder why they didnt serve him today. sigh, oh well.

Mitt Romney For President? I Will Not Be Voting For Him.

i hadnt really given too much though about who i was going to be voting for president, after all it is a while from now until the election. but what got me was today i was lisitening to the radio, and i heard a man talking about how children need both a mother and a father, and that he believed in marriage before children only. which of course got me for two different reasons, reason number one of course being that for the child i am pregnant with now, we were not married before i got pregnant, and for the first two children i was married before getting pregnant and that didnt get me anywhere, i am not with either of their fathers, and we all know why from previous blogs or if you know me well. so i am needless to say i am not a person who believes in marriage before children, i know a lot of children where that didnt happen, and the children are very well adjusted. and then there is also a lot of children, where the parents were married before having the child and that didnt work either, and they still ended up without having a mother and a father. so what is the difference? so as you can see i feel strongly about this issue. now, yes, i know that romney is a republican and generally i dont see eye to eye with them, i am basically in all senses of the word a democrat, and that is probably something that will not change. but i could vote republican if i felt that it would be someone that would be good for us as a country and also would represent me and my family well, but i can tell you one thing, with his views on things, from what i read on his website a few minutes ago, i definetly dont see that being him, and will therefore not vote for him that is for sure.

there are two other issues that i dont agree with his views on, and those are abortion and also his views on same sex marriage. he believes that abortion shouldnt be legal (now this is all my interpretation of what is said by him on his website) except for special circumstances (rape, and things like that). regardless of what the womans reason is, i believe that it should be her personal decision. whatever she chooses that is a decision that she has to live with for the rest of her life. personally i would never have an abortion myself, but that is my personal decision, and i feel everyone should have that decision to make, no matter what their choice is. and then the other thing, the same sex marriage he doesnt agree with it, thinks that marriage should only be between a man and a woman, which i dont agree with, if two people want to get married no matter what their sex is, they should be able to. more power to them.

so anyway, those are the reasons why i know that i will definetly not be voting for him. so far i have looked at hillary clintons views on issues, and she is looking good to me. i still have to look further at her and other candidates, but i know right now, that romney is definetly not one that i am even going to consider voting for.

My Doctors Appointment on Friday

i think that i was so annoyed with frankies dad and with everything else that was going on, that i didnt write anything about the doctors appointment that i had last friday with the nurse practioner. we heard the babys heartbeat, and she said that everything sounded good, and she asked if i felt it when the baby moves. and i said that some days i felt it a lot, sometimes not really, and she said that was normal, and that it is never really predictable. which made me feel better, because that could have been something that i would be worrying about. like so far today i have felt a couple of taps and a squirm or two, but nothing major, but from what i seem to remember, and what has been told to me it is early to be feeling it that strongly anyway. (i think) i got scheduled for my ultrasound for the beginning of next month (in another 4 weeks) and then immediately after the ultrasound i see the nurse practioner for my visit too. i cant wait, my boyfriend is supposed to be taking the day off so that he can be there too. which lately he has been going to all of my visits at the doctors (my routine checkup visits). so while i was there on friday i had her check me because i was having the burning and itching symptoms, and she said that i definetly had a yeast infection, and prescribed a medicine to use for three days. so i used the medicine, as directed, and was still having the same issue, not as much the itching but really bad burning. burning when i peed, and really really really bad burning when me and my boyfriend had sex. the burning was sooo bad, it was horrible. i was crying because i was so frusrated with all of it. so because this was continuing and was so uncomfortable, i made an appointment yesterday afternoon for this morning, and went to see another nurse practioner in the office this morning. and she checked me said that she couldnt see any signs of the yeast infection still being there, and she took a slide and also said that she didnt see any bacterial infection either. so she said that most likely the medicine that i had been given for the yeast infection had irritated me and i had a reaction to it, and that because i am pregnant there wasnt anything that she could give me to counteract it, and she suggested that i use a & d diaper rash cream to soothe it and that should help. she said that if it didnt get better in a week, to see her again. i have to go to the pharmacy and buy the cream, i really hope that this helps, it is so uncomfortable. she said that it was red, so at least she could see that there was something going on, and that it wasnt just me, that made me feel a little bit better. she was also unsure of whether i was able to get the ultrasound at their office or if i would have to go to the hospital for it, but i checked with the billing at the checkout desk and they said that i was able to get two of them at their office with medicaid, and being that i have had none at their office so far, i can get it done their. which made me happy because i would much rather have it at their office. i was also told that i have to drink 32 ounces of water before i have it done, but the midwife said that i would be okay if i just started drinking when i got there to have the desk, that your bladder will fill up quick. the midwife that i saw today also lisitened to the babys heartbeat and said that the baby sounded good. when i was first going into to see the doctor, i was told that i had lost a pound since i was there about six days ago, but that it wasnt anything to worry about, because it is normal for weight to fluctuate. so okay, that is all i can think of to update on that subject, i really hope that this gets better soon, and also that i dont have to end up going back to the doctors office next week because of this. i am going to do what she said and hope that it helps. i have to leave soon and go to the pharmacy to buy the cream. the midwife was also recommending for me to use ky jelly when i wanted to have sex because she said that should help with the burning and also with friction that might be there too, because she was saying about pregnancy hormones and having dryness and all of that. so i lisitened to her and when i go to the pharmacy to get the cream i will also most likely pick that up too, but honestly what i am thinking right now is that how i feel right now and thinking about how i felt last time that we had sex which was only a few nights ago, i dont want to even think about sex at this moment. just thinking about is making me have a burning feeling.

