Useless Dreams

my husband somehow, through some miracle was able to come up with the whole amount of the rent and left me with not having to pay any of it. so i have all the money for the rent, and dont have to worry about adding any money to it at all. the only thing that i had to pay myself was one week of his share of the groceries, which i am not thrilled about, but at least i dont have to worry about paying a portion of the rent too along with that. i was planning on paying the groceries and about 100-200 dollars towards the rent so at least i dont have to do that this time. at the last minute he was able to come up with like an extra 125 dollars towards the rent. he is good, what can i say, he has done this many times. where you dont think that he will have the money for the rent, and then he comes up with it out of nowhere. it is amazing. so i am looking at my calendar, and thinking to myself, this pays us for the month of august, and then all that leaves is sept and oct, and then if i was leaving or we were leaving the month of november is already paid through the last month of the lease and that would be it. but with the happiness that comes with thinking that, comes reality smacking me in the head and saying that where am i going to go and what would i do. i cant pay all the bills even with cutting some of them down as much as possible along with paying rent too. i just cant do it no matter how much i want too unfortunately. what would probably be the best thing for me to do would be to just get a place to live on my own, but financially i cant do that. i just have to many bills, i cant even say it is because i dont make enough because i do pretty well at work, it is just that i have too many things to pay. and then of course the other stupid idea that runs through my head sometimes of calling HIM and telling him about having almost enough money for first last and security and telling him about all of that goes out of my head just as soon as it goes back in, because i havent heard from him in so long, what is on his profile about being in a long term relationship and also him always saying that he misses and loves me but never always saying that he couldnt be with me again. so all of this is just useless dreams that dont seem like they will ever come true, and is something that just cant be achieved.

Can't We Just Forget About It

even though i may try as hard as i can i just cant forget about HIM. and it isnt even that there are stupid little things that remind me of him everywhere. no, it is that other people have to bring HIM up to me too. like my dad for example. at my daughters birthday party, of all places, which is supposed to be a happy occasion, he brings him up and then starts asking me if i have heard from him and if i know how he is doing. so of course i tell him that i havent heard from him in a while, which is a surprise considering how much i was hearing from him last month. but maybe now his life is better, and he isnt as drunk, sick, or depressed as he was last month. because it seems like that is when he calls me. so then my dad of course has to add the famous line that he loves to say about him, you know i really liked him. and my dad has never said that about anybody that i have dated, lived with, married etc. everyone else was always tolerated, and for my dad to say this about HIM even considering how he screwed me over, left me, then screwed me (literally) and left me again that is saying a lot. and then thank god he finally dropped it, because i was getting ready to cry. and then not that many days later, my daughter had to start on me, naming all of the things that he had done for her, what he had bought her, how he treated her, and if i missed him because she really missed him and the life that we had with him. and she was asking again why he left, so i told her the same line that i have been telling her and frankie which is that he wanted to be near his mom, and then i said that he wasnt coming back. hoping that she would then drop it. but she wouldnt. and it was/is killing me more and more. because when he left he didnt damage and hurt only me, he did it to my kids too. my daughter has lived with so many different male figures in the same house with her, that it is amazing that she isnt really screwed up in the head. she has lived with her father, then my husband, then her father again, then HIM, and now my husband again. poor kid. thankfully my son doesnt really remember any of that anymore, because he was so young. i dont think that he even really remembers HIM anymore, because he doesnt even mention him. i just wish that people would stop bringing him up, it isnt helping me to keep talking about him. it just makes it worse, and makes me feel even more depressed and upset and sets me back more. i dont want to remember how he spent all the money that he had at the time to buy my daughter the special toy that she wanted for her birthday, or how he would watch the kids when i went somewhere, and actually insisted on doing that so i could have sometime to myself. or how he treated my kids so well like they were his. or how on several drunk occasions of his he asked me to marry him, and then on sober occasions he would hint at it. remembering all that doesnt help. what i need to remember is the times when he would get drunk (like every night) and throw up in the toilet sometimes, which was disgusting, or have friends over and then pass out and leave me to deal with everything. or losing his temper on the night that we were supposed to celebrate our one year anniversary and kick the wall and almost break his toe. or when he peed somewhere that wasnt the toilet bowl, which was disgusting. or how he left promising that he would come back, and just never did and left me to pick up the pieces. yeah, good luck to me to only remember the bad when all i am reminded of is the good.

