Again And Again And Again

i dont know, HE really has problems that is all that i know. after the conversation that i had with him yesterday i thought that he had come to an understanding in his head that probably calling me in the middle of the night when he is drunk isnt a good idea. well apparently he didnt reach said understanding. because last night/this morning apparently he called me a total of 3 times, the last one being at 1am. and i didnt answer because thankfully he didnt wake me up out of my sleep. so why he was he calling me again last night? who knows, probably because he was drunk off his ass again and feeling sorry for himself and everything that happened and missing me. i have to wonder if now, in the 8 months that me and him have been apart, if him or anyone else in his so "wonderful" family has now realized what could care that i always took of him. he was never like this the whole time that we were together which was over a year, he never flipped out like this, i wouldnt let him leave the house drunk, and i would never let him get to this point. and he never did. but now look at him. i wonder if anyone notices the difference between the way that he is now how much he has been going down, and the way that he was then. probably not. i know that i was so good for him. and i really do still love him, because even though i didnt call him today to make sure that he was alright after the phone calls last night i really wanted to because i am worried about him, and i really feel sorry for him. i just want the best for him. because evidentally no one up there gives a crap about him, not his brother who he is living with who let him wonder around the city drunk off his butt, and end up in a ditch before finally having someone else tell him that he should probably look for him, not his mother who knows that he has all these issues, and definetly not his so called girlfriend. because he is calling me and telling me that he misses me, and all of those things. and also of she cared so much about him (like i always did) i never let him get like this, even when i wasnt living with him. so the excuse that she doesnt live with him is no excuse. but with all that and still loving him, if he called me tomorrow and said that he wants me to move up there with him and be together again, i really am not sure if i would do it. (not that i think that will happen.) because this is reminding me how irresponsible and unstable that he is. and i dont think that i would want to start my life and my kids life over again, and take them away from their fathers with him being like this and not knowing if i can help him go back to the way that he was. where he can at least manage and balance his life and issues. now if he was to say that he would move back here and we could be together, that i might do, i would be more inclined to do that so that i could still maintain me and my kids lives that we have here. (but i REALLY REALLY REALLY doubt if that would happen.) and even still that would lead me to a lot of consideration to, especially the fact of he left me once he could just as easily leave me again. and all these issues that he has too. not that i think anything like that would happen. just that i guess my mind has been changing lately. before i would have said without hesitation that i would have moved to where he is to be with him and started a new life or i would have been with him here if he came back, now both of them would have me majorly hesitating first before saying anything.

The Truth Of All The Calls Again

well i was trying to sleep last night like most normal people do at night, and i woke up at 3:30am with my phone vibrating on my dresser and then falling off my dresser and onto the floor. so i look at who is calling me and of course it is HIM. so i held the phone in my hand looking at it to see if i should answer it, and i didnt. then while i am still holding it, he calls me again. so this time, i let it go but called him back. i figured i was awake anyway, why not see what he wants. so i called him back he answers completely drunk off his rear, and said that he was wondering around downtown in the city that he lives in. basically to sum up the call, it was the same crap, he said that he loved me at least 2 times, and that he missed me. and that he wanted to hear my voice. then he asked me if i loved him even with his issues, and i of course said yes that i had. and he said that he cant sleep hasnt slept in days it is like rhinos are in his head keeping him awake. he said that he could apologize to me and my kids for the rest of his life and that it wouldnt make up for it (what he did). and he said at least 2 times that he really messed up, so i said that everything could be fixed and he said that it couldnt. i asked where his girlfriend was and he said that she was at her fathers. (maybe she lives there?) so anyway i said that i had to get some sleep for work the next day, and he said okay i will call you back in 15 minutes, and i said no i have to sleep. and that was it. after that type of conversation of course it took me at least an hour to get myself back to sleep.

i was worried about him just wondering around the city by himself drunk off his butt, so i called him today to make sure that he was alive. he was he said that his brother had to come and find him and that he was in a ditch, apparently this was about 20 minutes after i talked to him. he said that he hadnt showered in 3 days, couldnt sleep, was having a nervous breakdown because of everything that was going on. he said that he had called in to work yesterday, was having issues with leaving the house, and that he was constantly drunk. (he was already drunk and i think it was like 3:15pm). he said that he hates his job and that he misses his father and stepmother (who live here where i am). he also said that he has bruises all over his body and he doesnt know how he got them. i asked him why he keeps telling me these things that evidentally they arent true, and he said that with part of him they are true but the other part of him doesnt know what he wants. he said several times through the conversation something like i should probably just not call you anymore, or call you at these times or something like that. i didnt agree with him, i dont think that i said anything. the way that we ended it was he said something like talk to you later, or something like that nothing definite. and that was that.