Oh He Pisses Me Off So Bad

frankie's dad i am talking about of course. yesterday i am supposed to bring frankie top him as usual, at about 4pm, so he calls me yesterday morning and is saying that he doesnt feel well can i keep frankie that night, blah, blah. so i said fine i will keep frankie, but that it wasnt going to be that i switch days with him, i would still have him my normal days. so he says fine. and i keep frankie yesterday. last night i talk with him, and tell him that at around 11am this morning i would bring him frankie. he says fine. he wakes me up at 9:30am this morning, calling me, to ask what time i am going to bring frankie to him. so i told him what i said yesterday which was 11am. so he says okay, just call me when you are on your way because i am going to be taking a nap. so i said okay, i was on time, and called him about 10 minutes before i got there, he didnt answer his phone. i called him probably like 20 times, then i get to his house, hes not outside like he usually is, i keep calling him no answer, me and frankie start knocking on the door, no answer, so finally i knocked one last time really hard because i was getting ready to just leave and he wouldnt get frankie today, and his girlfriend answers the door. she was apparently getting ready to get in the shower cause it looked like she was wrapped in a towel and only stuck her head out the door. so i said hi to her, gave frankie a hug and kiss and asked her to tell frank that i had called him a ton of times and he didnt answer, so she said that she would, thanked me, i said your welcome, and that was it. the whole experience didnt bother me, she wasnt beautiful like frankies dad had me thinking that she was, from the way that he was talking i thought that she was drop dead gorgeous, she wasnt prettier then me, at least her face wasnt of course, cause i didnt really see anything else. it actually made me feel a little better seeing her, because this is the woman that is around my son when he is with his dad. so at least i got to see what she was like, she seemed okay. so anyway, about an hour later, frankies dad calls me said that he was sleeping, but claimed that his phone hadnt even rang, and was saying oh that must have been awkward for the two of you to see each other, i said no it wasnt for me, i was fine, i have nothing against her, maybe it was awkward for her though, considering i am still married to you, who knows. and he asked me if i thought she was pretty, so i said yeah she was okay, not prettier then me, and he said well i never said that she was. but that is how i judge women is if they are better looking then me or not, and i didnt think that she was. but anyway, that was the majority of the conversation, he was also just b's'ing with me, asking me how i was feeling, if i knew what sex the baby was yet, that sort of thing, so i answered him, and he said that it was good that we were being nice to each other, and i agreed, even though i know that once he gets served with the divorce papers he probably isnt going to be so nice anymore, especially when he sees that it says he has to pay over $400 child support a month. hopefully he will stay civil though, because i dont want to deal with him acting like a you know what.

kaylas dad got diagnosed with being diabetic, so in addition to him having high blood pressure, he got diagnosed with that too. so i made the mistake of telling him that mike had been diagnosed with it a few months ago too, and now i am his personal dietitian and informant, telling him what is good to eat, all about checking his blood sugar, how often and all of that. i was supposed to go to his house tomorrow to help him with it, and go with him to get the meter and everything but my boyfriend has tomorrow off, so i told her dad that i would help him on tuesday.

we might have something that may help us with paying our bills every month. my boyfriend mentioned to his parents about wanting to possibly get rid of one of the new cars so that we could not have that monthly payment, and asked them if they would be interesting in buying the one that he drives (which as of right now is only 10 months old). so they discussed it i guess, and told him that they would do that, but they would want to pay it off, that way they didnt have payments on it. but to do that, they have to get money from some things that they are waiting for to get done, and that is probably going to take at least 2-3 months. so at least there may be some relief in the horizon, i really hope so. i hope that it works out okay with them getting the money, because that is $300 a month that he pays on that car that we wouldnt have to worry about. so i asked him if that meant that we would just be going down to one car, and he said that no, his parents would be giving us the van that they have, which is in good condition and doesnt have that much mileage on it, i think that he said that it has 50,000 miles on it, which isnt bad. so that would also solve our issue of needing a van or suv soon too. because we needed something with a third row soon, but we had said that we were going to have to wait since we had just recently gotten both of these cars. so now getting the van will definetly make things a lot more comfortable and easier instead of trying to cram three kids and two adults (when we are all together) into a small car. so needless to say with all of that, i am really keeping my finger crossed that this all happens.