Let's See What Happens

my husband is supposedly trying to go full time with the one remaining job that he has, and has been speaking with them about how much he has to make in order to be able to pay all his bills by just making 40 hours a week there. so me and him figured out how much he needs to make, so that after taxes he still has a little bit left over for himself, and can pay his share of the bills, groceries and daycare. so he said that he told them how much that it was, and that they has said that they would let him know. he claims that they still havent let him know yet. but now tell me if this is very smart, while he is waiting for them to tell him, he is just sitting around doing nothing, instead of putting in more applications and looking for something else too just in case. because what he is asking for is $2.50 an hour more then what he is making there now. so i dont know if he will be getting that. and even with that 2.50 more an hour that he will be making there, he will still only be leaving himself after he pays his share of everything with like 32.00 a week. which is horrible, and i cant really think of the logical reason for that. it isnt that his share of the bills is that much higher then mine, because it isnt, i pay more in bills, and then the exact same as him in groceries and daycare. i guess maybe it is just because i make more then him per hour, i dont know.

the good news today is that i made my appointments for the testing that i have to have done, and also for my followup appointment with my doctor next month, and they were both approved from my job for me to leave early for them. so that was good, at least that was one thing that i dont have to worry about. now all i have to worry about is every single other thing. i have no idea how much the test that i have to have done will be either, they said that it is 5% of whatever the contracted rate is that i have to pay, and i have no idea what that will be and neither did they. so oh well, i am not worried about it. i guess that i can just add that to all the other people i owe if it is too much for me to pay at once. i had an issue with my daughters father and got really upset with him, because today was her birthday, and not only did i not get to see her all for her birthday today, but i didnt get to talk to her or wish her a happy birthday until like 3:20pm because the times before that time that i tried to call him he didnt answer his phone. which made me upset, as if it didnt upset me or depress me enough that i didnt get to see her for her birthday or be with her because it was his day to have her, but i didnt even get to talk to her. i am depressed that i dont get to see her today on her birthday. i also have to worry about refilling my medication that the doctor gave me, because it seems to be making a little bit of a difference with my problems. but unfortunately it isnt that cheap as i am used to most of my medications being on my old insurance. so that is great the last pill that i have is on thursday so i am going to have to worry about getting it refilled in like 2 days. well, i guess that i am just going to have to take it out of the money that i have been saving, there goes more of that money i suppose. and i have been really trying not to touch it too. well, whatever i really dont care anymore. my life stinks already in my opinion so whatever. i know that i havent really been calling anyone or talking to anyone, but right now i really just dont feel like. i am just so unhappy with myself i dont feel like socializing, i am to the point that i have to make myself do my job today. my job involves me talking to people all day, at least 8 hours or more everyday. so that is getting interesting for me to make myself do everyday. i am so relieved when i live there, it isnt that i dont like my job to a point, i just dont feel like talking to anyone anymore. i am withdrawing more and more from everything. i talk to women all day who have the lives that i have wanted and dreamed of every since i was little. as much as this is against everything that those women's lib people have stood up for, i always wanted and dreamed (and still do) of having my husband work, and i take care of the kids and am involved in their lives and schools and drive the minivan and take them to all of their various activities. (well it doesnt exactly have to be a minivan, i like my car too, but you get the picture). and i wanted 3 kids, and to have them all relatively close together, but i dont have any of that. i have the kids, 2 of them, which i love and they are probably the only reason that i am still here, but i have nowhere close to the life that i have wanted. and it doesnt look like it is something that is in my near or even distant future. i also desperately want another kid, but that also doesnt look like it is going to happen. i need a responsible man who i know can afford and take care of the child with me, and the husband i have that will not happen with. he hasnt had his act together in years, if he ever did. so to have another child with him would be dumb, because he cant even take care of the one(s) that he has right now. i am doing the majority of the supporting, so this would be just another responsibility for me and me alone. so there is most of the reasons that i have been so upset lately, i just cant handle everything anymore. i just have so much on me, and no help with coping with it.