Correction To Yesterdays Post---Hating Men

okay, let me expand on what i said yesterday. i really really really hate men now. so after all that yesterday and i finally get a hold of HIM to talk to him, and learn that it was absoluetly none of what i was thinking, and was just him being paranoid, he says that he is going to call me back later. do you want to guess when he called me LATER? he called me at approx 1:45am last night/this morning. how incredible is that? did he actually expect for me to answer the phone at that time? doesnt he think that i still work the same hours that i used to, and that like normal people i actually sleep at that time. who the hell knows. all i know is that freaking pissed me off even more at him now. because what the hell is the point in him calling me that late.

my husband had applied for a job on the weekends and he said that they had called him back today, and that he had an appt to go there (for an interview?) on saturday. so hopefully that will go well and he will get that job for the weekends, because we can really use the money. that way things wont be so tight.

I Really Really Really Dont Like Men Right Now

times every time that i have ever said that by like three or four and that is how i feel right now. i am just so depressed. my job is so busy it is insane, i really hope that they hire someone else or something, because it is so stressful and crazy that is nerve racking for me. not that they dont treat me good or anything and everything else about it is good, so i probably shouldnt complain about it.

but that doesnt really have anything to do with the i hate men thing, no what really has to do with that is HE called me six times last night, i dont know at what times, all i know is that the last one was about 1:45am this morning/last night however you want to think about. so there were many things going through my head when i saw that, it was like things were zooming through. like is everything okay, did someone die or get hurt, did that girl dump him or did he break up with her, is he down here and want to see me, so as you can imagine, my brain was doing wild things with this because i couldnt imagine why he would call me on sat night and leave a message and then call me 6 times last night. so i finally get a hold of him (after i called him at around 10am and left a message, and he didnt call me back, and then i called him at 12:30 and hung up when he didnt answer.) so he still didnt call me back around 5pm, so i called him because by now i am freaking out thinking that something happened, and he answers the phone and says that he is at work, and that he was just worried because he hadnt heard from me since i got back from my trip (which was 2 weeks ago, but i guess that he had called me, as a hang up incredibly late so i didnt answer or call him back). so he apologized for calling me so many times but said that his issue that he had latched onto something being wrong and that was why he had called so many times to make sure that everything was okay. so then i said that we were all in one piece, and he said that he was at work and asked if he could call me back later so i said okay, and that was that. maybe i shouldnt be that mad at him, but he got me so worked up imagining all of these different things and then it was absolutely none of them. sigh.

then my husband with this cutting back on hours thing, he was home with me on saturday all day and then sunday all day. and then of course everyday that i come home he is there, i just cant get rid of him. and then i was thinking of going out tonight just to do something and get away, anything, but i didnt end up doing that. but the thing about it was that he threw a fit about that, like it was horrible for me to even think of having sometime to myself. i really dont like men sometimes. and then he is taking his time finding a job for the weekend like he said that he was going to do, because now with him being short hours, he is shorting on money for groceries and everything else, so that is making it even more difficult for me and making me even more broke then i was before. such bull. and he isnt even rushing to find another job, it is like he doesnt even care. and now my health seems to going downhill, everything is hurting and starting up hurting at once, which stinks. i hope that my health isnt going to start having all these issues at once, i dont know how more that i can take. and then to make things even better, there was a really bad storm at my house while we were all gone, so my dog flipped out and destroyed all our blinds, and now i am going to have to worry about replacing them and him doing it again. wonderful, no wonder i am depressed. i am seriously considering taking my medication again, because i am really going wayyyyy down again. i just hated the way that it made me feel though that is the only thing stopping me. it made me feel so spaced out and dazed.