Some Interesting Information

so i went to the courthouse on friday like my paralegal had said to go, because i had to sign the form saying that i had no money, that way the court could waive the usual court costs of $364. this was at least what she was telling me, was that being that i get medicaid and am not working right now, that i wouldnt have to pay that fee. so we had that money saved and were going to use that for groceries and gas for the next few months. but when we went to the courthouse it was a different story, they said that they dont do that anymore, and havent done that for a couple of years. so that means that in order to file, everyone, no matter what their financial situation is, has to pay that $364 fee, so we just took the money that we had been saving and paid it. which sucked, and upset me a huge amount. because we really needed that money for the next few months, until we got our tax returns back. this paralegal is really annoying me, i regret that i went to her to do this for me, because she seems so incompetent lately that it isnt even funny. and then to make that even worse, she put her home address on all the papers to the court, so that frankies dad would have no way of knowing what my real address was, but she was supposed to attach a note giving my real address, she didnt attach the note, so know all of my mail from the court is supposed to be going to her, which isnt good, because who knows if i will actually get it on time or when needed, and how long it will take. but anyway, i filed everything with the court now, and they are all paid up, so as far as i know that step is done, and the divorce process is now going to be starting. hopefully she didnt screw anything else up.

ever since my daughter came back from being out of the country, she has had such the attitude on her, doesnt want to listen and is talking back really badly. so she has been getting on my nerves and getting me so upset with her with how she hasnt been lisitening and i have had to yell at her to get her to listen and then she yells back and gives me attitude, it is absolutely incredible. my only guess is that when she was in trinidad with her dad, and with all his family, they spoiled the heck out of her, and gave her anything she wanted and let her do anything she wanted, so now she is used to that. i told her she better straighten out because that wasnt the way that it was here. because if she doesnt straighten out she is going to be punished and keep being punished.

more recent information on the frankie's dads girlfriend thing. the other night i had talked to his dad while he was outside and away from her, and he was telling me that he was really in love with her, and that she was beautiful, and that she did everything for him, she cooked, cleaned, helped him take care of frankie, and paid all the bills, and that she had told him that i was dumb for getting rid of him, and that he could get better and rest, and she would pay everything for him. he also said that she wanted to get married, and i asked him if she had kids already, and he said one boy that lives with his father in another state, which i thought was interesting why wouldnt the child be with the mother, but i didnt comment about that. i said well you better make sure that you dont get her pregnant, or you'll be screwed and he told me that he already might have, because she told him that she didnt have her pills to take, and he had came inside her anyway a couple of times. so that wasnt smart on his part, unless he wanted to get her pregnant, which i doubt. he said that he wasnt that crazy about getting married again, considering that when you get married things change and people change, and considering his history with marriage. she doesnt know that though, she wants him to get divorced so that they could get married. he said to me that being that i am in no hurry to get married, and neither is he in a hurry to get divorced because then she would want to marry him, that maybe we should stay married, so that we wouldnt have to marry anyone else. i laughed and didnt answer him, that isnt an option for me. i dont want to stay married to him just so that i cant marry anyone else. and then he even said something about telling the judge that he is still in love with me and that he is sure that at some point we will get together again, just so that we dont get divorced now. but i dont think so, i wouldnt do that just to stay married to him, so that i dont have to marry anyone else. i answered him regarding her saying that i was the dumb one for getting rid of him, and said that to me she is the dumb one right now, because she is paying everything for him, when he is able bodied (a hurt foot doesnt mean that you cant work) and can work. i wouldnt do that, i would want you to pay at least half of the bills, and pull your own weight, not sit at home on your butt and do nothing. i dont think so. so to me she is the dumb one for doing that. and then he said oh well when i am better with my foot i am going to start working again, somehow i doubt that, we would see how long it took him to get a job, and then how long he could keep it for, knowing his past history unless he changes which i so seriously doubt. so how the girlfriend thing was bothering me before, it isnt bothering me like it was. because i am just glad that it isnt me with him right now.