More Of My Life Sucks

well, surprise surprise, my husband still doesnt have another job yet, and he is just working at the one that he has so far for like 20 or 25 hours a week or so, which is not paying the bills. so more surprises, he isnt going to have all the money to pay the rent by the 1st. and even more surprises, i am going to have come with the money that he is going to be short, or we wont have a house to live in. and there goes some of the money that i was supposed to be trying to save in case anything happened, like what is always in the back of mind as the inevitable which is that we get evicted. i have myself in the perfect position, i cant afford to have an apartment by myself, and my husband is draining all my money because he doesnt pay all of his share of the bills, just enough so that in the back of mind i dont really think that it would be worth it to kick his butt out or leave him. plus i dont have anything better out there waiting for me either. at least not that i know of at this point. my daughter had a nice time at her party, which makes me very happy, however, two of my "friends" (not that i think that they are anymore) didnt bother to show up with their kids like they had told me that they would, no call or nothing. what pieces of garbage they are in my opinion at this point. so that made me unhappy. thankfully, my sister in law and her son, and one of my friends from work with her two kids showed up, so at least their were some kids at her party. but that still makes me so unhappy, how crappy is that, they didnt even call or anything. that just shows who my true friends are, and it isnt them that is for sure. not that i really considered them really good friends, cause i didnt, but they were like distance friends that you contact parties and to chat every once in a while. which is something that i wont be doing after this now. and of course at the party today, my dad had to bring HIM up. i dont know how the subject got started but it was on his end, and there we went. he said that he really liked him, and if i had heard from him. so i said that i didnt, and that the last time that i heard from him was like july 1st, but that was actually not correct, it was actually earlier then that it was on june 30th. which now that i think about it, it has been almost a month. which is odd considering that he was calling me all the time for a while there. i looked at his profile and it was updated on 7/22 so that definetly means that he is still alive, and the long term relationship thing is still on there. bastard. stupid me, i considered for a split second calling him and telling him that i was close to having enough to put down an apartment and if he would move in with him. yeah i know, it was a stupid moment. like HE would really want to do that. i am just so upset with him right now, i really dont know what i would say if he called. i would probably just tell him to talk to the person that HE is in his long term relationship with, and not me. my trip to the specialists office was really fun on friday, i had a very uncomfortable procedure done, was told needed to go for more testing, and also was given a medication "to see how it works" that if i am put on for maintenance is a very expensive medication. well, it isnt horribly expensive, but for my budget at this moment everything is. and then i have to go back to the doctors in a month to followup after everything is done. so this is wonderful. i am going to have to try to get more time off work, which i am sure that my job is going to love. so lets see how well that works. and then god knows how much this test is going to be, i havent been able to find out yet. so long story short, as you can see. i am just getting more and more depressed and frustrated with everything. its like i am on a merry go round and have no way of getting off. i feel like i have no options, and i just have to keep trying to do everything that i am. i am just so miserable. and you would think that after all this with my husband that he would be nicer to me. well he isnt treating me better that is for sure, now he is just testier and more of a jerk instead. and he expects me to help him pay his share of the bills, he even made a comment when i said how are you going to be able to pay your bills this month now, and he said well i guess that you are just going to have to help me huh? i looked him and i think that i said, yeah right, but that is what i am going to have to end up doing. because if he is short like 100-200 short on the bills plus the grocery money, what am i going to do, get evicted just for that little amount of money? no, i would just rather pay it instead. it is just easier. we will see exactly how much he ends up being short though. and then the money that i have to pay for the bills and the groeceries will just come out of the money that i was trying to save. wonderful.