Ahhh good old childrens parties

i took my kids to my sons little friends birthday party yesterday. the kids had fun, which was good. i didnt have as much fun, there was mostly family at the birthday party and no one else, so they all hung out together and basically ignored everyone else. which stunk. at least my husband came with me, so it wasnt as bad as if i was there by myself. then i would have felt really alone and left out, and would probably have left after only being there a short time. i have been feeling a little bit better, so hopefully i will stay feeling better. i tried to call in one of my prescriptions today, but they said that my prescription had expired, so now i am going to have to see if i can have it renewed. they said they are going to fax the doctors office with the request, and see what they say. so we will see. hopefully that doesnt cause a problem for me. we will see.

so interesting enough, HE broke his pattern. he called me earlier at night (probably hoping that i would be awake and answer the phone) and he also left me a message. the message said hi stranger just me calling to see what you are doing, i have my cell phone on if you want to give me a call talk to you later, bye. he called me at around 10:49pm last night (sat night). so that was very unusual, evidentally he wanted to talk to me very badly. i suppose. i wasnt feeling well last night, because of this darn infection, and had went to bed early. so i didnt hear my phone ring. which is okay, because i wouldnt have wanted to talk to him with my husband around anyway. that would have been something i wouldnt have wanted to do. i wonder what he wanted though. and why he is calling me now that i am here. maybe he feels safer talking to me now that i am not within driving distance from him. i have been considering calling him either monday or tuesday after i get off work, and see what he wanted, mainly because he left a message. which he has never done before. so maybe i should call him. i dont know if i am going to.

this weekend went by so fast. i cant believe that tomorrow is already monday. i am going to see if i can get overtime at my job again next week. that would be good. i really need the extra money. my daughters birthday party is going to be next month, which is going in a few days. her birthday isnt until the end of next month, but i gave my son such a nice birthday party that i, of course, have to do the same thing for my daughter. which is going to cost me money. so i want to start working some overtime, if it is available though. i did so much work last week, that i dont know if they are going to say that there is enough work to have overtime. we will see. i hope so, because this week there should be 2 nights that i can stay late in addition to coming in early in the mornings too.

Here We Go Again With The Same S**t

okay so here we go again. my wonderful husband (yes that was very sarcastic) just told me that they are cutting back his time at work, and not making him work one day a week. and that is of course going to make him very short with the bills, and he will be left with like no money. so now he is going crazy and so pissed off with everything that he is going to start looking for another job. i dont know if he does these things to himself or what. i really couldnt tell you. what i do now is that i feel really crappy, the same things that both of the kids had, i have even worse then before. before i was fighting it, now it seems like my body just doesnt want to do it anymore, so i had to ask my supervisor if i could leave early at 3pm (i barely dragged myself there this morning) and she said that was okay, and because i was still working the majority of the day it wouldnt count off me, thank god. so i went to the doctor, finally, i really should have gone earlier, but i was putting it off. so anway she diagnosed me with the same thing as the kids, a bacterial infection, and gave me antibiotics, which hopefully work soon. because i am so tired with being sick. i havent been to the gym in like 2-3 weeks, because of being away, sick, fathers day and everything else. and now that i am feeling this bad, i can definetly tell you that i am not going to be going again for a little while until i start to feel better. the good news is that i havent gained any weight back, and i think that i have even lost a tiny bit more. so that is good. i am up to 10 pounds so far. i am happy that i did that overtime this week, because that 5 hours overtime that i did, i took 2 hours of it by leaving early today, so at least i am not shorting myself any hours. and will still have some extra. that is good. i am just so frustrated with my husband that isnt even funny, i just dont see how he cant hold onto jobs, or be happy with them without having anything happen with them like cutting back his hours or anything like that. it seems like it always something with him. before this job i had the job before it for almost 2 years (it was one year and 11 months) then this one i got at about the same time as him which has been almost 3 months. i just dont know. i just feel like here we go again, because it seems like with him and jobs it is always something. and it seems like it is just him, my daughters father has had the same job for like two and a half years and HE (you know who) had the same job for over two years (the only thing that he did was switch locations of the company when he moved, but he still kept the same job and company). so is it just him? everyone else i know doesnt have this problem. aaaarrrrgghhhh. i am just so frustrated right now.