My Latest Project

so i ordered one of those mail order work at home projects, which i am always scared are a scam, which is why this is the first time that i have ever ordered or try to do any of them. so anyway, it is a home crafting thing, where they give you the supplies and a sample with directions and you have to make it following their directions and it is supposed to look just like theirs. so here is their sample:



and here is the one that i made:




what do you think? i think that i did a good job. so now i have to just finish it up by writing on it like the other one has writing on it, glue a magnet to the back, because it is a magnet, and then i need to mail it to them, and see what they think of it. the process is that as long as they think i did it well, then they will send me more supplies to make more of them. if they dont think that i did it well, then they tell you what you did wrong, and you have to make another one and mail it to them. so we will see. i think that i did it really good, even though i know that these pictures dont show it or everything that well.

Is It Me? Am I Wrong?

so first of all to hear frankie's dad (my still technical husband) tell the story of why i left him, he sees no reason behind it. to tell the story, he was just at work one day and heard that i was cleaning out his house of all of its things and that i was leaving him. and also he says of course that i was cheating on him too. he sees no reason why i left him, or that it could have mostly if not all his fault, okay so maybe not his fault, maybe i will say that i wasnt perfect either, because no one is, but if it wasnt for him and the way that he is with money, and his habits, which is where the money goes, and of course the fact that he could never hold onto a job, then we would probably still be together who knows.

i am trying to get the darn divorce filed so that i can get the paperwork started, and i thought that i was done with that and that it would be filed with the courts, so that i could get a casenumber and get everything going, but i was told today that i had to go myself to the courthouse and file the paperwork myself now, and sign an affidavit in front of them saying that i have no money so that i dont have to pay the court fees. so i am not done with this part of the process like i thought that i was. so i am probably going to do that on friday, i have to go the place pick up the paperwork, and then go to the courthouse and submit it to them, and sign that paper. and i really hope that is it for this part of it. i had to go to child support enforcement today to give them the case number, per their request of course, because they want to be involved with child support and if you dont want to cooperate then they threaten to take your medicaid, or whatever else that you are getting from them. which is just wonderful. but anyway, i was told that as long as i get the paperwork to the courthouse so there is a case number, then i am fine, and she also said that they dont take away medicaid from pregnant women and children anyway, which i really hope is true. so that is that.

something that has been hugely bothering me lately, is the fact that frankie's dad has a girlfriend, her name is danielle. i have just been learning about him and her recently, probably in the past week or two weeks the most. before that i didnt hear about her. frankie was telling me about her, and one night when i called his dad when he was going to bed, so that he could say goodnight to him like he always does, he asked his dad to say goodnight to her too, and then i heard him saying i love you or i love you too to her, which bothered me a huge amount. and then as if that wasnt bothering me enough, i learned that she was trying to get a job at frankie's preschool, which was hugely bothering me, so i mentioned that to frankies dad, and i said how would you like it if my boyfriend got a job at frankies school, and i think maybe he understood that, who knows. he did say that she wasnt going to get a job at frankies school anyway, because it didnt pay enough for her. yeah okay whatever. and then there is her picking frankie up and dropping him off every day back and forth to school (on the days that his dad has him of course), and of course frankies dads excuse for that would be that he had torn the ligaments in his foot and ankle about a week and a half ago, and that he is now on crutches, and that he cant walk around, which i guess is a fairly reasonable excuse, that is also of course his excuse for why he hasnt been working now too, how can he get to work, when he doesnt have a car and cant ride a bicycle, and of course this girlfriend doesnt have a car either. and then i just learned today from frankie, which i am sure that this is true, because she is around constantly, whenever i talk to frankie or his dad she is there and i hear her in the background, and especially being that she is bringing frankie back and forth to school everyday. it makes sense, that she is living with him. which is what frankie said. he said that the girlfriend has her clothes at his house, and that she lives there, he also said that his daddy and girlfriend sleep on the couch together, and that he sleeps in the bed by himself. so that means that the three of them are crammed into that tiny almost efficiency that he has right now, which if you push it could be considered a one bedroom apartment, even though i wouldnt really consider it that it is so incredibly small. so okay why i am so annoyed and upset about this whole thing? it isnt like i havent been living with my boyfriend this whole time, and it isnt like that guy isnt around frankie a lot too. so what is my issue? maybe the fact that neither frankies dad or kaylas dad have ever had a girl that was around the kids a lot, and i never had to deal with that, i dont know. but this is seriously annoying me and bothering me, really really badly. ugh, then maybe it is the fact that this is getting pushed into my face by frankies dad too, he always has something to say about her, or i always hear her in the background. and i didnt do that to him. i just dont know.