More Wonderful Things To Make Me Even More Stressed

well more great news to make me want to flip out and get upset even more. my husband claims that he had to quit his job because someone at work was threatening him, so he HAD to quit. so i of course quite calmly told him that he didnt have to quit that was his choice. oh no, he had to or he claims that he would have went to jail for beating this guy up because if he stayed there he would have had to beat him up. so he quit because of that reason. not that i shouldnt have seen it coming, because he had been whining about his job for the past several weeks, and how much he didnt like, blah, blah, blah. but the smart thing of course is to always get something else first before you leave the job that is paying all the bills for your family. but why should he do anything that makes any sense? i dont know, he never seems to. i am just so upset about this i really dont know what to do. as if i wasnt flipping out and upset enough as it was before, now i am really upset, i am just not handling any of this very well at all. if i was really bad before, i dont know what i am now. i am to the point of teetering on insanity i guess. i just dont know what to do. i was asking him what he plans on doing about the bills and how he was going to pay them and he quite he calmly answered me back that i was just going to have to help him out. so i just as calmly told him that i didnt have the money and that wasnt going to be able to happen. and that he was going to have to come up with some other options, so now lets see what he says. because even though he still has the other job that he just got, that is only for a few days a week and not that much money per hour or that many hours. so even though that will help out, that by itself isnt going to make it. he pissed me off today even more because yesterday he had lost the job around 1pm, he goes home and sleeps until he has to pick up my son at school at like 6pm. and then today he said that he filled out a few applications (translation, probably two the most) and then he again went home and took a nap. isnt that wonderful? he is doing more sleeping it seems then looking for a job. and i wonder why i am suddenly discovering more and more gray hairs in my head. and HE of course hasnt called me for a while now. whatever, after what i saw in that profile that HE had put there, i really just dont want to talk to HIM. part of me does, because i do still care for him and probably love him, but i am just so upset right now. and i am sure that the reason that i am not hearing from him right now is because things are going okay for him, because he only calls when things arent okay, or when he is sick and no one is there for him. so now that he doesnt need me anymore, he isnt calling me. if i did talk to him right now, i am so upset with him that i would tell all about his long term relationship and that he can just call the person that he is in that relationship with, because it isnt me. i took my son to get his haircut today, he looks so cute. i will put up a picture of him on here with his new haircut. he looks adorable. my daughter, who is having her birthday party this weekend and whos birthday is on the 25th is going to be having her haircut on friday most likely. so once hers is cut i will put her picture on here too. i am just hoping that everything starts to go okay with me, because i am under so much stress right now and flipping out about everything that i dont know how much more that i can stand.

I Know They Say That If You Love Somebody,You Should Set Them Free...

"but it sure is hard to do, i know they say that if it dont come back again, then its meant to be, those words dont pull me through, because i am still in love with you."
from Brooks and Dunn "The Long Goodbye"

I have been feeling so depressed and upset about everything that has been going on lately. my anniversary was okay, it wasnt spectacular but i guess that it was better then nothing. my husband and i went out for dinner, and we split the bill. heaven forbid he should ever treat me to anything. and that was it, i didnt get a card or flowers, his excuse was that he has no transportation. but of course having no transportation doesnt stop him when he needs cigarettes, no then he finds a way to get to the store. oh well, i guess i should be happy that we even did anything for it. this month is killing me with all the special occasions and memories. the 15th was my mothers birthday, and then of course the day before that was the night that me and HIM hooked up which was on the 14th, so this would have been our 2 year anniversary if we had stayed together and he hadnt just left and not came back of course. well for my moms anniversary i took her on a day cruise and i paid for every single thing that we did all day, lunch, dinner, drinks everything. i made sure that she paid for nothing. which made her very happy with me, and it made me happy too, because at least i have made someone happy in my life. which isnt something that i really feel like i have done a lot. because it always seems like i have someone whining or annoyed at me. for example, my mother was so happy with me because i treated her so well on her birthday and then when i get home, i have to hear my husband yelling and annoyed and whining because oh no, i actually left him home to take care of the kids while i went out by myself for once. oh no. and it wasnt like this was all the sudden either, i had asked him and he agreed to it about 3-4 weeks ago. i havent heard from HIM in a while. which is surprising, i guess whatever he was going through he is over, and now he doesnt feel lonely or upset anymore like he did. which then means that he doesnt need me. or want me anymore. he only seems to want or miss me when he is lonely, depressed, or drunk. and they usually all go together so it is usually all of them. i dont want to make contact with him, i dont want to call or email him or anything like that, and if he contacts me, i am going to tell him to call the person that he is in a long term relationship with, because it isnt me. so he can just call her. and that is what i am going to tell him. because i am really upset about this, and then i have my husband being really annoying lately, and then i also have my daughters birthday which is coming up soon. and i have something relatively big planned with about 8 adults and 8 kids coming, so i am dealing with that and planning it too. so i am having a realllllllyyyyy hard time dealing with everything that i have going on right now and my emotions with everything. oh and then i havent been feeling well today i started off with a migraine, and then my throat is sore and my legs are aching for no reason, and my husband has been sick for like a week, so i really hope that i am not getting sick now too, in addition to the other problem that i have been having that i am dealing with that i have to go to a specialist for on friday. so that is great. i am definetly not dealing with all of this very well at all. i just dont know what to do anymore, i dont really have the time to go to a therapist again once a week and i didnt like the way that the medication was making me feel, so i dont know.