AAAAAUUUUUUGGGGGHHHHHHH!

i really just feel like screaming out loud right now. i really do. i have been working as much overtime as i possibly can with the kids and having to pick them up, on monday i worked about 45 minutes, on tuesday i worked 2.5 hours, and then today i worked 1 hour. and then hopefully if everything is okay with the issue that i am having i should work anywhere from 45 minutes to one hour tomorrow and friday. that is if i am able to get to work. i really hope that my car keeps driving. i had an issue today where i had to stop really quickly and my car started shaking and acting like it was going to stall. and when i tried to accelerate it would only go like 5 miles an hour. so i pulled off the road and turned it off waited and then turned it back on again, and it drove finally. so now i am all flipped out and worried. and of course my husband never helps matters at all, because he immediately said oh it sounds like the transmission, and if it is the transmission then of course that is a lot of money. and he always says that my car is my problem. even though we are married and everything is our problem not just one of our problems, because whatever effects me effects him etc. but i guess that he doesnt think that way. and we are married and have been married almost 4 years. but what is funny is that when me and HIM were together and something would happen (and we were only together for about a year and three months) it was always him saying what are we going to do. it was always us and we, never him saying you. so i dont know, i just hate the attitude that he has about things a lot. he has been alot nicer lately and we have been getting along better, thankfully. i take that back, i just mentioned something to him that might be happening about 6 or 7 months from now, and he got upset and said that i shouldnt make decisions without him. it isnt making a decision without him, it is something that involves something that is jointly ours, and so i have the right to say that i want to do this, and then if it isnt something that he is happy with, it isnt done yet so i am sure that we could talk about it. i have been finding myself getting depressed now that things are starting to go down for me. it seems that as soon as something even looks like it might be going wrong, i immediately get depressed and starting getting really upset with my self and everything else. which is probably because i am not seeing my therapist anymore and i am not taking the medication that was prescribed for me. i am just so worried about this, it isnt even the money of if i have to fix my car, but the time that i will be missing from work. this is still a new job, and you can only miss three seperate occurences per six months. which is very strict. so i cant miss work.

Get Out Of My Head

this is killing me. HE started to pop up in my head today, i assisted someone at work today with their account who had the exact same (spelling and everything) last name as him. which is rare because it isnt that popular of a last name. and then the exact first day back to work from vacation (which was tuesday of last week) i was telling one of the people that i worked with that i had went to one state to visit my friend and that we also went to another state that it bordered on to go shopping, and i couldnt remember the name of the town because it was a smaller town, and weirdly enough, he said that exact name of the city that HE lives in and asked if that was it. so that was strange, for him to pick that city out of all the other cities that are more known of in the state. anyway, he has just been in my head a lot today. i dont know why. i guess because i know in my mind the reason that he called me so late in the morning (or early) was because he was drunk. and he had something say i am sure. because that is when he always has something to say is when he is drunk, sober is the conversation that i had with him on friday, when he was very impersonal and cold. i wish he had been drunk. the only that i will know the true story is to talk to him when he is drunk. which is difficult. because by the time that he is drunk enough, i am sleeping and exhausted from work. so i dont know. i suppose i should just let it go, but it is hard to get him out of my head. i was going to start doing it again, after the conversation that we had when i was on vacation, but he had to go and call me and mess me up again.

well good news on one front. my daughters father took her to the doctor and actually thank god saw someone who had a brain. they did a analysis on her urine and they saw blood in her urine. which i am sure was there before if they would have done that. so finally at least she got the antibiotics that i had been asking them for this whole time. so hopefully she will start feeling better soon.

i still am occasionally not feeling well, on and off through out the day. i dont know if i am actually sick anymore, or if it is allergies. because last year, i am just not sure around what time, my doctor had put me on allergy medication and it was helping. i had stopped taking it because i was feeling better, but maybe it is starting near that season again. i have blocked some things out of my mind, to make room for the memories that i want to remember, and i am sure that this is one of them.

