Boy Was I Wishful Thinking

i must have been wishful thinking yesterday when i was thinking that maybe it was an option to stay at home and give my kids (especially my daughter) the care and attention that they so desperately need. i figured some things out today, and with the bare minimum and that is without groceries, my credit card bills, and other minor things that take money, he would have to pay 750.00 more a month, up until a year from now April 2008 which is when my car would get paid off for, so then it would get dropped to 450.00 per month. but for another year it would be 750.00 per month more plus groceries, credit card bill, and other stuff...and that is of course plus what he already pays which is 1080.00. so for the next year that would total up to 1830.00 which is an insane amount for him to pay. not that i am saying that he couldnt do it, because he could if would manage his money and not blow it, but that doesnt happen. he is behind in his bills right now, which is basically our rent, he paid it late last month, and he is going to have to do that again this month, and so on until he finally catches up, which will hopefully happen soon with this night job that he is starting/has started. but anyway, when i figured all of the money and bills, and expenses out on paper, i dont really think that he can do it. therefore, i am not even going to mention it to him right now. because it is ridiculous to even consider it right now. it is just upsetting to me that i cant stay at home right now and take care of my kids, because they really need me right now, especially my daughter. work wasnt as horrible as i thought that it was going to be today, they had the meeting yesterday that i was talking about here yesterday. about how they dont know anything new about the merger, and that they shouldnt know anything until june. so i guess that we have to wait until them to know anything. which is just great, keeping everyone in suspense wanting to know what is going on. and they also mentioned about the emails and cell phones which i think is absurd. so what i did with my cell phone today was i still left it on my desk, but i put it under a few papers, that way people couldnt see it, but i could hear it if it vibrated. because i need to be able to see and hear my phone in case it is something important, for example an emergency for my kids. it was okay that my manager wasnt there yesterday and i left the message for her i guess, because no one said anything to me about that today. i know that i got a mark against me because of missing these past two days and i had another one from like 2 weeks ago, i just really dont care anymore.