"but it sure is hard to do, i know they say that if it dont come back again, then its meant to be, those words dont pull me through, because i am still in love with you."
from Brooks and Dunn "The Long Goodbye"
I have been feeling so depressed and upset about everything that has been going on lately. my anniversary was okay, it wasnt spectacular but i guess that it was better then nothing. my husband and i went out for dinner, and we split the bill. heaven forbid he should ever treat me to anything. and that was it, i didnt get a card or flowers, his excuse was that he has no transportation. but of course having no transportation doesnt stop him when he needs cigarettes, no then he finds a way to get to the store. oh well, i guess i should be happy that we even did anything for it. this month is killing me with all the special occasions and memories. the 15th was my mothers birthday, and then of course the day before that was the night that me and HIM hooked up which was on the 14th, so this would have been our 2 year anniversary if we had stayed together and he hadnt just left and not came back of course. well for my moms anniversary i took her on a day cruise and i paid for every single thing that we did all day, lunch, dinner, drinks everything. i made sure that she paid for nothing. which made her very happy with me, and it made me happy too, because at least i have made someone happy in my life. which isnt something that i really feel like i have done a lot. because it always seems like i have someone whining or annoyed at me. for example, my mother was so happy with me because i treated her so well on her birthday and then when i get home, i have to hear my husband yelling and annoyed and whining because oh no, i actually left him home to take care of the kids while i went out by myself for once. oh no. and it wasnt like this was all the sudden either, i had asked him and he agreed to it about 3-4 weeks ago. i havent heard from HIM in a while. which is surprising, i guess whatever he was going through he is over, and now he doesnt feel lonely or upset anymore like he did. which then means that he doesnt need me. or want me anymore. he only seems to want or miss me when he is lonely, depressed, or drunk. and they usually all go together so it is usually all of them. i dont want to make contact with him, i dont want to call or email him or anything like that, and if he contacts me, i am going to tell him to call the person that he is in a long term relationship with, because it isnt me. so he can just call her. and that is what i am going to tell him. because i am really upset about this, and then i have my husband being really annoying lately, and then i also have my daughters birthday which is coming up soon. and i have something relatively big planned with about 8 adults and 8 kids coming, so i am dealing with that and planning it too. so i am having a realllllllyyyyy hard time dealing with everything that i have going on right now and my emotions with everything. oh and then i havent been feeling well today i started off with a migraine, and then my throat is sore and my legs are aching for no reason, and my husband has been sick for like a week, so i really hope that i am not getting sick now too, in addition to the other problem that i have been having that i am dealing with that i have to go to a specialist for on friday. so that is great. i am definetly not dealing with all of this very well at all. i just dont know what to do anymore, i dont really have the time to go to a therapist again once a week and i didnt like the way that the medication was making me feel, so i dont know.
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