My Updates

a lot has been going on lately, more drama then i know how to deal with to be honest. i am trying my very hardest to deal with everything that is going on, but it is really hard. i think the only thing that is really keeping me going is my kids, and the fact that i have to try my hardest to stay strong for them. my husband lost his last job the night one, they fired him i think it was on saturday. and that was that, now he is completely unemployed, and has no money all. got a check yesterday from the job that just lost for 370.00, and he only put away 200.00 for the rent. granted he did owe me 60.00 that he gave back to me, but then you still figure that leaves 110.00 unaccounted for. so he could have put that towards the rent too, and he didnt, which by the way is due very soon, by the 1st, and all he has is that 200.00. supposedly he spoke with the property manager who told him that as long as he was making the effort that it wasnt a problem, and that she understood. but i wonder how long that understanding attitude will last, especially being that he is still unemployed completely, and has nothing, not even any real prospects. the pizza place that he worked at before seemed like they wanted him, and now they havent called him back so i guess that they dont who knows. and then in addition to that, i have put an ad in two papers regarding my dog, and trying to find a good home for him, because i am bracing myself for the inevitable, and that is breaking my heart the idea that i am probably going to have to get rid of him, and then i have like a ticking timebomb with that because i told the people that were really interested that i would call them back in a few days, and i dont really want to do it, but i am afraid that if i dont, i wont be able to find him a good home and it will be too late. and then i had to mention to my husband this morning about taking the ad out about the dog and everything and everything blew up. he has gone from threatening me that he would fight for custody of my son, to asking me not to leave that he loves us and doesnt want to lose us. so he is really i guess just grasping for anything, because he doesnt want me to leave him i suppose i dont know. he was really saying that he loves us and to give him a chance to make everything right. we have been going into it all night, and i have been crying a lot i just feel so strung out and depressed it is horrible, honestly if it wasnt for my kids right now, i dont know what i would do. and he seemed serious about fighting me for custody of my son, saying that he was going to bring up things from my past, but then again, i guess that i could do the same thing for him, i would just need proof. which i dont really have. i dont want to do that though, i dont think he is serious about it though, from the way that he is talking, he just keeps saying things. i am so upset right now, i feel like i am going to seriously throw up all over, i am so worked up about this now. he is not really begging, but is crying and saying he loves me he loves the kids not to leave everything will work out, he will make it work, we will have somewhere to live, i cant leave him again he cant deal with it, he cant go through all of that again. i am just so upset and hysterical over all of this, i cant believe it, i didnt think that he would react like this, i thought that he would just let it go, instead he is really upset and crying and everything.

i have seen the guy two more times after i posted last, i saw him last saturday and then also last night. he is still wanting to move with me and the kids and everything and get a place. he hasnt heard anything yet about the job that would require relocation to about three hours away, but said that he should be hearing something at some point this week. i am just so unsure about everything, i was so sure that i wanted out of this situation and that i would be with him, and that it would be so much better and i really liked him blah blah, and not that i dont like him, or think that it would be better, i am just so unsure about everything that is going on, and what i am doing, that i just dont know. i really had my mind made up before that this was what i was going to do, and i was going to leave take the kids, and start up a new life. and now i just dont know what to do. me and my decision making skills are all torn up right now. then i talked to my friend, the one that had said that i could stay there in the spare room that she has with the kids, for a few months or so, and give her like 300 or 400 a month, and i talked to her today, and now she is saying that she has someone else that could stay with her and do that if i didnt, and that she needs to know by the end of next week, and that if i tell her no not that time, that she will have someone else staying there instead and that will be it. so talk about putting the pressure on, i mean not that i blame her she has to do what she has to but still. augh. that is all i am going to talk about right now, i have to try to get a little sleep, tonight has been one of the most emotional night that i have had in a really long time, i feel like i got physically and mentally run over a few times by a truck i am so emotionally drained.