A Funny Tale

So Tony (the ex boyfriend mentioned in a previous blog, and other ones also, just not by name) had messaged me on my space page on my birthday to say happy birthday to me. so i had responded back just casually of course asking how everything was, or whatever like that. now just to give you some background on my space page, it has the baby ticker saying how far along i am, how much time i have left, and things like that. i also have it written on there that i have two children and one on the way, and in my occupation i had changed it to stay at home mommy, so that means i am not working anymore. and then of course there is also a comment from my boyfriend on my space page about not being able to wait until his baby comes, or something like that. so anyone looking at my page would see that i was pregnant. so anyway, i saw that it was his birthday coming up so i decided to be nice, and i just messaged him a short note on his my space saying happy birthday, and he wrote back asking why there was a picture on my space page with my boyfriends hand on my stomach with him smiling, so i answered him that i was pregnant. and i am thinking to myself like duh! of course i am pregnant, if you looked at my page, you would see that. so i just thought i was funny, shows how intelligent he is i guess. who knows. i had to have some kind of funny tale to say before i really get into everything. which will be in my next post.

Reflection On The Men I Had/Have In My Life

i have been with (had sex with) 10 men in my life. and as much as most people like to admit the correct amount of how many people that they have been with, that is my honest total. I am currently with man number 10. I was going to reflect on the guys that I have been married to, but being that there is a lot of comments on them in here in other posts, i figured that i am not even going to go there, except to mention them as part of the 10 that i have been with. so here we go

#1---Neil, who also happens to be my first husband, father to kayla, was married to him for a little over three years. i dont know why we ended up getting married anyway, i think that it is because i wanted to get out of my parents house. anyway, he had a bad temper, and i am sure that i wasnt ready to get married, and it just didnt work. i seperated from him in december, and was divorced in february.

---I am not really counting this as a number, even though technically it would be #2 and all the rest would move down a number, I went into a guys house, and wasnt interested in anything, I was on strong medication, and that happened, over the years the details have gotten fuzzy, even fuzzier then they were in the beginning, so I really dont know if it was willing or unwilling, even though I remember having the feeling that it was willing at all, and that I said no.

#2---Jimmy, we slept together one time, it was okay, nothing hugely earthshattering because we were in a hurry, he broke it off with me, then a week later or so called me and said that he had dumped his girlfriend to be with me, i told him that i wasnt interested anymore. i hadnt even known that he had a girlfriend, when i was first with him. we were never really in a relationship or anything like that, it was just a thing.

#3---Albert, who was an alcholic, among many other issues, he was also a good amount older then me, and was just interested in me for a you know what and that was it, which we did of course, but it wasnt even that great with him ,he was big and didnt know how to use it, i broke it off with him because i finally realized that he was interested in only that and nothing more substantial. i think we only lasted a month the most.

#4---Frank, my sons father, who is also my now legal technical husband, I am not going to go into huge amounts of detail with him right now, because lord knows there is a ton of things in here about him on other blogs. legally we have been married for five years, we were seperated for two of those years, and I am not even going to go into everything. you can refer to previous posts because there is a lot of things in here about him.

#5---Matt, oh my god, where do i start, i know that there are several posts about him in here. he had ocd and was an alcholic. i really really cared for him, but the fact that he had those issues and had no drive to do better, was starting to split us apart and get me upset, and then there was a hurricane took everything that we had, and he never came back from where he was on vacation. we lived together and were together for basically a year and a half.

#6---Odie, he had issues, we were together about a month, he dumped me saying that it wasnt him it was me. we ended up getting back together, for i think another few weeks, and then it was ended again, i think by him because he was hardly contacting me and was avoiding me. and it didnt upset me at all the last time because i saw it coming and i wasnt that impressed with him anyway.

#7---Tony, he had even more serious issues, was living with mommy and daddy and they were supporting him, and he wasnt taking care of himself. and he lisitened to everything that they said and made absoluetly no decisions for himself. we lasted i think maybe two months, if that, and he broke up with me before i broke up with him which i was going to do.

#8---Elliott, the spanish guy who didnt speak english, and who my friend had to translate for me, we were short lived but the sexual time that we did have together. wow. it was incredible. it was short the time that we were together though, maybe a few weeks the most. and it wasnt a relationship by any means, it was just a you know what.

#9---Mike, then of course there is mike, my boyfriend that i have at this time, there are plenty of posts about him that are current. so far we have been together about six and a half months.