Please Just Leave Me Alone

today was not a bad day, it was father's day. so happy fathers day to the two fathers of my children. i have to say that i treated them both fairly well. my daughters father, who i am no longer married too, got presents and a card. and as he had requested got to spend two days (from this morning until tomorrow evening) with my daughter. unfortunately she is really sick right now, and isnt getting better like the doctors had said, instead she is just getting worse. she threw up last night, and threw up with him tonight. so i told him that tomorrow morning he is going to have to take her to the doctor, and demand that they do something and give her something to make her better, and that he wont leave there until they do something about it. so hopefully that will get something solved if that is what he does. because if not then i am going to have to take a day off work, which with my jobs policy on time off work and my just becoming permanent with them less then a month ago probably wouldnt be good, but i guess if that is what i have to do, then that is what i have to do. we will see what happens with that. for my sons father (my husband who i am with/living with/whatever) now, i cooked him breakfast in the morning, took a nap with him in the afternoon, and took him out to dinner at a place that he picked. i would have taken him out to lunch to with my father but he didnt want to do, so i said that i would do whatever he wanted for me to do for him for dinner. and i did. which was nice. my son (who was the only kid that i spent most of the day with, because my daughter was with her dad) was fairly well behaved today which was good. because usually, his personality is that he is really whiny and doesnt listen to anything.

part of me really does wish that HE would just leave me alone now. after last weekend and me talking to HIM and everything and him basically acting like he didnt give a crap, i really just want him to leave me alone. a part of me, of course, will always i dont know love him i guess, but all in all of he doesnt want anything to come of this why doesnt he just leave me alone. i thought after the end of our conversation and him saying i could call him and me being like whatever, i thought that would be it. but it wasnt/isnt apparently. he called me last night (really this morning) at around 2:17am. which is a lot later/earlier then he used to call me. so i am definetly willing to bet that for him to call me that late, he was definetly drunk off his ass. and i am sure that if i had talked to him then, i would have heard the truth about everything, and that the reason that he was so cold, and not caring last time that i talked to him was because he wasnt drunk. whatever though, he didnt leave me a message as usual. i dont know what i am going to do about it. probably nothing. what is there to do? i am over over 11 hours from him, and he has never gave any indication now that he wants to come back here or me to go there as i have offered many times. oh well, it is just that everytime that he calls me like this, it just gets to me and gets me upset.

Shattered

well i havent been able to post for awhile, i was out of state on vacation with my kids for like 5 days, and almost the whole time my son was sick and was miserable and was whining constantly. so that, of course, took some of the enjoyment out of everything. i ended up having to take him to the emergency room while i was on vacation, they gave him an antibiotic and he feels a lot better now. but towards the end of our trip, my daughter started feeling sick. and she is still not better, she has been sick for over a week now. and she has been taken to the doctor once, and i called the doctor once. but they didnt give her anything, they just said that it was a virus and that within a couple of days she should be better. but tonight she seemed to get worse and not better, her fever was really high, and she threw up tonight. so i already told her dad (because he is supposed to be keeping her tomorrow, monday, tues and wednesday that he is probably going to have to take her back to the doctor. and i am telling him that he better not leave until something is done to make her better. because this is getting very upsetting now. she feels so bad, and i cant see her suffering like this.

speaking of suffering while i was up there visiting my best friend i called HIM because i wanted to tell him that i was up there, and see what he would say about that. so i called him and told him that, and even hinted around that i was probably going out at night, looking for something to do, etc. but he didnt take it at all, all he said was like oh the roads are hard to drive at night, and other things like that. in the beginning i had my hopes because he said something like oh you have been on my mind lately, but nothing. so at the end of the conversation, i saw that it wasnt going anywhere and he said well whenever you want to call me and talk you can i will be here. and i said like yeah, uh-huh and that was it. i am not going to call him again. him like not taking the bait, blowing me off or however you want to call it, i am done. i just dont want to do this anymore. there is no point. he doesnt want to be with me anymore, i was really thinking that he would want to meet me maybe halfway or something, being that is a 4 hour trip i wouldnt expect him to make the whole drive or me make the whole drive, but still i guess that i expected something out of him. but i basically got nothing. and it wasnt like it was just that one night and that was it. i called him, and it could have been that night or the following night i would have still been there, but he wasnt interested at all. i dont know. this should definetly help me get him off of my mind, as an option or something i miss, because i cant have it anymore. and that is that.

well, some good news through all of this heartache and sick children. (and i am fighting it too now) my insurance through my job will be starting on the 1st of next month, thank god. so that will be 120 dollars more a month that i will have and not have to worry about paying. which is a very good thing. it is a different insurance company then i am used to, but i am sure that it will be fine. they are offering 4 different plans, and i am probably going to get the best one that they offer. also i went to renew my car insurance for the month of july, and i thought that it was going to go up because of the ticket that i had gotten, but instead, another good thing, it actually went down 20 dollars per month. which made me happy.

here are some pictures from our trip:






this is my daughter,


















my godson,


















my godson chasing my daughter,

















and my son.









arent they all cute?