Stabbed Straight Through The Heart

i really feel like i have been stabbed straight through the heart. last night i was on the internet and was just surfing around. and i checked out my profile on a certain website, and i updated it. while i was there, i dont know why, i decided to look at HIS profile and see if he had updated it too. and what i saw on there just felt like someone took my heart, stabbed, and then ripped it out of my chest and squeezed it as hard as they could. that is really what it felt like. my heart literally hurt, and it still hurts now just thinking about it. because what i was used to seeing on there where it says Marital status is no answer which is exactly what mine says, and which is what his ever since me and him split was that. but no it said Long-term Relationship. and it said the last update was 06/20/06 which means that on that date he went and changed it or updated it and either added that or left that on there from the last time that i had seen it. so basically what all of this translates into is that i am right now a combination of pissed off at him and so depressed and upset with him. i really have to wonder why the hell is calling me and telling me these things when he seems to be in this kind of a relationship with her? he updated this on 6/20 saying that he is in a long term relationship (which has to be with her because it isnt with me) and 6/29 he told me that he loved me twice and that he misses me. and then he calls me 3 times on 6/30 but doesnt get to talk to me. then he calls me again on 7/1 because he doesnt feel good, and is talking about how i used to take such good care of him and also how are sex was when he was sick. and then he calls me again on 7/5. so does all this sound like someone who is a long term relationship? no, it doesnt. so why the hell is he doing this to us? and i mean us by me and the girl. not that i feel sorry for her ass, that is for sure, but he is majorly screwing with me, whether on purpose or not. and he is definetly not being up front with her that is for sure. i am sure that if she knew about all the calls and the content of them, that she would flip. that and the fact that he cheated on her too. i know that i would flip from even knowing some of that, never mind all. i was considering sending him an angry and upset email after seeing that of even calling him and telling him how i felt but why bother. it is obvious to me, as it has been for a while that he is a very confused man. and doesnt know what he wants. so i really dont know anymore. what i do know is that i am very upset about all of this, and i have been really wanting to do something that i havent wanted to do in a while, just so that it will make me feel better. but it probably wont, i really dont know what will anymore, this just has me really depressed.

on another interesting hand, my anniversary of four years is tomorrow, and my husband wasnt to smart last night by saying what a minute how have we been married 4 years and our son is 3 years old, so i said because our son is almost 3 years and 3 months old, and i got pregnant a week after we got married. so supposedly he said that he is going to get me cards and a flower and also we are going to go out to dinner. so we will see that will be nice if it all happens. he is already saying that he doesnt feel well and he feels sick, so we will see if he doesnt try to use that as an excuse or whine about it.

No More Calls And Some Speculation

well, he hasnt called me since the morning after the fourth of july. so maybe he is starting to feel better or isnt drinking so much, who knows why the calling that had increased dramatically has decreased again. maybe he realized that unless he is willing to do something about it, which he isnt, that there is no point to him calling me like that anymore. who knows. i was talking to my best friend about everything last night, and about why he seems like he is never happy with anything there, and how he said that he has no friends there and misses his father and stepmother. and her theory was that he will be moving back here. she was really certain about it, the same way that she was certain about what was going to happen in january before it happened with me and him. so maybe she will be right, i dont know. the only thing that is stopping me from really agreeing with that is all the factors that are up there, like his brother his so called girlfriend and his mother. so i dont know. i do know that, as i have previously stated i will not move up there and change my life for him. that was an option before in my mind, (not that he ever came me the impression that it would happen but anyway), now it isnt an option in my mind anymore. because of how irresponsible and how everything has been going for him, and how he really hasnt changed much in the past over 8 months. for example, he is still working at the same crappy job, making probably the same money or less, and he really hates it now. he was even telling me about how crappy it is. and he is drinking more then he was when he was with me before. and he isnt getting help for it. and those were the two major reasons that we were having our problems before. and he hasnt changed anything. me on the other hand, i couldnt stand my job that i had before, so i looked for and got this one, and then left my other one. and what did i get out of it? i pay 20 dollars less a month for good insurance, i make about 3 dollars an hour more, have the same if not better benefits, and have lately been able to get overtime which translates into extra money. and i am appreciated at my job, and dont have management constantly yelling at me every day like i did before. and so that was a major improvement for me. and he has made none. he has actually gotten worse. so that is why i definetly wouldnt move to another state and start my life over for him like i had said before that i would. however, a maybe option, (i would still have to do some serious consideration for this one) would be him moving down here and staying with his dad for a while (who has his room, that is where he was living when i first met him) and saving his money and me saving our money and after a few months getting together again. but who knows if he would ever do that, when he first moved up there he was saying that he didnt want to ever live in florida again. and that he liked that state, so he will probably never do that. but that is the only that i would ever consider being with him again. i will not move to another state and start my life all over again. (especially when i just finished doing that). especially with his record.

