Let's See What Happens

my husband is supposedly trying to go full time with the one remaining job that he has, and has been speaking with them about how much he has to make in order to be able to pay all his bills by just making 40 hours a week there. so me and him figured out how much he needs to make, so that after taxes he still has a little bit left over for himself, and can pay his share of the bills, groceries and daycare. so he said that he told them how much that it was, and that they has said that they would let him know. he claims that they still havent let him know yet. but now tell me if this is very smart, while he is waiting for them to tell him, he is just sitting around doing nothing, instead of putting in more applications and looking for something else too just in case. because what he is asking for is $2.50 an hour more then what he is making there now. so i dont know if he will be getting that. and even with that 2.50 more an hour that he will be making there, he will still only be leaving himself after he pays his share of everything with like 32.00 a week. which is horrible, and i cant really think of the logical reason for that. it isnt that his share of the bills is that much higher then mine, because it isnt, i pay more in bills, and then the exact same as him in groceries and daycare. i guess maybe it is just because i make more then him per hour, i dont know.

the good news today is that i made my appointments for the testing that i have to have done, and also for my followup appointment with my doctor next month, and they were both approved from my job for me to leave early for them. so that was good, at least that was one thing that i dont have to worry about. now all i have to worry about is every single other thing. i have no idea how much the test that i have to have done will be either, they said that it is 5% of whatever the contracted rate is that i have to pay, and i have no idea what that will be and neither did they. so oh well, i am not worried about it. i guess that i can just add that to all the other people i owe if it is too much for me to pay at once. i had an issue with my daughters father and got really upset with him, because today was her birthday, and not only did i not get to see her all for her birthday today, but i didnt get to talk to her or wish her a happy birthday until like 3:20pm because the times before that time that i tried to call him he didnt answer his phone. which made me upset, as if it didnt upset me or depress me enough that i didnt get to see her for her birthday or be with her because it was his day to have her, but i didnt even get to talk to her. i am depressed that i dont get to see her today on her birthday. i also have to worry about refilling my medication that the doctor gave me, because it seems to be making a little bit of a difference with my problems. but unfortunately it isnt that cheap as i am used to most of my medications being on my old insurance. so that is great the last pill that i have is on thursday so i am going to have to worry about getting it refilled in like 2 days. well, i guess that i am just going to have to take it out of the money that i have been saving, there goes more of that money i suppose. and i have been really trying not to touch it too. well, whatever i really dont care anymore. my life stinks already in my opinion so whatever. i know that i havent really been calling anyone or talking to anyone, but right now i really just dont feel like. i am just so unhappy with myself i dont feel like socializing, i am to the point that i have to make myself do my job today. my job involves me talking to people all day, at least 8 hours or more everyday. so that is getting interesting for me to make myself do everyday. i am so relieved when i live there, it isnt that i dont like my job to a point, i just dont feel like talking to anyone anymore. i am withdrawing more and more from everything. i talk to women all day who have the lives that i have wanted and dreamed of every since i was little. as much as this is against everything that those women's lib people have stood up for, i always wanted and dreamed (and still do) of having my husband work, and i take care of the kids and am involved in their lives and schools and drive the minivan and take them to all of their various activities. (well it doesnt exactly have to be a minivan, i like my car too, but you get the picture). and i wanted 3 kids, and to have them all relatively close together, but i dont have any of that. i have the kids, 2 of them, which i love and they are probably the only reason that i am still here, but i have nowhere close to the life that i have wanted. and it doesnt look like it is something that is in my near or even distant future. i also desperately want another kid, but that also doesnt look like it is going to happen. i need a responsible man who i know can afford and take care of the child with me, and the husband i have that will not happen with. he hasnt had his act together in years, if he ever did. so to have another child with him would be dumb, because he cant even take care of the one(s) that he has right now. i am doing the majority of the supporting, so this would be just another responsibility for me and me alone. so there is most of the reasons that i have been so upset lately, i just cant handle everything anymore. i just have so much on me, and no help with coping with it.