My Dreams...HE Just Wont Leave Me Alone In Them

a couple of days ago i dreamed that i was pregnant but it wasnt HIS, (so maybe it was my husbands) but when i was very pregnant (so it really showed) i ran into HIS best friend somewhere and i wanted him to know that i was pregnant. why i dont know, maybe so i could show that i was happy or something. even though i dont think that i was.

then last night i had very vivid and it made me unhappy when i woke up. me and HIM (he was naked) were in bed and we were talking about doing something in it. we were talking about having sex, and he said that there was something wrong with his thing (dont know what, but he said that it hurt, it wasnt an std though). so he said that it would be better soon, and so we set a date to see each other and also to do that a couple of days from then. i asked when he would be leaving and he said that he had class (what class?) and that he would be leaving in 7 days. i asked him if he was still with that girl that he was with, and he said that he wasnt seeing her as much, that he needed to do other things. so that was my dream last night. i have to wonder why i am having these dreams, and what they mean. i know that the major reason that i am having them is because he is on my mind. i am sure that he doesnt think that he is on my mind because i dont make any contact with him, even when he calls me and then hangs up. but he is on my mind. that is for sure. he hasnt made his monthly hang up/no message call to me lately, i am sure that he will be, probably next weekend being that he didnt do it this weekend. but if not, then i guess that will make it easier for me to start working harder and harder to push him out of my brain. i dont know why i dreamt about talking about having sex with him and getting ready to, it isnt like me and my husband dont finally have an okay sex life. sure it can be routine and boring at times, but it is satisfying on some levels. so at least i am more relieved then i used to be. so that is good. the last time that i actually heard his voice and spoke with him was the beginning of march, when he started that crap with me again. which got me very upset.

Even More Reason To Not Like Men

my husband has been being such a pain in my butt lately, it isnt even funny. i cant even laugh about it, even if i wanted to. he has been horrible. he keeps saying that i am hardly ever home now, (mind you 2 mornings a week for 2 hours i go to the gym, and then 2 nights a week for 2 hours i go the gym as well.) other than that, whenever he is home, the other 5 nights a week, i am home. and also lets not forget of course that i work full time 40 hours a week at my job that i pay my share of the bills with. so it isnt like i dont do what needs to be done. two nights out of the month, for about an hour and a half the most i go to the nail salon and i have my nails and pedicure done. so i did that last night, and on the way home i stopped and got my husband something to eat for dinner and also got him a beer that he said he wanted. and he was still whining that i wasnt home, and saying how much he does for me. and then of course in a couple of days i am going away for about 5 days to another state. and he is really getting bad about it now, saying that i shouldnt go, it isnt right that i am going somewhere without him. and he also saying that this is it, after this i dont go on vacation without him. and that is that. yeah, okay, like i am really going to listen to that. who among us hasnt gone somewhere on vacation without their spouses. and it isnt like i am not taking my kids with me that i would be leaving them stuck with him. no, i am taking them with me. so whats the problem. the problem is, as usual, he needs everything to be all about him. and this isnt about him.

my daughter told me today that she misses HIM a lot, and that she wishes that HE was still with us and not my husband. so i asked her why, and she said because he was very nice to her, and always treated her and my son very well. and that my husband is mean to her. i wouldnt say personally that he is mean, he is just a lot more strict and at times more irritable then HE was. so she started to cry, saying that she was nice and she misses him and why doesnt he come back. so i said that he wasnt that nice in the end because he didnt come back. and i probably shouldnt have said anything mean about HIM to her, because she has her good memories of him, but i couldnt hear her carrying on about him. i miss him too, and i felt like crying with her. my son doesnt mention him anymore, which is good, he probably doesnt remember that much about him like she does. because she is three years older then my son, and is going to be six soon. i miss him a lot to, and the way that i was treated, but towards the end we were starting to go downhill. there was a lot of things about him that were starting to upset me, and i didnt like them. but he was good for me, better then my husband probably is. but there isnt any use in thinking about that, because it is over. and i am never going to have him back.