well this tuesday, the 11th, is me and my husbands fourth anniversary. yes we were seperated for 2 of those years, but it is still technically four years. so we will see if he does anything for it. he was already telling me when i said something to him that he didnt have any money, and so i made a comment about it not having to cost him much money that it was the thought that counted. even the him not having much money was a pile of you know what, because he is working 2 jobs right now, so he definetly has enough money so he can afford to get his WIFE something for their fourth anniversary. after all this makes four years that i put up with his ass and didnt divorce him. so we will see hopefully he doesnt screw it up. or i will be really upset.

The Phone Call The Day After

i got the phone call that i thought that i was going to get on the actual day of fourth of july technically the day after the 4th, because it was at 1:49am late in the night on the fourth/early in the morning on the fifth. so he did call. i am sure that he was highly drunk, i wonder if he was going down memory lane just like i was yesterday, thinking of all the memories, and everything happened the first month of july that we were together. it was a good month, and he really courted me and treated me like a princess. it was really nice for a long time with us, we hardly ever fought and when we did it wasnt really a big deal, but then towards the end it got worse. i guess i should feel better that i am not the only one that regrets a lot of what happened or thinks about it a lot because from the comments that he has been making lately, he must feel the same way. and he never seems happy. but he doesnt change anything in his life to make himself happy, go figure. i know that i made him happy, and he was happy with me. i never will question that. all i know is that in order for me to be with him and change me and my childrens life again, it would definetly take a lot of thought. that is not something like before where i always said that if he said that he wanted to get back together, i would do it without hesitation. now there would definetly be hesitation with it. if i did at all. i really dont know. i know that part of me still loves him, and feels sorry for everything and just want to take care of him and make everything better for him, but then i will be completely changing the life again that i worked so hard to rebuild for me and my children. but listen to me going on like that is even something that i would ever be given the option to do, it isnt. because he has always made it painfully clear that no matter how much he misses me or loves me he isnt willing to change anything to do anything about it. so that is that.

well thankfully i felt okay enough today that i made it through work and even got there an hour earlier and stayed 15 minutes later. i felt okay enough to stay more but i couldnt because everyone else left on time. oh well, that is fine. i am happy just getting what i can, any extra pay that i can get is fine with me.

Happy Fourth Of July, Here Comes The Memories

okay, so happy fourth of july, and here comes all the memories to go along with it. today exactly two years ago, was the first time that i met HIM. i was invited to a fourth of july party given by a friend of mine at work, and i went to it, and he was there because he was her best friend. and that was how we met, and then 10 days later through her again we went out one night as a group and me and him ended up hooking up. and ever since then we were together for the next one year and three months after that. so today was the fateful day of how i met him. so very big trip down memory lane today for me. and to make it even worse, ever since the night that he wasnt feeling well, and we were talking for a while and i was concerned and making sure that he was okay, i havent spoken with him since. and i wasnt feeling good at that time either, but he hasnt called me since. so i guess he doesnt care how i am feeling, i guess as long as he is feeling okay. what a bum. (that is putting it nicely). it is just upsetting. the 14th of this month would have been the two year anniversary of us being together. if we had stayed together. i really dont think that he is happy where he is, he was telling me that his job stinks and he hates it, he has no friends there, the friends that he thought that he had were just using him, and the best friend that he had (who is the one that i met him through, who lives down here) is getting married so she doesnt really pay attention to him anymore. i dont know everytime that i talk to him he just sounds so unhappy. i just cant believe that i havent talked to him ever since he was sick and i was comforting him. talk about using. he just wanted someone to talk to and no one else was available so i guess that is why he wanted to talk to me. whatever. what else is new. i had told him during that conversation that i had given up on me and him being together and that if that wasnt going to happen i just wanted him to be happy. i also remember that i said that i wasnt feeling good and he had asked if i was pregnant, and i asked him why it would matter to him anyway, and he wouldnt answer that he just kept asking me. i of course finally told him no, but still why does he even care? i also remember that the kids were still awake in the beginning of the conversation and he heard them and said something about how big that they were getting, i forgot what i had said and then he said forget it or something like that, i hurt them enough already. at least he realizes what he has done i guess. and it must be haunting him for him to keep mentioning something about it. he asked me in a conversation if the kids still talk about him, so i told him the truth that my son doesnt really ask about him, but that my daughter who is the older one remembers him and asks about him a lot. i dont think that my son remembers him anymore. which is good, because he is out of their lives. so anyway that i think that i have done enough ranting. i guess.

to make it this month even more interesting, me and my husbands anniversary is on the 11th (which just so happens to be 3 days before the day that me and HIM got together and was our anniversary). it is going to be our four year anniversary. then on the 15th its my mothers birthday, then on the 25th it is my daughters birthday. so july is a very busy month for me, and an emotional month too. my son has been making potty training advances, which is good. hopefully he will keep up the good work, he is thankfully heading in the right direction. i am still not feeling 100% better, i would say that i am feeling maybe 50%-75% better. i still have this one issue that bugs me at times, and then now the doctor thinks that i have a virus on top of that, which is why the 2 antibiotics that i am on right now arent working. so that is wonderful. i am trying to kick it, and sometimes i really feel good and then other times ugh. today i had off from work, so i slept until about 9:45am which was good. and then i didnt do much today, and i stayed home until after 3pm. so i feel that i got as much rest today as i possibly could. i hope that i get through the rest of the week okay, i have 3 more days to go now before i have the weekend off. hopefully i can get through those three days. i cant miss any work, and if i feel up to it i would like to get some overtime tomorrow, because i wont be able to stay any other night this week. so we will see it depends on how late my managers stay there, i can only stay as late as them. so far this week i dont have any overtime because the hour extra i came in on monday balanced with the hour earlier that i left that day to go to the doctor. but that is good that i didnt lose any money too. i have been getting really depressed and upset about not feeling well, i mean honestly, like i dont have enough to worry about or be upset about, i also have the fact that i havent felt well in well over a month with one thing or another. everything is just upsetting for me right now, i was sobbing sunday night that was how bad and hopeless that i felt at that moment. i have so much right now that i am upset about, my husband said that i need to see a therapist again. i guess he is thinking that without the medicine and seeing the therapist i am not handling everything as well as i used to. i dont know. i am just trying to handle everything in my own way. if i felt all better, it would definetly help improve my mood. that is for sure.

Interesting Stuff

well last night HE called me, maybe at around 8:30 or 9pm, and said that he wasnt feeling well, and had a stomach flu or something. and we talked for a few minutes, and he kept saying how no one would talk to him or could right now, his brother was away. his whatever the heck she is was working, etc, and i was talking to him, and all the sudden he says i gotta go, ill call you back. and like 10 minutes go by and he doesnt call back, so i called him back twice til he finally called me back, to make sure that he was okay. and he was like amazed that i had called him back to make sure that he was okay, because i cared. and i said of course i do. and he was talking about how i used to take care of him when he was sick, and i said i bet that she doesnt treat you like that. and he ended up admitting that she wouldnt. and he was also talking about other stuff like what i used to wear to bed, and how much **x that we used to have when one of us was sick and staying home from work. and then i said that i had to go get some sleep (i was feeling really crappy) and he said okay thank you for talking to me, and i said okay no problem i'll talk to you later. and i put the phone down and on vibrate and started to get ready for bed. evidentally five minutes after that he must have called me back but didnt leave a message. this whole thing is just weird, i dont know what to think of all of this. and to make things more interesting i am sick, with several different very annoying and uncomfortable things wrong with me. at least one good thing happened, my husband got another job this one for the weekend in addition to the one that he has right now for during the week, so that he will have extra money and give me all the money that he is supposed to every month for everything. so that is good. hopefully both jobs will last now.